numbers
age is just a number, until it isn't. there will be a part 2, promise!
pairing: harry x young(er) reader word count: 2,868 warnings: none :) age gap!
“I just have this one assignment to finish, it’ll be quick, I promise,” you reassured him, eyes locked on the screen (much to his dismay). His arms wrapped around your shoulders while he left a string of kisses on your left temple, you placed your hand over his as a silent gesture of appreciation. “Don’t you think if you left me be, I’d be done sooner?”
“M’ love, you look so stinking lovable - y’ have to understand that it’s hard for me to go,” he hums, words fanning against your collarbone like a gentle breeze as his head buried into the crook of your neck. He always made sure to tell you how adorable you looked as you churned out paper after paper, ugly glasses - you had two pairs, one exclusively for writing papers and feeling smart - with your second-day hair and all. Sometimes you weren’t even sure if he was telling the truth, but you were okay with that.
Harry loved watching you work, eyebrows furrowed when you were deep in concentration, usually wearing his sweaters so you could catch a whiff of his tobacco vanilla cologne that lingered on them whenever you sunk down into your chair or pulled the hood up. Especially since he never went to college, every aspect of it fascinated him. He always wanted to be there when you picked your modules, threw you small celebrations whenever you got an extra good grade on an assignment you worked really hard on, and loved when he got to pick you up from campus and play the part of your college sweetheart. “But I will, only because you said this one’s an important one. Don’t forget there’s Ben’s little mixer tonight and he really wants to meet you.. We’ve to get going at a little past seven.”
You nod, pressing a tender kiss to the back of his hand before getting back to your task. To be honest, you’d almost completely forgotten about it with the looming deadlines you had clouding your thoughts for the past week. Ben was dear to Harry’s heart - everyone knew that, and it made you nervous just thinking about meeting him. The opportunity had presented itself multiple times over the course of the year that you and Harry have been together, but you’d always found some way to wriggle yourself out of the situation. The first time, it was a trip home that clashed. The second, you had a really important interview for an internship the next morning and couldn’t lose out on any sleep. Third time round was an after-party for one of the award shows Harry attended, but it was in a restaurant known to be a celebrity hotspot and cameramen were everywhere - you couldn’t show up and have rumours swirl. Tonight, however, Harry made the extra effort to run it by you weeks ago once the possibility of this event happening left Ben’s lips. It would be a small one held in his home, with a couple of trustworthy friends in the industry, just to come together and get to know each other a little better. You couldn’t say no.
-
You wished you’d said no. The moment Harry pulled into the driveway, you were already freaking out a little. “Please H, could we just– just sit in here for a moment, please,” you pleaded, eyes closing and palms pulling the skin on your face back towards your ears to regain some composure.
“Wha’s wrong, love? Everyone’s so excited to meet you, ‘got nothing to worry about, my love,” Harry’s voice soothing and consoling, unbuckling his seatbelt to inch as close to you as possible from his driver’s seat. “Hey, pretty girl… We don’t have to do it if it’s stressin’ you out this much.”
For a second, you considered cowering and taking the easy way out, allowing him to drive you back to his house and tuck you into bed before making his way back to Ben’s himself. You chose not to though. You’d overheard the phone call he had with Ben after you agreed to come along, practically beaming with excitement that he’d finally get to show you off to one of his best friends. He was even more excited for you to meet Ruby - though the two of them had their nightly phone call, you never intruded, just watched in awe as he spoke to her with a certain sparkle in his eyes and the widest grin on his face.
“I’m just nervous, babe,” you mumbled, taking in a deep breath to steady yourself. It was strange, having these fears when you slept in the same bed as one of the biggest pop stars in the world on most nights, and entrusted him with all your secrets. “I’m practically a little baby, I might as well be Ruby to most of them.”
He chuckles at your words, hands reaching over for yours. Your age never mattered to him. You made him feel young, beaming with energy and bound by no limits. He got to experience things he’d missed out on in his early twenties, quintessential coming-of-age experiences he never got to partake in with the same anonymity as any other London college student. He loved your crazy ideas, admired your lofty dreams and wished he had half as much of it as you did. Harry knew a great deal of his success came from luck - right place, right time - and he would do anything in his power to make your dreams come to life. “Don’t be silly, m’ love… You’re twenty-two, not a toddler. Just be yourself and speak to them like any other. I’ll be by your side too, I promise.”
You’d never felt so small in your life as you sat on a large couch in the living hall of Ben’s home, surrounded by A-listers, producers and directors you only saw on screen or in the end credits of movies. Harry had been whisked away right when you both arrived, with Ben needing to introduce him to a few producers who’d been keen on casting him in future roles. Hence, you were left to fend for yourself, armed only with a glass of red that you didn’t even like. From time to time, you were asked about what you did for work, to which you could only sheepishly reply that you were still pursuing a degree. In any other context, that would’ve been a perfectly respectable answer, yet saying it in front of some of the most talented people in the world made it seem like you had absolutely nothing going for you. Not to mention, their responses of “oh wow, that’s lovely” or “gosh, I could be your mother” only made you feel even worse, though you know they meant no harm. It was only halfway through the night when Harry finally returned with what he considered to be the most important task of the day - introducing you to Ruby, his god-daughter who was tucked away in her bedroom upstairs - that you could finally breathe easy.
You couldn’t be happier to meet the little girl who called every night. Most times, Harry placed the call on loud-speaker so you’d be able to listen in on their conversations, which were usually her recounting the exhausting day she had as a toddler. Suffice to say, she loved you. Though Harry’s intention was just to have you meet her and return downstairs, Ruby pleaded with him to have you stay with her till she fell asleep so you could be her real-life Barbie doll. You couldn’t turn her down, and soon enough she was braiding your hair and pretending to do your makeup on the carpeted floor. It was undoubtedly the best part of your night and just the reprieve you needed from having to shamefully admit your lowly status as a university student to the others downstairs, so you didn’t mind it one bit.
Ruby was practically falling asleep on your lap as the two of you sat on the tiny loveseat next to the entryway of her room. It was your turn to do her hair, at her request, and you cleverly suggested moving to the small seating area so she could lie down and fall asleep comfortably if she felt like it.
“I’m just saying it’s unrealistic, H,” you heard a hushed voice say from outside the room, a little muffled through the large oak door that separated Ruby’s room from the corridor. “You’re almost thirty and she’s just barely legal. Have you really thought about this?”
“Ben, I’ve s’ much respect for you but please, this is not y’ place to tell me how my relationship should be,” recognizing his voice anywhere, the same low drawl he used when he tried to speak softly to you in bed at night, you put the pieces together. He’d probably been on his way to fetch you from Ruby’s room and kiss her goodnight. “I love Y/N and it truly doesn’t matter t’ me… We get along like we’ve known each other for centuries. M’ not giving that up because people who don’t know us like that feel that it’s stupid.”
“H, I’m only saying this because I care for you and Y/N’s an incredibly lovely girl. Don’t get me wrong, we love her, but what’s going to happen when this goes public? She’s so young that all you’re going to hear is questions on your morality and that you’re toying with her. And thinking long term, like y’know, having kids of your own - that’s only going to happen when you’re almost forty. Have you truly thought about whether you want that?”
It’s silent in the corridor, and your hands have long stopped weaving through Ruby’s hair, entirely focused on their conversation. This was exactly what you’d feared this whole time, and having it come from Ben only intensified your anxiety as you sat there with glossed-over eyes.
“We’ll figure it out, Ben,” he finally breathes out, his hand reaching for the doorknob. “Could y’ please let me go in and say goodnight to your daughter now? Been waiting on me for ages.”
You immediately resumed your task, keeping your hands busy as your boyfriend entered the room, closing the door shut behind him. “She asleep? Have y’ been okay in here, love?”
“Yeah, she just fell asleep a little bit ago. D’ you want to tuck her in?” Raising your gaze to meet his, engrossed in studying the two of you with his palm resting against the wall behind the loveseat. You watched as he nodded his head before crouching down to lift the girl off your lap, whispering a small hello to her as he did so. The girl was so deep in sleep that she didn’t budge, eyes shut as he placed her on the princess-themed bed, slowly tucking her in with utmost care.
Under the dim lighting, you found yourself imagining Ruby to be your own little one, with Harry planting a delicate kiss on her forehead. Ben was right. Harry seemed so at ease doing this, you knew he’d be an incredible father. Yet, you were so far away from even thinking about having children that it seemed almost unfair to him - a man with the world in the palm of his hand, ready to move on to the next stage of his life stuck with a university girlfriend to look after. You never let yourself think that far ahead before this, but it was always in the back of your head that you and Harry ran on different timelines. Now, it began to worry you.
-
The light pitter-patter of the rain against the windscreen allowed the two of you to fall into a comfortable silence as Harry drove you both home to his London home. You were glad he hadn’t noticed you hadn’t stopped twiddling your thumbs the entire time, thinking about how to bring up his conversation with Ben earlier.
“Did you enjoy yourself, love? M’ sorry I was away for most of it. Were they kind to you?” He asks, gently placing his right palm on your left thigh, circling his thumb against your skin.
“It was alright… Mostly just got asked what I’m up to, which was a little embarrassing.”
He seemed confused at your answer, his brows furrowing a little. “S’ nothing to be embarrassed about, my love, most of ‘em never even went to school either.”
“It was just a little awkward when you’re obviously the smallest fish in the pond with nothing to say, H.”
“Well m’ sure they didn’t feel that way, think maybe you’re getting a little too into y’ own head love,” Harry mumbles, his hand leaving its spot on your leg. It felt cool. “H, you light up any room you're in. You wouldn’t get it even if I explained how I felt to you a hundred times over.”
He was visibly getting uncomfortable now, shifting a little in his seat and gripping the steering wheel tighter. You’d told him about these feelings before, the nagging feeling of inadequacy that crept up when he spoke about the industry he was in with too little context for you to keep up with. You felt like a nobody, and that was something he would never be able to understand.
“I overheard what Ben said.”
You trained your eyes on him, leaning into the crook between the car door and the seat to get a better look at his figure. He heaved a big sigh, running a hand through his hair in slight frustration. You’d seen him do this so many times in so many contexts that you knew exactly what each hand-through-the-hair moment meant.
“Love, he didn’t mean it like that,” he’s quick to defend his friend, eyes flickering over to you for a quick second. “He was jus’ concerned.”
“Do you agree with him?”
“No— Love, what are y’ saying? Of course not, we’ve talked about this—”
“Because I do, H. I agree with him.”
“Y/N, y’ can’t be serious right now… What on earth are y’ talking about?”
You slumped back into your seat, eyes watching the dim road ahead. The yellow light of the streetlights cast a warm glow on the interior of Harry’s car, illuminating your faces. Chewing on the inside of your cheek, you thought over what you were going to say carefully - you knew discussing the future was a touchy subject for him, especially when it came to the two of you.
“I don’t know if we’re just being oblivious sometimes, y’know? We’re in different worlds, H, and I feel like nothing I do in this life will ever be enough to match up to you. What Ben said about starting a family… I want that someday. You know that. I know you do too, but what if that’s not on the cards for the next, I don’t know, ten years? You’ll be–”
“I can wait for you, you know that,” he interrupts you, and you watch as he signals his intention to veer left, putting the car into park on the side of the road. This was an important conversation - one he couldn’t believe you were starting now, of all times - and he didn’t want to be distracted for a single moment of it. His answer made you feel worse, even guiltier than before. To have you by his side, he’d need to put his life on hold for you.
“What if I don’t want you to wait, H?” Your voice is small but firm and he’s taken aback by this admission, mouth slightly agape in an attempt to find the words he wanted to say. “What if– what if I don’t want to just be your girlfriend, your wife, the mother of your children? Have you ever thought about things from where I stand?” Rubbish, of course he had. He wanted to support you through every endeavour in life, no matter how big or small. At this point, he’s forgotten just how many times he’s mapped out your life together. He even has baby names floating around somewhere in his head, reserved just for the babies who’d have your smile and his eyes. The only catch was that the idea of you having to live a life in his shadow never crossed his mind. You were remarkable, irreplaceable to him, but that’s not all you wanted in life.
“I– Of course I have, my sweets,” he sighs, finally looking over to you in the passenger seat. Your eyelashes coated in wetness, almost glowing as the light reflected off the tears that coated them. Bottom lip between your teeth, you kept your gaze lowered. His heart clenched at the sight. It felt deeply shameful to admit that this life with him wasn’t enough for you. “Guess I jus’ thought y’ could have both. I thought I could give you the life y’ want.”
It’s not that he couldn’t give you that – it’s just that you wanted to create that life for yourself. You never wanted to rely on anyone, much less him, as much as he was willing to give that all to you in a heartbeat.
“I think we need some time apart, H.”
