“McKnight,” Coach called out to me, “get your goddamn shit together! That is the fifth time you’ve missed a pass! Goddamn it!”
“I’m sorry, Coach,” I offered.
“Fuck your sorry! If we lose this goddamn game against those Richland U fucks…you know what, go sit down. Sit the rest of this practice out and pay attention to your teammates.” He pointed over to the bleachers and blew his whistle.
I couldn’t even argue with him that day. My mind really wasn’t in it and neither was my heart. When I thought about it, my heart hadn’t been in it for a long time. Basketball had been my everything for so long and now that I was in my third year of playing for Calhoun University, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go any further. I didn’t have scouts from the pros watching my every move so I’d come around to accepting that I only had two options: play one more year of college ball or go the international route. Neither option was popular in my mind but I knew my time was running out. I just didn’t know how little time I had.
After hitting the showers and getting dressed, I left the athletic center and walked across campus to the athletic dorm. I became more stressed than I already was when I saw Tracee sitting on the bench in front of the entrance. Tracee Simmons was my girlfriend. We’d been together since freshman year but for the past year we hadn’t been clicking, and that was all my fault. Just like with basketball, my focus wasn’t there. I felt bad for how I’d been treating her but at the same time I knew she only wanted to be with me because she saw it as some accomplishment. She rarely came to my games and was always pressuring me about getting more serious with the relationship. She just didn’t want me with any other girl at school; it felt like that was her only motivation for being with me sometimes.
“What’s wrong, Jordan?” she asked as I approached her.
“It’s been a long day,” I told her. “I’m just gonna go up and lay down.”
“You don’t want any company?” She stood up and placed her hand on my soft dick through my basketball shorts. “I can make you feel better.”
“You can come up if you want but I ain’t in the mood for all that.” I moved her hand away.
“You’re not in the mood for some head?”
“Whoa, okay. Don’t bite my head off. Shit.” She shook her head and sighed. “Let’s go up and just chill then.”
We entered the building together and took the elevator up to the fifth floor where my dorm was. My roommates were still at the athletic center so I was a little mad that I couldn’t be there alone since Tracee was there. But I hid my frustration and led her into my bedroom. I tossed my stuff on the floor and collapsed on my bed. Tracee sat down on the edge of the bed and just stared at me.
“I’m surprised you have time to kick it with me,” I finally said.
“Excuse you? I always try to make time for my man.”
“That’s what you say. How come you haven’t come to my last three games?”
“Because I’ve been busy, Jordan. You know that.”
“Mmm hmm.” I got a text message so I unlocked my phone to read it. But before I could read it, I heard the front door open and close.
“Yo J,” called out my roommate Greg. “Come here real quick.”
“Alright.” I sat my phone down on the bed and hurried out my door. I stepped out into the hall. “Wassup, man?”
“Coach told me to tell you we won’t have practice tomorrow. Why you left so quick?”
“I’m not feeling too good. I need to get some sleep or something.”
“Oh, okay. Well, I’ll let you get to that. I’ll try to keep my music down, bruh.” He went into his room and I went back into mine to see Tracee looking through my phone.
“What are you doing?” I stepped over to her and tried to take my phone away from her but she put it behind her back. “Give me my phone, Tracee.”
“Who the fuck is D. Winters and why is she texting you?”
“Tracee, give me my phone.”
“No. I swear if you’re cheating on me…”
“Give me my fucking phone, Tracee! I’m not playing with you!”
“I’m not playing with you either. Who the fuck is D. Winters?!” When I wouldn’t answer her, she jumped up and hurried out of my room. She ran into the bathroom and locked the door.
“Open this door, Tracee!” I pulled on the doorknob. “Bitch open this damn door!”
“Oh, I’m a bitch now? Okay, I see how it is. I’m gonna find out who the fuck this D. Winters bitch is! I’m looking at your text thread now.”
“Damn it! Open this fucking door!” I started hitting the door hard with my shoulder. I was starting to lose my mind because I didn’t want her reading those messages between me and Dorian. “Tracee, open this fucking door! Fuck!”
“Bruh, what’s going on?” Greg asked me.
“Nothing man, just go back in your room.”
“Don’t sound like nothing. Why is your girl in the bathroom?”
“Greg, go the fuck away nigga!”
“Nigga, you buggin’. What the hell is going on?”
Before I could say anything else, the bathroom door flew open and Tracee ran out slapping at me and punching me. She even hit me in the face with my phone. Greg tried to get in between us but she started hitting him too so he backed away. I finally got control of her by grabbing both her wrists and dragged her back into my room. I slammed and locked the door before pushing her down onto my bed. She tried to get up but I held her down.
“Fuck you! You’re fucking some boy behind my back? I will fucking kill you, Jordan!”
“No, I am telling everyone that you’re a fucking faggot! No wonder why you barely fuck me anymore. You’d rather fuck some other bitch ass nigga up the ass! Or has he been fucking you? I can’t believe this shit!”
“It’s not what you think, Tracee.”
“I read the fucking messages, Jordan! You told him you couldn’t wait to see him and he responded he was picking up some fucking KY Jelly and Fleet. What the fuck is Fleet?”
“Baby, just calm down. I can explain everything.”
“Have you and him been having sex?”
“Have you fucked him? Yes or no, Jordan?!”
I don’t know why I was honest with her but I immediately regretted it. She just snapped and starting destroying my shit. When I tried to stop her, she turned on me like an attack dog. She scratch me and bit me. I could’ve punched her and knocked her out but I’m not that type of dude. I just grabbed her and kept her hands down. That didn’t stop her from kneeing me in the nuts twice and stomping on my foot. I finally just wrapped my arms around her and fell on top of her on my bed.
“Get the fuck off of me!” she screamed.
“Not until you calm down! Calm the fuck down, Tracee!”
“Get off of me! I will call the police on your punk ass! Get off me, Jordan!” I got off of her and she started crying. “How could you do this to me? After all the shit we’ve been through!”
“Fuck you! You’re disgusting!”
“Stop calling me that. I’m not your baby!”
“Listen, I need you to calm down. You can’t tell anybody about this.”
“Are you serious? I’m telling everybody. The whole school is gonna know about you nasty downlow ass. I’m getting a blood test and you better pray that you didn’t give me anything I can’t get rid of. If you did, you’re a dead faggot! I put that on my life, I will kill your bitch ass!”
“I get a physical for basketball, Tracee. I’m clean and you know it. I never had unprotected sex with another man until I got with Dorian and he’s only been with me this past year.”
“You are so fucking disgusting! I’m putting all of your shit out there!”
“So you’re gonna just ruin everything for me? All because I haven’t been fucking you? Well, go the fuck ahead. Tell the whole fucking world, Tracee! I don’t give a fuck!”
“Get the fuck out of here! Get out now!”
“You’re mad at me and you’re the one who cheated on me with a faggot?! You really are a piece of trash. You couldn’t fuck anyway! All that dick and you never knew how to use it. Oh wait, you do know how to use it when pushing it in some nasty fag’s shitty ass!” She went over to the door, unlocked it and opened it before saying out loud, “I’m gonna expose your faggot ass. I sent screenshots of some of your messages to my phone. You’re done. I really hope it was worth it.” She walked out of my room and seconds later I heard the front door open and slam.
“What the fuck just happened?” Greg asked, coming into my room.
I didn’t answer him. I just packed some stuff into my duffle bag and left. My world was crumbling right before my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I knew Tracee was going to out me. I could hear it in her voice and see it in her eyes. There was a part of me that didn’t care how bad things were going to get. But then reality kicked in and I realized it really was over. My life would never be the same. I’d have to give up basketball and lose the support of my family and probably drop out of school. The thought of losing everything made me sick, physically and mentally.
I drove my car around the city for a couple of hours before finally heading to Dorian’s place. I met Dorian Winters a year ago when we were in the same history class. He was making straight A’s in that class and I needed to at least make a C+ on a term paper, so I linked up with him to get help writing my paper. We were together until late that night working on our papers and after we finished, I spent the night at his place. The two of us fell asleep on his sofa and when we woke up the next morning, I was holding him. I’d had sex with guys before but that was the first time I felt something for another man. I felt the strong urge to be with him in any way I could.
“It’s me, Dorian,” I said through the buzzer box outside of his apartment building. “Let me in, baby.”
“Okay,” he responded before hitting the buzzer to unlock the main door.
I opened the door and instead of taking the elevator, I ran up the stairwell until I got to the ninth floor of the building. When I made it to his apartment, I pounded on the door. He opened it immediately and before I could even get inside, I dropped to the floor and wrapped my arms around him. I could tell by the way he was shaking that he had no idea what was going on.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked. “Jordan, what is it?”
I remained silent. I couldn’t even speak because I was afraid that if I did, I’d start crying and I’d never cried in front of anyone before. But when he put his arms around me and pressed my head up against his stomach, I broke down. I cried harder than I’d ever cried before. The main reason why I cried was because I didn’t want him to get hurt because of my actions. He was the last person I ever wanted to get hurt. I hadn’t told him but I loved him. I loved him with every fiber of my being.
“I’m sorry,” I told him, finally standing back up to my feet. “Dorian, I am so sorry.”
“What happened to your face? Who scratched you like this?”
“Tracee. She found out, baby.”
“Everything. She knows about us.”
“Oh my God.” He pulled me inside and closed the door. “You need to call her and talk to her now.”
“I already tried that. And as you can see by looking at my scratched up face, she can’t be talked to right now.”
“Jordan, if she tells people…”
“She’s going to tell people. The way she left my dorm…I know she’s going to tell people. But I’m not even worried about that.”
“You should be. You are on the basketball team. Jordan, you could lose everything because of this.”
“Would I lose you?” I grabbed his hand. “Do you still have my back?”
“Of course I have your back. That’s why I’m going to talk to Tracee myself.”
“I’ll come up with a lie or say it was a misunderstanding. Or I’ll tell her you broke it off with me so that you could be with her. A girl with her kind of ego would love that her man chose to be with her than some gay guy.”
“Dorian, I don’t want it.”
“We could keep people from finding out. All we have to do is…”
“I don’t want it, Dorian! I don’t want any of it anymore. I’m tired of lying to people. I’m tired of lying to myself. I’m gay. I’ve been gay for as long as I can remember. I cheated on Tracee with different guys and then I met you and I fell in love.”
He stepped back as if he couldn’t believe what I’d just said. “What?”
“I love you, Dorian. And I’m not gonna be the type of man who goes along with some game just to fucking please people anymore. That’s not me. I don’t play by other people’s rules; not on the court and not in my life.”
“Is this really what you want to do? I love you, but I want what’s best for you. You only have a year left before you graduate with a bachelor’s degree. You’re the first person to go to college in your family, baby. Do you really want to lose their support? Because that’s probably what will happen.”
“If my parents and my five brothers want to disown me then that’s on them. I won’t beg for their acceptance. I don’t need them. I can finish school on my own.”
“Through student loans? That’s a difficult road to go down, Jordan.”
“I don’t care. I’ve been running from this for too long and I’m tired, baby. I am so fucking tired.” Tears rolled down my face and my lips began to quiver.
“Come here, baby.” He wrapped his arms around me and I broke down again.
He was so much smaller than me but he made me feel like a kid as he held me in his arms. We moved over to the sofa and he continued to hold me. I’d cry off and on and he’d rub my back and hold me tighter. Just being there with him made me feel better. I could never allow myself to be that vulnerable around anyone else. He’d always had that effect on me. And I never felt like I was less of a man for being open with him or for being with him in general. I’d long come to the conclusion that my masculinity was defined by my actions rather than superficial and typical macho bullshit.
After I calmed down, we lied down together on the sofa. With him on top of me and his head resting on my chest, I felt a million times better. Other than making love to him, there was nothing I enjoyed more than holding him and having him rest his head on my chest. I adored everything about Dorian from his cute nose to his pretty lips, all the way down to the squeaky immature sound of his voice. And even though we’d confined our relationship to his apartment, we did so much together. We studied together and did our laundry together. He even showed me how to cook a few meals. His apartment was more than just a getaway from my world, it was my sanctuary.
“Are you hungry?” he asked me. “I know how hungry you get after practice.”
“Yeah, I’m hungry,” I answered with a laugh.
“I got a fridge full of food. You want some spaghetti?”
“I know you do.” He pulled away from me and stood up from the sofa. “You wanna help me cook it?”
“Yeah.” I stood up and followed him into the kitchen. “Baby, I forgot to ask you. Is it cool if I stay here for a little while? Going back to the dorm is out of the question. I got my stuff down in the car, enough clothes for a few nights.”
“Of course you can stay here. You can stay here for as long as you need, Jordan. My place is your place.” He stood on the tips of his toes and kissed me. “Now let’s make dinner.”
We talked and laughed as we cooked dinner together. The kitchen smelled amazing and for a time, I’d completely forgotten about the Tracee situation. I never thought about her while I was with Dorian. He had my undivided attention every time I was at his place. And then my phone started vibrating in my pocket. It vibrated repeatedly for like five minutes straight. I finally took it out and turned it off without looking at any of the messages. Me and Dorian were sitting down at the table eating when he got a text message on his phone.
“Jordan, it’s happening,” he said with a serious look on his face. “Tracee posted screenshots of our text messages on her Twitter and Instagram. My friends are…”
“Can we just ignore it?” I asked, interrupting him. “Baby, I just wanna have one night with you without thinking about any of it. I’ll do what I gotta do tomorrow. But for now, let’s just have dinner and then watch TV until we get sleepy. Or if you wanna make love then we can do that.”
“I want you to be absolutely sure that this is what you want. We could still spin this and say Tracee made the whole thing up and that we don’t even know each other.”
“I’m not doing that. I’m not gonna deny you so that I could keep running from who I am. I told you I’m tired of running. So if you don’t mind…” I picked up his phone and turned it off before sitting it back down on the table. “No more distractions.”
“You know, this past year has been a wild journey with you. Remember when you fell asleep here when we were writing our history papers?”
“I’ll never forget that night.”
“When I woke up in your arms, I knew we’d be more than just friends. And I know I was selfish and wrong to pursue you knowing that you were with Tracee, but I’m human. I’m selfish. I would’ve settled for anything with you like a sex-only relationship or friends with benefits. But hearing you tell me you love me today, it really made me think. Jordan, I don’t know what will happen but I know we’re going to face it together. We’ll get through it together. We can apologize for our mistakes and hope that we’ll be forgiven, but as long as we have each other we can get through it.”
“That’s exactly how I feel. And for the record, I’ve been in love with you since September.”
“September? Why September?”
“You don’t remember that night we got caught out in the rain? I met up with you…”
“A few blocks from here because you couldn’t find any close parks.” He laughed. “I met you halfway.”
“And the storm caught us. We got soaked. And you were just laughing and laughing as we ran block by block towards here. Baby, I fell in love with you that night. I knew I didn’t just want sex by that point but it hit me like a ton of bricks that night. You brought me back here and we took off our clothes and got under the covers. We cuddled and we just talked. We talked for hours. It was one of the best nights of my life. Something so simple changed me completely.”
“Jordan, I want you to stay here longer than you’re probably planning to. I want you to move in here.”
“Are you sure? I remember you saying you love having a place to yourself.”
“I do but I love going to sleep with you holding me better. So what do you say? Should I give you my spare key?”
I thought it over for a second before telling him, “Yes. I want that key. I wanna move in here. Yes, baby.” We stood up and hugged and kissed.
That night, I slept peacefully with him in my arms. But the next day, I had to face reality again. I first met with my coach and told him that I was no longer going to play for the Calhoun Cougars basketball team. He wanted me to stay but I had to explain to him that I didn’t want to take the spotlight off of the team. My teammates worked hard to get to where they were and didn’t deserve to be bombarded with questions and/or accusations because of me. Next, I called Tracee and left a message on her voicemail telling her that I was sorry for hurting her and that I wasn’t angry at her for outing me. I forgave her and I hoped that she would one day forgive me. Lastly, I called my family. The moment I told my dad that I was gay, he hung up the phone. I tried to call him and my brothers back but they wouldn’t answer. That told me all I needed to know about their opinions of me.
“And that’s it,” I said as I sat down beside Dorian on the sofa. “It’s done.”
“It takes a lot of courage to do what you did,” he told me while placing his hand in mine. “You’re the most courageous man I know.”
“I was a coward for so long.”
“Don’t say that, Jordan.”
“It’s true. I was. I should’ve come out a long time ago. Maybe then my family would’ve grown to accept me.”
“Your family loves you. They have to love you because whether they like it or not, you’re a part of them. If they let your sexuality determine the limits of their love then they are either lying to themselves or admitting they hate a part of themselves. Love isn’t an emotion you can turn on or off. You can’t control it.”
“That’s true. Besides, my dad has this stupid perception of manhood. He raised me and my five brothers with this hyper-masculinity complex. He would make us compete against each other on every level. And he taught us that gay men choose to be gay and that they’re products of the government used to break up the black family. A part of me doesn’t want his acceptance. I was pissed off at myself because of the shit he put in my head. He thinks being gay makes a man weak. Well, I think he’s weak. He’s fragile because only a fragile man would feel threatened by another man’s existence. I don’t need him. I never did. I’ll be a million times better at being a father than him.”
“You sure will. And you wanna know what makes you so different from him?”
“You allow yourself to be vulnerable, Jordan. You let me console you yesterday and that takes so much courage and determination. Even the strongest man needs someone to hold him. Denying that need would be a sign of fear. So many black men deny that need and it’s time that we address that. I truly believe it is the driving force behind homophobia.”
“See, that’s why I’m crazy about you. You know how to put everything I feel into words.” I kissed him and softly touched his face. “This going to be some journey, huh?”
“Oh yeah, definitely.” We shared a laugh and kissed again.
Things got better as time moved on. All five of my brothers eventually began to talk to me again, and my mama supported me with everything I did. My dad allowed me to come to the house for holidays and birthdays, but I couldn’t bring Dorian and that kept me from respecting my dad. Our father-son bond was never the same again and I wasn’t going to be the one to change to repair it. He was going to have to make the necessary changes in his life before our bond could be restored.
As for Dorian, he had my heart and he knew it. After we graduated from Calhoun U, we got married and moved to Washington, D.C. for a while to get our master’s in teaching from Howard. We settled down in Silver Spring, Maryland where he became a high school history teacher and I became a math teacher and assistant basketball coach at the same school. We’re now in the process of adopting a fifteen month old boy named Riley and our chances are pretty good. I’ll never regret the choices I made in my life and I’ll always be proud of being a black gay man. I was exactly where I wanted to be and nothing was going to change that.
[Disclaimer]: Pictures used do not reflect the sexuality or personality of people in the pictures. They only serve as visual examples of the characters.
yousharknotpass
vaporwave
annaxmalina
kaledo-art
germansingergirl
origamiaround
gummygunk
