@decoura asked: five times kissed >:3c
ONE. a fleeting moment. jakurai might miss it if he looks away for even a second. ramuda’s saying something about - oh , what is it again ? something about lessons . about teaching him to rap , he thinks . that’s right - wasn’t he the one who suggested it in the first place ? yet , he loves to listen to ramuda speak , loves to watch his lips move . they look so soft . . . he’s never particularly wanted to kiss someone before , he’s never wanted so badly to touch anyone at all , &. certainly not in an affectionate manner . he’s not really listening , not as much as he should be / he’s too taken , too awestruck to pay attention , instead focusing on the slight movements . it’s then that he realizes he’s being asked a question .
he has no idea how to answer ( how could he , when he doesn’t know the question ? ) but instead blinks , once , twice , thrice . ramuda giggles , hops forward , something akin to a bunny , &. places a kiss on his cheek .
“ what , did you get all caught up in looking at me &. forget how to speak ? it’s okay , i forgive you ! “
a gesture meant to tease , he supposes . still , he doesn’t know how to react / forgets even that they’re in a hospital , that this is their very first meeting . ( it feels like hes known him forever . ) the other turns , giggles , says something incomprehensible to a lovestruck jakurai &. waves goodbye . he almost moves , almost grabs him , almost whirls him around for a kiss , the first he’s ever truly wanted in his thirty - three years of miserable existence .
almost . almost . almost .
he pretends nothing happened .
TWO. there’s electricity in his fingers . just barely , just slightly , his touch ramuda’s , not intertwined but resting within each other , just one more almost to add to the list . he nearly cant breathe / the chilled air feels frigid in his lungs , but his face feels hot , as though his blood is molten &. his breath directly from the arctic cold . they’re settled under a streetlight , not quite close but not far , either , set atop a park bench at who knows what hour of the night . they’ve had silence for so long , now , while jakurai attempts &. fails to muster the courage it takes to speak , only sensation the biting temperature &. the sound of insects buzzing overhead . ( it’s summer , so why does it feel so cold at night ? )
it’s ramuda who breaks the silence . for all of the no - good courage mustering he’s been trying for what feels like twelve hours now , he still cannot utter a word . he doesn’t know how to respond , how to react , how to speak . words feel so mandatory now , more than ever before , &. yet it is now that they escape him most . he wants to cry , wants to scream at his own inability to express how deeply he feels for him , how at the very first meeting &. every meeting thereafter he knew this day would could , at least for him . he is so deeply frustrated with his own inaction , &. yet he continues to turn his eye , blind .it should not be this difficult , should not be a fraction as difficult as it feels , &. yet the very notion of utterance feels as though it will tear him apart from the inside out . he nearly expresses his feelings in another way .
he turns to look at ramuda , who is not looking at him . leans forward , braces himself , almost turns ramuda’s head by leading his chin where he might make use of those soft lips .
almost . almost . almost .
he pretends nothing happened .
THREE. he’s injured . blood gushes from a wound that he already knows isn’t life - threatening , but will hurt for a few days , at least . he must be getting old ; in his prime , downing thirty men wouldn’t even leave him out of breath , not if they were not trained the way he had been from childhood . now , it’s beginning to become a struggle to take care of ten . it feels frustrating , to be limited by his own body in such a way , where once he exceeded this level of talent by leaps &. bounds , but he supposes it is inevitable .
but ramuda , ever the dramatic , is pouring over him , losing his mind with the fear of losing him . perhaps it’s uncouth , but jakurai doesn’t explain to him that he will be just fine for two reasons . the first being that he is exhausted , that his eyelids dip heavily as though pulled by weights . he needs sleep , but first he needs to at least bandage his wound that he may get the rest he so sorely needs . jakurai’s always clammed up when exhausted , always been incapable of speaking when sleep tugs at his conscience .
the second reason being that if he is to be frankly &. utterly honest , he quite likes the feeling of someone worrying about him . for someone who has always been idolized , but never truly cared for in all his life , it’s a wonderful change of pace . still , he feels horrible for worrying ramuda so . he nearly pulls him in gently , to show him in his own way that he is okay , that he will be okay . he nearly whispers a promise ‘pon soaked lips unto whatever ears may listen .
almost . almost . almost .
he pretends nothing happened .
FOUR. his memory is hazy . they’re huddled close , tightly bound by a thick blanket ‘pon jakurai’s bed . he leans over , places one , two , three kisses , causing ramuda to laugh , his voice a song to his ears , his smile art to his eyes . how they got here , he neither remembers nor wonders , using his position to lay on top of him . ramuda is trapped , now , but he doesn’t seem too upset about it ; he just keeps laughing , keeps smiling , keeps pressing kisses with those velvet soft lips , &. jakurai presses a few of his own in return . it’s a moment of peace , a moment to transcend others / a moment where he may forget all that’s occurred in his life , in their partnership , replace it all with good things , a canvas before him of beautiful scenery making up the visage of a dearly loved one . he presses another kiss, another , yet another .
jakurai wakes with a start , glances to his side , sees ramuda missing from his place beside him . he rubs sleep from his own slumberous eyes , glances around . he can only remember half his dream , normally they’re nightmares - but he remembers the feeling it gave him , one of warmth , of love , a feeling of butterflies in his stomach the likes of which he’s never felt before . he misses it already .
ramuda enters sneakily , before laying eyes on him .
“ i was trying not to wake you up . “
ramuda nods understandingly , says something jakurai doesn’t quite process entirely about how he stepped away while he was sleeping to get a drink , or something like that . he nods anyways , looks at him while he settles back in beside him , ignoring the flickering of the movie they fell asleep to ( or , at least , that he did . ) he nearly leans in to kiss him , to reenact his dream in person .
almost . almost . almost .
he pretends nothing happened .
FIVE. they’re huddled inside , laying together on a bed to fend off the winter chill . jakurai brushes the bangs from ramuda’s face , looks into his eyes as though he might drown in them . he thinks a million thoughts &. at the same time , none at all . his breath feels shallow , like at any second it might escape him , fade off never to be seen again , feels as though he may lose it at a moment’s notice but still he breathes , still he watches , still he longs for affection &. yet despises it . jakurai watches him tentatively , moves thumb back &. forth knowing it will do no good . ir is the touch that he craves , alien to him who normally only touches for practical matters .
this time , it’s him who says it , a whisper more easily left unheard than understood . he has wanted to utter those words for so very long , &. yet it’s only now that he finally manages them , after ages of dating &. hating &. fucking &. fighting . to think , that it is only now , years after their relationship began &. ended , after pretending to despise one another , after the smell of sex lingers in the air heavily , that he finally managed to sort out his own emotions well enough to say it , however quietly , but vocally , out loud , in comprehensible , near tangible words . he waits with bated breath , watches ramuda watch him .
he wants to cry , wants to breathe , can manage neither . his stomach feels like it’s doing flips , like he has a reason to be nervous when he already knows how ramuda feels , despite all of their arguments . ( they would not be here were it not for those lingering feelings from both parties . ) he wants to kiss him , &. he is damn tired of almosts . jakurai is tired of pretending , of hesitating , of losing his opportunity .
he leans in , presses his lips against ramuda’s . he doesn’t regret it .
