inert

[hypnagogic-1]

still have been juggling with the idea of an anti depressant, im unsure of why im so scared of them.. but i truly am terrified to no end. i want to be able to do things and have friends without constantly reminding myself that im not here. i cannot help but feel so absolutely stupid and clueless about everything because i want to hear other people, but i hear them so much that im not here and i have nothing to stand on myself, which might be okay.. but i would like to feel here, and heard. its constant and i go short periods of time with being alright with it, but within a few hours time i am hating everything that i am or was.

[hypnagogic-1]

im so sick of being me i’m so sick of the racing thoughts the over thinking the constant feeling of being stuck the constant feeling like im fucking faking everything and i always want to be left alone i just always want to be alone but thats not what i want or need at all i dont know what the fuck to do with myself anymore i feel like i try so fucking hard but here i am again repeating the same things i’m not here

[hypnagogic-1]

skin peeling flakes nails digging in blood drying pores crying and my fingertip always giving in

[hypnagogic-1]

came to realize ive had most of my clothes since 8th grade and some of my possessions and i resist getting rid of them because i attached memories to them and its the same thing my mother has had difficulty with my whole life. i’m trying to free myself from it and i’m glad im able to do this, no matter how slow i’m going with it, i’m still doing it and thats good. i have a tendency to collect things i dont need and its not okay. trying to make big leaps, i have to or else ill be stuck forever. its very stressful but good nonetheless. working on getting back into therapy within the next few weeks

[hypnagogic-1]

i'm over serious and its driving me crazy and i feel fucking trapped by it

[hypnagogic-1]

you ask what my problem is and its been the same for years YEARS ive told you to not touch me and you get offended by it just please id like to be heard id like to be heard and understood

[hypnagogic-1]

what i meant to say i don't want to be alone but i do truly i just want to be alone with you

[hypnagogic-1]

just a collection of nice words propped up and saved

[hypnagogic-1]

why does it have to repeat if it would only retreat i'd have a piece of mind words said lies fed still but echoing curiously through my mind

[hypnagogic-1]

its as if everything i do tells my history lay it out flat in front of me through nostalgia life rings through my tired eyes my soul brings about new turn and weaves walking around corners i could only dream staring at faces i would be told i would never meet running from myself as i try to make everything else flee

[hypnagogic-1]

the wandering will never know my need to be around her slowly grows the missing her when shes not awake the movement of her sleep my own mental health at stake they say "youll know when to stay and when to go" when it come to her one will never know i shall always stay when i turn and start to walk away a thick fog and a darkening haze grab ahold of me its my own mistake

[hypnagogic-1]

a kiss from my darling only made up and circling in my head every time our eyes meet you laugh that shy turn oh our smiles meet you don't see what my eyes and mind see, my sweet, my sweet one can only bring to words one day you'll meet the view from my mind, my sweet sweet retreat from darkness into light watching the sleeping days and the restless nights wishing to share with her everything so scared it will alter her mind keeping quiet until it brings the feelings we will try to fly behind correction; my feelings, i shant tie you down. if you were to look my way one second whisked you away a partner in crime the reason to my rhyme boundlessly caught in wondrous yearnings to see you in the world the fire in my eyes, still burning the fire in yours one will never know one can only hope you'll feed it enough to grow

[hypnagogic-1]

stuck in the mud my minds been hard to find feet not moving freely paralyzed and entwined between figments of something made and the longing for an old feeling though it never even was as though it merely just escaped its own skewed meaning

[hypnagogic-1]

trying hard to stay detached trying to back off while slowly walking back into dependency but no one is there into my own arms that way i wont have to stare into the face of a haunted past acting like its nothing so i can be strong needing to learn to rid my mind of all my creeping thoughts i cannot surrender all my time when it comes to this distance is only in mind

[hypnagogic-1]

waking up deep in sleep the world moves around me it slows as i breathe too comfortable to move past it to uneducated to fully know do i make the beauty on my own and see chaos in truth shown

[hypnagogic-1]

after a day of distraction what comes to be? a puddle on the floor my tears the sea to catch you to feel you as you leave a wish to protect you a wish will be all it will be

[hypnagogic-1]

soaking in troublesome thoughts not technically reading between the lines but the lines i read worry me to fall down where the rest swim i will not hesitate to jump in