A Hyperemesis Gravidarum Blog

[hyperemesiscanfuckoff]

Baby is 9.5 months old

I saw a couple notes and wanted to update. I took my last Zofran the morning I went into labor. Labor was very tough. I was in triage for 2-3 hours quickly dilating while waiting for a doctor to check my cervix. The health provider shortage in this country is Bad. I almost didn't have time for an epidural. But through it all I just kept thinking, "I'll be able to eat again!!!"

Being a working mom to an infant and preschooler is unbelievably hard. Some days I cry from the stress and overwhelm. My husband is still unemployed and has untreated ADHD. A lot of the time I hate everything.

But I am me again. And I can eat food.

To anyone suffering with HG: your suffering is real. It's not made up. You didn't do anything to cause it and you probably can't make it go away. If you have to make it through ten minutes at a time, do that. I'm sorry society has failed you. I'm sorry your doctor and your family have failed you. HG Survivors understand. Do whatever it takes to make it through and don't beat yourself up. Sending love and may your postpartum period be gentle, and may you find healing from this traumatic experience.

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Week 28

Still here, still miserable. I can eat and keep down 1-2 small meals a day (with Zofran and Pepcid), but for hours after eating I'm nauseous amd have heartburn. I haven't gotten back to my prepregnancy weight yet, even. Everything hurts. My back and legs and hips ache, and I have sharp pain in my left hip/glute (sciatica, probably!) which makes it really hard to do...anything. But I would take the muscle/skeletal pain over the nausea any day if I could choose. Having both simultaneously is a new level of cruel. I ate a small bowl of potato chips three hours ago and it's just sitting there, unmoving. If I don't eat dinner I get nauseous-hungry by bedtime, but if I do eat dinner I'm nauseous till bedtime anyway. Three more fucking months of this!!

[hyperemesiscanfuckoff]

Week 22, Complete

I'm so tired of feeling like this. During the pandemic, I gained a lot of weight because food was the last joy I had available to me. I'm an extrovert and having a baby and then covid kind of destroyed my mental health due to the lack of socializing. I still think it's worth it to socially distance, like, I don't want long covid. I am immunocompromised as a pregnant woman. I'll keep doing this to protect people even when it's hard.

But anyway, now that I don't even have food I truly feel like there is nothing worth looking forward to in my life. There is just wage work and then unpaid labor at home. I love my kid, she brings me unbelievable joy, which seems incompatible with depression, but it's like having two personalities. When I'm Mom, I can act engaged and enthusiastic. When I'm just me, I don't want to get out of bed. I want to cry all the time. I hurt. I feel unloved and unlovable. I know it's not normal but I don't know how to get better. I know the newborn days are going to be so hard. I don't feel connected to this baby (I didn't with my first pregnancy either, until she came out). I'm trying to feel gratitude for the many ways I am lucky, but it's just hard, man. I need so much more than people can give me right now.

[hyperemesiscanfuckoff]

Week 19

Just when you think the nausea and retching might be subsiding...BAM, another day of complete misery, wondering if you're gonna throw up on yourself at any moment, and just wishing it would get itself over with.

My therapist officially used the word "depression" today so that's where I'm at. I've always been anxious but I've only ever been depressed once before, when my dad died. It fucking SUCKS. I don't have the stamina, time, or structural support for any kind of self-care. I'm just a dead-eyed being, existing between moments.

[hyperemesiscanfuckoff]

Week 18

I had to go off the Reglan. Just Zofran is a significant downgrade. I have good days and bad. Good days mean I can eat one meal or one meal and a snack, and maybe an apple for dinner. My mouth still tastes horrible 1-2 hours after eating. On bad days, I retch and retch and sometimes vomit, can't drink water, feel like something is stuck in my throat and chest all day. I'm still not gaining weight.

Almost as bad as the physical symptoms are the psychological ones. Doing anything is a huge effort. Normally, I'm a busy bee. I love to read and draw and learn things. I get a lot of satisfaction off of crossing things off my to-do list. I like to plan and execute plans. I like to analyze. I like to work, generally. But I don't even know who I am anymore. I sit and stare and procrastinate. I scroll idly through social media, something I never do normally. I hate social media. But I just don't have any sparks left in me. Everything takes too much energy. I'm irritable and avoidant and cynical and no fun at all. I feel like I'm not a person anymore. Life without food and drink is just...barely worth living.

The only bright spot is that I've finally started feeling fetal movements. That's fun.

[hyperemesiscanfuckoff]

Week 13, Day 6

I had one (1) good day this week, on Monday, where the meds completely controlled my nausea and I was able to eat two meals without feeling sick. It was almost unwelcome, in retrospect, because it makes the bad days all the more bitter. Yesterday and today I dry heaved a bunch before breakfast, the reflux is on full blast, and eating anything makes me much more nauseous. Last night I had apple juice and crackers at 4:30, right after my afternoon Zofran, and I couldn't move off the couch for two hours, I felt so sick. I had an apple for dinner at 6:30, after the Reglan, and regretted that, too. This morning I had raspberries and a tiny egg biscuit and I just feel horrible. I hate this. This is hell.

[hyperemesiscanfuckoff]

Week 13

I feel so run down. I have to force myself to do my job, because we're a one income family right now and I really don't want to lose it. But even then, I'm doing the bare minimum. I can't even muster up the energy to do things I normally enjoy. Sometimes I just sit and stare because I can't muster up anything to do anything. I know intellectually it's because I'm literally starving, and the brain needs calories to function, and I'm in survival mode, but it's so hard. I just want to lie in bed and cry for the next six months.

The reflux is really bad. I can barely drink fluids because of the reflux. Then I get so thirsty by evening I'm just like, fuck it, and inadvisably gulp down a glass of juice, and then I'm nauseous and dry heaving and miserable the rest of the night. I watch my kid guzzle down a full glass of water and then milk and I live vicariously through her. I've forgotten what it's like to be normal. My mouth/brain and GI tract are completely disconnected. When I eat or drink, my brain says yes, this is great, liquids! Calories! And then my stomach says "oh god, what have you done? Get rid of it immediately. Go dry heave into the toilet for fifteen minutes and maybe throw up a little too." It's not like a stomach virus because at least with that, your whole body gets in sync about rejecting food. The mouth/stomach disconnect is killing me.

I only have one pregnancy app on my phone and I'll probably delete it, because it won't stop sending me tips about how much better I'm going to feel in the second trimester. You don't know me! I will not! Ditto my OB's office checkins. I want OBs to know and care about HG. They won't.

[hyperemesiscanfuckoff]

Week 12, Day 4

One of the absolute worst parts of HG is the lack of consistency. You are at the complete mercy of whatever your body decides to do that day. There is no correlation between what or when I have eaten, when I took my meds, how many liquids I have consumed, how much sleep I got, and how I feel. That's part of why "JUST EAT GINGER/CRACKERS" is so infuriating. If anything fucking worked I would have latched onto it like a thirsty leech, believe me. I do the same thing every day and some days I just can't function because I'm dry heaving or vomiting stomach acid into the toilet every couple of hours. Sometimes I get a placebo effect from some drink or food or routine for a few days and then it just...stops working. Sometimes the reflux just decides to be an asshole when I've eaten nothing interesting.

This is true for any illness or honestly, situation. Sometimes you'll do everything "right" and still suffer. I'm really depressed. I'm really nauseous. I'm in pain. Very few things help even a little, and nothing helps enough.

[hyperemesiscanfuckoff]

Week 10, Day 6

I realized the Miralax was fucking with my antiemetics when I didn't take the Miralax on Saturday and didn't feel like death from 11-4. I've stopped taking it and still feel like death lite most of the time, but I'm only retching in the morning and at night instead of all day long. Progress. The constipation is, of course, back now. Trying just the magnesium citrate every other day.

Went to my 11 week appt at the OB and she seemed rather unfamiliar with HG. I said I'd lost 12 pounds, could barely keep food down/can't eat because even a small amount of food sits in my stomach all day/the reflux is so severe, and am still vomiting despite two prescription antiemetics, and she was like "hmm, well, if it's really bad (really bad!! what is it now??) there's a patch you can wear behind your ear, or go to the ER for fluids. And things should get better by week 13." Doctors. Are. The. Worst. The closest recommended doctor from the Hyperemesis Foundation (hyperemesis.org) is an hour from me and their website links are all 404s, so that won't be happening.

Coca-Cola helps. I'm getting sick of juice. But I'm running out of liquids I can stand. I get a craving for really tart fruit like those super tart blackberries or clementines, but always too close to bed to indulge. The tightrope of "is it too close to a meal/snack I just ate or a meal/snack I'm about to eat to have some liquids and risk aggravating the reflux?" is never-fucking-ending.

[hyperemesiscanfuckoff]

Week 9, Day 5

I hate that I can't eat or drink anything without it leaving a gross, sour taste in my mouth. The reflux is so horrible. So, so horrible. I only feel okay for the first couple hours of the day when I neither eat nor drink anything. I hate this. I'm in hell.

[hyperemesiscanfuckoff]

Week 9, Day 4

Here's a list of shit I have to ingest every day to be minimally functional:

Zofran (8mg, 2-3x a day)

Reglan (10mg, 2-3x a day)

Pepcid (max dose, 2x a day)

Tums (when I'm retching violently from the acid creeping up my esophagus, but not too many times a day! because too much calcium can cause kidney stones FML)

Miralax (vile)

Magnesium citrate (giant horse pills that I have to swallow with my worst enemy, a larger-than-sip-sized amount of liquid)

Prune juice (after every meal, also vile)

And I'm still nauseous all day, every day. Every minute. Multiple times a day I run to the bathroom, sure I'm going to puke, but I just retch, half upside-down, and go through the motions of vomiting because the Zofran keeps anything from actually escaping. Then I sit shivering on the bathroom floor and try to collect myself so I can work/be a parent to my 3-year-old/bathe myself once every two weeks. And because the liquid technically works its way through my system, doctors say I, and people who suffer like me, are "doing fine." Never mind that I actively avoid eating and drinking because I feel so sick all the time, that a cup (A CUP!) of liquid makes my stomach physically hurt from churning and trying to get rid of it. Never mind that I am so depressed from feeling sick all the time that nothing to do, watch, see, or experience sounds appealing to me. Never mind that the US doesn't have mandated sick leave or parental leave, the insurance industry is a dystopian nightmare, and next to zero policies and protections for disabled people. You get a "make sure to take care of yourself!" lecture and a $100 bill for every visit. Like, fuck this. Fuck this garbage society and this fucking disease.

[hyperemesiscanfuckoff]

Week 9, Day 1

I don't feel quite as horrible as yesterday. Taking magnesium and being able to go to the bathroom helped a lot. There's almost no research on things I know to be true (1: my gastric emptying is 100% delayed, I don't care what the ONE study on non/pregnant people said. 2: constipation will make you feel like the food is coming up your throat after you eat it. There's no room for anything to go anywhere).

Haven't figured out a good schedule for my meds/various other things I have to force in my face. Zofran has to happen the minute I wake up or I'm done for. I usually take a Reglan around 10 so I can choke down some breakfast/lunch. Then around 2-3 the Zofran starts wearing off, but if I take it too early, I wake up at 11 pm sick again. I take the second Reglan a couple hours after the second Zofran. I have to fit in the magnesium and Miralax somewhere where they won't interfere with the other meds, but the magnesium must be taken with food, which is a struggle in and of itself. I take my prenatal vitamins when I remember/can stand it.

The Reglan makes me incredibly drowsy a couple hours after I take it. Like "fall asleep in your chair" drowsy.

I miss the days from like, last week? Two weeks ago? When I could eat a small meal in the evening. Now It's nibble nibble nibble all day instead, hating every single bite, often feeling sick after. I set a timer for one minute yesterday evening and took a small sip of apple juice every minute. Took 20 minutes to drink one glass. But I'm probably dehydrated, though I rarely show signs (I was really dehydrated when I went into labor the first time around and had no idea. Passed the skin test and urine color test, they only knew when they took my blood at the hospital). I felt a little better after that glass. Christ, do I hate ingesting things. I wish they could just put me in a coma for the next nine months.