I don't use tumblr anymore. I haven't used it I almost 10 years but I need somewhere to write my feelings without people I know seeing them. I feel fucking lost, I feel like I'm losing myself. the most important things to me in life are the people I love and I've lost them, I have lost people I thought were good friends mutually, and I feel like all I have left is broken friendships that are forced. I know it's my fault partly and there fault initially. people have picked me up and dropped me so many times that I have trust issues, I can't be the old me anymore because my brain is telling me no one likes me so I suppress the me I am naturally, and that's why people find it hard to be in my company now. they're sitting with the shell of who I was and I'm sitting within the shell of who we were and although I know it's vicious cycle, I can't break it. with every cold shoulder and 'read at 07:47' staring me in the face, I feel like this vice grip on myself gets tighter, and the only friend I have left who I feel like myself around just isn't herself anymore and won't let me in. I feel fucking lonely but people tell me I'm not, people tell me I have more people around me than others they know but I feel fucking lost. I just want to be carefree again, I want to feel like I can make bad jokes, laugh at stupid things but whenever I try I feel the piercing stares and dissapointment so strongly that I keep it in. I know I should cut the people off who make me feel this way but I also worry I'm too much this new person who holds back to make new connections, and when I'm in a good place I'm too boring to hang out with and when I'm sad it's the same, it's like I need to be recklessly drinking alcohol to hide my emotions but not sad enough to laugh it off, the right balance of okay to be any good to anyone. anyway that's my rant,
