I want to pester you, even though it doesnât make sense I will stop all calculating thoughts As if Iâve lied, I want you to find out this excitement of mine I donât want to stay by your side as if I were a scent...
There were many things that could go wrong with all of this. Marriage? To Felix? Hyunjin wasnât sure this was a good idea, despite how happy it might make him. It was a secret from the man in question and it would remain that way, but how was he supposed to keep his secret when he was married to the man and living with him.
Years ago it wasnât this hard. Felix followed him around and Hyunjin loved it. He loved that the younger male wanted to be around him because he didnât have attention from his own family. Felixâs attention made him feel wanted. It was always the two of them until it wasnât. Felix moved onto someone else when Hyunjinâs brother came back from overseas. He hadnât seen Hanjae in such a long time and the older brother was much nicer and generous than Hyunjin.Â
From there Hyunjin changed. He didnât like the person he became. Seeing Felix beg for Hanjaeâs attention made some sort of switch go off in Hyunjinâs head. Seeing his brother get something Hyunjin wanted without any effort broke his heart and the person who suffered from it was Felix.
He became cruel. He knew what he was doing. If he couldnât have Felix want him, he would make Felix hate him.
But it was killing him.
I want to pester you, even though it doesnât make sense
I will stop all calculating thoughts
As if Iâve lied, I want you to find out this excitement of mine
I donât want to stay by your side as if I were a scent
Through high school and college, he saw Felix more than Felix ever wanted. They were family friends and they had the same group of friends. If it wasnât a night out with the family, they would meet up at a club and it just turned into the two of them arguing.
It was pathetic.Â
He remembered in high school how the two of them got into some stupid argument over a project where they were partners (Hyunjin might have flirted with the teacher to pair him with Felix) and Felix ran off. Hyunjin found him in the library, his head resting in a book as he napped. Hyunjin sat down next to him and rested his arms on the table before resting his head on top of it. He couldnât help but stare at the beautiful male. He reached out, gently brushing hair from the maleâs face.
As I hold your hand, I get younger
I flirt saying donât look at me like that, which is not very nice
Iâll look you in the eyes and get one step closer to you
I plan it but in front of you, Iâm still a kid
It is moments like this that Felix didnât know about. The moments where Hyunjin puts his pride behind and just wants to be near Felix.
Even going to the club, Hyunjin may come off as someone who sleeps around (and he does, there is no doubt), but he couldnât count on his hands the amount of times he was called by a friend to take Felix home when he was too drunk. Felix always thought it was someone else because Hyunjin always left. Or when someone was being a bit too much and didnât seem to take a no from Felix as a means to stop, Hyunjin got them taken out of the club.
He could never actually show the other how much he cared. If Felix knew then what? Nothing would come from? Felix has already written Hyunjin off and with good reason.Â
I know that bothering you does not get me anything
And what I know best is that you are the only thing that inhabits my mind
My heart loves you
Wants to have your heart
My feelings are quite toxic
You are the only detoxifierÂ
Despite everything, he still wanted Felix to be his. This wedding was just another sick excuse to keep him on Felixâs mind.Â
Even as they were pronounced married, Felix glared at him and Hyunjin felt like his heart was dying. He did this to himself. He made himself the villain in Felixâs mind.Â
âIs telling him honestly the worst thing?â His brother asked after another night of Felix running out after another fight.
Hyunjin leaned back in his chair, staring up at the sky. His brother and him were sitting on the back patio, the stars barely visible because of the lights of the city. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, âWould he believe me? And what have I done to prove it?â
âYou do everything for him,â Hanjae pointed out with a frown, âIf youâd just let me or the guys mention it-â
âNo. Felix canât know. He wouldnât like it.â
Iâm sure how I feel but it doesnât go the way I want
My naive expressions, actions and manners will make me seem like a baby to you
Being like an adult, love like an adult,
Being a mature man, things that seem easy
But itâs hard when Iâm with you
âYou think you have the right to tell me what to do?â
He was caught in between a rock and a hard place. The words left his lips before he had any real control. Anger bottled up in the pits of his stomach and he just spoke with little regard. The things he said to Felix⊠he didnât blame the other.
It was his own fault. He should have just shut up.
âYou accuse me of being a slut, but God forbid you are fucking someone at least once a week,â Felix accused and Hyunjin couldnât even deny it, but he was drunk and drunk Hyunjin didnât know better.
âPlease,â Hyunjin scoffed, âItâs one thing when I do it. Itâs normal and meaningless when I do it, but you⊠Mr. Iâm-Too-Good-For-Anyone. Iâd bet youâd give it up for my brother in an-â
The slap came immediately. Even if they were on a crowded street in the city. The world around them seemed silent as he looked at Felix in surprise.Â
âFuck. You.â
Hyunjin could only stand there and watch Felix walk away from him, getting in the car of the guy from his school. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he looked at his friend as the tears started to well up in Hyunjinâs eyes, âW-why canât I just treat him right?â
His friend patted his back and ushered him away from the prying eyes and to Hyunjinâs car to drive him home.
I thought I knew
I was audacious as if I knew everything
But I didnât know, with you
Every time I get closer it gets harder
I prepare what Iâm going to say, but it disappears
At last I end up saying nonsense
âYou remember when we came here when we were kids?â Hyunjin asked, nudging Felixâs arm, âYou wanted to get the boat ride and as soon as we were on it, you immediately started crying and clung to me the entire time.â
Felix scoffed, rolling his eyes as he looked away from Hyunjin, âI was like ten years old. Of course I cried. Itâs a giant swinging boat!â
Hyunjin motioned to the ride before holding out his hand to Felix. His heart started to race when he thought about the other actually taking his hand, âThen want to give it another try? You can cling to me all you want. I wonât let anything happen to you.â
The younger male looked up at Hyunjin and then at the hand offered to him. He seemed to think about for a moment before he took hold of Hyunjinâs hands, intertwining their fingers, âPrepare to be very disappointed.â
Felix pulled Hyunjin towards the ride and Hyunjinâs eyes fell on their intertwined fingers. He couldnât help but smile. Even after their fight, they made up and things were going a little easier now. He was trying to be decent the best he could. Moments like this made him think maybe there was a chance with Felix.
As I held your hand, I get younger
I flirt saying donât look at me like that, which is not very nice
Iâll look you in the eyes and get one step closer to you
I plan it but in front of you, Iâm still a kid
âGod! Why donât you fucking grow up?!â
Felix scoffed loudly and gestured at himself, âMe? I need to grow up? At least I never brought anyone to the home we share!â
âHeâs tutoring me! Iâm not fucking him! And stop pretending like this marriage means shit to you,â Felix pushed his finger into Hyunjinâs chest. They glared at each other, âThis is just a means for you to get that position as Vice President. Yeah, I found out.â
Color fell from Hyunjinâs face. Felix found out? Yeah, he made that request of his brother and father, but they swore they wouldnât tell Felix. It would become news much later and it would make it seem like his own merit. He didnât even care about that anymore honestly. The two of them had been doing so much better. They were just talking and laughing more than fighting. They hadnât had a big fight in months then that asshole had to come into their shared home and jealousy took over Hyunjin.Â
It was like the moment Felix even looked at another guy, Hyunjin lost all sense of reason. It wasnât healthy. It wasnât right either. Felix didnât deserve this. Hyunjinâs insecurities were his own and it was his own fault for never actually telling Felix how he felt.
Felix pushed his shoulder, âWhat? Not going to say anything? Like you said, we both get something out of this, right? But you sure as hell made out as a winner. Was it all worth it? Making me fucking miserable so you could become Vice President? Why couldnât you just leave me alone?â
âFelix, Jesus. It was never like that,â Hyunjin grabbed Felixâs wrist when the other turned to leave. Felix tried to yank his arm away, but Hyunjin held firm, âIt was never like that! Can you just listen to me?â
âMaybe⊠we should go,â Hanjae muttered, standing up slowly. Their friends had all come that night to celebrate Hanjaeâs promotion to President of the company, but then Felix had to invite his own friend and Hyunjin just had to start shit.
âNo. You guys need to hear this too. Tell me, Hyunjuin. Why?â Felix cried, pushing him away, âWhy should I? All you do is confuse me! One day, youâre sweet and the next day you are absolute shit to me. You keep manipulating me and gaslighting me and making me feel like shit and for what? Why do I have to be the only one miserable wishing you would just be good to me?â
Hanjae made his way over and rested a hand on Hyunjinâs shoulder, âFelix, you should-â
âNo, let him keep going,â Hyunjinâs voice was quiet as he looked Felix in the eyes. He didnât look away, but his expression said it all. If he ever regretted the things he did, it all seemed to weigh in on this moment.
âHa⊠ha,â Felix laughed humorlessly, âOh, you want to hear it? You are a slut. All you do is bury yourself in some other skank or assholeâs bed to drown out how pathetic you are! You will never know what actual love is. You donât deserve to be loved!â
âFelix!â Hanjae rose his voice, surprising Felix. He had never heard Hanjae yell, especially not at him. âEnough. You donât know what youâre saying. Thatâs too far.â
âNo,â Hyunjin shrugged, âHeâs right.â
Hyunjin lifted his hand and pulled off the ring on his finger. He stared at it for a moment before he gently grabbed Felixâs hand and placed it in his hand. He raised his eyes to look at Felixâs, âIâll get our lawyer to make up the papers tomorrow. You can⊠keep the house. You wonât have to see me again, Felix.â
Without saying goodbye, Hyunjin grabbed his wallet and keys from the entrance and left the house. It was eerily silent for a moment. Felix had turned to watch Hyunjin leave before he turned to look at Hanjae, âHe⊠he just left?â
âFelix, Hyunjin has been in love with you since he was sixteen.â
The words took Felixâs breath away.
What should I do?
Am I wrong?
It will be over soon
I want to get closer
More, until I reach you
Iâll look you in the eyes and get one step closer to you
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