masterlist ;;;; ššŖ” (all hyunjin centric & contain smut)
bury me
blue & gray
fuck it if i canāt have us
pictures of ghosts
passing notes in secrecy
2am, who do you love ?
the project pt 1 pt 2
hotter than your ex, better than your next
dahlia
Mike Driver
cherry valley forever
AnasAbdin
Today's Document
Cosimo Galluzzi
todays bird

PR's Tumblrdome

Origami Around
trying on a metaphor
styofa doing anything
sheepfilms
I'd rather be in outer space šø

ā
No title available
RMH
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her

Discoholic šŖ©
dirt enthusiast

shark vs the universe

⣠Chile in a Photography ā£
seen from Germany

seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from Türkiye
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States

seen from Vietnam
seen from Germany

seen from United Kingdom

seen from T1

seen from Australia

seen from Poland

seen from United States

seen from Canada

seen from United States

seen from Türkiye
seen from Malaysia
seen from Maldives
seen from Poland
@hyunvom
masterlist ;;;; ššŖ” (all hyunjin centric & contain smut)
bury me
blue & gray
fuck it if i canāt have us
pictures of ghosts
passing notes in secrecy
2am, who do you love ?
the project pt 1 pt 2
hotter than your ex, better than your next
dahlia
bury me
synopsis: When you become stray kidsā ninth member Hyunjin makes sure to make your life a living hell, but beneath the hatred burns something far more intense.
pairing: idol hyunjin x 9th member, idol yn
word count: 10k
cw: enemies to lovers, detailed explicit smut, sexual tension!!!! semi-public sex, panic attack, hyunjin is really mean at first
You were going to be the ninth member of Stray Kids.
It had been six months since JYP announced the addition, six months since your life flipped from trainee to idol overnight.
The fans called it revolutionary. The company called it āperfect synergy.ā The eight boys called it⦠complicated.
Especially him.
Hyunjin.
From the first day you stepped into the dorm he made his position crystal clear: he didnāt want you there. He never said it outright in front of the other members or the staff, but the cold silences, the sharp glares and the constant passive aggressive comments during practice told everyone everything they needed to know.
The other members tried to mediate. They really did. But nothing worked. Hyunjinās resentment ran deep, and every attempt to fix it only seemed to make it worse. You still didnāt fully understand why. You worked just as hard, harder, sometimes. You hit every mark, learned the choreography faster than expected and kept your mouth shut during most of his outbursts. Yet he looked at you like you were stealing something precious from him. From them. From the group heād bled for since pre debut. And today, like most days, that tension was about to boil over again.
-
You woke up to the soft hum of the dormās air conditioner and the distant sound of someone already moving around in the kitchen. Your room was small but private, the only single room in the entire dorm. The boys were split four and four: Chan, Minho, Changbin, and Hyunjin in one, Jisung, Felix, Seungmin, and Jeongin in the other. At least here you could breathe without feeling like an intruder.
You sat up, rubbing the sleep from your eyes and checked your phone. 6:47. Practice started at 8:30. You had time.
Slipping out of bed you padded over to your closet. You chose a simple oversized hoodie and loose practice shorts, comfortable enough to move in but not sloppy. You looked at yourself in the mirror for a second. Donāt let him get to you today, you told yourself. Just dance.
You grabbed your water bottle and bag and stepped out into the hallway. The bathroom door was closed, the light on. Someone was already inside. You leaned against the wall, waiting.. and a minute passed.
The door finally opened and Hyunjin stepped out, shirtless, towel slung low around his hips, damp hair falling into his eyes. He froze for half a second when he saw you and then his expression instantly hardened.
Not knowing what to do you just nodded politely. āMorning.ā
He didnāt reply right away. Instead, he muttered under his breath as he brushed past you, voice low and venomous enough for only you to hear.
āAlways in the fucking wayā¦ā
Your stomach twisted and you turned around to face his back. āWhat did you just say?ā
Hyunjin paused in the hallway, back still to you. āYou heard me.ā
The tension in the narrow corridor was suffocating. You could smell his shampoo, see the water still clinging to his shoulder blades. He was beautiful even when he was being cruel and that somehow made it worse.
Before you could snap back Changbinās door opened and he poked his head out, clearly sensing trouble. āYah, itās too early for this. Save it for practice.ā
Hyunjin scoffed and disappeared into his room without another word, and you just stood there, jaw clenched, nails digging into your palms.
Why does he hate you so much? What did you ever do to him?
-
Practice started like any other day.
The choreographer was running you through the new title track for the upcoming comeback. The formation had been adjusted multiple times to make sure everyone's visible, but Hyunjin kept āaccidentallyā stepping on your marks or cutting you off during transitions.
āAgain,ā the choreographer called. āFrom the chorus.ā
You were sweating, chest heaving. Your body ached, but you pushed through. During the bridge you moved into position beside Hyunjin for the partner section. His hand brushed your waist, too rough, fingers digging in harder than necessary as he spun you.
āWatch itā he hissed under the music, voice barely audible. You whipped your head toward him.
āYouāre the one grabbing too hard!ā you replied.
āFocus!ā the choreographer shouted.
But it was too late. The move fell apart. Hyunjin let go of you abruptly, and you stumbled, catching yourself at the last second. Chan immediately stepped forward.
āOkay, letās take five.ā
āNo,ā Hyunjin said loudly, eyes locked on you. āLetās not. Maybe if she actually knew what she was doing we wouldnāt need five.ā
The room went dead silent and you felt heat and embarrassment rush to your face. āI know the choreography better than you right now, Hyunjin. Maybe if you stopped trying to sabotage me every five secondsāā
āSabotage?ā He laughed bitterly, stepping closer. āYou waltz in here like you belong, take up space, take up time, and weāre all supposed to smile and pretend itās fine? This group was perfect before you.ā
āHyunjin just fucking stop this man.ā Minho warned quietly.
āNo. Iām sick of pretending.ā His voice rose. āEvery practice now sheās just here, breathing down our necks, messing up formations that worked for years. Just admit it, sheās a dead weight.ā
Your heart pounded so hard it hurt. Anger and humiliation burned behind your eyes but you refused to cry in front of them.
āI work just as hard as any of you,ā you shot back, voice shaking with fury. āI didnāt ask to be added, but Iām here now. Deal with it or keep acting like a spoiled child who canāt share his toys.ā
Hyunjinās eyes flashed. He took another step forward, towering over you. Chan moved fast, stepping between you.
āEnough! Both of you!ā
But Hyunjin wasnāt done.
āShe shouldnāt be here.ā
āAnd yet she is,ā Chan said sharply. āWe all voted. The company decided. You donāt get to throw a tantrum every day and ruin practice.ā
Hyunjin stared at Chan for a long second, chest rising and falling. Then he turned on his heel, grabbed his bag, and stormed out of the practice room, slamming the door so hard the mirrors rattled.
Silence.
You stood there, fists clenched, trying to steady your breathing. The other members looked between you and the door, obviously uncomfortable. Felix came over and gently touched your shoulder.
āYou okay? Iām so sorryā
You nodded, even though you were far from that. Chan sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair
āLetās call it for today. Weāll pick this up tomorrow when everyoneās calmer.ā
-
Back at the dorm the atmosphere was just beyond heavy.
You stayed in your room for hours, replaying the fight in your head. Why does he hate me? What did I do? The questions looped endlessly, feeding the anger simmering in your chest. You hated how much space he took up in your mind.
It was around 2 am now and you just couldnāt sleep. Your stomach growled, so you slipped out quietly toward the kitchen for water and maybe a snack.
The light was already on, and Hyunjin stood at the counter in a black tank top and sweatpants, drinking from a bottle of water. He looked up when you entered. For a moment, neither of you spoke. You moved to the fridge, pretending he wasnāt there, but every nerve in your body was aware of him. He set the bottle down.
ā...I shouldnāt have said that stuff today.ā
You froze, back still to him. Hyunjin continued, voice low. āIn front of everyone. That was too far.ā
You turned slowly. āBut you meant it.ā
He didnāt deny it. His dark eyes met yours, unreadable. āI donāt want you here. That hasnāt changed. Iām not going to lie and say weāre going to be best friends or some crap like that.ā
The words hit like a slap, even though you had expected them. You laughed bitterly, the sound sharp in the quiet kitchen.
āWow. Great apology.ā
āItās not an apology for how I feel,ā he said flatly. āItās an apology for losing control in practice. Thereās a difference.ā
You stepped closer and you could see the faint redness still in his eyes from earlier anger, the way his jaw was still tight. He was beautiful and infuriating, and you wanted to scream at him and shove him and ask him what the fuck his problem is. You wanted to yell at him and hurt him the same way he was hurting you.
āI donāt understand you,ā you whispered instead. āI never did anything to you. I admire this group. I respect what you built. And you treat me like poison.ā
You were a hundred percent sure you caught his gaze drop to your lips for a split second before flicking back up.
What the fuck was that?
āMaybe you are.ā
The silence stretched, heavy. Your heart hammered against your ribs. You hated how he made you feel small and furious and seen all at once. He pushed off the counter. āStay out of my way. Iāll stay out of yours as much as I can.ā
Then he walked past you and you stood alone in the kitchen, fists clenched, breathing hard. Fuck him for making you feel like shit every day.
-
You barely slept.
Every time you closed your eyes you heard his low voice in the kitchen.
āMaybe you areā
By the time your alarm went off at 6:30 am you felt exhausted and irritated with yourself. You got ready quickly, choosing a cropped hoodie and black practice shorts this time. When you stepped into the kitchen the atmosphere was already heavy once again.
Hyunjin was there, leaning against the counter with a protein shake in hand. He didnāt look at you. Not even a glance. His jaw was tight, eyes fixed on the wall like you werenāt even in the room. Changbin said something to him and he only gave a small hum in response. When Felix tried cracking a joke his reply was short, almost curt. The only people he actually seemed to be speaking to and interacting with normally were Jeongin and Jisung. Was he just mad at everyone now? Seriously?
You ate your yogurt in silence, trying not to let it bother you. Good, you told yourself. At least heās finally leaving you alone. Thatās something! But what you didnāt expect was that the complete lack of acknowledgment somehow felt worse than his cruelty.
-
The van ride to the company was even more suffocating. You sat in the back row. Hyunjin sat in the middle, laughing quietly at something Jisung whispered to him. He never once turned his head in your direction. Not when you shifted in your seat, not when you reached for your water bottle. It was like you didnāt exist.
Practice Room ā 9:15 am
The choreographer seemed relieved that today was calmer. Hyunjin was⦠perfect. He hit every mark. He didnāt step on your spots. He didnāt hiss comments under his breath. When the partner section came his hands were professional, firm but not rough, exactly on beat, then gone.
It should have felt like a relief.
Instead it made your skin crawl.
Because even though he was behaving, you could see the anger simmering under his skin. The way his jaw stayed clenched. The way his eyes looked darker than usual. The way his movements were sharp, almost aggressive, even when they werenāt directed at you.
During a five minute water break, you sat against the mirror, knees pulled up. Your eyes kept drifting to him no matter how hard you tried to stop. You wanted to read him so bad. What the fuck was his problem?
Why did you look at my lips last night?
The question kept circling in your head.
Why did your voice get so low when you said I was poison?
You watched as he tilted his head back to drink from his bottle, throat working, sweat already glistening on his neck and collarbones. The black tank top clung to his chest. Your gaze dropped lower without permission, down his torso, over the loose gray sweatpants.
Your stomach dropped.
Is he.. hard? He was hard.
The outline was straining against the fabric. He shifted his hips slightly, angling his body away from the rest of the guys, casually tugging the hem of his tank top lower to hide it. He was so subtle but you couldnāt take your eyes away from him, so you obviously fucking saw it.
Disgust crashed over you like ice water. What the actual fuck is wrong with you?
You ripped your eyes away so fast your neck ached. Heat burned your cheeks and shame twisted so violently in your chest you felt nauseous. He humiliated you yesterday in front of the entire group. He said youāre dead weight. He wants you gone. And youāre sitting here staring at his dick like a pathetic, desperate slut?
You dug your nails into your palms until it hurt.
Youāre disgusting. He treats you like garbage and your body still reacts? What kind of weak, masochistic idiot are you?
You pressed your forehead hard against your knees, breathing through your mouth. The worst part wasnāt even noticing, it was the low throb between your legs that followed. The way your thighs instinctively pressed together. The way your mind flashed to what he might feel like under that fabric.
You wanted to throw up.
Heās probably hard because heās so fucking pissed off that youāre here. Heās so fucking angry at you his body doesnāt even know what to do.
You felt filthy. Revolted by your own body. By your own thoughts.
āBack to places!ā the choreographer called.
You pushed yourself off the floor, legs a little shaky. The group reformed, and the music started again. You forced your focus onto the choreography, counting beats in your head.
But then, barely one minute in, Hyunjin suddenly stopped dancing.
āExcuse me,ā he said, voice tight. āI need to use the bathroom.ā
The choreographer paused the music and nodded. Hyunjin didnāt wait for a reply. He turned and walked out of the practice room quickly, the door closing behind him with a soft click.
You stared at the closed door.
Hyunjin hated stopping practice. He was usually the one pushing everyone to keep going even when people were dying.
You tried to focus on the formation again, but your mind kept spinning. Ten minutes passed. The choreographer had everyone run the chorus without the partner sections while they waited.
When the door finally opened again, Hyunjin stepped back inside.
His cheeks were flushed a deep pink, almost red. A thin sheen of sweat glistened on his forehead that wasnāt there before. His breathing looked a little too controlled, like he was trying to slow it down. His black tank top was slightly rumpled, and he kept his eyes lowered as he walked back to his position.
No one else seemed to notice. Changbin teased him lightly about taking too long and he only muttered something short in reply, voice lower than usual.
But you knew.
The second you saw those flushed cheeks and the way he avoided looking at anyone, your stomach twisted violently.
He went to jerk off.
The realization hit you like a slap. Heād been hard, painfully hard, for whatever fucking reason. Maybe because he was so fucking angry. And instead of dealing with it, heād gone to the bathroom and gotten himself off just so he could finish practice without his dick straining against his sweats.
Your face burned with humiliation.
God, you really are so disgusting. What kind of fucked up person gets turned on by someone who canāt stand them? He fucking hates your guts, and besides that heās your bandmate. This was all so inappropriate and gross but what were you supposed to do with your fucked up brain. You wish you could control it.
Hyunjin moved back into formation beside you for the partner section. This time when his hand landed on your waist, his fingers felt hotter than before. His skin was still slightly damp. You could smell the faint scent of the practice room soap on him.
Your breath hitched.
He didnāt look at you. Not once. His jaw was clenched even tighter now. The flush on his cheeks hadnāt fully faded.
And you?
You felt sick with self loathing⦠and so unbearably turned on that it made you want to scream. Fuck him for making you feel like this, fucking asshole.
-
The dorm was silent at 3.38 am.
Youād given up on sleep hours ago. This had become your new normal, lying in bed replaying everything that went down, how you did at practice, what was said to you, mistakes, all of it.
Tonight was worse. Your body felt restless.
You slipped out of your room in an oversized t shirt and tiny sleep shorts, hoping a glass of water and the dark living room might calm you down.
But of course, just like last night, he was already there.
Hyunjin was sprawled on the couch, legs spread, one arm draped over his eyes. The only light came from the small lamp in the corner. He didnāt move when you entered but you saw his shoulders tense.
You froze for half a second, then walked to the kitchen anyway, pretending he wasnāt there. You filled your glass slowly.
āYou really canāt sleep either, huh?ā you muttered, more to yourself than him.
He didnāt answer at first. Then his low voice cut through the quiet.
āā¦I sleep fine when certain people arenāt ruining everything.ā
You turned around, leaning against the counter, looking at him through the open kitchen door. āRight. Everything was perfect before I showed up. Must be so hard for you.ā
Hyunjin slowly sat up, eyes finally meeting yours. The look in them was dark, exhausted. He looked like he hadnāt slept properly in days either.
āYou have no idea,ā he said, voice rough. āHow fucking exhausting it is to have you around. Constantly.ā
āStill singing that same song?ā you scoffed. āItās been months, Hyunjin. Get over it.ā
You were in the living room now, standing in front of him.
āI didnāt ask for this either. But Iām here. And Iām not going anywhere. So maybe stop acting like a spoiled little prince who canāt handle change.ā
Hyunjin stood up from the couch.
āYou think this is just about change?ā His voice dropped, low and venomous. āThis is about watching everything we built get diluted because the company wanted a gimmick. And now I have to look at you every single day. Touch you during partner work. Pretend I donāt want toāā
He cut himself off, jaw clenching so hard it looked painful.
āPretend you donāt want to what?ā you pushed, heart hammering. āSay it.ā
He was breathing hard through his nose. His eyes dragged down your body, lingering on your bare thighs, the hem of your shirt, the way your chest rose and fell, before snapping back to your face.
āPretend I donāt fucking hate how much space you take up in my headā he finished, almost snarling.
The confession hung between you. He hated you so fucking bad you were all he could think about.
You laughed bitterly. āIs that why you look so tense all the time, Hyunjin? Why you wake up every day walking around like youāre one second away from snapping.ā
He was towering over you āMaybe itās because I have to pretend I donāt want to throw you out every single day.ā
You stepped closer, unable to stop yourself. āThen why donāt you? Why do you just glare and sulk and disappear into the bathroom like a coward?ā
His eyes flashed.
You knew you were crossing a line, you should not have brought this up but your stupid fucking mouth spit it out, and the frustration had been building for too long.
āOr was that not what you were doing today?ā you continued, voice dripping with mock sweetness. āWhen you came back with your cheeks all red and your dick finally soft? Did it feel good, getting off in the middle of practice because you were so fucking angry?ā
The second the words left your mouth the atmosphere changed completely.
Hyunjinās eyes widened in genuine shock. For a split second he looked almost vulnerable, exposed. Then pure rage took over.
He moved fast.
He directed you back against the kitchen counter, almost pushing you there as you walked backwards. His hand slammed down beside your hip on the counter, caging you in. His other hand came up, fingers gripping your jaw tightly.
āYou little fucking bitch,ā he hissed, voice low. His face was inches from yours, breathing hard. āYou really just said that to my face?ā
You could feel the heat radiating off his body. His chest was almost touching yours. His grip on your jaw tightened slightly as he tilted your face up, forcing you to look at him.
āYou watched me?ā His voice shook with fury and something darker. āYou saw me hard and instead of minding your own damn business, you use it to humiliate me?ā
His thumb pressed harder against your cheek. His eyes dropped to your mouth, lingering there too fucking long this time for it to be a delusion. You could feel how fast he was breathing, how tight his entire body was.
āSay it again,ā he growled, voice dropping even lower. āI fucking dare you.ā
The tension was so thick it felt like the room was shrinking. His hips were barely an inch from pressing into you. You could smell his skin, feel the barely contained violence and lust rolling off him in waves.
Your heart slammed violently against your ribs.
You were so turned on it was humiliating, your nipples tight under your thin shirt, heat throbbing between your legs, breath coming out shaky. But underneath that heat was pure panic.
This was Hyunjin.
The same man who had spent months making your life hell. You didnāt actually know him. Not really. Youād seen his anger, his cold silences, his sharp tongue, but never this version. Never him shaking with rage while pinning you against the counter, eyes almost black. He was so much bigger and stronger than you and suddenly it was all you could think about.
What if he actually hurts you?
Youād pushed him too far. You were alone with him while no one else was awake and youād just thrown the most humiliating thing possible in his face.
āIāā Your voice cracked. Your face burned hot with shame and fear, eyes starting to sting. āIām sorry⦠I shouldnāt have said that.ā
Tears welled up before you could stop them, making your vision glassy. You looked small and terrified under his grip, cheeks flushed deep red, lips trembling.
āIām really sorry Hyunjin,ā you whispered, voice shaking. āThat was fucked up. I was angry and Iā Iām sorry.ā
But the second he saw the tears something in him shattered. His eyes widened, the fury draining from his face in an instant. His grip on your jaw loosened completely, hand dropping like heād been burned.
āFuckā¦ā he breathed, stepping back so fast he almost stumbled. āFuck, sorry.ā
He looked horrified at himself, running a hand through his hair roughly, eyes darting away from your teary face.
āI didnāt mean toā shit.ā His voice was hoarse, laced with guilt. āI shouldnāt have grabbed you like that. I just⦠fuck.ā
He couldnāt even finish the sentence. The sight of you looking scared and tearing up because of him seemed to completely break whatever anger he had left.
Without another word he turned and practically fled down the hallway toward his room. You heard the door shut firmly behind him, leaving the dorm in heavy silence.
You stood there frozen, back still against the counter, heart racing wildly. Your jaw tingled where his fingers had been. Your thighs were embarrassingly slick. Tears slipped down your cheeks, but you didnāt know if they were from fear, shame, or the overwhelming frustration still burning in your body.
You felt disgusting.
Youāre such an idiot, you thought, wiping your face with shaking hands. You pushed him until he snapped and then cried like a child. And the most unsettling part wasnāt even his anger⦠it was how scared he looked the second he realized what he was doing. The flash of genuine fear in his eyes when he saw you tearing up and realized he was scaring you.
What the fuck were you two even doing?
-
The next day was a rare off day with no schedules. All nine of you were gathered in the living room, sprawled across the couches and floor discussing the upcoming award show performance, your first stage together as nine.
āItās Mnet Asian Music Awards,ā Chan said, leaning forward with his notebook open. āWeāre closing the show with the new title track. This is huge. The first time the world sees us as nine.ā
Felix nodded excitedly. āThe formations are solid now. We just need to sell the energy. Especially the bridge part where we all come together.ā
You sat on the floor with your knees pulled to your chest, nodding along, but your stomach was in knots. This performance felt like massive pressure. One mistake and people would say you were a weak link and apparently a mistake. That you didnāt deserve to be there. The corset theyād fitted you for the stage outfit was already haunting you, tight, restrictive, suffocating.
You kept fidgeting with the hem of your hoodie, barely speaking.
Hyunjin sat on the opposite couch, unusually quiet. He wasnāt glaring. There was no coldness in his expression today. Instead he looked exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, hair messy like heād run his hands through it all night. He kept staring at you. Not angry stares. Just heavy, unreadable ones. Every time you glanced up, his eyes were already on you.
You looked away quickly each time.
Jeongin asked a question about the ending pose, and the conversation flowed for a while, talking about camera angles, how to make the new formations look even more natural, and how to handle the live vocals during the bridge.
After about thirty minutes the guys started to scatter. Changbin and Minho headed out to grab food with Seungmin and Felix. Chan went to his room to work on music. Jisung and Jeongin disappeared to play games.
Suddenly, it was just you and Hyunjin left in the living room. Again.
The silence was torturous. Itās like you both wanted to say something but just didnāt.
Hyunjin sat forward, elbows on his knees, staring at the floor for a long moment before he finally spoke, voice low and rough.
āI⦠need to say this properly.ā
You looked up at him, surprised.
He didnāt meet your eyes at first. āLast night. What I did⦠grabbing you like that, cornering you⦠that was completely fucked up. I lost control and I scared you. I saw your face, the way you looked at me like I might actually hurt you.ā His voice cracked slightly. āIāve never hated myself more than when I saw you like that. Iām so sorry. You didnāt deserve that. No matter how angry I was, no matter how much I⦠feel about you being here, that was wrong. I crossed a line.ā
He was spiraling, words coming faster now, full of self disgust. And you were looking at him in complete shock.
āIāve been treating you like shit for months and then I put my hands on you. I donāt know what the fuck is wrong with me. I couldnāt even sleep last night because I kept seeing your face. I really am disgusted with myself. Iāā
āHyunjin, stop,ā you cut in gently, your own voice soft. āPlease.ā
He finally looked at you, eyes tired and conflicted.
You took a shaky breath. āIām sorry too. What I said about⦠what happened yesterday, that was way out of line. I had no right to look at you like that, and I definitely had no right to throw it in your face just to hurt you. It was childish and mean and completely inappropriate. Iām really sorry.ā
A long, heavy silence stretched between you.
Hyunjin nodded slowly, rubbing his face with both hands.
āā¦Okay,ā he said quietly. āWhat I did was beyond fucked, but weāre both sorry. Thatās something.ā
You felt a small, stupid flicker of hope. Maybe things could finally start getting better. Maybe you could at least be civil.
But then he continued, voice low and tired.
āLetās just⦠ignore each other completely from now on. No fighting. No talking. We stay out of each otherās way as much as possible. Thatās the only way this group thing is going to work.ā
Your chest tightened with disappointment.
You had thought, after the apologies, after seeing that vulnerable side of him, that maybe things would shift toward something friendlier. But he was suggesting going back to zero. Worse than zero. Complete erasure.
You forced a small, tight smile and nodded.
āYeah⦠sure. Whatever you think is best.ā
Hyunjin stood up without another word, gave you one last unreadable look, and walked toward his room.
You stayed on the floor, staring at the empty space where heād been sitting, feeling strangely hollow.
-
The van was buzzing with nervous energy as it pulled up to the massive venue. This was it, your first performance as the ninth member of Stray Kids. The pressure felt like a vice around your throat.
You were shaking.
āI feel like Iām going to throw up,ā you whispered, voice barely audible over the chatter in the van taking you to the venue.
Chan immediately turned around from the front seat. āHey, hey, breathe. Youāve got this. We all do.ā
Felix reached over and squeezed your hand. āYouāve been killing it in practice. Weāre gonna shine together, yeah?ā
Minho gave you a small, reassuring smile. āYouāre one of us now. Just perform like you always do.ā
Hyunjin sat diagonally across from you, silent. He hadnāt said a single word to you since that night. He kept his promise, complete ignorance. But he couldnāt stop staring. His eyes were heavy with worry, jaw tight, fingers tapping restlessly on his thigh. He once again looked like he hadnāt slept in days.
Just before the van door opened as everyone started gathering their things, Hyunjin spoke for the first time. His voice was low but steady.
āHey guys, letās just do what we do best, weāll fucking kill it!ā
Everyone nodded, but his eyes were locked only on you.
-
Inside the venue, chaos reigned.
Makeup artists and stylists swarmed the dressing room. Hairdryers buzzed, clothes hangers clattered, stylists shouted instructions. The energy just too overwhelming. Your stage outfit was breathtaking but brutal, a sharp, fitted concept with a very tight black corset that cinched your waist dramatically, pushing your chest up and restricting every breath.
You kept tugging at the corset as you had your makeup done, feeling more and more claustrophobic as the minutes ticked by. Your chest felt too tight. The room was too loud and your mind kept screaming that you were going to mess up, that youād embarrass the entire group.
Suddenly you shot up from your chair.
āIā I need air,ā you choked out, then bolted from the room before anyone could stop you.
The members looked shocked. Chan stood up, but Minho gently held him back. āGive her a minute. Sheās overwhelmed. Let her breathe.ā
Hyunjin stayed quiet, but his leg wouldnāt stop bouncing, and after two torturous minutes of watching the door something in his chest twisted painfully.
This feels wrong.
He stood up without a word and slipped out. He wandered the backstage hallways, heart pounding. Looking round like crazy, opening doors, getting in rooms he was probably not allowed to. And then he saw it, a slim storage door slightly ajar, with a piece of familiar black fabric sticking out from underneath.
He pushed the door open.
It was a tiny, cramped room filled with spare costumes and shelves of makeup, and you were crouched in the corner, gasping desperately, tears streaming down your face. The corset was visibly crushing you.
Your panic attack was in full force.
You were hyperventilating, short, shallow gasps that werenāt bringing in enough oxygen. Your hands clawed at the front of the corset, nails digging into the stiff fabric. Your vision was tunneling. A crushing weight sat on your chest like someone was standing on it. You felt like you were dying, like the world was closing in and you were trapped inside your own body.
āI c-canātā breatheā I canātā fuckāā you sobbed, voice breaking.
Hyunjinās face went pale looking down at you.
āHeyā hey, look at me,ā he said urgently, dropping to his knees in front of you. His hands hovered, unsure. āYouāre having a panic attack. Itās okay, youāre safe. Iām right here.ā
You kept tugging frantically at the corset, eyes wide with terror. āItās too tightā I canātā get it offāā
Hyunjin didnāt hesitate.
āFuck itā he muttered. He grabbed the front of the corset and ripped hard. The hooks and laces gave way with a sharp tearing sound. The restrictive fabric split open, freeing your chest.
You werenāt wearing anything underneath.
Your breasts spilled out, nipples hardening instantly in the cool air. You gasped in relief as fresh oxygen flooded your lungs, but you were still shaking violently, still crying.
Hyunjin immediately turned his head away, cheeks burning. āShitā Iām sorry, I didnātā fuck. I didnāt know you were naked underneath that. Itās kind of dark here I didnāt see anythingā
You grabbed his wrist after a minute of him just being turned around, facing the door and not you, your breathing still ragged but much clearer now as you were coming down.
āThank youā¦ā you whispered.
He looked back at you carefully, eyes dark with concern. āIs there anything else I can do? Tell me what you need.ā
The panic was slowly ebbing, replaced by something raw and desperate.
You looked up at him, eyes glassy, lips trembling. The months of tension, the hatred, the want, the frustration, everything exploded.
āI need this stress out of me,ā you breathed, voice shaking. āRight now. I need you to fuck it out of me.ā
The air in the tiny room turned molten.
Hyunjin stared at you in shock, lips parted. You didnāt wait. Your hand slid between your legs pushing your safe shorts under your skirt and panties aside, and you teased yourself looking straight in his eyes, at his lips, and back at his eyes again. You were already so wet. His mare existence had you wet in seconds. You sank two fingers into your pussy with a broken moan.
āFuck⦠look what you do to me,ā you whimpered, pumping your fingers faster, eyes locked on his. āIām so fucking wet. Iāve been soaked for days because of you, you asshole.ā
Hyunjinās breath hitched. His cock hardened rapidly in his stage pants, and he looked completely dazed watching you fuck yourself right in front of him.
You reached out with your free hand and yanked him closer by his shirt. āTake your cock out. Let me use you.ā
He obeyed instantly, shoving his pants down as his cock sprang free, long, thick, flushed dark and leaking at the tip.
You pushed him down onto the floor, straddled him, and sank down in one desperate motion.
āOh my godā fuckāā you moaned loudly as he stretched you open. āYour cock is so fucking big⦠shitā itās splitting me open.ā
You slowed your hips for a moment, still fully seated on his cock, panting as you looked down at him. Your hands braced on his chest.
āTell me something,ā you breathed, voice husky. āThat day in practice⦠when you got so hard you had to go jerk off in the bathroom⦠was it because you were angry at me?ā
Hyunjin looked like he couldnāt speak. He was sweating so much and he was so flushed, mouth open, chest going up and down so fast as he was breathing way too hard. His hands gripped your waist tighter, fingers digging into your skin as his cock twitched deep inside you.
āNo,ā he admitted, voice rough and low. āI looked up during the dance and you bent over right in front of me⦠ass up, back arched in those tight shorts. I got so fucking hard I couldnāt think straight, it hurt. I hated it. I hated you for making me react like that.ā
His confession sent a fresh wave of heat through you. You clenched around him involuntarily.
āSo it wasnāt hateā¦ā you whispered, starting to move again, rolling your hips slowly, teasingly.
Hyunjin groaned, head falling back for a second before his eyes locked on yours again, burning.
āIt was hate and want,ā he growled. āBoth. I wanted to fuck the frustration out of both of us.ā
You started riding him hard and fast, using him like a toy, hips slamming down aggressively. Your tits bounced wildly with every brutal movement. You grabbed his hands and slapped them onto your breasts, making him squeeze them as you rode him.
āHarder,ā you gasped. āSqueeze my tits while I fuck youā yes, like thatā fuck, Hyunjināā
He was a moaning, whimpering mess underneath you, hips jerking up instinctively.
āFuckā youāre so tightā so fucking wetāā
You rode him even faster, grinding your clit against him with every thrust, moaning shamelessly. The wet sounds of your pussy taking his cock filled the small room.
After a few minutes of this position your thighs started to burn and you climbed off, turned around and bent over, bracing your hands on one of the low shelves.
āGet up. Fuck me from behind like you hate me. Hard.ā
Hyunjin was on his feet in a second. He grabbed your hips and slammed into you in one brutal thrust, burying himself in your pussy.
āFuckā yesāā you cried out.
He fucked you like he was possessed, deep, fast, punishing strokes that made your eyes roll back. All the months of frustration poured out of him with every snap of his hips.
āYou feel so fucking good,ā he groaned, voice wrecked. āSo tightā shitāā
He reached around and rubbed your clit roughly. Your moans got louder, more desperate.
āIām gonnaā fuckā Iām gonna cumā Hyunjin!ā
āLet go,ā he panted, voice breaking into a whimper. āCum on my cockā pleaseāā
The orgasm hit you like a freight train. Your whole body seized up as intense pleasure ripped through you and you squirted so hard for the first time in your life, clear fluid gushing down your thighs and onto the floor with every brutal thrust.
āIā what the fuck ā oh my godāā you sobbed in shock, legs shaking violently.
Hyunjinās eyes widened and immediately rolled back, but he didnāt stop. āItās okay, itās normalā fuck, thatās so hot, just let it happen baby let go, keep squirting on meā
The sight and feeling of you squirting around him pushed him over the edge. He pulled out with a broken moan and came hard, thick ropes of cum painting the floor beneath you as he stroked himself through it, whimpering your name.
Both of you collapsed against the shelves, panting, sweating, trembling.
The tiny room smelled like sex and panic.
For a long moment the only sound was your heavy breathing. Then reality started crashing down.
Hyunjin sat back against the wall, eyes wide. āā¦Fuck. What the hell did we just do?ā
You slid down to the floor beside him, legs trembling, cum and your own wetness dripping down your thighs. You stared at the mess on the floor, then at him.
āI⦠I donāt know,ā you whispered, voice hoarse. āI justā I needed it so bad.ā
Hyunjin ran a hand through his messy hair, looking completely dazed. āAre you okay?ā he asked, voice softer than youād ever heard it.
You nodded shakily. āYeah⦠I think so. Are you?ā
He let out a weak, disbelieving laugh. āI donāt even know.ā
A heavy silence settled between you.
āIām sorry,ā you said quietly, pulling your ruined shorts back up. āI shouldnāt have jumped on you like that. I was panicking and I justāā
āDonāt,ā Hyunjin cut you off, shaking his head. āDonāt apologize. I wanted it. I was just⦠caught off guard. I didnāt expect any of this.ā He looked at you, eyes conflicted. āBut I didnāt want you to stop.ā
You opened your mouth to speak again, but he stood up and gently grabbed your wrist.
āHey,ā he said, voice low but urgent. āWe have to go back right now. Theyāre probably looking for us and going crazy. Weāll talk about this later. Okay?ā
You nodded quickly.
Your stage outfits were completely ruined, wrinkled, the corset was torn apart, stained with sweat and other fluids. Hyunjin grabbed two backup outfits from the clothing rack in the corner, a slightly different version of the male stage fit for him and a looser, alternative top and skirt set for you.
You both changed as fast as possible.
When you stepped back into the main dressing room, the stylists immediately panicked.
āWhat happened?!ā one of them gasped.
āWe spilled coffee all over ourselves,ā Hyunjin lied confidently, voice calm. āSorry. We were rushing and I just pushed a tray and it got all over our outfits, it was just too messy. We had to change.ā
The stylists grumbled but quickly got to work, helping you both into the backup outfits and doing emergency touch ups on your makeup and hair.
When they brought out the original tight corset again for you, you visibly tensed up, staring at it with lingering fear, and your breathing started to pick up again.
āSheās not wearing that,ā Hyunjin said firmly as he noticed your reaction, stepping forward.
The head stylist blinked. āBut this is the conceptāā
āI donāt care,ā Hyunjin interrupted, voice steady and authoritative. āShe obviously feels uncomfortable in it. Itās too tight and she canāt breathe properly. Give her the other top. The loose one. She has to be able to dance, more important that the stupid conceptā
The stylists tried to push back. āBut the choreographer wanted the visualāā
Hyunjin stood his ground, eyes sharp. āI said no. Weāre not risking her health on stage. Give her something else. Now.ā
You stood there in shock at him defending you like this. His tone left no room for argument, and eventually the stylists sighed and brought you the looser black top instead. You shot Hyunjin a grateful look, and he gave you a small, almost shy nod in return.
-
All nine of you stood in a tight circle backstage, hands stacked together, hearts pounding.
Chan spoke first, voice full of fire āThis is our moment. Letās show them what nine can do. Stray Kids!ā
āStray Kids!ā everyone shouted.
As you pulled your hands back, Hyunjinās hand lingered on your shoulder, and he gave it a gentle, reassuring squeeze, his fingers warm and steady against your skin. You looked up at him. For a second something soft and complicated passed between you.
Then the lights hit.
You stepped onto the stage and performed like your life depended on it.
The crowd went feral.
Every move was sharp. Every look was on point. The chemistry between all nine of you crackled. Even with the last minute outfit change, the performance was powerful, maybe even better because you could finally breathe.
And you killed it.
-
The ride back to the dorm was loud and celebratory. Everyone was buzzing from the successful performance, passing around drinks and replaying the best moments. You smiled and laughed along, but your eyes kept finding Hyunjinās across the van. He was quieter than the rest, staring at you with an intensity that made your stomach flip.
When you all finally got home and started heading to your rooms, exhausted but so full of light and happiness, Hyunjin paused in the hallway. His gaze locked on yours for a long second, and you gave him a small, almost nervous nod.
An hour and a half later, a faint knock on your door.
You opened it quickly. Hyunjin slipped inside in one smooth motion, closing the door silently behind him and locking it. He was wearing a black hoodie and sweatpants, hair slightly messy. He looked so unbelievably beautiful.. as he always did.
The second the door clicked shut, all your bravery from earlier disappeared. You couldnāt even look at him. You stared at the floor, cheeks burning.
Hyunjin stepped closer, voice low and teasing.
āHey⦠look at me.ā
You shook your head, biting your lip. He let out a soft, amused chuckle and gently tilted your chin up with two fingers.
āYouāre all shy on me now?ā he murmured, eyes dark. āAfter you rode me like you were trying to break my dick earlier? Thatās cute.ā
You finally met his eyes, heart racing. āDonāt say that out loud like that..ā
Hyunjinās smirk deepened, clearly enjoying how flustered you were. He stepped closer, backing you up until your thighs hit the edge of the bed.
āWhy not?ā he asked, voice low and teasing. āYou werenāt shy when you were moaning about how big I felt.ā
Your face burned. You covered it with both hands, letting out a embarrassed whine.
āHyunjin, stopāā
He chuckled softly, pulling your hands away from your face. He leaned in until his lips brushed against your ear.
āI made you feel so good didnāt I? I fucked you just the way you wanted. I did everything you told me to like a fucking dog. And iād do it again if you asked me.ā
You shivered hard, thighs pressing together instinctively. The contrast between his filthy words and the soft, teasing tone of his voice was making you dizzy.
āI hate you,ā you mumbled.
Hyunjin hummed, clearly amused. He tilted your chin up again so you had no choice but to look at him.
āNo you donāt,ā he whispered, lips hovering dangerously close to yours, but not touching.
You both sat on your bed, close but not touching.
For a while, neither of you spoke. Then Hyunjin broke the silence.
āWhat are we doing?ā he asked quietly. āThis, this is dangarous, whatever this is.ā
You nodded, throat tight.
āI know,ā you whispered.
Hyunjin exhaled shakily, running a hand through his hair.
āI fought it so hard,ā he admitted, voice raw. āI was so angry at you for coming in and changing everything. Every time we danced together, every time I touched you during practice⦠I wanted you so badly it made me sick. I hated how much I wanted you. Thatās why I wanted you fucking gone yn, because I canāt be attracted to you, this is way too complicated..ā
You felt your eyes starting to sting.
āIām scared,ā you confessed, voice cracking. āWe shouldnāt be doing this, but itās terrifying how much I want you. Even with how cruel you were to me, I just ā I couldnāt stop thinking about you.ā
āYn.. what the fuck are we doing to do? Do we even tell the guys? I think theyād freak out so bad.ā
āNo, definitely donāt tell them..ā
āRight..ā
āCan we just keep this between us for now? We donāt even fully know what this is, right?ā
āRight, yes. Letās just keep it to ourselves. If anyone finds out weāre like beyond fucked, and I canāt pretend this didnāt happen either, so weāre kind of trapped here.ā
āYesā you replied, spacing out.
Tears slipped down your cheeks. The weight of the situation, the fear, the guilt, the overwhelming attraction, finally hit you all at once.
Hyunjinās expression softened. He leaned in slowly and pressed his lips to yours for the first time.
The kiss was gentle at first, then deeper. His lips were even softer than you imagined, full, pillow like, warm. You melted into it, letting out a tiny whimper against his mouth.
When he pulled back slightly, you breathed out without thinking.
āI always wondered what your lips would feel likeā¦ā
āYou did?ā he asked, voice husky.
āYeahā¦ā you whispered, still shy. āTheyāre so big⦠so soft looking. I used to stare at them when you were yelling at me. It made me hate myself even more.ā
He let out a low groan and kissed you again, harder this time. His hand slid to the back of your neck as he tilted his head, deepening the kiss until you were both breathless.
āI hate myself for yelling at you, I wish I could just take it all back.ā
āItās okay. Itās behind us. Just kiss me now.ā
And he did, he kissed you so deeply, so deliciously. And then he pulled back just enough to smirk against your lips.
āWant round two?ā he asked, voice dripping with lust.
You nodded desperately.
Hyunjin gently pushed you back onto the bed. He peeled your shorts and panties down your legs slowly, eyes locked on your already glistening pussy. Now able to see it.
āFuck⦠look at you,ā he whispered, spreading your thighs wide. āAlready dripping for me again. So pretty. pretty girl, pretty cunt.ā
He settled between your legs, hooked his arms around your thighs, and leaned in.
The first slow lick from your entrance up to your clit made your back arch. Hyunjin moaned at your taste, the sound vibrating against your core.
āOh my godāā you whimpered.
He didnāt tease for long. He dove in like a starved man, licking, sucking, and fucking you with his tongue in messy, hungry strokes. His perfect pillow lips wrapped around your clit, sucking gently while his tongue flicked rapidly over the sensitive bundle of nerves.
You slapped a hand over your mouth to muffle your moans.
āHyunjinā fuckā ā you gasped, trying to grab his head by his hair.
He ate you out like he was making up for every cruel word heād ever said to you. Wet, obscene sounds filled the room as he licked broad stripes through your folds, then focused on your clit again, sucking harder. Two long fingers slid inside you, curling perfectly against your g spot while his mouth worked you relentlessly.
āYou taste so fucking good,ā he groaned against your pussy, voice muffled. āI could eat this pretty cunt for hours.ā
A loud moan escaped your mouth and he immediately brought his hand up to close it for you.
āKeep it down honey.ā
The pet name hit your ears like an explosion, and your hips started grinding against his face. He let you, pressing his tongue flat so you could ride his mouth. His nose bumped against your clit with every roll of your hips, driving you closer and closer to the edge.
āHyunā Iām gonna cumā please donāt stopā your lipsā fuckāā
He sucked your clit hard, moaning as low as he could into you, and that was it.
You came with a broken cry, thighs clamping around his head as intense waves of pleasure crashed through you. Hyunjin kept licking you through it, gentler now, savoring every twitch and tremble until you were a shaking, oversensitive mess.
He finally pulled back, lips shiny and swollen, looking extremely satisfied with himself.
Hyunjin finally pulled back from between your thighs, his lips and chin glistening with your cum. His eyes dark, pupils blown wide as he looked up at you like he wanted to devour you whole.
You were still panting, legs trembling, when he climbed up your body and crashed his mouth against yours.
The kiss was messy and filthy. You could taste yourself on his tongue, sweet, tangy, slick. He groaned deeply into your mouth, pushing his tongue against yours so you could taste even more of what heād just eaten, and the lewdness of it made you whimper pathetically.
āFuck⦠you taste so good, donāt you?ā he murmured against your lips, licking into your mouth again.
You kissed him harder, sucking on his tongue, addicted to the filthy intimacy of tasting yourself on him.
His cock was painfully hard. He was a mess, flushed cheeks, messy hair and visibly desperate. But he didnāt say anything. He didnāt ask for more. He just stared at you like he was trying to control himself.
You sat up slowly, still breathing heavily and put your hand on his cock, stroking through his sweatpants, felling how wet they are from how much heās leaking. Something possessive and hungry stirred inside you.
āTake your hoodie off,ā you said softly. āThese sweatpants too.ā
He obeyed, pulling them off and tossing them aside. His toned chest and abs were glistening with a light layer of sweat, and you reached down, grabbed the hem of your own top, and pulled it off in one smooth motion. Your big, heavy breasts spilled out, soft and full, nipples hard.
Hyunjinās eyes widened, mouth falling open slightly. He couldnāt see nearly anything in that tiny room, he could only feel you, so his surprised face right now was so fucking hot.
āI want to make you cum too,ā you whispered, voice sweet but filthy. āCome here, baby.ā
You shifted back against the headboard, fluffing a pillow behind your back so you were half sitting up. Then you cupped your breasts from the sides and pushed them together invitingly, creating a soft, deep valley between them.
āHave you ever fucked tits before?ā you asked.
Hyunjin shook his head slowly, looking stunned and ridiculously turned on. āNo⦠never.ā
You smiled, voice low and coaxing.
āItās gonna feel really fucking good, I promise.ā
You reached out and wrapped your hand around his throbbing cock, giving it a few slow strokes. He hissed, hips jerking forward.
āStraddle me,ā you instructed. āPut your knees on either side of my ribs⦠yeah, like that. Good boy.ā
His cock switched with the pet name you used, so turned on that you were so comfortable with taking the lead, and he carefully moved into position, hovering over your chest. His heavy cock rested between your breasts, the heat of it making you moan softly.
āSpit on it,ā you told him.
He did, letting a thick string of spit fall onto his cock and your cleavage. You spread it around with your hand, making everything messy and slick.
āNow push them together around your cock,ā you guided, your own hands pressing your soft tits tightly around his length. āLike this.ā
The moment your warm, plush breasts enveloped his cock, Hyunjin let out a broken moan, eyes rolling as his head fell back.
āFuuuuckā oh my godā¦ā
āStart moving,ā you whispered. āFuck my tits, Hyunjin. Nice and slow at first.ā
He rolled his hips forward experimentally. His thick cock slid smoothly between your soft flesh, the head poking out from the top of your cleavage with every thrust. The sight was obscene, and he was holding himself back from moaning loud as fuck right now.
āHarder,ā you encouraged, looking up at him. āYou can be rougher. Squeeze my tits tighter around you if you want.ā
Hyunjin groaned deeply and replaced your hands with his own, gripping your soft breasts firmly and pressing them together even tighter around his cock. He started thrusting faster, hips snapping as he fucked your tits with wet, filthy sounds.
āShitā it feels so good,ā he panted, voice wrecked. āYour tits are so fucking soft⦠so warm⦠fuckāā
You stuck your tongue out, licking the tip of his cock every time it thrust up toward your face. The combination of your tongue and the tight pressure of your breasts made his thighs shake.
āYou like that?ā you asked teasingly, licking the leaking head again. āYou like fucking my big tits?ā
āYesā fuck yesāā he moaned, losing control. His thrusts grew faster, more desperate. āIām gonna cum so fast like thisā¦āā
You kept your eyes on him, watching his face twist in pleasure while you continued licking and sucking on the head of his cock whenever it appeared.
āCum for me baby,ā you purred. āCover my tits. I want to feel you explode all over them.ā
Hyunjinās hips stuttered. With a loud, broken whimper, and he came so hard.
Thick, hot ropes of cum shot across your chest, painting your breasts, collarbones, and neck. Some even landed on your lips and chin. He kept thrusting weakly between your cum covered tits, riding out his orgasm with shaky moans.
And when he finally stopped he was breathing like heād just run a marathon, staring down at the mess he made on your chest with pure lust and disbelief.
He then collapsed beside you on the bed, chest heaving. Without thinking, you reached up and gently brushed his damp hair away from his forehead, and he leaned into your touch, eyes half closed, and let out a contented sigh.
You kept playing with his hair, running your fingers through the soft strands, and he smiled and pulled you closer, wrapping his arms around you. His bare chest was warm against your skin.
āIām really sorry,ā he whispered after a while, voice soft and sincere. āFor how I treated you all these months. I was so awful to you. You didnāt deserve any of it.ā
You nuzzled closer into his neck, breathing him in.
āI forgive you.ā
He kissed your forehead, then your nose, then your lips, slow, gentle, sweet kisses that felt completely different from the raw hunger earlier. You melted into him, kissing him back with the same softness.
You eventually pulled away just long enough to grab his hoodie from the floor and slip it on. It was big on you, warm, and smelled like him. Hyunjin smiled lazily at the sight, pulling you back into his arms.
āYou look good in my clothesā he mumbled, voice sleepy as he stroked your back under the hoodie.
You both kept talking quietly, soft little confessions, shy compliments, gentle kisses. His fingers played with your hair while yours traced patterns on his chest. The tension that had lived between you for months slowly dissolved into something warm and comforting.
Neither of you realized when you drifted off.
-
Your alarm blared at 6:45 am.
You jolted awake at the same time as him. For a second, you both stared at each other in sleepy confusion. Then reality hit like a truck.
āShit!ā you whisper yelled.
āFuck!ā Hyunjin hissed at the same time, eyes wide with panic.
He was still topless in just his boxers in your bed and you were wearing nothing but his hoodie. The sun was already starting to come up and the dorm would be waking up any minute.
Hyunjin jumped out of bed and frantically searched for his pants, hair sticking up in every direction.
āHow the hell am I supposed to get out without them seeing me?ā he whispered, pulling on his sweatpants quickly. āThey are right across the hall. If they notice I didnāt sleep in my bedāā
You sat up, biting your lip. āMaybe wait until someone goes to the bathroom and make a run for it?ā
Just then you heard movement in the hallway, someone walking toward the kitchen. Hyunjin froze like a deer in headlights. You quickly fixed your hair and peeked out the door. Felix was heading to the kitchen, still half asleep.
āNow!ā you whispered.
Hyunjin slipped out of your room, moving silently down the hallway. But right as he reached his own door Changbinās voice rang out from the living room:
āYah, Hyunjin! Where were you? I woke up at like 4 AM to get water and your bed was empty.ā
Hyunjin froze mid step.
You watched from the crack in your door, trying not to laugh but also feeling anxious about the situation. It hasnāt even been 24 hours and youāve already fucked up being careful about this.
Hyunjin turned around with surprising confidence and shrugged. āI couldnāt sleep so I went to the practice room downstairs for a bit. Cleared my head after the performance.ā
Changbin narrowed his eyes suspiciously but eventually shrugged. āWeirdo. Were you out meeting a girl or something? I donāt even cafe dude just, next time at least leave a note or something.ā
Hyunjin nodded quickly and slipped into his room before Changbin could ask more questions. The second his door closed, you let out a quiet laugh and shut your own door, heart still racing.
A few seconds later your phone buzzed with a text from Hyunjin.
Hyunjin: I almost had a heart attack. Worth it though⦠see you at breakfast, hoodie thief
You smiled down at your phone, cheeks warm, already wondering when you could steal him away again.
-
Over the next few weeks things between you and Hyunjin changed.
On the surface, nothing looked different. During practice you were still mostly professional. He still kept his distance when the other guys were around. But now there were secret glances, hidden smiles, and late night texts that filled your stomach with butterflies, the beautiful kind, making up for lost time.
Some nights heād sneak into your room. Sometimes when youād go weeks without meeting at night it or when one of you was stressed and frustrated with work it was desperate and fast like that first time in that tiny room of the venue. Other times it was slow, sweet, and full of whispered sweet nothings and soft kisses.
The group slowly noticed that the hostility between you two had disappeared. Chan was relieved. Felix teased you both constantly. No one suspected the truth of course, they just thought you were finally civil and co existing.
One night, months later, Hyunjin was lying in your bed with you tucked against his chest, his fingers gently playing with your hair.
āYou know,ā he murmured, voice low, āI still think youāre annoying for joining the group.ā
You laughed and lightly smacked his chest. āAnd youāre still an asshole.ā
He grinned, then kissed the top of your head.
āBut Iām really glad youāre here,ā he added softly. āI donāt want to do this without you anymore.ā
You looked up at him, heart full and kissed him slowly.
āMe neither.ā
I red blue & grey and the way you wrote the deaf community to beautifully and gave them representation I respect that so much!!! I was taught sign language when I was young (because they werenāt sure if I was going to have the ability to speak) but I sadly lost it and never continued but Iām hoping to re learn it, Iām talking about myself again ugh blue & grey would be a fic I would go back into reading! Also because I feel like hyunjin would be that type to do everything for someone to feel comfortable š
Thank you so much for your kind words āŗļø
Sign language is so beautiful and I also know a few things for very very basic communication. I hope to properly learn how to communicate fully one day!. And yes, I also believe hyunjin is as kind and caring for the other person to be comfortable thatās why itās so easy to write him this way haha
whatās your favourite work of yours???
Definitely the newer ones š I actually donāt really like my old ones from like 3 years ago (except Dahlia, i still really love that one) and considered deleting them but people seem to like them so iāll just leave them alone lol, theyāre part of my progress i guess haha.
I would definitely say my favourite is pictures of ghosts and it took me almost a year to finish, maybe a little longer, actually. I wasnāt really going to post it, I was writing that one for myself but later changed my mind. So definitely that one!
Hi sylvia! I just wanted to say your writing is incredible and iāve been having the best week reading all of your fics. I am obsessed with the way you write and the stories you come up with.
Hi!!! thank you so much for your nice words iām glad youāre having fun reading āŗļø
hi. i donāt usually interact with people here but i read your fic blue & grey because it came up on the tag i was looking and i couldnāt believe my eyes that itās with a deaf reader ?????
i have been hard of hearing since i was a kid, so reading this i related immediately to the mc/reader so much and you wrote it with such beautiful words and so respectful to the experience of deaf people. i loved every single detail. and the studio scene made me so crazy emotional i actually treared up and then when they were making love when she put her hand on his throat so his sounds vibrate on her palm oh my godā¦ā¦ā¦.. it was so romantic and so beautiful.
uh iām sorry for writing this anonymously it feels weird, but uh anyway thank you for writing that, as a deaf person who reads fan fiction this was my first time reading a hyunjin fic (my bias) with a deaf reader. i will cherish this fic honestly, and will definitely will be coming back to it when i want to feel something.
THIS GOT TOO LONG. SORRY. BYE NOW
- megan
Hi megan š„¹
Oh my goddd thank you so much for taking the time to write this, truly. Iām really glad you did, anonymous or not. Reading your message honestly means more to me than I can properly put into words and I definitely didnāt expect to read something like this even though i know i wished this would reach at least one person who can truly relate to it. I canāt believe I have a massage like this so early and it only goes to show that inclusivity is so so so important.
I used to be really close friends with someone who was also hard of hearing and we still love each other very much. She told me a few years ago she wished she could see herself in fanfiction and that just really stuck with me all those years and i realized how many people feel like her. So I really wanted to do this and iāve been writing this one for quite some time.
While i was writing blue & grey I wanted more than anything for yn to feel like a real person first, not a trope or a plot device, so knowing that someone who is actually hard of hearing connected with it is incredibly moving to me. Iām so happy that the scenes of feeling sound through touch resonated with you. A lot of the stuff I wrote is actually stuff my friend had told me, how she experiences things around her and how she feels.
Thank you for trusting me with this message and for sharing a part of yourself with me. You didnāt have to, but Iām really, really grateful you did ā¤ļø
blue & grey
synopsis: A deaf artist and a famous idol form an unexpected bond built on silence, touch, and learning each otherās language beyond words.
word count: 12k
pairing: idol hyunjin x deaf artist reader
cw: angst, miscommunication, hurt/comfort, soft romance, eventual smut.
You like museums because they are honest about silence.
People whisper there, but even that feels optional. Sound exists, but it never demands you. No one expects conversation, no one expects responses. You can exist fully inside yourself without apologizing for it.
Thatās why you came today on your day off from the atelier.
This exhibition has been advertised everywhere in Seoul, contemporary reinterpretations of classical Korean landscapes. Posters plastered on subway walls, colors blooming against concrete, brushstrokes promising emotion.
Art speaks your language.
You arrive early, before the afternoon crowd gets too overwhelming. The museum smells faintly of polished floors and old paper. Sunlight filters through tall windows, washing everything in gold. Your footsteps echo softly, or at least you imagine they do. Youāve learned to construct sound from memory rather than experience.
As you step inside you immediately feel calm settle over you.
Paintings line the white walls of the museum like open windows into other worlds. Mountains dissolve into mist. Rivers stretch endlessly toward horizons painted with impossible patience. You move slowly, hands clasped behind your back, reading each plaque carefully.
You donāt rush art. You let it happen to you.
A group passes behind you, you feel the vibration of footsteps through the floor before you notice them in your peripheral vision. You shift aside politely, used to navigating spaces by motion rather than sound.
People talk. Mouths move. Laughter appears in shapes you recognize but cannot hear. You donāt mind anymore. You stopped minding many years ago.
Silence isnāt loneliness. It can become a home if you know how to welcome it.
You stop in front of a smaller painting, ink brush mountains rising sharply against a pale sky. The artist captured distance so perfectly you almost feel wind on your face. Your chest tightens the way it always does when something beautiful finds you unexpectedly.
You lean closer..and thatās when you notice him.
You notice him the way you notice art that doesnāt belong to the rest of the room. He stands several paintings away.
Tall.
Black hair falling softly across his forehead, slightly messy like he forgot to tame it before leaving home. Heās wearing a brownish long coat, neutral colors, nothing flashy, yet he looks impossibly out of place among ordinary visitors.
Beautiful is too small a word.
Your brain supplies it anyway.
Beautiful.
A properly beautiful man, and you get lost in your head about how youāre pretty sure, you have never seen anyone this good looking before. Is he from here? Is he a visitor?
He studies a painting with complete focus, head tilted slightly, lips parted as if heās thinking something profound. His hands rest loosely in his pockets, posture relaxed but elegant.
You stare longer than you should, and you know you are staring but you canāt take your eyes off of his face. You tell yourself to look away.
You donāt. You canāt.
Thereās something gentle about him, something quiet, and you catch yourself wonder what he sees in the painting, and then you wonder what his voice sounds like. You rarely think about voices, but his lips move slightly, almost forming words to himself, and suddenly curiosity blooms painfully inside your chest.
You look away quickly, embarrassed.
Focus on the art.
You move to the next piece.
Then the next.
But awareness of him follows you like warmth at your back. Each time you pretend not to look, you somehow find him again across the room, turning a corner, standing beneath another canvas. Maybe heās moving through the exhibition at the same pace as you. Maybe youāre both drawn to the same pieces. Or maybe youāre just being delusional about your destiny bullshit.
You stop in a room with a huge piece, and the painting dominates the room.
It stretches across nearly an entire wall, a sweeping landscape of storm clouds breaking over a coastline, waves crashing in thick, violent strokes of blue & gray. Light cuts through the storm in one brilliant opening, illuminating a lone figure standing at the edge of the sea.
You feel it immediately.
The ache.
You walk closer and closer, until the rest of the world disappears. You imagine the roar of the ocean, not as sound, but as motion. As pressure. As something vast and overwhelming that exists whether you hear it or not. The lone figure in the painting looks small against the storm, yet unafraid.
You exhale slowly, and you sit on the bench placed before the artwork.
You always sit for paintings like this. Standing feels disrespectful when something demands your full attention. You fold your hands in your lap and let your eyes trace every brushstroke. Minutes pass, or maybe longer. Time behaves differently when youāre absorbed in beauty.
Your thoughts drift.
You think about the waves, what sounds they might make, and your thoughts lead you to roads you donāt want to take right now, like how people describe music as emotional. Youāve never known music. Sometimes people pity you for that, but standing here, feeling emotion swell so strongly it almost hurts, you wonder if music could really feel more alive than this.
You donāt think so.
Youāre so lost in thought that you donāt notice him approach. Not until the bench shifts slightly beside you.
Your heart jumps and you glance sideways.
Itās him.
He is so much more unreal up close. His presence feels warm, and you study him from the corner of your eye as he looks at the painting in front of you.
Long fingers resting on his knees. Soft features sharpened by concentration. His eyes move across the canvas slowly, thoughtfully, and you watch yourself thinking that he looks like someone who feels deeply, just like you.
Then he turns slightly toward you, and his lips move.
You blink, not expecting any interaction at all with the beautiful stranger, as if you were invisible in this space and someone interacting with you was impossible.
You look around briefly, wondering if heās speaking to someone else, but no one stands nearby.
You look back at him.
His mouth moves again. Gentle expression.
You catch only fragments, shapes of syllables, but heās probably mumbling and being extra quiet given the space youāre in, so you canāt read his lips at all.
Your stomach drops.
Of course, of course heās talking, and of course heās talking to you.
Panic flutters in your chest with the familiar anxiety of misunderstandings. Of people thinking youāre ignoring them purposefully. One of those moment where the world just has to mind you that easy communication isnāt built for you.
You hesitate.
Maybe he wasnāt speaking to you after all.
You look back at the painting, pretending nothing happened, but then he leans slightly closer, clearly directing his attention at you this time.
His lips move again, slower. You recognize the expression now. Heās definitely talking to you.
Heat rises to your face, and you hate this part. The part where you must interrupt normalcy. The moment peopleās expressions change, surprise, awkwardness, apology. You turn toward him fully and he waits politely, eyes kind.
You look at him in the eyes, his beautiful intense but kind eyes, and you shake your head, pointing at your ear and your cochlear implant.
Then you mouth silently and carefully, hoping heāll understand.
Iām deaf.
His eyes widen slightly as he realises, and for a brief second you prepare yourself for the usual reaction, exaggerated apologies, embarrassment, people backing away because they donāt know what to do or how to respond back.
He nods slowly. Then he mouths something again, more carefully this time.
You catch nothing. Maybe because youāre so distracted by him, maybe because the beautiful stranger is literally sitting right next to you and is trying to talk to you.
He pauses.
Thinks.
Then, unexpectedly, he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out his phone.
You watch his every movement, surprised.
His fingers move quickly across the screen, and a moment later he turns his phone toward you.
āSorry. I said the painting feels lonely but peaceful. I wondered if you thought the same since youāre sitting here too.ā
You stare at the words. Then at him, and your chest does that thing again.
Most people would have simply smiled and stopped trying. They wouldn't try to have a conversation with you. But he was, he was trying. He was actively trying to communicate with you.
You take your own phone out, hands suddenly clumsy with awareness of him watching as you type.
āYes. Like standing in a storm but not wanting to leave.ā
You show him.
His eyes brighten instantly, he smiles and nods at you. Something about his reaction makes warmth spread through you.
He types again.
āExactly.ā
You both turn back toward the painting. Side by side. You can see a smile in his face, and you become acutely aware of everything.
The closeness of his shoulder. The subtle rise and fall of his breathing. The way he glances at the painting, then briefly at you, as if checking whether youāre experiencing the same emotion. Your heart beats faster.
Ridiculous.
You donāt even know his name. You donāt know anything about him. Heās just a beautiful stranger.
And then you catch him typing again, and directing his phone at you, again.
āDo you come to museums often?ā
You nod, then write.
āWhenever I want to think.ā
He smiles big at you and the smile changes his whole face, making it so soft and childlike, like heās genuinely so unbelievably happy. And you almost forget how to breathe.
He writes.
āFunny you say that, me too.ā
You want to ask more. So much more, but you hesitate. Conversations with strangers rarely last long. People move on. They always do. You donāt want to out yourself up for disappointment
Still, neither of you stands up to leave.
Minutes pass. Maybe more. You exist together in this shared silence, watching painted waves crash endlessly against a painted shore.
You glance at him again.. and heās already looking at you.
Your gaze collides with his but neither of you looks away immediately. Something shifts. Unspoken. Fragile. Dangerous. You both smile at each other and he looks back at the painting, and he looks shy, cheeks red. Youāre pretty sure you look like a radish yourself.
His phone lights up again in his hands. He hesitates before turning the screen toward you, but he does anyway.
āIām Hyunjin by the wayā
Hyunjin. You mouth it silently to yourself, testing how it looks. The name fits him somehow. Soft yet so elegant.
You quickly type your own name and turn your phone toward him.
He reads it carefully and smiles, the kind that reaches his eyes and lingers there, warm and bright, like heās committing your name to memory.
Your stomach flips again at how pretty he looks.
He types again.
āNice to meet you.ā
You nod and type quickly.
āYou too.ā
It feels insufficient for the strange gravity of the moment, but you donāt know how else to explain what meeting him already feels like.
He looks at the painting again.
Then at you.
Then types:
āDo you want to see the rest together?ā
Your heart stutters. You hadnāt expected that. You were just hoping to stay like this besides him for a few more minutes before heās gone and you never see him again. You stare at the words longer than necessary, and he waits patiently, a look in his eyes as if hoping more than anything youāll say yes.
You nod, a small movement, but his face lights up immediately.
You both stand at the same time, almost awkwardly synchronized, and a soft laugh escapes him, you see it in the way his shoulders lift, and you wonder what that sounded like.
You begin walking side by side through the gallery.
At first, neither of you types anything. You simply appreciate the art around you. Stopping before paintings and leaning closer to read descriptions. Then you start to occasionally exchanging phones for short comments.
āI like the colors here.ā
āIt feels nostalgic.ā
āI think this one makes me sad. Iām not sure why.ā
Itās all so natural and so not forced.
You notice how patient he is when typing, never rushing, and itās all just making you feel like this is easy, after all, itās not some huge inconvenience to him. He waits for your responses fully, eyes attentive, focused only on you when you write your words on the screen.
Itās rare. This is rare for you and you know it. People often grow restless. They get tired of having to do this. It has happened too many times. Boyfriends, friendships, coworkers.
The beautiful stranger in front of you doesn't stop. At least not yet.
You start noticing small things about him. The way he tilts his head when thinking. How expressive his eyes are and how carefully he observes everything.
Youāre standing before a sculpture when Hyunjin suddenly pauses as if he forgot something, or her left something behind accidentally. He glances around the room, quick subtle movements, and then he reaches into his bag. You watch curiously as he pulls out a black cap. He slides it onto his head, lowering the brim slightly, and then a mask appears too, covering the lower half of his face.
Strange, you think. All of a sudden, why?
He wasnāt wearing any of that earlier when you saw him walk around the museum alone. Your brows knit together slightly and you look around instinctively.
Nothing seems different.
Only his eyes remain fully visible now. And because you stand beside him thankfully you can still see him clearly.
He notices you looking.
For a brief moment, embarrassment flashes across his eyes as he sees the confused look at your face.
He types quickly.
āSorry. It's just something I have to do.ā
You read it twice.
Why?
You glance at him again, puzzled. Again, you think about how free he looked before talking to you, what changed now?
You type back before thinking clearly.
āNot because of me I hope.ā and you smile at him, as if joking. So awkward, why would you say that to him, so passive aggressive and for what? You just met the guy.. relax.
He immediately looks apologetic and thereās panic in his eyes. Youāre a fucking idiot thatās for sure.
āOf course not!ā
Relief softens the tightness in your chest. You hadnāt realized how much you were holding your breath. You nod lightly to show you understand, even if you donāt really. People have private reasons for things. Everyone carries pieces of themselves they donāt explain to strangers. You have no right to ask for explanations on anything.
He studies your face for a moment longer, as if making sure you truly believe him. Then his shoulders relax. Whatever tension had briefly appeared in him fades, replaced again by that quiet warmth youāve begun associating with his presence.
You continue walking.
He stays slightly closer to you than before, positioning himself so that anyone passing would see mostly the side of his face turned away. When other visitors walk by, his posture shifts subtly, head lowered, brim of his cap shadowing his eyes.
It feels more like a habit of his. Like muscle memory.
You donāt ask why. Youāre not going to ask him anything, he has his reasons. You just hope heās not a criminal or something and heās scared of being found.
You laugh in your head at the thought of this beautiful, kind man being a criminal.
You slow near the next painting and gesture toward it, inviting his attention back to something else. You both stop in front of a watercolor landscape, pale greens and soft blues melting into each other. He leans closer to read the description while you type a thought onto your phone.
āThis one feels quiet.ā
He reads it, then nods immediately.
He types
āComfortable quiet.ā
You smile.
Yes.
Exactly that.
The conversation resumes naturally after that. Whatever moment of tension existed dissolves into shared observation again, phones passing back and forth between you like a language only the two of you understand.
And you notice how attentive he is.
When you pause longer at a painting he waits for you. When you step closer to examine brushstrokes, he follows your lead. At one sculpture you circle slowly around it, studying how light changes the shadows, and when you turn heās watching you instead of the art.
You pretend not to notice but your heart still reacts anyway. You show him another message.
āDo you like art a lot?ā
He thinks before answering.
His thumbs hover over the screen longer this time.
āYes. A lot. I try to make as much time for art as I can.ā
You walk through the remaining galleries together, falling into an easy rhythm. Sometimes you talk through text. Sometimes you donāt talk at all. And somehow the silence between you never feels empty.
It feels shared.
At one point your hands brush accidentally while reaching toward the same information plaque. Both of you pull back at the same time. He laughs silently again, shoulders lifting, eyes crinkling above the mask.
You feel warmth rush to your face.
You type quickly, hiding your embarrassment behind humor.
āWe have synchronized museum instincts.ā
He grins and nods enthusiastically.
You donāt notice how often he looks at you now.
Not just glances.
Lingering looks.
As if heās trying to memorize something.
Eventually the exhibition begins to thin out and visitors move toward the exit. Afternoon light grows stronger through the windows, signaling the end of the experience.
You reach the final gallery together and neither of you says anything. Neither of you rushes forward. It feels strangely similar to standing at the end of a good book, not wanting to turn the last page because finishing means losing it forever, that itās over.
You slow your steps and he matches them automatically.
Outside the gallery doors the museum lobby stretches wide and bright. Reality waits there. You stop walking. He stops too. For a moment you both just stand facing each other. The silence changes. Not comfortable now, but fragile. Temporary.
You suddenly become aware that this was never guaranteed to last longer than today, longer than a few hours. That soon he will become a stranger again. You grip your phone slightly tighter.
He shifts his weight, eyes flicking down before returning to yours.
Heās nervous, you can feel it.
Youāve seen nervousness before, in yourself, in others trying to bridge uncertain moments. He types something. Stops and deletes it, then types again
Your heart begins beating faster.
Finally, he turns the screen toward you.
āCan I have your number Y/N? I understand if not, of course.ā
You look at him. At the hidden half of his face. At the eyes that have stayed soft with you all afternoon, at the stranger who chose to stay instead of walking away when he realised communication was going to be more complicated than he's used to.
You type your number and youāre smiling down at his phone, and your fingers feel strangely unsteady as you hand the phone back to him.
He exhales, a subtle release of tension you almost miss. He saves it immediately, then types.
āIām glad I met you today.ā
Your throat tightens.
You reply.
āMe too.ā
It feels inadequate compared to what you actually mean. You both linger a moment longer near the exit. Neither moving first.
Finally, you bow slightly, and he mirrors you instantly. You turn toward the doors, the remaining sunlight spilling across the floor ahead of you and each step away feels heavier than it should.
You reach the exit and something pulls at you. You glance back.. and heās still standing there watching you. Not checking his phone. Not leaving.
When your eyes meet again he lifts his hand in a small wave and you immediately smile at him and wave back in a small movement, and then you step outside into the afternoon air, unaware that somewhere behind you Hyunjin remains still for several seconds longer.
As if leaving this moment is harder than he expected.
_
You didnāt expect him to text.
Thatās the rule youāve learned about people who show interest in you. People are not willing to do all that, to put this much effort. These beautiful moments donāt follow you home.
Still, when you step into your apartment you place your phone down on the table more carefully than usual. As if being gentle to your phone will make him text. You change clothes. Wash your hands. Make tea. The routine unfolds exactly as it always does, predictable.
Your apartment is quiet, as it always is.
You sit by the window, watching the city move below. Cars glide past. People talk animatedly on sidewalks, conversations you can see but never enter. And then.. with the corner of your eye you see your phone light up.
Your heart jumps before logic catches up and you go and pick it up way too quickly.
A message.
Unknown number.
You already know.
āHey, itās Hyunjin, from the museum. Did you get home safely?ā
Warmth spreads through your chest so suddenly it genuinely embarrasses you. You type back immediately, then delete it. Youāre being too fast. Too eager. You donāt want to make it seem like heās all you could think about, even though thatās exactly whatās happening.
You wait for at least five minutes, just hoping he didnāt see you typing.
You: Hi. Yes. Did you?
The typing bubble appears almost instantly.
He was waiting too.
Hyunjin: Yes :) I keep thinking about the painting.
You smile instantly. You walk to the couch and sit down, pulling your legs beneath you.
You: The one with the storm?
Hyunjin: Yes. The one we met in front of.
Your breath catches. You stare at the message longer than necessary, unsure how to respond without revealing how much it affects you.
You: I canāt stop thinking about that piece too.
Three dots appear again.
Disappear.
Return.
You imagine him somewhere across the city, looking at his phone the same way you are now.
Hyunjin: Iām glad I talked to you today.
You blush like a schoolgirl. What even is this, why are you so effected by this man you barely know. Yes, heās very attractive and he seems kind, but those things never effect you if youāre not knee deep in someoneās personality.
You: Me too, thank you for today.
The conversation ends there, but you canāt seem to be able to stop thinking about him for the rest of the night, before finally going to sleep, still thinking about him, replaying everything in your head.
_
As the days go by the beautiful stranger texts you nearly every day, almost always at the same hours, late evening, when the city softens and people begin disappearing into their private lives. And you blush and kick your feet like a teenager whoās interacting with a boy for the first time in her life every time you get a text from him.
At first, the questions are small.
Hyunjin: What do you usually do after work?
You: Go home. Read. Sometimes cook badly.
Hyunjin: Haha, I doubt itās bad.
You: Do you paint?
Hyunjin: Yeah, I'm trying to find time for that.
You: What do you do for work?
Three dots appear.
Disappear.
Return.
Hyunjin: Iām a dancer.
You smile unconsciously. It fits him. The way he stood in front of the sculpture. The way his hands moved. The quiet awareness of his body in space.
You: That makes sense.
Hyunjin: Really? How come?
You hesitate, unsure how to explain something intuitive.
You: You notice things. Dancers notice things.
The typing bubble appears instantly.
Stops.
Appears again.
Hyunjin: I think you notice more than me.
The conversations grow slowly as days go by. He asks what silence feels like to you. No one has ever asked that before. You tell him silence isnāt always empty. It can be full. Full of movement, expressions, light shifting through rooms, people breathing.
He sends a message after several minutes.
Hyunjin: That sounds beautiful. I think sign language is very beautiful, maybe you can teach me something one day?
Your chest aches. Teach him sign? One day? This mean he's planning to see you again?
You: Oh, of course, if you'd like that :)
Hyunjin: I'd love it.
Some nights he tells you about the 'rehearsals' he has, as he calls them. You havenāt t quite understood what he does for work. Is he a dance teacher? Is he a backup dancer? He talks about long hours, sore feet and mirrors everywhere, and you imagine him practicing alone in a quiet studio.
You never push for details. Youāve learned people reveal only what they want to.
One evening after weeks of messages that feel strangely essential to your days, you type without overthinking.
You: I wish I could see you dance one day.
The message sends.
Immediately, the typing bubble appears.
Stops.
Appears again.
You watch it, heart beating faster than it should.
ā¦typingā¦
ā¦typingā¦
Then it disappears. Again. A minute passes. Two. Your stomach tightens.
Hyunjin: Maybe someday.
Another pause.
Hyunjin: Goodnight :)
You blink at the screen. Something about it feels unfinished. Like a door almost opened and then quietly shut again. What was he writing for minutes straight that he deleted?
You type goodnight back.
The next day passes without a text from him, and you donāt think much of it. People get busy. He clearly sounds like someone who has lots of work and lots of stuff to do. You go to work, come home, make tea and sit by the window as always.
Your phone stays dark.
Two days.
Five days.
A week.
No message.
You stop checking constantly. You place your phone face down now, as if removing the possibility will make disappointment smaller. It shouldnāt hurt. Yes, you both opened up a little bit about your lives, but still, you barely know him. But something settles quietly in your chest, familiar and heavy.
Because this is how it always happens.
People are kind at first. Curious. Interested. They like the novelty of learning how you communicate, the way you watch faces carefully, the patience required to speak with hands or typed words. But eventually comes the moment when effort becomes visible. When conversations require adjustment. When spontaneity disappears.
And then they fade.
Not cruelly or dramatically, but they do, and it always hurts the same. Maybe he wanted to meet with you, but the thought of having to text all the time made him change his mind.
You learned not to blame people for this.
And with him? You just tell yourself this was never different. You tell yourself that you knew better and to stop rereading the messages you exchanged the past weeks, and to stop wondering what he almost said that night.
Two weeks pass.
The rhythm of your life closes again around you, steady and predictable. Evening tea and city lights through your window. You feel foolish for having expected anything else. Some people are just passing moments. Beautiful ones, yes, but temporary. And you're still glad you got to know him even for just a bit. After all, he seemed like a nice, kind man.
_
It's Friday night and youāre halfway through washing dishes. You're planning on tidying up a bit, then putting on a movie and relaxing like that in front of the tv after a shitty day at the atelier.
You dropped your canvas, made a mess in the floor, ruined hours upon hours of hard work and had everyone trying to help you like you were some baby. Youāre deaf, youāre not a toddler.
Everything today was just shit, and you deserved to relax and forget this day all together.
Suddenly your phone lights up on the counter. You donāt rush, youāve trained yourself not to, and you're pretty much sure it's just your mom or your sister.
You dry your hands slowly.
His name.
Your heart forgets all the lessons you tried to teach it.
Hyunjin: Would you be up to meet again?
_
You start getting ready far too early.
The clock says you still have three hours before he arrives, yet you stand in front of your wardrobe like the decision carries unreasonable consequences. Shirts are lifted, held against your body, folded back again. Nothing feels right. Everything feels like trying too hard. You sit on the edge of your bed for a moment trying to catch your breath and looking at all the mess youāve made in front of you.
Youāre being so ridiculous. This is just tea. Just meeting a friend. Right? Thatās what he is. A friend.
But your thoughts donāt cooperate. What if he realizes how exhausting it is to talk with you? The pauses while you type. The way conversations sometimes need to slow down or the constant awareness required to communicate with you. People always say it doesnāt matter at first. And then later it does.
You smooth your hands over the clothes you finally picked. A long skirt and a beautifully detailed top.
You tell yourself not to hope too much. To treat this as meeting a friend and nothing else. This is not a date, not a romantic one at least.
The message he sent yesterday replays in your mind.
Would you be up to meet again?
And then the location he chose.
A tea house.
You had mentioned weeks ago casually that tea makes you feel calm and that you collect different kinds, that choosing tea feels like choosing a mood.
He remembered.
The realization warmed you more than the invitation itself. He listens. He listens and he notices and he remembers. You'd be happy even having him in your life as just a friend, so you just hope tonight goes well.
The tea house isnāt in town. It sat far outside the city, near the hills, almost hidden, and you wondered why he would choose somewhere so far when there were dozens of tea places closer. The thought lingered, unanswered. And you didnāt have time to care.
Your phone lights up.
Hyunjin: Iām outside.
Your heart leaps. You grab your bag, check your reflection one last time and step outside.
The car waiting at the curb makes you slow down.
Sleek. Black. You can tell this is a nice, expensive car. Dancers donāt usually drive cars like that. Or do they? Before you can think longer, the driverās door opens. Hyunjin steps out, and for a moment your brain stops working properly.
He looks unfairly beautiful.
Soft black hair falling into his eyes, simple clothes somehow looking elegant on him, long coat moving slightly with the breeze. Thereās nothing flashy about him, yet everything about him draws attention effortlessly. He has a cup on again, a cup that hides most of his face.
He smiles when he sees you and it makes your stomach flip.
Oh no.
He looks even better than you remembered. How are you supposed to try become friends with someone you are so attracted to? A man so beautiful your heart is doing backflips inside your chest. This is never going to work. But you will try, you will do anything to keep him in your life, you're already sure of it.
He walks toward you, slightly nervous energy in his movements. Then he pauses, studying you carefully. He lifts his phone, types quickly, and shows you.
Hyunjin: How do you sign ābeautifulā ?
You blink, surprised. You demonstrate slowly, showing him the motion, and his eyes follow your hands with intense focus, repeating the movement carefully, almost reverently.
He signs it back to you.
Beautiful. And points at you right after.
Heat rushes to your face instantly and you're pretty sure your cheeks are red, and he definitely noticed, because the corner of his eyes crinkles as a small smirk appears. You look away, suddenly very interested in the pavement.
The drive is quiet but comfortable.
He occasionally glances at you, like heās reassuring himself youāre really there. The city slowly fades behind you, buildings giving way to open views and softer landscapes.
You watch the scenery change, curiosity returning. Why here? Why somewhere so far away? But you will not ask. Somehow, the distance feels intentional. Private. Safe. And you find that nice, you trust him. Maybe he just wants to be far away from people because it will be overwhelming having to text and hear all the noise all at once.
The tea house appears nestled between trees, large windows facing an expansive view of hills stretching toward the sea. When you step inside you can see that there are barely any people, and the air smells faintly of jasmine and citrus. They seat you by the window and the view was breathtaking.
For a while, neither of you speaks. You simply sit there, sharing the calm. Then he types something and turns the phone toward you.
Hyunjin: Iām sorry I disappeared.
You blink, caught off guard by the directness.
Hyunjin: Work became overwhelming. I didnāt want to text carelessly.
You nod slowly and you type back.
You: Itās okay.I thought maybe you got tired of talking to me.
You immediately wish the floor would open up and youād disappear inside it. Why would you just blurt that out so easily? What is wrong with you?
His reaction is immediate. His eyes widen, genuine shock crossing his face. He shakes his head quickly.
Hyunjin: Of course not.
He hesitates before continuing.
Hyunjin: Why would you think that?
You stare at your hands before answering. You already fucked up by being completely honest, you might as well explain.
You: People usually do. They donāt always have patience. Talking with me takes effort.
You expect sympathy or awkward reassurance. Instead, his expression just softens, and he types slower this time.
Hyunjin: Talking to you is easy.
Your chest tightens, and you're still not used to the feeling even though he's making you feel like this way too often.
You hadnāt noticed how tightly you were holding yourself together until the tea arrived. Steam curls upward between you, carrying the faint scent of chamomile and something floral you donāt recognize. The porcelain cups are warm against your fingers.
Hyunjin watches you as you lift the cup.
Hyunjin: Can I ask something personal?
You nod immediately. Youāre surprised by how easily trust comes with him.
Hyunjin: Were you always deaf?
You smile at his genuine curiosity and type back.
You: Yes. I was born this way.
You pause, then add more.
You: My parents found out when I was a baby. I have never experienced sound, so I donāt feel like I lost anything.
Hyunjin: Does the cochlear implant help you catch anything?
You reach up instinctively, fingers brushing the small processor resting behind your ear.
You: Sometimes, yes. In quiet places, I can pick up bits of sound, but it doesnāt come through clearly. Itās more like my brain turning electrical signals into rough shapes of meaning. I guess. Speech is the hardest. Some sounds are clearer than others, but none of it feels natural. And I get tired quickly, listening takes effort
He nods as he reads.
Hyunjin: Can you hear your own voice?
You: Not really. I feel it more than hear it.
You tap lightly against your throat.
You: Like vibration inside my chest.
His expression changes, something tender flickering there, and you realize heās imagining it. Trying to understand your world from the inside.
He types again, slower this time.
Hyunjin: Thank you for explaining it to me.
You nod and smile at him.
Hyunjin: And do your parents know sign language?
You: Kind of, they're still learning, but we can communicate comfortably for the most part.
He smiles.
Hyunjin: I want to learn too.
You look up at him, smiling big without meaning to.
You: I'll teach you then.
And he nods excitingly, as he types again.
Hyunjin: Tell me about your paintings, about your work!
You describe them shyly at first, talking about your favourite techniques and explain how painting feels like translating emotions you canāt always express otherwise. He reads your messages intensely, elbows resting on the table, completely focused. You talk more than you meant to and you open up to him quickly.
Eventually, without thinking, the words slip out.
You: You could come to my house and see them sometime⦠if you want.
The moment you turn the phone towards him for him to read you immediately regret it and try to take the phone back, but he stops you and holds your hand, turning the phone back to himself. Soft hands, his long fingers making you feel dizzy.
Focus, you're trying to be his friend.
You read his lips: āLet me see.ā
You look down quickly, wishing you could pull the invitation back.
He goes still, and you can see uncertainty flicker across his face as he reads it. You rush to type again.
You: Only if you want. No pressure!!!!!!!!
He interrupts gently, typing as a small laugh leaves his throat and you catch the movement.
Hyunjin: Iād like that.
You look at him and he nods once, as if confirming the decision to himself as much as to you. Warmth spreads through you, mixed with nervous excitement.
You: Enough about me though, tell me about yourself too.
He laughs and types.
Hyunjin: Iām not very interesting.
You snort softly before you can stop yourself, and you wonder if the sound you made just now sounded weird. You hope not, and you see him smile, so you donāt think about it too much.
You: Thatās not true.
He smiles at your quick response, shoulders relaxing slightly, and he tries again.
Hyunjin: I dance. Thatās most of my life.
You nod, already knowing that part, but you wait for him to continue.
Hyunjin: I started young. Training took a lot of time. Long days. Late nights. I still practice almost every day.
You: What kind of dance?
He tilts his head, thinking how to answer.
Hyunjin: Different styles. Contemporary, hip hop, performance dance.
You: Do you like it?
His answer comes immediately this time.
Hyunjin: Yes. When I dance, I donāt think about anything else.
You smile. You understand that feeling. Painting does the same for you.
You: Thatās how painting feels for me.
He nods eagerly, clearly happy at the connection.
Hyunjin: Then you understand.
Golden light stretches across the road as you walk back to the car together, and the drive feels different now. You feel closer to him after the talk you had. You feel like you know more about him, but still, you know there's so much more. You can feel that heās holding back, you just can't put your finger on what it is.
When the car stops outside your apartment your heartbeat picks up again. He picks up his phone after stopping the car right in front of your door and types.
Hyunjin: I have time to see your painting now, if youāre okay with that.
You look at him, not ready for this to happen so fast, but you want him to come and see so bad that you just canāt find it in you to care if your apartment is messy. You nod eagerly.
_
Heās here. About to see your space. Your world. You glance at him, unsure if heās nervous too, and he meets your eyes and smiles softly.
He follows you quietly into your apartment and the moment the door closes behind him something shifts in the air. You donāt turn on the big overhead light. Instead you move through the small space flipping on the many warm lamps youāve collected over the years, soft golden pools of light that make the cozy room feel even smaller, more intimate.
The apartment is tiny, walls lined with bookshelves and half finished canvases. The air smells faintly of oil paint, chamomile tea and a lavender candle that even though wasn't lit you could still smell it.
Having him here feels⦠overwhelming, in a good, perfect way.
Hyunjin looks impossibly beautiful under the warm lamplight. The harsh edges of the outside world are gone. His black hair falls softly across his forehead as he takes his cap off, catching threads of gold. His long coat is draped over the back of your old armchair, and in just a simple black sweater, he seems softer, more real. Every time he moves the light shifts across his face, highlighting the gentle slope of his nose, the curve of his lips, the depth in his eyes. He looks like one of your paintings come to life, something delicate and aching all at once.
You lead him to the corner where you paint. The space is cramped but warm, brushes resting in jars, colors smeared on an old wooden palette. Several canvases are propped against the wall, your private little windows into everything you feel.
Hyunjin crouches down slowly so he can see better, eyes moving across each piece with genuine focus. He studies the stormy seascape, soft misty mountains, and the smaller abstract works where colors bleed into emotions youāve never named out loud.
His expression changes as he looks. First curiosity, then quiet surprise, and finally something close to awe. He leans closer to one particular canvas, a figure standing on a cliff as golden light breaks through heavy clouds, and his lips part slightly.
He pulls out his phone, but then seems to change his mind. Instead, he looks up at you, eyes bright, and slowly signs the word you taught him earlier.
Beautiful.
The movement is careful, a little clumsy but full of effort. His long fingers shape the sign with reverence.
You look up at him, heart pounding so loudly you can feel it in your throat. Without thinking, you sign back āThank youā, and you mouth the word silently at the same time.
For a moment, the world narrows to just the two of you under the warm lamplight.
Hyunjinās gaze softens. He rises slowly from his crouch until heās standing close, closer than heās ever been. The air between you feels charged, fragile, full of all the unspoken things that have been growing since you met. His eyes drop to your lips for half a second, then return to yours, asking without words.
And then he just leans in.
The kiss is impossibly soft.
Tentative at first, like heās afraid of breaking the quiet you both cherish. His lips are warm and gentle against yours, tasting faintly of the tea you shared earlier. Thereās no rush, only tenderness. One of his hands comes up to cup your cheek with feather light care, thumb brushing your skin.
Your eyes flutter closed. After a heartbeat of surprise, you lean in and kiss him back, your hands rising to rest lightly against his chest. You can feel the steady, slightly faster beat of his heart under your palm. The kiss deepens just a little, still soft, still slow.
When you finally pull apart youāre both breathing a little heavier. His forehead rests gently against yours for a moment, eyes closed, as if heās savoring the closeness, and you can feel the warmth of his breath against your skin.
He pulls back just enough to look at you, then reaches for his phone with slightly unsteady fingers.
Hyunjin: I wanted to do this since the moment I saw you in front of that painting.
You smile, cheeks flushed, and you grab his phone to type back
You: I wanted you to do this since that moment too, I couldnāt stop thinking about you.
His eyes are warm and shiny as he reads.
Hyunjin: I donāt want to scare you with how much I already like you. But being here, in your space, seeing your art⦠it feels like Iām seeing the real you. And I like her so much.
Your chest tightens with a sweet ache.
You: Iām not scared of you.
The hour now has grown late, and Hyunjin glances at the time on his phone, reluctance clear in his expression.
Hyunjin: I have early practice tomorrow⦠I should go. Thank you for letting me into your world tonight.
You smile at him as he touched your face one last time, and you walk to the door together. He puts his coat back on and pulls the mask and cap from his pocket, preparing once again for the outside world. Before he steps out, he turns to you one more time.
He leans down and presses a final, tender kiss to your forehead, lingering there for a few heartbeats, and you melt completely. Then he pulls back, eyes soft.
You sign āGoodnightā slowly as you mouth it, and he repeats the sign back to you with a smile.
You stand there for a long moment, fingers touching your lips where he kissed you, the warmth of his presence still lingering in your small apartment.
_
The next afternoon you stepped out to buy groceries, still carrying the warm glow from last nightās kiss. Your steps felt lighter. The world seemed a little softer, and you wanted more than anything to make soup.
You loved soup, and you loved making it. It felt so cozy to make soup. Mushroom soup, carrot soup, chicken soup, onion soup. Youāve tried everything, all of it equally delicious.
You got your groceries and you decided to go home from a different route, to walk around a little longer since the day was so nice. You turned the corner onto the main street, and right there as you looked up, you froze.
There, towering over the busy intersection was a massive billboard. Bright, impossible to miss. Hyunjinās face, the face of the boy who was in your apartment last night filled most of it, sharp eyes, styled hair, wearing a striking outfit, promoting a luxury brand.
Your bags slipped from your fingers.
The world tilted. You stared, frozen on the sidewalk as people walked past you. Your chest tightened painfully. That was him. Your Hyunjin, splashed across a building like he belonged to everyone.
What the fuck? Is this actually him? Or is this a sick joke? Does he have a fucking twin or something? No. Thereās no way thatās him.
_
The groceries hit the floor the moment the door of your apartment closed, milk carton cracking open, vegetables rolling across the tiles.
You didnāt care.
Hands shaking, you opened your laptop and typed āHyunjinā into the search bar. You didnāt even know his last name, thereās no way anything will come up with just his name.
The page loaded.
Thousands of results.
Photos. Videos. News articles. āHwang Hyunjinā ā Stray Kids. Born March 20, 2000. Main dancer, rapper, visual. Millions of followers. Fancams. Magazine covers.
His face was everywhere.
You clicked frantically. More images flooded the screen, him on stage, glowing with confidence, blonde hair in older clips, intense expressions, surrounded by seven other men. He looked so different yet the same. Powerful. Distant. Like a completely different person from the man who had kissed you so tenderly the other night.
And then the betrayal hit and you felt tears running down your face.
He had lied to you. Not directly, but by omission. While you poured out your world to him he had hidden this enormous part of himself. The cap, the mask, the faraway tea house, the sudden disappearances⦠it all made brutal sense now.
Is he really that ashamed of me?
The thought tore through you. Thatās why he hid his face whenever you were together. To protect himself. So no one would see the famous idol standing next to the deaf girl.
Tears burned hot down your cheeks.
You curled up on the floor beside the spilled groceries, shoulders shaking with silent sobs. The apartment felt too small, too quiet, too full of him. You cried until your eyes ached and your chest felt hollow.
How could he do this?
_
The next morning your phone lit up.
Hyunjin: Hey. I keep thinking about your paintings⦠and you. How are you today?
You read it. Your thumb hovering over the keyboard, but you canāt bring yourself to answer. The hurt is too raw, too fresh.
Twenty minutes later, another message.
Hyunjin: Did you sleep well? I know I left late the other day, I hope I didnāt mess up your sleep schedule. if youāre busy, itās okay. Just let me know youāre alright?
Read. No reply.
An hour passes.
Hyunjin: Is everything okay? Iām getting a little worried. Did I do something wrong?
You still couldnāt answer and the tears came again. Why was he doing this? What did he want from you? Why is he texting you acting like he cares if heās so embarrassed to be around you to the point he has to hide under masks?
Then, late in the afternoon another message.
Hyunjin: Please talk to me. Even if itās just one word. I canāt stop thinking that I messed up the moment I left your apartment. Youāre important to me. I donāt want to lose this.
Something inside you snapped. You typed with trembling fingers, vision blurred
You: Are you embarrassed of me, Hwang Hyunjin? Is that why you were hiding your face every time we were together? What do you want from me exactly?
The message sent.
You saw the āReadā notification almost instantly.
He didnāt reply.
_
You feel slightly calmer now after getting that out of your chest, calm enough to look him up again. With a clearer head now, not filled with shock. You searched his name once more and click on a music video titled āGodās Menu.ā
The video starts, and you canāt hear a single note. Hyunjin appears on screen, younger, with striking blonde hair, moving with fierce, sharp precision. His expressions are powerful, almost predatory, completely different from the gentle person who had crouched in front of your paintings to look. There were seven other men with him, all radiating raw energy and charisma. The choreography was intense, synchronized, explosive.
He had opened up to you about dancing, about how it made him forget everything. But he never told you this was his life. Why? Why were you not allowed to know about this?
Fresh tears slipped down your cheeks. The disappointment felt heavier than the anger now. You had trusted him, but he hadnāt trusted you with this.
It was past 9 p.m when your phone buzzed again.
Him.
Hyunjin: Iām outside your apartment. Please⦠can I come up and explain? Just five minutes. Iāll leave right after if you want me to.
Your heart clenched. Part of you wanted to ignore him. The bigger part, the one that still remembered his soft lips kissing you, made you walk to the door. You were angry, but you were mostly curious. Curious to know what the fuck he wants from you and why he hid this.
Hyunjin stood there in the dim hallway light, mask pulled down, eyes wide with worry and something else.. fear?.
He looked exhausted. He stepped inside carefully when you moved aside, and the moment the door closed he started typing frantically, then stopped and tried to speak slowly so you could read his lips.
āIām not embarrassed of you,ā he said clearly, voice careful. āNever. Please believe that.ā
You stared at him, arms wrapped around yourself.
He continued, typing and showing you the screen.
Hyunjin: My company has very strict rules. Idols arenāt allowed to date publicly. If fans see me with someone, especially if pictures get taken, it can turn into a huge scandal. It could hurt my members, my career⦠and the person Iām with. I was trying to protect you. Your life and identity. I donāt want cameras or hate coming after you because of me. I was going to tell you. I swear. I just⦠I wanted you to like me for me, the guy who sat next to you in the museum.
His eyes were glassy and he looked genuinely devastated. Breaking your heart seeing him like this even though you were still upset with him.
āIām so sorry,ā he mouthed. āI never meant to hurt you like this.ā
You felt your own tears return. The anger cracked, leaving only hurt and sudden guilt.
You didnāt know any of this. You werenāt familiar with idol culture, hell, you couldnāt even listen to music.
You typed with shaky hands.
You: Okay, I get that, Iām sorry for reacting like this. I saw you on a billboard and then I googled you. So many people know you. Why do i not deserve to? I just instinctively thought youāre embarrassed of me because of my disability.
Hyunjin shook his head fiercely and pulled you into his arms without hesitation. He held you tight, one hand gently cradling the back of your head. You clung to him, face buried in his chest, shoulders shaking with quiet sobs. He rubbed slow circles on your back, patient and warm.
After a long while, he pulled back just enough to type.
Hyunjin: I really like you Y/N, and I donāt give a fuck that youāre deaf. Itās just another beautiful part of you, nothing more, nothing less.
You read the text and looked up in his eyes, more tears forming in your eyes, in his too. And you hugged again, tightly, as he kissed the top of your head.
After a while like this..
You: I saw the music videos. You look so cool, and you dance so unbelievably great. I wish I could hear your music
The sadness in your own expression was impossible to hide. Hyunjinās face softened and he cupped your cheeks gently, thumbs brushing away your tears. He leaned in and kissed you, soft, deep, full of apology and longing. You kissed him back desperately, clinging tighter, your hands fisting in his shirt as if he might disappear.
The kiss grew heavier. Your body pressed closer to his, seeking comfort, connection, anything to fill the ache. Your hands slid under his coat, under his sweater, touching his waist and now actively pulling him toward the bedroom as you kiss.
Hyunjin understood immediately and he stopped you gently as he smiled, breaking the kiss, forehead resting against yours.
He shook his head no, breathing uneven, cheeks flushed.
āNot like this,ā he mouthed slowly, making sure you could read his lips. āYouāre upset. I donāt want you to.. regret it later.ā
And his words are kind but they still hit you like cold water. Your hands loosen from his sweater immediately, heat rushing to your face. Embarrassment floods through you so quickly it almost hurts. You pull back a little too fast, avoiding his eyes.
Of course.
Of course you misread everything and embarrassed yourself again.
You stare at the floor, fingers twisting together. You type quickly on your phone, movements slightly clumsy.
You: Iām so sorry. That was stupid. I didnāt mean to-
Before you can finish, he gently catches your wrist. His expression changes instantly, concern replacing surprise.
He shakes his head, almost panicked.
āNo,ā he mouths quickly. āNo, no.ā
He takes your phone, typing himself.
Hyunjin: Hey. Itās okay. Really. You didnāt do anything wrong. We can do that some other time, when youāre feeling better. I want it too.
He looks at you and smiles, warm, reassuring, the kind of smile meant to pull you out of your own thoughts. Heās still standing so close and it doesnāt help that youāve touched his bare waist. Youāre still embarrassed, and you donāt know what to do with your hands for the first time maybe ever.
His hand lifts slowly, hesitant, giving you time to pull away if you want.
You donāt.
His fingers tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear. Then he leans in again. Gentle, soft kiss, slow. Not desperate or overwhelming, reassurance pressed quietly against your lips.
When he pulls back his forehead rests against yours again for a second, both of you smiling a little shyly now. The tension melts and you breathe out a small laugh, still embarrassed but lighter. And he smiles at the sound you made.
He gestures towards the couch and you nod.
You sit side by side, knees touching, your shoulders brushing occasionally as you both pull out your phones to talk. The room feels calmer now. Safe again.
You glance at him, then type.
You: So⦠idol.
He groans immediately, covering his face with one hand, and you grin.
You: You hid that pretty well.
Hyunjin: I wasnāt trying to lie. I just⦠wanted you to meet me first.
You tilt your head, teasing.
You: So youāre secretly mega famous and thought I wouldnāt notice?
He laughs, shoulders shaking.
Hyunjin: You didnāt notice.
You nudge his arm.
You: I thought you were just suspiciously pretty.
He pretends to look offended, placing a hand dramatically over his heart. You both laugh, the last bit of awkwardness dissolving between you, but your next message is softer.
You: I was really hurt yesterday. It really shocked me and my mind went to the worse case scenario.
His smile faded, replaced by something serious.
Hyunjin: I know. Iām really sorry. I shouldāve thought of the possibility of hurting you like this.
He looks at you while you read it, eyes vulnerable in a way that doesnāt match the polished image he probably shows the world.
Hyunjin: I was scared youād treat me differently or feel like my life was too much.
Your chest tightens. You donāt type this time. You just lean in and kiss him. A quiet answer. Forgiveness. When you pull back he looks stunned and then relieved, smiling wider than youāve seen all night.
You stand up suddenly and he blinks in confusion. You gesture toward the kitchen.
āTeaā you mouth, and sign it at the same time.
His face lights up immediately.
He watches you move around the kitchen, comfortable in your own space, sleeves pushed up as you prepare tea. Something about the normalcy of it seems to calm him more than anything else tonight. When you return handing him a warm cup his fingers brush yours deliberately.
He mouths thank you, and he tries to sign it from memory. His movement is a little clumsy, but you help him get it right as you both smile.
You grab the remote and put on some anime show youāve left unfinished, looking at him to make sure heās also cool with your choice, and his eyes widen in excitement as he nods immediately.
As the show starts playing quietly the screen colors flickering across the room. He keeps glancing at you more than the show at first, like heās still grounding himself in the fact that youāre okay, that youāre still here with him.
Eventually you settle closer. Your head rests against his shoulder and his arm hesitates only a second before wrapping around you carefully, pulling you into his side.
Heās warm. steady, safe.
You both watch episode after episode, occasionally passing the phone back and forth to comment or joke. At some point you stop typing altogether. Youāre just⦠comfortable. Your breathing slows and your body grows heavier against him, and a few minutes later he looks down and realises youāve fallen asleep on him, your cheek pressed against his chest as one of your hands loosely hold his shirt.
His expression softens instantly and he stays still for a long time, unwilling to disturb you, watching your peaceful face like itās something fragile.
After an hour he carefully shifts, sliding one arm under your knees and the other behind your back as he lifts you. You stir slightly but donāt wake, instinctively leaning closer into him.
He smiles at that. Finding it adorable.
Carrying you to the bedroom feels strangely intimate, more intimate than any of the kisses youāve shared. He lays you gently on the bed, pulling the blanket over you and tucking it around your shoulders. He just stands there for a moment, watching you, memorizing your face as his fingers brush lightly against your hair.
He mouths quietly, though you canāt hear it,
āGoodnight babyā
And he hesitates⦠but then leans down and presses one last soft kiss to your forehead before he leaves. And the apartment returns to silence but holds all of the warmth he left behind.
_
Morning arrives slowly.
Sunlight slips through your curtains in golden lines, warming the blankets tangled around you. For a moment you donāt move, you just lie there, half awake, wrapped in the lingering feeling of last night.
Then memory returns all at once.
Hyunjin, the apologies, what almost happened but heās just so sweet and considerate, the couch, the tea, his arms around you, falling asleep against him.
Your eyes snap open and you sit up quickly, looking around your room. Deep inside you hoping heās here. A small flicker of disappointment rises⦠until your phone lights up beside you.
Hyunjin: Good morning! You fell asleep during episode four.
Your heart jumps, and you open the messages immediately. A smile spread across your face as another message appears.
Hyunjin: I carried you to bed. I hope that was okay. I had work pretty early today so I had to go.
You press your lips together, warmth blooming in your chest at the thought.
Hyunjin: Also⦠I just wanted to say that Iām sorry again for upsetting you. I never want to make you feel unsure of my intentions again.
You reread that one twice. Your fingers hover over the keyboard, but before you can answer, another message arrives.
Hyunjin: I have an idea, and a feeling youāre going to like it. Can I pick you up later?
You donāt even realize youāre smiling until your cheeks start hurting.
You: You donāt have to apologize anymore Hyun. And yes, you can pick me up!
Hyun.
He smiles at the nickname.
Heās down horribly and he knows it.
_
You notice immediately that this drive feels different. He looks excited but nervous too. His fingers tap lightly against the steering wheel while he glances at you every few seconds, like heās waiting for your reaction before the surprise even happens.
The car stops in front of a large building and you tilt your head questioningly. He grins, a little shy, a little proud over his idea, and gestures for you to follow him.
You immediately realise youāre in a company building. The hallways are never ending, and staff members bow politely as he passes. You notice it, the familiarity, the respect, the way people instantly recognize him. This is his world. Some of them look at you with a strange look on their faces, but they donāt try to interact with you at all, so you simply follow Hyunjin.
He opens a door carefully.
A.. studio?
Youāre suddenly inside a huge recording studio. And right there in front of you is another man who looks back at you and Hyunjin and smiles fondly. Does he know you?
Hyunjin signs slowly as he points at him for you to look:
āFriendā
Chan immediately mirrors the greeting, giving you an enthusiastic wave. His smile is kind, gentle in a way that eases your nerves instantly. He types something quickly on a tablet and turns it toward you.
Chan: Hi! Iām Chan, Hyunjinās bandmate. Hyunjin talks about you a lot. Welcome to our studio. Itās nice to finally meet youā
You smile at him and nod.
He talks about you? Heās.. talked about you to his members? To his group?
Suddenly Hyunjin takes your hand and leads you towards an enormous speaker setup. Huge. Almost intimidating. He suddenly looks nervous, searching your face for trust.
He signs slowly so you can follow every movement.
āI want you to feel my music.ā
Did he do research? How does he know how to signs sentences all of a sudden? Your head is already spinning at the fact heās fully signing before what he actually said even registers.
He guides your hand gently toward the large speaker, an enormous one thatās resting against the wall.
The music starts, and..
BOOM.
A deep vibration surges through the speaker and travels straight into your palm. Strong and alive and you gasp, eyes widening.
The bass pulses again, and again and again. You feel it climb up your arm, into your chest, into your bones. Instinctively, your other hand presses over your heart. The beat syncs beneath your palm. Youāre feeling it. Feeling him. His art, his effort. His voice translated into movement, into vibration and emotion.
Your smile grows uncontrollably and you know your eyes are shinning, and then tears spill before you even realize youāre crying. Hyunjin freezes when he sees them.
For one terrifying second he thinks Did I overwhelm her? Did I do something wrong?
But then you laugh silently through your tears, gripping the speaker tighter, shoulders shaking with emotion. And he understands. You feel it. You feel him. He steps closer, overwhelmed himself now, and gently cups your face. His thumbs wipe your tears away one by one, and then he leans down, kissing them softly from your cheeks.
Behind you Chan quietly smiles, and without a word he slips out of the room, closing the door, giving you privacy, protecting the moment.
Hyunjin rests his forehead against yours, the music still pulses through the floor, through your hands, through your heart.
He signs slowly, again: I wanted to share my world with you.
You squeeze his hand, pressing it over your chest so he can feel your heartbeat racing beneath his palm and you kiss kid knuckles.
Thatās your answer.
He exhales shakily, overwhelmed by how deeply this moment means means to him, and scared of how much you mean to him.
The tears on your cheeks had barely dried when something shifted in the air between you. His breathing grew heavier, you could feel it. His thumbs stroked your skin once more, then slid down to your jaw.
He kissed you again, hard, passionate, desperate.
It wasnāt like his usual gentle kisses. This one carried everything he had been holding back, longing, fear, and overwhelming want.
His lips moved against yours with urgent hunger, tongue slipping into your mouth as his hands slid into your hair, tilting your head exactly how he wanted and you whimpered into the kiss, hands fisting in his shirt.
He started to guide you to the couch now, and he locked the studio door with one hand without breaking the kiss.
He sat down on the wide, comfortable studio couch and pulled you with him. You climbed into his lap without thinking, knees bracketing his hips, straddling him. The moment your bodies pressed together you both instinctively moaned. And oh you were needy. So needy. And so was he. And the little sounds you were making were driving him crazy.
Your hips started moving on their own, grinding down against the growing hardness in his pants. The friction was delicious, and you rocked against him again and again, chasing the pressure. He groaned deeply, the sound vibrating against your lips as his hands gripped your waist, guiding your movements.
āFuck⦠baby,ā he breathed against your neck, making sure you could feel the low rumble of his voice. āYouāre so eager for meā¦ā
You answered by rolling your hips harder, desperate little sounds slipping from your throat. The music continued to pulse around you, deep bass thumping through the couch, through his body, into yours. Every beat seemed to sync with the way you moved against him.
Hyunjinās hands slid under your shirt, palms hot against your bare skin. He helped you pull the fabric over your head, then leaned forward to kiss and bite softly at your neck and collarbone while you continued grinding down on him. The humping grew more frantic, and your breathing was ragged, thighs trembling around his hips as you rubbed yourself against his clothed cock again and again.
He was breathing hard too, forehead pressed to your shoulder, groaning every time you rolled your hips just right.
After several long minutes of this, he finally slid one hand between your bodies. His long fingers slipped under your skirt and into your panties, finding you already soaked.
āSo wet for me babyā he said, making sure you read his lips, and his words made you shiver.
He circled your clit slowly at first, then faster. Two of his long, elegant fingers pressed inside you, curling gently, opening you up. He scissored them slowly, stretching you, stroking that sensitive spot inside while his thumb continued rubbing your clit.
You clung to his shoulders, hips rocking desperately onto his fingers, soft whimpers turning into broken moans. Hyunjin watched your face the entire time, eyes dark and full of adoration, occasionally leaning in to kiss you deeply whenever your sounds grew louder.
When he felt you were ready, trembling and dripping around his fingers, he pulled them out gently.
He quickly opened his pants, freeing himself. His cock was hard, flushed, already leaking at the tip. He looked up at you, breathing heavily, eyes sparkling and asking for permission even now. And you answered by lifting your hips, pushing your panties aside, and slowly sinking down onto him.
The stretch was intense.
You gasped, forehead falling against his as you took him inch by inch. Hyunjinās hands gripped your hips tightly, but he didnāt push, he let you control the pace, groaning deeply every time you sank a little lower.
When he was fully inside you, buried to the hilt, you both stayed still for a moment, breathing each other in.
Then you started moving.
Slow at first. Rolling your hips in deep, sensual circles. Hyunjinās head fell back against the couch, lips parted, low groans spilling from his throat and you wrapped one arm gently around his neck so you could feel every groan, every moan through your palm. And every time you felt it youād squeeze him inside you so deliciously.
His hands guided you, helping you ride him harder, deeper.
āYou feel so fucking good,ā he groaned, looking at you straight in the eyes as he spoke āSo tight⦠so warm⦠all mine. My perfect girl.ā
Your pace quickened. You rode him with desperate need, breasts bouncing slightly with every movement, hands clutching his shoulders for balance. Hyunjin met every roll of your hips with upward thrusts, fucking up into you while keeping one hand on your lower back, pressing you closer.
When you finally came it hit you so hard. Your body clenched around him, a silent cry tearing from your throat as waves of intense pleasure crashed through you. Hyunjin followed right after, pulling out of you quickly, a shuddering groan you felt vibrate through your entire chest. His arms wrapped tightly around you, holding you against him as he spilled on his stomach.
You looked down at the beautiful mess he had made in himself, and you picked some of it with your finger, bringing it to your mouth.
His head was going to explode. The expressions on his face priceless, making you wet all over again by just how hot he looked looking at you.
His hands started to stroke your back slowly, tenderly. He pressed soft kisses to your sweaty temple, your cheek, your lips. His fingers brushed damp strands of hair away from your face with such gentle care it made your chest ache.
āI think iām falling in love with youā he mouthed and touched his heart.
Your eyes widened, a smile you couldnāt control. You fell on his chest and kissed him, and you could feel each otherās smiles through the kiss
āMe tooā you mouthed back.
You buried your face in his neck, arms wrapped tightly around him, heart still racing.
_
The award still feels unreal in his hands even hours later.
Even after the stage lights, the cameras, the cheers vibrating through the arena floor, the weight of the trophy resting beside the table keeps pulling Hyunjin back to reality.
They won.
The restaurant is loud, warm, crowded with late night laughter and clinking glasses. The members insisted on going out if they won, no managers hovering too closely tonight, just eight exhausted men finally allowed to breathe.
Chan lifts his glass.
āTo surviving another yearā
Everyone cheers. Glasses collide.
Hyunjin smiles, but his mind drifts elsewhere, and across the table Chan watches him carefully. Too carefully. He knows him too well.
Chan leans forward slowly, eyes narrowing in playful suspicion.
āWhy do you look like youāre remembering something illegal?ā
Laughter erupts instantly.
Changbin snaps his fingers. āHeās been smiling at nothing all night!ā
Han points dramatically. āYou canāt possibly be this happy over the award you little fuck, just tell usā
Hyunjin groans, dropping his face into his hands.
āI hate all of you.ā
Felix grins. āNo, no. We love you. Thatās why we investigate.ā
Seungmin tilts his head. āItās her, right?ā
The table quiets just slightly. Not teasing now, all of them genuinely curious to know.
Because they know.
Theyāve watched Hyunjin change the past few months, softer rehearsals, distracted smiles, the way he stays up texting. The way he just looks happier now, more content, complete.
Chan leans back, arms crossed.
āThe museum girl.ā
Hyunjin exhales, thereās no hiding heās down bad for her, they already know, heās already told them, so whatās the point of shying away now.
His voice comes quiet.
āā¦Yeah.ā
Immediately, smiles spread around the table. Jeongin kicks his leg under the table. āFinally.ā
Changbin laughs. āSo youāre officially together or what?ā
Hyunjin shakes his head, embarrassed but smiling anyway. āI donāt know. Yes? I havenāt asked her to be her boyfriend but do I even have to? We both said weāre falling in love with each other.ā
He looks down at his glass, thumb tracing condensation along the edge.
āI thinkā¦ā he hesitates, searching for words. āā¦I think she sees me. Who I am, who I really am you know?.ā
He thinks about how you looked at him before knowing who he was. How heartbroken you were because you thought heās embarrassed of you, when the thing he wanted to do the most was yell from a rooftop about you.
āI mean, to find someone like her, so kind, so talented, and to not care at all about this life.. this is one in a lifetimeā
His friends have long stopped teasing and are now listening to him, some of them smiling, others almost looking proud.
āWhen I thought I lost her I was a messā
Felix nods gently. āBut you didnāt.ā
Hyunjin shakes his head, a small smile forming.
āNo.ā
Chan watches him carefully, then grins slowly.
āā¦So.ā
Everyone leans in. Chanās voice lowers dramatically.
āYou brought her to the studio yesterday.ā
Groans and laughter explode immediately and Hyunjinās face turns bright red.
āHyung...ā
Chan points accusingly. āYou never bring anyone to the studio.ā
Changbin slams the table. āOh my god, you fucked in the studio didnāt you?ā
Hyunjin hides his face again, shoulders shaking with mortified laughter.
āThatās none of your goddamn business idiots.ā
āOh my god they did. They fucked in our studio.ā
The reaction is instant chaos. Han nearly falls out of his chair. Felix covers his mouth, laughing and Minho claps like someone just scored a goal.
Chan leans back triumphantly.
āI knew it.ā
Minho has been itching to ask this, and he finally does
āSo, did you have her sign an NDA?ā
Hyunjin looked at him like he had asked the craziest thing in the world. Almost disgust forming on his face
āDude what? No. She will never do anything shady. Sheās not like thatā
Changbin nudged him. āYou waited forever to meet someone like that.ā shifting the conversation, knowing how Hyunjin gets with the whole idea of NDAs.
Felix nods warmly. āYou deserve someone who understands you.ā
Chanās teasing fades into something softer. āYou look lighter,ā he says. āOn stage today too. I noticed.ā
Hyunjin looks at him and smiles, āReally?ā he hadnāt realized it himself, but it was true. The performances felt more free lately. The pressure quieter. Because for the first time since forever.. he has somewhere to return to emotionally. Someone who knows him when the lights turn off and loves him anyway for who he really is.
He smiles to himself.
āShe felt our music yesterday, thatās why I took her to the studio. She wanted to know, and thatās the only pleas for her to do that.ā he says softly.
The table stills again. They are all so curious about how Hyunjin makes it work considering her deafness. He tells them about your hand on the speaker, the way your smile broke open, how you cried while feeling the rhythm through your body.
No one interrupts. Even Changbin grows quiet.
Chan exhales slowly, clearly moved.
āā¦Thatās beautiful, man.ā
Hyunjin nods.
āI think⦠I think this is serious guys. Iām like.. genuinely in love with her.ā
Then eight matching grins spread around the table, and Han raises his glass again.
āTo Hyunjin finally being in love.ā
Glasses lift. They all cheer loudly as Hyunjin blushes, and he doesnāt deny it. How could he when itās the truth.
Heās so madly in love with you.
Because when he checks his phone under the table and sees your name lighting the screen with a simple message ā
Did you eat? Congratulations on your win, I saw you on tv!
ā his chest warms in a way no award ever could ever make him feel.
He types back instantly.
Yes. I miss you already.
He doesnāt notice Chan watching him fondly from across the table. Doesnāt notice the knowing smiles exchanged between the members. Theyāve seen Hyunjin chase perfection for years. Seen him doubt himself. Seen loneliness hide behind beauty and talent. Tonight he looks peaceful.
And that matters more than any trophy sitting on the table beside them.
you are one of the only people doing idol hyunjin fics.
I JUST HIT THE JACKPOOOOOOTTTTT
HAHAHHAHAHA š
the way i started to write was because i couldnāt find the kind of stories i wanted to read so i was like you know what iāll just do it myself. i love idol hyunjin and yes unfortunately itās not that common or if it is it doesnāt really explore the life and how it can be so complicated. thatās why i love love LOVE the fic star lost with you by @hyunjinspark , she inspired me to start writing tbh haha and i totally recommend reading all of her stuff youāll love it
I am so in love with your writing. I just read all of the stuff youāve written and I canāt believe theyāre all so crazy good. My favourite is definitely pictures of ghosts (you fucked me up) and your latest one fuck it if i canāt have us BUT ALSO DAHLIA IS SO SWEET. AHHHH. Thank you for writing please never stoppp
youāre so sweet i canāt. thank you so much for reading my stuff āŗļø i wonāt stop as long as i get ideas haha
fuck it if i canāt have us
synopsis: when you're scared you just run away, but you go back to what you need
cw: idol!hyunjin, angst, explicit smut, temporary infidelity, alcohol use, smoking, language, emotional themes including jealousy and heartbreak.
You never knew.
You never knew that the night you ended it would carve itself into your bones like one of his half finished paintings, raw edges, smeared colors, impossible to look away from. You never knew how much of you would stay behind in that apartment with him, even after you closed the door and slid down the wood, sobbing until your throat felt like sandpaper.
Two and a half years of loving him in secret had taught you how to disappear, but it never taught you how to stop wanting him.
You worked as a junior event coordinator at Lumiere Productions, a mid sized company that handled logistics for fashion showcases, brand launches and seasonal pop ups in Seoul. Your days were filled with spreadsheets, vendor calls, last minute changes to lighting rigs and making sure the right gift bags landed in the right hands. It wasnāt glamorous. You wore plain black slacks and a company polo, carried a clipboard like a shield and answered emails at 2 a.m. when a floral supplier ghosted you the night before a big luxury event.
Your apartment was small. One bedroom, a tiny kitchen that smelled like instant jjajangmyeon more often than home cooked meals and a balcony barely big enough for two people if you stood close. It was normal. Safe. Invisible.
Hyunjin was the opposite.
Stadiums packed with screaming fans, flights that crossed time zones like they were nothing, brand shoots that kept him in designer clothes from morning until midnight. And for two and a half years, he was yours in the spaces no one else saw.
The beginning had felt like magic. Heād sneak into your apartment after midnight, still buzzing from practice, hoodie pulled low over his eyes. The door would click shut and heād pull you against him before either of you could speak, lips finding yours like heād been starving for the taste of something real. Youād laugh into his mouth when his cold hands slipped under your shirt, complaining about the rain or the long drive while you kissed the complaints away. Those nights were everything. Tangled sheets, his fingers tracing invisible lyrics on your skin, his voice soft as he sang half finished songs just for you.
āI wrote this thinking about your laugh,ā heād murmur, lips brushing your collarbone.
You believed him. You still do. But the cracks started showing around the two year mark. His fame kept climbing. Comebacks stacked like dominoes. Tours swallowed months. The companyās rules tightened. No public anything, no blurry photos, no risks. He started double checking every lock on your door, deleting chat histories the second he left your bed.
āTheyāre watching closer now" heād say, eyes flicking to the window even when the curtains were drawn. Paranoia settled in like fog. Sasaengs had followed him before, rumors could destroy careers in hours and on top of that he loved you too much to let that touch you, and he loved his job too much to let that touch it too, so he hid you even deeper.
You tried to understand. You really did. But understanding didnāt fill the empty weeks when his schedule kept him in Japan or Europe or America. It didnāt stop the ache when you saw fancams of him smiling on stage while you sat alone on your couch, phone silent. It didnāt fix the fights that grew sharper each time he canceled another stolen weekend because āDispatch is sniffing around again. It's too risky baby.. we can't right nowā
The last months were a slow unraveling.
One night he showed up at 1 a.m., exhausted, dark circles carved under his eyes. Youād waited up, reheating the dinner youād made hours earlier. He barely ate two bites before his phone buzzed, another manager reminder about tomorrowās 5 a.m. call time.
āYouāre leaving again?ā Your voice came out smaller than you wanted.
āI have to.ā He reached for your hand but you pulled away.
āYou always have to Hyun, there's no time for us anymore"
He comforted you then, like he always did. And you forgave it and looked past it all as it ate you up anyway, as you always did. And you kissed and cuddled and watched a movie in the middle of the night as that was all the time you had with him before he left again.
-----------------------------------------------
The final night was rain soaked.
The rain sounded like it was trying to wash the whole city away. He showed up at your apartment a little after midnight, soaked to the bone. The black hoodie clung to his broad shoulders, water dripping from the hem onto your floor. His hair was plastered to his forehead, and even in the dim hallway light you could see his eyes were already red rimmed.
He looked like he had run all the way here. You didnāt step aside to let him fully in. You stood in the doorway, arms wrapped around yourself like that could hold your heart together for a few more minutes.
āHyunjin⦠we need to talk.ā He froze, water still running down his face. And he looked so beautiful even in this state.
āBaby whatās wrong? Did something happen?ā
You swallowed hard. The words had been circling in your head for weeks, but saying them out loud felt like swallowing glass.
āI canāt do this anymore.ā
The color drained from his face so fast it was almost visible even in the poor lighting. He stepped forward, reaching for you, but you took a small step back.
āYN, please, donāt say that. Whatever it is, we can fix it. Iāll fix it.ā
You shook your head, tears already burning behind your eyes.
āYou canāt fix this, Hyunjin. Not this time.ā
His voice cracked. āTell me whatās wrong. Please. Iām here. I came as soon as I could.ā
You let out a shaky breath. āThatās exactly the problem. You came as soon as you could, after another eighteen hour schedule, after deleting our texts again. Do you have any idea how much it upsets me of how terrified you always are. Iām tired of waiting weeks just to hear your voice for ten seconds. Iām tired of loving you in the dark while the whole world gets to love you in the light. I know what i signed up for, but I just can't do this anymore Hyun.."
He looked like heās seen a ghost. His face now pale.
āIām protecting you, us. You know that. If they find out about us they will destroy you. Theyāll dig up everything, your job, your family, old photos. Theyāll call you names, make up lies. I canāt let that happen to you.ā
āI know youāre protecting me,ā you said, voice rising despite how much it shook. āBut Iām disappearing, Hyunjin. Every time you leave, I feel smaller. I sit here alone for days, sometimes weeks, wondering if youāre eating, if youāre sleeping, if some sasaeng followed you again and youāre scared. I canāt even post a normal story without worrying it might somehow connect back to you. Iām not living. Iām just⦠waiting. And the waiting is killing me.ā
His hands trembled as he pushed wet hair out of his eyes.
āI hate it too. You think I like sneaking around like this? You think I enjoy telling you I canāt see you because thereās a rumor going around? I love you. God, I love you so much it hurts every time I have to walk away from you. But my life isnāt normal. Itās never going to be.ā
Tears spilled down his cheeks, mixing with the rain still dripping from his hair. āPlease donāt do this. Iāll talk to the company tomorrow. Iāll tell them Iām seeing someone serious. Iāll fight for us. Just⦠give me time. Donāt leave me.ā
āYouāve been saying that for months,ā you whispered, voice cracking. āEvery time we fight, you say youāll fix it. But nothing changes. Because it can't change Hyun, this is it, this is how it has to be. Youāre getting more famous, and Iām getting more invisible. I love you, Hyunjin. I love you so much that itās destroying me. Thatās why I have to let you, us, go.ā
His head dropped. Starring at your feet āDonāt say that. Youāre the only real thing in my life.ā
Your own tears fell freely now. You reached and cupped his wet face with both hands, thumbs brushing over his cheekbones.
āThen why does it feel like Iām already not there? Youāre scared to even call me sometimes. You delete our photos. You look at the door like someoneās going to kick it down every time weāre together. I canāt live like this baby.."
āIām sorry,ā he choked out, voice raw. āIām so fucking sorry. I know Iāve been distant. I know the schedules are insane. But Iām trying. Please⦠donāt throw us away.ā
āIām not throwing us away,ā you said softly, even as your chest caved in. āIām setting you free. And Iām setting myself free. You deserve to focus on your career without the constant fear that someone will find out about me and ruin everything."
He sobbed harder, forehead pressing against yours.
āI canāt lose you. Youāre my home. Every time I leave this building I feel like Iām leaving half of myself behind. Tell me what you need. Tell me how to make this right. Iāll do anything.ā
You stroked his hair, fingers trembling. āI need you to let me go.ā
For a long moment the only sounds were the rain hammering against the windows and his quiet, broken sobs. Then he looked at you, eyes shattered.
āIf I walk out that door tonight, does that mean weāre really over?ā
You nodded and it felt like dying. āYes. Weāre over.ā
He pulled you into his arms one last time. You let him. His wet hoodie soaked through your clothes, but you didnāt care. He held you so tightly it hurt, face buried in your neck as he whispered against your skin.
āI love you. Iāll always love you. Even if you hate me one day. Shit you might even hate me now but I don't care. Even if you find someone else who will love you the way you want him to.ā
You cried into his shoulder, clutching the back of his hoodie. āHow could I ever hate you.ā
He pulled back just enough to kiss you, desperate, salty with tears, full of everything you couldnāt say anymore. When he finally stepped away, he looked smaller than you had ever seen him.
āPlease donāt delete my number,ā he whispered. āIf you ever need anything⦠anything at all⦠call me. I will not bother you.ā
You didnāt answer. You couldnāt. He turned and walked down the hallway. You watched until the elevator doors closed behind him, then slid down your own door, knees to your chest and let the sobs tear through you until your throat felt raw.
--------------------------------------------------------
He never knew pain could settle so deep into the marrow of his bones that every breath felt like borrowing time from a life he no longer recognized as his own.
The night you closed the door between you two his phone buzzed relentlessly in his pocket. His bandmates were worried sick, calling him repeatedly, but he let it vibrate against his thigh until it finally went silent.
When he dragged himself into the elevator of your building the mirrored walls showed a stranger. Eyes swollen, lips trembling, the golden boy reduced to a someone who had just lost the only real thing he had ever kept for himself.
Back at his dorm they were all there, waiting for him, and when he opened the door and they saw his face they instantly knew what had happened. And somehow that made him even more upset. Was it really that obvious? To everyone but him? That this was going to happen sooner or later?
Chan simply poured a glass of water, sat on the edge of the couch and stayed there while Hyunjin stared at nothing. Jisung tried to ask, but Minho looked at him before he managed to get a single word out of his mouth, signalling him to stay quiet. They stayed with him on the couch and all around him in the living room, hugged him as he sobbed again, and then left him alone as they all knew that's what he wanted.
Later, alone in his room, he destroyed the painting he had been working on for your birthday. The soft blues and golds of your silhouette felt like laughing at him under the city lights. He smashed the canvas against the wall until his knuckles split and bled, then crawled into bed still wearing the damp hoodie that smelled like your apartment.
He wasn't mad at you. He was mad at you. It wasn't your fault, he understood this was all too much. He couldn't understand how you could just leave him. He wasn't blaming you. He was blaming you. His head was going to explode.
He pressed his face into the fabric and cried until there was nothing left inside him.
Changbin could hear him from the next room, and there was nothing in the world he wanted to do more than go in his room and stay with him, talk to him, comfort him. But he knew to leave him alone. Let him feel his feelings and process them in his own time and way. The one last thing he had real control over.
The weeks that followed blurred into a gray routine of practice rooms, flights, and stages that felt like performing an autopsy on his own heart. Every song he wrote in the dead of night carried fragments of you.
Half finished lyrics about a lover who left because he had become a cage. He kept your favorite hoodie hidden under his pillow like a secret he was too weak to let go of. At 4 a.m. when the dorm was silent and the city lights bled through the curtains, he would whisper apologies to the dark that no one would ever hear.
He wrote a song about you, named it Lover, and made a music video for it with an actress that looked like a copy of you. And he wished you would listen and see it and somehow change your mind, call him, text him. Anything. But nothing happened. And the realisation that this is real and he has to move on was a hard pill to shallow.
The fame kept growing, bigger arenas, bigger stadiums, louder screams, tighter security, but inside him everything was shrinking. He smiled for the cameras, danced like his body still belonged to him, and went home to an emptiness that echoed louder than any crowd.
A full year dragged by like that. Twelve months of learning how to function while missing you in every quiet moment. The company praised his āmaturity,ā the fans called him their ālover boyā in edits that made his stomach twist. He threw himself harder into work, into painting at odd hours, into anything that kept his hands busy so his mind wouldnāt wander back to your tiny apartment and the way you used to laugh when he would move the furniture in your kitchen so he could dance.
And then Sooah happened.
She was an idol too. Sharp, professional, beautiful in that polished way the industry loved. They met at a late night music show after party, both exhausted and both carrying the same invisible weight of schedules that never ended.
And she understood immediately. The paranoia, the tinted windows, the way every text had to be deleted, the way love had to stay locked behind closed doors. She didnāt ask for public dates or promises he couldnāt keep. She simply slid into the empty space beside him and made the loneliness a little more bearable, or so he thought.
He didnāt love her. Not the way he had loved you, the kind of love that felt like breathing. And it made him feel horrible. He tried, he was trying to love her like he knew she deserved.
Sooah made things⦠okay. Easier. She had a life very similar to his. For the first time in a year the nights didnāt feel quite so endless. He told himself it was enough. He told himself he was moving on.
They would meet at his or her dorm after schedules sometimes. The lights were low, the city humming faintly beyond the windows and her hands would slid under his shirt, nails lightly scraping down his abs as she pushed the fabric up and off.
āGod, I missed this,ā she murmured against his lips, her voice low and breathy. āYou looked so good on stage today⦠but I kept thinking about getting you alone.ā
Hyunjin let out a soft sound and kissed her back, fingers threading through her hair. āYeah⦠long day.ā
āYouāre tense,ā she whispered, lips brushing his jaw. āLet me take care of you tonight hm? No thinking about work. Just us.ā
He nodded, letting himself sink into the heat of it even as a familiar ache tugged at his chest. āOkay⦠yeah, just us.ā
He let himself go, fingers tangling in her hair as he kissed her back.
She was good. Exceptionally good.
Sooah dropped to her knees with fluid grace, looking up at him through dark lashes as she undid his belt and freed his cock.
āLook at you⦠already so hard for me,ā she teased softly, voice husky. āBeen thinking about me too?ā
Before he could answer, she took him into her mouth slowly at first, tongue swirling around the sensitive head before sliding down until he hit the back of her throat. The wet heat, the perfect suction, the soft hum she made around him sent sharp pleasure shooting up his spine.
Hyunjinās head fell back against the door with a groan. āFuck⦠Sooahāā
She worked him with expert rhythm, tight, sloppy, deliberate, her hand stroking what her mouth couldnāt take, occasionally pulling off to lick long stripes along the underside while her other hand gently cupped and massaged his balls.
āYou like that?ā she asked breathlessly between strokes, eyes gleaming. āTell me how good it feels.ā
āSo good,ā he managed, hips twitching as she brought him right to the edge before easing off with a wicked smile. āDonāt stopā¦ā
She stood then, shedding her own clothes with confident efficiency, revealing smooth, glowing skin and toned curves sharpened by years of intense dance practice.
Pushing him backward toward the bed, she straddled his lap, grinding her already slick heat against his cock in slow, teasing circles.
āWant me?ā she whispered, lips brushing his ear. āWant to feel how wet I am for you?ā
āYes,ā he breathed, hands gripping her hips. āNeed you.ā
When she finally sank down onto him, taking every inch in one smooth, deliberate motion, they both moaned. She was tight, warm, and perfectly wet. She rode him with controlled power, rolling her hips in deep, rhythmic waves that made his toes curl, her walls clenching around him on every downstroke.
āHyunjinā¦ā she gasped, voice breaking into a moan. āYou feel so fucking good inside me. I need to go harderā
Her breasts bounced with the movement, and he couldnāt resist leaning forward to capture a nipple between his lips, sucking and biting just hard enough to make her gasp and ride him faster. She flipped them suddenly with surprising strength, pulling him on top.
āFuck me,ā she whispered urgently, legs wrapping high around his waist. āDonāt hold back tonight.ā
Hyunjin thrust into her with deep, steady strokes, angling his hips to hit the spot that made her back arch off the bed and her nails rake down his back hard enough to leave marks. She urged him deeper, moaning his name in that breathy way that sounded like worship.
āRight there ā yes, just like that,ā she cried out. āIām so close⦠come with me.ā
The sex was intense, skilled, and physically overwhelming. Bodies moving in perfect sync, sweat slick skin slapping together, the wet, obscene sounds of her arousal filling the room as she came hard around him, walls fluttering and clenching rhythmically, crying out sharply as her orgasm crashed through her. The feeling of her pulsing and tightening around his cock dragged him over the edge right after her. He buried himself as deep as he could go and spilled inside her with a low, broken groan, hips stuttering through the aftershocks until he was spent.
For those few minutes, it felt incredible. Raw pleasure, expert bodies, mutual release that left them both panting and trembling. Then it ended.
Sooah curled against his chest, satisfied and glowing, pressing a soft kiss to his collarbone.
āThat was perfect⦠you always make me feel so good,ā she murmured sleepily. āStay with me tonight?ā
He hummed in response, stroking her hair. āYeah⦠get some rest.ā
Her breathing quickly evened out into peaceful sleep. Hyunjin lay there staring at the ceiling, the warmth fading fast as the familiar emptiness rushed back in. The physical high crashed hard, leaving only guilt and hollowness behind. Even her soft, content sighs couldnāt fill the space where you used to be.
He waited until her arm loosened around him, then carefully slipped out of bed. He pulled on his boxers and a loose black shirt, padded quietly to the small balcony, and slid the door shut behind him. The night air bit at his skin. He lit a cigarette with trembling fingers. The first drag burned his throat like punishment. He reached for the half empty bottle of soju and took a long pull, letting the smoke and alcohol blur the edges of his guilt.
He thought of you. Always you. You, you, you, always again and again. Guilt rush all over him as his mind went back to you. The way you used to trace the lines of his arms with your fingertip while you lay tangled in her bed. The way you had cried the night you left him and told him you loved him but it has to happen, like breaking your own heart was the only way to save you both.
He didnāt feel saved, he felt broken, and he felt disgusting for leading on the beautiful woman who was now sleeping a few feet away from him, unaware of the fact he was out here smoking, drinking and thinking about his ex who heās still so in love with.
He wondered if you were sleeping okay. If you had found someone who could hold you without fear. If you hated him now. He took another drag, another sip, letting the smoke and the drink blur the edges of the guilt until it was just a dull roar in his chest.
Sooah slept peacefully inside, warm and safe. And Hyunjin stood alone on the balcony, cigarette burning down to his fingers, soju bottle growing lighter, wondering how long he could keep pretending this was enough. For how long he would be leading on this nice girl who didn't deserve to be with such an unhealed asshole like him.
------------------------------------------------------
The first weeks without Hyunjin were a blur of numbness and mechanical routine.
You woke up, made coffee that tasted like nothing, went to work, coordinated events, smiled at colleagues when they asked how your weekend was, and came home to an apartment that still carried traces of him.
Some nights the faint scent of his cologne would linger on the pillow he used to steal, or youād find one of his hoodies buried in the back of your closet that you couldnāt bring yourself to throw away. Youād hold it to your chest for a moment, then shove it back like it burned.
You deleted his contact one night when the silence became unbearable, then restored it the next morning because the thought of never being able to reach him again felt worse. And he had asked you so sweetly not to, how could you.
Work became your only anchor. You showed up early, stayed late, threw yourself into spreadsheets and vendor negotiations like the chaos of luxury fashion events could drown out the ache in your chest. You cried in the shower where the water could wash away the evidence, sobs muffled by the spray so no one, not even your own reflection had to witness how you were falling apart.
Months dragged on like that. Slow and heavy. Then one quiet evening in early spring, your phone lit up with a message from an unexpected number.
āHey⦠itās Minho. Lee Know. I know this is probably weird, but Iāve been thinking about you. Coffee sometime? No pressure.ā
You stared at the text for almost twenty minutes, thumb hovering over the keyboard. Minho had been your friend long before the breakup. All of Hyunjin's bandmates were great and you got to know them slowly, but you became really close with Minho as you shared your love for tv shows, and quickly became friends.
You hadn't talked for a while now after the breakup, Minho had sent a simpe text saying "I'm sorry" which you ignored at the time.
āOkay.ā you answered to his text, finally.
You met him at a small, quiet cafƩ people bearly step foot in on a rainy Tuesday afternoon. Minho looked the same as always, sharp eyes, calm demeanor. He wore a black cap pulled low to hide his face and a plain hoodie, trying his best to blend in. When you sat down, he gave you a small, genuine smile.
āHey,ā he said softly. āThanks for coming. I wasnāt sure if you would.ā
You managed a weak smile in return.
āItās good to see you.ā
He ordered an iced americano and stirred sugar into it slowly while you both eased into conversation. He didnāt push. He didnāt ask about Hyunjin. He simply listened when you eventually started talking, hesitant at first, then letting the words spill out. The emptiness that followed you everywhere, the way normal life now felt colorless and flat, how you sometimes caught yourself checking your phone for messages that would never come.
āI keep waiting for it to stop hurting,ā you admitted āBut it doesnāt. It just⦠changes shape.ā
Minho nodded, eyes soft with understanding.
āThat sounds really heavy. Iām sorry youāre carrying it.ā
He never badmouthed Hyunjin. He never offered opinions or details unless you asked directly, and even then he kept his answers short and neutral.
āHowās he doing? Really.ā
Minho paused mid drinking. His shoulders tensed slightly. He sighed and set the spoon down, looking at you.
āHeās⦠managing,ā he said carefully. āGot a girlfriend a few months ago.ā
Immediate panic across his face.
āShit, I wasnāt supposed to say that. It just came out. Sorry.ā
The words landed like ice water straight to the chest. For a second the entire cafƩ seemed to tilt sideways. You forced a laugh that sounded brittle and wrong.
āReally.. Do I know herā is all that managed to come out of your moth
āShe's an idolā Minho replied with his head down almost embarrassed for not managing to keep this from you.
āAn idol. Of course.ā Your voice came out steadier than you felt. āMakes sense.."
Minhoās expression turned genuinely regretful. āYN⦠I didnāt mean to drop that on you like that. He doesnāt talk about her much. When he does, he just says things are⦠okay.ā
You smiled, but it felt like your face might crack open. The ache in your chest sharpened into something vicious and familiar.
āGood for him,ā you said softly, the words tasting like ash on your tongue. āIām glad he found someone who understands.ā
Minho reached across the table and gave your hand a brief, awkward but sincere squeeze. āYou understood too, getting sick of this lifestyle is a whole different thing.ā
You pulled your hand back gently and looked down at your untouched latte, blinking hard.
āItās fine. Really. Weāve both moved on. This is what I wanted, right? For him to be okay.ā
You left the cafƩ an hour later after you talked a bit more and finished with your coffee, walking home through streets that blurred from your tears. The moment your apartment door closed behind you, the dam broke. You slid down to the floor, back pressed against the wood, you found yourself in this stupid position again, and cried until your eyes swelled shut and your throat felt raw.
You never knew that hearing he had someone else could hurt worse than the night you let him go. The image of him with another girl played on repeat in your mind and made you want to throw up.
But you had no right, right? You were the one who broke up with him a year or so ago. He was begging you and crying at your door and you told him it was over and to let you go. So you have no right to sit here and be upset the most handsome, kind, loving boy you knew found someone else. Someone who understands him. This was your own doing.
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The fashion showcase was supposed to be just another workday, long, exhausting, but familiar.
Lumiere Productions had landed the contract for a major luxury brandās Seoul collection launch: high end evening wear dripping in sequins and velvet, invite only guests who spent more on one outfit than you made in three months, influencers posing for carefully curated content. The venue was breathtaking in that cold, expensive way, a sprawling marble atrium with soaring ceilings, massive floral installations that smelled like imported roses and money, and a runway lit with soft gold spotlights that made everything look like it belonged in a dream.
Your role was pure logistics support. You moved through the venue in your standard black staff uniform, crisp slacks, company polo tucked in neatly, sensible flats that wouldnāt kill your feet after twelve hours, earpiece buzzing constantly with vendor updates.
āLighting rig three is flickering again.ā, āSecurity says the guest list has two extra VIPs who werenāt on the original manifest.ā, āFloral team needs confirmation on the mood board for the centerpieces.ā
You handled it all with the calm professionalism youād perfected over the last year. Double checking every detail, smiling politely at designers who barely glanced at you, making sure the night ran smoothly while staying completely invisible.
You were good at invisible
Tonight was just work. Nothing more. You kept your head down, earpiece in, and focused on the checklist glowing on your tablet.
Until the air shifted.
It happened so suddenly your body reacted before your mind could catch up, that familiar prickle on the back of your neck, the way your pulse slammed against your ribs like it still remembered his name better than your own.
You looked up across the crowded atrium, past the swirl of designer gowns and champagne flutes and marble floors that reflected a thousand tiny lights, and there he was.
Hyunjin. He stood near the edge of the runway like he had been placed there by the universe just to test you. Tailored black suit hugging every line of his body like it had been sewn on by someone who knew every inch of him by heart. The jacket sat perfectly on his broad shoulders, the pants accentuating those long legs and the elegant cut of his waist. His hair was styled back off his forehead, exposing the sharp line of his jaw and the high cheekbones that still made your stomach drop.
Under the warm lighting he looked devastating, sin and heartbreak. How could he possibly get even more beautiful.
His eyes found yours instantly across strangers. The rest of the room dissolved. For one breathless second the distance between you felt paper thin.
His lips parted. Your clipboard slipped in your grip. The tablet nearly clattered to the floor. You could feel your heartbeat in your ears. Heat rushed to your face, followed immediately by the sting of tears you refused to let fall in public.
You turned on your heel and walked fast toward the staff bathroom hallway at the back of the venue, weaving through caterers and security with your head down. The earpiece crackled with another update but you ignored it, ripping it out as you pushed through the plain unmarked door marked āSTAFF ONLY.ā
The moment the heavy door clicked shut behind you, the tears came. You didnāt even make it to a stall at first. You leaned against the cool tiled wall, one hand pressed over your mouth to muffle the sound, and let the sobs rip out of you, ugly, gasping, a full year of suppressed missing and jealousy and self loathing crashing down all at once.
He was here. Looking like that. Probably with her somewhere in the crowd, the woman who understood his world, him. You stumbled into the farthest stall, locked the door with shaking fingers, and sank down onto the closed toilet lid. Forehead pressed to the cool tile wall, you cried until your shoulders shook and your throat burned.
The uniform felt too tight. The fluorescent lights buzzed too loud. Everything hurt. Suddenly a soft knock on the stall door scared you.
āYN?ā His voice, low, raw, too close. It sent a violent shiver down your spine and made fresh tears spill over.
āPlease open the door.ā
You shouldnāt have. You knew that. Opening that door meant stepping back into the fire you had barely survived the first time. But your body betrayed you. Your hand moved anyway, sliding the lock open with a quiet click.
Hyunjin stepped inside immediately, locking the door behind him. The small stall suddenly felt impossibly tiny. The space between you shrank to nothing. His eyes were wide and panicked, the same beautiful dark brown that used to look at you like you were the only real color left in his grayscale world.
Up close you could see the faint shadows under his eyes, the way his jaw clenched like he was barely holding himself together.
āAre you okay?ā he whispered, voice cracking. āYouāre crying ā God, YN, what happened?ā
āAm I okay? Really?ā
Your laugh came out broken and bitter. Tears streamed down your face, probably ruining whatever minimal makeup youād bothered with that day.
āYeah, Iām fantastic, Hyunjin. Thanks for asking.ā
āI will leave if you don't want me hereā he said quietly with his head down.
āYeah, as ifā you replied. You didn't have the right to be angry at him, but how dare he follow you here, right?
āHowās the new girlfriend by the way? Must be so fucking convenient for youā now you were just being mean, and you knew that.
āWhat? How do you know that.ā
āOh Minho accidentally let me know. So happy you found a replacementā
āYN, stop ā please āā
āNo, itās perfect.ā Your voice rose even as it shook, echoing off the tiled walls. āYou found someone who understands the life, right? I bet she never makes you choose between her and your schedules. I hope she makes you so goddamn happy, Hyunjin. I really fucking do. Because apparently I couldnāt. I was just the secret that got too heavy to carry.ā
āWhat the fuck Y/N. You fucking broke up with me, I never wanted us to do this. I begged youā
And then it hit you, you were just being mean, unfair and jealous. You were acting like a fucking child who couldnāt handle the consequences of her own decision.
āIā¦ā Your voice wavered and you immediately dropped the attitude āI know I broke up with you. I don't know what got over me just now. Sorry.ā
Hyunjinās hands clenched at his sides, jaw tight. His eyes were glassy, the same beautiful dark brown now shining with unshed tears.
āYou think it was easy for me?ā he whispered harshly. āYou think I just woke up one day and decided to "replace you"? I spent months barely functioning. I drank too much.ā
Your eyes shot up at his, regretful. You wish you could take that little tantrum you just had back.
āSheās not you. Fuck iām so ashamed for saying this but she will never be you.ā
You let out a bitter, wet laugh, wiping at your ruined mascara with the back of your hand. You shook your head, fresh tears spilling over.
āYou don't have to do this. You don't have to say stuff like this. I was the normal girl who couldnāt keep up. That's itā
Hyunjinās shoulders slumped. He looked exhausted now.
āYou think I wanted easy?ā he asked quietly, āI didnāt want easy. I wanted you. But you told me to let you go. So I tried to respect that. I tried to survive without you.ā
His voice cracked on the last word. He took a shaky breath, hands still clenched at his sides like he was physically stopping himself from reaching for you.
āSooah⦠every time I touch her, I think about you. Every time she falls asleep next to me, I lay there wondering if you are okay. If you are sleeping. If you hate me. If you found someone else.ā
You stared at him, chest aching so sharply it felt like something was cracking open inside you. The thought of him touching anyone but you enraged you, but at the same time the jealousy that had burned hot a minute ago was cooling into something heavier, regret, guilt, and the overwhelming realization that you had both been hurting in parallel for an entire year.
āIām sorry,ā you whispered, voice small. āI didnāt know it was still like that for you. I thought⦠I thought once you had someone who understood yout life, youād finally be able to breathe.ā
āYou were the only thing that ever made sense.ā
Your hands trembled as you reached up and grabbed the front of his suit jacket, the expensive fabric bunching under your fingers.
āI missed you so much it made me sick. Every event I worked, every time I saw a Stray Kids poster or heard one of your songs in a store, I had to pretend it didnāt feel like a knife in my chest. And then Minho accidentally told me about her⦠and I just⦠I lost it. Iām sorry I acted like a child just now. I have no right to be jealous when Iām the one who ended us.ā
Hyunjinās hands finally moved, cupping your face with a gentleness that contrasted sharply with the storm in his eyes. His thumbs brushed away the tears still falling down your cheeks.
āYou have every right,ā he murmured, forehead dropping to rest against yours. āBecause I still belong to you. Even when I tried not to. Even when I told myself I had to move on. I never stopped being yours, YN. Not really.ā
The air in the tiny stall felt too thick, too charged. Your breath mingled with his. The scent of his cologne, the same one that used to linger on your pillows, wrapped around you like a memory you couldnāt escape.
Your fingers tightened in his jacket, pulling him closer until your bodies were pressed together.
āI still love you,ā you whispered, voice breaking. āI tried so hard not to, but I do. So fucking much. Fuck I wish I could just fucking hate youā
Hyunjin made a low, pained sound and kissed you. It wasnāt soft or careful. It was desperate, months and months of suppressed longing crashing together. His lips moved against yours with bruising intensity, tongue sliding hot and urgent into your mouth.
You moaned into the kiss, hands sliding up to grip his hair, tugging sharply the way you knew he liked. He groaned deeply, the sound vibrating against your lips as he backed you against the wall.
His hands roamed, one sliding under your polo to press hot against your bare waist, the other gripping your hip hard enough to leave marks. You could feel how hard he was already, the thick line of his cock pressing insistently against your stomach through his slacks.
āFuck, I missed this,ā he gasped between kisses, lips trailing down your jaw to your neck. He sucked a mark just below your ear, teeth grazing your skin. āMissed the way you taste. Missed the way you pull my hair like you own me.ā
You arched into him, leg hooking around his hip to grind against the hardness straining between you.
āThen show me,ā you breathed, voice shaky with need. āShow me how much you missed me, Hyunjin.ā
His hand slipped higher under your shirt, cupping your breast through your bra, thumb brushing over your nipple until it hardened under his touch. You whimpered, hips rolling against him, the friction making heat pool low in your belly.
āYouāre already so wet for me, arenāt you?ā he murmured against your neck, voice dark and rough. āEven after everything⦠your body still knows exactly who it belongs to.ā
You reached between you and palmed him through his slacks, stroking the thick length. He groaned loudly, hips bucking into your hand.
āYNā¦ā His voice cracked with warning and raw hunger. āNot here. If we keep going I wonāt be able to stop. Iāll fuck you right against this wall and neither of us will care who hears.ā
Your fingers tightened around him, squeezing just enough to make his breath hitch.
āThen donāt stop.ā
He cursed under his breath, forehead pressed to yours, breathing ragged. For a long moment his hand hovered at the button of your skirt, fingers trembling with restraint. Then he caught your wrist, stopping your strokes with a shaky exhale.
āNot here,ā he repeated, voice hoarse. āNot in a bathroom stall where anyone could walk in. I want you properly. I want to take my time with you. I want to hear every sound you make when Iām inside you again.ā
His eyes were dark, pleading, full of a yearās worth of longing.
āMy apartment. Tonight. After the event ends. Please, baby. Come to me. Let me love you the way Iāve been dying to for so long. Let me show you that no one else has ever come close.ā
You stared at him, lips swollen, uniform rumpled, heart hammering so hard you could feel it in your throat. The jealousy and anger had burned away, leaving only raw, aching need and the terrifying certainty that you had never stopped loving him either and you never could. You were cursed, or blessed.
āOkay,ā you whispered, voice trembling. āIāll come.ā
Hyunjin kissed you one last time, slower, deeper, almost reverent. When he finally pulled back his hands lingered on your waist like he was afraid youād disappear the second he let go.
He unlocked the stall door, gave you one last pained, longing look that made your knees weak, and slipped out, leaving you alone with swollen lips, ruined makeup, trembling legs, and a heart that had just remembered exactly how dangerous it was to be in love with him.
--------------------------------------------------
His apartment looked almost the same as you remembered, yet completely ruined.
The floor to ceiling windows still offered that sweeping view of the Han River, city lights glittering like scattered jewels across the dark water. But the air smelled of stale smoke.
Empty soju bottles lined the coffee table and kitchen counter. A half drunk bottle of whiskey sat beside an overflowing ashtray. The large painting you used to love, the soft silhouettes of the two of you under rainy city lights was now gone. In its place leaned a blank canvas slashed with angry black strokes.
You stepped further inside and anger flared again, hot and sudden.
āWhat the hell happened here, is all of this yours?ā
You gestured at the mess of bottles, voice cracking with a mix of fury and worry.
āIt's only just sometimesā
āThis isnāt āsometimes,ā Hyunjin. This looks like every night.ā
He closed the door quietly behind you, shoulders slumped under the suit jacket he still hadnāt removed.
āI drink, I told you,ā he said softly. āIt helpsā.
āHelps?ā
Your voice rose, but the fight quickly drained when you really looked at him, the tremor in his hands, the glassy exhaustion in his eyes.
āYou look so tired. Like you havenāt slept properly in months. Do you even sleep? And since when do you smoke this much? I've barely seen you smoke everā
He didnāt argue. Instead he reached for the pack of cigarettes on the counter with shaking fingers. You stepped closer, heart aching.
āI missed you,ā you whispered. āEvery single day.ā
Tears filled his eyes instantly. They spilled over silently like they begged for you not to see them. He lit the cigarette anyway, but you gently took it from his lips and stubbed it out.
āDonāt,ā you murmured. āNot right now.ā
You kissed him slowly, carefully, like he was something fragile you were afraid to break. He made a soft, shattered sound against your mouth and cupped your face with both hands.
āIām a fucking cheater,ā he whispered, voice breaking. āI told her Iād be with her after the event⦠and instead Iām here with you. I'm so fucking horrible Y/N. Iām a mess. Why would you want to be with meāā
āYouāre not horrible.ā you said softly, kissing the tears from his cheeks. āDonāt talk like that about yourself ever again.ā
He pulled back just enough to look at you, eyes red rimmed and desperate.
āIāll end it with her tomorrow. I swear. I canāt keep doing this⦠pretending anyone else could ever be enough.ā
His fingers trembled as he slowly pushed your shirt off your shoulders, lips following the path with gentle kisses.
āIs Changbin coming home later?ā you asked.
āNoā
Silence.
āTell me you still want this⦠tell me Iām not too late.ā he said finally.
āI want this,ā you breathed, hands sliding into his hair. āI want you. Even if itās messy right now. Even if weāre both scared.ā
āCan I taste you?ā he whispered, voice soft and reverent. āIāve missed you so much⦠I want to feel you on my tongue.ā
You nodded, breath catching. He was so pretty staring at your with his rosy cheeks, as if heās suddenly shy.
āYes⦠please.ā
He pressed a slow kiss to your inner thigh, then another, working his way up until his mouth hovered over your core. He looked up at you the entire time, eyes never leaving yours.
āI love you,ā he murmured against your skin. āI never stopped.ā
Then his tongue found you, warm, gentle, and achingly slow. He licked long, flat stripes up your folds, savoring every inch like he was rediscovering something sacred. When he reached your clit, he circled it softly with the tip of his tongue, humming quietly so the vibration sent gentle waves through you.
You gasped softly, free hand threading through his hair.
āHyunjinā¦ā you whispered, squeezing the hand you were still holding. āThat feels so good⦠I missed this so much.ā
He hummed again in response, the sound warm and loving. His tongue moved with tender precision, slow licks, soft sucks, never rushing. Two of his fingers gently traced your entrance before sliding inside you, curling slowly in a way that made your back arch.
āLook at me, baby,ā he whispered between licks. āI want to see your face when you feel good.ā
You met his gaze, tears pricking your eyes again from the overwhelming emotion. Your joined hands stayed tightly linked the whole time, his thumb stroking the back of your hand in soothing circles.
āYouāre so beautiful like this,ā he murmured, lips brushing against your clit. āSo wet for me⦠so perfect. I could stay here forever.ā
Your breathing grew heavier, soft moans slipping out as the pleasure built slowly, deeply. When you finally came it intense. Your thighs trembled around his head as waves of pleasure washed over you, a soft, trembling moan of his name falling from your lips.
āHyunjin⦠oh god, I love youā¦ā
He stayed with you through every aftershock, pressing soft kisses to your inner thighs and your sensitive folds until you gently tugged him up by your joined hands.
You switched positions so he was lying on his back on the rug. You kissed your way down his chest, then lower, until you were settled between his legs. You took his hand again, lacing your fingers together as you looked up at him.
āI want to make you feel good too,ā you whispered. āI missed tasting you⦠missed hearing the sounds you make.ā
He nodded, eyes already glassy with emotion.
You took him into your mouth slowly, tongue swirling around the head before sliding down as far as you could. You sucked gently, hollowing your cheeks with tender pressure, one hand stroking what your mouth couldnāt reach. Hyunjin let out a soft, broken moan, his free hand gently threading through your hair without pulling.
āBaby⦠fuck, that feels incredible,ā he whispered, voice thick. āYour mouth⦠I missed this so much. Missed seeing you like this.ā
You hummed around him, the vibration making his hips twitch slightly. You kept the pace slow and intimate, eyes looking up at him the whole time, never breaking eye contact.
āI love you,ā you murmured when you pulled off for a moment to kiss the tip. āI love making you feel like this.ā
He squeezed your hand tighter.
āI love you too⦠so much. You have no idea how much Iāve dreamed of this.ā
You continued, soft sucks, slow licks along the underside, gentle strokes with your hand, until his breathing grew ragged and his moans turned into soft, needy whimpers. When he was close, he gently tugged your hand.
āCome here,ā he whispered. āI want to be inside you when I come⦠I need to feel you around me.ā
You crawled back up his body, still holding his hand. Clothes fell away slowly until you were both bare completely. He took your hand and led you to the couch, pulling you down so you were straddling his lap. Your fingers laced together tightly as he looked up at you, eyes shining.
āI missed holding you like this,ā he whispered, squeezing your hands. āI missed feeling your heartbeat against mine.ā
You leaned down and kissed him deeply, slowly. When you finally sank down onto him, taking him inside you inch by inch, you both gasped softly, foreheads pressed together. You knew how much he loved when you took control and used him to pleasure yourself, you knew how much it made him lose his mind.
āOh my godā¦ā he breathed, eyes fluttering shut for a moment before opening again to lock with yours. āYou feel so perfect. You always have.ā
You stayed like that for a long moment, just connected, breathing the same air, hands still tightly intertwined. Then you began to move, slow and deep, rolling your hips in gentle waves. Every thrust was deliberate, intimate. Your joined hands rested against his chest, right over his racing heart.
āHyunjinā¦ā you whispered, voice thick with emotion as you talked to him a breath away from his lips. āI was so scared Iād never feel this again.ā
āI was scared too,ā he answered, voice cracking. He brought your joined hands to his lips and kissed your knuckles. āEvery night I wondered if you still thought about me. I love you so much it hurts.ā
He sat up straighter, wrapping his free arm around your back to hold you closer, chest to chest. Your foreheads stayed pressed together, eyes never leaving each otherās as you rocked slowly in his lap.
āYouāre crying,ā you whispered, brushing your thumb over his wet cheek.
āSo are youā he replied with a soft, watery smile.
āI donāt want to let go of your hand. Not even for a second.ā you said.
He gently laid you on your back on the wide rug on the floor, never breaking the connection. He settled between your legs, still holding one of your hands tightly while the other cradled the side of your face. He moved slowly, deeply.
āLook at me,ā he whispered. āPlease⦠just look at me.ā
You did. Eyes locked, fingers intertwined, you felt every emotion passing between you, love, regret, relief, longing.
āI love you,ā he murmured against your lips with every slow thrust. āI love you⦠I love youā¦ā
āI love you too,ā you whispered back, squeezing his hand tighter. āSo much. Donāt let go.ā
He didnāt. Not once.
When your pleasure finally built and crested, it was gentle and overwhelming at the same time. You came with a soft, trembling moan, walls fluttering around him as you clung to his hand.
You knew very well what to do to make him instantly come right after you, as you placed your hands on his neck and squeezed slightly.
āFuck baby, harder. Do it harderā
And you choked him harder, riding him again, right there on the floor.
āDoes she know you like that? Can she make you come in a second like I do?ā you said, boldly, you didnāt know what came over you again.
He moaned loudly and rolled his eyes back. You knew him so well.
āNo baby. No. Just you. Only you knowā he replied through grunts.
He threw his head back as he spilled inside you with a loud sexy moan that made you want to live in his skin.
āYN⦠fuck, I love you⦠I love you so muchā¦ā
He stayed inside, both of you breathing hard, still holding hands. You rolled carefully onto the side, and he pulled you with him so you were facing each other, legs tangled.
āI donāt deserve this,ā he whispered, tears still slipping down his cheeks. āBut Iām so grateful youāre here.ā
You brought your joined hands to your lips and kissed his knuckles.
āWeāll figure it out,ā you said softly. āTogether this time.ā
He nodded, pressing his forehead to yours again, thumb stroking the back of your hand.
āYou know,ā you said āWhen you released Lover I almost called youā you admitted.
āWhat?ā
āItās a really beautiful song Hyun.. I am so sorryā
He signed.
āThereās nothing to be sorry forā he replied, but you insisted.
āNo, Hyun, there is. I was overwhelmed and angry and annoyed and felt overlooked but pushing you away was stupid. Look what I did to you, look what I did to my own selfā you kissed him randomly out of frustration, hard, cupping his face like he was going to disappear if you didnāt hold him.
āYou needed a break from my shit, thatās okay..ā
He was still so sweet even though you turned his world upside down in the worst way possible. And it broke your heart, you almost wish he would be angry and mean.
āNever again baby, I choose you and me, religiouslyā
star lost with you | hyunjin au | part 21
pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader genre:Ā friends to lovers, so muchĀ angst,Ā smut, fluff, set in the idolverse,Ā mutual pining,Ā unrequited love, forbidden romance,Ā slowburnĀ (!!!) soulmate au,Ā star-crossed lovers synopsis:Ā working in a quaint little art store, youāve had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but youāve never met somebody like him.Ā there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again. he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that heās always wanted to, but what he didnāt anticipate was meeting you. hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned.Ā word count:Ā 38K warnings:Ā explicit content, angst, sexual tension, dual pov, making out, multiple explicit scenes, dirty talk, drinking, grinding, dry humping, unprotected sex, fingering, quite a lot of jealousy, mature language, fluff, mentions of the word cock a/n:Ā im so excited for this part, one of my favorites to write and definitely a big one for their story arc. very big for hyunyn. it gets down and dirty but also very cheesy. no spoilers but the happiest chapter ive written so (the name of the chapter is i wanna be yours)... i even made a pinterest board specifically for it. please ignore any inconsistencies with van gogh museum and all the real locations. please get comfy and enjoy this and I can't wait to hear what you think of it. you can listen to my star lost playlist that i curated like crazyĀ here! important:Ā all works are fiction, and do not in any way represent the real personalities or real people, they exist only as faceclaims, and are fictional characters.
masterlist
There was an imprint on your couch in the shape of his body. It was a cheap couch, and maybe the only thing that it was good for was memorizing your lover's presence.
It had been irresponsible not to sleep, to stay awake kissing him, but you knew not much of restraint. When it came to Hyunjin, not much at all.
The buzz of last night had not worn off yet. His flight was only in a few hours, and he spent every last minute on your couch, tangled up in your pillows and blanket. Paint had dried in uneven patches on the floor, your canvases left unfinished. You couldn't feel too guilty about leaving them undone, not when he felt you up the entire night instead. His head was resting in the crook of your neck when he dejectedly mumbled, his voice muffled by your skin, "I should go home now, get my things."
"I'll miss you." You managed to say, and you'd made your home on his lap. Being so close to him, so casually, felt like coming undone after a lifetime of waiting. Something sweet bloomed in your chest, and you'd never felt fulfilment of this kind before. The boy of your dreams had kissed you then, and his lips were perfect on yours. Like puzzle pieces, they fit together, slotting themselves so wonderfully between yours. You had been kissed many times in your life, but never like this.Ā
"Get some sleep. I'll see you in a few days when I'm back." His hands settled on your waist, and you were surprised there wasn't an impression of them on your body, with how long and carefully he'd held you.Ā
You had to conceal your sadness at seeing him go, but he'd just surprised you with the best gift ever and the happiness of that spilled through all your cracks of sorrow. In the space between you, he'd pulled you even closer, squeezing your thigh, "Don't miss me too much on your trip, okay?"
After he left, you waited by your kitchen window, pulling your blanket tighter around yourself, barefoot on the cold floor. If you stood in the corner, you could see where his car was parked. It was at the end of the street, away from prying eyes, far enough away that no spectators should connect it to you or your apartment building. ā You wanted to crack your window open, call out his name, but that would be stupid so you bit your tongue. In the light of dawn, he walked over to his car, hand hovering on the handle but he didn't go in, not yet. You wondered if something was wrong. If he forgot something.
But then, he turned around, eyes searching your apartment building's facade. You could see him do the math in his head, figuring out your floor and apartment number and then to your surprise, his eyes met yours.
You doubt he could truly see you, so far away, your silhouette only lit by the kitchen light. But it was as if he knew you could see him. As if he could feel your presence from even so far away. His gaze lingered on your window, on you, and he faintly smiled.Ā
»»āāāā-
Your neighbour Jeongin was home at odd hours of the day. So, you knew you could count on him to be there when you knocked early in the afternoon of a work day, a big batch of jajangmeyon in your hands. He opened the door, a wide smile plastered on his pretty face. His eyes lit up, "I was wondering what smelled so good."
"Hope you didn't already eat. I'm travelling tomorrow and thought I'd make use of my leftovers." You said, holding the bowl up like a prize. Jeongin laughed, "I just got off a work call, and I was starving. Perfect timing. Come on in."
You slipped off your boots and followed him in like you had a dozen times before, moving easily through the space. By the time he grabbed bowls, you were already in his kitchen, pulling out chopsticks with familiarity. āSo." He said, leaning against the counter as he poured you both soda, āWhere are you going?ā
"A trip for my birthday." You couldnāt stop the smile. It had been sitting on your face for days now, and you weren't one to brag but you wanted to scream this from the rooftops. His head snapped up, āNo way. When were you planning on telling me it was your birthday?ā
āTrust me, this is not a usual thing. I havenāt properly celebrated in years.ā You laughed. āWell.ā He said, already digging in, āGood for you. Seriously. I hope itās amazing.ā
It didn't feel like your life. These kind of things didn't happen to you. "Thank you." You sipped on the soda, looking at him, "Iā¦I'm very excited, kinda anxious like something's gonna go wrong, but I think that's just my overthinking." He slurped through his next bite, and you're happy he's comfortable with you enough to do that, sauce staining his lips, "Hey, at least you're self-aware. I'm sure it'll be great, and I can't wait to hear all about it."
He talked about work as you ate, about all the troubles of corporate life, and work drama that you never fully understood, but you listened anyway, offering him advice from what you knew best. After all, you'd dealt with a fair share of drama recently.Ā
"Soā¦I have a question." He started to say as he finished his bowl. You glanced up, curious, "Yeah?" You'd like to say you were comfortable enough to just ask each other what was on your mind, instead of prefacing it like that.Ā "The guy that visited you last weekā¦" He started, "The one I met in the stairwell a few months ago, are you dating him?"
You swallowed your bite, thinking it through. There were only two other people who knew about you and Hyunjin. Jeongin was smart enough to put two and two together, and even if you denied it, he'd probably figured it out already. He wasn't really a threat. In fact, his knowing might be a good thing.
"You don't have to tell me. I'm just curious." He added. You nodded, trying to not make it a bigger deal than it was but who were you kidding? You could never be casual about Hyunjin. "Yeah. I am."
Recognition flashed through his eyes, almost a satisfying feeling sinking into his stature, like he just needed that confirmation from you, "I've seen his car around a lot. It makes sense. Although, he shows up in a different car everytime. At first, I thought you were just seeing multiple guys butā¦" He laughed, "This makes sense."
"Oh my god, no." You felt embarrassed, staring down at the leftovers in your bowl. "The cars belong to his company andā¦yeah. I'm surprised you noticed. So I have to assume you've been spying on me?"
He laughed, throwing his head back, "I have nothing else to do but look out the window wistfully all day. Work isn't nearly as interesting as your life seems."
"Oh, my life is not interesting." You stated, taking a long sip of the soda, feeling the bubbles on your tongue. He raised an eyebrow, "If you say so."
You finished the last of your ramyeon, settling against his couch, wondering what Hyunjin was up to now. You hadn't talked in a few days, except for the rare texts exchanged in the middle of the night. He'd been so busy with all of his responsibilities and schedule. It seemed like Fashion Week was a beast to tackle, even for someone like him. It also didn't help that he was in a completely different timezone, on the other side of the world.
"What does he do for work?" Jeongin asked. He definitely seemed like the type of person who couldn't care less about idols. "He's in⦠entertainment." You offered a morsel of information. He nodded, considering it, "He has one of those faces."
"What do you mean?" He shrugged, a smile pulling at his lips, "Like the kind of guyā¦you'd walk past in a mall and nudge your friends about. Someone you'd hear got scouted on the street, and everyone would wonder if that really happens to real people. Symmetrical. Tall. Well-dressed. I mean, I only saw him for a few seconds, but I can tell that much."
"Symmetrical?" You laughed, "I suppose you're right."
"And, have you redecorated your apartment yet after you threw out all your artwork?" He asked. You shook your head, feeling a twinge of guilt at your breakdown all those months ago. Maybe you had overreacted, but in that moment it had felt like your biggest heartbreak. "No. But I'm in the process of it. He's actually helping me out. I think I want to do a crazy project like paint my walls a different color, and I know I'll probably lose my security deposit, but I'm a bit tired of the beige. Maybe he can help me with that."
"Oh, he's perfect for you." Jeongin grinned. You smiled, getting up to wash your empty bowls of ramyeon, "And what's going on with you? Did you ever talk to the cute girl from work?"
He shook his head, coming to join you in the kitchen, "Dating is hopeless in the city, Y/N. You're one of the lucky ones."
"Really?" You asked. He nodded, handing you the second bowl, "Yeah, nothing's exclusive. I'm not an old-fashioned guy but some things should be sacred. Literally everybody's dating everyone. All of my friends have dated each other. It's strange. Which is why I assumed you had a line-up of guys."
"That would not even be me." You laughed, as you ran the utensils under water, "I can only be in love with one person at a time.ā Jeongin's eyes widened, "Wow. You're serious about him.ā You looked up at him, suddenly feeling like you might have overshared, "Iā¦I just meanā"
"You look pale. Relax." He laughed, coming to stand next to you, "Is it your first time saying that out loud?"
"No, it's justā¦I haven't told him yet." You admitted. Jeongin frowned, curious, āWhy?" You'd said it in so many ways, just never directly, never in the way it truly mattered. If he did something like this for you, buying you a freaking trip to your favorite art museum in another city, he obviously must feel the same right? But nobody had ever told you they loved you, not romantically, not in that way. Nobody but Felix. But Hyunjin and Felix were so far apart, and to compare them would be an exercise in futility. So how could you say it to him, and hope to hear it back?
"He might not feel the same. Love is a big word." You said, pretending like this wasn't the most important thing to you. Maybe that ramyeon you'd shared had been spiked with the truth serum as you blurted, "I'm scared of saying it. It feels like I've bared my soul to him, and that's the last thing I have left to give." You shook your head. Jeongin didn't want to hear any of this. You shrugged, "Like you said, dating is hard."
"That's different. I mean, this guy could be your soulmate." Jeongin beamed, his eyes crinkling in a teasing way. You stilled at the term, gut twisting at the intensity of it.
Soulmate. Your friends had joked about it to you often, regarding your summer infatuation with the boy. They hadn't meant it though. It was an exaggeration, clearly. You didn't really believe in it either.
Then why did your heart just jump madly at just the thought? It would be naive to think he was the one for you, so early into dating, and you'd tried to leave silly thoughts like that behind in your teenage years. But surely, some people had soulmates. And if the concept were real, who's to say he wasn't yours?
The way everything had led you to him couldn't be a mere coincidence . All those years ago you'd seen himā¦and you'd loved him since then. You'd never had a flair for the dramatic, but your souls really did feel intertwined. It was a lot, especially for a casual afternoon with your neighbor. You glanced at the soapy foam on your hands, "I wouldn't say that. That'sā¦a big word." Jeongin laughed, "I was joking, obviously. That's the stuff of fairytales. It isn't real.ā
He then kept talking, divulging into the terrible dates he'd had, but his voice blurred into your thoughts. All you could think about was that word - soulmate - and how it was supposed to be bullshit but Hyunjin embodied all of it for you. It settled somewhere deep, somewhere you couldnāt quite justify, no matter how hard you tried to push it away. You trusted that things would work out between you, but believing this might be the fastest way of jinxing it. Of hexing the lovely relationship you'd built with Hyunjin. You would only set yourself up for heartbreak by thinking things like this.
You'd always embraced your feelings for him. It had been second nature, but for the first time, the extent of how intertwined your being was with him didn't thrill you, it terrified you.
»»āāāā-
Karina owned many art galleries across Seoul. You'd heard it from everyone. Your ex-professor, Nate, and even Hyunjin, but when she invited you to meet her at Seoul Arts Center, you realised just how much of a big deal she was. You'd been meaning to visit the gallery in all the months you'd been here, but time slipped away from you, and now this all felt pretty serendipitous.Ā
Karina was already waiting for you in the foyer. She smiled when she saw you, "Thank you for coming in to see me. I know it's a weekend, and you probably have better things you could be doing.ā For the first time in your life, that was right. You had so much going on now.
You were leaving for your trip tonight, and it came with a whirlwind of preparation. It had all snuck up on you. You hadn't traveled like this in a while, the furthest being your trips to Jeju Island with Yongbok. There was so much to do in such less time but you'd spent years of your life whiling away in Daejon, so you cherished being busy now.Ā
You walked over to Karina, unravelling your scarf, the one Hyunjin had lent you that night on the rooftop and bunched it tightly in your hands. It had been snowing on your way here, and you're glad you had a piece of him to keep you warm. You smiled at her, "I'm very happy to be here. I should be thanking you for finally giving me an excuse to visit this gallery."
Karina was really pretty, and if she weren't an art gallery curator, you could almost see her as an actress. Dark hair, pink cheeks, she was classy in a way you would expect a city artist to be. When Hyunjin had first mentioned her, the prodigy Karina, the envy had crawled into you and you hadn't even known what she looked like. She represented the epitome of what you'd aspired for, like all the artists who visited the Chateau for all those fancy events.Ā
Today, she had prepared a little tour for you, and the gallery was beautiful. It's modern, yet whimsical. People were unloading art from crates, in preparation for an exhibition, unwrapping them from their bubblewrap. This is the first time you're so close to actual expensive, precious art and you watched the process in awe. Karina was smiling at all the employees in passing as she said, "We're a small team here, but we make it work."
You'd brought your drawings for her to see, and you reached into your bag, handing it off to Karina. It was such a routine part of the process, for her to evaluate your portfolio, but as you stood in the center of the gallery and she looked through your life's work, it felt like you were giving her a piece of your soul.Ā
You tried not to let it get to you, as she flipped through. All of your sketches were a window to who you were, glimpses of your personality and she was judging them. You wish you could read her mind as she paused on certain pages, hands hovering over the sketches like trying to recreate your strokes. So many of your recent pieces were drawn after you'd met Hyunjin. They were so cheesy, so hopeful, so in love. Could she feel him through your art? To you, they screamed his name. They couldn't have been about anybody else. After what felt like an eternity, she smiled, "I almost wish I could recruit you as an artist. Youā¦you have a talent, Y/N."
You were in disbelief, when anybody complimented your art especially someone as important as her. But you'd learn to take them as they meant, trying not to overthink them, "Thank you. That means so much coming from you."
"I mean, I wouldn't expect any less. You were in the apprenticeship. It's one of the most competitive programs in the country." She said, handing you your book back. Your memories of the apprenticeship and the Atelier are bittersweet, but it's certainly done great for you in terms of recognition. You nodded, holding your book tightly in your hands, "Right. I certainly feel like I worked my entire life to get there, but it just didn't work out. Since then, I've been trying to figure out where I fit in the art scene in the city. There's so much going on andā¦I would love to be a part of growing it, and contributing to it."
Karina smiled as she listened to you, leading you to the gallery cafe, "It seems like you'd enjoy talking to people. We have so many events here. We could definitely use some of that here."
"What kind of events do you have?"Ā
"A lot of exhibitions." Karina handed you an iced coffee, "We feature a different artist every month, it's a very selective and arduous process to get into this gallery. I think you could be great at helping me run those events, interacting with people, making sure they're having a good time. I know it's not ideal, but it's a great way for you to meet other artists."
"That sounds perfect." You smiled, and you're not one to reject a blessing. You've been struggling to find your footing for months, and this opportunity couldn't come at a more perfect time. You asked her, "When could I start? I'm travelling for a few days, but I could begin on Wednesday."
She sipped on her coffee, a smile at your eagerness and you hope she doesn't mistake it for desperation, "That sounds good. And to be transparent, I am speaking with a few other people but I have no doubt you'd be perfect for it. By the time you're back from your travel, you'll have a clear answer."
You weren't expecting to compete with others but nothing comes easy in this city. It will give you something to be anxious about, but also something to look forward to.Ā You fucked up your chances at the Atelier, and this is your way to prove yourself, to really feel like you belong. You're going to cherish this second chance and give it everything you've got.
»»āāāā-
Airport anxiety is real. That has to be why your stomach feels like this. Definitely that, and not the TV in the airport bar with your boyfriendās face on it.
Your grip on your suitcase tightened as you moved closer, staring at the small television that nobody but you seemed to notice. The bar was crowded, even at five in the morning. One of those moments where time doesn't feel real. A group of friends sat inside, drinking beer and they have a lot of luggage next them, and they're in matching soccer jerseys. The air smelled of tortilla chips and guacamole. They seemed to be having a good time, which is why no one cared about Hyunjin's face on the airport TV.
It's muted, so you can only read the headlines. International star Hwang Hyunjin arrives at Copenhagen Fashion Week.
They're playing a video of him on repeat. He's surrounded by hundreds of people, as he's walking into a venue. For half a second, you hadn't even recognized him. The stylists have completely transformed him. His hair was different, and his makeup is so intense. He looked like an alter ego version of himself. He's completely surrounded by security and press and cameras. There's at least six security guards around him, matching his every step and move. Their presence in itself would have made you nervous. It's overwhelming to even watch.Ā
You don't know how he does it, and how he does it looking so good. For your sake, you hope they change the channel so you don't end up missing your flight. You would shamelessly stare at him for hours.
"Excuse me." The voice cuts through your thoughts, but it takes you a second to register itās meant for you. He has to tap your shoulder before you finally turn. A boy around your age was standing there, smiling. Headphones hang around his neck, a camera bag slung over his shoulder. You blinked at him, a little thrown off, unsure what he wanted. He tilt his head, "You in line?"
You glanced behind you and realized youāre blocking the entrance to the bar. You were so captivated by the man on the TV. You can't help it. The stranger was staring at you expectantly, and he had a kind face. The words took too long to come to you, and you blurted, "No, I'm not in line. Sorry, I was justā¦looking." Something akin to amusement settled into his features, and he quipped, "Right. Probably smart to not drink before an international flight."
"How do you know that?" You asked, almost defensively. A smile overtook his features, "Your baggage tag. I'm flying there too. Well, Paris actually for work, but I have a layover in Amsterdam.ā Your eyes flicked back up. āOh."Ā
Work in Paris sounded fancy, and you wondered what he did. Before you could even ask, he walked into the bar, joining the soccer team. You glanced back at the TV, but a baseball match was on now. It looked like someone had changed the channel after all. Hyunjin wasn't on anymore.
There was a strange feeling in your chest. It felt surreal to see him like this, out in the open, for everyone's eyes to feast on. He clearly had so much going on. It's a good thing you'll get busy too, so you can occupy your thoughts with something other than him.
You're only taking a small suitcase with you, most of it filled with your sketchbook and your brushes. It's cold this time of year, so your sweaters, skirts and a new pair of tights are crammed into your backpack. You're wearing your thickest coat, and it's a deep burgundy and falls to your thighs and it definitely looks more expensive than it is. You don't know the definition of travelling light, but you make sure to leave some space. Youāll want to bring things back for your friends.
Nobody knows you're leaving the country. Holding onto such a big secret makes you feel mysterious. You'll tell them, when you're back, when you surprise Yeonjun with a souvenir, when you show Minnie and Nate all of the Van Gogh postcards you bought them. But for now, holding onto this secret excited you. This break is exactly what you needed, to clear your head, and come back a better artist. You texted Hyunjin to let him know that you'd made it to the airport. He's obviously busy so you don't expect him to reply right away.
When you're at your gate waiting, there's only so much you can do. You can't stop thinking about the video on TV. The way his hair was styled, strands falling into his face while the rest of it was slicked back, his extravagant outfit, the effortless smile he greeted all the people with. He knew the effect he had on them. It was all so sexy. He was so charming. It was only for a few seconds but you feel a withdrawal. So, you downloaded an app you never use.Ā All you have to do is type in his name. You don't ever do this.
Dozens of pictures and videos flooded your phone, as if he'd been captured every second he breathed. You can understand, because if you were a photographer you'd also want to capture each second of Hwang Hyunjin, to remember that moment for all of time.Ā
A new video popped up. It was from inside the venue, and he's sitting in the front row. Your brain is working on overtime, registering all you can about him from the little clip.
Hyunjin sat in the front, designer sunglasses pushed atop his head, as he watched every model walk by. He looked so effortless, like he belonged there and there was no question about it. Dressed in a leather jacket, a loose tie hung around his neck bedazzled with silver brooches. He tugged at his tie, adjusting it casually, hand resting on his thigh as his eyes followed the models walking. Goosebumps rippled up your arm, and you tugged your hoodie around yourself tighter.
He looked so incredibly hot, like a rockstar reincarnated from the 80s.
He's surrounded by A-listers, a supermodel and an actress on each side of him. You don't know much, but one of them looks like exactly like a Victorias Secret angel. They're insanely beautiful and your stomach twisted with a new kind of envy. God, they're lucky to be sitting next to him. They probably don't even realise how incredible he is. And Hyunjin certainly knew how important they were. You could see it in the way he talked to them, so respectful as usual. He said something, and the girls by his side laughed. What was so funny? You can't hear it because the music is far too loud.Ā
A strange jealousy overtook you. You sank further into your seat as your feed filled with more videos. Hook, line and sinker you took the bait ā you watched every single one. His charisma felt so different. More for show, more outgoing, more⦠flashy. It suit him.
This is the first time you'd seen the true effects of Hyunjin's fame. Yeah, you knew about the sold-out shows, had seen enough billboards in Seoul, but this was different. He was a superstar, in every sense of the word. Watching him felt like a drug. Sinful, to be able to observe your lover from so far away. He didn't have his phone on him, but you texted it anyway, so he could read it after.
i wish you could see yourself. i saw some pictures of you at the show. you're absolutely perfect.Ā
The flight announcement pulled you out of your trance. Your thoughts were still fuzzy with him as you boarded your plane. So much for him not distracting you.
You were wheeling your suitcase down the narrow aisle, the plastic wheels stuttering every few steps. A flight attendant's voice weaved through the cabin. But you're thinking about all of those pictures. You wish you saved some of them, so you could look at them on the plane over and over for the next eight hours.Ā
Suddenly, it felt unfair. The access you'd just had to him. Watching him like that.Ā Like you were keeping tabs on him. Was it weird? One of the first things Hyunjin liked about you was how unassuming you were of that world. How you never treated him like something to consume.
You pulled your phone out again, staring at the messages youād sent him. They looked frustratingly stupid now. Invasive, even. Maybe you shouldn't have texted him all of that.
Someone bumped into you, with enough force that the phone slipped from your fingers, clattering against the floor with a thud.
"Shit, I'm so sorry!" He said. You looked up and recognized him immediately. The boy from the bar. The headphones still hung around his neck, slightly askew now, like heād rushed over. He was already on his knees, reaching under the seats.
āYou donāt have toāā You said, kneeling too, āIām sorry, I wasnāt paying attention.ā āItās my fault.ā He said quickly, retrieving your phone and holding it out to you. You glanced at it, and sure enough the screen was shattered. āThatās fine.ā You said, a little too fast.
āIs this your seat?ā He asked, standing, glancing at the row. You straightened, suddenly aware of the line backed up behind you, people waiting, "Yeah. 4D." "Would you look at that?" He held his boarding pass up to you, with a big smile, "I'm 4C. Need help with your bag?ā You shook your head quickly, āI got it.ā
You lifted it into the overhead bin, arms straining slightly, regretting the massive paint supplies you'd packed, then dropped into your seat by the window. āShit.ā The stranger muttered beside you as he sat down, glancing over. āIt did break.ā
āItās fine, it's not your fault.ā You couldn't let yourself be upset about this, not when you had so much to look forward to. You glanced out the window, at the runway. It was still dark out, but the sun was rising in the distance. You could only imagine the sights you'd see.Ā
Hyunjin knew you so well. Even with something so simple as picking your seat, he knew you'd want to stare out at the world below. You tucked your phone into your pocket and pulled your sketchbook out of your bag. You should probably rest, it was a long journey ahead, but the anticipation kept you awake for hours.
»»āāāā-
"Hyunjin. Are you even listening to what I'm saying?"
The passing city of Copenhagen, through his car window, was far more interesting than anything his manager could be saying right now. It was all tall glass buildings, like home, but it was also historical, cathedrals bigger than anything he could dream up. He'd seen rows of houses of all different colors and he wondered why home wasn't so whimsical. If he lived here, he could be happier and inspired every day.
He glanced at his manager across him. They'd rented a big car, the kind that allowed people to sit facing each other. He almost wished it wasn't so because the disappointment on Eunwoo's face was new. Hyunjin asked, "Sorry. What did you just say?"
"Where's your head at, kid?" Eunwoo's eyebrows furrowed. He looked more put together than Hyunjin, in his three-piece suit and he wondered why he chose to dress so formally when he didn't even have to take pictures. Eunwoo continued, "I was saying they want some more interviews tonight. You might have to do some in English. Is that okay?"
"Oh. Sure." He nodded, and Eunwoo typed away on his phone, probably RSVPing to everyone. Hyunjin could tell how stressed his manager was, there was a lot to organize and he would give him grace for well he'd managed everything until now. Eunwoo's fingers flew over the phone as he sent some emails and said, "There's a long line of media outlets dying to speak to you."
He nodded, squeezing his own thigh, grounding himself to the moment, "Yes. Yes, that's okay." He then looked back out at the city. He hadn't had a chance to step out on his own, but he wasn't complaining, not when he's instead been getting to dine inside castles and in the company of legendary artists.Ā
It was cold, and he could imagine how perfect the city would feel if it was the summer. He heard the days were 18-hour long in the summers, and they must be grateful to experience something very few humans could. Still, it'd be hard for any summer to beat the one that he'd just spent in Daejon with you. Eunwoo followed his gaze, "Isn't the city so pretty?"
They were in the van on their way to another Fashion Week event. The main show had already happened but the obligations were far from over. He was meant to attend an afterparty, a dinner for the talent, and yet another afterparty. Hyunjin was exhausted, but he wouldn't complain. His job forced him to party. He was thankful, that even though it was demanding, it wasn't impossible. People had tougher and more dangerous jobs, and he was lucky as hell. He shot Eunwoo a smile, "Will we get time to explore, you think?"
"Not sure. For your sake, I hope you do." He sighed. If he wasn't much older than him, and if he wasn't his boss, they could have been great friends. Hyunjin looked away from the view long enough to glance at his phone.Ā
There was a pit in his stomach as he stared at it. He knew you must have already arrived and he hadn't had a single second to talk to you since he'd seen you at your apartment. His life for the past few days had been ruled by Eunwoo and the company. Even what time he woke up, what time he ate and went to the hotel gym. Eunwoo was there for all of it. If it was up to him, he'd follow him into the shower. He should be able to make time for you. But he couldn't let his guilt ruin his night. He's a professional and he can separate his personal life from his job. He was sure you'd understand. You knew what you were signing up for, even if a few days of no communication drove him insane.
"We're here. Fix your hair." Eunwoo said. Hyunjin pushed his phone in his pocket, and glanced at his reflection in the window. His hair was disheveled. He must have ran his hands through it. He fixed it, and immediately felt bad for the stylist that spent an hour on it this morning. They'd been up at four a.m. just for him, and he had absentmindedly ruined their work.Ā
His reflection blurred, and his eyes fell on the enormous castle outside.Ā
Frederiksborg Castle was beautiful. The building rose in layers of red brick, with green copper roofs. He wondered how people had the skill and patience to create this. He couldn't imagine doing something like that. The symmetry of it felt intentional in a way that bordered on obsessive, like someone sketched it over and over until it finally aligned with whatever lived in their head. It remind him of you.
The lake bordering the castle extended far. In the reflection of the water, the castle walls blurred, trembling as the water moved. It was so peaceful. His pulse calmed down, and he couldn't wait to explore.
The car came to a stop and Eunwoo hopped out first. As soon as the door opened, the peaceful silence was gone. A deafening amount of screams pierced his ears. He should be used to it by now, but he was always surprised. Eunwoo held the door open for him, waiting. Hyunjin stepped out, smiling at the excitement of the crowd through the endless flashes.
He felt out of place, such a small artist in such a grand place yet there were easily hundreds of people here, screaming his name. They dropped everything else they were doing, to wait for hours just to get a glimpse of him. It was a kind of sacrifice he wouldn't ask anybody to make. Back when he was younger, he might have considered doing the same for his favorite artists, but he didn't have the same patience.Ā
He smiled at the crowd, trying to remember every face, trying to read every poster as they walked to the castle. He reached out, brushing his hand against the ones stretched toward him, but Eunwoo kept him moving, guiding him through too quickly. Guilt washed over him when he missed people, when he didn't make eye contact and didn't get time to talk to anyone.Ā
His gaze fell on a little girl in the crowd. She couldn't be more than 7. She must have been here for hours. He immediately stopped walking. She held out a picture of him, one from his earlier days of being a star and she had sketched it herself. She was adorable, holding a pink marker in her other hand. He smiled at her, bending down to her height, and he could tell she was nervous.
His voice dropped, trying to tune out all the noises, "What's your name? Don't be nervous." "Freya. I drew this for you." She smiled. He grinned, drawing a heart on the poster, "Unfortunately I can't take this, but that's such a pretty name." Eunwoo must have realized Hyunjin wasn't behind him because he suddenly felt a sharp tug on his arm, "Come on, Hyunjin! We can't stop."
Hyunjin stood up, realizing there were others looking expectantly at him, and he couldn't possibly do that for everyone here. Maybe he made the wrong decision, but the little girl seemed so happy. Before he could ponder on his choices, Eunwoo tugged him away from the barricade, "Everyone's inside. We can't keep them waiting too long."
"But, they've been waiting too." He said, hopelessly. Eunwoo sighed, "And that's great for them, but they didn't pay for you to be here. We have to go inside and meet everyone. You can't just walk into a crowd. Someone could have the wrong intentions."
Hyunjin resisted the urge to roll his eyes, because there were far too many cameras on him, whispering, "Nobody here is trying to hurt me."
He followed Eunwoo inside the castle. The party was in the Great Hall. It didn't even need any decoration, the architecture itself was insane. He couldn't help but gape at the tall ceilings, being led by Eunwoo through the crowd of celebrities and press. It was loud, abuzz with chatter in at least ten different languages.
He greeted everyone with a warm smile.Ā But he kept getting distracted by the art around him. The small plaques beneath them he tried to read as he passed, catching only fragments before being pulled along again. He wondered if the entire castle was open to them, to explore.Ā
After what felt like hours of small talk and photos, he finally found a moment to step away, slipping toward the corner of the room. Like a wallflower, he watched the party. Everyone was busy greeting, posing, talking over each other. So many familiar faces. His manager was across the hall with the press, mid-conversation.
For the first time that night, no one was looking at him. The perfect time to slip away.
So he followed the grand corridors, until he found himself in a chapel of sorts. The ceilings were grand, and a gasp left him at the beauty of it. He felt like the smallest person ever in the grandeur of this castle. He probably was trespassing, and this room was surely closed off to party guests, but he couldn't find it in himself to care.
He itched to have his camera with him, to capture this. When else would he be the only human in a structure this sound? Still, there was beauty in having no way to remember it other than his memories. He stood on the gallery, hands resting on the railing to take in the view.Ā
From the gallery, the chapel unfolded beneath Hyunjin like a painting. Gold was everywhere. It wasn't loud or gaudy, but delicately carved into the structure. It climbed the columns and threaded through the ceiling like light frozen in space and time. He wished you could see this. If you were here, you could have probably pointed out all the details he was missing.Ā Hopefully one day he could come back here with you.
The further away he was from you, the more discombobulated he felt. As if the cavity in his chest felt your absence, it ached. It wasn't normal to feel this way for someone. He was certain that he'd never felt anything of the sort before, and the more he spent time with you, the more he was trying to wrap his mind around it.
He let out a sigh, leaning against the railing, careful not to put his weight on it. This place was so fragile and he didn't want to break it.
He needed to talk to you, so he pulled his phone out, and maybe now was the perfect time. If you were sleeping, he'd wake you up. He missed your voice.
"Hyunjin." A familiar voice interrupted his peace. He turned, and Eunwoo stood at the end of the corridor. He immediately hung up, pushing the phone back in his pocket.
"Hey." "I thought I'd find you here. You snuck away." Eunwoo said, stepping into the room, for only a moment. He didn't awe or gasp at the beauty of this place, his entire focus on Hyunjin, "People are missing you. " "Sorry. It was so beautiful. I had to see it." Hyunjin explained. Eunwoo smiled, "I'm sure it is. Let's go back into the hall, okay?"
"Yes." And Hyunjin almost felt like a toddler, being guided back to his duties. He shouldn't have ran off, especially to a restricted area. He adjusted the cuffs of his jacket, footsteps in sync with Eunwoo, echoing against the stone floor. He'd strayed so far from the party, the music was a distant noise.
"You seem content." Eunwoo commented, watching his face. Hyunjin glanced at him, "I am. This place is unreal. I can't believe they invited me here." He laughed, "They knew you'd appreciate it."
Hyunjin suddenly stopped, hand reaching out to Eunwoo's arm, "Thanks for making this happen, I know I don't always show it but I'm grateful to you." Eunwoo's eyebrows shot up, "You okay?"
"I just feel like most people don't get the opportunity to be in places like this, unless they're extremely lucky. I'm sorry I act up sometimes. Or a lot. And I complain and stress you out." "You don't stress me out, Hyunjin." Eunwoo smiled, "You're one of the better artists I've been responsible for. You've only had one scandal so far, I mean. That's a dream." He laughed, "Well, I just went home for a few months. I would hardly call that a scandal."
Something flashed through his gaze that Hyunjin couldn't place. Eunwoo nodded, "Right. Of course. And I'm sorry if I come off like an asshole sometimes. Artists are so temperamental, and it's a tough job to manage them. But you're a good person, genuinely, and I think you're going to be very successful."
"Really?" Hyunjin looked down at the floor, and he had never heard anyone from his company praise him like this, so candidly, "I guess it's obvious that I always wonder if I'm up for the job. I just wanted to be a singer, everything that comes with itā¦is a lot."
"Well, we're here in this lovely castle because of everything that comes with it." Eunwoo laughed, "The frills are fun. Don't take it so seriously. You're at the prime of your life. And I'm truthful when I say that you're only gonna get bigger from here. Your group has so much potential, and after this next albumā¦I have no doubt you'll be globally known."
"That's kind of scary." He said, slipping his hands in his pockets, "But I look forward to it."
"Isn't it your dream, kid?"
Hyunjin looked around him, taking in the magnificence of the place and nodded, "It is. Only dream I ever had."
Eunwoo shot him a smile, genuine, "Come on, the creative director really wanted to meet you and we still have interviews to film."
Hyunjin hadn't expected a moment like that with his manager. But in moments like this, Eunwoo felt less like an authority figure and moreā¦human. He would learn to give them more grace. They were just doing their jobs ā to make Hyunjin and his best friends look better. He couldn't imagine this success without Eunwoo by his side.
So, they walked back into the Great Hall. Classical musical filled the room. He recognised a cover of Swan Lake. Of course. As soon as people noticed he was back, a flurry of crowd gathered around him. It was a lot of people and cameras, but he welcomed it. The reminder from Eunwoo had been much needed. He was living his dream. The prime of his life.Ā
He met everyone ā actors he's only seen on TV, people that Jisung would kill to see. The evening passed by, as he filmed a series of interviews. They were all for social media. They all asked the same questions so by the third one, he had the perfect answer memorized.
Eventually, he was introduced to the creative director, Grace. She smiled as she looked him over. āYou look incredible.ā He ducked his head a little, almost embarrassed, "Thank you for inviting me. This is beautiful. I don't have enough words."
āThank you for coming.ā Her hand brushed his sleeve, smoothing the fabric. āYou wear the collection really well. It suits your vibe.ā He glanced down at himself, a small smile forming. āThe designs are amazing. You did a great job.ā
āItās my first fashion week as creative director. Iām trying not to look nervous.ā She let out a breath, half-laughing. āYou donāt.ā He said quickly, hoping he sounded genuine, āYou really donāt.ā She smiled at that, āThereās a huge crowd outside for you, by the way. Theyāve been here since dawn. Security tried to move them, but⦠theyāre not going anywhere.ā
Hyunjinās smile softened. He glanced over at Eunwoo, who was already watching him from across the room. And then because he really should enjoy this, his way, he asked her, āWould it be okay if I stepped out for a bit? I just donāt want them to have waited all this time without seeing me.ā
Grace hesitated, her expression shifting slightly. āWeāre about to serve dinner.ā āRight.ā He said, nodding. āOf course.ā "But I think you should do it. No wonder you're so loved." She said. Hyunjin blinked, a little surprised by her permission, before breaking into a grin. āThank you, Grace. Iāll see you at dinner.ā
She pulled him into a quick hug, and he slipped away toward the main doors. Eunwoo caught up to him almost immediately. āHyunjin. What do you think youāre doing?ā
āGrace said I could step out.ā He pushed the door open. āYou donāt have to come with me.ā
āLike hell I donāt.ā Eunwoo muttered, already following him. The look on his face was something else. Hyunjin almost smiled.
The moment he stepped outside, there was a wave of screams and flashes. And because he was hellbent on enjoying every moment, he didn't leave until he'd met everyone who showed up. Countless pictures, and his hand hurt from signing every poster but the smile on their faces was worth it. What was the point of being famous if he couldn't give back to the reason he was?Ā
Eunwoo stood with him, monitoring for threats, but Hyunjin could see the smile on his face too. Despite all his feigned annoyance, he loved this too. It was just as much his hard work.
Later, at dinner, he'd built up his appetite for the oysters and caviar. They were seated at a gorgeous table, under candlelights and chandeliers. The guest seated next to him nudged him, "You must be Hyunjin, did I say that right?"
He recognised her as a popular actress, Naomi, he remembered. She had a cool haircut and outfit on. He nodded, finishing up his bite, "Yes. You did."
"My friend's daughter is a huge fan of you." She smiled, twirling the spaghetti on her fork. He laughed, feeling a spurt of confidence, "Ah. I take it you're not?" Her eyes widened, and she laughed nervously, "Stop. No, I just haven't heard your group's music. Don't call me out like that!" "My friend Jisung's also a fan of you. He's the guitarist in my group." He told her. She smiled, "Well, if I'm ever in Korea, I'd love to meet your friend Jisung." "He would love that." He smiled back.
After dinner, he made his way around the room, circling back to people, staying longer than he needed to. He even went back for seconds, lingering over the Key Lime Pie dessert. He did everything he's supposed to, and he was satisfied with the effort he made.
When they're in the car going home, Eunwoo asked him, "How do you think tonight went? The interviews you did were great." Hyunjin smiled at him. already taking off his tie, and he was a little wine-drunk, "Thanks. The dinner was amazing."
"Everybody loved you, you know?"Ā
His eyebrows shot up, and his heart skipped a beat because hearing that always felt good. On schedules as overwhelming as these, he needed the validation, "Really?"
"Really. I'm not just saying that as your manager, you were the most liked person in that room, which is saying a lot. There's a lot of famous people in there. A lot of them can be assholes."
Hyunjin laughed, glancing at the passing river, "I suppose. But everybody I met tonight was sweet."
"That's because they wanted to impress you. A few even asked me if they could work with you, they want you in their music video or on their song."
Hyunjin sat up straighter, and this conversation was suddenly far more interesting than the view. Almost everyone in that room was more famous than him, so that was an insane opportunity, "Holy shit. Seriously?"Ā
"Seriously." Eunwoo laughed, "But don't be so surprised, kid. You're talented and they clearly know that."
Hyunjin's heart bloomed, and he couldn't stop the smile from coming on. He leaned back into the seat, exhaling softly, hoping that he could talk to you soon enough. None of this excitement would even matter, if he couldn't share it with you.
»»āāāā-
The city was cast in a glow of luminescent yellow lights. It had just rained, and like something out of a watercolor painting, all of the edges of the landscape were blurred. You watched it whiz past you in the taxi. If Seoul and Daejon were worlds apart, then being in Amsterdam was like being in outer space.Ā
Even from inside the taxi, you could see a lifestyle unfold that was foreign to you, architecture and outfits you'd only seen in coffee table books.
You were jet-lagged and so tired after the flight but you didn't want to look away for even a second. If someone had told your teenage self that the boy you loved would do something like this for your birthday, you wouldnāt have believed them. Honestly, you wouldn't have believed it a year ago either.
"First time?" The taxi driver asked you. You glanced up at him, playing with the brochures in your hands, "Is it obvious?" "You can open the window, but I have to warn you it's cold out there."Ā You rolled the window down and the wind woke you up. Now that the barrier was gone, the sounds of the city spilled in. You passed by a street sign. Broek, Waterland. Population 2,400. You were just on the outskirts of Amsterdam, and even the small towns were so picture-postcard perfect.Ā Hyunjin had booked an apartment for you to stay here. You trusted his choice and it must be perfect. Thinking about everything he'd planned for you secretly, gave you butterflies. He must like you a lot to make that kind of effort. It was silly but just the thought of him thinking about you, outside of the time you spent with him, made you giddy.
All of the houses felt too perfect. Small, slanted roofs, water dripping down onto the cobblestone. Painted wood in pale blues and whites, edges trimmed neatly, like something you'd create as a kid in The Sims.
The taxi pulled up to a quiet, cobblestoned street. There were flowers everywhere. Pink clusters spilling over the edges of canals, and it's all so perfect. The driver hopped out first, jogging around to open your door and he's so kind to you. You appreciated him, as he unloaded your suitcase and a card with his number on it 'in case you need him'.
When you stepped out, the scent of the canal water hit you. It was warm, earthly and a little like Daejon. The clouds were reflected in the water, shimmering in the trail of a passing boat. The apartment building you're outside was narrow and tall, ivy curling up its brick facade. You're positive he didn't want you to stay in a stuffy touristy hotel, but instead like a local. Your driver pointed up at an entrance by the alleyway, āThatās you, I think. It's supposed to rain a lot tomorrow, stay warm, kid.ā
You waved at him, as he drove away. You didn't immediately rush inside, wanting to absorb this into your mind. This place was so far away from your life, but somehow felt like it had been made for you. Like every street sign, canal, house was carved to your preferences.Ā
You crouched by the canal before you could stop yourself, dipping your fingers into the water. It was colder than you expected. The ripples distorted the sky, before settling back into place.Ā You have the urge to burst into tears. You pulled your sketchbook out before you even got upstairs, sitting on the curb like a tourist. You were feeling so much, and you just have to capture it before you lose the inspiration. Your suitcase still stood on the cobblestone. The lines in your sketches came out messy, impatient, but it captured the view and this moment.Ā
After you sketched to your heart's content, you arrived at the second floor apartment through the narrow staircase and winding stairs. The owners had left the keys in the mailbox for you. You couldn't imagine doing that in Seoul.
The apartment door opened with a soft click. You stepped in, still a little out of breath from bringing the suitcase up the stairs, but you couldn't focus on that, not when you're looking at the prettiest apartment you saw. It looked like it belonged in a magazine.
The first thing you noticed was the skylight above the bed. It was so romantic. Even if you were only going to be here by yourself.
Warm light bathed the wooden floors, and wooden beams ran across the ceiling. It was a small space, but it felt lived in, knick-knacks scattered across the room. The bedcovers were a light blue, and there was so much more color in here than a hotel would have had. A sheer white curtain blew with the wind, drawing your attention to the window, the panel cracked open a little to let the air in. There was a lot to take in, and you glanced out at the view. This was a quiet neighbourhood, far enough from the city, and boats bobbed in the water like ice cubes.Ā
After your first exploration, you kicked your boots off by the door, and laid on the mattress to stare up at the skylight. Instinctively, you pulled out your phone to call Hyunjin. But his phone was on do not disturb, and he must be at an event. You sighed, tossing your phone to the side, and when you can't talk to him your chest hurts in strange ways.
The tiredness of the journey was hitting you in waves, slowly and then all of a sudden. But you don't want to waste any time sleeping.Ā
There was a knock on your door, and it's only then that you realised you fell asleep.Ā
It made you immediately sit up in bed. You were not expecting anyone. Nobody even knows you're here. You're only a little nervous, but this is such a small town, and you're sure there's a reasonable explanation.Ā
The clock above the kitchenette read half past three. You've been asleep for hours, and that too, in your travel clothes. You felt a little gross and head to the door, still groggy. There's a chain on the door, and you opened it up, hoping for your sake, there are no serial killers on the prowl. A girl stared back at you, her fist held up in motion to knock again. When she made eye contact with you, she flushed, "Oh. Hello!"
"Hi." You smiled back, trying not to yawn in front of her. "Are you Mrs. Hwang?" She asked. Your eyes widened, and you shook your head, "Uh, is that what the reservation is under?" She looked confused, and looked at her notepad. It's sweet that she's using a pen and paper and read it out, "The reservation is under a Hwang. I just assumed. Sorry."
"That's fine." You said, even though your heart is pounding at being called that. You are so easy and lovesick. She nodded, "Yes, my mother told me to give you these." She then handed you a set of keys, through the opening of the door, "The bike is parked downstairs. You're free to use it." You grabbed the keys, "Thank you. What was your name?" "Alice." She smiled, and then handed you a slip of paper, "If you have any trouble when you're here, this is my number. I'm in the downstairs apartment. My mother is usually always busy, so I'll be here for any questions."
"Oh, I'll try not to bother you too much." You smiled. She laughed, and said, "Don't worry about it. I could use the company. We hardly ever have guests."
She's about to leave, but then you said, "Alice. I actually did have a question. Do you have any suggestions for dinner? I was planning to go to the city, but I didn't realise how tired I am from the flight. Maybe something closer?" "Oh! There's a cafe not too far. I could give you directions." She said, and then immediately started scribbling in her notepad. You suggested, "Maybe you could show me?" She looked up at you, eyes wide, and her lip twitched into a smile, "Oh. Of course. Maybe I can meet you outside around six." You smiled, "Six is perfect."
While you waited to join her for dinner, you sat on the steps outside the apartment, staring at the canal. It's already your favorite spot to sit in, and you're only here for three days, but you're going to make the most of it. You'd finally had time to unpack everything. But you still hadn't had a conversation with Hyunjin in days. You wanted to thank him. Again. You pulled out your phone, and he hadn't been online in hours. Still, you pressed call.
It rang once, twice, and then kept ringing. Suddenly, he picked up.
"Hello?" His voice was so sweet, and all of your earlier tiredness melted. It's like you hadn't heard his voice in years. "Baby?" You missed his voice so much, "I arrived safely, I was trying to get in touch with you and I know you're busy, I'm sorry for calling you so much."
"Y/N?" The energy in his voice shifted, and he said, "Oh my god. I missed you. I've been thinking about you this whole time. Are you at the apartment already?"
Hearing his voice had suddenly made everything better. "I'm great. The apartment is wonderful, Hyun. It's so perfect and I'm having such a good time already."Ā
And I love you for doing this. I would love you even if you didn't do this. You just had to gut up and say it. Over the phone wasn't the most romantically grand gesture, but it was building up in you like a pressure cooker.
"I'm happy to hear that. But I'm so sorry, I can't talk long, I'm at a press event and I stepped into the bathroom to talk to you."
Another time then. "Oh. Of course, I just wanted to let you know I'm okay. I'm going to the art museum tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you the entire time."
You heard his manager's voice in the background, and then the call cut out. You sighed, dropping your head against your knees.Ā
"Who was that?" Alice asked, and you looked at her. She stood by you, hands in her pockets, curiosity painted expression. You stood up to join her, "A friend." Her eyebrows shot up and she led the way, along the canal, "Is it the guy who booked this place? Because he emailed my mother almost everyday asking for this. Said it was your birthday and he would pay anything to get it."
"Seriously?" You looked at her. She glanced at you, casually shrugging, "Yup. My mother said he was very kind, unlike the other tourists she interacts with. Some people just trash the place, and this is a quiet neighborhood as you can probably tell."
You hadnāt realised how much effort heād put into this, and how long he must have planned this. The thought sat heavy in your chest. The next time you saw himā¦you wouldnāt hold back. Telling him your true feelings, would be the least you could do. There's no point in hiding it anymore. He must know already. He must see it in your eyes when you look at him, when you speak to him, the way you act around him. It couldn't be more obvious.
Ā "You look much more awake now by the way." Alice commented, bringing you back to the present. You nodded, watching the sights by you, "I was so tired. I don't feel like a zombie anymore. Thank you for showing me the way to dinner. I hope you weren't too busy." "Busy is a word that literally does not exist in my life." She groaned, "I graduated university a few months agoā¦and I've been bored ever since."
The cafe is not too far a walk, and even though it's chilly, you both sat outside, watching the boats pass by and trying bitterballen. You watched the lights reflect off the water, and soon enough the town is getting ready to go to sleep.
You didnāt expect to get along with a stranger this easily. It usually takes you a while to open up, but you're stepping out of your comfort zone and maybe here you can be the version you wish you were. It was strange how much you had in common, even though you grew up on different parts of the world. You wonder how many more people there are like you in the world that you just haven't met yet.
When you're walking back to the apartment, you spotted a convenience store on the way. To your joy, they sold Peach Soju and you bought a bottle for you and Alice. She'd never tried it before, and you sat on a bench, sipping on it. You laughed as she insisted it was the best drink sheād ever had. You then drank, and talked until late in the night, watching the full moon. She gave you suggestions of all the places you should try in the city, and she's a wonderful host already. You couldn't have asked for a better one.
"So what are your plans tomorrow?" She asked you, crossing her legs to get comfortable. You told her about the Van Gogh Museum and how you would finally visit it. You talk for hours, and you can't hold in your excitement. It's hard to go to sleep that night.
»»āāāā-
The hotel room was to Hyunjin's liking, but he couldn't get himself to enjoy it. He lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling, tracing the carved patterns with tired eyes. The bed was too soft, and he'd spent far too long trying to fall asleep.Ā
After all he'd been through today, sleep should have come easy. He'd been on his feet all day, buttoned up in a tight suit, smiling at people. He grabbed his phone, staring at your contact. He didn't want to bother you, you must be having such a good time and he would bring you down with his melancholy. But he missed you so much. He'd stay up all night to talk to you if you were available.
There was a knock on his door, and Hyunjin blinked, sitting up slowly. He dragged himself out of bed, putting on a bathrobe as he made his way to the door. He'd taken a bath before bed, hoping it would relax him. When he opened the door, Eunwoo stood there, eyebrows raised in disbelief. "No way you're in bed already."
Hyunjin leaned against the frame, offering a small smile, āSorry. Yeah. Iām just tired. What is it?ā
āYou know the actress you met earlier, Naomi? She wanted to get drinks with you. Her and a couple of other artists from the party. Her agent just texted me.ā
For a moment, Hyunjin just stared at him. Naomi. The one Jisung liked. He tried to picture her face clearly, but all that came to him was the blur of polite conversation he'd made over dinner.Ā
ā...What?ā He asked, confused. āWhy?ā
"Like I said they loved meeting you, but didn't get a chance to get to know you, or something." āAm Iā¦allowed to do that?ā He asked, though his voice lacked any real curiosity. Eunwoo laughed lightly, āWell, obviously. Itās a big opportunity. The companyās good with it. Itāll be at the hotel bar.ā
Hyunjinās grip tightened slightly on the edge of the door. Of course this was allowed. They'd compromise for this. āIā¦ā He hesitated, running a hand through his hair. āI donāt even know what Iāll talk to her about. I'm already dressed for bed."
āYouāre a charming man,ā Eunwoo said easily. āIām sure youāll figure something out.ā
Hyunjin let out a quiet breath, something close to a laugh but not quite. Right. This obviously wasn't a choice. Eunwoo wasn't asking him, out of courtsey. He was telling him. Eunwoo was looking at him expectantly, and if the company had allowed it that meant he'd already asked them.
āYeah.ā He said finally, though it sounded distant even to him. āI'll be there in twenty.ā "Make that ten." Eunwoo smiled, leaving him alone. He glanced back into the room, at the bed that seemed suddenly so inviting even though he'd spent all night awake.Ā
By the time he stepped out of the elevator, nine minutes later, he looked exactly like himself again. His hair was tied up, because he had no energy to style it, and he'd put on the first shirt he could find. Putting on jeans this late was annoying, but he did it anyway.
The hotel bar was dim, and Hyunjin paused for half a second at the entrance, scanning the room. And then he saw her. Naomi sat tucked into a corner booth with two others, her posture relaxed, and they were already a few drinks in. She noticed him almost immediately, her face lighting up as she waved him over. He smiled back.
āHyunjin!ā Naomi stood as he approached, pulling him into a quick, easy hug. She smelled faintly of something expensive. āIām so glad you came.ā
āOf course.ā He said, voice polite, and he hoped it didn't show how tired he was, āThank you for inviting me.ā
He slid into the booth next to her, and she ordered another round of drinks for him. āI hope we didn't drag you out of bed." Naomi said, leaning forward slightly, chin resting on her hand. He met her gaze, "No, don't worry about it. I was meaning to check out the hotel bar anyway."
"Did you have a good time the other night?ā She asked. He nodded, āYeah. It was fun. Everyone was very kind, and the castle was beautiful."
Naomi smiled, laughing with her other friend, āYouāre being modest. You were the highlight of the evening. Everyone kept talking about you after you left.ā
His lips curved, "I hope good things." If he was here, he might as well enjoy it. He settled into the plush booth, and he could feel the eyes of everyone on him. Eunwoo was by the bar, drinking, unbothered. She laughed, "Of course. How long are you in town?"
"A couple more days. I'm trying to convince my manager to let me explore the city. It would suck to come this far and not see it." He told her. She nodded, glancing over at Eunwoo too, "Your manager. Right. Do you have to do everything they say?" He smiled, realising the culture difference between them, "Yeah. Mostly." "Wow." She scrunched her nose, "Is that annoying?" He took a sip of his drink, glancing at her. She looked so put together, and her stylists must really love her. If Jisung knew he was here with her, he would freak out. He used to have the biggest crush on her. He nodded, "It can be." Then his voice dropped, "Between us, I'm trying to rebel more. I think it's about time."
She laughed, loudly, "You are so cute."
Hyunjin smiled, at the compliment, looking around the bar. There was a couple stood by a vintage photobooth, making out. His heart twisted. What was he doing here?
Naomi pulled his attention again, and they talked for a while. About work, mostly. About movies, schedules, and her music. That was part of why she wanted to meet him. She wanted to feature him on a song. It was a big opportunity. Naomi was easy to talk to, more than he expected, and confident. The kind of person he shouldāve been more present with in the moment, but his thoughts kept drifting.
His phone buzzed. It was subtle, just a vibration against his thigh, and he shouldn't have been waiting for it. He pulled it out, holding it under the table, but when he stared at the screen, there was a text from an unknown number. It read just one thing.
who is she?
He immediately looked up at the bar and around him. There was hardly anybody here.Ā
She. Did they mean Naomi?
They couldn't mean you. How could anybody know about you? His best bet was to ignore it. If they were threatening him, they would demand something in return.
"Everything okay, Hyunjin?" The woman asked. He looked up, forcing a small smile as he slipped the phone back into his pocket. āYeah. Just work stuff.ā
She frowned, "You work too hard." She turned toward him, her knee brushing his under the table like it meant nothing. He smiled, shifting away slightly, trying not to offend her. He wanted to be honest and tell her he wasn't interested, but he didn't have the liberty of doing that.
Across the table, someone was telling a story, animated, hands moving as they spoke. He exhaled, glancing down at the condensation gathering on his glass, tracing it absently with his fingertip. The text worried him. If it was about you. If they have his phone number, they probably have yours too. He felt like you should know, but that would worry you so much. It would ruin your birthday, for sure. His chest suddenly felt heavy. How could he make sure you were okay from so far away?
āI donāt want to be rude.ā He said quietly, moving to get up, "But my manager's calling me."
"Noo!" She pouted, standing up to hug him goodbye, "Thanks for coming down here anyway. Let me know what you think about being on the song." She slipped him her number, "Or, you could tell me in person. I'm in room 205."
Hyunjin nodded, not failing to see her intent. She was so bold to invite him to her room. He nodded, forcing a polite smile because despite everything, she was a kind person, "Right. I'll let you know. Goodnight, Naomi."
He walked over to Eunwoo, who sat at the bar, slowly drinking Gin. He was definitely already tipsy by the way he talked to Hyunjin, "Jinnie. How was she?" Hyunjin stood by the bar for a few moments, "Good. She wants to do a song with me." "I hope you said yes already." He said. Hyunjin nodded, hands pushed in his pocket, "Iā¦I told her I'll think about it. Since we're going to be busy with the next album, I didn't want to promise anything."
Eunwoo laughed, "You're definitely making that song, Hyunjin. It's going to be a great opportunity. We'll make time in your schedule. Speaking of, tomorrow's your day off. We can finally go explore the city. You've earned it. Plus, I have a feeling Naomi's agent will want to set up lunch with you."
Hyunjin stared at him, surprised, "Seriously? No schedule?ā
Eunwoo nodded, looking at him over the rim of his glass as he took in another big gulp, "Yup."
Hyunjin only a second to formulate a plan. His voice dropped, "Actually that's good, because I think I might be coming down with something."
"What?" Eunwoo asked, leaning forward, "Something you ate?"
"I don't know. I might have caught something." Hyunjin was tired, so he didn't have to fake much, "Maybe a fever."
"Hey, you really have to take care of yourself. I don't know any doctors here. We can find one." Eunwoo twisted in his chair to face him. Hyunjin squeezed his eyes shut and he doesn't want to make this Eunwoo's problem, "That's really not needed. Iā¦I just need a few hours to rest."
"I'll bring medicine to your room tonight."
"No, no, whatever it is, I don't want you to catch it. Thank you forā¦taking care of me." He swallowed, and he's never been good at lying. It helped that Eunwoo wasn't all in his senses, because he didn't suspect a thing, pinching his cheek, "It's my job, kid."
Hyunjin smiled at him faintly, heading back up to his room. With any luck, Eunwoo would drink until late and that would give Hyunjin enough time to slip away. They didn't have any schedules tomorrow, and maybe he wouldn't even notice he was gone.
»»āāāā-
It felt like you're meeting someone you've admired forever, a legend.
The art museum rose out of Museumplein in sharp lines, the glass catching the morning light in a way that seemed fantastical. You stood there longer than you meant to. The building was beautiful, and this was just the outside. You dug into your bag for your camera. It was a cheap disposable one youād picked up at a 7/11 before your flight. Everything looked better on film. You snapped a picture, when a man came up to you, holding a sunflower. He smiled at you, "Ma'am, a flower for you?"
āOh, hi.ā You smiled back. The vendor seemed sweet, he grinned at you, "Beautiful day, isn't it?" "Sure is." You smiled. He then extended the sunflower for you, "Van Gogh's favorite." "Oh, no that's fine, I don't need it." You smiled, trying to politely decline but he pushed the flower to you, "Just ten euros." "Ten euros?" You can't hide your surprise, "That'sā¦one expensive flower." "Matches your dress." The vendor smiled. He was right. You'd chosen to wear your black dress, the skirt's made of lace and it falls perfectly over your boots. It's tight in the top, strappy, not weather appropriate but when you'd seen it in the window in Gangnam, you couldn't resist it. There's a small sunflower stitched at the neckline, and so it's perfect for this occasion. At least your coat kept you warm. "It's only ten euros, freshly picked." He repeated. You've never been good at saying no, so you smiled at him, "Sure."Ā
You dug into your purse, searching for your wallet, and looked around the museumplein, wondering if you're the only one getting scammed out of ten euros. Your eyes landed on tourists taking pictures, street vendors, some dressed like Van Gogh which might even be in poor taste, and then you spot someone familiar.
His back was to you, and he's taking a picture on the big camera of his. The guy from the plane. You wondered if that's really him, cause last you knew he was headed to Paris for work, and what are the odds that he would be here, same time as you?
"Ma'am." The vendor repeated, and he's clearly run out of patience. Your hands finally grabbed the wallet, and you pulled out a ten euro note. You handed it over, hesitant and then he handed you the single flower. You nodded, trying to not be irritated, "Thank you!ā
But before you could finish thanking him, he's walking off, clearly not interested in holding a conversation anymore. You sighed, staring down at your little sunflower. It was pretty. You turned it slowly between your fingers.
"Oh no. They got you." Someone said. You looked up, and sure enough, it was the boy from the plane. He was walking over to you, holding his camera in his hands. You laughed, lifting your hands up to show off your newly acquired flower, "Guess they did."
"Smile." He said, and then suddenly took a picture of you. You flinched, caught off guard. Then he put his camera down, noticing your expression, "Sorry."
"It's fine. I just wasn't expecting that. What are you doing here?" You asked him, "I thought you'd be in Paris by now."
"Yeah, my flight isn't until later this evening. Hell of a layover, huh? The team I'm travelling with is dead asleep at the airport hotel. But, I thought I'd be brave and venture out. Plus, there was a last-minute ticket to the museum and I couldn't skip that."
"There's worse places to be stuck." You tucked the flower into the pocket of your coat. He nodded, "Exactly right. And I have enough time to kill to see the museum. Heard so much about it."
"Yeah." You smiled, looking back up at the gorgeous building, "I was just heading in, before I was accosted by the vendor." "You gotta start learning to say no. Especially in the touristy districts." He tilt his head, "Are you meeting friends later?" "Oh. No. Iā¦it's just me." You said, watching his face, "I probably shouldn't be telling you this. Seeing as how you're a total stranger and I just told you I'm traveling alone." You rolled your eyes, "Never mind."
He laughed, shaking his head. āOh, well we can change that then."
"Change what?ā You asked. "Being strangers." He extended his hand to you in a handshake, "I'm Jake." You hesitated for a second before taking his hand. āJake.ā you repeated, a small smile tugging at your lips, "So, you're a photographer?"
"Yup. The soccer team I'm traveling with, I do their official stuff. But sometimes I like to do architecture. It really depends on the day. I don't try to pigeonhole myself. I capture what I find beautiful, and what inspires me." He explained, as you walked into the museum. You nodded, "So⦠everything."
He laughed, "Yeah. You could say that. So now that you know everything about me, are you gonna tell me your name?"
"Oh. I didn't realise I haven't yet. I'm Y/N." You smiled at him. Jake walked alongside you, his camera bag swinging by his side as you went through the lobby, "So what kind of girl are you?"
"Excuse me?" You grabbed a map of the museum, glancing at him. He smiled, "I mean, do you stop and take in at every painting, or do you speed through? God knows there's not enough time in the day to see everything."
You stared at the map, and the museum was three floors and you fully intended to see all of it, "I think I'm probably gonna take a long time, so I wouldn't want you to wait for me."
"Oh, I don't mind." He smiled. When you finally make it past the lobby, your chest tightened with anticipation. It felt strange to finally be here. Almost sacred.
Inside, the air hummed with hushed voices and footsteps.You followed the timeline instinctively, drawn into his early work first. You leaned in, studying the brushstrokes like it was the most important thing in the world. Youād seen these paintings a thousand timesāonline, in books, in magazines. But here, the paint had weight. Dimension. It felt alive. You could almost trace the movement of his hand, the urgency in every stroke.
You found yourself imagining itāhow youād paint it, where your hand would go next. You've chosen to skip the audio guide because there's only so much stimulus you can take.
You moved slowly through the rooms. Jake lingered around you. Sometimes you lost him, and then you bumped into each other, staring at the same painting. You're not sure how to make conversation with him. He's a stranger, and you're not in the mood to talk.Ā
You know he's probably just trying to befriend you. After all, the odds of you two being here at the same time are low. You're sure he's a lovely person, he seems talented and he's friendly, but he's caught you at a bad time. You're overwhelmed by all your emotions. You felt inspired, and sad, and strangely at peace all at once. All you can think of is how if Hyunjin was here, you wouldn't even have to think about it. You could both live in silence, or maybe not. Maybe you'd talk his ear off.
You spent longer than you meant to in every room, drifting back and forth, returning to paintings you werenāt ready to leave. You studied the letters and fragments of his thoughts, that made him feel less like a legend and more like a person who desperately needed to create in order to survive himself. Just like yourself.
Your throat tightened as you reached the end of Van Gogh's work, of his life. He lived so long before you, and still, you saw yourself in him. It made something in you ache. Your fingers itched to work. To fly home and throw yourself into your art, to become someone you could be proud of.
Jake caught your eye from across the room. You cleared your throat, giving him a small wave, the sunflower still in your hand. You were exhausted in the best way. Your feet ached.Ā
Even the gift shop felt meaningful, not capitalistic as you'd expect. You ran your fingers over sketchbooks, postcards, prints, like touching them would keep the feeling from fading. Jake hovered around you, buying a souvenir as well and mostly commenting on how much stuff you got. You got a bit of everything, for all of your friends, for Hyunjin and for yourself. You don't know when you'll see them all next, but you want to bring them a gift of how magical this place was.
The best part was still left. The field of sunflowers.Ā
He casually fell into step with you, reading the brochure, "Did you know they don't open this exhibit much? Apparently, they only did it once before. So, guess we came at the right time."
You're sure Hyunjin probably knew about this exhibit, and surely wanted you to see it. You stepped out, and it was hard to hide your shock. The field stretched endlessly, sunflowers in every direction. It felt like a labyrinth, narrow paths winding between walls of flowers.
Jake started reading from the museum brochure, "So, Van Gogh made his first still lifes of sunflowers in Paris. His friend, the painter Paul Gauguin was impressed by them and called the paintings 'completely Vincent'. His fellow painters thought that sunflowers were perhaps somewhat coarse and unrefined. But this is exactly what Vincent liked. So guess he saw the beauty and potential in them that nobody did."
Tears pricked your eyes. You tightened your grip on your bag, moving slowly through it. Tourists drifted in and out, but the maze was so big you often found yourself alone. You had to stop, just to breathe. Jake walked beside you. āIsnāt it beautiful?ā
āDo you think Iām allowed to touch them?ā Your hand hovered near the flowers. He shrugged, āDoes it matter? Do it anyway.ā You glanced at him ā you'd made an unlikely companion in himā before brushing your fingers against the petals. They were soft. You let out a quiet breath. āIt makes me want to grow a sunflower field back home.ā
āIn Seoul?ā Jake laughed. You corrected him, āIām from a small town in the south. Daejon.ā
āWell. Youāve got a head start.ā He nodded to the flower in your hand. You laughed, lifting it slightly. āOne very expensive head start.ā
You turned a corner, stopping at a patch where the flowers seemed even brighter. Jake nudged you. āCome on. Let me get a picture.ā
āNo, Iām good. Iāll take one of you though.ā You shook your head. He whined, āCome on. Are you planning on coming back here?ā
You hesitated, then sighed. āFine.ā You held the flower up, smiling despite yourself. āWow.ā Jake said. āThatās a good one.ā
āOkay, Iām done now. Please.ā You laughed, already stepping back. He groaned, but let you go. You glanced out at the maze stretching in every direction. āThere must be thousands of these.ā
"I read that there's almost 100,000." He told you, and you blinked at him, "That's a crazy number.āĀ
"Look at this picture I got of you." Jake laughed, "It looks good, but you look so awkward." You leaned in, peeking at his preview screen, "Wow, but the camera quality is so good."
āIt should be. Cost me two monthsā rent.ā He said. Your eyes widened. āCan I try?ā He didnāt hesitate. He placed it in your hands, guiding you through the buttons. āJust press here.ā
You lifted it, peering through the viewfinder. It felt different and cinematic already. Far better than your disposable. You zoomed in, focusing on the details of the flower, the petals and how light was catching in them. You then captured Jake, zooming into his face and he laughed, hiding his face with his arms, "Stop, Y/N! I gave it to you to film the flowers, not me."
You laughed, just wanting to get back at him for all the times he filmed you, teasing, "Doesn't feel so good to have the camera on you now, does it?" You turned around, adjusting the focus. Then through all of the flowers, the camera fixated on a single person watching you. You knew that silhouette.
Your breath caught in your throat, as he came into focus.Ā
A bouquet of flowers in his hand, Hyunjin was standing at the end of the trail.
"Oh my god." You lowered the camera immediately, needing to see him with your own eyes. "What?" Jake laughed, nudging you, "It is beautiful, isn't it?"
You barely heard him. Hyunjin was here. Somehow. His eyes were fixed on you and then briefly on Jake. The brim of his cap shadowed his face, but you wouldāve known him anywhere. Bundled up in a brown corduroy jacket, he stood tall in the field of flowers, towering over the vastness of its beauty and his hands tightened around the bouquet in his hands. Sunflowers.Ā
For a second, neither of you moved. Then you stepped forward, your things slipping from your hands onto the gravel, forgotten. āOh my god.ā You breathed, āWhat⦠what are you doing here?ā
He was waiting for you.
"Y/N. Iā¦" He stepped forward. He laughed, but it came out like a nervous chuckle, "Surprise."
"You're here." You managed to say. He nodded, "Yes. I amā¦I'm here to see you. Is that okay?"
"Is that okay?" You laughed, and then pulled him into a hug, arms wrapping around his waist. He stumbled slightly, then settled into it, his chin resting on top of your head. āYouāre crushing the flowers.ā He murmured. āI got them for you.āĀ
āIām sorry.ā You pulled back, looking up at him. His gaze didnāt stay on you for long. They drifted to Jake, who was awkwardly standing behind you. The question was on his lips, but Hyunjin was far too proud to ask. "Ohā" You cleared your throat, "This isā¦Jake."
"Hey, man." Jake extended his hand. Hyunjin looked at it for a second, like he wasnāt sure what to do with it. His lips were tight, and then finally he smiled politely, "Hi. How do you know each other?"
"Ahā¦She was my only entertainment for 14 hours." Jake laughed. Your grip tightened slightly around Hyunjinās arm. Jake then clarified, "We sat next to each other on the plane."
āOh.ā Hyunjin nodded once. āI see.ā His hand found yours again, almost instinctively. His eyes were back on you, āDid you see everything you wanted to?āĀ
You laced your fingers with his, āYeah. And more. When did you get here? Have you been waiting long?ā
"Doesn't matter. Did you like the museum?"
āI loved it.ā You had the sudden urge to kiss him. But not here. Not with Jake here. So instead, you squeezed his hand, fingers threading tighter through his. Maybe that was just as obvious. Jake didnāt seem to notice anyway. He was busy scrolling through his camera.
āIāll text these to you.ā He said. You nodded, āOh, yeah. Thatād be nice.ā
āI donāt have your number.ā He laughed, handing you his phone. You typed it in quickly, handing it back. āIt was nice meeting you.ā
Jake smiled. āYeah. When youāre back in Seoul, hit me up. We should catch up.ā
āHope you make it to Paris.ā You said, giving him a small wave. He nodded, then walked off. You waited until he disappeared around the corner before turning back to Hyunjin. Your eyes were wide, you couldnāt help it. Your surprise was obvious. He watched you for a second, a smile pulling at his lips, āWhat?ā
You pulled him into another hug, burying your face into his chest, "Thank you, thank you, thank you."
He laughed, hugging you back, "What are you thanking me for?"
You breathed in his scent, his cologne, his warmth and looked up at him, "You're here. In person. I wished for that, but I thought it was impossible. You just made this trip like a million times better."
His lips curved into a smile and his hand reached up to tuck your hair back, "I meanā¦it seems like you had company already, butā"
"Hyunjin. That's nobody." You exhaled, hands curled in the front of his jacket, "You just keep surprising me." And so I just keep loving you.Ā
"I got this for you." He smiled, handing you the flowers. The bouquet smelled so good, and you showed him your single sunflower, "Now I can give this one a home."
"Iā¦I was worried about you." Hyunjin's hand came to rest on your arm, stroking it lightly. Your heart squeezed, "You were?"Ā
Something flickered through his gaze, "When I couldn't talk to you, everything was so crazy busy, and it's your birthday tomorrow and selfishly I just needed to see you."
"That's okay, Hyunjin. I wanted to see you too." You smiled, squeezing his arm in reassurance, "But what about the fashion week? Your scheduleā¦? I thought you were fully booked until the end of the week."Ā
"I'm taking a sick day."
"A sick day?" You asked, incredulous. He nodded, "I'm allowed, aren't I?"
"They're really not gonna fire you or something?" You asked. He smiled, "They can try. Nobody knows I'm here."
"Not even Chan�"
"Not even Chan." He repeated, a small smile on his lips, "He would have surely talked me out of it."
"How did you pull that off? Don't they have like a tracker on you guys?" You asked. He laughed, "They wish. I'm thousands of miles away overseas. So, we'reā¦essentially invisible."
Your eyebrows shot up, "Invisible?" You pulled him closer, hands curling in his collar, "That might be the hottest thing you've ever said."
His voice was hesitant, "You happy I'm here? I didn't want to crash your vacation."
"Of course. You can't tell?" It was hard to hold back from kissing him, but you had to remind yourself you were still in a public place. Still, it didn't stop you from being pressed to his body, arms around his neck. You can't tell how much I love you?
You were at the point of no return, where you should just say it to him just so it's out of you, so the words exist separate from your body. They'd been held in you for so long, and you were used to keeping your feelings close to your chest, but you could only do that for so long. Hyunjin loved a lot of things. Performing. Art. His friends. But those were all different from you. You might die if you said it and he didn't feel the same. Even just thinking of saying it to him was scary, and your pulse quickened.
His hand caressed your cheek, "I made dinner reservations for us. The restaurant is by the water, and it has the most beautiful views. I went there with Changbin once a few years ago. Did you wanna have dinner there? ā¦With me?" There's a nervousness in his tone, that you're not used to. It's so sweet. Him asking gives you butterflies.
"That sounds amazing. You can take me anywhere, don't even ask." You smiled up at him. His gaze was kind, "You trust me that much?"
"You could literally blindfold me, walk me to the edge of a cliff and I'd trust you." You sighed. His grip on you tightened, "You can't say things like that."
"Sir� Ma'am�" A voice interrupted you, and you snapped out of your reverie to see a museum employee. She had a sheepish look on her face, "I didn't mean to interrupt but the sunflower exhibit's closing in 5, and all guests have to make their way to the exit."
"Right. Sorry. We'll be on our way." Hyunjin gained his composure, and then grabbed your hand. You squeezed your bouquet, other hand holding his as he led you out of the garden back onto the museumplein. "I wish I could have seen the museum with you."
"I know. That would have been perfect. Have you ever been?ā You asked him. He shook his head, "No, I haven't. Last time we were here on tour, I couldn't get tickets. They sell really fast andā¦yeah. I only got yours because it was weeks in advance."
"What?" You stopped walking, looking up at him, "Let's go back."
He glanced at where you'd just exited, laughing, "Y/N. They're closingā¦we won't be able to."
"Butā¦" You were disappointed. You know he would have loved to see it. He tugged you closer, "You had a good time right? Tell me all about it, and it'll be like I'm there."
"I guess." You weren't really happy with that outcome. He nodded, "Besides, if we were in the museum together, we might have never left. They would have to kick us out, andā¦we wouldn't have gotten anything else done today."
"Yeah but I got to see it instead with Jake from the plane. Great." You sighed. Hyunjin's expression faltered, for only a second, but then he tugged you along, "Yeah."
It was a beautiful day out and you walked alongside the water, letting him lead you. There were crowds all around, but nobody seemed to look at the two of you. It probably also helped that his face was obscured by his cap, to everyone but you. You glanced at your interlaced hands, peering at his fingers and black-painted nails, "They painted your nails for the show?"
"Actually, I did." He admitted, holding it up to show you, "Did I do well?"
"Yes, you did such a good job. Better than I could have." You smiled, running your hand over his fingers, and how dainty they were. He had new rings on, different shapes and bands on each finger. You shouldn't, in this sweet moment, get distracted by how long his fingers were, and how good they would feel touching you. It's as if Hyunjin could see right through you, and he tilt his head at you, "You like it that much?"
You looked up at him, embarrassed, leaving your hold on his hand, "It's pretty. But this one's chipped." He sighed, "Yeah. Maybe you can help me fix it later."
He led you over a little bridge, and you stood in the middle, staring at the water below. You don't want to snap out of this beautiful dream, even though it just has begun. You're quiet for too long, and all you could think of is how beautiful the art you've just seen is. It lives on in you. Hyunjin rest his hands on the barrier, watching the ducks in the water, "So, tell me about it. About the museum."
You stared at the ripples in the water below, "It was so beautiful, Hyunjin. I really wish you saw it. The almond blossom was the prettiest shade of blue. When I was there all I was thinking was that I want to paint my bedroom that color. Maybe that's superficial of me, but the colors were so gorgeous. Oh my god, wait and they had Irises on display! Have I ever told you that I always wanted to see that painting and�" You trailed off at Hyunjin's amused expression as you talked, "What?"
Ā He shook his head, a small smile on his lips, "Nothing. Tell me."
"I'm rambling."
"Noā¦Iā¦I love listening to you." He smiled, and his hand came to rest on your jaw, cupping your cheek, "Even if you were, I could listen to you for hours. Anyway, I'm vicariously living through you right now so tell me everything."
Your heart beat faster as you looked up at him. At the look in his eyes. Fondness. He looked beautiful. It was so different from how he was at the fashion show. Bare-faced, he glowed in the sun. It always caught you off guard how perfect he was. How in the hell did you get so lucky?
"Y/N?" He asked.
"Yeah? What was I saying?" You were embarrassed again. How were you so easily taken by him? Even after all this time, he captivated you like the first time you saw him.
There was a glint of amusement in his eyes, he knew the effect he had on you, even when he casually spoke with you. His hands found their home on your waist, and he turned you around to face him, pinning you against the bridge, "You were talking about Irises."
You don't know how this position was supposed to help you focus, his hands tucked inside your coat, holding you, but you swallowed, "Yeah, yeah they had Irises on display and it is just a flower vase but it feels so profound."
"I know what you mean."Ā
"And Hyun, there were so many people there. Likeā¦it was so crowded. I even saw families and tour groups from Seoul, and a lot of people on dates. It was nice to see so many people care about his art. I still couldn't help but feel sad."
"Why were you sad?" His voice was soft, fingers splayed against your waist, playing with the lace of your top.
"When he was still alive, he didn't know how loved he was. He had such an unhappy life andā¦I wish he knew how loved he was. It was really hard to see what he expressed through his art." Your chest hurt, "Maybe it's silly butā¦he only sold a single painting in his life and now, now people come from all around the world to see his work. Which is amazing but I just wish he could see that."Ā
"It's not silly." Hyunjin's expression was earnest, and his fingers slipped under your top, comfortingly stroking your skin, "You're right. It is sad, butā¦isn't it a good thing that people love his work now?"
"But when it mattered, he didn't know. It's only after he died."
Hyunjin pulled you closer, voice dropping low, "He inspires other people, people like you, amazing⦠talented, thoughtful artists like youā¦and his work lives on in that. That makes it immortal. Isn't that so much more special?"
"I guess you're right." The knot in your chest loosened, and you stared up at him, "You always know the right thing to say."
He smiled, a dimple in his cheek, "I don't want you to be sad. Not when I'm here with you, not when we're in this beautiful place."
"I can never be sad when you're with me."Ā
Because I love you so much. Like a devil on your shoulder, your brain told you to say it.
"Excuse me?" A voice interrupted the two of you. A girl approached you on the bridge, smiling, glancing between the two of you. Your heart dropped. For a second, you wondered if sheād recognized him. Hyunjin didn't move away from you though, or stop holding you. He stood as he was, relaxed, curious. She started to explain, "My friends and I saw saw you from across the street. You guys looked super cute. I took a few pictures of you that I can send, if you don't mind."
You waited for Hyunjin's reaction, and he smiled at her, "Can I see them?"
"Sure!" She stepped closer, showing you the pictures, tilting her phone towards you. She was right. It looked like a scene from a movie. How Hyunjin towered over you, holding you close on the bridge as boats passed underneath you in the canal. You glanced over, and her friend group was waiting for her by the edge, giggling. You wonder if they dared her to come over here. It remind you of your friends back home. She sent them to his phone, and he smiled, "Thank you. You're a great photographer."
"Are you guys on vacation?" She asked. Hyunjin nodded, "Mmh. We are."
"Well, I just wanted to tell you that you guys make a cute couple! I should get going." The girl laughed awkwardly, then ran off to her friends. Hyunjin laughed, glancing at you, "That was funny. She was really sweet." All of her group was giggling as they looked at Hyunjin, and your eyebrows shot up, "Pretty sure she only came here because they thought you were handsome."
"Well. Then it's a good thing they know I'm yours." He squeezed your waist, nails digging into your sides. You studied his face and how there was not an ounce of worry on it. In fact, you'd never seen him look so relaxed. So you asked, "Does that stuff not scare you? What if they post it online or something?"
"Well, it seemed innocent. Her reasons. I don't want to assume that everyone that approaches me has some ulterior motive, or is out to get me. That mindset is what pushed me away from you at the start and I'm trying to get over it. Her intentions seemed genuine enough."
"That makes sense."
"And it would be really narcissistic of me to assume everyone in the world knows who I am." He said, a pink flush in his cheeks, "Even when it is a fan, if I'm by myself, I welcome it. I know I would be scared going up to my idols, soā¦if someone approaches me, I think it's really brave."
"Does that happen to you a lot?"
"Yeah, it does. I find it cute when they talk to me. It's always so nice to meet them up close, especially when they take time out of their lives to support me, I mean I'm a total stranger to them, aren't I?"
You smiled, "They're so lucky to have you, you know. Not every celebrity would be so welcoming. I've heard a lot of them are dicks, but what do I know? You're the only famous person I know."
He smiled, looking over you at the boats passing, "I chose this life for myself, andā¦the people that support me, I never want to push them away. They're the reason I'm here, the reason I can take you out, and why I can live my dream."
"Wow. Seemed like you really enjoyed the fashion week." You said. He laughed, "I just realised how lucky I am to have what I have. I've been taking it for granted too often."
You couldn't help the smile on your lips. Hyunjin had so often been hurt by the life he lived, and to see him be grateful for it was the most special thing. You knew how hard he had worked for this. He tucked your hair back, "Anyway, do you want to get some coffee? There's a good bakery down the street."
"If my answer to that question is ever no, you'll know I've been possessed by someone else." You joked. He laughed, grabbing your hand again to lead the way. You don't know how he knew the way instinctively and didn't even have to look it up. It was hot.Ā
The sky stretched pale blue over the town. You tried to take it all in, but it was hard to focus on anything but the boy by your side. At one point, he switched hands so he could hold your waist, as you crossed the street over, watching bikes go by. The city was so alive, and you talked endlessly, telling him all about your day.Ā
It felt unreal to have this freedom with him.
"By the way, how was the fashion show? You haven't told me yet." You asked him. He glanced at you, "It was amazing. We were in a castle, which was pretty insane in itself. You would have loved it so much. The clothes were really beautiful. The creative director that invited me, she treated me well, which doesn't always happen. Sometimes it can feel just transactional butā¦she was so sweet. Inspiring how successful she was."
"That's nice." You smiled, as you approached the cafe. A chalkboard sign outside read 'Fresh Stroopwafels & Koffie | Cash Only'
It looked adorable, a green and blue awning extending out, bikes parked by the front. Hyunjin held open the door for you and you laughed, commenting on his chivalry.Ā
The scent of warm cinnamon and butter was strong. He went up to the counter to order, and you observed a wall full of postcards. You peered at them, reading all of the notes scribbled on them. The stories people had written were honest and funny. You read a postcard: i met my husband at this coffee shop fifteen years ago! we still come here every year for our anniversary
It made you smile. Fifteen years was a long time, but if you spent it with Hyunjin, it would go by in a blink. You wanted to put one up too. There was an adorable vending machine next to it, with postcards on display to buy, some hand-drawn, some photographs.
"Hyun?" You looked back at the counter. He was grabbing some stroopwafels in neatly packed brown paper, laughing with the coffee shop owner. The older man seemed sweet, handing Hyunjin your coffees. āYour girl is calling you.ā The man gestured to him. Hyunjin turned to you, āWhat is it, darling?ā
You blinked. It caught you off guard completely, and your stomach flipped. You were suddenly very aware of the room, of the glances from people nearby. Heat crept up your neck. āUmā¦ā You tucked your hands into your sleeves, āDo you have any change? I want to buy a postcard.āĀ
He nodded, with a small smile, and tossed you his wallet, āOf course.ā
It seemed like he couldn't care less that other people had heard him. It felt like a different him, one you'd never experienced in Seoul. Is this what he was like, with no restrictions and no stress? You smiled, trying to pick out what postcard you wanted. There was one with a watercolor print on it. It was perfect. It was only 50 cents. You reached into Hyunjin's wallet for change, and an unfamiliar crinkling got your attention.
You peeked inside.Ā
Fuck.
There were four condoms tucked neatly into Hyunjin's wallet.
Your head snapped up to his, unable to hold in your surprise. He was busy in conversation. But to you, everything else faded away. He ran a hand through his hair as he talked to the cafe owner. The bracelets on his wrist collided with each other, falling to his forearm, only stopped by the sleeve of his jacket.
The hair that he'd just pushed back was stubborn and it fell back into his eyes. Your gut twisted in pleasure, and you clenched around nothing.
Did he always carry these? Or did he bring them especially for this? You don't know which one was worse. They both made you feel insane.Ā
You imagined him purchasing it, thinking about the fact that he planned it, and you were heating up.Ā
"Did you find one you liked?" Hyunjin asked you, suddenly close to you. The bubble popped, and all of the sounds of the world came flooding back. You blurted, "Yeah."
If you said anything more, you would embarrass yourself. You input the change into the machine, and the postcard fell out. Hyunjin stood behind you, hand reaching out to grab it and he was standing too close. His voice was low as he looked at the postcard, "Oh, that's gorgeous."
"Mmh." You stared at it, and you suddenly didn't know what to write on it. Your mind was drawing a blank. Hyunjin nudged you, handing you your coffee. You grabbed it from him. Your fingers brushed his, and the contact lingered longer than it should have. Heat flickered up your arm, sudden and sharp, your body reacting before your mind could catch up. Your emotions are suddenly tenfold, and even when he's yours, you feel driven insane by your desire for him.Ā
"What are you gonna write on it?" He asked. You were finding it hard to breathe, his body hovering over yours, so casually.Ā
I should write that I love you and maybe that's the best way to tell you so I don't have to find the courage to say it. "Iā¦I don't know. Maybe I can come back later."
"Of course. Don't rush yourself, baby." He said, grabbing your hand. Your palms must be sweaty, but you followed him out of the cafe, trying a sip of your coffee to calm yourself. The setting sun was turning the sky into a beautiful purple. He watched you closely, smiling at your expression but he didn't know that you were wrecking him in your mind, "It's good, isn't it?"
"Yeah." It was one of the best you'd ever had, and Hyunjin sipped on his too as he said, "We should probably get going to dinner. It's a little further out from here."
He tossed his cup into a trash can, and then found your hand again. He's holding your things in his other hand, the souveniors from the museum and the bouquet he got you. "You bought a lot of things." He looked inside your Van Gogh bag. You smiled, "They are mostly for my friendsā¦there's some for you too. Jake, that guy you met, he actually helped me pick some out."
He looked up at you, "Am I allowed to see it?"
"Of course."
He rummaged through the shopping bag, and pulled out a set of postcards, "This for me?"
"Noā¦that's for Felix."
You felt his stance falter, and then he moved on, hand digging through the rest of the bag. You wanted to ask him what that meant. Why he had that reaction, but you're not stupid. You know he's always felt a certain way for Felix, but he also knows how you feel about him. And your feelings for Hyunjin are stronger than anything you've ever felt in your life.Ā
He let out a sigh, and you think he's going to say something about it, his lips searching for the words but he doesn't. So, you said, "The sketchbook is yours."
Hyunjin's eyes widened when he saw it, "Oh my god." He flipped through it, a quiet laugh leaving him, "It's perfect."
"I thought you could use it for when you travel." You explained. He looked at you, "How is it that it's supposed to be your birthday but you're the one getting me gifts?"
"I can't think of a better gift than us being here together."
Suddenly your phone rang, startling you. Yongbok was calling you. It's crazy. You were just talking about him. "Do you mind if I take this?" You asked Hyunjin. He nodded, "Of course, but we're almost at the tram stop."
"I'll hurry." You told him, picking up the call, "Hey."
"Oh my god, you finally picked up. I was going crazy and thought you were going to break our midnight tradition." Felix said. Right. He had a habit of seeing you on the dot at twelve every year on your birthday. It must already be midnight there in Daejon. He didn't know you weren't home. You smiled, "I know, I'm sorry, I missed your call I think."
"Phew. Scared me. Well, Happy birthday, love. I know we've had our ups and downs, and last year was particularlyā¦trying for us but you're the greatest girl I know and nothing changes that, even if we had a crazy summer. I can't wait for you to come home in summer. I promise I'll be a little less toxic." He laughed. You smiled, "Thank you. You're so sweet, Yongbok. How's Minho and the others? You guys miss me?"
Hyunjin glanced at you at that, realising who you were talking to, his expression shifting. Felix continued, "Obviously we miss you. I hope I was still the first one to call you. Oh, also I know you're not in touch with Hyunjin butā¦god I'm so fucking jealous of him. How is he always so lucky? I should have stayed friends with him."
'"What do you mean?" You were confused. Felix sighed, "You know, that picture of him with Naomi Scott. The actress? She's so fucking hot. You don't remember I had the biggest crush on her when we were teenagers? And of course he met her!"
"Y/N. We have to go. The tram's here." Hyunjin motioned to you, and you were still a block away. Your gut twisted, and you asked Felix, "How do you know that?" "Of course you're out of the loop. She posted about it on her Instagram." He mumbled. You looked up, and now the tram was pulling out of the station, "Sorry I gotta go, Lix. I'll talk to you later."
Hyunjin was staring at you expectantly, almost disappointed that you missed the tram. You hung up, and then smiled apologetically at him, "I'm so sorry about that. He wanted to be the first one to wish me."
You had no idea who that actress was, but you'd heard Felix talk about her when you were teenagers. Hyunjin nodded, leaning against the tram stop, "Is this your first birthday away from him?"
You glanced up, trying not to think about it. This wasn't the time and place to feel jealous over a faceless woman. You didn't even know her or what she looked like. Just that she was an actress and somehow had posted a picture with Hyunjin. Why hadn't he mentioned it? You thought hard about his question, "I guess, yeah. We've always been together ever since I was a kid andā¦even though I didn't ever go all out in celebrating it, Felix would always do something for me."
Hyunjin crossed his arms as you waited for the next tram, "Like what?"
You tried not to focus on your feelings, but instead on the moment, answering him, "When we were still in school, we had a curfew, which sucked and I was very upset about it on my 16th birthday. So later that night, he snuck out so he could come to my house at midnight. He showed up with my favorite cake from this bakery that we definitely couldn't affordā¦andā¦I'm pretty sure he stole it, which is just not like him." You rolled your eyes at the memory.
"Did he get in trouble?"
"So much trouble after. He said it was worth it⦠for me. Everyone was pretty mad at him for a week." You laughed, "But they all forgave him pretty easy, he's the golden boy."
"Thatā¦that sounds really nice." Hyunjin said. "Yeahā¦" You sat down on the bench to rest, "Sorry. I made us miss the tram."
"No, it's not your fault." He said, a little too quick, eyes wandering to his phone. "Glad you got to talk to Felix. I think the next tram is in twelve minutes."
You frowned at his lackluster response, but Hyunjin stayed quiet. You wanted to ask him about Naomi and whatever the picture was. This wasn't the time. You looked at a pair of ducks in the canal, swimming along perfectly. A little girl crouched by the canal, holding out a piece of bread for them, right next to the 'No Feeding' Sign. You hugged your coat tighter to yourself, "Well, There's worse places to be waiting. Like how is this real?"
Hyunjin didn't respond, and when you looked at him, he was busy looking at something on his phone. "Our dinner reservation is in thirty minutes. Hopefully we make it on time."
"Are they gonna hold the table for us if we're behind?"Ā
"No. Probably not. They're very popular."
"Right."Ā
Hyunjin was uncharacteristically quiet, and reserved. You didn't want anything to taint this perfect day, so you asked, "Are you okay? I'm sorry I took that call, I know I probably could have waitedā"
"It doesn't matter, Y/N."
You weren't prepared for that response. He seemed upset at you. You would apologize, if Hyunjin admitted what he was really upset about. He was your entire world and you couldn't have him be mad at you, for even a second. It had to be your phone call with Felix that upset him. That could be the only reason, but you knew if you asked him that, you'd probably hurt him more. That was the last thing you wanted to do.
You didn't want to push him, but you weren't going to prolong this tension so you said, "But it's okay if you're upset at me. Just tell me and we canā"
"Not everything is about you, Y/N. I'm not upset."
What the hell?Ā
Your heart twisted, and you stared at him. But he wasn't looking at you. It seemed like he didn't want to talk. You crossed your arms, staring at the display that still showed ten minutes. You were so confused. You couldn't go to dinner with this tension brewing underneath. You looked back at him, "If it's not about me, then why aren't you talking to me?"
He looked right at you, hands tucked in his pockets, "What do you wanna talk about?"
You blinked, "Iā¦you can tell me if something's wrong."
"I know that. My manager's justā¦asking me where I am."
"Oh." That explained his frustration, "What are you going to say to him?"
"I don't know, Y/N." He chuckled, irritation in his tone, "You got any ideas?"
It was clear he didn't want to talk to you right now. So you shook your head, staring at the pattern on your tights, waiting for the tram. You didn't want to get hung up on this argument.
Right on time, the tram slowed to a stop in front of you.
Hyunjin gestured for you to get on first, and you did, slipping into the crowd of people. No seats so you moved toward the middle, careful not to brush against anyone, one hand curling around the metal pole to steady yourself.
You waited for him to come up beside you. By the time you turned, heād stopped a few steps away, separated from you by a wall of strangers. There wasnāt enough space for the two of you to squeeze in together.
Your chest tightened yet again. He said he wasn't upset, but he wasn't even looking at you.
Outside, the world slid by. It was beautiful and you wanted to enjoy it. The tram jerked to a stop, and the doors opened with a chime. A woman struggled to manoeuver a stroller through the crowd, muttering apologies as people shifted. Before you could move, Hyunjin was already helping her. He reached for the front of the stroller, lifting it carefully, guiding it past the narrow space with practiced ease. The woman smiled, clearly relieved. āThank you⦠youāre so sweet.ā
He smiled back, soft, polite. A small dimple appeared in his cheek. You forced your gaze away from him. Relationships were always so fucking confusing and it was your fault for not being too experienced in one. Your thoughts circled back, unhelpfully, to her. That actress Yongbok had mentioned.
You looked at Hyunjin, but he was already looking at you. Before you could say something, he said, "This is us."
"Okay." You nodded, but your voice hardly came out. You were getting too upset over all of this and you weren't going to start crying because of a stupid disagreement, and a slight change in his mood. You were an adult and you'd navigate this like one. You were more mature than that.
The tram eased to a stop, and Hyunjin let you step off first, his hand hovering at your back for just a second. Immediately, you felt the wind on your skin, cutting through your tights, under your coat. The scent of seawater was unmistakable. You hadn't realised how far you'd traveled.
The sky had turned darker, heavy clouds gathering.Ā
In the distance, perched near the water, was the restaurant. Warm light spilled from its windows, glowing against the pebbled pathway leading up to it. You could tell why he made such a big deal of it. The restaurant seemed beautiful, and there was a standby line to get in. The Beacon, the sign read. You followed Hyunjin past the line, to the hostess desk. Hyunjin looked at you, his voice low, "Give me a second."
He stepped up to the hostess stand, leaning in slightly so she could hear him over the live music and the chatter. She flipped through her book, her finger tracing down the page before she shook her head. Of course. There was a line and you shouldāve expected that. And suddenly all you could think about was how much this seemed to matter to him, how carefully heād planned it. If they turned you awayā¦he would be so upset. But he kept talking to her, and her expression shifted, she looked up at him and laughed. Then, they both turned to you, and she said, "You can follow me to your table."
She led you through the restaurant, until you were right by the window facing the water. Your gaze caught on something in the distance, just beyond the curve of the water.
A lighthouse.Ā
It looked abandoned.
It stood out, like a relic of a different time, amongst the landscape. āThat's beautiful,ā you murmured, glancing out toward the water. Hyunjin glanced at it absentmindedly, shrugging off his corduroy jacket, revealing his white-button up shirt. "Yeah."
"Oh, yes. That used to be in use like a hundred or so years ago. Our restaurant is named after that." The hostess smiled at you, as you sat down, taking your coat off. Hyunjin pushed his sleeves up to his arm, taking the seat across you. His gaze lingered on your dress, for a second too long. You looked around, it seemed so popular. You'd never been to a restaurant this nice. Nobody had ever taken you to a date like this before.
"Would you like to start off with some wine?" The hostess asked. Hyunjin nodded, "Definitely. Are you in the mood for red? I can pick one that I think you'd like."
"I trust you."
He gave you a small nod, continuing to read through the menu, "Perfect."Ā
The time to talk it out seemed to have come and gone, but you didn't want that to stop you. You hated the simmering tension, and you just wanted to resolve this. But perhaps the mature thing to do would be to act normal, and move on. It seemed like that's what he was doing. The hostess returned before you could find the courage to speak.Ā
You watched her for a second. The restaurant was packed, yet she kept circling back to your table like it was the only one that mattered. It definitely was because of Hyunjin. She leaned in slightly, curls bouncing as she smiled. āHave we decided?ā
āYes,ā Hyunjin said, without hesitation. āCould we get the ChĆ¢teau Margaux? That oneās not too bitter, right? I want something a little sweeter for her.ā
The hostessās smile widened as she looked at you, amused. āI think sheāll love it.ā
"Thank you." Hyunjin smiled, and then she left you alone again. You smiled, hoping to make a joke, "Are we gonna keep getting interrupted like that the rest of the night, you think?"
Hyunjin's eyebrows shot up, "Iā¦I guess so. Until we order."
"Right." You placed your hands in your lap, pulling at your dress, wondering how to get to it, "That lighthouse seems cool. I've never seen one this close."
Hyunjinās expression softened almost immediately, something in his shoulders loosening. His lips parted, and he said, "Yeah."Ā
He looked at you, really looked at you, for the first time in a while, and he did look so attractive in this light. It was distracting. The glow from the candle over his face highlighted his cheekbones, his lips, his jaw. It flickered over his face in shadows, and his eyes peered into yours.
This was ridiculous. You weren't going to fight him. You said, "Hyunjin. About earlierā¦"
At the same time he said, "I'm sorry for what I said to you." But before he could continue, he was interrupted, āFor the lovebirds!ā The hostessās voice cut through. She appeared at your side with a bottle of wine and two glasses, setting them down between you. She poured his glass, asking him, "Have you decided what you'd like to start with? I recommend the house special, but of course, anything on the menu you prefer."
He was still looking at you, lost in thought, so you spoke up, "Could we have a few minutes to decide? We haven't had a chance to look at the menu yet."
"Of course." She smiled, giving you space. You glanced at the menu, and it didn't even have the prices on it. You flipped over, and everything was in Dutch. You glanced up at him, and he was quietly reading the menu. He had been trying to apologize. You just wanted to talk it out with no interruptions and put this in the past.
Your phone buzzed, and you turned it over for a second. Yongbok had sent you a link.
he's one lucky son of a bitch
But you put your phone in your lap, your fingers moving before you could think too hard about it, opening the link. It was the actress's page. She had eleven million followers. How was that even possible? The number didn't feel real. You didn't even really have to scroll. Her last post was from the Fashion Week. Hyunjin was in it.
You barely noticed when the hostess came back to get your order, and she was only talking to Hyunjin, not to you. She was flirting with him clearly, but their conversation faded away.
You stared at the picture.
Of course, it was so normal. Yongbok made such a big deal out of everything. Hyunjin was smiling, like anybody does, with her at the bar. They were surrounded by a few other people. They all looked famous. His hand was around her waist, tight.Ā
You took a long sip of your wine, hoping it would relax you.
Ā "Y/N." Hyunjin called your name, "Is that okay with you, or did you want to order something else?"
God. Never mind. Yongbok was right. She was the most beautiful girl you'd seen. And from the comments, it seemed like eleven million other people thought the same.
He was having such a good time at the fashion week. Would he regret coming here to see you? You definitely couldn't compete with the things he must have done, the people he would have met, the sights he saw. Now he was stuck with you. Your grip tightened slightly around the stem of the glass. How could a setting this romantic suddenly feel so frustrating?
You needed air.
"Can you give me a minute? I just need to go to theā¦You can order for me." You stood up, the seat creaking as you did. Hyunjin looked up at you, brows furrowed, "Yeah. Sure."
You made your way through the restaurant, walking past all the happy couples and the crowd. It was really so beautifully lit and in any other circumstance, you would have appreciated it more. You needed air, and to calm down. After that, you'd go back to a dinner of what sounded like amazing food.Ā
A glass door led outdoors, and without thinking, you stepped through.
You rubbed your arms, goosebumps rising instantly, your dress no match for the wind. You wished youād brought your coat. The view was beautiful, and you grounded yourself in its beauty. Your boots were digging into the mud, and that probably wasn't a good look for when you went back.
From here, the lighthouse was even closer. The door to it swung open with the wind, a loud creaking as it banged against the white brick. You stared at it, as it eerily stood out against the backdrop.
Fuck. You should be overjoyed.
Hyunjin, the love of your fucking life, had brought you out on a date to the best restaurant in the city. He certainly didn't have an obligation to. But the night was spiraling, or maybe it was just you.Ā
You stepped towards the water. The pebbles shifted beneath your feet, damp and uneven, and you barely thought about your boots sinking into them. They were already ruined. What did it matter now?
A low rumble of thunder rolled through the sky, and it made you flinch, your shoulders tensing. You glanced up at the sky, a droplet falling from the clouds, making its way down to you. You felt it on your forehead, and it trailed down your cheekbone, down your neck.
There had to be a reason your past relationships never lasted. Maybe this was it. Maybe you just⦠did this. Took something good and picked at it until it fell apart.
"Y/N?" Hyunjin's voice interrupted your reverie.Ā
Oh.Ā
He had followed you. Of course.
You turned as he approached, the wind tugging at his clothes, at his hair. āHeyā¦whatās wrong?ā He asked, a little breathless. āThey said you went to the restroom and Iā¦ā He swallowed, āI thought you left.ā
Your chest twisted at that. You would never leave him like that. You would be insane to.
āHyunjin.ā You said, quieter now, āI told you. I just needed some air.ā
You hadnāt realized how far youād walked until now. The restaurant lights felt distant behind him.
"It's about to storm. You shouldn't be out here." He stepped closer. His hair had fallen out of place, pushed loose by the wind, strands brushing against his forehead. A flash of lightning followed and Hyunjin spoke, "Y/N. We should reallyā Fuck, what are you doing?"
You pushed open the door to the lighthouse and it creaked loudly as you stepped inside. You don't really know what you were doing. Escaping. Trying to talk about anything else. Distracting yourself. You gaped up at the structure. It surprised you, despite your sadness. The spiral staircase coiled upward endlessly, disappearing into the dark.
He stepped in behind you, and the door slammed shut behind him with a thud that echoed up through the tower. "We really shouldn't be here." He said, but his wonder escaped him and he too was looking around.Ā
Light bled through the boarded windows in thin strips, scattering across the floor. Your footsteps echoed when you moved, sharp against the stone floor. His next command was half-hearted like even he didn't believe it, "We should get back to dinner before the rain starts. I don't want to be stuck here."
"We're not gonna be stuck here, Hyunjin."
"I think the restaurant used to do tours here." He stated, "I remember seeing this when I was here with Changbin."
The air inside felt colder. It was a good distraction from your inner turmoil. You glanced back at him, "Really?"
"Hmm." He walked over to the staircase, running his hand over the metal railing, "The view up there was beautiful. I guess they don't do tours anymore. We're probably trespassing."
"Yeah, doesn't look like anybody's been here in a while." You said, hugging yourself and then glanced at him. Guess he was distracting himself too.
The distance between the two of you felt astronomical.Ā
It was rare for you two to be so far apart.Ā
You don't know what you were doing here. He was still upset. You still felt at fault.Ā
Hyunjin was so quiet, staring at you.Ā He had been trying to apologize before he was interrupted, but he was silent now.
Maybe you'd just go back and get dinner and pretend nothing was wrong. You weren't in the mood for confrontation.
You swallowed, "You're right. We shouldn't be here."
Something in his gaze shifted.Ā
You glanced toward the tall windows. Rain. It had come down all at once, heavy and relentless, streaking the glass. The wind roared loud enough that you could hear it even through the walls, like the storm had wrapped itself around the tower.
"Well, shit." You mumbled, watching the downpour outside, "I take that back."
āWe could make a run for it.ā He said, still watching you.
You considered it for half a second. Another flash of lightning lit up the tower. It didn't feel like the best option. You looked up at the coiling staircase.Ā
āIām going upstairs.ā You didnāt wait for his reaction, your foot already on the first step.
āY/N. What?ā He moved quickly this time, closing the distance between you easily, his hand catching your arm before you could go any further. āYou canāt do that.ā
You looked back at where his fingers gripped your arm, "Why? You said the view was good. We're here, might as well, right?"
"It could be dangerous." He stated. You tipped your chin upward, trying to see where the staircase led, "I've never been inside a lighthouse before."
He tugged at your arm, "And maybe that's for a reason."
"If it was dangerous, they wouldn't leave the door open." You narrowed your eyes at him and eased out of his hold, taking another step up, then another, the metal stair groaning beneath your weight. "You can stay here."
"There's no way I'm letting you go by yourself." He said, and he was just as stubborn as you, so he followed you. Each stair creaked with your weight, and Hyunjin followed closely behind you, as you got closer to the top. The staircase got tighter the higher you went. You gripped the railing with one hand, the other holding the hem of your dress up to keep you from tripping. Maybe you should've worn something more practical. You just really wanted to see the view.
"This is stupid." He mumbled, Ā "We should get back to dinner."
"I didn't ask you to follow me., and we won't be gone long." You glanced back, and at the top step, your heel caught in the wooden board. You stumbled, losing your balance for a second. Before anything could happen, Hyunjin immediately grabbed you, hands coming around your waist. His eyes were wide. "Are you okay?" He asked, holding you to him.
Your eyes searched his, "Sorry. That must beā¦the wine."
"You're going to kill me." He swore under his breath. You tried to shake it off, feeling the dip in your stomach and said, "We're here."
You stepped out into the little room at the top. The lantern room. In the center of the room was the broken light, a wooden ledge around it and then the windows on all sides that looked out at the sea. The waves were so high.Ā
You were still feeling the adrenaline from your almost-fall so you steadied yourself against the railing. It took your breath away. "It's so beautiful."Ā
The intensity of the storm could be felt from up here, like you had almost climbed right into it, protected by only the glass of the lighthouse. It felt fragile. The wind roared against the glass, and if you stayed still enough, it would feel like you were swaying.Ā You smiled, "That's gorgeous. I'm glad I saw this."
"Are you gonna tell me why we're here?" Hyunjin asked. You turned to face him, and your head was spinning less now, watching him against this backdrop.Ā
"The view isn't enough?" You asked him. He sighed, "You stepped away from dinner. Do youā¦not like the place?"
"That's the fanciest place I've ever been, Hyunjin. I like it a lot. Thanks for bringing me here. I was just feeling really overwhelmed." You crossed your arms, looking out at the view, and you had both been skirting around the topic this entire evening.Ā
You were wound up too tightly and if you were finally talking, you would talk about everything. This is the opportunity you'd been waiting for, and you weren't going to drag things on any further. You weren't too proud of yourself, and you could take accountability. You took a breath, turning to face him, "I ruined tonight, didn't I?"
Hyunjin's expression shifted so quick, like out of all the things in the world, he didn't expect you to say that. "What are you talking about? You didn't ruin anything."
"I didn't? But you're upset. Or mad at me. I don't know."
"Fuck." He ran a hand over his face, like replaying the night in his head, "You're right. I am upset, but I'm not mad at you, Y/N."
Your stomach sank, "I don't understand. Is there a difference?"
He looked at you like it was the craziest question to ask him, "Of course there is. I could never be mad at you.ā He swallowed and paused. āThat wouldnāt even be me. I'm sorry if I acted otherwise. There's just been a lot on my mind."
You stepped towards him, "Because of your manager? I'm sorry that happened." He was quiet at your words, like they upset him. It must have really been bothering him. You continued, "I..I wish I knew how to fix things, or had better advice to give but your world is so confusing to me, and I'm trying my best, I promise."
"Y/Nā¦" He inhaled, running both hands over his face, "I really didn't want to be doing this right now."
Maybe he was right. This certainly wasn't the time and place to be doing this. The rain raged on in the background, and your table was waiting for you. Still, if you didn't talk now, you couldn't make it through an awkward dinner. This day was so special to you. You couldn't ruin that.
You shouldn't push, but you didn't want to hold things in, not with Hyunjin. He was the one person you could be honest with, and know that he would understand you. Your eyebrows shot up, "Then what do you suggest we do? If you have to leave, we don't have to be here. I don't want this dinner to feel like some kind of obligation like everything else in your lifeā"
He shook his head the more you talked, "You're missing the point, completely."
"And what is the point?" There was an edge in your voice that you wished you could take back but you had so much to say, "Because you're sitting there, ignoring me, pretending like everything is fine and I thought I could do that too but I can't. You weren't even looking at me on the tram, like I'm some stranger. I know your manager is freaking you out, but you can't take that out on me. I didn't even ask to be here! I would never want you to risk your job for me. I care about that more than anyone, you know that. I didnāt ask you to come here.ā
"So you're saying I shouldn't have come?"
You immediately regret it, guilt flooding in like a massive headache, "That'sā¦not what I'm saying. Why won't you just tell me what's wrong?"
"This isn't the time to have this conversation. We should go back. I already ordered us duck confit and more wine." He sighed.
You didn't want fucking duck confit. You needed to talk to him. The rain was about to let up. You felt panic in you. The storm had been the only thing keeping you in here, and you wished time would stop so you could resolve this.Ā
"I canāt.ā You said, the words leaving you, āI canāt just go back to dinner and pretend everythingās fine.ā You tried to steady your breath, āI'm sorry you're dealing with this. I understand that your manager's trying to get to you and Iā"
"I don't give a fuck what my manager says, Y/N!"
You blinked. āWhat? Butā¦you saidā"
"That wasnāt true. I just said that because it was easier, fuck." He let out a short laugh, dragging a hand through his hair like even he couldnāt quite believe what he was admitting. āIt sounds stupid,ā He said, shaking his head. āThatās what I should be stressed about, right?ā
You were confused, "But if that's not what you're upset about..."
His eyes found yours again, "That's what I should be stressed about. Yet all I can think about is the fact that you were in the museum with a stranger instead of me. I can't stop thinking about it since this morning, that if I'd got on an earlier flight, I could have been with you instead."
Your eyes widened, understanding sinking into you.Ā
"And if anythingā¦" He continued, "I'm the one ruining tonight because I forget how to act when I'm around you. And I know what you're gonna say. That stranger, the one you met on a plane, is just that, a stranger. That he doesn't matter to you. I know he doesn't. But it kills me still."Ā
"Hyunjinā¦." You were taken aback at his outburst, at the passion with which he suddenly spoke. He was jealous about something that hadn't even occurred to you. It had been so insignificant. Only a coincidence that you'd met Jake in the Van Gogh museum.
He finally, finally admitted it. Out loud.
Another flash of lightning lit up the room, scattering over his face, and he moved away from the railing, towards you.Ā
Up close, you could see how this affected him. The faint flush climbing up his neck, across his cheeks, like he was embarrassed by the very thing he couldnāt stop saying.Ā
"And I'm having the most perfect day with youā¦" His voice got louder, restraint unraveling thread by thread, "And thenā Felix! Heā¦he's such a lovely person. He was so kind to me, but I can't help but hate him. I hate him because he's known you for every birthday, and I only have you for this one. I don't care that he's your best friend, I care that he had the guts to tell you his feelings before I can even wrap my head around them."
Your heart was going to beat out of its chest as you looked at him. You couldn't hold back, āThatās why you were upset?ā
He stepped closer, and the space between you shifted, tightening as you circled each other in the narrow lighthouse.
"God, it sounds stupid saying it out loud. The thing I should be worried about, this job, my entire life, I couldn't care less about. But I feel like a fucking teenager, and I didn't want to talk about this because it's soā¦juvenile. I don't get jealous. It's easier to pretend my manager is the enemy. I like to think I'm more mature than that but thinking about you with anybody else, kills me. Thinking about someone else having your attention drives me insane."
Is he crazy? You want to tell him how nobody in this world could even stand a chance next to him. He's had your soul captured since the day you saw him. Nothing can even come close. But of course, you know exactly what he means, because you felt the same when you consumed all of the pictures of him at the fashion show.
"But I'm here with you, Hyunjin."
His voice softened, "I know, I know you are. Andā¦this is everything I ever wanted. I wish I had a better handle on my emotions and I'm trying to work on it, you obviously do it much better than me."
You almost laughed, "No, I don't."
At those words, he stepped closer as if asking you to explain. It was hard to focus on what you wanted to say, when he looked like this. But all you could think about was how clueless he was. How did he still not realize what he meant to you?Ā
You tried to find the words for all the feelings you'd suppressed, "When you were at the show, I saw everything from it. I know I probably shouldn't have. That's always been a side I've kept separate from myself, from us. But I couldn't avoid you even if I wanted to. You were literally on the airport TV, and it made me realise how everybody knows you. Everybody loves you. Which isā¦so stupid because I've known that from the moment I met you."
His eyes widened, like he didn't expect that.Ā
And you weren't done talking, it felt good to finally say everything that was on your mind. You kept so much to yourself but Hyunjin should know, "You fit right into that world, and that world is so far away from who I am, but you're molded to it. You're built for it. And how could anything else compare to that high? And after meeting all of those people, likeā¦like that actress, Naomi. Now you're here with just me. Do you not regret it? Leaving that behind? You could be doing something so much better than being here."Ā
Hyunjin's stance changed, "Howā¦how do you know about her? Actually, that's not important. She asked me to get drinks with her, and I didn't really have a choice."
"Butā¦everybody thinks you should be together."
"You can't let that get to you, Y/N. People are going to talk like that online. They make up a lot of stuff. That doesn't mean it's true."
"I know how the internet works, Hyunjin. I'm not stupid. I just don't like how that made me feel." You crossed your arms again, and confessing had made you feel slightly better.
His expression softened, and it's like relief had flooded him, "What did it make you feel?"
You felt embarrassed to admit any of this, and saying all of this out loud felt like mirroring what he'd just admitted. That none of this should matter but it did. There were bigger things to worry about, but you were hung up over these stupid, uncontrollable feelings. For a second, it felt almost unsettling.
As if your thoughts, your reactions, your instincts had been running parallel this whole time without either of you saying it. Were you only feeling this way, because he was? Or was he only feeling this way because you were? As if your souls were intertwined, and you felt everything he did. Except you just handled it ten times worse.Ā
God, he was just like you. It scared you so much. This wasn't normal, to be so attached to a person that you couldn't even control your own emotions.
You swallowed your words, "That doesn't even matter anymore. Let's just go back to dinner and get through this night."
Hyunjin watched you walk to the stairs, "Y/N. Waitā" He followed you, again, and his voice dropped, "Tell me how it made you feel."
You turned around, suddenly feeling so vulnerable, "Why? I'm embarrassed."
His voice was soft, "After everything I said? You shouldn't be. At least now it makes sense why I was feeling that way."
"It does?"
"I feel everything you feel." He took a step towards you, "And no, I don't regret coming here at all. If only you knew what I was thinking."
You looked up at him, heart shaking and no words came out. His eyes studied your face.
He stepped even closer, "All I could think about when I was there was you. I left everything to be closer to you. I'm sorry I was distant. I'm sorry I acted like an asshole. When I couldn't contact you at the show, I literally couldn't focus on anything. All I do, every waking moment, is think about you. It's annoying actually, how you can't stay out of my head."
Your back hit something cold and metal. You barely registered moving, only that youād been guided, until you were pressed against the center of the room. The broken light stood behind you, its glass dull and scratched, as you instinctively leaned against it for balance. You felt unsteady on your feet.
You glanced up at him, watching the way he looked at you, and your voice came out so weak, "But you must have been having such a good time there."
"Yeah, it was great." He towered over you, pressing you into the ledge, and his voice was so soft, "But I don't care about the show. Or the people there. I don't want any of that."
"You don't�"
Staring at him now, you'd give up your life for his happiness and this was just insane. It was so terrifying.
"Y/N..." He leaned in closer, "Can I tell you something? You're just gonna have to take my word for it, and trust me on that."
"Yeah?" You're holding your breath.Ā
He grabbed your hand, his fingers big over yours, curling over your palm, and his voice was so low, "And I know that you trust me. So trust me when I say this."
He tightened his grip on your hand, like he was grounding himself. For a second, it looked like he was going to say something ā but nothing came out. His jaw clenched, eyes flicking away from yours, like he couldnāt hold your gaze.
āFuckā¦ā He exhaled under his breath, bracing himself, "You make me so fucking nervous. I feel like I'm going to die. I know this is probably going to shock you. And maybe Iām fucking overstepping."
Then he looked right at you, "But...I need to tell you. Even if you don't feel the same. I don't want to be anywhere but here, with you. "
"Hyunā¦"Ā
"All I want is to be yours." His gaze locked on yours, intense, āI am so in love with you, it kills me.ā
The words hung between you, swallowed by the storm.
For a second, you didnāt understand what heād said.
Your breath caught somewhere in your chest. You stared at him, searching his face, like maybe youād misheard, like maybe the thunder had twisted it into something it wasnāt.
But he wasnāt looking away.
Your pulse stuttered, loud in your ears, drowning everything else out.
āHyunjinā¦ā Your voice came out thinner than you expected. āWhat? Are you serious?ā
Hyunjin was staring at you, like it was inevitable, like he hadn't spoken something unbelievable.Ā
Your fingers tightened slightly in his without you realizing.
ā¦He loved you?
There was no air in your lungs.
A sound left him, half laugh, half exhale, "Am I seriousā¦.? Fuck. Do you think I would lie about something like that?"
You stared up at him, and how he'd beat you to it, and the relief on his face was unmatched. "No... No, you wouldn't."
"Right." He said, and you felt electricity all the way down to your toes. He leaned in, and his face was inches from yours, "Is that crazy? Does it scare you⦠how I feel about you?ā
Hyunjin loved you. The thought didnāt settle. It hit, and hit again, like your body didnāt know where to put it.
It didn't feel real. Of all the people in this world he could have met, he loved you.
"That doesn't scare me." You felt possessed by a strange bravery, "Because itās the only thing in the world I know for certain. I've been in love with you ever sinceāā
He didn't let you finish.
His mouth crashed against yours, unrestrained, urgent like he couldnāt hold himself back a second longer.
His hands gripped your waist, fingers tightening around your dress as he pulled you closer, closer until you were lifted, sitting on the ledge. He'd never kissed you like this. Like something was breaking loose inside him.
He pulled back, lips wet, staring at you, "Fuck. You're serious."Ā
You nodded, out of breath, "I am."
His gaze was half-lidded, "Say it again."
You blinked up at him, and all of this newfound courage had replaced all your fear, "I've loved you for as long as I've known you. It's eaten me alive.
A beautiful smile came on his face, disbelief in his eyes, "That's not real."
You frowned, mirroring his earlier words, "Do you think I would lie about something like that?"
He laughed louder now, eyes crinkling in the way you loved, "Yeah?" He was holding you so close, but not close enough, "Why did you never tell me?"
You grabbed his hands where they rested on your waist, "I don't know... I'm not as brave as I think I am. I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same."Ā
His gaze softened, "You don't have to be brave with me."
"That's easy for you to say." You said. He tilt his head, hair falling into his eyes, "I almost told you so many times, but chickened out before I could. The way I feel about you terrified me. But now, it's like breathing."
"God. You are so fucking romantic, Hyunjin."Ā
You pulled his face down to yours, closing the distance between you. You kissed him with everything you had, hands slipping into his hair, tugging at it. He liked that, you felt it in the way his body shifted, the low sound that slipped from his throat.
You can't believe this is what your dinner had turned into. It was so ridiculous you couldn't help but laugh. He frowned, the scrunch in his eyebrows beautiful, hands moving up your body, "What?"
"Just thatā¦they must be wondering where we are." You giggled, "Theā¦people at the restaurant. The hostess who definitely had a crush on you."
"Ridiculous." He mumbled, head dipping into your neck. Your head fell back, eyes closed as he left open-mouthed kisses down your neck, "No. She really did. I don't know how you don't see it, you're the most attractive man on the planet."
His kisses led him to your mouth, "I only care if you think that."
"Well, then that should be easy." You laughed, staring at him, nonchalant. His hair fell into his face, soft waves grazing his cheekbones. His mouth had your lip gloss all over it, and you mumbled, "I'm obsessed with you."
He stood between your legs, your dress hiked up to your thighs and you're sure the position would rip your tights but you couldn't care. "You have no idea what that does to me, when you say stuff like that."
Your gaze fell to his jeans, where you could see how hard he was, "I think I have an idea." You kissed him again, feeling him up through his shirt, pushing your tongue in his mouth and it was like a burden had been lifted from your chest. The only way to celebrate was to make out with him until you couldn't breathe.
"Y/N... We have to go back to dinner." He glanced behind you, "It's stopped raining."
You looked out the tall windows of the lighthouse, "It has." Then back at him and you still couldn't believe it. He'd been your dream for so long. You kissed him again, softly, cherishing it.
"Baby." His voice was hoarse as he kissed you back, "You're going to get us in trouble."
"What kind of trouble?" Your hand drifted lower, nails grazing over his jeans, and his hands immediately stopped yours before you could continue. His gaze darkened, but the lust in his voice was unmistakable, "You know what kind."
Your core tightened impossibly and he wouldn't even have to touch you in this state for you to come. The way he stood, his crotch was pressing into yours, and he was so hard. Your dress was history, bunched up at your hips so the only thing between you and him was your sheer tights, your lace underwear, his jeans. Three layers too much. Torturous.
Even with three layers between you, you could feel him. You could feel the shape of his cock, pressing into your core as it got harder each second and you got wetter.
You leaned forward to kiss him, and you grind up against him clumsily. "Y/N..." He let out a whine, "Wait until we get home."
"I'm sorry." You mumbled, and you were. You truly were sorry that you were always rushed. That you wanted him badder than anything on this world. So much so that you didn't care about the dinner anymore. How could he restrain himself so well? Your fingers moved up to his collar, "I'll stop. I'm sorry."
Hyunjin's gaze was intense, "You and I both know that you won't stop. And you're not sorry."
And then he was kissing you again, giving into you, grinding into you the same way. His hands sank into your hair again, tilting your head back to kiss you at a deeper angle and you wanted him to fuck you the same way.
Your hands had a mind of their own and you unbuttoned his shirt, fingers messily taking each button out of its loop. Why were there so many? You pulled it apart, with much too much force and a button clattered across the floor.Ā
He kept kissing you, body moving of his own accord, crotch rutting against yours for any semblance of friction. You moaned loudly, when it hit you just the right way and you squeezed him between your legs even more.
"Wait." You whined, pulling back so your fingers could unzip his pants. Adrenaline guided you and your hand slipped inside his pants, wrapping around his bare cock. His moan matched yours, a low groan, "Shit."
You kissed his neck as you felt him, hand moving over his cock in the way that he'd so patiently taught you before. His hips bucked with every touch and clumsily, you pushed his jeans down, out of the way. Your mind was on overdrive. You let go so you could take your tights off, fingers reaching under your own dress. He realized what you were doing. His gaze was intense on yours and his voice shook as he said, "Baby, we can't here. You deserve better than that."
You knew that he would say that. You could have bet on it.
But you decided what you deserved and after all this time and all this pining, you think you did deserve this.
"Butā¦I want you." You almost cried. You were dizzy from desire. You deserved him. You deserved to feel good and to make him feel good.Ā
He was trembling from being so close yet holding back. But still he kissed you, voice soft, "We can't here. You have to wait, my love."
Your voice was shaky, desperate, "All this timeā¦I've waited."
His eyes widened, the emotion in him shifting as he registered your words.Ā
You had both waited forever.Ā He knew you were right.
His fingers gripped you tightly as if what you said just woke him up. The question left his lips before he could even think about it, "What do you want me to do?"
"Just let me feel you. Only for a second. I just want you inside me." Your lip quivered from how bad you needed him. His gaze drifted over you, your parted lips, down to your chest and how fast you were breathing, your legs pushed apart
His hand reached into his pocket, but then his face fell.
"What?" Your voice was small, shifting closer. He suddenly sounded upset, "My wallet. I left it in my coat...at the table."
His wallet. It had the condoms.
"Oh."
He didn't have them. You would have to wait. You don't know how you'd be able to, not when your body was fighting to be with him. You would implode another second without.
You fixed the straps of your dress, pulling them back up onto your shoulder. Only a little embarrassed at the things you said. It was fine, it was fine, it was fine. A feeble attempt to bury your desire. Hyunjin watched you closely. The disappointment in your face, the furrow in your brows, your upturned lips.
If there was one thing Hyunjin hated more than anything, it was seeing you upset.
"Butā¦" He said, and you looked up at him, curious.
If he could do anything to take your sadness away, he would sell his soul for it.
He swallowed like he was nervous about voicing his thoughts, gaze thick on yours, "Butā¦if you still want me...you can have me."
Your core tightened at his suggestion.
He couldn't mean that. Raw.
Your heart sped up, and you were already dizzy from thinking about it. You'd dreamt about this for the better half of a year, and you'd talked about it to him in stolen kisses in photobooths. It had only been hypothetical then. It was real now.
You nodded, afraid that no words would escape you, but you managed to utter, "Yes, yes, I want you. I need you so badā"
And it was all he needed to hear. He kissed you, pushing you back against the ledge, cradling your head in his hands with an unbearable gentleness despite the animalistic way his hips rut against yours. You kissed him back, pushing your tongue in his mouth. He tasted so fucking good. You were addicte.
His fingers crawled up under your dress, and now that he had your permission, his restraint was lost. With one hand, he ripped your tights apart. The rip was loud and easy. His urgency sent a shockwave of pleasure through you, and you let out a loud moan.Ā
With your tights out of the way, he had you just how he wanted. His fingers pushed aside your lace underwear, and you couldn't help but watch. His fingertips brushed against you, and you were already so turned on. He could feel it. Your head was spinning and you thought you'd pass out.
He looked back up at you, to make sure you still wanted this as he moved closer, lining up his cock with you. Making sure you were ready, his eyes flickered over yours. You don't know what he saw. The lust, the impatience, all the years of waiting for him.Ā
"Baby?" He asked.
It wasn't even a question.
"Yes."
And you both watched as he disappeared inside you. It was like gravity, him sinking into you. It was inevitable, like fate. Slowly, he pushed into you. His grip on you tightened, "Fuck. Oh my god."
"Y/Nā¦" His chest rose and fell once, deep and shaky, like heād been underwater his entire life and just come up for air.Ā
It had been a long time since you'd done this with anyone. It had never felt this good. You tried to focus on the things you'd want to remember, every twitch on his face, and lift of his lips as he pushed himself deeper inside you. He was trying to do the same, watching your face, but getting distracted by how your body took him.
"Fuckkk." He mumbled, struggling to be coherent, and each word was desperate, "You feelā¦perfect."
You clenched around him, you weren't trying to, but his words were getting to you. You could feel your heartbeat in your ears, and your entire being felt on fire, and it felt like finally coming home. He was bigger than you'd ever had. Your body was literally molding to him, to fit him, and you wish it would remember this forever.
He hadn't even moved yet. He was still adjusting, pushing in deeper inside you. He held on tightly to your waist, fingers gripping the fabric of your dress. The other hand rested on your jaw so he could cradle your face because he was so sweet. He was so gentle even when his cock was buried in you.
It was so much to handle. You could cry from how good it felt to feel him. You could cry because this is how things should always have been, from the day you met, and this was only a natural state of being for the two of you. His voice was sweet like candy, "You're doing so good."
It was only supposed to be for a second, but you were both liars.
This is how it felt to be complete. He squeezed your waist, "Baby. I'm gonna move, okay?"
"Yes, please god move." Your hands settled around his neck, so you could anchor yourself to him. His lip turned up into a smile, "So polite." He slowly pulled out. The movement drew in a sharp breath from the both of you. The feeling of him dragging across your walls so sweet, so slow.Ā
Ā "Oh." You mumbled. Youād imagined this so many times, but nothing could have prepared you. There was something instinctive in the way he held you, like his body had memorized this before it even happened.
Your head fell onto his shoulder, unable to take how good it felt. So perfect. So big. He let you dig your nails into his neck, letting you use him as your anchor. He kissed you messily and he slid in so easily, "Shit. You're so tight, you're squeezing me.
You were already falling apart. You weren't sure how you'd survive much more of this. He looked at you like he was memorizing your face in this moment, "You okay, baby?"
It was terrifying how much you felt, how quickly it consumed your whole being. How quickly Hyunjin had taken over your entire life. It was still not close enough, you wanted to crawl inside his skin and breathe his breath and feel his heartbeat like your own.Ā
You nodded, squeezing your eyes shut as he moved again, and he was much stronger this time as he pushed into you. The force of his thrust shifted you against the ledge. You squeezed his shoulder blades and mumbled, "You feel so good in me. You're so big."
"Yeah?" His voice got lower, cock twitching at the compliment, "I've wanted you for so long."
Your eyes locked with his, "Really?"
His eyebrows shot up in the hottest way, "Really." Then he moved again, deeper than he had before, and you couldn't control the moan that escaped you. His fingers moved down your jaw, fiddling with the straps of your dress, "And you are so beautiful."
"Hyunā" You mumbled, tightening your arms around his neck, as he set a pace that would kill both of you. The ledge you were on wasn't made for passionate lovemaking so it shook with every thrust and you trust that Hyunjin could break it with his intensity. You tugged at his hair too harsh, and he whined desperately, "Kiss me, please."
So you did. You kissed him as he fucked you like no one else had before. You tugged at his lower lip. He let out a whine as you bit it, pulling at it. Something deep had been unleashed from within you.
You tightened your legs around him, and you were both a mess of half-removed clothes and passion. He mumbled, grinding into you, "You know that when we get back, I'm going to⦠fuck, I'm going to fuck you for real."
"Yeah." You nodded, kissing him in little pecks, "But I wanted you now."
"I know." He laughed, breathless, "And I'm always going to give you what you want." Another thrust. "Always."
He was faster now, rutting into you and you'd never been this turned on in your life. You clenched around him, squeezing him so tight as he buried himself to the hilt. His kisses were so sweet but he fucked like a man denied of all of his life's pleasures until this very moment. He pushed your dress back up to your hips. Your core tightened, an intense feeling deep in your body. He whispered, "I'm sorry, I'm not gonna last long, baby."
Each word was music to your ears, and the sound of him thrusting into you, it was like heaven. You kept his face close to yours, noses bumping every so often and you'd given up on trying to kiss him because you couldn't even think. His hair fell into his eyes messily, and his lips were parted as he concentrated only making you feel good, pounding into you. You were barely holding on, "I'm...I'm so close too."
He didn't break eye contact for a second as he fucked you even harder. Half-lidded eyes on yours, moans leaving his lips in desperation. It was all you needed to push you over the edge.Ā
You wanted to scream at how good it felt. Sex had never been this intense to you, orgasms had never been this explosive. Your eyes squeezed shut, legs locking around him as desire flooded you. He swallowed every moan, his tongue exploring your mouth like it was its home. "Hyun." You cried, "Don't stop."
And it only motivated him, so focused, so intense. "I won't." He promised, kissing you again, "God, I'm so in love with you."
You couldn't breathe. Nothing in your life could compare to this feeling. His hips moved against you in a way that was innate. You stifled your moans at your lasting desire, burying your head into his neck, and he held onto you tightly as he slowed his pace, "Baby."
Your hands settled on his cheeks, "I love you, Hyun. Come inside me, please, please, please."
It was as if your words were tied straight to his heart, to his arousal. His face twisted into pure pleasure as he came inside you, a low moan escaping his swollen lips. You watched the intricacies of his expression, the hoarseness of his moans, the desperation as he still thrust into you, filling you up. You gripped onto him tightly, until he was done and you could paint a picture of his gorgeous face.Ā
He was so beautiful like this. A sheen of sweat down his neck, down his body. You felt reborn. Even as he finished, it wasn't enough. You wanted more of him already.Ā
You were sensitive as he stayed in you a moment longer, cherishing you. You caressed his cheek, and he was standing unsteady, looking at you. He didnāt say anything right away, like words would fall short. Like you couldn't believe what just happened. You stared at each other. How had you known life before him? You couldn't imagine a life without him.
"Fuck." He spoke first, cheeks flushed, catching his breath. You kissed him, before he could say anything else. He gave into it, kissing you back, soft. You stayed there, like the moment would disappear if you let go of each other.
Hyunjin dropped his head on your shoulder, "Baby..."
The realization of where you were sank into you at the same time. The dinner. The restaurant. They must have noticed you were gone.
"We have to go, don't we?" You asked him, and your voice was beat. He smiled, and the drops of sweat dripped down his neck, "Yes. Weā¦we have to get back. But only if you want to. If you don't want to eat here, I can take you somewhere else, or I could take you home. Whatever you want." He was still inside you as he spoke so kindly.
It was tempting. How could you possibly go back to a state when he wasn't in you? But you laughed, "What about the duck confit?"
Hyunjin laughed too, his shoulders shaking, and his whole body was relaxed and tense at the same time, "Yeah. The duck confit...was number one in the city."
"Let's go." You decided, hand resting on his cheek, and your eyes fell to where your bodies met, "Will you be okay?"
He nodded, "Iā¦just need a second."
He had to pull out now, and you weren't looking forward to that but he slowly did. Even that felt so good, you had to bite your knuckle to not moan obscenely. It was going to be difficult to go out there like nothing had happened, and not act like a feral animal in the way you craved him.Ā
In the dim light of the lighthouse, you watched him as he buckled up his pants again, and it must be difficult with how hard he still was. You don't know how he'd possibly make it through the rest of the dinner. But there was no time to worry about that. You adjusted your underwear, and pulled your dress back down. Your tights had been torn so you decided to take them off.
He looked at you as you did that, a quiet longing in his gaze. He buttoned his shirt up, and one button was missing, and he said, with no disdain but only amusement in his voice, "You ripped my shirt apart, Y/N."
"I'm sorry." You realized, "I'll fix it later."
"Come on." He helped you off the ledge, back onto your feet. He gripped your arms for balance and said, "You feel okay?" "Yeah. Do I look fine?" He tucked your hair behind your ear, thumb wiping off your smudged lip gloss, "You look perfect."
What you wanted to ask him was if it would be obvious to everyone how your boyfriend had fucked you in the lighthouse. But you bit your lip, smiling at his compliment. Despite what just happened, you felt a flush taking over you, nervous in his presence. Now that you knew what he looked like in his most vulnerable, you couldn't stop imagining it every time you looked at him. He led you back downstairs, hand in yours, and you felt so special.
Back at the restaurant, the hostess was happy to have you back, and she believed Hyunjin when he told her that you were caught in the storm, taking refuge in the lighthouse. Your flushed faces, and wet clothes certainly lent to that narrative.
Your dinner was still warm, and as amazing as he described it. Maybe you hadn't been gone that long, but it felt like a lifetime had passed between who you were before and after the lighthouse.
He sat across from you, and every time his leg brushed against yours under the table, you felt it to your core. Yeah, the dinner was good, but you couldn't really focus on the food, not when he was there. Still, because you were a good girlfriend, you drank the wine he got you, and you enjoyed the duck but mostly you enjoyed how your lover looked, sitting across from you.
»»āāāā-
"Be careful, I don't want you to lose your shoes."Ā
Your legs dangled off the side of the canal, and you were staring at the water below, your boots hovering over the surface. You giggled, "I'll be careful."
"If you drop them, I'll have to jump in after them and I'd really prefer not to swim in this jacket. I just bought it, and it's very, very special."
"Then maybe you should take all your clothes off." You said. He laughed, "You had three glasses of wine and you're already tipsy."
"I'm just happy.ā You sighed. You looked at him. He was sitting with one leg crossed, his jacket still on him, face tilted at you in the moonlight.Ā
You glanced at the passing boats. You'd dreamed about things like this forever. What happened in the lighthouse was explosive and intense, but even just sitting here with him, your body was burning.
You glanced at him, suddenly feeling honest, "I always wondered why none of my relationships worked out. It's so obvious now." Maybe he was right and you were wine-drunk. He looked at you, surprised at the topic, "Why?"
"Because they weren't you. No one has ever treated me like you have."
His eyes lit up, "What did I do?"
You laughed, pulling one knee up to rest your chin on it, "You're just you. So kind.ā
You stared at each other, for a few moments. The moonlight struck his cheekbones wonderfully. The humidity had curled his hair. His lips were still red from when you'd kissed him. Then you reached over in the space between you, grabbing his hand over the cobblestones. You squeezed it in yours, and he returned the gesture, a light smile on his face.
Did he feel the same things you did? Did he notice the same details? Did he memorize the same moments? Maybe now that you'd confessed your true feelings to him, you could just ask him.
"What are you thinking?" Your voice came out low, unsure. Despite the events of earlier, reassurance helped you, and you wanted that from him. His eyebrows lifted, just slightly, and then he swallowed, "Thinking about what you said. Not sure if you wanna hear that."
"I'm listening."
He took in a breath, thumb playing with your hand, "I'm thinking aboutā¦how happy I am that all of your other relationships didn't work out. Which is so wrong becauseā¦you had your heart broken by so many guys, but I'm thankful to them because it was only then that I could meet you."
Your heart beat erratically at his words, and from where your hand met his, you could feel his pulse race too. He licked his lips, continuing, "In fact, it's so wrong of me but I think that even if you were in a serious, happy relationship when I met you, I would have hoped everyday that it didn't work out for you. So that I could have you. Isn't thatā¦evil?"
"It's not evil. It's honest." You sat up straighter. He nodded, "Maybe honesty isn't always the best thing. Doesn't it make me a bad person to wish that on you?"
"I mean, it's all hypothetical, Hyunjin. It doesn't matter. I wasn't in a relationship when we met. I probably would've been the same if the roles were reversed."
"But you were so supportiveā¦of me and Hana. She told me about how much you helped her, how you even suggested date ideas to her. I don't think I could ever have done that for you, if the situation was reversed. I would have probably lost my mind and confessed my feelings to you even if you had a boyfriend. But you were such a good friend to her."
You recalled the early weeks when Hana and Hyunjin had been a thing. It had tortured you, every second that you saw them together, but he was right, you had supported them. If they had continued to be together and fallen in love, you would have still supported them your entire life, because Hana was your best friend.
You thought over his words, tracing a heart into the cobblestones by the canal, "Iā¦guess you're right. But all that says about me is that I'm willing to give up my happiness. It just makes me weak. But it seems like you would fight for it. I like that about you."
Hyunjin's brows furrowed, "Nothing about that makes you weak."
"I guess." You shrugged, "I probably should have fought harder for you. I knew she wasn'tā¦right for you. And selfishly, I liked you a lot then."
"Yeah?" He moved closer to you. You nodded, looking at him, "Yeah. When you showed up to the double date at the bowling alley, I thought you were my date. I hoped for it."
He watched you closely, drawing patterns on your skin, "But you were still respectful to your friends. For a minute there, I thought you disliked me. I was so⦠fascinated."
You looked at him, remembering the early days and how stressful and crazy they had been. "I kinda miss when we were all together in Daejon, even though my friend group kind of turned into a shit show."
"Yeah." He sighed, "But you're on better terms with them now, right?"
"I don't think Hana will ever forgive meā¦but yeah, the others have."
"I'm sorry. I never wanted to come between you and your friends."
You grabbed his cheek, pulling him closer, "Don't be. I love my friends, they were my entire life, but I'd go through all of that again a million times over just to meet you."
There was an intense look in his eyes, guilt behind them, "I'm really sorry about what I did to you. I never should have changed my number when I moved away. Iā¦I'm so sorry, Y/N."
"Hyunjin." You moved closer to him, kissing him, "I already forgave you for that."
"But I didn't. I was so stupid, and I was only thinking about myself, about what was easier for me. I can't imagine what you must have felt." He said. You kissed him again, "It's okay. We're here together now. That's what matters."
You could feel his smile through the kiss, and your heart kicked in your chest. He pulled back, "So, did you wanna get drunk with me tonight?"
You laughed, "What did you have in mind?"
"There'sā¦a really nice speakeasy not too far from here. I think you'll like it. Have you ever been to one?" He asked. You shook your head.
"Come on." He tugged at your hand, helping you stand. It was getting late, and Hyunjin led you through the streets of the city. The entire way there, he made you laugh and you were so obnoxiously loud. Maybe everybody here could tell how in love you were, and that was okay. You'd never had that.Ā
The speakeasy looked unassuming, just a hole in the wall next to a big residential building. Easy to miss if you werenāt looking for it. But the line spilling out onto the sidewalk said otherwise. You stood in it, leaning back against the cool brick wall, your fingers laced with Hyunjinās. āThis place was recommended to me by everyone at the show,ā He said, glancing toward the door. āApparently the cocktails are insane.ā
āIt already looks cool,ā You said, scanning the people around you. Couples pressed close together, and groups of friends. You hesitated, glancing down at your hands. āAre you sure itās okay for me to hold your hand?ā
Hyunjin squeezed your fingers lightly. āNo oneās paying attention. Donāt worry about it.ā
You smiled, "If only they were like that everywhere."
Soon enough, it was your turn at the door and the bouncer asked for a secret code. Hyunjin told him, and he let you in. You laughed under your breath as you slipped inside. "How'd you know that?"
"One of the girls at the show told me." He said, pulling you through the dimly lit hallway. Your eyebrows shot up. āWhat girls?ā
He glanced back at you, amused. āOne of the models. She said she comes here all the time with her friends. You canāt get in unless someone tells you the password.ā
"Wow. That's nice of her." You said. Hyunjin laughed, "Yeah. That's the kind of shit we talk about when we're waiting for the show to start."
There was another bouncer, and he asked for your phones so he could put a sticker over the cameras. He smiled, "Have a great night, you two."
You stepped through a red lace curtain, revealing the speakeasy. The space opened up in warm, low light. A glowing bar stretched across the room. You followed Hyunjin to the bar, reading all the neon signs about sex. "Wow."
On a small stage, a musician played while dancers moved around him, the glitter on their skin glowing under the neon lights. Hyunjin helped you onto the bar stool, his hands steady at your waist as he lifted you up, "Yeah. I think we're in the Red Light district."
"That makes sense." You laughed, settling into your seat as he stood by you. You waited for your drinks, taking everything in. Even the bartender looked like a freaking model. The musician on stage was performing stripped-down versions of pop songs. You found yourself completely drawn in, barely noticing when Hyunjin slid your Mezcal toward you. It was only when the musician paused that you turned to Hyunjin, a soft smile already forming about how good it was.
In the red lighting of the speakeasy, he really looked so good. It wrapped around him, the sharp features of his face, the piercings in his ear. You licked the salt off your drink, and his gaze stayed on your mouth a little too long. You sighed, "I never want to wake up from this dream. I wish we could do this back home."
Your legs brushed against his, then stayed there, tangled without either of you pulling away. He smiled, jokingly, "If we put on really good disguises, we can."
"God. You'd have to invest in a really good fucking disguise then."
"Maybe I could shave all of my hair off."
Your eyebrows shot up, "Really?" Then your hands slipped into his hair, "Are you thinking of changing it?"
"I don't know. Maybe for our next album. But I like having it long."
You laughed, tugging at it to demonstrate, "Oh. I enjoy that too." He leaned in close, and his hand slid up your thigh, "I know you do."
"Mmh." You mumbled, suddenly nervous at how close he was to you. Even though not even a few hours ago, he'd had you on the counter, putty in his arms. But now, in the dark lighting of the bar, he looked so different from the softness of the lighthouse. Intimidating. He'd pulled his hair back, tying it up, showing off his cheekbones. You stared at each other, and surely everyone else could tell how badly you wanted to rip his clothes off. His eyebrows shot up, "Stop looking at me like that."
"I didn't do anything." You feigned innocence. He leaned in, so he could whisper in your ear, "We're forty five minutes away from the apartment, so you can't do that to me."
Your heart pound faster, and you were getting riled up from just his words. The music was so loud, it was in your veins. It was so dark, light flashing over your skin.
"You guys here on vacation?" Someone asked. You turned, slightly dazed, to find a couple seated beside you. But Hyunjin didnāt look away. He was still watching you, as if tempting you to kiss him.
āUm⦠yeah.ā You said. Before you could say anything else, Hyunjin's lips brushed your cheek, slow. The man raised his drink toward you. āDitto! Iām Theo, this is Emily.ā
āRight.ā You nodded, trying to focus, though Hyunjin hadnāt pulled away. His mouth hovered near your skin, like he couldnāt quite let go. You shot a smile at the couple, trying to ignore how turned on you were from his little touches and kisses, āNice to meet you. Where are you guys from?ā
You don't know what came over him. He couldn't let go of you for a second. You loved it so much. You used to only think this stuff was possible in movies, about someone who loved and wanted you this much. The woman, Emily said, "London. What about y'all?"Ā
You answered them, and Hyunjin finally, reluctantly pulled away, paying attention to them, saving you from the conversation. They told you all about their vacation, and all of the places you just had to go. They were easy to talk to, and funny. At some point, Hyunjin bought them a round of drinks over stories of how you met. Hyunjin was careful in the details he disclosed, and you enjoyed watching him talk. He was so hot, and so funny. He was usually so introverted, it was fun to see him side of him. And then the musician came back for his second set and you drifted closer together, watching him.Ā
You hadn't realized how long you were there, until the speakeasy turned into a danceclub. The bass was loud, pounding through your body, and the last round of shots had probably been one too much. Still, this was the greatest night of your life so you weren't complaining. Emily jumped off her seat, pulling Theo towards the dance floor, "You guys wanna dance?"
Your eyes met Hyunjin's, and he read your mind. He leaned in, mumbling against your ear and his teeth grazed your skin, "You want me to take you home, right?"
"Yes, please." You squeaked. His hand laced through yours as he said to them, "I'm sorry, I don't think we're staying long."
You bid a quick farewell to your new friends as Hyunjin pulled you through the growing crowd of people. He led you through the red lacy curtains, and you had barely made it halfway through the neon-lit hallway when he pushed you against the wall, kissing you. Hard. Like heād been holding back all this time. You stumbled back from the force, leg catching on the carpet but Hyunjin held you up. You kissed him, staring up at him, "What should we do now?"
"I'll do whatever you want to." He said.Ā "Iā¦really want ice cream." You blurted. His smile grew, like it wasn't the stupidest demand ever, "Okay, let's get you some."
It was late so you don't even know what would be open. But Hyunjin was magical, and somehow found you a gelato store, a few streets over from the speakeasy. It was by an alley, and you waited outside, leaning against the wall to catch your breath. The shop was small and cute, a blinking ice cream sign in the window. You were the only people here. Hyunjin brought you a cone, "You good?"
"Mmh." You smiled, "Justā¦a little lightheaded."
His hand settled on your waist, extending the cone to you, "Try this."
The mint chocolate ice cream looked so good. You leaned forward, licking some off the top. You knew that the cone was his favorite part, but he was giving it to you so easily. Hyunjin watched you closely, a tender look on his face, "You like it?"
"Mmh." You nodded, licking it off your lips, "Yum." He laughed, "Yum."
"That couple was fun, right?" He mumbled, enjoying the treat. You nodded, "Yeah, they were. I don't really remember half the things they said though."
"Why?" He laughed, handing it to you. You sighed, licking some off the top, "I was watching you the entire time."
His head tilt, "Yeah? You do that a lot."
You laughed, holding your hands up, "I mean, everybody in the world loves watching you. So, I'm guilty. Sorry."
His smile grew, and he handed you the cone so you could finish it, "I like watching you too."Ā
The expression on his face dropped, and you watched it closely, knowing what it meant. Your arms wrapped around his neck, "Can I tell you a secret?"
"Yes." He leaned in, gaze so intense. You smiled as you confessed, "I'm really tipsy."
He laughed, hands moving down your body, "I know. Me too. We shouldā¦go home."
"That seems impossible." You said, and then he had you pushed up against the alley wall, mouth locked to yours, tongue in your mouth. You would have made out there all night, giddy from how bad he wanted you, until you felt a raindrop on your head and pulled back, "Did you feel that?"
Hyunjin's eyes were still closed, chasing your mouth, "Feel what?"
"Hyun. Wait." You laughed, looking up at the sky, "I don't get it. It literally just rained earlier!"
"Well, maybe it hasn't had enough of you." He chased your mouth for another kiss, hand drifting down your body, touching you through your coat, "Maybe it misses your body, and misses how it felt on your skin, and craves to be dripping down you again."
His desperation and low voice shot a pulse right through your core, but you felt another drop on your arm and then another and it was drizzling, "Hyunjinā¦"
"Fuck it. We'll get a taxi home." He said, texting a number on his phone. He then let go of you, and you immediately missed the warmth of his body but he was taking off his jacket, leaving him in just his shirt.
"What are you doing? You're going to get sick." You realized. Your protests were for nothing because he held his very new, very expensive jacket over your head to protect you from the drizzle. But he did it all so he could keep kissing you. His white shirt was getting soaked, his hair, all of him, and you stood under the jacket, kissing him.
You were sheltered from the rain, even though it didn't matter if you got wet, and he probably held it up for ten whole minutes. Until a taxi stopped right next to you. You pulled back, watching the water kiss his face as it gave into gravity, making its way through the crevices of his skin. Was it possible to be jealous of water?Ā
The driver was an older man who smiled at you, and as soon as you were inside the car, Hyunjin mumbled something to him, handing him a note. You don't know what he said.
"What was that about?" You asked, curious. He looked back at you, voice dropping, "Come here."
And then in half a second, he was kissing you again. Instantly, you kissed him back. You didn't even have to think about it. Your hands went into his wet hair, tugging at it, and he pulled you closer. You didn't expect to spend the ride making out, but Hyunjin seemed to have trouble pulling away from you. He pulled your thigh onto his leg, tugging at it so he could slot himself closer to you.
"Hyun." You giggled, leaning back, "Are you sure it's okay?"
His eyes were full of adoration, "Yes." And he chased your lips, pushing his tongue in your mouth. Hyunjin, usually so quite and so innocent and so classy, was driving himself crazy to kiss you and you didn't know how to handle it.Ā
You untucked his shirt. It was hard to see what you were doing but you just wanted to feel his bare skin, so you pushed your hands under his button-up. The wet shirt stuck to him like a second skin. He shivered with how cold your hands were, but didn't stop you. You felt up his muscles, his toned stomach, the piercing he still had for the sole purpose of driving you mad.
"We're here." The driver cleared his throat, and it wasn't his voice but the movement of the car that made you stop. You pulled apart, breathing heavy and your cheeks flushed. Hyunjin looked at you for a second, and then to the taxi driver, "Oh, thank you."
The driver then looked to you, "Have a good night, you two."
Hyunjin helped you out of the car, and you stumbled onto the curb with him, laughing, "Did you pay him extra so he'd let us make out?"
"Just for his discretion."
"That's so hot." You groaned, taking shelter under a bus stop. Your apartment was an alley over, and you'd have to run through the rain to get to it, and you looked at him, "Race you back?"
"Yeah? And what do I get when I win?"
"You'll find out." You smiled, grabbing your dress in your hands.
And before Hyunjin could answer, you took off, running under the rain. The downpour was loud against the cobblestones, and you held your dress up, trying to get to the safety of your apartment as soon as you could. It was hard to run in your boots over the uneven streets but you were drunk off him and all of the adrenaline coursed through you. You heard Hyunjin laugh, running after you, "You're gonna hurt yourself!" The apartment was right in front of you, and you almost made it. Even though you had a head start, he caught up to you, grabbing you right before you could make it inside.
He pulled you by his hands on your waist, and you screamed laughing. "You cheated!" He exclaimed. You laughed, looking up at him. You were both completely drenched from the rain and you couldn't find it in yourself to care. So much for seeking refuge in the lighthouse earlier. He tucked your hair back, amused, "You are so wet."
"I look like a mess." You laughed, shouting to be heard over the rain. The streetlight reflected off the rain in refractions and it looked beautiful against his skin. He mumbled, "You look perfect."
You stared at him, and you were both quiet for a moment. The moon was gorgeous tonight but you couldn't find it in you to look. Not when the most beautiful thing in the world was right in front of you. His lips tugged up into a smile, making you nervous, and you asked, "What?"
"I won."
That was all he said before your back hit the wooden door from the force of his kiss.Ā
Your hands settled at the nape of his neck, brushing through his wet hair, and he let out a soft groan, separating his mouth from yours, āInside.ā
āKeys. In my jacket.ā You mumbled. His hands slid inside your coat, but instead of grabbing the keys, he squeezed your tits through your dress. You let out a light moan, āBabe.ā
Then his hands found the set of keys, and he was barely looking as he inserted them in the door. Touching him and being so close to him was like breathing. Each time you pulled apart from each other made you breathless. You heard a click, and Hyunjin pushed the door open. You didnāt know how you made your way up the flight of stairs.Ā
"Keys, again." You mumbled, and Hyunjin let out a groan, unlocking the door with mild effort. Then you were finally inside your apartment. Once in, he stared at you, hands on your waist, "Didn't think I'd be able to make it home."
You smiled, tugging at his shirt, "We did it."
"Are you cold?" His eyes gazed your body and you were soaked through your clothes. You pulled him closer by his belt buckle, "No, I'm perfect."
In the moonlight, standing in the apartment he'd found for you, you felt crazed. You kissed him, slowly, sweetly. He separated from you for only a second, to take off his jacket. Then, you unbuttoned his shirt, less patient than him, tugging each button out as quick as you could.
You stared at him in the moonlight, feeling dizzy all over again, the water droplets on his chest, his abs. You spoke quietly, fingers grazing over his chest, "You're so handsome. Fuck."
He laughed, a flush rising up his neck and then helped you out of your coat, and then out of your dress. He got more impatient the longer it took, and then you stood in just your underwear, looking up at him. He didn't even give you a second to feel shy. His eyes fell to you, "Don't know how I held back from you all this time."
His hands wrapped around your thighs, picking you up so he could sit on the edge of the bed, with you in his lap. He was kissing you gently, hands pushing your hair back as it stuck to your skin. Your bodies were still wet, water dripping down you, and you could feel him getting harder through your underwear.Ā
You deepened the kiss, your tongue finding his and you could have spent your lifetime like this. He tasted sweet, and for a moment, it was gentle. It was soft. It was almost innocent. He whispered, "I could kiss you forever."
And then, you shifted your hips over his bulge and it changed. It was all impatient now. His grip on you tightened, and your kisses were harsher, rougher. You pulled back to breathe, and Hyunjin's gaze was fixated on the way your chest moved, breathing heavy. You tugged out the hairtie from his hair, letting his hair fall and frame his face, "Want you."
He turned you around, so he could be on top. Your legs wrapped around him as the weight of his body pressed you into the soft mattress. You grazed your nails over the muscles in his arms, studying his body. There were so many freckles on his skin, and you ran your hand over them gently. Hyunjin watched you, quietly, letting you explore his body. Your hands trailed over his abs, stopping at the band of his boxers. Calvin Klein. Then, you grabbed his hands, staring at the way your hands intertwined. He was so calm, and he was so turned on as you touched him. Silently, you guide his hands to your underwear. His lips pulled up into a smile, "You want my fingers?"
You looked up at him. His hair fell into his face, silver chain around his neck hanging. You caught the skylight above him, the stars, and the night sky. He sat up, and you wanted to whine at the loss of body heat but he just took his rings off, putting them on the side table. Then, he was back on you, kissing you, hand running down your body as he felt you up.
You tried to control your moans but you couldn't, not when he slid your panties to the side, slowly pushing a finger in. You squeezed your eyes shut, head thrown back on the pillow as he lazily fingered you. "Look at me please, baby. I wanna see what I do to you." He kissed the side of your mouth, and you did your best to keep your eyes open, watching him.
He kissed you for what felt like hours, as his fingers pumped into you. He started with just one, and then worked his way up to three. You were so light-headed, and he was edging you. You tugged at his boxers, whining. He chuckled at your silent desperation. āYou want me to take them off?ā You nodded, chest rising fast, tugging at the silver chain around his neck to pull him closer, "Yes. Please."
His lips tugged into a carnal smile, so pleased with his effect on you. āAre you sure?ā
āPlease.ā
āIs that all you can say?ā He mumbled. You frowned, and he laughed, āIām sorry. Youāre just really adorable right now.ā
He kissed you again as he tugged his boxers off, and he grabbed your thigh, pulling it up around his leg, "What do you want, baby?"Ā
You were so past resisting your insanity for him. You looked up at him, "I want you to fuck me like you always said you would. "
A crazy temptation swirled in his expression. Lips puffy and swollen, eyes half-lidded, he held on tightly to your thigh, pushing your legs further apart. He swallowed your moan when he pushed into you, deep.
He struggled to speak or say much of anything. It seemed like all of his earlier confidence had disappeared into a strange yearning. He pulled out only a bit before pushing back in, and you were floating. He wasn't kissing you anymore. You just stared at each other. His eyes were almost black, pupils dilated. He set a torturously slow pace, hips rolling slowly, enjoying the way you wrapped around him. His gaze was intense, eyebrows furrowed and lip trembling.Ā
You reached up to cradle his jaw, whispering, "You're doing so good, Hyun." His face relaxed and he pushed in deeper. He fucked just like he danced. Just like he painted. Like he did much of anything in his life. With grace. With perfection and precision. So much feeling. No room for error.Ā
"I'm so in love with you. It drives me mad." He mumbled, thrusts timed to your breathing, holding your waist. You struggled to speak, you'd never taken someone this deep before, but you spoke in pauses, "You drive me crazy too. You're so good at this."
āYeah?ā
āYeah.ā
āAm I making you feel good?ā His voice shook, almost like he was emotional. You didn't blame him. You wanted to cry at how perfect he was making you feel. His fingers slid down your body, digging into your hips, and he was faster now, but still in time with your breath, with your pulse. This felt so much more than just sex. You couldnāt explain it.Ā
His hair fell messily into his face. He looked so ruined, beads of sweat and rainwater still dripping down his neck onto your body. You kissed him, "I love you so much."
Like he would never get used to hearing that, he groaned into your kiss. You lift your hips, to meet him midway and his eyes widened. "Babyā¦" You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him down to you, whispering, āYouāre so perfect. No one has had me like you have.ā
āFuck.ā He was stuttering, his pace faster than before. His breathing quick. His hand dropped to your core, touching you ever so slightly. Your muscles clenched, tightening up, and surely you would pass out. Nothing human could ever feel this good. He dropped his head in the crook of your neck, "I could fuck you for hours."
"Fuck, please do. You can have me all night." You mumbled, hands threading through his hair, nails scratching his scalp, and then his bare back. There was so much of him to touch but you only had two hands. He tilt his head, "You just got so tight."Ā
āYou can go faster. I can handle it.ā You mumbled. He cursed under his breath. Suddenly, he was pulling you up so you were on his lap, holding you up in his arms. The new angle rocked your world, and your world was spinning on a new axis. You sat on him, and he was deeper than you'd ever taken. Like he had something to prove, he thrust up, harder and faster every time, whispering, āI know you can handle it. You're perfect. You're so fucking beautiful."
His words pushed you over the edge, and he kissed you through your cry, hands caressing your face, thrusting up into you. You pushed your tongue into your mouth, and it was a mess of spit and tongue. You let the feeling wash over you, the knot in your body uncoiling. He was watching every shift in your expression, drinking you in, committing this to memory. Everything faded away into tunnel vision. He moved messily now, all precision lost to chasing his high. The feeling of you clenching around him was what he needed, his cock twitching inside you, and he let out a load groan, hips stuttering. He was shaking, his eyes squeezed shut, hips trembling.
āYou stopped.ā You realized. He was deep inside you, staying still. He looked so beautiful like this in the moonlight, vulnerable like he'd stripped his entire soul to you. Post-coital Hyunjin was the most beautiful. He was drowning in sweat, and it was the hottest sight ever. He opened his eyes to you, āIā¦I didnāt want to hurt you.ā
āYou could neverā¦ā You reached up to push the hair out of his face. He was glowing, Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed, and life flooded through him again, cheeks reddening, "Fuck. That wasā¦I almost blacked out. Do you feel okay?"
"I feel amazing." You pulled him back down to you, your back hitting the mattress, faces inches apart, and then laughed, "We're gonna have to do that a couple more times."
His smile grew in satisfaction, breathing softly, and he kissed you, holding you close to his body, "Happy birthday, baby."
»»āāāā-
Even in sleep, you dreamed of him. Of his voice. Of his touch. You were so tired, your body spent from the crazy day you'd had. You lulled in and out of sleep as Hyunjin cuddled with you, legs entangled. You woke up to realize he was speaking, like he was talking to someone. He had moved away, sitting up and you let out a whine, hand blindly reaching towards him.Ā
The bed shifted, and immediately he was holding you again, head resting in the crook of your head, "Baby. Sorry, did I wake you?"
"What time is it?" You mumbled, shifting under the blanket to be closer to him. His voice was laced with sleepiness, "A little before six. Go back to sleep, darling."
You turned your face slightly to look at him, eyes half-closed still, "But you're awake."
His hands slipped under your shirt, to warm your skin, resting on your stomach, "I just got a call from my manager, I didn't want to wake you, I'm sorry. We can sleep a little longer."
"Is everything okay?"
"Hmm. He was just worried about me. He thinks I'm sick and in my hotel room."
"Won't he realise you're not in there?"
"Probably." Hyunjin sighed, kissing your cheek, "I'll tell him I went for a walk. I'll be back before evening, anyway. He won't realise I was gone."
The thought saddened you, that he was leaving so soon and your chest constricted. It really had been been such a short time that you'd had with him. You stared out at the window, at the wind blowing the curtain, silent for a few moments.Ā
"Baby?" Hyunjin asked, hand curling around you, "Are you sad?" "Yeah." You mumbled, shifting in bed so you could face him, "I am. But I shouldn't say that."
"Why?" His voice was soft. You swallowed, "Because I'm grateful you were able to come. Even if just for a little while."Ā "If it were up to me, I'd stay forever."
"Are you excited to go back though?" You asked, and sleep still clouded you but you were slowly coming back to life. He nodded, hand slipping around your waist, "I am, actually. As sad as I am to leave you, there's really some fun stuff planned, and I get to meet the fans again before I fly back home. I always look forward to that."
You smiled, "You love this life, don't you?"
He laughed, "Iā¦suppose that's obvious. I do. Despite all it's troubles, I feel like I'm living my dream finally. When I was a trainee, I gave up on it. So many times."
"Really?"
"Yeah. It wasn't a good environment to grow up in, it wasā¦toxicā¦and resentful. There was one time I almost quit. It was the closest I got to giving up."
"What happened?"
His eyes locked with yours, intense, "I had all my bags packed and ready to go. I'd even called my aunt to come pick me up, because I thought my parents wouldn't understand. I'd enrolled in classes for school too. Butā¦before I could abandon my dream, I changed my mind. I'm grateful it did."
"Something changed your mind?"
His lips curved up into a soft smile, like he was living in the past, "I saw a new perspective on things."
"Well, thank god that happened. Or what would you be doing now?"
"I don't know." He sighed, and as he talked, his fingers played with your skin, drawing circles on your back, "I can't imagine my life doing anything else. Maybe as an artist, but I don't know if that would give me fulfillment the way this does. I love making music. I love being on stage, as narcissistic as that sounds. "
You shifted closer to him, entangling your legs with his, "It's not narcissistic. It's your life."
"And I even met my best friends through it. I don't think I could do life without them. Especially Jisung. I would be so lost."
You smiled, hand wrapping around his waist, "I'm so glad you found him. I'm sure he feels the same way about you."
"Yeah." He nodded, "When things get hard, I always wonder if it's worth giving this life upā¦but if anything, I've realised I can't live without it. It makes me so happy. I love the stage. I love everything about it."
You listened intently, even though you had just woken up, but everything he was saying embedded deep inside you. It was obvious how much he loved living like this.
"And you're so good at it too, Hyunjin." You told him, hand caressing his cheek, "You were born for this. You should do this as long as you can."
He smiled, "Thank you, baby. We should probably go back to sleep, right?"
"Right." His face was inches from yours, and his lips looked so plump, glistening in the dark. But sleep wasn't on your mind anymore. You inched closer to him, kissing him. He sighed into the kiss, like it was your natural state of being. You lay like that, making out for so long, sleepily, in a tangle of pillows and blankets. In the horizon, the sun was slowly rising, dark blue light filtering in through the skylight. He whispered, "Can I try something?"
You were in a daze, "Do anything to me."
His hand explored your body, and he tugged your thigh up, over his hip. In this position, his crotch pressed right into your underwear. Experimentally, lazily, he rolled his hips against yours, grinding into you.Ā
"Fuck." You mumbled, feeling him through his sweatpants and your underwear. The friction was intense. You were addicted to this feeling. Shivers running down your spine, and you were too tired but this was perfect. "You like how that feels?" He whispered, rolling his hips into yours. Everything felt so much more heightened, and you didn't even take your clothes off.Ā
"I love it." You kissed him. He held your leg up over his hip, giving him the perfect angle to grind right into you, into your core. You were a mess of moans, like you were drifting in and out of the most wonderful dream. He stared right at you, lips parted, eyes heavy, "I could never have enough of you."
You tilt your head back, resting on the pillow as you watched the morning sky. A landscape of disappearing stars. It was so beautiful. He grind into you like that for so long as you kissed, and you were both still half-asleep, and that just made it feel better.Ā
He made you come like that, three times over, just that morning, and you devoured each other like you'd never had anyone like this before. You could imagine a lifetime of this intimacy with him and it wouldn't be enough. You were so fulfilled. You were so satisfied.Ā
You were so in love.
»»āāāā-
Hyunjin had to leave. You stood under the apartment, reluctant to say goodbye. He hadn't brought a suitcase with him, just his bag slung over his shoulder, freshly showered and dressed. You hugged him tightly, "I still don't know how to thank you."
His hands rested on your cheeks, caressing your face, āI needed this break just as much as you." You laughed, trying to hold back your emotions, "Why do I want to cry? I'm just bad at goodbyes, I guess."
"This isn't that. We'll see each other very soon." He kissed you, and you tried to drag it on for as long as you could, so he wouldn't have to go.
When he was gone, you stood where you were, enjoying the morning sun on your skin. It had finally decided to stop raining. The sky was bright and clear. You shouldn't feel this upset, your flights were tomorrow and you'd be back in Seoul soon.
"Was that your boyfriend?" You realised Alice had been watching from the doorstep. You nodded, "Yeah." "He's so good looking." You laughed, "He is."
You spent the rest of your afternoon exploring as much of the town as you could. You sat by the water for most of it, watching the life pass you by. You couldn't stop thinking about the lighthouse about his confession. He really did feel the same. It had been silly to worry otherwise this whole time. Your chest tightened, but it wasn't the same ache as before. It was full, heavy with love and want.
And after everything, you went back to the cafe with the postcard Hyunjin had bought you. You finally had the right words. You scribbled on it, pinning it up and you wish you could come back to look at it one day. You stared at the postcard amongst all of the hundred others. It blend in with all of the stories of strangers. You were the happiest you'd ever been, and your note reflected that. "This place will always be special. We finally stopped pretending."
»»āāāā-
Getting off the plane felt like a shitty hangover.Ā
Seoul hit you all at once ā too loud, too fast. Your head was pounding from the hours of travel. You pushed your sunglasses up your nose as you hauled your suitcase through the airport. Your feet ache, and you were tired, but in the best way. But despite everything, you're also excited to be back. Karina's supposed to call you today and you'll find out if you got the job, and you have to meet your friends and give them all the souvenirs you bought them.Ā
You're happy to be back in your favorite city in the world.Ā
Your suitcase is much heavier than when you brought it, and you can only blame yourself and all of your gifts. You texted Hyunjin to let him know you'd made it. His flight was supposed to land earlier this afternoon.
You waited for your taxi, thinking about the morning of your birthday. Somehow, he'd slipped out while you were sleeping to bring you a chocolate cupcake in bed, with a pretty pink candle on it. He'd surprised you with it, and licked the frosting off your lips. A grin came over your lips at the memory, and anybody here must think you insane for smiling so wide.
You're surrounded by countless people, and the airport is so crowded and you glanced over everyone, wondering what trip they were coming back from and if it changed their life as well. Everything was so much more chaotic here. But nothing can replace the feeling of Seoul.Ā
The man standing next to you shot you a smile. He said something to you, so you tugged out your earphones, "I'm sorry, I missed what you said." He smiled, stepping towards you, "I didn't mean to bother you. I couldn't help but notice your bag. How was it?"
You looked down at your Van Gogh museum bags, they were peeking out of your handbag but you don't mind being a walking advertisement for your favorite place in the world. You laughed, "Oh. It was lovely this time of year. Kinda rainy, but I hear it's always like that."
He was dressed casually, but his sunglasses seemed expensive. He nodded, "I've been meaning to visit. Just can't find the time with work, you know how it is."
"Right." You smiled, "Where did you fly in from?" "Oh. Nothing special." He laughed, shrugging, "I was just on a work trip."
The airport pick-up was so busy as you waited for your turn. You couldn't wait to get home, and you grabbed your suitcase, pulling it along the line.
"Are you waiting for a taxi too?" You asked him.
"I was actually waiting for you."
Your eyebrows shot up, "Oh. You must have me confused with someone else."
"No, I don't think I do." You were confused, pulling your suitcase further up, "I'm sorry, do I know you?"
"It'd be in Hyunjin's best interests if you talked to me."
You stopped in your tracks. Your grip on the bag tightened, and you looked back at him, over your shoulder.Ā
Don't freak out. Everything is fine.Ā
"I'm sorry. You must be thinking of someone else." You swallowed, forcing a smile, "I should go. My cab is here."
"I'm not thinking of anyone else." He repeated, and extended his hand to you in introduction, "Eunwoo. I trust Hyunjin's mentioned me? Well, I sure hope he has, seeing as how I've managed him for the past eight years." He added a laugh.
You stared at his hand.Ā
Your throat tightened so suddenly you almost choked.
Eunwoo. You'd heard that name a lot. His manager.
What does he want from you?Ā
How did he know you'd be here?Ā
You have so many questions, but you're worried about Hyunjin, first of all and there's no point in denying the truth. He seemed to already know you.
"Is everything all right? Is he okay?" You asked him, turning towards him and your heart was pounding so fast.
He smiled, "That's sweet. He's fine, Y/N."
"How do you know my name?" You couldn't stop yourself from asking, and your skin felt tight. You're suddenly feeling very sick.
"Hyunjin's mentioned you before. He didn't mean to, of course. It was an accident, but he talked about you at a party. I've been very curious about you since then."Ā
"Did he send you here?" You asked, and the parking attendant tapped you on your shoulder, "Miss. Your cab is here."
You nodded too quickly. Relief hit so fast it made you dizzy. But Eunwoo was staring at you intensely, and he said, "Hyunjin doesn't know I'm here. It's sweet how much you care about him. I understand because I'm the same way. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you Y/N."
You stared at him, and you're thankful you're wearing your sunglasses because there's only fear in your eyes. You don't know what this meant. You don't know how he knew you would be here, or what flight you'd be on or how long he'd been waiting for you. You're scared, and you're feeling sick to your stomach. You forced another smile, pulling your bag, "It was great to meet you, but I really have to go. My cab is here and my friends are waitingā"
"There's no need for that, my driver can take you home. Don't worry about that."
You're barely breathing right, and your hand was gripping the suitcase so tight, your knuckles are turning white, "I don't understand. Why are you here?"
He walked until he was standing in front of you, blocking the sun from your eyes. The noise of the city felt distant all of a sudden.Ā
Suddenly, it's very clear to you that the dream you'd been living in is over. His voice was nonchalant and nothing about him is threatening, but you're terrified as he said, "We should talk."
»»āāāā- masterlistĀ ā
thank you for reading and for still being here <3 i would love to hear what you thought of it! your favorite parts, lines or absolutely anything.
Dahlia (+18)
synopsis: hyunjin is on hiatus. he stays at his family house inside four walls. you start to feel worried sick and you need to be there for him, next to him, holding his hand.
warnings: idol hyunjin x flower shop owner reader, reader 19 x hyunjin 22, reader loses virginity, soft hyunjin x soft reader, basically vanilla as hell, emotions, mention of past abusive relationship and trauma, mentions of not eating well, oral (both receiving), penetration, fingering, comfort
It was a normal day, you woke up at 7am, made breakfast and got ready for work. That day was not busy at all. You remember absolute silence and you just sitting behind the counter scrolling on your phone. Then the door opened, and there he was. You did not recognize him. In fact, you did not know who he was at all. You were not keeping up with kpop and idols. Your music taste was.. completely different.
You remember feeling like you just got struck by a thunder. A weird feeling. Like your stomach was trying to fold, pack its things and leave your body. He was so beautiful. Properly beautiful. He was looking around the shop, looking at the flowers, smelling them and smiling to himself. And all that while you couldn't stop starring at him. Then you remember him coming closer and saying hi, asking something about the flowers he was holding, about how to take proper care of them. You wanted to start crying and you did not know why. His beauty was overwhelming you and it was so embarrassing. You did not let it show though. You kept a straight face the entire time you were talking to him and giving him information. And he was smiling and having cute reactions to all the new information you were giving him. After he bought the flowers he had picked, he left. And then you saw him again. And again.. and he just kept on coming back. And a few months later you became friends, he told you about his life, you told him about yours, he trusted you with his life and you trusted him with yours. And then, one day while talking about how he wants to buy a flower book and get inspired, paint every flower there is inside the book, and you called him "lovely" at that, he just slowly leaned in and kissed you.
"Is this.. okay"
"If you stop I'll die"
And that's how you ended up here. With him. Of course, this entire relationship was a secret. The only people aware of this, of you, being his bandmates and his parents. And you even met some of them. You met Felix, Chan and Jeongin. They were incredible people and even the ones that you have not met yet adored you.
But, this shit isn't easy. You learned that your boyfriend having to hide you to protect his career wasn't the craziest thing he had to do. And here he is right now. On a hiatus, over fake rumors spreading about him.
He was back at his parents' house, locked in his room, barely eating. You contacted his mom a few days ago and she had told you that he is not doing well. You text each other and you talk on the phone, but his texts are monosyllabic and his voice sounds tired and half asleep. So you just decided to leave him alone for a few days. Let him process everything. He knew you were there for him and that you loved him to death. He could reach you any time.
Today is the 5th day of having no idea what he's doing.
You just want to cry and curse the world. This is not how it was supposed to be. He was supposed to be on that goddamn survival show he has been working so hard on for months. He was supposed to be with his best friend. With his team. Experiencing this with them. But he wasn't. He was at home. Not eating and not talking to anyone. Inside four walls. All for nothing. All this over some stupid rumor that has been solved already.
You stood up. Put comfortable clothes on and got out the door. Screw this. You were going to go see him. In person. This was eating you alive. You gave him space for a few days to be completely alone but now you were just worried sick and anxious and you just had to go there, to sit next to him, grab his hand and hug him tightly close to you.
When his mom opened the door she smiled and hugged you. Her eyes looked tired and teary.
"Is he.. in his room"
"Yes. I don't know what he's doing but I don't think he is sleeping."
"How is he ?"
"He has lost weight, not really eating, just playing with his food on the table and trying to find ways to excuse himself to go back to his room. Talk to him about this if you can.. he needs to eat"
"I will do my best, I promise"
And she gave you the warmest smile. The smile of a grateful mother. You loved her, and she loved you. She knew you genuinely loved her son. A mother always knows.
You opened the door to his room and you were met with darkness and silence.
"Hyunjin.. it's me"
There was a lit candle, and he was right there.. painting. He turned around and looked at you. Put the brush he was holding down and gave you a tiny smile that broke your heart to a million little pieces. You approached him quickly and while he was still seated, he rest his head between your arms and on your tummy. And while you held his head he just sobbed. And you let him. You don't ask him what's wrong, you do not try to stop him. You just hold him and let him cry on you.
"I'm so sorry for not texting and for being so distant and for be-"
You shushed him quickly.
"Baby stop apologizing"
You stayed like that for a bit more and then you sat on his lap. He smiled at that and rested his hands on your ass.
You had not done anything other than him fingering you and riding his thigh. You truly wanted to experience the whole thing, pleasure him too, have him all over you and be all over him. And he was always making you feel so good. Always making you cum and go blind for a few seconds over how goddamn good you were feeling. But he knew about everything you had gone through with your ex. He knew about your trauma and about how shitty you were treated. So he waited. Never rushed you into anything, never asked you to do anything sexual. You were 19 after all. You wanted your first time to be with him. You knew that for sure. You even told him one day.
"Is this okay?" you said while sitting on his lap
"How could it ever not be"
"Well, still, I have to ask."
He gave you another little smile at that. A sad little smile that you just wanted to burst into tears every time you saw it. He was in so much pain and you could see it all over his face.
"What were you painting over here"
"Dahlias, they remind me of you" and he looked away as if he was suddenly shy to look at you. It was so beautiful.
"My god this is gorgeous" he smiled again.
"Please let me take care of you" you said while cupping his face with both your hands.
"I love you" was all he said before leaning in to kiss you.
The kiss was so soft, not rough at all. Nothing was rough with him though, ever. He was always gentle, and soft and his movements were slow and kind. This kiss though, this kiss was melting sadness off of it. You felt tears on your lips at one point, but you didn't break the kiss, you didn't comment on it. Just wiped it off of his face and kept going.
Suddenly you started moving on his lap, and you heard him groan. You could feel him getting hard and it was just too much. After 2 minutes of you doing this he spoke
"Baby stop moving"
"Why" you said while looking deep into his eyes with a smirk on your face.
"I'm rock hard" he laughed "I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I'm sorry. Let's just stay stillā
"Īnd what if i don't want to stay still.."
He looked up at you.
"Hyunjin I want you, all of you, I'm ready"
"No, no no no i don't want you to do this shit for me. Please don't feel like you have to do this because of how shit my life is right now. I want you to be completely and entirely comfortable and ready."
He said and he genuinely looked so worried. How did you end up with such a caring man, you never even asked him to wait or any of the things he does. He heard your story and just ever since has been giving you all the space and time without you even saying a single word about waiting or wanting to take things slow.
"Hyunjin.. I've been wanting this. I want you. I'm more than ready"
And you kissed him softly again and both of you melted into the kiss. He then stood up with you in his arms, and layed you on the bed. He cut the kiss and asked again if this is truly want you wanted to do and you nodded breathlessly.
He started taking off your clothes slowly, always looking at you for any sign of discomfort. And then you took off his. You were both left in your underwear and then he asked if you're ready.
He started kissing your body inch by inch, while holding both your hands above your head, hands intertwined, holding each other tight. He went down on you and took off your underwear. He started playing with your clit with his tongue and then freed one of his hands to start inserting fingers into your hole. You tried not to be too loud. His mom was still in the house. You knew she wouldn't have a crazy reaction, she probably thought you guys have been going at it every other day, but it was still embarrassing, so you tried to keep it as down as possible.
You were a moaning mess and then suddenly without even being able to warn him you came all over his face and fingers. You felt him smile down there
"Always so good for me"
You were breathless for a few seconds, and then suddenly stood up and got on top of him.
"It's your turn now, prince"
"You really don't have to do this"
"Are you crazy, I've been wanting you in my mouth since the day i saw you enter that godforsaken flower shop"
And you saw his dick twitch in his underwear. You grabbed his dick and licked him over his underwear. He was already sweating so much. This would be your first time seeing him. All of him. You pulled down the underwear and.. God. You didn't even realize you were staring for god knows how long
"Like what you see?"
"I saw your fans calling you big but.. holy shit are they correct"
He laughed, and then quickly turned serious
"We can still not do this you know, I won't get mad. You know that right?"
"I know baby, please don't worry I want to do this"
And with that last reassurance you kissed his tip, and then started taking him in your mouth. His head back, eyes rolled, sweating, struggling to breath properly, letting out little moans. Just beautiful in every way he could possibly be.
After a few minutes he started moaning a little louder and you just knew we was very close.
"Baby i'm,, y/n.."
"Just let go baby, cum all over me, all over my face"
And he did. Came hard all over your face and hands and himself. He was so fucking hot you really just could not believe your eyes.
"How the fuck was this your first time, holy shit" he said after he started breathing properly. You laughed and got a little shy, trying to hide in his shoulder.
"I need you inside me, now" you whispered in his ear and you felt him twitch so hard at that. You could tell he wanted to be like this with you for so long, and the fact he waited without even mentioning it once made you want to cry at how perfect he was.
He got on top of you again, and just cupped your face. He was so incredibly aroused that he got hard again pretty quickly after a few more kisses and rubbing.
"I will go super slow, it will probably hurt in the beginning but i will try my best to make it as painless as possible. And if you want me to completely stop just tell me baby okay? Or tighten your grip on my arm, or hit me, or-"
"Īaby baby, baby it's okay, i won't hit you. I know it will hurt have you seen how big you are"
΄ou laughed but he was dead serious
"Ī will tell you if anything hurts too much and i don't feel good. I promise"
"Okay, okay.. good" he seemed way more nervous than you for you, and you found it adorable and you just wanted to sob. No one has ever cared about you this much romantically before.
And then he started inserting himself inside you. And it hurt like shit in the beginning even though he was going slow, but it hurt good, cause it was him, cause it was the person you loved the most and trusted with your life and knew he loved you more than anything. You moaned loudly and felt a tear escaping. He stopped.
"Baby all good?"
"Yes, god yes. It hurts a little but it's okay, i feel good"
And he kept going, and when he was all in he let out the sexiest fucking moan you have ever heard in you life. After two minutes inside you, kissing your face, you told him to start moving. And god did he know how to. You were sure he'd be good. He's a dancer after all. And his movements were so slow and deep and loving. He wasn't fucking you, he was making love to you. It wasnāt something he was doing to you, but with you. Pure love.
And after a lot of "Baby you are taking me so well" "You are so good for me angel" and a few "love of my life" "my girl" "my everything" that slipped out of both of you, you felt him twitch and you knew.
"Baby don't hold it, cum"
"Where do you want me angel"
"΄οur angel wants you inside of her"
Īnd just by hearing that he let out a loud groan and came inside of you. You came while he was still inside seconds later.
He stood up before even getting the chance to come down from his high and you saw him run to the bathroom inside his room. He came back with a towel and started cleaning his dripping cum off your legs.
You looked at him and just said "I fucking love you"
ā-
15 minutes later you were in his bed, in new sheets that smelled like the flower shop of your love story, and you were cuddling. Him in sweats and a tee and you in just one of his hoodies. You turned to face him and you talked. You talked so much. He opened up about everything he was feeling, and you told him everything as well. You told him that shit like this happens to good people sometimes, and that he did not deserve this at all. You told him that his fans know his heart, and nothing has changed, they are waiting for him to come back. And he sobbed again, and again you let him just like when you got in his room a few hours ago and found him painting in the darkness. His room now seemed happier, seemed lighter. It felt like a big amount of the heaviness just left. You also told him that his mom is really worried about him, and that he should eat his meals properly. He smiled at you and agreed on doing just that. He seemed better, his smile was genuine, his eyes did not carry such darkness anymore.
And then you fell asleep like that, in each others arms. And while you were falling asleep you kept thinking that this is it. This is everything you ever wanted. To be loved and to love unconditionally.
Because what's the point of lukewarm love anyway ?
OH. okay
pictures of ghosts (+18)
synopsis:Ā youāre a successful rookie idol, but youāre hiding a dark secret. when a chance encounter with a kind stranger backstage offers the first real glimpse of safety you begin the terrifying, fragile process of reclaiming your life, your body and your heart. one moment at a time.
cw: idol!hyunjin x idol!reader, hyunjin is the softest kindest person, ā ļø domestic abuse and intimate partner violence, non consensual sexual acts, sa within a relationship, physical violence, manipulation, gaslighting, victim blaming, trauma responses, graphic descriptions of injuries, stalking, threats of violence, blackmail, death threats, explicit sexual content (detailed consensual sex between adults, oral sex, handjobs, thigh riding, face sitting, penetrative sex), emotional distress, panic attacks, crying during intimate moments, references to past forced sexual experiences and orgasm denial as abuse.
word count:Ā 20k Ā
before you read: writing this was intensely cathartic for me. putting the ugliness onto the āpageā allowed me to name it, externalize it and finally breathe around something that had lived suffocatingly inside my chest for years. however, that doesnāt make the content any less heavy or triggering. please take care of yourself and skip this piece if those themes feel unsafe or overwhelming for you right now. i hope that by sharing this it might reach even one person out there whoās still trapped in silence, still doubting their own reality, and help them feel a little less alone. you are not damaged goods.
->
The venue was full of energy, a kaleidoscope of flashing lights and loud cheers swirling around you. You stood at the entrance, heart pounding against your ribs like a drumbeat as you took in the screaming crowd and the grandeur of the music show set before you.
You had debuted only a few months ago and this was your first time promoting at music shows with the rest of your bandmates. Your group was called PFF (Pain For Fun) and consisted of five members, including yourself. So far everything had been going well during promotions, better than you had dared to hope. It had already been a week, and while you hadnāt won anything yet it hadnāt dampened your mood or excitement. Each stage felt like a small victory of its own, every cheer from the audience proof that your hard work hadnāt been for nothing. After all this was only the beginning of your journey, and fans had been loving your sound, singing along to your songs even when their voices cracked with excitement.
You woke up at 4:00 every day, got ready as fast as you possibly could, and were already on your way to the music show venue by 4:30 with the rest of the girls. Soon, who was sharp-tongued and endlessly observant. Kyuji, loud, fearless, and always laughing even when exhausted. Nara, gentle and thoughtful, the kind who noticed when someone was hurting without being told and the youngest, Minseo, the groupās quiet perfectionist whose calm presence kept everyone grounded. They were girls you had already grown incredibly close to in a matter of months, bound together by sleepless mornings and shared dreams.
Everything had been working like clockwork for you these past few month, everything except this one thing: the man youād been calling your boyfriend for the past year.
It had been a year since you first fell in his arms, a year since his then sweet words had found a place around your heart. When you met him he was sweet and tender and loving. You werenāt quite sure when things started to shift, but they soon enough did. Now, as you traced the bruises on your skin you couldnāt deny the truth any longer. Behind closed doors his love had morphed into something dark and suffocating and his touch no longer gentle but rough and ugly. You wanted out, but every time you thought about leaving him you ended up changing your mind. He would say something sweet and youād forgive him, being reminded of the few good times you had or youād see him upset and feel horrible, always something to pull you back in and make you fall into him again.
He raised his voice more often than not, snapping at you over small things, criticizing the way you talked, the way you dressed. During arguments he would block the door so you couldnāt leave, grab your wrists hard enough to leave deep purple bruises that throbbed for days or shove you back against the wall with enough force to knock the breath out of your lungs, making your vision blur from the impact.
One night after practice when you went to his place instead of straight to your dorm as you should have, already exhausted and your body ached in places you couldnāt name, the pain from rehearsals mixing with the dull throb of old bruises, you told him you were tired, that you just wanted to sleep. He had sighed loudly, rolled his eyes and said you always did this, made things difficult, made him feel unwanted, like you were the one hurting him. You tried to explain but he cut you off, kissing you hard enough that it hurt, his teeth clashing against yours drawing a metallic taste of blood from your lip. His hands were already everywhere, groping roughly, nails digging into your skin as he pinned you down, ignoring your whimpers. You went still. You didnāt fight him, but you didnāt respond either. You tensed when he touched you, hoping he would notice, hoping he would stop.
But he didnāt. When you whispered his name, when you told him to slow down, he laughed under his breath and told you to relax, that this was normal, that couples did this all the time, that you were being dramatic, ungrateful, frigid. Tears slipped out anyway, hot and stinging as they tracked down your temples. You turned your face away, embarrassed by them, by how weak you felt. But he noticed and pulled back just long enough to look at you with irritation, his grip on your hips tightening until you winced.
āWhy are you crying?ā he asked, like you were inconveniencing him, like your pain was a burden on his perfectly planned night. āYouāre so sensitive. Just take what I give you like a good girl, or do I need to make you?ā
You said nothing after that. You let it end the way he wanted it to end, his thrusts rough and unrelenting, ignored your body's resistance, grunting about how tight you were, how you were "made for this." The sheets stuck to your sweat slicked skin and you bit your lip hard to stifle sobs, tasting more blood, your mind screaming at you to push him off but your body frozen in terror, knowing resistance would only make it worse, make him angrier and rougher. When this would happen you would always try to imagine being somewhere else, away from him, away from this apartment.
Later, when you were curled on the edge of the bed holding your clothes to your chest, body aching inside and out, bruises already blooming on your thighs and wrists, he acted like everything was fine. He reached for his phone, scrolled mindlessly and asked what you wanted to eat as if he hadnāt just broken something inside you. Again. When you stayed quiet he told you to stop sulking, that you were ruining the mood, that you always made things bigger than they needed to be and that this was your fault for not "trying harder."
Before you left to go back to your dorm and join the girls he kissed your forehead and told you to text him when you got there, his voice casual. You nodded, even though your stomach hurt and your chest felt tight, like your ribs were cracking under the weight of it all. On the walk back you replayed everything over and over, wondering if you had misunderstood, if youād overreacted, if this was just what love was supposed to feel like. Painful, suffocating, laced with guilt that ate at you from the inside, making you question if you deserved better or if this was all you were worth.
Jyhak.
He was an idol, a much older man. You were 24 and he was 36. You were under the same company, which was how you met in the first place. One day you and the girls were practicing when he stopped by. You both fell for each other instantly and even though you knew youād be kicked out immediately if people found out, especially you, you decided to get into this relationship anyway. He was older, beautiful, skilled at his work, all points that you found attractive at the time.
At first the violence was verbal. He called you things during sex that you never liked, names that twisted in your gut like knives. āWhore," "dumb bitch," "pathetic little toy." It made you feel small, it made you feel like he was using you solely for his own pleasure, stripping away any sense of intimacy until you felt like an object, hollow and discarded.
You grew uncomfortable when he called you his ālittle slut whoās willing to ruin her career for me,ā or when he was rough with you despite knowing this was your first relationship, your first time being intimate with a man. Grabbing your hair hard enough to yank your head back, exposing your throat as he thrust, ignoring your gasps of pain, your pleas to slow down. He became more physically and verbally abusive during sex, and months later that behavior bled into moments outside of intimacy.
You remembered one incident clearly, how he slapped you out of nowhere when you asked if he wanted some of your takeout, his palm connecting with your cheek in a sharp crack, your head snapping to the side, the sting blooming into a hot throbbing welt that you could feel swelling immediately. As he said it, āPractice was horrible today, and I fought with Tayhoon, donāt fucking bother me with food.ā like that justified the violence. Blood trickled from a split lip and you tasted salt and copper, your ears ringing as tears welled up, but you swallowed them down, whispering apologies instead and convinced somehow that youād provoked him, that your existence was the problem.
Coincidentally, his group was promoting at the same time as yours. They had their comeback just two days before PFF and having him around was anything but easy. Heād tried sneaking into your makeup room at least three times already only to be kicked out by your manager who assumed heād wandered in by accident.
Your bandmates didn't know about him, no one did. You hadnāt told anyone. Everything was fragile. If anyone even found out you were dating, your career would be over before it even had a chance to start. How could you possibly talk about abuse on top of that? You made sure to hide bruises as best as you possibly could before even going in for makeup, and always chose long shirts and clothing that wasnāt as revealing as the other girls.
---------------------------------------------------
It was Monday, another week of promotions for PFF. You were exhausted from yet another sleepless night but somehow you were even more excited. This week promised cooler stages, prettier outfits and louder fans.
You were in your dressing room getting ready. Red outfits with golden details and sparks everywhere, long hair styled perfectly, gorgeous jewelry. It was your favorite outfit youād ever worn and for the first time in a long while you actually felt beautiful as you stared at yourself in the mirror.
You heard the girls talking and giggling and you went to join them once everyone was finally ready, just waiting for your time to record one of your two stages of the day, one prerecorded, one live.
āWhat are you guys laughing about? Let me inā you said, smiling as you sat next to Soon.
āOh, nothing,ā she replied. āWe were just talking about how Stray Kids are in the room next to ours since theyāre promoting today too.ā
You knew of them, obviously, everyone did, but you never had the chance to look into them more. You didnāt have time for a lot of things these days if you were being honest.
āOh, thatās cool,ā you said, smiling at the girls who looked over the moon over it.
āYeah, it is.ā
Time passed. You recorded your stage, and finally at 14:00 it was time for your live performance. The venue was packed, so many groups, so many idols, everyone running up and down the hallways.
You caught yourself thinking how grateful you were that it would be harder to run into Jyhak, then immediately felt guilty for it. You hadnāt seen each other in over two weeks. You were both busy, unable to secretly meet at that apartment of his, the one youād grown to hate, to fear. You felt small there. Unimportant. You wished promotions would never end just so youād have a reason not to go back. You lied to him about late night practices, headaches, pains, until one day he showed up at your practice room and didnāt find you.
When you stepped on stage your eyes were full of excitement. You gave it your all, as always. You loved this job. You loved the music you worked so hard on. You loved the girls you shared all of this with. You wanted them to be proud, of the team, of themselves, of you.
The stage went incredibly. Fans were louder than ever. You ran backstage, giggling and hugging, praising each other. Back in your dressing room you sat in front of the TV broadcasting the show, watching the other performances. Learning from others was always part of the process.
Stray Kids were last.
The girls perked up immediately, nudging each other to pay attention. As the performance started, your eyes were drawn to one member instantly, the tallest one, with long black hair. You caught yourself thinking that he looked like a prince. His movements were flawless, and it was obvious how skilled he was.
āWhoās the one with the long hair?ā you asked.
āWhat is wrong with you, y/n? Do you seriously not know their names?ā Soon laughed.
āHyunjin,ā she said.
āHuh?ā you murmured, staring at the screen.
āEarth to y/n. His name is Hyunjin, the one youāre salivating over.ā
āIām not,ā you replied. āHeās just really good.ā
āYeah, like heās not also attractive as fuck,ā Kyuji added.
āIām not saying heās not.ā you laughed.
You watched the rest of the performance in silence. When the music ended you finally felt grounded again. Truthfully, you thought Hyunjin was the prettiest man youād ever seen. You had seen group photos of them before, but you never really noticed him.
Feeling dehydrated, you stood up.
āWhere are you going?ā Soon asked. āTheyāre about to announce the winner.ā
āIāll grab some water.ā
āWell, itāll be Stray Kids anyway,ā she said, smiling.
You wandered the hallway looking for water when suddenly a hand grabbed your dress and yanked you back.
āGot you.ā
Your heart stopped.
Jyhak.
āWhat the hell, you scared me!ā
āWhat are you doing out here? Isnāt your boyfriend nominated today?ā he said mockingly.
Confused, you shook your head. āIf you were nominated you wouldnāt be here.ā
āAre you acting dense on purpose?ā he snapped. āIām talking about that bitch boy you were drooling over earlier. You think I donāt keep an eye on you and your idiot friends?ā
Your body went cold.
āI didnāt drool for anyoneā you said quietly.
He laughed, visibly angry.
āLet go of my arm,ā you whispered. āAnyone could see.ā
But instead of letting you go he dragged you behind a rack of clothing near a storage closet, hidden, but still very much public. Cheering erupted nearby. The winner had probably been announced.
āGet on your knees and blow me right here right now and maybe that'll make me forgive you and forget all about your little wet dream back there over Hwang.ā
āWhat? No! Are you insane?ā you whispered.
He shoved you down.
āIt wasnāt a question, slut.ā
Your body locked up and mind was racing as you tried to think of a way out, any way. His other hand roamed under your dress, rough and impatient, squeezing, grabbing, doing whatever he wanted while you stayed painfully aware of how exposed you were. You kept your hands clenched at your sides, afraid that if you moved, if you resisted it would get worse. And you knew that well enough.
He unbuckled his belt and started rubbing himself while touching you everywhere, roughly, ugly, gross.
You heard footsteps. Laughter and voices.
He leaned closer, his nasty hot breath close to you ear āDonāt make a sound.ā
The group passed by, several pairs of shoes, hurried and excited. Stray Kids. They were laughing, congratulating each other, someone shouting about the trophy. You kept your eyes fixed on the floor praying they wouldnāt look your way. You wouldnt be able to bear such humiliation.
But one of them did.
You could hear the rest of the footsteps getting further away in the distance, but someone had slowed down, someone had stopped.
From where he stood, he could see enough. The way your body was pressed awkwardly against the rack, the way your dress was hitched too high, the way your face was pale and rigid, eyes wide looking down on the floor with fear. He saw the man towering over you, hand tangled in your hair, the unmistakable look of control and possession.
Your eyes lifted without meaning to, and met his.
For a split second, you thought you imagined it. It was him.
It wasnāt a foreign concept for idols to mess around backstage. Everyone knew it happened and everyone had learned to mind their own business. No one ever asked questions.
But this wasnt it.
He looked deep within your eyes.
He knew.
āHeyā Hyunjin said sharply and loud.
Before Jyhak could even turn around, Hyunjin was on him. One moment he was touching you, the next he was being yanked back violently, Hyunjinās arm locked around his neck, forcing him away from you. You scrambled backward instinctively, pulling your dress down with shaking hands.
āWhat the fuck were you doing to her?ā Hyunjin was now shouting.
Jyhak struggled, choking out a laugh. āSheās my girl man, chill outā
Hyunjin looked back at you again, still on the floor, scared, shaking, tears forming in your eyes and makeup ruined, and he tightened his grip.
āYeah I donāt think so.ā
He shoved Jyhak away hard enough that he stumbled, then immediately turned back to you. His expression changed the second he looked at you, anger replaced with something softer so to not scare you any further.
He shrugged out of his blazer and draped it over your shoulders without hesitation, shielding you completely. His voice dropped, calm and certain.
āYouāre safe now. What's your name? Where is your group? What are you doing with him back here?"
Your body finally gave in. Your hands trembled as you clutched the fabric, the warmth grounding you. You couldnāt speak. You could barely breathe.
Hyunjin didn't wait for you to answer his questions, you were still shaking, he stepped slightly in front of you placing himself between you and Jyhak like a wall.
āAnd donāt even think about touching her again, or I promise you wonāt have a career left to worry about.ā
______________________________________________
You didnāt remember walking.
Hyunjinās hand was still holding yours but you couldnāt feel it anymore. Your brain had shut down, your body running on instinct alone. You just knew you were moving away from him, away from the rack, away from the noise.
Hyunjin led you down the hallway. He kept his blazer wrapped tightly around you, shielding your body, shielding your face, shielding whatever remained of your dignity. The building felt huge and loud and alive, but the closer you got to the back rooms the quieter it became. People moved around you like you were invisible. You wondered if anyone had noticed what happened and you prayed your manager or the rest of the girls weren't walking around this hallway.
You didnāt want to look back.
You couldnāt.
Hyunjin stopped outside a door marked STAFF ONLY and pressed his back against it to open while still holding you. His breath was heavy, jaw clenched.
He sat you down and lowered down himself so that you could see each other.
āAre you okay?ā he asked.
The question hit you like a slap.
You didnāt know how to answer.
Your voice came out small, like it belonged to someone else.
āI.. I think so.ā
He didnāt look convinced, kept your hand in his.
āIām so sorry,ā he said. And you finally burst into tears, fully crying now. You leaned forward and cried in his arms, and he hesitated but he hugged you back.
After a moment, Hyunjin released you, stepping back slightly.
He waited a moment longer, making sure you werenāt going to collapse again. Then he spoke softly, like he was afraid to scare you.
āWe should probably go somewhere else. Somewhere quiet. Anyone could get in here at any momentā
You blinked through your tears. āI.. I canāt go back.ā
āI canāt go back in there like this,ā you whispered. āMy group.. the girls donāt know. They donāt know Iām even dating him. And if they see me like this⦠I donāt think I could explain it.ā
Hyunjinās expression tightened but he didnāt push. He didnāt rush you. He simply waited for you to breathe.
āIām not going to make you go back,ā he said finally. āCome with me to our dressing room. You can fix yourself up and calm down. You donāt have to say anything to the rest of the guys. Iāll talk to them.ā
You stared at him. You didnāt know why he was being so kind, so patient. Why he even cared to help you like this. You, a nobody. You were still shaking, still embarrassed, still terrified.
You didnt know this man, he was a stranger, but something about him felt safe so you agreed. What else could you possibly do anyway, this seemed like the only option that would humiliate you less, other than the fact one of the biggest bands in the world would now be aware of your mess. Of this ugly, ugly mess.
āOkayā you whispered.
Hyunjin nodded and gently guided you out of the staff room. He kept the blazer wrapped around you and he held your hand lightly, not too tight, not too loose. He didnāt want to hurt you. He didnāt want to make you feel trapped again.
When you reached the hallway he opened the door of Stray Kids' dressing room and you prayed none of the girls would come outside of theirs, since your dressing room was right there next to this door. He stepped inside first, letting you stay behind the doorway for a second. He walked straight to the center of the room where the other members were sitting on couches and scrolling through their phones. They were still buzzing from the win, still excited, still laughing quietly among themselves.
āGuys,ā he said. āThereās a situation and I kind of need you to get out of here for a bit, don't ask anything ā
They were about to make jokes on that, but then they looked up, surprised by the seriousness on his face.
You heard someone say āBro what the fuck is everything okay, you look like you saw a ghost. And where the fuck were you?.ā
He didn't reply to any of that. He just quietly said āGuys.. Pleaseā
He held the door open and looked back toward the hallway, as if inviting you in.
You stepped inside slowly.
The moment you appeared every head turned.
You felt the room shift around you. The boys stared at you, not sure what to do. They didnāt say anything. They didnāt move. They only looked.
It was strange, how quickly the air changed. It was like they could sense something was horribly wrong but didnāt know what.
Hyunjin met your eyes and gave you a small reassuring nod.
Then without another word the rest of them looked away. They gave you space. They didnāt ask questions. They didnāt stare. They didnāt force you to explain. It's like they communicated the situation with Hyunjin through stares only. You wondered, is that what it's like to be so close with someone that you can read their eyes?
A few seconds later they stood up and started leaving one by one, still silent, still respectful. Their eyes didnāt linger. Their presence wasnāt heavy.
They left you alone woth him. When the door clicked shut, you finally exhaled.
Hyunjin moved closer again, his voice gentle.
āYou can sit, if you wantā he said. āTake your time. Iāll get you whatever you need.ā
You sank onto the couch like your body had finally remembered how to rest.
Hyunjin walked over to the vanity mirror, opened the drawers and started pulling out a few things. Water, tissues, a hairbrush. He set them on the table beside you.
āHere,ā he said, offering the water. āDrink.ā
You took it with shaky hands and he waited until you swallowed before speaking again.
āThereās a bathroom in here,ā he said quietly. āYou can use it. You can fix your makeup. If you want to change I can give you something to cover up.ā
You looked at him, and your eyes filled with tears once again.
āI donāt want to be a burden, you might get in trouble if someone sees me in hereā you whispered.
Hyunjin shook his head instantly.
āYouāre not a burden, you're a personā he said firmly. āAnd don't worry about me getting in trouble over a girl in my dressing room, I am way past that stage of my career.ā
You hesitated, then nodded slightly.
āI just⦠I donāt know what to say.ā
Hyunjin sat beside you, leaving a respectful distance between you two. He didnāt touch you unless you needed him to.
āI donāt need you to say everythingā he said softly. āYou donāt have to tell me. Just tell me if you feel like you are in danger, because it sure did feel like you were back there.ā
You swallowed, trying to steady your voice.
āHe.. he got mad, it's normal, it happensā you were holding your head in your hands, trying to calm down still, to come back to earth.
āIt shouldnāt happen.ā
You looked up at his eyes, full of worry, you knew he could read you, you could see it in his eyes that he knew very well what he saw back there was only the surface of all of it.
āHe pulled me into that cornerā you continued. āHe told me to do something. I said no. He⦠he didnāt listen. He didnāt stop. I am so sorry you had to see thatā
You paused, the words catching in your throat. Guilt and more guilt.
He lifted his hand as if to touch your face, then hesitated, letting it hover near your cheek. āYou have nothing to be sorry for,ā he said quietly. āPlease, donāt say that. Does he hurt you?ā
Pause. Silence. How could you possibly tell him.
āI donāt know what Iām supposed to do,ā you whispered, your gaze dropping to Hyunjinās shoes as your tears splashed softly against the polished leather.
Guilt.
Hyunjin reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, his movements careful like he didnāt want to startle you. He unlocked it, tapped a few times then held it out to you.
āMy number, see, I'll write it down for you okay?ā
He found a little sticky note, wrote down the numbers carefully and placed it in your palm.
āIf youāre ever scared, or if he shows up again, if you feel like you canāt breathe or like youāre trapped, call me. Pleaseā
You looked up at him then, really looked, and he met your eyes without flinching. And even though you were in a terrible state you caught yourself thinking of how beautiful he is. His eyes looked teary, like glass, his lips were full, pretty, so pretty.
āText me your location,ā he continued. āYou donāt have to explain anything. You donāt have to justify it. Even if itās just a dot on a map. Iāll come.ā
Your chest tightened.
āWhat ifā¦ā You swallowed hard. āWhat if Iām being stupid? What if itās not that bad and Iām just overreacting?ā
Hyunjin shook his head immediately.
āYouāre not,ā he said, without hesitation. āAnd youāre not stupid.ā
The certainty in his voice made something inside you crack.
āYou donāt owe anyone your pain to prove itās real, if youāre scared, thatās enough.ā
Your eyes burned, tears spilling over again. You nodded slowly, pressing your lips together to keep yourself from falling apart completely.
āOkay,ā you whispered.
Hyunjin finally slipped his phone back into his pocket. He gave you a small smile, soft, reassuring.
āYou donāt have to decide anything right now,ā he said. āJust⦠keep yourself safe tonight. Thatās all I care about.ā
You werenāt used to this.
Someone listening without interrupting. Someone believing you without asking for proof. Someone offering help without expecting anything in return.
It made your chest ache in a way you didnāt quite understand.
But for the first time in a long while, the fear eased just a little.
--------------------------------------------------------------
You didnāt remember leaving the building.
You hurried back to your dressing room. When the girls asked what could have possibly taken you so long you made up a story about needing to use the restroom and getting stuck in a long line. They didnāt question it. Thankfully.
The ride back to the dorm felt eerie. You didnāt speak. You barely moved. You just stared out the window as if you were watching someone elseās life unfold.
The only thing that stayed clear in your mind was Hyunjinās face. The way his expression had changed the moment he understood what was happening. The way he hadnāt hesitated before stepping in.
The thought of it made your chest ache. You kept replaying his voice, his soft hands barely touching you. His full of worry and angry eyes.
It felt overwhelming in a way you werenāt prepared for. Not because of what had happened, but because of what hadnāt. He hadnāt blamed you. He hadnāt doubted you. He hadnāt treated you like something broken or dirty. For the first time you could remember, a man had been kind to you when you were at your weakest. Not because he wanted something from you. Not because he expected anything in return. Just because he saw you were hurting and decided you deserved to be safe.
The realization made your eyes sting all over again. You pressed your forehead lightly against the cool glass of the window and let the tears come quietly, careful so the girls don't see you in such state, holding onto the thought of him like it was the only solid thing left.
When you finally arrived at the dorm the hallway felt too bright and too normal. The girls went to their rooms and immediately fell asleep.
Everyone was exhausted.
Then your phone buzzed.
A notification.
Then another.
Another one.
Your heart stopped. You opened your messages.
Thousands of unread texts.
All from Jyhak.
Your stomach dropped. You clicked the first one.
A wave of nausea crashing over you as your hands shook so violently you nearly dropped the phone. You clicked the first one, dread pooling like ice in your veins.
āYou think you can do that to me and get away with it?"
āYouāre mine. No one else gets to touch whatās mine or Iāll carve my name into your skin so you never forget.ā
āYou donāt get to embarrass me in front of the world. Iāll ruin your pretty little face, make sure no one looks at you the same.ā
āIāll kill him and make you watch.ā
āIāll ruin you. Leak every photo, every video, show the world what a filthy slut you really are.ā
āIf you ever talk to him again, youāre done. I will shatter your career before it starts.ā
āYouāll wish you never met me"
Your hands began to tremble uncontrollably, the phone slipping in your sweat slicked grip. The messages kept coming, one after another, faster than you could read, threats laced with graphic details of violence, demands that made your skin crawl, insults that echoed your deepest insecurities, making you feel worthless, trapped, like every breath was a reminder of your stupidity for staying so long. Apologies somewhere in the middle, like always, āIām sorry, baby, I love you, come back and Iāll make it rightā, then insults again, vicious and personal āYouāre nothing without me, just a pathetic idol wannabe who spreads her legs for attention.ā
Your name written like a curse, over and over. You tried to think of something to say, something that would make him stop, but you couldnāt find anything, you didnāt know how to make him stop without making it worse, without inviting more pain, more humiliation. So you didnāt reply, curling into yourself on the bed, sobs wracking your body as guilt consumed you.
Why didnāt you leave sooner? Why are you so weak? This is your fault.
For the next few days, the dorm became your cage.
You didnāt go out. Practice would end at 21:00 and you'd be back in your dorm by 21:03. You barely ate. You stopped talking much, stayed in your room, sitting on your bed, staring at your phone, waiting for the next message like it was a punishment you deserved. Thankfully he was way too busy to find the time to come looking for you in person but just the fact that he was always a wall close to you would send shivers down your spine.
And the girls had started to notice.
-------------------------------------------------
It started small.
Too small for anyone to panic.
You skipped breakfast one morning. Then lunch. You stopped sitting in the living room after practice and went straight to your room instead, locking the door behind you, curling up in the dark where the walls felt like they were closing in. When you did join them you barely spoke, your voice hollow and all of your smiles forced.
Soon noticed first.
She always did.
āHey,ā she said one evening, leaning against your doorframe while you sat on your bed scrolling aimlessly through your phone āYou okay?"
You nodded too quickly. āYeah. Just tired.ā
Guilt gnawed at you, you were lying to the people who cared, isolating yourself further, convinced theyād hate you if they knew the truth, if they saw how broken you really were.
Kyuji followed not long after, plopping down on the floor dramatically. āYouāve been ājust tiredā for like four days straight. Thatās illegal.ā
You forced a smile.
āPromotions are exhausting.ā
But the words tasted like ash, your mind screaming that you were a burden that is dragging them down with your darkness.
Nara lingered in the doorway, quiet as always, watching you more than listening.
Minseo hovered behind her, arms crossed, eyes worried. āYouāve barely been eating,ā Minseo said softly.
āI eat,ā you replied, a little defensive. āJust⦠later.
Soon frowned.
āDid something happen at the venue the other day? You were gone forever and you haven't been the same ever since. I mean yeah you're always sort of quiet compared to our stupid asses here but we feel like maybe something happened?ā
Your stomach dropped, panic rising. You shook your head.
āWhat? No. The bathroom line was insane. Come on guys I already told you.ā
āIt was that bad?ā Soon said.
āYeah.ā
There was a pause. A heavy one, thick with unspoken worry that only deepened your guilt. Nara finally spoke.
āYou donāt have to tell us anything you donāt want to.ā
You looked up at her.
āBut,ā she continued gently, āwe can tell somethingās wrong.ā
Your throat tightened. You looked at all of them. The concern on their faces. The way they were trying not to push. It made it all worse. You wanted to scream the truth.
āIām fine,ā you said again, quieter this time. āI promise. I just need rest.ā
They didnāt believe you. But they didnāt push. Soon sighed and straightened up. āOkay. But if you need anything, weāre here. All of us.ā You nodded, unable to speak. They left your room one by one. And when the door closed, you curled into yourself and stared at your phone, feeding the voice that said you deserved every bit of this hell.
-----------------------------------------------------
The apartment was louder than usual when Hyunjin got back that day.
He could hear footsteps and talking. He was living for the past few years with Changbin, so the apartment was always somewhat quiet. The guys were there, he thought. After all they would gather at someone's place from time to time and hang out.
Changbin inside was pacing. Felix sat on the couch with his arms crossed. Han, Chan and Seungmin were talking over each other. Jeongin was quiet, sitting at the table with his phone face down. Minho was on his phone, quite, worried.
Hyunjin barely got his shoes off before Changbin turned to him.
āWhere the hell were you?ā
Felixās voice followed. āYou disappeared. We thought something happened.ā
Something did happen.
Hyunjin exhaled and ran a hand through his hair. āWell, something did happen Felixā
The room went still.
He sat down slowly. āI stopped something backstage. A guy was.. fuck.ā he sighed āHe was hurting someone.ā
Silence.
Han swore under his breath. āWhat do you mean hurting?ā
āI mean she said no,ā Hyunjin said flatly. āAnd he didnāt stop.ā
Everyone's jaws tightened. They all gathered around Hyunjin now.
āWho was she? I've never seen her before. Did you get her name?ā Seungmin asked.
āWho was hurting her?ā said Chan, who wasn't there when Hyunjin brought you back in the dressing room and hadn't even seen you. The guys had explained the scene to him. Now standing next to Hyunjin with both his hands on his head like he couldn't believe this was happening.
Hyunjin was staring at the floor, at his shoes. āI didn't get her name, I asked but she did not answer, maybe she didn't want me to know? Fuck I don't know I am so fucked up right nowā
āOkay, relax, who was it. Who was hurting her?ā Chan asked again, Hyunjin was clearly too overwhelmed to be able to answer multiple question at once.
āThat fucking guy from Wonder Boys, Jysomething. She looked my age, what the fuck is he doing with her isn't he like almost 40?ā
āJesus..ā said Minho. āHe's dating her?ā
āHe told me she's his girl when I got him off of her and she told me her memebrs don't know about the relationship, so yeah, he isā
Everyone was shocked. They knew him. Wonder Boys is an older boy group, seven members, everyone was between the ages of 35 and 40.
Changbin clenched his fists. āWas she okay?ā
āNo,ā he sighed again āShe was terrified.ā
Felix leaned forward. āDid she tell anyone?ā
Hyunjin shook his head again. āShe couldnāt. Sheās a rookie. And besides that her career will be ruined if this gets out, you know this, we know how thisā
Han stood up. āThatās so fucked up.ā
āShe couldnāt even go back to her group,ā Hyunjin continued. āShe was scared theyād see her like that. She didnāt want anyone to know.ā
Jeongin finally spoke. āWait.ā
Everyone turned to him.
āA rookie girl group?ā he asked.
Hyunjin nodded.
Jeongin grabbed his phone and started typing. āWas it PFF?ā
Hyunjin looked up. āYou know them?ā
āYeah,ā Jeongin said. āThey debuted a few months ago. Same company asāā He stopped himself. āThatās her.ā
Hyunjinās chest tightened. āWhich one?ā
Jeongin turned the phone toward him.
āThat one.ā
Hyunjin stared at the screen.
It was you.
His stomach dropped.
āSheās been killing it lately,ā Changbin muttered. āSheās everywhere. Can't believe I couldn't recognise her, poor girl looked so different and scared when you brought her inā
āAnd sheās going through all that..ā Han said.
Hyunjin stood without saying a word and walked down the hall to his room.
He closed the door behind him and sat on the edge of his bed.
Opened his laptop.
He searched your group. Then your name. He figured out you were under the same company as that bastard. He panicked but he held his chest and tried to take deep breaths to calm himself down.
Then clicked on the first fancam that popped up with your name.
You were smiling. Bright. Confident.
His jaw tightened. You looked nothing like the girl he met today. You looked happy on stage, alive..
He watched another. Then another one.
And then, in one clip, when you turned too fast your shoulder caught the light, and here it was. A bruise. Faded. Yellowing. Hidden under stage makeup and clothes but still there.
Hyunjinās breath hitched.
āFuck.ā
The screen kept playing.
He didnāt look away. And he wasn't going to.
---------------------------------------------------------
You should have been excited.
An award show invitation was a milestone, proof that PFF was being taken seriously. A real stage. A real audience. Cameras everywhere.
Instead, your stomach twisted the moment your manager confirmed the schedule.
Wonder Boys were nominated. That only meant he would be there.
The thought alone made your chest tighten. You could already picture him in the crowd, dressed perfectly, smiling for cameras as always, giving his all to his fans that he swore to them were his only true love, maybe that's why you were being treated so badly this whole time, you weren't his true love, you weren't one of them.
You didnāt know how you were supposed to sit in the same room as him. How you were supposed to pretend everything was fine.
You looked at yourself in the bathroom and stared at your reflection longer than necessary. Your makeup hid most things. Long sleeves did the rest. Still, you felt exposed.
You opened your phone and searched the list of the attending artists.
Your breath caught.
Stray Kids.
Your heart skipped painfully.
It made everything worse. And somehow⦠better.
You wanted to see Hyunjin again more than you wanted to admit.
Youād never texted him. You wanted to thank him properly but you never did.
You told yourself it was to protect him. To protect yourself too. But the truth sat heavier than that. You were embarrassed. Ashamed. Afraid that even saying thank you would open a door you werenāt allowed to touch.
Still, the thought of him being in the same room made your pulse race.
--------------------------------------------
The red carpet passed in a blur of flashing lights. By the time you were seated your legs felt weak.
Your eyes found Wonder Boys almost immediately.
And him.
Jyhak was already looking at you.
Not casually. Not accidentally.
His stare was sharp, full of anger, his jaw tight like he was holding himself back. You looked away instantly, forcing your gaze to the stage, your hands clenched in your lap.
Donāt look. Donāt react.
Then, like your body moved on its own, your eyes shifted again.
Stray Kids.
And him.
Hyunjin caught your eye at the same moment you caught his.
Your breath hitched.
He smiled.
Not big. Not obvious. Just enough.
He didnāt wave. He didnāt nod. He didnāt give anyone a reason to look twice. But the smile was for you. Your heart started beating so fast it made you dizzy.
The show unfolded slowly. Award after award.
Stray Kids kept winning.
Every time Hyunjin walked on stage the room seemed to tilt. He looked unreal under the lights, confident, radiant, completely in his element. You watched him accept trophies, bow politely, laugh with his members. You watched the way he carried himself, steady and calm. And every time, something fluttered painfully in your chest.
He looked untouchable up there. And yet you knew how gentle he could be.
When it was finally your turn to perform you stepped onto the stage with your heart racing. The lights blinded you.
And then you saw them.
Stray Kids were standing. All of them.
Clapping. Cheering. Moving along to the music.
Your breath caught when your eyes met Hyunjinās again.
He was watching you. Really watching. Not the way cameras did, not the way fans did, but like he could see past the choreography and the lights and straight into you. His smile was wide now.
With every beat of the music you felt yourself steady. Your movements grew sharper, more confident. You held your head higher. When you hit the chorus you didnāt shrink or second guess yourself. You owned the stage. The girls beside you were also killing it.
You danced like you meant it. Like you deserved to be seen. Like you werenāt someoneās secret or someoneās mistake but an artist standing exactly where she belonged.
As you finished the stage adrenaline still buzzing through you, you saw it.
Jyhak was missing from his seat.
Before you could even think you saw Hyunjin leave his seat as well as the rest of his friends looked at him worried. Your heart dropped into your stomach, you bowed to the fans and hurried backstage, your members calling your name behind you, guilt flooding you for dragging Hyunjin into your nightmare.
āYou think youāre a hero?ā
Jyhakās voice was loud, venomous, echoing off the walls.
āMessing with shit that doesnāt concern you?ā
āYouāre a fucking monster,ā Hyunjin snapped back, his voice trembling with rage. āGoing after someone that young and hurting her on top of itā
You rounded the corner just in time to hear it.
āSheās a stupid slut manā
Jyhak spat, his face twisted in ugly fury. āAlways desperate. Always hungry for attention. Hungry for this cock. Admit it Hwang, you just want a piece of that sweet box, I can negotiate, we can share, hell, Iāve already broken her in for you.ā
Your stomach twisted, humiliation burned through you.
Hyunjin didnāt hesitate. His fist connected with Jyhakās jaw in a sickening crack, blood spraying from split lips as Jyhakās head snapped back, stumbling into the wall with a thud. The sound was loud. Jyhak stumbled back, swearing, trying to swing back, his fist grazing Hyunjinās cheek drawing a thin line of blood but he missed the full hit. Completely.
āHyunjin, stopāā you cried, rushing forward, terror gripping you at the thought of Hyunjin getting hurt.
Jyhak grabbed your hair instead, yanking hard with a vicious pull that ripped strands from your scalp, sending fire through your nerves as he dragged you toward him. āSee?ā he snarled loudly, his breath hot and gross against your face. āThis is what she is, a worthless hole who comes crawling back every time.ā
The girls froze behind you. Everything clicked for them at once, the bruises they'd see when you weren't careful enough to hide them well at home and you'd say you fell off your bike when one of them would ask, and you saw the horror in their eyes, guilt crashing over you like waves for hiding it, for letting it poison everything.
Hyunjin moved instantly, prying his hand off you and pulling you behind him.
āTake herā he said to your members. āNOW.ā
He shoved Jyhak backward into a nearby room and slammed the door shut, locking it. The sounds of muffled crashes and grunts leaking through, each one twisting your gut with fear for Hyunjin.
Soon and Kyuji wrapped their arms around you, pulling you away as you sobbed, fighting to turn back, terrified. Your body shaking with the fresh pain of scratches and yanked hair, but worse, the anguish of knowing Hyunjin was risking everything for you.
āDonātāpleaseāwhat if he hurts himāā
āHe wonāt,ā Nara said firmly, voice shaking. āYouāre not going back there.ā
Fifteen minutes passed like torture, every second an eternity of guilt and dread, imagining Hyunjin bloodied, broken because of you. And then Hyunjin appeared. Knuckles red and split. The moment he saw you he crossed the room quickly.
āAre you okay?ā he asked, eyes scanning you carefully, his voice raw with worry that only deepened your self loathing for pulling him into this. You nodded through tears.
āHe will never touch you again,ā he said. āI promise.ā Before you could say anything, he stepped back. āI have to goā and he hurried off to a different room to get changed.
You returned to your seats with the girls, still shaking. Your legs felt like they might give out at any moment.
Soon looked at you, eyes wide. āAre you okay?ā
You forced a nod. āIām fine.ā
But you werenāt. Not even close.
You swallowed, the lump in your throat thick. āIāll tell you everything back at the dorms. I promise.ā
They didnāt push. They didnāt ask questions. They just stayed close.
The next performance started and Stray Kids took the stage again. The lights hit Hyunjin and you felt your breath catch. His movements were sharp, controlled. Every gesture was precise. Every line of his body looked like it was carved from stone.
His fists were red.
He kept them tight, like he was holding back something dangerous. Like the fight hadnāt left him yet. His jaw was tense. His shoulders stiff.
And yet, when he performed it was like he turned that tension into power.
He was beautiful. Not just handsome. Beautiful.
The kind of beauty that made you forget how to breathe.
Your chest tightened with a strange mix of fear and awe. You couldnāt stop watching him. He looked like someone who had been through something and still chose to shine. Like he was made of both strength and softness, and somehow he was carrying them both at once.
---------------------------------------------------------
When you finally made it back to the dorm the air felt heavy.
The girls gathered around you as soon as the door closed.
Soon pulled you into a hug. āOkay. Now you tell us everything.ā
You hesitated, then nodded. āI will. I just⦠I need to calm down first.ā
They sat with you anyway, quiet.
Finally, you spoke.
You told them everything. Every detail you could manage to get out without sobbing. Every moment you remembered. Every thing you hadnāt said out loud to anyone before.
They listened.
And when you finished, Nara reached out and took your hand.
āYouāre not aloneā
You smiled at her softly. They all stood up and hugged you tight.
Then Kyuji leaned forward, eyes serious. āWhat about Hyunjin? Did you⦠did he really give you his number?ā
Your face went hot. āYes.ā
The girls looked at you.
āAnd you didnāt text him?ā Minseo asked gently.
You looked down. āHe gave it to me only if I needed help. I didnāt want to bother him.ā
The girls exchanged teasing looks.
Soon shook her head. āHeās not going to think youāre bothering him.ā
Kyuji nodded. āHe clearly cares about you. Like⦠heās not just being nice. Heās worried. You think someone who was just being nice would punch a guy 11 years older than him?ā
You stared at your hands āI just keep thinking⦠what happened in that room? Why did he tell me he would never hurt me again?ā
The girls all went silent.
Then Soon spoke, her voice firm.
āText him. Now.ā
------------------------------------------------
You: hi You: itās y/n, never even told you my name.. You: sorry for texting you You: i donāt even know if i should
10 minutes later you get a text back.
Hyunjin: hi, of course you can text me Hyunjin: Iām glad youāre okay
You: i keep thinking about earlier You: i keep replaying it. i am so sorry for everything, i hate that you got involved, did you get hurt?
Hyunjin: please do not worry about me, iām fine. are you safe right now?
You: i think so You: i donāt know You: i just feel⦠like iām drowning
Hyunjin: if you need me just say so, do you want me to come and get you from somewhere?
You: no, it's okay, i'm at the dorms, i wanted to say thank you You: properly You: but i didnāt know how You: iām embarrassed
Hyunjin: he is the one that should be embarrassed, not you.
You: i know You: iām sorry
Hyunjin: stop apologizing, please. Hyunjin: just try to sleep, okay? he won't dare to touch you again. You: what do you mean?
Hyunjin: i mean if he touches you again i'll find out, and i'll make sure the entire world knows about some old shit he's hiding
You froze, you knew what this was about. His drug abuse, what else. After all he would do more time for abusing drugs that for abusing you.
After a few minutes of not replying, he double texted
Hyunjin: you donāt even have to break up with him, itās done, heās not going to bother you ever again. rest now, youāve had a long day.
Third text in a row
Hyunjin: you did great today with your performance.
You stared down at your phone, a faint smile appeared on your lips. You managed to respond a few minutes later
You: thank you, you were amazing too.
āāāāāāāāā-----------------------------------
Hyunjinās apartment was quieter than you expected. It smelled faintly of detergent and coffee, warm and lived in. Changbin wasnāt home. Hyunjin mentioned it casually, like it was nothing, but your shoulders still loosened a little when you realized it was just the two of you.
āSorry, itās kind of messy,ā he said, kicking a pair of shoes out of the way.
āItās really notā you laughed.
Sometime over the past two months the texts had stopped feeling careful and started feeling familiar. Hyunjin had been the one to reach out first, always gentle, always checking in.
At first you only answered when you had to, short replies, polite distance. But then you started asking back. About his day. About whether heād eaten and what, just like he would do with you. About the book he mentioned finishing at three in the morning. The conversations stretched later, then longer. Some nights you talked until sleep blurred the words on your screen. There was no sudden shift, no moment you could point to, just a closeness that settled in without permission. So when he mentioned that you could borrow some books if you wanted you stared at the message for a long time before answering, thumb hovering over the screen, heart beating too fast for something that was supposed to be simple. Borrowing books. That was all. Still, your mind filled in everything that could go wrong. Being seen. A photo taken out of context. A headline that would destroy both of you. You, mostly. You typed out an excuse twice, erased it both times, then sat on your bed feeling foolish for how much you wanted to go anyway.
Hyunjin noticed. He saw the dots appear and disappear.
Itās okay if you donāt feel comfortable, heād texted. No pressure. Really. I just thought you might like them.
Something about that, how he didnāt push, how he left the choice entirely in your hands. You waited until it was late enough that the streets would be quiet. You wore a hat pulled low, a mask, clothes that didnāt draw attention. Every step toward his building felt like crossing a line you werenāt sure you were allowed to cross. By the time you knocked your hands were shaking, half from fear of being seen, half from the realization that this was the first place youād gone not because you had to, but because you wanted to.
And when the door opened and you saw him, soft eyed and careful with you like he always was, you knew you wouldnāt have forgiven yourself if you hadnāt come.
The apartment wasn't huge but it felt lived in, the kind of place where someone actually spends time in instead of just crashing after long days. The living room had a worn couch against one wall, piled with a couple of throw pillows that looked soft from use and a small coffee table cluttered with sketchbooks, a half empty mug and a few remotes. A tv hung on the opposite wall and the only light came from a floor lamp in the corner, a warm glow.
He glanced at you as you took it in.
"Changbin's out," he said softly, as if to reassure you that it was just the two of you, no surprises. You nodded, but your chest tightened anyway, being here felt intimate in a way that scared you, reminding you of how long it'd been since you'd let yourself be this close to anyone without expecting it to hurt.
He motioned toward his room down a short hallway and you followed him, your footsteps quiet on the wooden floor that creaked a little under your weight. The door was already cracked open and when he pushed it wider the space unfolded. A double bed with rumpled sheets and a plain gray comforter, pushed against one wall to make room for everything else. There was a desk nearby, messy with art supplies, brushes in a jar, tubes of paint squeezed half empty, a canvas leaning against the leg that looked like he'd been working on it recently, colors smudged across it in unfinished strokes.
His room felt like him.
The walls had a few things pinned up. A couple of posters from art exhibits, faded ticket stubs from concerts taped haphazardly and shelves lined with books and small knick knacks. Everything was wrapped in soft earthy tones. Light browns, warm beiges, muted creams. Lamps were placed everywhere, not bright overhead lights but gentle golds that made the room glow. It felt like a place meant for late nights. This was his space, where he unwound, where he probably dealt with his own bad days. And here you were, stepping into it, feeling like an intruder even though he'd invited you.
Dried flowers hung in small bundles by the window and along the shelves. Some were tied with thin twine, others pressed carefully between glass frames. They were fragile but intentional, preserved instead of discarded. You found yourself wondering how long theyād been there, if heād dried them himself, if he kept them because he couldnāt stand the idea of something beautiful disappearing too quickly.
Hyunjin hung back by the door for a second, giving you space to look around, his hands shoved in his pockets like he didn't want to crowd you. You could see the concern in his eyes, the way he was trying not to let it show too much, but it was there. The careful way he moved like he knew one wrong step could send you bolting. It made your throat ache.
Books were everywhere. Stacked on the floor. Lined across shelves. Piled on the desk and the nightstand. Some with bent spines. Some with sticky notes peeking out between pages.
āYou werenāt kidding,ā you murmured. āYou really read all of these?ā
āMost of them,ā he said, rubbing the back of his neck. āSome I just⦠keep. In case Iām ready for them later.ā
He handed you a few novels, explaining why he liked them. You sat on the floor together, backs against his bed, knees almost touching. Almost.
You talked for hours. About childhood memories. About how loneliness felt different at night. About how some days felt heavier for no clear reason.
You laughed. Softly. Like you were afraid to scare the moment away.
Every now and then your body reacted before your mind did. When he leaned closer to show you a page. When his hand brushed yours as he reached for another book. You were flinching without meaning to. A sharp inhale. Your shoulders pulling in. A reflex you hated and couldnāt control. It happened when he shifted too suddenly, when his knee bumped yours, when his voice dropped a little lower as he read a line out loud. Your body remembered all that you were trying to forget.
Hyunjin noticed.
You could tell by the way he went still, the way his movements softened immediately, like he was afraid of taking up too much space. He pulled back just a fraction, gave you room without making it obvious, without asking questions that might force you to explain something you didnāt yet have words for.
āSorry,ā you murmured once, instinctively, even though he hadnāt done anything wrong.
āYou donāt have to apologize,ā he said gently. āI can move. Itās okay.ā
And it wasnāt the words that broke you. It was the way he meant them. The way he looked at you like your reactions werenāt an inconvenience, like your boundaries werenāt something to push against or test.
You could see it in his eyes when he thought you werenāt looking. The way his jaw tightened. The way his thumb worried at the edge of a page. It hurt him to see you like that.
You caught him watching you once. Not staring. Just looking, like he was memorizing the way you smiled at something on the page.
You looked away first.
When you left carrying a small stack of books against your chest he walked you to the door.
āTake your time,ā he said. āNo rush bringing them back.ā
You nodded. āThank you. For trusting me with them.ā
He smiled. āI trust you.ā
āāāāāāāāāāāāā----------------------------
Schedules were packed and exhausting but PFF was doing better than ever. Every stage felt less like survival and more like belonging. The girls noticed the change in you before you did. They were taking care of you in small, instinctive ways, the kind that came from love rather than obligation.
Of course, they noticed him too. The way your phone lit up more often. The way your mood lightened after certain messages. The way your eyes followed Stray Kids on stage just a second longer than necessary. Soon teased you relentlessly, accusing you of āsecret idol friendshipsā and dramatic love stories you always denied too quickly. Kyuji complained loudly about how unfair it was that you of all people were friends with Hyunjin, calling you lucky and insufferable in the same breath. Minseo watched you with a knowing smile, saying nothing, while Nara only said she was happy you had someone kind around you. They were jealous, yes, they were huge fans after all, but it was the playful kind, they knew what you had with Hyunjin was very special and were so happy for you.
Whatever this was, unnamed and fragile, they could see it was good for you.
āāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāā
It was past midnight when you met him.
The place was one of those forgotten corners the city had left behind, an old weathered concrete path that curved along the edge of the sea, half hidden by overgrown weeds and rusted railings. No streetlights reached this far, only the faint glow of the moon and the distant smear of city lights across the water kept the darkness from swallowing everything.
Waves rolled in below, steady and low and the air carried the sharp clean bite of salt and cold, the kind that slipped under your clothes and made you pull your jacket tighter. Both of you were dressed in black, hoods up, masks pulled down now that the world felt miles away. No one came here at this hour. No one came here at all. It was just the two of you and the water.
Hyunjin stood beside the railing, hands tucked deep into the sleeves of his oversized jacket. The breeze played with strands of his long black hair, lifting them gently and in the moonlight his face looked even softer, more tired than usual. Shadows sat under his eyes, but there was a quiet determination in the way heād suggested this place earlier.
You didnāt have practice today and when he asked if you wanted to come youād said yes before you could overthink it.
You talked about music for a long time, about the songs you dreamed of making someday, the kinds of feelings you wanted to pour into lyrics, the way certain melodies felt like confessions you werenāt brave enough to say out loud.
At some point he pulled his phone from his pocket, hesitated for half a second, then handed it to you with one earbud already in his ear and the other extended toward you.
āI recorded this a few nights agoā he said, voice low.
āItās rough. Really rough. But⦠I want you to hear it.ā
You took the earbud. He pressed play. The track started soft, bare acoustic guitar, a simple loop, his voice stripped down to almost a whisper. No polish, no layers, just him.
āAfter I become someone who loves you, I become someone who loves myself.ā
The melody curled around the words, gentle and aching. It sounded unfinished in the best way, honest, unguarded like heād written it in the dark and never meant for anyone else to hear it. You listened twice, eyes closed, letting the quiet vulnerability of it sink into your chest. When it ended you opened your eyes again.
āItās⦠gentle,ā you said softly. āBut it hurts.ā
He let out a small laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. āThatās not exactly a compliment.ā
āIt is,ā you insisted, handing the phone back.
Your fingers brushed his for a second, and neither of you pulled away
āIt feels real. Like you werenāt trying to impress anyone. Like you were just⦠being honest.ā
He looked down at the screen for a moment, thumb hovering over the lock button, then slipped the phone into his pocket. When he spoke again his voice was quieter.
āI donāt really play my demos for people. Not like that.ā
You tilted your head.
āWhy did you play it for me, then?ā
He leaned his elbows on the railing, eyes fixed on the dark water. The wind tugged at his hood, and for a second you thought he might not answer.
āI donāt know,ā he said finally. āI just⦠felt like youād understand it the way I meant it.ā
You stepped a little closer. Your shoulders were almost touching now. The sea kept its steady rhythm below, endless and patient.
āI used to think writing was about proving something,ā he continued, voice barely above the sound of the waves. āBeing good enough. Being seen. But lately⦠it feels more like trying to survive myself.ā
You swallowed. āYeah. I get that.ā
He turned his head then, just enough to look at you, careful, searching, like he needed to make sure you were still okay with him speaking so plainly.
āI donāt want to write songs that lie, I donāt want to pretend Iām okay when Iām not. Or pretend I donāt feel things when I do.ā
āYou donāt sound like someone pretending.ā
He went quiet.
After a long moment he spoke again, softer this time.
āIāve been meaning to tell you something.ā
Your stomach dropped.
He didnāt look at you when he continued. His gaze stayed on the water, like he couldnāt bear to see your reaction.
āI know this is selfish,ā he said, voice cracking just slightly on the last word. āAnd I know timing matters. And I know your life is already⦠complicated.ā
He took a shaky breath.
āBut I canāt keep pretending I donāt feel this.ā
Silence stretched between you, heavy and fragile.
āI like you,ā he said. āMore than I should. More than I planned to. I tried to ignore it. I really did.ā
Still nothing from you. The words hung there, raw and trembling.
He finally turned to look at you, panic flashing across his face when he saw you frozen, lips parted, eyes wide.
āIām sorry,ā he rushed out, breathing hard. āI shouldnāt have said that. I didnāt mean to put this on you. I justāā He stopped, running a hand through his hair. āI crossed a line. Iām sorry.ā
āNo,ā you whispered. Your voice trembled. āThatās not it. You didnāt do anything wrong.ā
Tears blurred your vision before you could stop them.
āI feel it too,ā you admitted, the words breaking free. āThatās the problem.ā
You covered your face with both hands, shoulders shaking as the sobs came quietly.
āI donāt think Iām ready,ā you managed through the tears. āI donāt even know how to be normal anymore. I keep thinking Iām going to wake up and this will all be a dream⦠but it isnāt. Itās still there. In my body. In the way I flinch when someone raises their hand. In the way I freeze when someone stands too close.ā
You swallowed hard, trying to steady your voice.
āIāve gotten so used to being scared that I donāt even realize Iām scared until itās too late. I donāt know how to trust a touch. Every time someone touches me, my brain goes to the worst version of it. My body remembers before my mind does.ā
A broken ironic laugh slipped out, small, hollow, the kind that didnāt reach your eyes. āI keep thinking Iām doing something wrong,ā you whispered. āLike if I donāt react fast enough, heāll be right here again.ā
Your hands shook as you pressed your palms harder against your eyes, trying to hold the tears back.
āIām scared, Iāll hurt you,ā you said, voice barely audible. āBecause I donāt know how to be close without panicking. I donāt know how to be loved without feeling like Iām being punished for it.ā
You looked up at him then, tears streaming freely.
āIām scared Iāll pull away and youāll think I donāt care. Or Iāll cling too hard and youāll think Iām crazy. I donāt know how to do this without breaking something.ā
The confession hung between you, fragile as sea mist. āIām scared I wonāt know how to let you love me⦠even if you try.ā
Hyunjin stepped closer but he didnāt touch you.
āI donāt need you to be ready babyā he said, voice soft and steady despite the shine in his own eyes.
Baby.. so simple yet oh how soft it sounded coming out of his lips, how warm. You yearned for being called that, even once, you were so used to being called harsh, ugly things.
āI just needed you to know how I feel.ā
You looked up at him. His eyes were wet too, dark and full of something painfully sincere, something that made your chest ache in the best and worst ways. And suddenly the distance between you felt unbearable. You leaned in first. Your lips met his, soft, unsure, tasting of salt from your tears and the sea air.
The kiss wasnāt rushed. It wasnāt hungry. It was slow, trembling, tender, like both of you were holding something precious that might shatter if you pressed too hard. He lifted one hand slowly, giving you time to pull away, then gently cupped your cheek. His thumb brushed away a tear, careful. When you finally pulled back just enough to breathe he rested his forehead against yours, eyes closed, breathing you in like heād been waiting years for this exact moment.
āWe donāt have to name this,ā he whispered, voice rough with emotion. āWe donāt have to rush anything.ā
You nodded, small and shaky, letting the sound of the waves fill the silence between you. The cold wind wrapped around you both but you didnāt feel it.
You only felt him.
-------------------------------------------------------------
After that night nothing was official, as you agreed. And yet everything was different.
It wasnāt a label, not even a promise. It was something quieter, something that didnāt need a name to exist.
Hyunjin was famous in a way that made even ordinary things feel dangerous. Every step he took was photographed. Every movement was recorded. Every moment he spent in public was watched like a performance. The idea of being seen with you, a rookie idol, was enough to ruin your career and get you blacklisted, enough to have him be the target of mass harassment for not being loyal to his fans. As if they owned him.
So everything had to be invisible, untraceable.
Sometimes, when schedules lined up, you met late.
A quiet cafƩ tucked behind the back entrance of a studio. A rooftop where the city lights looked like distant stars. A small bookstore with dim lighting and a smell of old paper. Each place felt chosen because it could hold the two of you without demanding anything from you.
You would sit shoulder to shoulder on a narrow bench, both of you pretending you were just friends who happened to like the same kind of silence.
Hyunjinās fingers would brush yours while reaching for a book, and you would flinch, every time. Not because you didnāt want it, but because your body was still trained to expect pain.
And he would notice. He always noticed.
He never moved too fast. He never took your hand without waiting for permission in your eyes first. When you did flinch, he would pull back immediately like heād been burned.
āSorryā heād whisper, voice low and careful.
And you would force a smile, because you didnāt want him to feel responsible for your brokenness.
But the truth was, his gentleness made you feel more fragile than anything else.
Your body started to learn little by little each time, that he didnāt touch you the way Jyhak did.
Once, you happened to practice at the same studio and you met in a quiet hallway after. It was late and the building was nearly empty. Hyunjin had told you heād wait for you. Just to say hi, just to see you even for a minute.
You arrived with your hair still damp from a quick shower, your makeup half erased, your eyes heavy. Your legs felt like they were carrying weights. You could barely keep your shoulders from shaking.
He leaned against the wall, arms folded, his eyes on the floor like he was trying to look calm for you.
When he saw you his expression softened. He stepped forward and without saying a word he wrapped his jacket over your shoulders. The same jacket he wore that night at the sea. The same fabric that smelled faintly of detergent and something that felt like home.
Your hands trembled as you tugged the sleeves into place.
āAre you cold?ā he asked, voice gentle.
You nodded, unable to speak.
He stood close enough that your shoulders touched, and you felt a warmth that wasnāt just from his jacket.
You leaned your head against the side of his shoulder without thinking and you let yourself relax there for a few minutes.
----------------------------------āāāāāāāāāā
It was very late when you arrived at Hyunjinās apartment.
The streets were quiet, the kind of quiet that felt like the city had finally stopped moving. Your body was still buzzing with exhaustion. Youād gone straight from practice and the day had felt endless. You didnāt even remember how you got there.
Hyunjin opened the door and stepped back, letting you in.
You were so tired but you needed this, you needed to see him, to be close to him.
The apartment was warm. The lights were dim, the air filled with the faint scent of coffee and dried flowers. This time more than ever you noticed how calm everything felt, how the space seemed designed to keep the world outside.
Changbin was there this time.
He was sitting on the floor with his back against the couch, scrolling through his phone. He looked up when you entered and gave you a quick smile.
āHeyā he said, like it was normal for you to show up at this hour.
You smiled at him. Chanbin was a wonderful person, you came to know him pretty well the past few months, and it was very obvious Hyunjin was talking to him about you.
Hyunjin put on a movie, In The Mood For Love, and you all sat on the coach and relaxed, a small glass of wine in your hands.
After half an hour or so Changbin shrugged and stood. āIām tired,ā he said, rubbing his eyes. āIām going to crash. You two can finish the movie without me.ā
āGoodnight,ā Changbin said, smiling at you. He looked at Hyunjin like he knew exactly what was happening, but he didnāt say anything, and after Changbin left the apartment felt quieter. The only sound was the low hum of the TV and the soft air conditioning.
Hyunjin was close enough that you could feel the heat radiating from his body, a quiet warmth that made the air between you feel thicker, heavier. You were aware of every small point of contact, the soft brush of his shoulder against yours, the way his hand rested on the couch cushion, fingers long and relaxed, just inches from your own.
You didnāt know what made you do it.
Maybe it was the dim glow of the lamp painting gold across his skin. Maybe it was the way the apartment had gone quiet, like the world outside had finally stopped breathing. Maybe it was the ache that had lived in your chest for so long, the bone deep loneliness that his presence somehow soothed and sharpened all at once
Your hand moved before your mind could catch up. You reached for him. It was sudden, impulsive, your fingers sliding over his, curling around them with a gentle squeeze. His skin was warm, surprisingly soft over the strength beneath and the simple contact sent a slow shiver up your arm.
He didnāt pull away.
His fingers flexed, closing around yours in return, firm but careful, like he was afraid too much pressure might make you disappear. The warmth of his palm spread through you, waking up parts of your body that had gone quiet for too long. You turned toward him slowly.
His eyes found yours immediately, dark and steady, pupils blown wide in the low light. There was no smirk, no arrogance, just a raw unguarded want that made your breath hitch. He watched you like you were something he wanted to memorize down to the smallest detail. Your heart slammed against your ribs. Your lips parted. You wanted to say something, anything, but the words wouldnāt come. Before you could try again, he leaned in. Slow. So slow it was almost torture. His face hovered inches from yours, close enough that you could see the way his lashes cast shadows on his cheeks, the soft part of his lips as his breath ghosted over your skin.
He stopped. Completely still. His eyes searched yours quiet, patient, asking without words if this was okay. You answered by closing the last bit of distance. Your lips met his. It wasnāt desperate but devastatingly tender like the first real breath youād taken since your last kiss with him. He stayed perfectly still at first, letting you lead, letting you decide how much or how little. Only when you pressed closer did he respond, his mouth moving against yours in slow, deliberate strokes, soft and warm and achingly careful.
You slid your hands up to his chest. God, he was solid. Firm muscle beneath the thin fabric of his shirt, the steady thump of his heartbeat racing under your palms. You could feel the heat of him seeping through, the rise and fall of his breathing quickening as you pressed your fingers in just a little and he exhaled softly against your mouth, a small, shaky sound that sent heat pooling low in your belly.
His hand lifted slowly, giving you every chance to pull away, then settled against your cheek. His thumb brushed over your skin tracing the curve of your jaw like he was learning you by touch alone.
You kissed him again, deeper this time. Still slow. Still careful. But hungrier. Your tongue brushed his, just a tentative touch, and he made a quiet, low sound in the back of his throat, almost a groan, the vibration traveling straight through you.
His fingers flexed against your cheek, thumb sliding to the corner of your mouth, holding you gently as the kiss turned wetter, warmer, more deliberate. Your hands slid higher, fingers curling into the fabric over his collarbones, feeling the way his pulse fluttered wildly under your touch. You could feel him trembling, just barely holding himself back with visible effort.
You wanted more.
You wanted to climb into his lap, feel the hard lines of him pressed against you, feel his hands roam lower, feel everything youād been denied for so long. But something inside you whispered not yet.
Not like this.
Not when the past still lingered in your bones. So you pulled back just enough to breathe, foreheads resting together, both of you panting softly. His eyes were dark, glassy, full of want and something even deeper.
He didnāt push. He didnāt ask for more. He just looked at you like you were the only thing in the world that mattered.
āIāmā¦ā Your voice cracked, small and shaky. āI want you. I do. But Iām not⦠Iām not ready toāā
He silenced you with the softest brush of his lips against yours, barely a kiss, more a promise.āI know,ā he whispered against your mouth. āI know, baby.ā
His hand slid to the back of your neck, thumb stroking slow circles at the base of your skull, soothing, not possessive.
āWe have all the time on the worldā he said, voice rough but steady. āIām not going anywhere.ā
You nodded, tears prickling at the corners of your eyes. You kissed him again, slower this time, softer, savoring every second.
Eventually you both sank deeper into the couch, his arm wrapped around your waist, your head tucked under his chin. His heartbeat thumped steadily against your ear and it lulled you. You drifted off like that, his fingers tracing lazy patterns on your back, your hand still curled inside his, the apartment silent except for the soft sound of your breathing. The next morning Changbin walked in, froze for half a second at the sight of you two curled together on the couch, then just smiled.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Hyunjinās phone buzzed constantly in his pocket as he walked toward his apartment.
Heād finished a birthday live and went straight to practice. He was tired. His body ached. But he was smiling because tonight had been good and his practice went better than he expected.
He opened the door.
And the lights turned on.
āSURPRISE!!ā
The room exploded with noise.
Balloons. Streamers. A huge cake that looked like a giant chocolate moon. The whole living room had been turned into a confetti factory. His members were all over the place, shouting, laughing, pushing him gently, and Hyunjin stood frozen for a second when he saw you behind them smiling so big at him.
His breath caught. He didnāt know how to react. He smiled back at you.
āWhat is this?ā
Changbin stepped forward, grinning wide.
āHappy birthday dudeā
Hyunjin looked around, eyes wide and smiled.
āYou planned this?ā he asked, turning to you.
You nodded, unable to hide how much it meant to you that he was finally smiling like this.
The rest of Stray Kids crowded around him, shouting and teasing.
āYouāre so old!ā Felix yelled and Hyunjin swatted him away playfully.
Hyunjinās eyes stayed on you the whole time.
You thought to yourself that you belonged in a room like this one, you belonged in a room full of laughter and friends.
The rest of the night was chaos in the best way.
You helped with the cake, and Hyunjin tried to eat more than his fair share while everyone shouted at him not to. Jeongin tried to steal the frosting with his fingers and got caught. Seungmin and Minho got into a ridiculous game of charades.
You sat beside Hyunjin on the couch for a moment, and he looked at you like he was trying to memorize you.
āThank you,ā he whispered.
You shrugged, pretending to be casual.
āDonāt be dramatic, it's nothingā you said.
He smiled softly. āYou didnāt have to do thisā
āI wanted toā
āThen thank you,ā he said again.
You leaned back into the couch, watching him laugh with his friends.
You realized then how much you wanted to be a part of this.
----------------------------------------------------
The party finally began to wind down.
One by one the guys began to leave. Changbin lingered last like he was waiting for permission to go.
āHyunjin,ā he said, smiling āIām going to go sleep at Chan's.ā
The apartment suddenly fell quiet. The lights now were dimmer and it was just the two of you. Once again. You were in the kitchen together, rinsing plates and stacking cups. The sound of water running was the only thing filling the silence. You looked over at him, he had a small, content smile on his face. You smiled at that. He looked genuinely happy.
When you finished with the plates you went and stood right behind him and he almost immediately turned around. You smiled at each other.
āHappy birthday, angel,ā you said to him so softly.
Why were you doing this to him?
His fingers wrapped around yours and you felt your heart speed up. You stepped closer and the space between you disappeared. His hand tightened around yours, his thumb brushing over your knuckles in slow soothing circles. You stared at him. His expression was soft, almost vulnerable. You swallowed, and he leaned in. Slowly. Carefully. He was making sure you wanted this, as he always did.
You two had been doing this for months now, sneaking around, hanging out and ending up kissing for hours, and yet he would never lean in and kiss you without permission.
His lips brushed yours. Just a touch. The usual test to make sure you're okay with it. As if you would ever deny those lips. You pressed your lips to his. Warmth, familiarity, safety. His hand stayed on your cheek, thumb rubbing your skin gently. You wrapped your hands around his waist, feeling the solid strength of him through his shirt. You were finally allowed to want something. Something that's not hurting you. His lips moved against yours with a slow rhythm. Your hands moved up to his chest, feeling the firm warmth beneath his shirt. He was strong. You felt your fingers sink slightly into the fabric, like you were trying to anchor yourself.
And you felt Hyunjinās breathing change, his chest rising faster under your touch.
āY/N⦠baby, let's just stop here, okay? You're drunkā
You smiled, you knew he was doing this for you. He was clearly incredibly turned on, you could feel it, the hard press of him against your thigh as you stood so close.
āIām not drunk Hyun, I had apple juice in my hand all nightā you said āI want to show you something.ā
He searched your eyes, his own dark and conflicted, a mix of desire and worry.
āY/Nā¦ā You took his hand, lacing your fingers with his, and gently tugged him toward his room.
āCome with me.ā He followed, but his steps were hesitant like he was holding himself back with every ounce of willpower. When you reached the door of his room and closed it behind you the room was dimly lit by a bedside lamp, casting soft shadows over the sheets and the scattered art supplies.
He stood there, trying to distract himself by fiddling with some papers on his desk, but you could see the tension in his shoulders, the way his hands trembled slightly. You approached from behind, wrapping your arms around his waist and hugging his back, pressing your cheek against his spine. He stilled, exhaling shakily. You turned him around slowly, your hands sliding up to rest on his stomach, feeling the taut muscles beneath his shirt. You looked deep into his eyes, seeing the mix of longing and fear there. He looked almost scared, scared of hurting you, of pushing too far.
āYou donāt have to do this,ā he said softly, āNot because itās my birthday. You do not owe me anything.ā
Your brows knit together. āHyunjināā
āI mean it,ā he interrupted gently, his hands coming up to cup your face, thumbs stroking your cheeks. āI can wait. We do not have to rush. I can wait forever if I have to. It is not important to me, and I need you to know that.ā His voice wavered just a little, his eyes glistening. āI want you to heal properly. Fully. I donāt ever want you to feel pressured. Not with me. Never with me.ā
You swallowed hard, your heart aching at his words, the way he always put you first, even now, when you could see how much he wanted this too. Tears pricked at your eyes, but you blinked them back.
āIām never going to be fully healed,ā you whispered, your voice breaking slightly. āNot completely. There will always be scars Hyunjin. But⦠I feel safe with you. Safer than Iāve ever felt with anyone. And that matters to me. It means everything.ā
You paused, searching his face, seeing the vulnerability there mirror your own. āI want this because itās you. Because I'm ready. And because I donāt want anything else more at this moment. Please⦠let me show you how much you mean to me.ā
He closed his eyes for a long moment, his forehead resting against yours, breathing you in. When he opened them again they were soft. āOkay,ā he whispered, barely audible. āBut only if youāre sure. And we stop the second you need to.ā
You nodded, a small smile breaking through. āIām sure.ā
His hands sliding down to your waist, holding you gently as you guided him toward the bed. He hesitated when you reached it, sitting down on the edge but not pulling you with him, just watching, waiting for your lead. You climbed onto his lap without hesitation, straddling him. The position made you feel grounded, in control, you felt comfortable like this, and he didnāt try to move you, didnāt try to get above you or push you down onto the bed. He just let his hands rest lightly on your hips, thumbs tracing small reassuring circles.
You leaned down and kissed his neck. Slow. Deliberate. He inhaled sharply, a soft, involuntary sound escaping him, a mix of a sigh and a moan that sent a thrill through you. Your lips lingered there, pressing open mouthed kisses along the column of his throat, tasting the faint salt of his skin and feeling his pulse under your tongue. He tilted his head instinctively giving you more space, his breath coming in warm, uneven puffs against your ear. You trailed your kisses higher, behind his ear, where he shivered visibly, across his jaw, nipping gently, over his cheeks, his forehead, always circling back to his lips. Those full, perfect lips that you could kiss forever. Never in your life had you seen lips like this, soft, plush, made for moments like these.
You pulled back only to undress yourself slowly, taking your top off. He opened his eyes, and when the faint bruise on your stomach came into view, a yellowish shadow, the last stubborn remnant of old pain, he froze.
His breath caught and he stared, the color draining from his face. His hand lifted, trembling as he traced it gently with his fingertips, barely touching like it might hurt you all over again. Tears welled up in his eyes before he could stop them. āHow is this still here?ā
His voice shook, cracking on the words, raw with anger
āGod, y/n..ā
You cupped his face, thumbs wiping away his tears even as your own threatened to fall. The sight of him like this, crying for you, hurting because of what youād endured tore at your chest apart.
āDonāt,ā you whispered, your voice thick āDonāt worry. Itās almost gone. He.. He did that, when I said no after work. I was so tired. He hit me so hard that it's the last one that hasnāt disappeared yet.ā
He closed his eyes, breath shaking, a quiet sob escaping him. His forehead pressed against your stomach, right over the bruise, and he held you there, his arms wrapping around your waist like he could shield you from the memory.
āI hate this,ā he whispered against your skin, voice muffled and broken. āYou didnāt deserve any of it. Not one second. I hope you know that. That monster-ā
He stopped himself.
Tears slipped down your cheeks now, silent and hot. "I had so many of these, he made me so ugly"
He lifted his head, eyes red.
āNot a single part of you is ugly,ā he said, voice trembling.
He bent forward and pressed a kiss to the bruise, soft, lingering like a vow. Then another, his lips warm and gentle against the faded mark. And another, each one slower, more devoted, as if he could kiss away the pain, the memory, the hurt. You watched him, heart swelling and breaking all at once, tears falling freely now. His tenderness undid you, how he worshiped the part of you that felt most broken turning it into something sacred.
He kissed you slowly after that, carefully, like every touch mattered, because it did. His hands slid up your back, pulling you closer, but never demanding. Then you started taking his shirt off and you giggled to yourself despite the tears. He was so beautiful, everywhere. Lean muscle, smooth skin glowing in the lamplight. You traced your fingers over his chest, his abs, memorizing the way he felt under your touch.
You shifted in his lap, acting fully on instict and starting to slowly dry hump his fully clothed thigh. The friction was immediate, delicious, a slow grind that built heat between your legs and your underwear already damp against the rough denim of his jeans.
He was losing it, his eyes fluttering shut, mouth parting on a soft groan. This was your first time seeing this side of him, raw, undone, and just the look on his face, eyes closed and lips parted in quiet ecstasy was enough to make your core clench, pushing you closer to the edge.
He was painfully hard in his jeans, the outline straining against the fabric. His moans grew louder as you moved faster, matching yours in pitch and desperation. You rode his thigh with purpose now, hips rolling in tight circles, the pressure building low in your belly.
He looked deep into your eyes the whole time, hands gripping the bedsheets like he was fighting not to touch you, his knuckles white. You were so wet, soaking through your panties. You suddenly stopped, standing up on shaky legs to quickly take your skirt off, the fabric pooling at your feet. When you sat back on his thigh the wet spot was obvious, glistening on his jeans, marking him.
āBaby, you're going to kill me, aren't you,ā he said, voice hoarse, a half laugh, half groan, his eyes dark with need.
You couldnāt reply back, you wouldnāt utter a single word, just moans spilling from your lips as the pleasure built. You were feeling so good, hands on his shoulders, gripping hard, nails digging in just enough to leave faint marks. You were reaching for something you hadn't felt in so long, an orgasm that wasnāt forced or faked.
You never got to orgasm with Jyhak. That was something that had only happened in the beginning of your relationship, before he started to change. Sex with him was a violent act, something that happened to you rather than with you. And thatās all you knew.
It wasnāt the best idea for you to be on top, in control of the situation. You didnāt know what you were doing, you were incredibly inexperienced after all. But you felt safe like this, it felt right for your body in that moment. And besides that, right now you were with your Hyunjin, and none of this mattered.
You started to shake as the orgasm hit you, crashing through your body in waves, your thighs clenching around his, a high pitched moan tearing from your throat. He groaned almost as loud as you did, the sound deep and guttural, his hands finally reaching for you as you collapsed against his torso, trembling in his arms.
He held you through it, whispering soft praises.
āThatās it, baby, Iāve got youā
When you got your breath back, you looked at him and he looked so gone. Flushed cheeks, parted lips, still painfully hard beneath you. So you started to touch him through his jeans, your hand sliding over the bulge, feeling him twitch under your palm. His gaze dropped to his crotch, watching your hand play with him, teasing him with slow strokes. He closed his eyes, head falling back slightly as you unbuttoned his jeans and palmed him through his boxers, the fabric damp with pre cum.
āWe can still stop whenever you want, baby, okay?ā
Itās crazy how even in this state, his mind was racing, making sure you felt comfortable, making sure you knew you were safe with him and could stop this whenever you wanted.
āI donāt want to stop, Hyun. Lay back, itās okay, I promise.ā
He caressed your cheek, his touch lingering, then layed back just like you told him to. With one sudden move, you freed his erection, finally.
Beauty. Beauty and more beauty. Everything about him was pure art. A poem you wish you wrote. Thick, flushed at the tip, already leaking, it made your mouth water.
āYou⦠pretty,ā you murmured, voice breathy.
He smiled and brought his hands to his face, covering his eyes, visibly getting shy. Adorable, you thought, even as heat pulsed between your legs.
You started giving him a handjob, slow at first, your fist wrapping around him, feeling him squirm, shake, twitch in your hand. He was hot, velvet smooth over steel and every slide of your palm drew soft, needy sounds from him. Whimpers that made you clench around nothing. You were dripping looking at him, you had never felt this intense urge to jump on someone before, to take him fully, to feel him stretch you.
As you lowered your head to put him in your mouth, you stopped. A nasty flashback fogged your brain, the roughness, the force, the lack of choice. Panic flickered in your chest. He looked at you, and itās like he immediately understood what happened.
āHey, it's okay babyā he said gently, holding your head up, bringing you toward him to kiss your lips āWe donāt have to do everything tonight, and I definitely donāt want you to do anything that triggers you.ā
āBut I want to, I really do,ā you whispered, frustration mixing with the lingering fear.
āI know baby,ā he murmured, pulling you into his chest, his arms wrapping around you protectively. āBut you have to listen to your body. Weāll get there when it feels right. No rush."
Heās right. You wanted this, but your body wasnāt 100% there yet, and that was okay, he made sure you knew that, holding you until the panic faded, his heartbeat steady against yours.
āLay on your back,ā he said suddenly, his voice low and tender. āI want to take good care of my girl.ā
His girlā¦The words sent a warm flutter through you. You layed back and he looked at you for reassurance, his eyes asking one last time if this was okay. You nodded, smiling softly. He spread your legs wide settling between them, his breath warm against your inner thighs. He started with kisses, soft lingering presses along your skin, trailing higher, teasing the sensitive spots that made you gasp. His hands were gentle on your hips, holding you steady but never pinning you down.
āMy god, you are dripping,ā he murmured, voice husky with awe as he finally reached your core, his eyes darkening at the sight of you, wet, swollen, ready. āCan I have a taste?ā
You smiled and nodded, your body already arching toward him in anticipation. What happened right after was nothing less than what you imagined heaven felt like. He was so skilled, his tongue flat and broad at first, lapping slowly over your folds, savoring you with a low hum that vibrated through your core. He kissed your clit, sucking gently, then firmer, drawing out whimpers you couldnāt hold back. His fingers joined soon after, one slipping inside you, slow, curling just right to hit that spot that made stars burst behind your eyelids.
You caught yourself thinking about all the possible girls heād slept with, how inexperienced you were in comparison, how you couldnāt even pleasure him the way you wanted to. But the trail of those thoughts quickly went to shit when he started kissing your clit again and shoving his tongue inside you, in and out, deep and deliberate, mimicking what you both craved.
Your hands instinctively went to his hair, tangling in the soft strands, pushing his face closer to your core as the pleasure built, coiling tight in your belly. With a sudden move he was the one laying down flat now.
āGet on top of me and ride my face.ā
The words sent a fresh wave of heat through you, commanding but still sweet, still him. You werenāt used to hearing these words come out of his mouth. Obviously. This was all making you so so dizzy.
āIāve never done this before.ā
āYouāll feel so good baby, trust me.ā
Oh at how right he was.
You got on top of him and he guided you above his head as his lips part immediately and you could feel his breathing. His hands went to the backs of your thighs, fingers digging in, holding you there. You were embarrassed and you felt so exposed, and he probably noticed because he immediately said,
āThereās nothing I want more than for you to use my face as a pillow right nowā
You sat down, and immediately felt the wet heat of his tongue flatten against you. You started to move your hips in small, slow rocks. Forward so his nose presses against your clit, back so his tongue slides along your entrance. Every time you push forward his breathing gets blocked for a second and you hear the muffled sound he makes against you. When you lift just enough for him to get air, his mouth stays open, lips shiny, tongue still out like he doesnāt want to stop even for oxygen.
You look down. His face wet. Chin, cheeks, upper lip all slick from you. His eyes are half open, looking up at you through strands of your hair that keep falling forward. Heās breathing hard through his nose when he can, cheeks flushed dark red.
You settle more of your weight down once you get comfortable like this. It feels so good. Heās making you feel so good.
He hums once, soft, letting you feel the vibration. Then he speaks again, muffled against you. āTell me if itās too much.ā
āItās not,ā you whisper. āItās⦠good. Really goodā
His hands slide up to your ass and pull, urging you to sit heavier. You do. You grind in tighter circles now, keeping his head pinned between your thighs. The wet sounds get louder, sloppy. His tongue keeps moving under you, trying to push inside whenever you slide back, lapping flat and wide when you slide forward.
Your clit keeps catching on the bridge of his nose and thatās what starts building it fast. You brace both hands on the headboard and ride harder, short, quick rocks, then longer drags. His grip on your ass tightens, fingers pressing in deep enough to leave marks later. Heās making low, constant noises into you, the vibration hitting right where it counts.
You get more confident with every passing second and you lose yourself in that feeling.
āLook at me,ā you say quietly. Surpising him. Surpising yourself too.
He opens his eyes, finds yours through the fall of your hair. Theyāre dark, heavy lidded, but so fucking gentle even like this.
āYouāre so pretty when youāre messy,ā you tell him, voice shaky.
A low laugh rumbles out of him, muffled. āMake me messier thenā
Heat floods your face. and lower. You sink back down, slower this time, letting your folds spread over his tongue. He groans straight into you, the sound vibrating right where youāre most sensitive.
āFuck,ā you breathe. Your hands find the headboard again. You brace and rock a little harder. āKeep doing that with your tongue.ā
He does. Flat laps when you slide forward, curling just inside when you drag back. His hands slide up to your ass. not rough, just firm enough to help you settle more weight. You give it to him.
You grind in tighter circles now.
The wet sounds get louder, messier. Your clit catches on the bridge of his nose over and over and over again and it builds so fast.
āGonna cum Hyun,ā you warn, voice cracking.
āYeah,ā he rasps against you. āCum on my face baby. Let me have it. All of it.ā
That does it. Your thighs clamp around his ears and you grind down hard through the first sharp wave, then the next, hips jerking uneven while everything whites out. He keeps licking. Slow, sloppy, careful not to overdo it, until your legs are trembling and youāre gasping.
You stay sitting there after, not lifting yet. Your pussy is still twitching against his mouth in little aftershocks. His hands loosen but donāt let go completely, his thumbs stroke slow lines along the backs of your thighs.
You catch enough breath to speak.
āYouāre so good to me. What did I do to deserve youā
He exhales hard against you, eyes closing for a second like the words settle deep.
āOnly wanna be good to you.ā
He sits up slowly against the headboard, pulling you with him so you end up straddling his lap again. His cock is hard against your thigh, thick, hot, straining, but he doesnāt grind against you, doesnāt try to satisfy himself. His hands rest light on your hips, thumbs brushing small circles.
He kisses the side of your neck once, soft. Heās looking at you looking at him down there. āWhenever youāre ready,ā he murmurs. āOr if youāre not. We can just stay like this.ā
You feel him throb once under you while you touch him again, involuntary, but he stays perfectly still. His breathing is heavier than before, controlled, like heās working hard to keep himself in check. Youāve never had someone wait like this, never had someone let you decide every single step without a hint of impatience.
You lean back just enough to look at him. His eyes are dark, pupils blown, but soft. Patient.
āI want more,ā you say quietly. āI want.. you inside me.ā
His exhale is shaky. āYeah?ā
āYeah.ā You swallow.
You slide off his lap and turn onto your hands and knees on the mattress, back arched the way you remember, ass up, face down toward the sheets. Itās automatic.
Behind you he goes still.
You hear the mattress dip as he sits up straighter. No hands on you yet. No sound except his breathing, which has changed.
āBabyā¦ā His voice is low, careful. āIs this how you want it?ā
You nod into the pillow, not looking back. āYeah. This is fine.ā
A long silence. Then the mattress shifts again. He moves closer but slowly. One hand rests feather light on your lower back, not pressing but rather just there to get your attention.
āHey.ā Softer now. Almost sad. āLook at me. Please.ā
You hesitate, then turn your head enough to see him over your shoulder. His face is open, brows drawn together, eyes searching yours like heās trying to read something you havenāt said out loud.
āDo you actually like it like this?ā he asks. āOr is this just⦠what you think youāre supposed to do?ā
Your throat tightens. You drop your gaze to the sheets. āItās the only way Iāve ever done it.ā
He exhales through his nose, short and sharp. āWith.. him?ā
You nod.
Heās quiet. When he speaks again his voice is rough, edged with something dark, but he keeps it locked down. āThat fucker.ā
He doesnāt yell it. Doesnāt need to. The word lands heavy anyway.
Then his hand moves slow, deliberate, sliding up your spine until his palm cups the back of your neck. Not gripping. Just holding. Warm.
āSex isnāt supposed to be something you just endure. Itās not supposed to feel like youāre hiding. Or like youāre not even there. Youāre not an object to be used for pleasure. I want you to feel me looking at you. I want you to see my face when Iām inside you. I want to see your beautiful face when I make you feel good, when you make me feel good.. I.. I want you to know itās me.ā
Your could feel your eyes sting.
He leans down, presses a kiss between your shoulder blades, soft, lingering, then guides you gently with both hands until youāre lying flat on your back again. Pillows under your head. Sheets cool against your skin.
He settles between your thighs, not rushing. One forearm beside your head, the other hand cupping your cheek, thumb brushing the corner of your eye where a tear escaped without you noticing.
āLook at me,ā he whispers.
You do.
He reaches over your shoulder toward the nightstand, fingers fumbling in the half dark until he finds the drawer pull. He tugs it open and pulls out a condom as youāre watching him, propped on one elbow.
āYou always keep a stash ready?ā you ask, teasing him, trying to lighter the mood.
He visibly gets shy about it as he opens it and is about to put it on. āI mean⦠I just figured itās, like⦠responsible? You know?ā
How is he so fucking sexy yet so unbelievably adorable.
Your fingers brush his as heās about to put it on
āNoā
He lets out a breath he didnāt realize he was holding. Staring at you without saying anything.
āAre you really sure?ā
āYeahā
He swallows. āI justāā He laughs under his breath, the sound nervous, almost embarrassed. āI mean, Iāve never⦠not with anyone. Not like this. Not withoutāā
āIām on the pill, and i trust youā
He cups your cheek and put the condom away.
His eyes are steady, dark, full of something tender and fierce at the same time. He holds your gaze as he reaches between you, lines himself up. His head nudges your entrance, slow, careful, then presses in just enough for you to feel the stretch.
āBreatheā he murmurs.
You do. He sinks in another inch. Pauses. Another. Pauses. Letting your body open for him, letting you feel every careful slide. When heās fully seated he stops moving completely. Just stays there, buried deep, forehead resting against yours.
āYou feel that?ā he breathes. āThatās me. Right here. With you.ā
You nod, small and shaky. Your legs wrap around his waist on instinct, pulling him closer. He groans softly at the shift but doesnāt thrust yet.
āTell me when youāre ready,ā he says against your lips.
You take a second, just feeling him inside you, thick and warm and still. No urgency. No demand.
āNow,ā you whisper. āIām ready.ā
He starts moving then, slow, deep rolls of his hips. Long, deliberate strokes that drag against every sensitive place inside you. His eyes never leave yours. Every time you gasp or sigh he kisses it right off your mouth, soft, open mouthed, swallowing the sounds like they belong to him. The way your breasts go up and down from the movement is driving him crazy and he keeps staring there before switching back to looking deep in your eyes.
āFeels good?ā he asks between kisses.
āSo good babyā you breathe. Your hands slide up his back, nails grazing lightly. āDonāt stop.ā
He doesnāt. He keeps the rhythm steady, deep, letting you rock up to meet him whenever you want. One hand slips between your bodies, his fingers find your clit again, gentle circles matching the pace of his thrusts.
Your breath hitches. āRight there.ā
āYeah?ā He presses a little firmer, keeps the motion exact. āLike that?ā
His voice alone is driving you fucking insane.
āMhmm.ā Your legs tighten around him. āHarder⦠just a little.ā
He gives it to you, deeper thrusts now, still controlled, still watching your face for every flicker. His breathing turns ragged but he stays focused on you.
āGonna cum,ā you warn, for the third time tonight.
āMe too baby, cum for me,ā he murmurs. āLet me watch you.ā
You nod, fingers threading into his hair. āDonāt stop. Iām⦠Iām close again.ā
āFuck baby you feel so goodā
You rock up to meet him harder now, chasing it together. The wet sounds between you get louder, more desperate. His thumb presses firmer on your clit, small steady circles that match the deep grind of his hips.
āLook at me,ā he breathes. āStay with me.ā
You do. You hold his gaze even as the heat coils tighter in your belly, even as your thighs start to shake and your nails press crescent marks into his shoulders.
āIām gonnaāā Your voice cracks. āIām gonna cum.ā
āYeah,ā he rasps, forehead dropping to yours. āCum with me. Let go angel, let me feel you.ā
One more deep thrust, then another, and it hits you both at the same time.
Your whole body arches off the bed, a broken cry tearing out of your throat as the orgasm crashes through you in long, shuddering waves. You clench hard around him, pulsing, pulling him deeper, and thatās what tips him over.
He buries himself to the hilt with a low, guttural groan, hips jerking once, twice, then heās coming inside you, hot pulses that you feel everywhere. His whole frame trembles against yours, his breath saws in and out in ragged bursts as he rides it out, spilling deep while you flutter and grip around him.
For a long second neither of you moves. Just heavy breathing, sweat slick skin pressed together, hearts hammering against each other.
He stays inside you, softening slowly but doesnāt pull away. Instead he lowers himself carefully, weight on his forearms so he doesnāt crush you and presses his lips to your temple, your cheek, the corner of your mouth, soft, endless little kisses.
He kisses you properly then, slow, deep, lazy, like heās savoring every second of the afterglow. When he finally eases out he doesnāt go far. Just rolls to his side and pulls you into his chest, one arm wrapped securely around your waist, the other hand stroking slow lines up and down your spine.
The quiet doesnāt feel heavy.
You break it first.
āIāve only ever had sex with Jyhak.ā
He stills for only a second, thumb pausing mid circle but he keeps moving again, slow, soothing like heās telling you itās okay to keep talking.
You swallow. āIt always hurt. Every time. He never⦠he never really waited for me to be ready. Or wet enough. Or anything. Just⦠did it. My face down, I never came. Not once. Not even close. I used to just lie there and wait for it to be over. Pretend I was somewhere else.ā
His breathing changes again and you can feel the muscle in his jaw flex against the top of your head.
āI thought that was normal,ā you whisper. āThat sex was just⦠supposed to feel like that. Painfulā
He exhales hard through his nose, like the words physically hurt him.
You lift your head just enough to look at him. āTonight⦠with you⦠it didnāt feel like that. At all. It felt⦠good. Safe. Like my body actually wanted it. Like I was actually here.ā A small shaky laugh escaped you. āIt felt like my first time. My real first time.ā
His eyes are glassy now. Shiny in the low light. He blinks fast once, twice, trying to keep it together, but a tear slips free anyway, tracks down the side of his face and disappears there somewhere on his cheek.
āBabyā¦ā His voice cracks on the word. He cups your cheek with a trembling hand. āI hate him so fucking much for what he did to you. For making you think thatās what love feels like. For making you hurt like that.ā
He pulls you closer, forehead pressing to yours. His breath is uneven, warm against your lips.
āIām so sorry you went through that,ā he whispers. āIām so fucking sorry.ā
You shake your head. āItās not your fault.ā
āI know. I know. But I still wish I could go back andāā He cuts himself off, swallows hard. Then, quieter, almost like the words escape before he can stop them,
āI love you.ā
The room goes still.
You feel your heart racing.
He realizes what he said a second too late. His eyes widen and panic flashes through them.
āShit. Iām sorry. I didnātāI didnāt mean to say it like that. Or⦠fuck, maybe I did, but not right now, not when you justāā He starts to pull back, hand dropping from your face like heās scared heās crossed some invisible line. āIām sorry. I crossed a line. Forget Iāā
You catch his wrist before he can retreat fully. Hold it against your chest so he can feel how fast your heart is going.
āHey.ā
He freezes, eyes locked on yours, terrified heās ruined it.
You smile, small at first, then wider. The kind that makes your eyes crinkle.
āI love you, too.ā
The words come out soft but sure. No hesitation once they start.
His face crumples for a second, relief and disbelief and something brighter all at once. He pulls you into him hard. Arms wrapping around you like heās afraid youāll disappear if he lets go.
āFuck,ā he breathes into your hair. āYou mean that?ā
āYeah.ā You press your face into his neck, breathing him in. āI do. I love you.ā
He exhales like heās been holding the air in his lungs for years. Then he kisses the top of your head, your temple, your cheek.
āStay. Stay here for the nightā he says quietly. Not a question. Just a wish.
You squeeze his hand. āNowhere else Iād rather be.ā
He smiles then, he looks tired but so fucking happy.
āMe neither.ā
āāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāāā-
The morning light filters through the half open blinds in golden stripes across the room. Itās quiet except for the distant hum of traffic outside and the faint sound of the front door clicking shut somewhere down the hall.
Youāre curled against Hyunjinās chest, one of his arms slung heavy and warm over your waist, the other tucked under your head like a pillow. The sheets are pulled up to your shoulders and youāre both still naked underneath, skin warm where it touches. His breathing is slow and even against your hair, youāre not quite awake yet, just floating between sleep and consciousness.
The bedroom door creaks open without warning.
āYo, Hyunjin-ah, Iām backāā Changbinās voice cuts off mid sentence.
You feel Hyunjin jolt awake beneath you, muscles tensing instantly. Your eyes snap open just in time to see Changbin standing frozen in the doorway, one hand still on the knob, eyes wide like he just walked into the wrong apartment.
Absolute silence.
Changbinās gaze flicks from Hyunjinās sleep mussed hair to your face peeking over the edge of the sheet, to the obvious fact that neither of you is wearing anything under the covers. His brain visibly short circuits.
āOh. Shit.ā He slams the door shut so fast the frame rattles.
Hyunjin lets out a long, suffering groan and drops his face into your neck. āFuck my life.ā
You canāt help it, you start laughing. Quiet at first, then harder, shoulders shaking against his chest. He lifts his head just enough to glare at you, but thereās a reluctant smile tugging at his mouth.
āNot funny,ā he mutters, even as he pulls you closer.
āVery funny actuallyā you whisper back, still giggling.
Outside the door Changbinās voice comes through, muffled but loud enough to carry. āI saw nothing! I saw absolutely nothing!ā
You both linger in bed a little longer after Changbin leaves. Lazy kisses, quiet whispers, fingers tracing idle patterns on skin until the smell of coffee and something sizzling (bacon, maybe eggs) starts drifting under the door. Your stomach growls audibly.
Hyunjin laughs softly against your shoulder. āOkay, okay. Food first. Then more of this.ā
You nod, smiling, and he helps you sit up. He grabs a pair of his sweatpants from the floor and slips them on, then gives you one of his oversized hoodies, a boxer and slippers. It swallows you whole, sleeves dangling past your hands, hem hitting mid thigh. You donāt bother with anything else, feels safe, cozy, like wearing him.
He pulls you in for one more kiss before opening the door. āReady to face the menace?ā
āAs Iāll ever be.ā
The hallway is short. Kitchen light spills bright and warm at the end. Changbinās at the stove, spatula in hand and looking far too pleased with himself. The tableās set with mismatched plates, mugs steaming with coffee and a stack of slightly burnt toast in the middle.
He doesnāt even turn around at first, just keeps flipping eggs like nothing happened.
āMorning lovebirdsā he calls over his shoulder. āSleep well? Or⦠not sleep?ā
Hyunjin groans and drops his forehead to your shoulder for a second. āWeāre never living this down.ā
āNope!ā Changbin spins around, grinning wide enough to show teeth. He points the spatula at you both like a conductorās baton. āExhibit A: Hyunjin finally got laid. Exhibit B: y/n looks like sheās wearing his entire wardrobe. Exhibit C: You two smell like sex.
You feel your face heat up but youāre laughing too, embarrassed but happy. Hyunjin just sighs dramatically and steers you toward the table, pulling out a chair for you before dropping into the one beside it.
āEat your food and shut up Binā Hyunjin mutters, but thereās no bite to it. He reaches for the coffee pot and pours you a mug first, adding the exact amount of milk and sugar you like without even having to ask.
Changbin slides plates in front of you both, scrambled eggs, bacon, toast thatās more charcoal on the edges than golden. āI slaved over a hot stove for this. Youāre welcome.ā
Hyunjin pokes at his eggs with a fork. āThese look like they fought back.ā
āArtistic choice.ā Changbin says, plopping down across from you with his own plate. He takes one bite, then immediately leans forward on his elbows, eyes sparkling with mischief. āSo. Real talk. How was it? Scale of one to ten? Did he cry? Because he looks like the type to cry during sex.ā
Hyunjin chokes on his coffee. āChangbin!ā
āWhat? Iām curious! Youāve been pining for her since, like, forever. I need details for science.ā
You hide your smile behind your mug, cheeks burning. āHe was⦠really good.ā You say smiling. Youāre grown so comfortable with Changbin the past year, itās like heās your best friend, so you didnāt mind joking around with him.
Changbinās eyebrows shoot up. āOh? Details, please.ā
Hyunjin kicks him under the table. Hard enough that Changbin yelps and rubs his shin. āNot happening. Ever.ā
āFine, fine.ā Changbin holds up both hands in surrender but the grin doesnāt fade. āBut seriously, happy for you two. Like, genuinely. You look⦠lighter. Both of you.ā
The teasing drops for a second. His expression softens.
Hyunjin glances at you, then back at Changbin. āThanks man.ā
Changbin shrugs like itās nothing but you catch the quick genuine smile before he stuffs more toast in his mouth. āYeah, yeah. Donāt get sappy on me now. Eat before it gets cold. And Hyunjin donāt think I didnāt notice the hickeys on your neck. Amateur hour.ā
Hyunjinās hand flies to his throat. āWhere?ā
You lean over and kiss the spot in question, right in front of Changbin.
Changbin fake gags. āOkay, I take it back. Youāre both disgusting. Iām moving out.ā
Hyunjin snorts. āYouād miss me too muchā
āUnfortunately.ā Changbin stands, grabs his plate, and heads toward the sink. āIāll give you the apartment for the rest of the day. Go be gross somewhere else. Iāve got studio time anyway.ā
Then heās gone, leaving just the two of you at the table.
Hyunjin reaches over, laces his fingers through yours on top of the wood.
You squeeze back.
āCoffeeās good,ā you say quietly.
He smiles, eyes crinkling at the corners. āEverythingās good.ā
You lean over and kiss him slow, tasting coffee and him and the promise of more mornings like this.
Yeah. Everythingās good.
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star lost with you | hyunjin au | part 20
pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader
genre:Ā friends to lovers, so muchĀ angst,Ā smut, fluff, set in the idolverse,Ā mutual pining,Ā unrequited love, forbidden romance,Ā slowburnĀ (!!!) soulmate au,Ā star-crossed lovers
synopsis:Ā working in a quaint little art store, youāve had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but youāve never met somebody like him.Ā there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again. he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that heās always wanted to, but what he didnāt anticipate was meeting you. hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned.Ā
word count:Ā 33K
warnings:Ā mature content, angst, sexual tension, a lot of making out, kissing, mature language, explicit scenes, dirty talk, oral, a lot of fluff, cheesy in love stuff
a/n:Ā hi. itās been a long time. i didn't even realise how long, and to all the people who waited and still sent me texts: thank you. I can't believe there are people still interested in this story. life has been so insanely busy, in a good way, and i have had a lot of things going on, the kind of things i write about here, and time slipped away from me and im so sorry about the wait. even worked on a ridiculously cool project for fandoms and fanfiction (can u believe it?) at my job, which was crazy. i missed hyunyn and started writing this again sometime last year and finally got myself back into their love story. ive been out of kpop for long but i couldn't stop thinking about them this whole time, and i had to come back to do the rest of their story. they mean a lot to me and it seems like hyunjin's doing amazing things. he's forever inspiring to me. i hope you enjoy this chapter. and I hope you reread the story so it brings you back into this world. thank you for still being here, and being so patient. i promise the next wait won't be so long. and i hope the wait was still somehow worth it! you can listen to my star lost playlistĀ here!
important:Ā all works are fiction, and do not in any way represent the real personalities or real people, they exist only as faceclaims, and are fictional characters.
masterlist
You were so lucky.Ā
You must have used up all of the luck in the world. Every birthday wish over the pink candles your friends would get you, each penny in the Daejon wishing well that you swore you didn't believe in, every 11:11 had come together to give you this.Ā
It was just past three am and Hyunjin had texted you, "Come downstairs."
No explanation. Nothing else. Hyunjin, usually a man of many words, was uncharacteristically cryptic. But youā¦you were a lovesick idiot, so you obeyed anyway. Leather jacket half-zipped, hands still stained from paint from earlier, you all but ran down the six flights of stairs.
Under your apartment, his car was parked. The engine idled in the snow, his hoodie pulled low over his head. He was a mere dark shadow, leaning against the passenger door, hands casually tucked into his jeans.
The street lights barely illuminated the sidewalk, but you could still make out the smile that formed on his face when he saw you.
He looked impossibly good for this hour. A red scarf curled around his neck, a black hoodie clinging to him, thin silver glasses on. He dressed like he came straight from the runway, even though he was just in the streets of your very simple Ikseon-dong neighbourhood.
Yeah. Nothing good ever started with a text at three in the morning, except maybe this.
Just to be careful, you looked around for wandering cars or people - for stragglers coming home late from the bar, or snoopy neighbors taking out the trash. It would quickly become a habit - to keep this a secret, it was necessary. You could never be too careful after all. To your relief, the street was empty except for him. It was safe.Ā
He opened the passenger door for you, a quiet laugh slipping out when you nearly tripped on the curb in your rush. Maybe it was the sudden cold clouding your senses, or the excitement of seeing him at this unexpected hour. It was just his car, but your stomach jumped and dropped like you were on a rollercoaster.Ā
It felt forbidden. It thrilled you.Ā
"Hey." Your voice was quiet as a whisper, as if you were still hiding, while you settled into your seat. You were thankful he'd left the heat on, and you glanced around the unfamiliar car. "This isn't your car."
He got in, a surprised look on his face as if he didn't expect you to catch onto that so quickly, "It's not."
"Please don't tell me you stole it."
"If I did, would you get out right now and go back to bed?" He asked, an eyebrow raised. A smug look was painted on his face, like he knew that you wouldn't care. He was teasing you, at this ungodly hour. Confidence looked good on him. You shrugged, nonchalant as you leaned back into your seat, eyes intense on his, "No, I would totally become your accomplice. I'd just⦠like a heads up."
Hyunjin laughed, eyes crinkling, "Knew I could trust you." He turned the knob on the radio, turning it down, "I rented it, actually. Under an alias. Didn't wanna risk showing up in my own car."
Right⦠Of course there were people out there who would recognize his fucking car, of all things. Nothing about his life was private. Which is probably why you were meeting him in the dead of night when most of the city was asleep. Your eyebrows shot up, "They let you rent a car under a fake name?"
"Yup. Done it before. Usually our managers figure that out for us to keep our schedules private. I found loopholes," he stated. So, he was really breaking the law to be here. It was kind of insane and romantic. You wondered if his managers knew that this is what he was doing with the liberty they gave him. Taking you on a joyride at 3 a.m., when the city was under a cover of cloud and snow. He reversed out of your street, hand behind your headrest, glancing at you, "Did I wake you?"
This felt dramatic. It felt like you were sneaking away to meet your high school boyfriend that your parents would never approve of. You'd never had that experience, so maybe this was making up for it. "Noā¦I was just on my phone, watching videos. I went down a rabbit hole. You know how that is.ā You said. He smiled, "What kind of videos?"
"Just fun stuff to do in the city." You admitted, running a finger over your chin, "I think I need to go out more, I've been sulking in my apartment for too long. Ugh, I need some inspiration. Where does one go to be inspired in this city?"
"I mean, your apartment's great.ā He said. You shook your head, laughing, "It's really notā¦.I want to do something crazy. Something I've never done in Daejon. Anything that kickstarts this creative block."
"Well, they make drugs for that."
You squint at him, "Funny. I saw a record store in Hongdae. I want to go there."
"Do you own a record player?ā Hyunjin glanced your way. You stretched in the passenger seat, extending your arms in front of you, "No but hey, I could. I could be that girl."
He laughed, "Yeah. You can totally be that girl. You're already an artist living in Seoul, think you're halfway there."
"You're so right.ā You giggled. He stopped at the light, glancing over at you, "I forgot something."
"What?" Your eyes narrowed and before you could question him further, he took you by surprise, leaning over in an instance to press his mouth to yours.Ā
Your stomach jumped as you returned his kiss, tilting your head to meet him halfway. It hadn't been so long since the last time you kissed him, but every second apart had felt like eternity. Every time you did this felt like the first time. Electric. New. Scary good. Your hand came to rest on his thigh, squeezing his leg.Ā
You were glad the windows were tinted, so he could do this. You were glad you were at a redlight so you couldn't take this further than you wanted to. If there were strings within your body, they were always pulling you to him. Reluctantly, he pulled back a breath, eyes hooded, "You taste like tiramisu."
You bit your lip. "I had some for dessert."Ā
The light changed to green, and he pulled back completely, foot on the gas pedal. You looked out the window, a smile forming that made your cheeks hurt. Light snow scattered across the city, settling on the windshield, settling into the crevices of the windowpane. It was so calm out there, and you glanced at the boy in the drivers seat. Hyunjin had his glasses on ā the ones he only put on when he was driving. You didn't know that he needed them, as much as you needed them on him. He licked his lips, as if still cherishing your taste. Even now, as his face rested, he looked deep in thought. It suit him so well. Gnawing on his bottom lip, he navigated through the late-night traffic. He was driving fast, street lights bouncing off the windshield, colors scattering over his skin. You wish you had a camera so you could ā
āYouāre staring,ā he broke the quiet and your chain of thoughts. He didnāt need to look at you, he could feel your gaze burning into him, the air humming with your want and unspoken desire. Just a week ago, youād have been embarrassed to be caught, but now you met his eyes, "Yeah. I am,"Ā
It felt unreal, him being here with you. Less than forty-eight hours had passed since Kairi's dinner party, yet the planet seemed to have spun on a new axis since then.
After all these months pining after him, wishing to be near him, you finally were. You didn't know how to comprehend all these new feelings. It felt like your heart had grown in his presence, stretching to accommodate this flood of emotions. He looked at you at those words, almost surprised by your newfound boldness, "You haven't even asked me where I'm taking you. I fear you're still half-asleep."
"I'm just thinking." You countered, eyes flicking between him and the blur of the city through the glass. "And obviously, I trust you. Surprises can be good for inspiration. Gets my brain thinking."Ā His glance cut toward you. āWhat are you thinking about?ā
Outside, groups of friends were walking home from bars, bottles in their hands. Even in the cold, the city nightlife thrived. Warmth coiled in your chest and you held onto it ā this unfamiliar comfort of being beside him. āJust⦠happy I stayed. Happy I went to Kairiās dinner.ā
Because what if you hadnāt? What if youād caught that train to Daejon instead? What if Hyunjin hadn't come to your doorstep and convinced you to stay? What if you'd never had that conversation in Kairi's house?
His words from that night came back to you:
Iām saying that if we really do this, thereās going to be a lot of discretion. Itās probably going to be difficult and frustrating as fuck, and weāre both going to have to be really careful. Is that really okay with you?
»»āāāā- 48 hours ago.
He was still wiping lipstick stains off his jaw. You watched him from where you sat, on the marble counter. Your dress was soaked from the wine still, but you didn't feel it anymore. To give your attention to anything but him right now would be a sin. His sweater was untucked from his jeans, belt buckle hanging loose. You liked seeing him like that. Disheveled. He was always so perfect, it was nice that he was only a mess because of you.
If you and him were to be together, it could only be a thing of secrecy. You were still reeling from the high of kissing him but this was a conversation you needed to have.Ā
"So what does this mean?" You had asked. He'd been out of your life for so long, it was weird to imagine what could be normal now. He glanced at you, a curious look on his face, "You mean for us?"
"Yeah. What does this mean for usā¦going forward?" You hated how it sounded so sterile. You continued, āI missed what we were in Daejon. I missed how we were. Does this mean we can go back to that? Can itā¦can it still be like that?"
His expression softened, and it was as if you could watch your memories replaying in his eyes, a film reel of you and him in your little hometown, āThat doesnāt have to change. We can still be like that."
A wild rush surged through your veins, and your heart felt unstable. This was everything you wanted, everything youād been denying yourself until now. What would it even mean to be Hyunjinās girl? Did it mean you could see him anytime that you wanted? Without making up a stupid excuse, but just because. After all this time, you could stop doubting if he wanted you the same way. You finally knew he did.
You thought hard, picking the right words to say, trying not to give yourself away. You had so many questions, "We have to keep this a secret. Does that mean we're not telling the othersā¦your friends?"
You shouldn't be trying to find logic in this new relationship. You should fuck logic and just enjoy this, but you needed to make sure you were both on the same page. It seemed like he didn't have the answer to that. You'd caught him off guard. He paused, hands resting on the sink, "Maybe. I⦠don't know."
"But I don't want you to have to lie to your friends because of me." You wanted to slap yourself for coming up with problems right after finally getting what you wanted.
Hyunjin took a breath, then stepped closer to you, hands resting on your thighs, āIt sounds bad but if we do this, weāre going to have to lie. To everyone. To a lot of people we care about, at least for a whileā¦while we figure this out. I know they'll be supportive, Chan and the boys, butā¦they're going to worry. They think of me as some⦠emotional, sensitiveboy who thinks with his heart, not his head and they will worry. I don't want their stress to rub off on me. Not yet. Not when I finally have you the way I want."
But you are a sensitive and emotional boy who thinks with his heart. You bit your words back. It was a happy moment but having him hide it from the people closest to him made it seem like it wasn't. It's like he could read your mind, or at least he was trying to. His hand held up your chin, so you could look him in the eyes, "Hey. Don't worry about it. It's⦠not a bad thing, it's just how my world works. It's ridiculous sometimes. We'll tell them. In time."
"Right." Guilt bridled your tone as you looked into his eyes. You didn't want to come between him and years of friendships. But you were already taking a huge plunge and risking his entire career just because of your feelings for him. What was one more thing to that?
Hyunjin's voice softened, "Is it that bad to want you just to myself for a little while?"
You could tell he was trying to lighten your mood. It worked. A small smile crept up your face as you said, "No. I want you to be my little secret too. It'sā¦kind of hot."
"Is it?" He laughed, eyes crinkling in the way that you so loved.
"Mmh. Like it's forbiddenā¦the stakes feel so high." It made your feelings for him tenfold more intense ā he was yours and nobody could know that. Nobody deserved to have that part of him. You'd never felt territorial before in your life but this was probably the beginnings of it. Hyunjin's gaze dropped, his hands settling on your hips, "You're right. The stakes are high."
"And I happen to be a great liar, so this should be a real piece of cake." You smiled. He laughed, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear, "Do you still have that phone I gave you?ā
A few weeks ago ā on the night he convinced you to stay in Seoul ā he'd given you a burner phone, so you could communicate only to him. You nodded, "I still donāt understand why I need a decoy phone. Iām not famous. Shouldnāt just you having one be enough?ā
He answered as if he expected your question, āI donāt want anything to be traced back to your real number. Thereās a lot of crazy, messed-up people in the world.ā
The thought was scary, that someone out there would deliberately want to track you down . āRight⦠Is there anything else I should be careful about?ā
He took a moment to think about it. There was a magnitude of things you couldnāt do and very, very few that you could.
You could only text him on his decoy number.
You couldn't follow him on any social media.
You couldnāt really go out in public together.
You definitely couldnāt go to his and the boys' apartment. It was public knowledge where they lived; it would be too risky to be even seen in the neighborhood. Their managers lived across from their apartment and watched them closely. That shocked you. They were grown adults who didnāt need constant supervision. It just seemed like one of the many things youād have to get used to, being part of his life.
āAndā¦I definitely canāt be seen with your lipstick prints all over my face.ā He had added. You narrowed your eyes, tugging him closer by the collar of his sweater, "Not your face. So only the parts of you that won't be seen by the public."
Your hands drifted up his sweater, tracing the shape of his chest and feeling his heartbeat quicken beneath your touch. He laughed, clearly affected by your gesture. Your fingers hovered over his ribcage, and you asked, "How about here?"
He smiled like this didn't bother him, but his eyes betrayed him, a carnal desire swirling through them. "As much as I would want thatā¦It'll get us into trouble."
You dropped your hands from his skin, āWellā¦I wonāt let you get into any trouble. Not because of me. Never ever.ā
He smiled, eyes crinkling at your earnest admission, "I know you won't."
"Are you scared?" The question escaped before you could stop it. You flinched, feeling like youād cracked open something raw and dangerous. Each worry felt like opening Pandora's box, like this would be it. This would be the thing that'd make him change his mind.
An eyebrow shot up, "Scared?"
"That this could ruin everything? That I could?" You asked, wishing you could bite your tongue. It was stupid to say this. Did you want to push him away?
His eyes searched yours, matching the vulnerability on your face, and his voice was soft as a whisper, "I would say⦠you're just about the only person in the world I trust with my life."
His words went straight to your heart, embedding them deep like a promise. He was trusting you, with everything, with his life that he'd built up over years and years of hardship and training.
You could never betray that trust. You'd protect him and your big little secret with everything you had. Even if it was hard, and even if it could possibly hurt you. You'd do that before you let anything affect him. You'd get hurt a million times before letting it ruin his life.
"Thank you. For trusting me."Ā
His eyes roamed your wine-soaked dress. He tilt his head, "You wanna change out of that now?"
Right. The drink you'd spilled as a stupid ploy to get him to follow you in here, to get him alone. It was stupid but it had clearly worked. āI should.ā
He reached for you, hand on your waist to help you off the countertop. Your stomach turned at the simplicity and kindness of his gesture. You'd missed how this felt. He pulled you away from the bathroom into Kairiās room across the hall. You'd already forgotten about the group of friends downstairs waiting for you to return. You searched through her closet for something simple to wear. A soft, fuzzy, blue sweater stood out. You unzipped your dress, careful not to make too much noise, your ears burning at the thought that Hyunjin might be watching.Ā
Subtly, you glanced over your shoulder to check if he was looking at you, curious about his reaction. He wasn't watching you change; instead he stood by the door like he wanted to give you privacy. The room was dark, and he was only illuminated by the hallway light. His arms were crossed as he waited, leaning against the doorframe, eyes unfocused as if deep in thought.
There was a sudden quietness to the two of you now. A calm that only came with getting what you wanted. When you finally had what you'd fought for all this time, what did you have left to do?Ā
You pulled the sweater over your head, and slipped on a pair of Kairi's baggy pants. It didn't match with your dolled up hair and your kitten heels. āSo⦠do you like my fit?ā You stepped close to him, revealing your outfit in the dim light. He looked at you, gaze raking over you, smiling, "Very much."
He then took a step to you, voice low, āIām really happy you came tonight.ā That was right. If you hadnāt made the last-minute decision to come, none of this would have happened. You smiled honestly, āMe too.ā
Even in heels, you had to stretch up to kiss him. It was so nice⦠to just kiss him like this without pretending. It still felt far out but you had to remind yourself ā this whole game of charade you'd been playing was over now. He pressed his mouth to yours, tender, hand grazing the small of your back, mumbling, āWe should get back before they think something's happened to us.ā
You didn't have the heart to tell him that they probably thought you were up here fucking. After, you had slipped out back to Kairiās living room. All of his friends lay in wait for you ā Chan, Jisung, Changbin and Kairi gathered around the coffee table. The television was on in the back, a muted news channel talking about the sudden snowstorm that hit Seoul. āThere you two are.ā Kairi had exclaimed, eyes drifting to the sweater you had on, "We were wondering if you were ever coming back."
"Sorry." You apologized, settling back on the couch as Hyunjin went over to Jisung. They talked in loud whispers, and you tried to focus on what Chan was saying to you but it was hard. Nobody else knew about the conversation youād had with Hyunjin, the decision youād made to explore this ā to finally give each other a chance, all strings attached.
You think it was obvious on your face what had just occurred. Something electric had rewired your very core.
When you were thirteen, your friends would obsess over comic books, and you always thought it was funny how the main character was always hit with something - a spider, radiation, a freak accident - so they could become a superhero. That's kind of how you felt right now, like your very own DNA was rearranging itself.Ā
Your body felt reinvented, as if your cells shifted to accommodate the truth that Hyunjin was now yours.
Maybe that was an extraordinarily crazy way of looking at it, but nothing about you and him had ever been ordinary.Ā
»»āāāā- now.
You still felt like that now, forty-eight hours later, sitting in the passenger seat of Hyunjin's car. Liquid fire in your veins from sitting so close to him. He had been quietly humming along to his playlist. Casually perfect, casually yours.Ā
You watched him so intently, wanting to memorize the way this moment felt. You didn't notice you'd arrived to your destination. He eased the car into a nearly empty parking lot, headlights dimming. "We're here."
The neighborhood was usual, a blend of clubs and apartments. Bars and pubs lined the streets, playing loud music to drunk crowds. But of course, you weren't going into the bars, there were far too many people there who could recognize him.
You followed him into the cold night, zipping your jacket up to the top as he pushed open an unassuming door on the street. Up a narrow stairwell that smelled of wood and dust. You didn't expect the climb and you quietly followed him to the top floor. A neon sign read 'Emergency Exit' above the door. He took in a breath, pushing it open. A gust of wind blew over you, and you realized he had led you to a rooftop.
Tentatively, you stepped out. The rooftop overlooked the city of Seoul. The view was insane. "Whoaā¦" You puffed your breath, a cloud of cold air escaping, stepping forward onto the gravel. "This isā¦ridiculous."
You were looking out at an expanse of skyscrapers, lights, highways in the distance with lights threading in red and yellow traffic. Before you could even take in the view, Hyunjin grabbed your arm, pulling you towards him. You laughed, "What are you doiā" But then he was kissing you.Ā
You obliged him, arms coming up around his neck, meeting his mouth in the middle.Ā
He kissed you like he hadn't in forever, hands holding your body, fingers digging into the leather of your jacket. He was urgent, frantic, like he'd been waiting to do this. Like everything he'd been holding in this entire time had exploded into this desire right now.Ā
You had so much to ask him, so much to talk to him about, but you let yourself get lost in the moment. This is what it meant to date Hyunjin. His hands sank into your hair, tugging at your roots. It triggered a moan, your mouth falling open. You couldn't help it, a giggle escaped you at this sudden passion. This all felt very teenage. Hyunjin pulled back, eyes narrowed in confusion. You adjusted your jacket and it was all bunched up from where he was gripping it, "Sorry. Iā¦Did you just bring me up here to make out? Not that I mindā¦"Ā
He shook his head, eyes narrowed, cheeks red, "Noā¦I wanted to see you." He cleared his throat, "Wanted to talk to you."
"Mmh." You smiled, stepping back, "That was some great talking." You didn't want to get all hot and bothered, not here, not like this. You looked around, trying to not focus on how good it felt to kiss him, observing the single clothesline that hung across, and discarded cigarette butts that lay on the gravel. There was a fresh one, and you crushed it with your boot, "Are we even allowed to be up here?"Ā
"One of my friends lives in the building. He's brought me up here before."Ā
"What friend?"
Hyunjin rest his head against the door, eyes glazing over your form, like he was still disappointed you'd pulled away, "Just another trainee from Pegasus."
āDoes he know we're up here?" You crossed your arms to warm yourself. Hyunjin's eyebrow shot up, intimidatingly hot, "Does it matter?"
Your eyes widened, "I didn't know you were such a rebel. Trespassing onto rooftops, renting Ford mustangs under fake namesā¦"
He had a boyish grin on his face, like he felt proud of the fact, "You'd be surprised what I'm willing to do."
He walked over to the edge, joining you, snow crunching beneath his feet. So easily, he then stepped up onto the parapet. Your heart skipped a beat at his nonchalance. He looked back at you over his shoulder, "Don't worry. There's a ledge right under.ā He sat down like it was the most natural thing in the world, legs hanging off the edge, "Come here."
You looked over the edge. It wasn't too far a drop, the ledge safely jutted out underneath, almost like it was made for lovers to rendezvous in the night. Your gut twisted, but you swung your legs over, joining him. He steadied you with one hand on your back, the other gripping you firmly until you settled beside him. "Carefulā¦" He murmured, arm brushing yours as you shifted closer.
"Phew." You puffed your cheeks, trying not to look down, "Didn't know you'd be getting me out of bed for a near-death experience."
"I would never let anything happen to you."
"Do you come up here a lot?" You tried to focus on the view of the city ā it was gorgeous. The recent snowstorm had left everything in a cover of white, like you'd dropped white paint all over a fresh canvas.
"I used to come up here a lot when I moved back from Daejon. It was a nice place, to think, to watch the leaves change in the fall. It wasn't as cold either." He answered.
"What trees?" You joked, hands digging into your jacket pockets, looking out at all the steel and concrete that dominated the Seoul skyline. He smiled at the jab, and then looked at you, frowning, āYouāre shivering.āĀ
āNo, Iām fine.āĀ
Without a word, Hyunjin untangled his red scarf from his neck, holding it to you. You started to protest, but he was already draping the red wool around your neck, fingers tucking it gently under your chin. You snuggled deeper into the scarfās warmth, mumbling, āIf Iād known you were dragging me up here, Iād have worn something warmer. Now you're gonna be cold instead of me. How's that a fair trade off?"
"And maybe I'd prefer to freeze to death before letting you shiver."
You looked at him, eyebrows shot up, "You're so romantic."
He chuckled, "I'm sorry it had to be this late. Just had a crazy day and I really wanted to see you. I couldn't think of anywhere else we could go and⦠once I remembered this place, I had to text you. I'm very bad at holding back on my urges."
"Oh, are you?" You teased, swaying your legs in the wind. His mouth quirked. āIf Iād gone home and gone to bed, Iād have regretted not texting you.āĀ
"You love getting what you want."
He let out a soft sigh. āWell, Changbin says he admires that about me.āĀ
"Of course Changbin would.ā You mumbled. Hyunjin laughed, "What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means they've spoiled you. I don't blame them. Saying no to you would kind of be impossible." You said, and your laughter betrayed you. He scrunched his nose, reaching for your hands suddenly as if to change the topic, "What even is that? Charcoal?"
āYeah. I was sketching earlier. Trying a new medium.ā You admitted. His fingers on your wrist turned your hand up; his thumb brushed along the lines of your palm. āYou have soft hands.ā
Your heart skipped a beat at the sudden observation, "Thanks."
"How are you?" He then looked up to you, eyes sincere. That came out of nowhere. You blinked, meeting his gaze, "How am I?"
He didn't let go of your hand, and you think maybe he just needed an excuse to hold it.Ā
"You've had a rough couple of weeks." He sounded guilty, but he was not.
"That's not on you."
"I guess." Slowly, he intertwined his fingers with yours. It sent different kind of shivers down your spine. His palm was softer than you could ever imagine yours being.
"Kim Jieong's the assholeā¦you couldn't have known that.ā You said. His gaze searched yours, "But I wasn't exactly the best to you, I cut you off ā"
"You don't have to explain yourself to me again, Hyunjin. Iā¦get it." You squeezed his hand, "And as to your question, I'm much better. I think I needed to give myself some time to process what happenedā¦and move on. I think I could be meant for cooler things than Kim fucking Jieong. Like I've been thinking⦠I would love to work at a place like The Chateau was back homeā¦to help people, just bond over art. I don't really wanna compete to prove myself. I don't think I'm cut out for it. It's harsh even to make it as an artist and it just doesn't make sense to fight others for it."
A relieved smile broke across his face, as if a weight had lifted off his shoulders after hearing your words, "I think you'd be pretty great at something like that."
You brushed your thumb against his hand, "And what about you?"
He looked at you, tilting his head, "Did I tell you I'm a Hermes ambassador now? Crazyā¦They're sending me to Copenhagen for that."Ā
"What? That'sā¦amazing. When?" Turning to face him, you crossed your legs on the little ledge. He said that so casually.
"The winter fashion week. They want me to sit in the front row." He laughed, nervous, "I don't know why. I'm not an expert on fashion. I'm kind of nervous."
"That sounds really fucking cool. Is it your first time there?ā
He nodded. āAnd my first solo appearance overseas. My manager says itās good for publicity. I like their style, so⦠maybe Iāll enjoy it. Who knows? That's in a few weeks, so there's been a lot of preparation around that.ā
"Why are you nervous?" You whispered. He shrugged, drawing little circles on your hand, "I'm representing the group at the event. It just feels like a lot. I'll have to make small talk with everyone. I'm supposed to be 'networking' I'm kind of dreading that. And I also don't enjoy the long travel daysā¦"
"How long is that flight, like 10 hours?"
"A little over, yeah."
"That sounds tiring."
He thought about it, "It can get tiring yeah, butā¦I also am excited to see the city. I've heard a lot about their architecture and I'm excited to photograph the streets, to try new food, I tell myself it'll be worth all the jet lag. I think one day when I'm too old for this job, I'll move to a countryside near there and just paint all day.ā
You smiled at his words, "I could totally see you as a recluse."Ā
"Right? Andā¦nobody would know me." He then looked at you, "We could be just about anybody. Go anywhere."
"Wow. That sounds tempting. I wouldn't mind doing that." You added. It felt crazy to talk about your and Hyunjin's future together so normally, like in twenty years you could both do that. For the first time, it felt tangible. You could see your life with him flash before your eyes. Perhaps you were getting too ahead of yourself.
"Really?" He tilt his head, "I see you as someone who'd travel the world when she gets the chance, not settle down in some nowhere town."
You laughed, "You're right. There are so many places I want to see before Iā¦become a hermit like you." He smiled at that. You continued, "I could imagine it changing my perspective. Sometimes, I think my world is so small. It opened up a bit more when I moved here, but I know there's so much more to see and fall in love with. Especially when all my favorite artists are from there."
Hyunjin was listening to you carefully, lips twitching into a smile, "Have you ever flown out of the country?āĀ
āJust once. With my family, like ten years ago. There was a wedding in Sydney. I donāt remember much though.ā
"Did you like it?"
"I'm sure I didā¦I still have all the souvenirs and bus tickets at home, but yeah, those dreams are all for later. Maybe in ten years I can gift myself a birthday trip to a place like that. For nowā¦" You looked out at the view that you had grown to love, "For now, Seoul will do."
āI mean, it's nice to be able to travel for work, but most of the time we donāt even see the cities. Weāre just⦠rushed from one schedule to the next. I guess I should take it more as a blessing and not complain so much.ā
You laughed, "And how are the boys doing?"
He sighed, shoulders sinking, "Overworked. Working on our next album. The company wants us to do a pop album, but it's so different from our current soundā¦so it's kind of hard to try that out while still trying to be authentic to ourselves."
"The company gets to decide that?"
"Yup. Since they're paying for it. Right now, literally everybody else in the industry is doing pop. I guess it's our turn." He said. You frowned, "Isn't that more reason not to do it?"
Hyunjin scoffed, "You would think. The company executives work in mysterious ways that us humans could never understand."
"Right. Us mortals aren't privy to the way the big corporations' brains work."
He laughed but you could feel the passion in his voice, "They think if we do a pop album, it proves to the investors that we're worth spending all their money on. It's a lot of pressure for Chanā¦"
"I can imagineā¦"
He took a breath, and continued, "And I want to help him. But of course I have to go sit front row in a fashion show. I don't even know much about fashion! Surely they could have picked someone else. I'm only there because the label has money to send meā¦and I guess cause I have the most⦠followers." He said the last part quieter, like he was embarrassed, "That kinda shit matters to them a lot. We have so many obligations now. I guess I just feel like a sellout. I'm sorry, scratch that. I didn't bring you up here to rant."
āHyunā¦ā You reached out to his arm, stroking it, āDonāt be sorry. Thank you for telling me that. You could talk to me about anything, you know that.ā
He glanced at you, lips twitching into a smile, "I know. But I don't want to talk to you about just my problems."
"Well. I don't know much about the industry, but I know that they'll love you at the fashion show, and I know that if you do end up having to make a pop album, it'll probably be the greatest of our century."
He looked adorable, a shy expression, and it was much nicer to see that then the furrows in his brows or the frown in his smile. You leaned over, to press a sweet kiss to his cheek, "You're incredible."
Hyunjin's cheeks flushed. You pulled back, just a bit, eyes hovering over his. He stared back at you in silence, intense gaze and then whispered, "I can't believe you're here."
He leaned forward to kiss you. His hand landed on your thigh, the other on your chin. He tilt your head to match his pace and the rooftop was dead quiet except for the sounds of you kissing. Heat coursed through your veins, and your heart beat faster with every kiss. This was the stuff dreams were made of. The kind of love people wished on shooting stars for. You wish you could pinch yourself to remind yourself that this was real, not a dream. Each moment with Hyunjin, you'd be pinching yourself every day for the rest of your life.
He pulled back to breathe, "With all this stuff the company makes us doā¦that's why you're so important to me. I give up so much for this life andā¦"
You stilled, curious to hear what was next.
"I look at you and I'm like, finally. Finally I'm doing something for myself."
Your eyes widened. You were his one thing. The words made your heart swell, and you smiled so big your cheeks hurt. It was crazy to believe you meant so much to him. You observed his face, the sincereness in it, the beauty behind it. It was unfathomable how you'd found someone like him in your simple, little life. Pinch.
"And hey, maybe if we do get big enough internationally, we could have more say in things and more control." He added. You nodded, still feeling drunk off his kiss, your words overlapping with his as you added, "And you will be so big, and so successful, and they will be so proud of you. I already am."
"I guess the only downside to that is I wouldn't be able to hide anywhere."
Your hands settled at the nape of his neck, playing with his hair. Like habit, he relaxed into it as you said, "The world is so big. I'm sure you'd find a town where they don't care about boyband music at all and you can still live your dream life."
He laughed, eyes flickering to yours, "Thank you for humoring me."
"Always." You smiled at him. Always, as in forever. Could he feel that through your words, through your gaze, through your eyes? You meant it.Ā
You shifted closer to him, dropping your head on his shoulder, watching the snowflakes drift down. He had chosen you for himself. It was a crazy thought. If only your teenage self could see you right now. She would have had less days chasing after boys who didn't want her, and wondering when she'd be with the one who truly cared for her. Or maybe all of that had to happen for you to appreciate the sanctity of this moment. Character development.
You sat silent for a while.Ā
Faint music was playing from the bars downstairs. English songs from the 80s. It was a nice vibe. It was exactly Hyunjin's vibe. "I love this song." He noticed. A romantic song was playing. With or Without You by U2.
You smiled, "It's nice." Hyunjin started mumbling the words, singing along under his breath. His voice was soft and breathy. His accent was restrained, subtle. The song got louder, as if the bars knew you and him were listening to it, like they were only playing this for the two of you. He suddenly started to stand up, back from the ledge. You looked at him in confusion, "What are you doing?"
"Come on. I love this song." He repeated, extending his hand to you. Tentatively, you grabbed his hand to step back onto the roof. The snow crunched under your feet. It had started piling up more and more. Hyunjin pulled you close, one hand slipping around your waist. You giggled at the realization, "We're dancing�"
"That's a word for it." He smiled, dimples in his cheek, slowly swaying you around.Ā
It was silly. You were both bundled up in winter coats. At first, you couldn't help but be self aware, smiling at the thought of it all. He was more reserved, watching you, focused on the music. The snowfall was slow, and your cheeks were both red from the cold.
The song played in tandem with your footsteps. Your heart beat in tandem with his. Silly. No one else on the planet you'd do this with.Ā
Hyunjin knew the words and mumbled them under his breath every so often, but mostly he just looked right at you. You looked at him too, at the way his eyelashes rested on his cheeks when he blinked, the way the city lights reflected off his cheekbones. He was beautiful in every moment.Ā
The song grew louder, music ramping up and you hadn't heard this song in a million years but now you could feel it in your body, it was playing over this moment like you were in a movie. His eyes were half-lidded, a lazy but content smile on his face. "This is nice." He spoke, eyes drifting to your lips.Ā
Slowly, he bent down, mouth meeting yours perfectly with the beat. It's like he timed the kiss to perfection too, just as the music built into the bridge. You stilled, eyes shutting as he kissed you so tenderly, holding you so close to him.
"Your lips are so cold." He whispered, moving an inch away to breathe and before you could respond, he had closed the gap between your mouths again. You tilt your head up to accommodate him. Your hands were shaking from the cold so you brought them up to his chest, bunching his coat in your fists, holding him. You'd forgotten your gloves at home, but Hyunjin was hot enough. He paused for another second, looking deep into your eyes, "Warm enough?"
Your head was full of the music. It penetrated your brain, and you shook your head no. His lips curled into a smile, and he grabbed your chin, pulling you up to kiss him again, harder. You were on your toes now. He was so tall. Your heart pound so loud in your ears. He asked again, edging you, "How about now? Warmer?"
Lost for words, you shook your head again. He grabbed your face, kissing you for a third time, longer, more passionate, more intense. His tongue was in your mouth. Yours in his.Ā
And now in the harsh cold, your body was burning hot. Warmth traveled from his lips to your tiptoes, an intense tingle down your spine, like a fever spreading through you the longer he touched you, the longer he kissed you.
Snow fell all around you, falling onto Hyunjin's eyelashes, onto your cheeks, melting as soon as it touched your skin because he was making you so warm. He pulled back again, lips hovering over yours, "And now?"
āMore.ā You bit your lip, brain fuzzy and full of static, āStill cold.ā
He laughed, breathless from the kisses and the cold, a warm hoarseness in his voice. "You're greedy."
āYes.ā You mumbled, pupils blown wide as you blinked up at him. His voice was curious, āWhat are you gonna do when Iām not here? When Iām gone for long?ā
āDie.ā You mumbled, chasing his mouth for another touch. He pulled back, lips swollen, āThatās not funny.ā
You pouted at the separation of your lips, being away from him was physically hurting you, āI wasnāt being funny. Just donāt be gone for long, Hyun. Keep kissing me." Your body hurt, and your core hurt and your heart hurt, "Kiss me until it stops snowing, and it's summer again, and then after that too. Don't ever stop, please."
His eyes widened, and the song was ending, slowing down as he said, āYou say things with such intensity. Suchā¦passion.ā His finger reached out to your lips, thumbing your bottom lip, āI love that about you. I wish I could capture everything you say and bottle it up.ā
āI wish I could bottle you up.ā You were getting impatient, fingers dragging down his body, aching for more, more, moreand this is exactly why you hadn't wanted to start kissing in the middle of nowhere.
He laughed, harnessing a restraint you could never teach yourself in a million years as he pulled back, fingers memorizing the shape of your lips, āI should get you back before itās morning.ā
»»āāāā-
It was much, much easier to promise a secret than to actually keep one. That was something you learnt the hard way over the weeks that followed your and Hyunjinās rooftop tryst. Of course you could keep a secret. In theory.
Youād hidden things from your friends before ā about your desires to move to the city, your true feelings about life in a dead-end town. Back then, it came so easy you could trick yourself into believing it to be the truth. You'd done it so effortlessly. So, in taking all the skills built through your teenage years, this shouldnāt be so hard now. If it were up to you, you'd talk about him to any human who'd lend you an ear. But it was not up to you. So it'd be a secret you would take to your grave.
The next couple of days blurred into something strange and sweet. You weren't suddenly in a serious relationship, at least not in the way regular people would define it, but it was pretty damn close to what you two could have in this reality.
Neither of you had got much sleep. You talked to him, over text, voice messages, pictures, every waking second, every breath. He had a busier life than you - vocal lessons, photoshoots, interviews, so you hadn't seen him in person. Not since the night you'd met on the rooftop. You already missed him, his touch, how he tasted, the way he made you feel. You missed him with a sharpness that left your chest hollow. So you filled the gap with other things.
Seoulās pretty fucking cool when youāre not depressed.
Yeonjun and you saw each other a lot more, making a weekly routine out of it. Heād take you to jazz bars, and even as a plus-one to a work event. His life was all corporate jargon and meetings, and it was fun to dip your toes into the kind of life you could have had in another reality.
Other days, when all of your friends were busy, youād sit by the Han River, the winter sun warm on your skin and people-watch. People-watching was so much better here than back home. Here, you could actually make up stories about all the lives around you because everyone was a stranger. It could only work here because back in Daejon, you already knew everyone. But here, there were nine million people in this city and you would never know them all. The thought should have been scary. It wasn't. It felt like a kind of freedom you'd never had.
You'd only been here a few months, but you couldn't imagine living in a small town after this. You'd changed from who you used to be. That much was obvious. Your routine was busy again, you were hardly ever at home, and youāre finally living your life in Seoul.
Kairi took you thrifting, and your closet was slowly starting to look more like your style and less like settling for whatever Daejon had available. Mismatched patterns. Oversized, modern coats that looked like youād see them on magazine covers. A thrifted jacket with embroidered dragons on the back that you started wearing everywhere, even though it barely kept you warm. You'd never had the confidence to wear stuff like this when you were younger - you'd stick out like a sore thumb - but you felt different now.Ā
There was a routine to your life that had never existed before. Perhaps it was contrary that the routine came with insane bursts of spontaneity. You'd go out with Yeonjun for dinner and end up at a gaming arcade till the early hours of the morning. You and Kairi would stumble upon a world-famous artist exhibition happening right next to the thrift stores you scoured for items.Ā
It was the best city in the world to not know what the fuck you were gonna do with your life. It had everything to offer. You'd let yourself be taken by any and all creative pursuits the city had.
Hyunjin already had that. He had so much going on. His job wasn't a thing he could leave at the office at the end of a day. It was him. Every waking second of his day was dedicated to his craft, to getting better, to being there for the band members, to creating something for the fans. There was no rest, no in-between moments. He had obligations to so many people. It made sense why he had shut down all those months ago and uprooted his life by moving to Daejon.
So, you dug yourself into your passions too.
Yeonjun had a new obsession, a gaming arcade in Myeongdong. He'd convinced you to get a membership for it. You sat in the booth together, challenging each other to the new Walking Dead game. He leaned forward, focusing on the game, "I can't believe you've never played this game, and you're already beating me."
You laughed, focusing on the screen, swivelling the gun to maim the zombies, "It's not that hard. Just point and shoot."
"We should enter a tournament if that's so easy." He joked, he was still in his suit from work, he'd come straight here. You, on the other hand, were in your matching grey sweats, legs crossed on the arcade bench so you could be comfortable. He killed another zombie and said, "Work's sending me to a leadership retreat to Tokyo next week. "
You glanced at him, "Don't tell me. And they're paying for everything?"
"Yup. Although I'm gonna be bored out of my mind.ā He mumbled. You feigned a gasp, "Oh my god. Tokyo must be gorgeous this time of year. Maybe I should get a corporate job too."
He shot at a zombie, saving your character nonchalantly, "I can't imagine you in one, Y/N. And I mean that with no offense."
"What do you mean?" You stopped to stare at him. He shrugged, "I'm sitting at the desk for eight hours a day, in a stuffy suit and tie, making small talk with old white men from some bumfuck town in Ohio. Youā¦you deserve a more interesting life than that."
You laughed at his words, "But they're paying for you to go to fucking Tokyo. That's more interesting than my life will ever get if I stay an artist. Like who's going to sponsor me to travel and get inspired?"
"Okay." He inadvertently paused the game, looking at you, "When you're famous enough, you can just do that on your own."
"I do not want to be famous." You laughed. He nudged you, resuming the game, "Yeah. I guess it's not all that great. I'm upset I'm gonna miss your birthday."
You stilled, fingers over the controller, and time had really slipped away from you because you completely forgotten how close you were to it, "That's fine."
Yeonjun glanced at you, "No, it's not. I missed your last birthday tooā¦I hate that it's becoming a thing.ā You tried to focus on the game as you spoke, "That wasn't your fault. We all kinda iced you out after the breakup. And you missed nothing. We just went for a movie Yongbok wanted to see. Evil Dead something."
"You didn't even pick the movie for your birthday?" His eyes narrowed, and he was getting distracted from the game mission. You laughed, "I mean, I haven't celebrated my birthday in years. I didn't mind."
Yeonjun let out a exhale, "You deserve to be celebrated. Please tell me you guys at least did a cake."
The game lights flashed over the two of you, as you moved on to the next level and you said, "That was last year. It doesn't matter. By the way, your character is absolutely losing. I can't believe we never did this in Daejon."
"Oh, Yongbok would never have let you play with me. He would have snatched you up any time he got." He laughed. You smiled, eyes focused on the screen as your characters ran through the map, "Probably."
"Remember when Yongbok begged his parents to get him a Pac-Man machine on his birthday?" You laughed at the memory, "Wait. Yeah. I remember him crying about it for weeks."
"And that was what, his 16th birthday?"Ā
You smiled, "He's hilarious."
Your phone buzzed in your pocket, one, two and three times, and you knew who it was. You immediately reached for it, losing focus from the game.Ā
i miss you so muchĀ i cant stop thinking about youā¦what are you up to? i was gonna do something crazy and just come over to your place but eunwoo's being a hard ass right now and our schedule for the next few days looks insane ill figure something out. i think ill lose my mind if i don't see you soon
Your breath caught in your throat, the intensity of his texts catching you off guard. You heard growls, and you looked up to see your character get swarmed by zombies. Yeonjun glanced at you, laughing, "Girl. What happened?"
"Sorry. Sorryyy." You put your phone away, unable to stop smiling after that text despite your character dying, "I'll pay for the next round."
"Don't worry about it." Yeonjun laughed, leaning back in his seat, eyes flickering over your form, "Something⦠about you is different."
You leaned forward, keeping his gaze, but your heart was already pounding thinking about Hyunjin's text, "What do you mean?"
"I don't know. You know what they say, you have a glowā¦" He raised an eyebrow, "Did you get laid?"
You laughed, putting in six more coins for the game to restart, "I assure you that did not happen."
"Right. I don't believe you.ā
"I didn't get laid!" You laughed, "You'd be the first to know if I did."
He scrunched his nose like he didn't believe you, "Sure."
You and Hyunjin never got time to yourselves. The only privacy you could get would be in your apartment. He was always busy. You rolled your eyes, "I'm just happy, okay? Even though the sun sets at four pm, and it's always freezing and the only thing I want to eat is soupā¦I kind of love winter. I don't know why I was always so obsessed with summer."
Yeonjun laughed, "Summer just has a lot of propaganda behind it. Winter looks good on you, Y/N. It's the happiest I've seen you."
You tilt your head, your heart swelling as your best friend made these observations about you, "Really?"
"Andā¦I'll wait for you to tell me the reason for that." He stated, eyes narrowed on you teasingly. You laughed, "So I need a reason? I can't just be happy?"
"Oh. You're not just happy. You're grossly giddy all the time. At least it's in time for your birthday."
You giggled, "Right. You're not even gonna be here for it so what am I supposed to do?"
He shrugged, "I'm sure you'll figure it out."
You felt overwhelmed with love as Yeonjun and you continued gaming, absolutely obliterating every zombie in your path, and you felt a rush thinking of seeing Hyunjin soon. Your body was filled with buzz. You couldn't even stay still, the adrenaline buzzing you up so much that you played the game like never before, beating your high score twice in a row.
You'd never felt like this before. It's as if something had been missing in your life this whole time, this unconditional love, a giddy feeling in your stomach and now it's everywhere.Ā
You're drowning in it.Ā
»»āāāā-
Today, you're at your favorite cafe. The one with the pink chairs and the butter pecan seasonal cookies. You bit into one, crumbs of it falling over your sketchbook. You've been here for hours. You're inspired, and you've been sketching so much you've gone through two notebooks.
The cafe was playing smooth R&B tunes and it remind you of him. Everything remind you of him so you texted him, at the risk of sounding needy.
when do you think i can see you next?
And in the next second, before you'd taken a new breath, you received a text back. It was like he was waiting for you, fingers at the ready to type in a message.
hey, im in a fitting for a photoshoot. ohh what's it for? ah, just an editorial. vogue. ?? are you for real. that's insane.Ā yes haha. im⦠modelling for calvin klein lol. whatā¦.???
He texted you a picture of him, it looked like his manager had taken it behind the scenes. He stood against a white backdrop, in a tight red and white baseball shirt, low jeans that hung on his waist, a Gucci belt on his hips. The shirt was cropped, exposing his midriff just the right amount, and the band of his underwear.Ā
you look really hot. like wowā¦how long are you gonna be at the shoot? thank you :) honestly, probably a couple of hours. im still in only my first outfit. there's seven ugh. you're so strong. i believe in you. it's just a photoshoot. im not saving the world well being hot is a full-time job. ah of course.that's probably why you're so tired all the time.Ā cheeseball. sorry, i got to go they're calling me back, ill text you later.
You turned your phone over, focusing on your sketches. The cafe had some regulars and you tried to embody them in your sketches. Nobody lingered in the cafe as long as you did, so their faces were finished from memory or filled in with your imagination. You would need a new sketchbook very soon, and you made a note of going to the art shop again. Hours passed this way.Ā
"Can I get you anything else? The kitchen's about to close." A deep voice interrupted you. You glanced up at the cafe employee stood at your table. You hadn't realized it was almost closing time. You'd spent almost the entire day here. You wonder if he recognized you ā you'd frequented this same cafe for weeks, sitting at the same spot. It would be nice to be a regular here. It'd cement your place in this city more. You pointed to the cookie, "Who makes these? Because they're likeā¦way too good to be made in a mass-produced factory."
He smiled, "We get them from a baker in Gimpo."
"Ah⦠Well tell them I love these.ā You said. His eyes wandered to your sketches, "Whoa. Those are real good."
"Oh. Thank you." You sat up straighter, suddenly feeling self-conscious despite the compliment. He stared at your work, "Do you do exhibitions? You're very talented."
"Oh. Noā¦I just draw for myself.ā You flushed. He shrugged, m"Well, if you did exhibitionsā¦I'm sure a lot of people would come."
"I wouldn't know anything about that." You laughed, reading his nametag, "But that's very sweet of you to say, MJ."
"Of course. I'll get back to work. It's nice to see you in here so often." He stated, shooting you a smile before walking back to the counter. The sketch he'd admired was far from your best work, but it was so nice to be appreciated, by a stranger nonetheless. He was nice. You smiled, putting your pencil down to stretch out your limbs. You'd been in this posture for hours. You reached a hand back, squeezing your muscles.Ā
Your phone vibrated against the table, lighting up with a text from Hyunjin.
want me to get that for you? what� jisung tells me im great at massages
Your eyes narrowed in confusion. You looked up, eyes wandering across the cafe. And there he was. Hyunjin stood at the counter, half-hidden under a Yankees cap. He stood in the queue, an image of nonchalance, an obscure smile on his face.Ā
You couldn't believe he was here. In this very public place.
what are you doing here?
He was typing on his phone, one hand in his pocket.Ā
we're on lunch break. iā¦thought i'd pop in here for a coffee.Ā butā¦you literally work all the way across the city.Ā i like that sweater on you. pretty. they don't have coffee at the photo studio?
Your eyes flit up to his, he did such a good job of blending in with the crowd. He seemed so deadpan neutral, waiting for his turn at the counter. He ordered a coffee, then leaned against the counter as he waited.Ā
i missed you.Ā are you serious? so you came all this wayā¦.just to see me? is that weird? no, it's so romantic.Ā i wish i could sit with you. if only there was nobody else in this coffee shop. are you gonna go back soon? yeah. they need me back on set in 20.Ā
So he really came all this wayā¦just to look at you from across the room for a few minutes. He was only twenty feet away but you wanted to be closer. In such a public place, all you needed was an excuse really. So, you grabbed the little plate and stood up to walk over to the counter.Ā
Hyunjin stiffened, only for a second, when he realized you were walking towards him. You tried not to look at him immediately, focusing on the barista MJ. "Hey. Could I get another?"
MJ blinked, but then his face broke into a smile when he saw you, "Oh. Another cookie?"
"Yes, please." You weren't even hungry. It was crazy, the things you were doing to be close to him in the public.Ā
"Sure. Do you want it heated up? Also a tipā¦" He lowered his voice as if he was telling you a secret, "We might not have the cookies from Monday. We only get them twice a year."Ā
"You're kidding me." You blinked, "I should buy all of them out then.ā MJ laughed at your response, putting your cookie in the oven, "That was the last one of the day."
"Well, guess I'll just have to go to that bakery in Gimpo." You sighed, tapping your card to pay.Ā
"You can wait over there." MJ said, motioning to where Hyunjin stood, who was still waiting for his coffee. You walked over to his space with a nod.Ā
Your eyes met, like two strangers glancing at each other. Your breath caught in your throat. His makeup from the photoshoot was gorgeous. There was glitter on his eyes, a dark burgundy around his eyes. Silver flecks in the corners of his eyes. Pink blush all on his cheekbones. You almost said something out loud, about how gorgeous it looked.Ā
Yeah, he tried to blend in, with the casual fit, with the American baseball cap but he never really could, not when he looked like that. You'd realised a long time ago that Hyunjin would stand out in every room he was in.
"Americano for Hwang." They called his name out, and handed him his large cup of to-go coffee. Hyunjin's big hands grabbed it, multi-colored gummy rings on his fingers, and then took a sip of his coffee experimentally, glossy lips puckering around his straw.
"That good?" The barista asked him, watching for his reaction. Hyunijn's eyes were intense on yours, like he wanted to eat you whole, as he answered the barista, "It's delicious. Worth the trip across the city."
You tried to maintain composure under his gaze. He was just another stranger in the coffee shop. And in this moment, it felt so special, holding on to this secret. Pretending not to know Hyunjin in public, knowing you'd get to have him all to yourself later, was the most fun you'd had in a while.Ā
From the smile on Hyunjin's face as he walked away, it looked like he felt the same.
»»āāāā-
"Are you trying to kill me?"Ā
"What?" He laughed, on the other end of the line, "What ever do you mean?"
You mumbled into your phone, face red from your earlier interaction, "I mean, you can't just show up like that, looking like that, and expect me to keep to myself."
"Really? All I did was get a coffee, Y/N.ā He replied. You mumbled, "You should go on those reality shows, the seduction ones. You're a natural at that stuff."
His laughter was loud and adorable, "So you're saying you wanted to jump my bones in the coffee shop."
"That's a very crass way of saying it." You stared at the canvases displayed, phone balanced between your ear and shoulder, "I just found a really big canvas. Perfect for my living room wall."
Hyunjin laughed on the other end, "What else are you getting at the store?"
"Way too much. They are having a sale, andā¦I can't resist." You spoke as you wandered the aisles. You gasped as your eyes fell on a shelf, "They have my favorite paintbrushes on sale."
"You're so cute. You know, they'll have more sales. You don't need to get everything right now."
"I kind of don't know restraint when it comes to this." You sighed, dropping the pack of paintbrushes into your basket. He hummed, "It's a good thing you know restraint when it comes to me."
"Oh, shut up." You rolled your eyes, "I shouldn't have said anything."
His voice dropped, "Well, if it makes you feel any better, it was really hard to stand so close to you and not kiss you. I'm sure everyone who works in that cafe has an insane crush on you.ā You stopped in the middle of the aisle, feeling heated by his praise, "Yeah?"
"Yeah. If I was a barista there and saw you everyday⦠you with your pretty winter sweaters, your face when you concentrate, the look in your eyes when you taste good coffeeā¦fuck. I'd think I was dreaming."
"I'm in public, you can't say these things to me."
"Did I say something wrong?" He asked. You shook your head, sighing, "No. You say everything right. That's the problem. And does your manager think you're high maintenance now since you insisted on going to this specific coffee shop?"
"Hey, I gotta live up to the celebrity image, sometimes" He laughed, "But no, he was more than okay with it because everybody on set got a longer lunch break."
"How convenient for them that you ran out to see me." You spoke, heading up to the self-checkout to ring up your items. He nodded, sounding a little out of breath, "I'm almost to the dance studio now. I'll call you later? Don't start on the big canvas without me." He added, and then after a pause, "God. It's insane how much I like you."
"It's almost like you have a crush on me." You smiled, "Have a great practice, baby."
"Yeah. Almost." You could feel his smile through the phone.
Like always, he sent you videos from the practice room. He was choreographing a new song. You watched the videos on the subway home, phone held away from prying eyes, eyes wide in awe of how gracefully he moved. You were smiling silly, and you had to bite the front of your hoodie to not react crazy while watching him on your little screen. There was a butterfly farm in your stomach, and your cheeks hurt from smiling. You were so lovesick that it felt like an actual fever running through you.Ā
The woman across you on the subway was staring at you with a poignant look. Could she see how crazy in love you were? People always say youāre a changed person in love. They're right.Ā
Youāve found a newfound love for life. Everythingās romantic and things that seemed to be completely falling apart at the seams cease to exist. Perhaps it was juvenile to be so taken by one person that your life revolved around him. But giving in to your urges, after holding back for so long felt like the greatest thing in the world.
»»āāāā-
When you got home, there was a flyer slipped under your apartment door. It was for a new neighborhood Thai restaurant. "They got you too, huh?" A familiar voice spoke. You turned to see your neighbor, Jeongin, smiling at you, holding his copy of the flyer up.Ā
"The prices seem way too good to be true." You laughed. He nodded, staring at the paper flyer, "Gotta appreciate the tackiness of this."
"How are you?" You asked him, leaning against your door, key still halfway in the lock. He shrugged, shaking the snow out of his cap, "What can I say? Work's the same. I'm looking forward to the holiday season andā¦I'm happy you chose to stay. You're kind of the best neighbour I've had."
"I haven't even done anything." You laughed. He pointed at you, "Precisely. It's hard to get the quiet, kind ones here."
You smiled, "Yeah. I'm happy I chose to stay too. Sorry that I made you carry all my suitcases down the stairs that nightā¦I was having a crisis and thought going home would solve all my problems."
He held his hands up, "Hey, I'm just glad I didn't have to bring them back up. Your friend did the hard work."
You nodded, smile growing at the thought of Hyunjin, "Yeah." You tried to not let it distract you, as thoughts of him so often did. "Did you already eat dinner?"Jeongin shook his head, thumbing the advertisement flyer in his hand, "Nope. Are you in the mood for some Thai?"
You laughed. In this perpetual happiness, you'd say yes to everything.Ā
»»āāāā-
Today, you were running to catch the last ferry home. Minnieās bag swung wildly behind her as she ran down the pier, her laughter loud, while Jeonghan cursed under his breath trying to keep pace with the two of you.Ā You had reached out to them a few weeks ago. Just because you didnāt go to the Atelier classes anymore didnāt mean you couldnāt still have them in your life. Some days your schedules would all line up and you'd commute home on the Han River water taxis. They'd show you their artwork, you'd show them yours, complimenting and critiquing each other's works like it was your own little art club. It was a fun thing you looked forward to.
The last ferry left the dock at six pm every night, and if you missed it, you'd have a much longer, more boring commute home. The boat had started its low rumble, rope straining against the dock. You called out to the man in uniform, āPlease wait!ā
He sighed but held the line, foot tapping with impatience. You're sure it had something to do with the fact that they recognized you now. You were regulars on the ferries now too, and slowly you'd carved your space in this city.Ā
You jumped over the small gap between the dock and the boat, sneakers clattering against the metal ramp. Minnie ran in after you, and you glanced back to see Jeonghan running to catch up. At last, he made it onto the boat.
"I am never doing that again." He said, eyes narrowed on you. You were still catching your breath, trying not to laugh at how red his face was from all the exhilaration, "You're literally the reason we're late. If you hadn't stopped to pick up the bungeoppangā" The employee interrupted you, "Tickets?"
Minnie showed them your passes, as you made your way up the stairs to the top deck. The wind was unforgiving as you reached the open-air top deck, and you buttoned your coat up, hands freezing. You really needed to buy yourself some winter gloves. Despite the harsh weather, the view was beautiful as the sun set over the city. It didn't feel like you were on a cheap ferry at all, it might as well have been a yacht drifting through river Seine. The skyline stretched out in front of you, and you watched it, smiling, "Best seat in the house."Ā
"It's hard to keep up with you these days." Minnie teased, pinching your cheeks. "Ow." You squirmed, laughing, "Cold hands, Minnie. But maybe I'm just in a good mood, on account of it being such a perfect day and seeing your pretty face."
She laughed, "Your energy is infectious, baby."
You leaned far over the railing, watching the water hit the boat. "Careful, you'll go over." Jeonghan spoke, hands hovering over your waist to hold you back. You pulled yourself back, smiling at him, "How was class today, by the way?"
"It was good." He shrugged, leaning against it too, "We all miss you though. Nobody really knows why you left."
"I miss you guys too. I do not miss Jieong. And I hope you guys maintain the mystery of my departure. I can finally feel like an enigma."
"Yeah. But it seems like you've only grown after you left. All the art you've shown us in the past few weeks has been amazing. It's nice to see this side of you. Playful, happyā¦kind of insane." He spoke.
"Sorry, what was that last one?" You narrowed your eyes, pushing your hair out of your eyes. He chuckled. "Whatever spell's been cast on you lately, it's working."
Your smile was restrained, coy and you looked back out at the water. From here, you could see the tall Pegasus tower, where he worked. It was all glass and gorgeous. You wonder if he was in there right now, working on something amazing. Even if you couldn't share more about Hyunjin with your friends, they saw your happiness and through it, they saw him. You finally settled on the plastic seats as you talked. "You know, I saw your file in Jieong's office after you left." Jeonghan brought up. You were biting into a bungeeopang, eyebrows raised, "Oh. And?"
"Andā¦I don't know if you were ever gonna mention this to us, but isn't it someone's birthday soon?" He asked, tilting his head as if it was some kind of conspiracy. Your eyes widened, the red bean paste sticking to your lips and you licked it off, "I guess it is."
"So what, are we not invited to the party?" Minnie pouted. You smiled, finishing the snack, "Guys, no. I'm not even having a party."
"What? Why?" She gasped, "It'sā¦your fucking birthday. You need to celebrate."
"It just seems like a lot of effort to expect all my friends to show up, andā¦I don't even know what I would do." You explained. Jeonghan didn't look happy with your answer, still frowning, "It's not effort. We're your friends. Did you even tell anybody it's your birthday?"
You laughed, "No. How does that even naturally come up into conversation? I mean, my friends from back home know. Yeonjun knows, but⦠it doesn't matter."
Minnie and Jeonghan exchanged glances as if they needed to do something about it. You shifted closer, "Guys, please don't worry about it. The last party I had was probably when I was ten years old. I'm really okay with not making a big deal of it."
Back home, the tradition was that your friends would take you to the diner for pancakes and milkshakes, and then to the movies as Yongbok insisted. It was always like that. No fanfare, no fancy dinner, no big crowds. You'd never tried something bigger, and you don't even know if you'd like it.Ā
"Butā¦are you sure?" Minnie looked disappointed. You reached out to her, squeezing her hand, "I'm very sure, Minnie. It's really not that important."
They seemed disappointed with your answer.Ā
Your phone buzzed in your pocket twice, and you knew that it was him. You snuck a glance at your texts as Minnie and Jeonghan talked amongst each other.
y/n im rehearsing all day tomorrow for this award show
You started to type in a reply, and then came in two more texts.
could you meet me outside this studio 5 am tomorrow? i know it's last minute but it's one of the few times i'll be by myself
You typed in a quick reply, phone balanced on your thigh. ill be there.
"Is this a good time to bring up that I gave your number to Karina?"
You blinked, looking up at Jeonghan, āKarina?ā
āYeah. The Karina.ā He shot you a glance, āThe class visited her gallery again. She asked about you.ā
You lowered the snack, skeptical. āShe asked about me? Why?ā
He turned to you, still casually biting into his pastry, āWellā¦Professor Jieong mustāve mentioned you at some point. She said sheād seen your work. She was curious why you werenāt around anymore.ā
Your stomach flipped. Karina was a big-time gallery curator, the kind of person who could make or break artists. You couldnāt imagine what sheād want with you.
āAnyway,ā He added casually, āshe said sheād reach out. Donāt freak out when she does. Sheās cool.ā
You nodded, but your mind was already racing with what this could mean for you.
»»āāāā-
The pinned location Hyunjin sent you was an old ballet studio.Ā
The sun wasn't up yet and the temperature was in the negatives. Yet, you carried two iced coffees in your hand, messenger bag swinging by your side as you walked in. Immediately, you were greeted by the warmth of the heater and a musty but comforting smell. The dance studio seemed old, but still charming. There was no one at the front desk, so you walked right past it.Ā
You knocked lightly at the door, then sharper a second time, the rapping sound muffled by your new gloves. You waited a moment, music was playing inside and you're sure he couldn't hear you. So you pushed open the door, tentatively walking in.
The first thing you saw was yourself in the mirror. Drowning in your sweatpants, sneakers squeaking against the floor. You looked like you'd just woken up, which was true. The room was covered in mirrors on all sides. Hyunjin sat in the corner, a baseball cap tugged low over his head as he stretched, legs spread out in front of him, head bent low over his body.Ā
He hadn't seen you come in. The music was loud enough to drown out all sounds. He did another stretch, eyes closed as he stood up, lifting his arms above his head, warming up. You didn't want to startle him, so you leaned against a table as you waited for him to finish.
Even when he stretched so simply, his body line was so disciplined. You'd always thought that the way he carried himself was artistic, like a lithe dancer, limbs loose and in control. You wish you had a sketchbook, so you could commit this to memory. Of course this was the one time you didn't carry it with you. As soon as the song ended, Hyunjin turned around. He flinched, eyes widening, "Shit. Youā¦you scared me."
"I was trying really hard not to." You apologised, a smile forming on your face. His hand came up to his chest, catching his breath, "How long have you been in here?"Ā
"A couple of minutes." You said, holding up his coffee cup, "I brought you breakfast. I wasn't sure if you ate yet. I found this cafe, and they have these special pastries with bubblegum candy in the middle. Can you believe that?"
His eyes fell to the coffee and pastry as he walked over to you, "Why are you perfect."
You laughed, holding your gloved hands up, "A little help?"
"Of course. You finally bought gloves." He met you halfway, grabbing your hands delicately. He then guide your wrist to his mouth, tugging your woolen mitten off with his teeth. Your eyes met his, a quiet longing building up in you. He then switched hands, ripping off the right-hand glove with his teeth, "Better?"
"Much." You smiled, reaching up on your tiptoes to hug him. Your gloves lay abandoned on the floor. His hoodie was damp, soaked with sweat but he still smelled fresh, a mix of cologne and shampoo. You sank into the hug, arms snaking around his waist, "You're so warm and cosy."
"I know. I've been dancing for a while." He pulled back, "Thanks for coming here so early."
"Of course. I'll take any chance I can get to see you." You smiled. He held his hands up, gesturing around him, "Welcome to the studio. Usually we rehearse at the company building, but when it's just me, I rent out this place."
So this was where he spent his life, training, rehearsing on repeat. You could feel the sweat and hard work radiating off the walls. You loved how casual this felt, like you and him could just spontaneously make plans like so at the drop of a hat, like you didn't need to dodge a hundred things to see each other. You crossed your arms, "It's really cute."
"It's one of my favorite studios in the city, although the acoustics are really bad andā¦" He pointed at a wooden panel with his sneakers, "The floor's literally falling apart but I've been coming here since I was fifteenā¦"
"Wow. You're loyal." You smiled. He then said, "I try. I'm going to make a donation here for Christmas so they can finally fix their studio. But todayā¦I'm teaching a class."
"Wait, seriously?" You turned to look at him. He nodded, "There's a new class of trainees. Some boys that are interested in becoming idols. They're as young as thirteen, the oldest is sixteen, and I'm supposed to be teaching them a class today. I'm⦠nervous. It's going to be a lot of attention on me."
Your heart swelled at the idea of it, "That sounds amazing. They must look up to you a lot, Hyunjin."
He shrugged, running a hand through his wispy hair, "I hope so. Come on, I'll show you my playlist."Ā
You walked over to where his laptop rested. He squeezed in behind you, watching the screen over your shoulder. He scrolled through a playlist, long fingers on the trackpad, "This is usually what I warm up to. Sometimes I freestyle to get in the mood."
The playlist was a mix of old-school rock and R&B. You could feel the warmth radiating off him, his arms around you as he navigated the laptop. There was certainly a more comfortable way to do this, but of course, you and Hyunjin were pressed up to each other in a room this big. He opened a video file, "And this is what I'm teaching them today."
You watched the video, your eyes fixed on Hyunjin in it. Some of his managers were visible in the background. Their faces were pixelated but you pointed, "Who's that?"
"That's Eunwoo. He's the one who convinced the big bosses to let me go back home. Althoughā¦it was hard to convince him too." He explained, voice soft. There was another man circling around Hyunjin, doing the same movements as him, "And him?"
"That's the choreographer. He flew in from Germany to help me out with this song.ā He told you. You wonder why you were standing watching a video of Hyunjin when the real thing was right here. Maybe he didn't feel comfortable enough performing in front of you, but you voiced your thought anyway, a whisper, "Can I watch you?"
Hyunjin chuckled, "I knew you'd ask me that."
You turned around, looking up at him, "Well, of course I would. Ever since I found out you were a dancer, from that night at the bowling alley, it's all I yearn for." He chuckled at your words. You narrowed your eyes, teasing, "Isn't that why I'm here?"
His eyes searched your face, amused and fond, fingers absentmindedly touching the gold hoops in your ears, "Actually. You're here because I need you to film me."
"What?"
"Yeah. I'm rehearsing for a performance at this award ceremony. I was thinking I could just use that practice to warm myself up before the trainees arrive."
"Do you want it filmed a certain way orā¦?" You asked. He shook his head, "No, it's really simple. I'm going to be moving around a bit so I couldn't put my phone on a tripod. Usually a manager helps me but Iā"
"But you needed an excuse to see me." You finished his sentence. He smiled wide, his eyes crinkling, "Mmh. I did."
He walked back to the center, "I'm gonna mark it first."
"What does that mean?" You laughed.
"Just gonna go over it in my head. So, don't watch yet. Look at your phone or something." He seemed embarrassed. It was adorable. "Fine" You laughed. He had headphones slung around his neck, and you sat down, biting into the pastry you'd brought. Every so often, you did glance up. He was marking steps, half-speed, committing them to muscle memory. He counted under his breath, lips moving silently as his body fell into rhythm only he could hear.
His hoodie soon came off, thrown carelessly to the side. It was getting hotter in the studio. His shirt clung to his back, the waistband of his underwear visible under his sweats. He caught you looking once, and smiled breathlessly before running the same sequence again.
You wish you had your things so you could draw him, the lines of his shoulder, the way his hair flew around him, the perfect silhouette of his body. There was something about the way he moved. It was the greatest art you'd laid your eyes on. Eventually, he stilled, eyes flicking to you, "I'm ready for you."
You grinned, chewing on the bubblegum, "Oh, are you?"
He tied his hair up quickly, tugging the strands back into a messy knot, "Can you loop the song in case I mess up? Andā¦don't judge yet. It's not perfect."
Did he not know that everything he did was perfect? He could stand still for an hour, and you'd find a way to admire him.Ā
You pressed play on the laptop, and the room filled with the slow opening notes of the song, Father Figure by George Michael. It was low and haunting at first. Hyunjin was in the center, his back to you, shoulders rising and falling as he drew in a breath. You walked over to him, holding his phone in your hands, beginning to film.
You were suddenly nervous to see this side of him. You could feel your heartbeat in your ears.
Then he moved. It was small, the roll of his shoulders, the tilt of his head. But every movement was so precise⦠like he was flicking strokes of a brush onto a canvas, but with his body. His body moved too slow, too controlled, like there were strings tied to him and every muscle and bone was its prey.
You didn't want to even blink, lest you miss a second of it. And his faceā¦every flicker of his eyes was purposeful, as if he was even breathing to the beat of the song.Ā
By the time the chorus hit, you felt breathless, watching his body live the song. It was magnetic. His hair had slowly come undone from the pony he'd put it up in, flying around him. He was pulling you in deeper with every move, and it must be a sin that you went this long without seeing this side of him. It must be a sin that a creature this perfect existed amongst you. A sin that you couldn't have him to yourself every hour of the day.Ā
You suddenly felt a wave of possessiveness, selfishness, to have him all to you. It was unfair that other people got to see this side of him. His confidence grew the longer you watched him. His hooded eyes were on you, then he looked at himself in the mirror. Then back at you. It was obvious he was feeling himself.
The song was over before you could process what you were watching. As soon as it ended, you wished you could watch it again, for the first time. The final note hit, and he stopped, his breaths loud in the quiet room. The music faded out.Ā
So this must be a new form of hypnosis.Ā
You hope you had recorded everything the way he wanted. You hope you hadn't been reeled in and left stranded in your hopeful desire for him.Ā
Hyunjin's eyes met yours, his hands on his hips, sweat dripping down his jaw. His hair was plastered to his temples. He said nothing. You watched each other. Your legs felt weak, even though he's the one who just performed. You pressed stop on the recording.
"Ohā¦" You searched for the right words, and your mouth felt dry, "That was incredible. You were incredible."
"Really?" His voice was tentative as if he could ever be something else. The word incredible was made for him. You stared at him, "Really. I'm sorry I don't have more words, I'm still thinking about what just happened."
You wish you could learn more languages so you could tell him how perfect he just was in every one. You'd learn every language in the world if that's what it took to convince him.
He let out a shaky laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. He was so shy, so humble, so nonchalant in his greatness. Unassuming of his beauty. He cleared his throat, "Did it look all right on video?"
"I think I got a good video, yeah, I'm sure I did. Hyunjin, that's probably the best thing my eyes have ever seen. The rest of the world will be very disappointing now compared." You held the phone back to him, showing him how he looked. He watched it quietly and you knew he was probably picking apart his mistakes in his head.
"Do you like it?" You asked, glancing up at him. His smile was small, "The video is perfect. Meā¦not so much. I messed up a few times. God, I really don't know why they asked me to teach these boys. Maybe they should've just had the dance instructor here doing this."
You brushed back the damp hair from his temple, moving his bangs out of his eyes, "I'm sure he's amazing. But they're not here to see some dude from Germany. They're here for you. You're their idol."
His eyes settled on you, "Yeah, you're right."
"You were amazing." You reassured him. His features twisted into a smile, lips parting, "That means a lot coming from you. You know I value your opinion on pretty much everything."
Your chest tightened. āI knowā" Then he kissed you. You were learning that he loved to catch you off guard in these moments, like he was so overtaken by his urge that he sometimes couldn't even wait for you to finish your sentence. He was still dripping with sweat, but you didnāt care. "Andā¦thank you for being here, and for filming meā¦" He murmured against your mouth, "Did I mention how much I missed you?"
"Maybe you should say it again."
His tone dropped, "I could write a song about it."
"Yeah?" Your voice came out squeaky, shaky. All your confidence reduced to nothing before his flirting. He nodded, pushing you to the mirrored wall and you let him, "Yes. I like seeing you in the morning." His hands dropped to your sweatshirt, "I like that you brought me coffee, and I like that you compromised on your sleep for me, and came here so early."
You blinked up at him, eyes wide, a deer in headlights at the man before you, "I'd compromise anything for you."
"Anything?" He tilt his head.Ā
"Everything." It came out a whisper, as he leaned in, meeting your mouth with his. You tilt your head up, neck craning to kiss him as he towered over you. His lips were so soft. They were so wet. Or maybe yours were. In moments like this, you couldn't tell where you ended and he began. Slippery, sloppy, wet kisses, where his mouth would trail off to your jaw, slipping to the edge of your mouth because there was too much emotion and heat and no control.
Your neck hurt, from the angle, from kissing him this intense. Like he could feel your pain, his hand shifted to the nape of your neck, cushioning it against the mirror, angling it so he could kiss you deeper. His hands were all over, settling on your waist. You were on your tiptoes again. You stood there, pushed up to the wall by his body, making out like animals in heat.
Your gum was in his mouth now. He didn't care. It was so hot.Ā
"Strawberry." He pulled back, face still inches from yours, commenting on the flavor of your gum.
"You like it?ā You asked. His head sank into your neck, kissing you there, sucking on your skin. You closed your eyes, relishing in his kisses. He mumbled against your skin, "Is that even a question? It tastes like you. I love it."
Your fingers hovered over his mouth, pulling it open. You kissed him, pushing your tongue in his mouth, tasting him, "God, but it tastes so much better in you."Ā
You felt crazy. Everything was better with his taste in it. How could you ever enjoy gum again, if not like this? He chuckled, pulling your body flush to his, "Yeah?"
"You know everyone says I'm different now. " You whispered, blinking up at him. He tilt his head, "What do you mean?"
"I mean, all my friends. Yeonjun, Minnie, Nateā¦even my neighbour, they said something's changed."
"Really?" His smile grew, and he pushed some of his hair back, "Actually⦠the boys have been the same. They've been bugging me nonstop, asking me why I've been so giddy all the time and not nearly as annoyed at them as I used to be. Even Eunwoo's noticed my mood lately..."
"I wishā¦we could talk to them about us.ā You smiled, playing with the strings of his hoodie. He dropped his head to yours, forehead touching, nose resting against yours, "I know. I've been thinking about it, if we should tell them, or Chan at least."
"Are you serious?ā You blinked, tugging at his hoodie. He nodded, "I think he'd really understand."
"I would love to tell Kairi. Iā¦wanna talk about you all the time. It's hard to keep it to myself." You said. He tilt his head, "Yeah? What would you tell her about me?"
"Justā¦girl talk. How crazy you drive me. How thoughtful you are. How good you kiss.ā You sang. He smiled, "I don't think she'd want to hear any of that, I'm like a little brother to her."
You laughed, "Stop. Then am I supposed to keep all these thoughts to myself?"
"No. No. Tell me. I don't qualify for girl talk?"
"Well. You kinda don't meet the only parameter." You mumbled. He pouted. You smiled, "But maybe I could make an exception for you."
He tilt his head. "Yeah? What would you tell me?"
You twirled the strings of his hoodie in your fingers, "I'd tell you howā" You were interrupted by the buzzing of his phone alarm. He jumped, startled, dropping his head, "Shit. Class is starting soon."
You regained your voice, eyes searching his, "I should be leaving you now then." He nodded, pressing his mouth to yours again, "I'm sorry to cut this short. I'll see you later, okay? Thanks for the best morning ever."
You had a feeling the rest of your day was going to be very unproductive as you replayed this moment in your head. You measured life differently now: not in hours, but in moments with him. Everything else was background noise.Ā
You gathered your things, and Hyunjin draped your coat over you, helping you thread your arms through it. He then put on your gloves for you, slipping them over each hand delicately like it was the most important task in the world, despite your rush. You could do it yourself, but you liked when he did it. You liked being taken care of. You never had before, not like this. Never like this. He kissed you, a peck on the lips, a casual and domestic kiss and you were just lovers departing for the day, and the feeling in your chest was hard to replace.Ā
You walked out, bag tugged on your shoulder and in your hurry, you'd forgotten your cup of coffee inside. Before you could turn back, you saw a group of teenagers walking towards the studio. They were all so young, buzzing amongst themselves with the energy of a morning field trip. You smiled to yourself as you made your way to the bus stop.Ā
The wind was chilly on your ears and cheeks, snapping you out of your reverie. The sun was starting to rise over the horizon, casting a beautiful glow over the otherwise empty street.Ā
"Are you here for the dance lesson?" Someone asked. You glanced up, expecting to see a teenage boy, but an older man stood there. His cologne flooded your senses. It smelled rich. He was dressed in a three-piece suit.Ā
You wonder how you hadn't noticed him walk over to you. Your eyes trailed over him. He didn't look older than forty, but his voice commanded so much authority, like he had tens of years of experience.Ā
"Um. No...I'm just waiting for a bus." You replied. His eyes lingered on you for a second, and you turned back to your phone to check the bus schedule until he spoke again, "You're not a dancer?"
You laughed, "No, sir. I couldn't dance to save my life. Why do you ask?"
His brows rose in mild surprise at your laugh, and he smiled. It was a kind smile, "Just curious, you know, you're waiting outside a dance studio. Just a normal assumption to make."Ā
You turned to see the studio, and all the trainees still walking in, "Oh. I was just passing by. Seems popular though."
"Right. Right." He mumbled, "Such a shame."
You looked up at him, surprised, "Sorry?"
His eyes traveled over your face, over the sweatshirt that hung to your thighs, and then back up to your eyes, "You would have made for a pretty dancer."
Before you could think of a reply, the bus arrived.Ā
»»āāāā-
Everything was romantic.Ā
Seoul was ready for Christmas soon, all the streets were dressed up in lights and there were cute snowmen made by school children on every street corner.
The art shop near your apartment was busy even at this hour. Unlike home, there was no shortage of love for art or creativity here. You made your way through the aisles, art supplies in hand, carefully avoiding bumping into anybody. It was the holiday season and this place was at its busiest. It warmed your heart to see people browse through the shelves, and it piqued your curiosity to see the things people had gathered in their baskets and carts. The checkout line was long, and you waited, hopping on the balls of your feet. A little girl in front of you was gaping up at you, eyes wide. You smiled at her, "Hey."
"Where'd you get that?" She pointed to the glitter tube in your hands. "Oh. You can just have mine." You handed it to her, "I'll buy it for you."
"Oh, you don't have to do that." Another voice interrupted and you looked up to a younger woman grabbing onto her hand, "Alex is very used to getting what she wants."
"Good to start young." You joked, and the woman laughed. She observed the stuff in your hand, "Looks like you have a fun night ahead of you."
You smiled, "Yup. Prepping for date night."
"Oh? You're quite lucky. I wish my girlfriend liked painting, but I guess my little sister likes to do it." She said, tugging at Alex's hand. You smiled as you moved up in the line. She turned back to you, "Are you an artist in residency?"
"Oh, I umā¦was. I used to be a student at the Atelier. Do you know of it?ā You asked her. Recognition settled in her eyes and she said, "The Atelier? So you know Kim Jieong?"
His name sent a sharp feeling through your gut, but you nodded, "Yep. I had classes with him. I don't go there anymore though."
"He can be a bit of a prick."
"Prick." Her little sister repeated. You were surprised, "I'm sorry, how did you say you know him?"
"I was a student of his way back in the day. Maybe he mentioned me? I'm Karina." She extended her hand to you.
You blinked at her, shaking it back. So she was Karina. The owner of almost every art gallery in the country. The prodigy Hyunjin had told you about. You had never met her though, but you'd heard so much of her. You bit your tongue, "I've heard about you. My friend Jeonghan, or um, Nate as he likes to be called, said you talked to him. He's also in Jieong's class."
Realisation settled into her features, "You must be Y/N. I've seen your work; Jieong mentioned it when your class visited us. You have a really good eye for art. This is crazyā¦I've been meaning to reach out to you, but I had to babysit Alex this past week and things with the gallery got crazy."
"Oh, uh that's completely fine. Why did you want to reach out to me?" You moved ahead in the line, almost near the cashier now. Karina glanced back at you, "I was curious if you've ever worked with other artists before, different from the Atelier?"
"Um, yeah. Back home, I used to help my friend Seungmin out with art classes for tourists at this place called the Chateau, where we did events. I'm from a small town near the hills. A very touristy place and uh, that's not relevant. Iā¦I kind of learned by watching him."
"Wow. That sounds nice. I'd love to visit there someday. What are you doing these days, if you don't mind me asking? You just mentioned you're not working with Jieong anymore."
Wasn't that the question of the century? "Justā¦been trying my hand at a bunch of things, trying to figure out where I fit."
"Well, this feels serendipitous. After Nate mentioned you, I've been meaning to call you. I've been looking for someone⦠to help me with the exhibitions and galleries. An assistant curator of sorts."
Your eyes widened, "Oh."
"Do you think you'd be interested in something like that?" She asked, so casually, in the checkout line. You didn't know what to say, āOhā¦Thank you for thinking of me, but Iā¦I don't think I'm qualified. I didn't go to university for art. I'm self-taught."
"You don't really need to be. I honestly just need someone who can stand being around paintings and pretentious artists all day without getting bored by it. It also helps if you're organised and know your way around art supplies, butā¦does that sound like you?"
"It...does actually.ā You said. She smiled, "Well, I'll email you then. Please let me know if you're interested. That is so crazy that I ran into you just now."
"Yeah." A chuckle of disbelief. After you checked out, you handed Alex the glitter tube you'd bought. She was all smiles. Karina smiled at you at that.Ā
It felt serendipitous indeed as you watched her leave. You called Hyunjin on your walk home, choosing to walk instead of taking the subway so you could still talk to him over the phone, "You're not gonna believe who I just ran into. Oh, wait. First things first, how did your classes go?"
"They were good! The kids were so nice. They're all so insanely talented. They were excited to meet me. I⦠actually felt kind of bad." He said. You frowned, "Why?"Ā
He sighed, "They're just⦠so young. They have their whole lives ahead of themā¦and the only thing they want is to become stars? I kind of remember what it was like being that age. I'd give up anything for an opportunity but I almost wanted to tell them that being famous isn't all it's built up to be."
"But Hyunjinā¦" You trailed off. He added, "Don't get me wrong. I'm so grateful for my work but I'm lucky to work with my best friends. I wouldn't want to be alone in the industry. But at least, Soohyun seemed really impressed with my performance today."
"Soohyun?"
"I think I mentioned him to you, he'sā¦the big boss. We all work under him. He terrifies me. But he seemed surprisingly happy today."
"He was there today?" You stopped at an intersection, processing his words. Hyunjin said, "Yeah. He's only there for the show of it, so all the trainees can see his face. A PR thing, you know."
"I think I ran into him. At the bus stop outside.ā You bit your lip. His tone changed instantly, "What? Did he say something to you?"
"Yeah but don't worry, Iā¦didn't give anything away. He asked me if I was there for the dance class. He was probably just curious. It wasn't a big deal." You swallowed, staring at the traffic go by you in a blur. You could hear the frown in his voice, "He knows the class was only for male students."
"Oh." You mumbled, and your stomach dropped, "Butā¦I didn't say anything to him. Just that I was waiting for the bus. Is this gonna be a problem? He doesn't know who I am, right?"
"Noā¦it shouldn't." He said, but he sounded unsure. You swallowed, suddenly feeling you made a big mistake, "I should've left earlier. I cut it too close."
"No, don't apologise. This isn't your fault. If anythingā¦it's mine. I'm the one who asked you to be there. Don't worry. He didn't say anything. So he probably doesn't know anything."Ā
"Yeah." Anxiety pooled in your stomach. It was your turn to cross the street but your legs felt unsteady. You leaned against a streetpole. You couldn't have fucked this up already. You'd only just started. You had your entire life left with him.
"Um, you said you had something to tell me. Who did you run into?" Hyunjin asked. You shook your head, "No, it's not important. Iā¦I'm sorry about what happened with Soohyun. I shouldn't have said anything."
"Baby, don't worry about it. I'm sure it's fine. He has no idea who you are and he probably talked to you because he thought you were pretty. He can be like that with younger women."
You nodded, taking in a breath, "Right... "
He was quick to respond, "Y/N. Please stop. You're overthinkimg. You didn't fuck anything up. Trust me. Would it help you if I talked to Chan about this?"
"What? But I thought we can't tell him."
"I know that's what I said. Butā¦if it'll make you feel better, Chan's the one person I trust to help me protect this. And Kairi's your friend. I know how much you wanted to share this with her. Maybe it's time they know. And then they can tell you themselves that it's no big deal, okay?"
āReally?" You asked. He said, "Really. We can tell them tomorrow. Please stop worrying about this. I can't let you do that cause of me."
"I know. I just feltā¦stupid. Like a dumb mistake like this could unravel everything. I'm not done with you.ā You said. He laughed, "And you don't have to be. I promised you, didn't I? I'm not going to let anything happen to you."
You swallowed, "Yeah."
"And if hearing that from Chan will make you feel better, then we'll tell him. I can't handle you being stressed, not because of me."
"Okay. Tomorrow then. We tell them."
āTomorrow."
»»āāāā-
āThere are so many people here,ā you muttered under your breath. āIt's the middle of the day on a Tuesday. Does nobody have a job?ā
Kairi laughed, grabbing a ceramic bowl and placing it in her basket, "You're here too."
"Yeah, yeah." You sighed, "I'm here to give you company."
You'd decided to meet Kairi where you usually hung out, a vintage thrift store where she was shopping for holiday gifts. The store was huge and full of tacky home goods. Couples wandered the aisles hand-in-hand, picking out quirky vases and lamps. After your conversation with Hyunjin last night, you couldn't hold it in any longer. You were finally gonna confess to her. You'd been building up to it this whole time, making useless small talk about homegoods when really you just wanted to blurt it out.
"I thought you'd enjoy holiday shopping and picking out trinkets, you know being as artsy as you are. Yet, you've been on edge all morning." She said, giving you an incredulous look. She looked pretty today, like always. In a lavender cardigan and beanie, her kohl-lined eyes were focused on yours. You leaned against the shelf, careful not to knock over any ceramic, "Well, I wanted to tell you something."
She tilt her head, eyes still scanning the shelf for any hidden finds, "Tell me."
You looked around. The aisle was surprisingly empty, despite the store being crowded. You pushed your hands in your pockets, staring at your trainers. The words spilled out before you could second-guess yourself, "I'm just gonna get right to it because it's killing me. Something happened at your dinner party. Between me and Hyunjin."
Her brows lifted, her entire posture sharpening as she stepped closer to you. āYou guys ā¦slept together?"
"Uh, No. Weā¦decided to give it a shot." You continued, "Me and him."
Her reaction was instant, her eyes went huge, and she whipped her head around instinctively to scan the store ā even though you had just done that. No one was paying attention, but her voice still dropped to a sharp whisper. āHoly Shit. What? You'reā¦saying that you're together? Like you're dating?"Ā
āYeah. I suppose." You looked up at her, swallowing hard, "Your hands are shaking. Let me take that." You grabbed the ceramic plate from her hands, pressing your fingers into it as if it could absorb your nerves.Ā
"And you decided to tell me right now? In the middle of holiday shopping?" Her voice raised an octave. You squeezed your eyes shut, "Iā¦I didn't wanna make it a big deal, because it's not."
"I really thought you were gonna tell me that you guys had sex. I was expecting that. But⦠I didn't expect this." She said. You blinked, "Weā¦haven't yet."
"I'm just surprised." She added, "Does Chan know?"
"Hyunjin is telling him right now."
Understanding sank into her, "Is that why you came with me to the store and he insisted Chan on going to the botanical gardens with him? The double whammy."
You blinked, thrown. You hadnāt known that was the plan. Of course Hyunjin would choose something as absurdly romantic as a garden. āI did actually want to see you too.ā you muttered. An amused smile curled at her lips, her eyes glinting. āRight.ā
Your stomach tightened. āAre you upset at me? For not telling you?"
She leaned back, arms crossed loosely, as if weighing her words. Then she shook her head. āIt's been weeks since my dinner. You guys hid it well. Iām impressed. That's why you were so happy when you guys came downstairs. Ugh, I feel embarrassed now becsuse all of us were pretty sure you guys were you knowā¦doing it. I don't think any of us could have seen this coming.ā
"Oh. Uh, why? Is it that hard to believe?" Your chest squeezed strangely. Her eyes widened, she shook her head, "No. It's justā¦Hyunjin was adamantly against this. I didn't expect him to change his mind."
"Me neither. It was honestly a surprise to me too.ā You said. She frowned, "I hope you still had time to think through your decision before saying yes."
You swallowed, "I mean, there was no question about it for me."
Her head tilted, āWhat changed his mind? Is he telling Jisung and Changbin?"
"I think he's going to tell them soon. Their schedule has been so crazy with the awards and the fashion shows."
"So where do you two meet?" She asked, curious. You bit your lip, "Wherever we can. He picks me up in his car sometime. We talk a lot on the phone. Weāre being really careful.ā
"Have you seen him in public at all?" You started to answer, but she continued, "Because if you have, I hate to say it, but thatās not careful enough.ā
You froze, surprised by the bluntness, "Um. We haven't reallyā¦"Ā
She reached ahead for your hand, speaking, "I didn't mean that in a negative way⦠I was just being candid. From my experience. It is hard when you start out. But it gets easier. You just have to keep reminding yourself what itās worthā¦what youāre willing to give up.ā
Your brows furrowed, her words gnawing at you as you thumbed the ceramic dish in your hands, āI guess I donāt see it as giving something up.āĀ
A small smile ghosted over her lips, though her gaze stayed serious. She wasnāt teasing you anymore, her eyes were kind. āHave you told any friends or family?ā
You shook your head. āNo, of course not.ā For once, you felt proud, like maybe youād finally given her the right answer.
āI think you should tell them.ā Her reply came quick, almost too quick. Your smile faltered, āButā¦weāre supposed to keep it a secret.ā
āYeah, from the public. Not from your loved ones.ā She leaned in, lowering her voice as if the customers in the store could hear, āGod forbid something happens, if it ever leaksā¦you wouldnāt want them to find out from the news, right? Itās better if they hear it from you. Andā¦you guys need to think of a contingency plan, in case things ever go south, to make sure you're safe and protected."
You didn't ever want to hear the words 'contigency plan' when talking about your boyfriend, but that's just how things were. Your chest tightened. What she said made sense, but you couldn't quite wrap your head around it. Sure, you could tell Yeonjun and your other friends, but that was only for the worst-case scenario. Right now, you liked the secret. It felt like something you could protect from the world. Kairi must have noticed how your expression dipped; her features softened immediately. āI didnāt mean to scare you. This is justā¦real life, you know?ā
āYeah.ā
āShit.ā She pressed her palms to her cheeks. āWhat am I doing? Iām being a total bummer. Can we rewind?ā She reached over, squeezing your shoulder. You cracked a faint smile, looking back up at her, āBut I want to hear the real stuff, Kairā
āOkay, then the real stuff is this: Iām really really fucking happy for you, Y/N. I know how much you like him. Iām glad you two finally decided to sort things out and that you're no longer fighting. That was a really hard watch for me and Chris.ā
āThank you.ā Warmth spread through your chest. Her smile was small, but steady. āItās easy to get anxious about these things. But you canāt let that control you, okay?ā
"Definitely." You smiled, putting the ceramic bowl back onto the shelf. Kairi clapped her hands together as if sheād discovered some newfound energy. āAlright. Guess we're gonna have to do some double dates now then, huh?ā
»»āāāā-
It was a regular Thursday night when your phone buzzed with a voice note. Hyunjinās voice crackled through, low and playful, āI was thinking we could do something different today.ā
You pressed play again, grinning at the sound of him and replied, "What did you have in mind?ā
A pause, then another message from him. āI donāt know if you heardā¦but thereās supposed to be a meteor shower later tonight. We canāt see it from the city though. I was thinking we could drive up this hill nearby. Chan and Kairi are in for it too.ā
Your heart tugged at the casual way he said it ā like inviting you on such a plan, alongside his best friend and his girlfriend, was the most natural thing in the world. It'd been only a few days since you told them, and they'd taken it so well. It was nice to not be alone in it anymore.
āThatā¦sounds amazing,ā you smiled into your phone. It's not like you had anything else planned anyway. The forecast said it would snow into the early hours of the morning and you're not sure how Hyunjin planned to alter the weather for the meteor shower. But you trusted him. If anyone could pull something like that off, it'd be him.
He picked you up late, car waiting a street over from your apartment like usual. It was different than the one he'd picked you up from the last time. Dark blue in color, it looked right out of a luxury car commercial.Ā
āIs this another rental?ā You asked, sitting inside.
"Yup." Instinctively, he reached over to pull your seatbelt over your body, clicking it into place. You smiled. You loved when he acted like that with you, like you were his to take care of. He then turned the heater up for you.Ā
"Hey." Chan spoke from the backseat, arm lazily draped around Kairi, "We find ourselves in a car together again. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever."
You looked back at them and how cosy they seemed. Chan was dressed in all black, and Kairi matched him as you said, "We last met at Kairi's dinner, didn't we?"Ā
"That we did. It's nice to see you again." He smiled, "When Hyunjin told me about the two of you, you know what I was thinking?"
"That it's a terrible idea?" You bit your lip. He laughed, "No. I was thinking 'finally.' This boy finally had the guts to tell me."
"So you knew?" You gasped. He smiled, "I guess, in a way. Hyunjin was suspiciously happy, andā¦I haven't seen him like that in a long time. He was also going on a lot of late night drives. He was suddenly not a pain in the ass anymore."
Hyunjin glanced at him in the rearview, eyes narrowed, "Hey, if you really knew, why didn't you ask me about it?"
"I was waiting for you to tell me. I'm not gonna pressure you. I'm a good guy like that, you know?ā Chan shrugged. You smiled at him, "I'm glad you know. Also, I hear you've been writing the next pop hit."
Chan laughed, "Well, trying, trying. We'll see how the fans like it."
"They're obviously gonna love it." Kairi smiled.Ā
Once you were out of the city traffic, Hyunjin drove like heād been waiting all week for this, one hand on the wheel, the other tapping along to the song blasting through the speakers. A French rock song came on, and Hyunjin turned the volume all the way up. There was a little dashboard where you could see the lyrics, almost like your own karoake room in the car. Kairi was trying to sing along, messing up most of the lyrics.Ā
āThose are not the words!ā You said over the music, making Hyunjin laugh. His eyes crinkled, loud laughter echoing through the car. Chan said, "You know. Hyunjin told me the story. But I'm gonna have to hear it from you. Last I remember, you guys were yelling at each other. What changed?"
It was embarrassing now, how much you'd fought him, how much anger you'd held in yourself after he'd ghosted you. You swallowed, trying not to misspeak, trying to make this as simple as possible because things had once been so complicated, "I don't know. I was about to leave and go back home. He showed up at my doorstep trying to convince me to stay. I guess it worked."
Things were so simple now.
"Romantic. The result of watching all those holiday romance movies." Chan commented, "He can be really convincing like that."
Hyunjin laughed, "Iā¦just didn't want her to leave. Even if she hated me. I know Seoul's the place for her."
You stared at him, smiling through his words, "You're right. I've been meaning to tell you. Iā¦uhā¦also ran into Karina."
He glanced at you, "What?"
"And she asked me to work with her. Orā¦for her. As a curator of sorts for some art galleriesā¦I'm not sure yet. We only had a casual conversation about it. I don't know if I'm gonna qualify for it."
"Holy shit noā¦that's amazing." Hyunjin said, his face lighting up, "Youā¦you would be perfect at that. You were so great at the Chateau."
"Ah. Is this the Chateau I heard about all summer?" Chan asked. You nodded, "Yeah. I used to work there."
Hyunjin reached over, grabbing your hand, "Are you excited to work with her?"
You nodded, "I am, yeah. It'll be something new and differentā¦and I'll be nice to get paid again and not eat out of my savings."
Chan and Kairi were talking again in the backseat as he explained to her who Karina was, but Hyunjin squeezed your hand, voice lowering, "I can't believe you didn't immediately tell me. I'm so proud of you. You know that, right?"
You flushed, "I didn't do anything yet."
"You're going to. You'll be great at it." He whispered, one hand lifting yours to press a kiss to it, other on the steering wheel. The tenderness of the gesture melted you. He was proud of you, and you hadn't even done anything yet.Ā
I love you. You wanted to tell him. I love you more than anything. There were so many instances you almost slipped up and said it. But there was a time and place for it, and maybe the first time you say it to him should be special, and it should just be the two of you and not when you were fighting to be heard over French rock, but you figure he must already knew how much you loved him. Wasn't it obvious to everyone in the world? You bit your tongue and smiled, "Thank you. I'm proud of you too."Ā
Another rock song queued up, louder, messier. Hyunjin cranked the volume higher and leaned into it, mouthing all the words. You watched him in awe. Of course he knew French. It's not like he was already the sexiest version of himself he could be. He was singing along, but mostly laughing at his friends attempts in the backseat. Kairi was yelling the lyrics, a mumble of French and Korean.
"What does this song even mean?" You laughed, trying to look up the lyrics. Hyunjin looked at you, and you were surprised he heard you over the loud music, "It meansā¦everything is working out for me."
You smiled, cheeks hurting from the frequency of your smiles, "I like the sound of that."Ā
Hyunjin drove fast, and the further up the hill he drove, the windier it seemed to get outside and you peered out your window. āWeāre almost here!ā Hyunjin announced over the music, rolling his window down just a tad. A rush of icy wind tore through the car, and snow scattered across your lap. You laughed as it melted instantly against the heat inside, dampening your thighs.
āAre we even gonna be able to see the meteors?ā Chan asked, craning his neck toward the windshield. āThe snow is relentless.ā
Hyunjin just nodded, unbothered, his eyes on the road. āItās supposed to stop in ten minutes.ā
āOkaay,ā you said, half-laughing, āI don't know how we're getting out to watch the shower. It's fucking freezing outside!ā
The car came to a stop. Hyunjin glanced at them in the rearview mirror, then at you.āWeāre not getting out,ā he said simply.
You blinked at him, confused. āWhat?ā
He was grinning now, a boyish smile tugging at his lips. āOkay⦠this better work.ā
And then he pressed a button.
There was a mechanical whir, low at first, then louder, followed by a rush of cold air as the roof began to retract. Snowflakes swirled into the car like confetti, the night sky opening above you inch by inch. For a second, nobody spoke. The car filled with the sound of wind and your own startled laughter as you realized what was happening. āThereās actually no fucking way.ā Chan exclaimed.
āYou rented a fucking convertible?ā You gasped, raising your voice to be heard over the wind. Hyunjin let out a giggle, smiling at you, eyes nervous, āYou like it? They said I could rent any car and I just thoughtā¦.why the hell not?ā
"This is insane." Kairi laughed. So this was why he'd asked you to bundle up warm tonight.
āAre you kidding? This is perfect.ā You reached over the armrest, unable to stop yourself. Hyunjin was laughing, hair whipping in the fast wind, dimples flashing and then you were kissing him, your hand fisted in the back of his neck to pull him to you. Too much force. Too much emotion but he melted into it immediately. His palm warm against your cheek, holding you steady as the cold air whipped around you. It was a scene from a film. Snowflakes fell into your hair, melting down your collar, but the carās heat and your lover's lips kept you warm.
You barely remembered Chan and Kairi were there until Kairiās giggles floated up from the backseat, half-drowned out by the music. That alone made you pull away, breathless, biting your lip. You'd never felt this desire to him as strong as now. Every time you thought you'd reached your peak, he did somethimg else and it got stronger everyday. Was this what it would be like to be in love for the rest of your life? Your frame of reference of happiness had changed. It was all his doing. A wave of lust and love overcame you as you spoke to him, āYouāre so fucking unbelievable.ā
Even as you were living it, you already knew it would be one of those memories youād replay forever, your cheeks aching as you felt the cold snow on your face. Hyunjin smiled, eyes bright as he tilted his chin toward the sky. āSee? I told you the snow would stop.ā
And he was right. The cloud cover was breaking. You tilt your head back for a better view, your chest full with a happiness so sharp it hurt.
āAny minute now,ā Chan mumbled. The car was still blasting rock. A playlist of Hyunjin's youād never heard till now, a new side to him. The head-bopping, French-singing side. You reached into your bag for your camera, fingers fumbling through it. Before you could raise it, Hyunjinās hand found your thigh, grounding you, tugging you closer, getting your attention.
āY/N,ā he murmured. You looked up. just in time to see a streak rip across the sky. āFuck.ā Your breath caught in your throat. Another meteor followed, and another, each brighter than the last.
āThatās beautiful,ā Chan said softly. You glanced at Hyunjin, as if asking for permission and he nodded, like he could read your mind so well. He knew you so well. No one in the world knew you like he did.Ā
You stood up inside the car as you were, hands resting on the windsheld for balance. Hyunjin steadied you with your hands on your waist. From here, you could see it so clearly. Streaks of stars across the sky, zipping fast so beautifully. You could never recreate this feeling again, but you'd damn sure try. You were blessed to be an artist after all.
You watched the sky in silence. It reminded you of being on top of the Chateau with Hyunjin, when he showed you all the stars and the lights.
āWhat do you think?ā Hyunjin asked, his voice quiet, like he didnāt want to break the spell. You looked back down at him. His face was tilted up toward you, eyes wide, pupils blown, like he was starstruck too. In the irises of his eyes, you could see the reflection of the sky, and of the burning meteors. And in that moment, you loved him more than youād ever thought possible. It was an impossible feeling, bursting to be let out of your chest.
You immediately bent toward him, acting on instinct and no thought. I love you. I'm so lucky to love you. He met you halfway, neck craned up, hand on your waist as you stood in the car and he sat in it and you kissed each other halfway.
You couldnāt believe this was your life. That he was real. That this boy who used to feel like a faraway teenage dream to you, was now kissing you under a meteor shower.
Hyunjin deepened the kiss, his tongue slipping into your mouth and you were missing the rest of the meteor shower. You didn't care because there was a cosmic event everytime you two kissed. Your body felt like it was on fire, the cold wind on your cheeks, in your hair, his hands grounding you in place. If you let your inhibitions take over you, you'd strip off the fabric between you right this second so you could feel him in you.Ā
Youād never felt as alive as you did right now. You pulled back to breathe, head falling up to the sky again as streaks of meteors followed. You didnāt know how long they would last so you watched in urgent awe.
āGive me your camera,ā Hyunjin mumbled, still breathless. You handed it over, and he leaned back in his seat, snapping pictures to capture the moment before it was over.
When the rush finally calmed, you sat down again, sinking into your seat, eyes on the sky. After a few moments, Hyunjin stretched out across the seat and you lay across him, head resting on his chest. Your feet rest on the window. This way, you had a perfect view of the sky and of him. It was so beautiful.
Chan and Kairi slipped out of the car, crunching through the snow so he could take pictures of her against the view. Their voices drifted back to you in fragments. Kairi was giggling, āTheyāre so obvious.ā
āYou think theyāve said it yet?ā Chanās whisper carried, low but clear enough to set your heart racing. The rest broke off with the wind. You leaned forward, straining, but theyād turned away, words swallowed by the night. āYou cold?ā Hyunjin asked, distracting you from dissecting Chanās words, and you looked back up at him. Even from this angle, he looked perfect, like his face was assembled by the gods, structured perfectly. You shook your head, āNo, Iām great.ā
He smiled, eyes flickering over your body, āYou have goosebumps.ā
āProbably because youāre so close to me.ā You whispered. He rubbed his hands over your arms, āWe should probably close the top.ā
āNoo. It's fine.ā You didnāt want the moment to end. He sighed, āI donāt want you to get sick.āĀ
He was probably right. You sat up, twisted to face him, āYouāre sweet.ā
āOkay. Just a few minutes longer.ā He smiled. You sat back, enjoying this while it lasted. The meteors were less frequent now, but still prominent through the wispy clouds. Hyunjin held you close, hand holding yours, enjoying the sight. When you looked out, Chan and Kairi were sharing a kiss of their own, quiet and tender in the snow. Hyunjin was watching them too. You squeezed his hand, pulling his gaze back to you. āThe last time you brought me out to stargaze, you were telling me about them. Do you remember?ā
His lips curved. āOf course I remember. The night I kissed you for the first time.ā
āAfter you spent the whole night insisting we were just friends to anybody who would listen.ā
āI know.ā He chuckled, leaning in. āI remember.ā
You smiled at him. Youād come so far from then. The emotions overcame you, and you sat up, kissing him again. Hyunjin grabbed your thigh, kissing you back, mumbling, āYouāre happy tonight.ā
āOf course I am.ā You mumbled between pecks. Because I love you. Because I'm gonna love you for the rest of my happy, perfect life. He pulled you to him, and your body was half on his, half on the armrest.
āOkay! We ready to be warm again?ā Chan interrupted, poking his head through the window. Hyunjin only laughed, refusing to break the kiss as he reached blindly for the button. The roof started slowly closing up on you.
Chan watched you two, "Actually, I feel bad breaking up your moment. Since you were so nice to drive us here, let me drive us back."
"Chan, you don't have toā"
"No, I want to. Get in the back, kids." He motioned. So, you and Hyunjin slid into the back as Kairi and Chan took your seats. They rolled the windows up, and the car was getting warm again. You still had goosebumps, and Hyunjin handed you his own jacket, draping it over your body as you looked out the window. He would never let you be cold. Chan drove out, switching out the rock for a rap playlist. You glanced at Hyunjin, and he was already smiling at you, head resting against the seat, a lazy smile on his features.
"Thank you for doing this. That was amazing." You mumbled. His voice was low, eyes hooded, "I did it for you. To see you smile like this."
"Everything you do makes me smile." You admitted. He wrapped his arm around you, pulling you into him to kiss him. Chan and Kairi were talking, the music was still loud, it didn't seem like they cared about what you were doing in the back. "That was one of my favorite memories." You sighed into his mouth. Hyunjin grabbed your thigh, hooking it over his, so you were even closer to him than before. He kissed you, still touching you tenderly. Your hand dropped to his lap, but you restrained yourself.Ā
"Heyā¦the driver would really appreciate if we keep all arms and legs inside the vehicle and don't have sex in the backseat." Chan mumbled, with a half-laugh. Hyunjin's eyes snapped open, his face immediately going red, "We're notā¦"
You giggled. For a second, it seemed like Hyunjin might pull away. But then his arm tightened around you, holding you firmly against him so you wouldn't move away. Chan and Kairi were talking again up front, distracted, but Hyunjinās focus was entirely on you. You pulled back, "Will you come over tomorrow? Iā¦want to work on the canvases with you."
He nodded, "Of course I'll come." His mouth found yours once more, slower now, deliberate, like he wanted to prove something. Your heart pounded as you kissed him back, settling into his arms, letting him feel you up all the way home.Ā
The car hummed with warmth as Chan drove you back. You curled deeper into Hyunjin's chest, deeper into him, your cheek rising and falling with his chest. Chan and Kairiās voices had quieted to a low murmur in the front, the music looping into softer songs now, but you barely noticed. All you felt was his arm around you, his thumb tracing circles against your back, heartbeat strong beneath your ear.
»»āāāā-
You woke to Hyunjin shaking you awake, whispering your name. You hadn't realised you'd fallen asleep in the car, on your way home from the meteor shower, head buried in his chest.
"Hey." He was whispering against your ear, lips against your skin. You unwillingly opened your eyes, looking up at him in your sleep-muddled state, "Hyun."
He smiled at you like an angel, "We're almost there."
"Is she awake?" Chan was asking from the front. You sat up, a yawn escaping, "Yes. Sorry."
"Don't be. It's good you slept through all the traffic." He smiled, "I think we're twenty minutes out from your place."
"Did you need the directions?" You cleared your throat, waking yourself up. Chan looked at you through the rearview mirror, "No, Hyunjin knows the way. Don't worry about it."
You nodded, covering another yawn, "I can't believe I fell asleep."
Hyunjin's arm was around you, playing with your hair, "Don't be sorry. It's probably the cold."
"Thanks for driving us back, Chan." You said. He nodded, but his voice had dropped, "Of course."
His eyes kept flickering to the rearview mirror.
"Everything okay?" Kairi asked him. Chan nodded, "Yeah, yeah. Justā¦has that car always been behind us?"
On instinct, you and Hyunjin turned around. The road wasn't too busy anymore, but you could see a dark car trailing behind you. Hyunjin frowned, "Not sure."
Chan shifted in his seat, "I feel like I saw it twenty minutes ago, on the freeway."
Kairi's tone changed, "Are you serious?"
"What does that mean?" You asked them.Ā
The atmosphere suddenly seemed tense. Hyunjin squeezed you, "Don't worry about it. It's probably just a coincidence."
"I'm gonna make a turn here." Chan spoke, pulling into a random alley, "Let's see what this guy does."
You were still half-asleep, trying to make sense of their hesitation. You turned around, peering through the back window. Sure enough, the car turned into the alley too, slowly.
"This fucker." Chan mumbled, under his breath.
"What is it?"Ā
He let out a sigh, "Someone's been following us."
"What?"
"It's probably the paparazzi. Someone from the news outlet. They always have those sedans. He's been trailing us for about an hour. I can't believe I missed this."
Your eyes widened, and you glanced at Hyunjin. He looked stressed, staring out the window, jaw clenched. You asked, "So whatā¦what does that mean? He knows we're in here?"
Chan replied, getting back onto the main street, "No, probably not all of us. But he must have realised it's a company rented car. I think he has an idea. He's probably waiting for us to stop, hoping to figure out who's in here."
"Soā¦what should we do?" You asked. Kairi and Hyunjin were both unnaturally quiet. They acted like this was normal, being followed by a stranger in the night. Your heart was pounding so hard.
Chan looked around, checking the side mirrors, "Weā¦probably can't drive you home, Y/N. This guy will find out where you live."
You leaned forward, zipping up your jacket, "Oh. Okay."
Hyunjin was still quiet and his arm dropped from your side. Chan glanced at you, "I'm trying to figure out... You might have to get out at the next turn. Before he follows or sees you get out. I could take you to the closest subway."
You nodded, "Right. Okay. That's fine." You immediately grabbed your bag, fastening up your shoes.Ā
"It's four am. We can't leave her at a subway station alone, Chan." Hyunjin spoke up. You glanced at him. His jaw was clenched tight, and you could see the anger in his eyes.
"Do you have a better idea, Hyunjin? Because this dude is relentless." Chan responded.
"Iā¦I'll be fine." You said, hand on Hyunjin's arm, reassuring him even though you were scared. But you couldn't show him that. This is the stuff you'd signed up for to be with him even though it terrified the hell out of you.Ā
"I can go with her." Kairi offered.
"Guys, I don't need that. I'll be fine on my own. I'll just get on the next train home." You said, looking between them.
"I mean, I have to get out anyway." Kairi glanced at you, "This guy's probably gonna follow them all the way back to their dorms."
"He's about fifty yards behind us. I think if I pull up under an overpass, that'll get you enough time to get out before he makes you." Chan added.
"Fucking hell." Hyunjin spoke, louder now, "I swear, I want to see this guy's face."
"No, that sounds like a terrible idea." Kairi said, an image of ever present calm despite her harsh tone, "This is who they are. They're doing their jobs. They're not gonna stop."
"Hyun, I'll be fine." You said to him, trying to get him to look at you. He sighed, "I'm sorry. This is my fault."
"Hyunjin." You interrupt him, "It's fine. I'll be fine. I had an amazing night regardlessā"
"We can't leave them in the middle of the street, Chan. It's late. It's not safe." He interrupted, like he hadn't heard you. He wasn't even looking at you, only responding to Chan.
"We don't really have a choice, Hyunjin." Chan responded, speeding up so he could pull under the overpass, "Okay, I'm pulling in now. We'll have a red light between us. The subway should be right down the block."
You grabbed your purse, and Kairi unbuckled her belt. You had seconds to get out, before the guy saw you were in their car. All of your sleep had vanished into adrenaline.Ā
"Come on." Kairi said, pushing open her door in urgency. You got out, glancing back at Hyunjin quickly. His eyes were on yours for a split second, unsettling, upset, angry. You didn't know what to say. Kairi closed the doors behind you, looking at Chan, "I love you. Don't worry about us."
Before you could say anything to Hyunjin, the light had changed to green. Kairi pulled you away from the car, just in time. They drove off fast, and Kairi tugged you into the subway steps, rushing down the stairs so fast you were running, stumbling over your steps. The subway station was dinghy, empty save for a few people.
"That was crazy." You mumbled, trying not to think of the expression on Hyunjin's face and your heart was pounding so hard you thought you might pass out, "Is thatā¦normal?"
"Only a couple of times." She spoke, letting go of your hand so she could pay at the turnstile. You stopped in your tracks, the adrenaline suddenly catching up to you. Your knees felt weak. What the fuck just happened?
"Y/Nā¦" Kairi called out, looking back at you. Her gaze met yours, but she looked concerned.Ā
"Iā¦need a second." You tried to calm your breathing. She came up to you, "Y/Nā¦You look like you're going to pass out. Sit down."
You lowered yourself onto the steps, struggling to stay calm. "Iā¦I'm sorry. I'm freaking out."
Kairi bent down in front of you, "Hey, hey. Look at me. You're fine. We're fine, okay?"
"I justā¦I'm sorry. I don't mean toā¦I'm justā¦"
Her hands cradled your face, "I know, I know. It was really scary. I'm sorry to rush you. That was insane."
"That wasā¦crazy." You mumbled. Kairi looked around, spotting a 24/7 stall in the subway station, "I'm gonna get you some water. Okay. Stay seated. I'll be right back."
"Mmh-hmm." You nodded, dropping your head onto your knees. You were asleep only ten minutes ago and this literally felt a nightmare. Your eyes were brimming with tears. You needed to calm down. You were panicking. For no good reason. You were safe. Nothing had happened. This is just what you had to do to be with him. This was exactly what you'd signed up for. No big deal.
"Hey lady, you need help getting home?" A raspy voice interrupted. You looked up to see an older man stumbling towards you, a smile on his face. Your gaze moved to Kairi. She was still at the stall, digging into her jeans for coins for your water bottle.
"No, I'm fine." You responded, but your voice came out weak.
"Come on. You don't look so good. It's late. I'll take you home." He said, words slurring together as he came closer to you.
"Get the fuck away from her." Kairi said, walking over and in between you. The guy stopped in his tracks, gaze intense.
"Kairiā¦" You started to say, but the man rolled his eyes, "Whatever."
He walked away, and Kairi came to sit next to you, handing you the bottle of water. Your hand was shaking as you grabbed it and you hated yourself for being so weak. "Thank you." You spoke, sipping on it. She was peering at you, "Of course. The water should help."
"I'm sorry. I'm such a fucking pussy." You mumbled, taking a sip of the cold water.
"What? No. Thatā¦that was intense. Andā¦you literally were still half-asleep, I can't imagine how panicked you felt."
You shook your head, "No. I should be able to handle this better. Like you did."
"Y/Nā¦I've had years of practice. That's not fair to you. And this shit still freaks me out. Those press outlets are assholes. They make their money off our misery, and it's okay to be scared."
You looked up at her, voice trembling, "Please don't tell Hyunjin about this."
"What?"
"I don't want him to know that I freaked out."
"Why?" She frowned, searching your teary gaze.
"Becauseā¦he'll think I'm not ready for this. But I am. I can be strong about this."
"Y/Nā¦Hyunjin will understandā"
"I don't want him to know that I can't handle this." Your lip was trembling, "This stuff that's so easy for you guys, should be easy for me too. It has to be."
Kairi's expression softened, and it looked like she wanted to say something, but instead she just nodded, "Okay. I won't bring this up. But I hope you know that the way you're reactingā¦is normal. We shouldn't be used to this."
You swallowed, "I'm just glad we told you guys about us. It's selfish, I know. I'm being selfish for saying this but between the two of us, I don't think I could have handled this alone tonight."
She smiled, wiping a stray tear on your cheek, "You could have. And despite that, I still had a great night with you."
You nodded, trying to go back to the moment of the meteor shower, "Right. Me too. Iā¦had a great time."
"Let's get home, okay?" She grabbed your hand, helping you stand up. You waited on the platform. The crowd wasn't the best this late at night. Just as you got onto the train, your phone began buzzing. Hyunjin was calling you. You cleared your throat, picking up, hoping your voice sounded strong, "Hey."
"Y/N. Are you home?" His voice sounded frantic, cutting up as the train began moving underground.
"Not yet. I just got on the train."
"Are you okay?" He asked, after a pause, "Is Kairi still with you?"
"Yes. Iā¦" You locked eyes with Kairi "We're fine." His concern immediately wanted to make you cry again, but you held back. You had to be tougher than this.
"I'm sorry that happened." He was apologizing, but you could only hear him in pieces.Ā
"I can't really hear you. I'm on the train. I gotta go."
"Y/Nā¦" He started to say something, but the line went dead. You hung up, staring at Kairi. She leaned against the pole, eyes heavy on yours, "You good?"
You nodded, trying to think back to how perfect the night had been, relishing in that memory.
»»āāāā-
It was your birthday next week, and there was a leak in your apartment.Ā
Not that those two things were related, but it had unfortunately made all your days pass by trying to come up with solutions. In theory, it was a great distraction from your inner turmoil.Ā
You immersed yourself in your art, bringing your body back to stasis. The events of the night of the meteor shower still hung heavy on you, and you'd told Hyunjin it didn't affect you. It did. But you wouldn't complain about it, this is exactly what you'd signed up for when you agreed to jump headfirst into this relationship. Sometimes you wish you could just run away to a place no one knew the two of you. It would mean giving up everything in his life, and in yours, but it could feel worth it.
You'd resorted to painting art for your apartment, little canvases that you hung up by the door, by the bed, by the kitchen. Hyunjin was busy with holiday schedules, but he checked in on you, every day, every night before you slept. You hadn't talked yet about what happened despite all the times he unsuccessfully tried to bring it up. You didn't really know what to say. You didn't want to talk about it. It was the biggest I told you so. He knew this could happen, that's why he'd pushed you away for so long. Crying about it would mean admitting defeat. It would mean admitting he was right all those months ago to not pursue you.Ā
Tonight he was supposed to be at a big award show, so you sat in front of the TV, with your big canvases laid out, catching glimpses at it. Soon he would be flying out to another country, miles away from you. You would have to be strong and get through this alone. And then you would be a year older, and then the year would change and everything would be fine and this would just be a distant memory.Ā
You dipped your paint in the mug of water, painting the outlines of your art. You recognised a few of the people on the TV, some friends of his that he'd mentioned but it was like watching a broadcast from another world. You didn't really know any of those people and never would. You could never really meet his famous friends.Ā
As you painted, you wondered if you should do something for your birthday after all. It could be a last resort to cheer yourself up. You stared at the television, hoping to catch a glimpse of him or his band. They were supposed to perform. He'd been rehearsing for that all month. As you waited, you mentally made a list of people to invite to your hypothetical party, people you knew in the city, but halfway through that activity you realise you didn't really care about the random classmates you'd only known for two months. If it was up to you, you'd spend your day with him. But he wouldn't even be here for it. He would be a thousand miles away at a fashion show and he would never even know it was your birthday.
You painted in silence, focusing on the art, on the award show in the back. Seeing him on TV was surreal. It was distant. You wish he were here.Ā
There was a knock at your door. You reached for your remote, muting the broadcast and walked over. It was probably Jeongin, asking you to grab Khao Soi again. You yanked the door open, thick blanket hanging around your shoulders, a symbol of your internal mourning.
But Hyunjin stood there, real and in the flesh and not on your TV screen, leather trench coat over his body, a bag in his hand, relief in his eyes at seeing you. "Hi." He smiled, leaning against your doorframe. Your eyes widened and you didn't feel prepared, "I thought you were at the award show."
"I was. Until I left." He said, "Can I come in? It's freezing in your hallway."
"Um. Yes." You stepped aside to make room for him. In all the time you'd been together, he hadn't been able to come up to your apartment. You were confused at the award show that was still playing, "Isn't the broadcast live?"
"No, we prerecorded our performances. We're not winning any more awards tonight so... Chan said it'd be fine if I left. Everyone's too busy celebrating our win to notice I'm gone." He walked over to your couch, observing the TV and the mess on the floor, "Why is all your stuff here?"
"I've been sleeping on the couch." You admitted. Hyunjin's head whipped to you, "Why?"
"There's a leak in my bedroom." You stated. At those words, he walked into your room and you mindlessly followed him, blanket trailing behind you. Hands on his hips, he said, "Your bed is wet."Ā
"I know. A pipe must have burst when it froze over cause of the snowstorms." You looked back at the broadcast on TV that until now you had thought was live, "You're sure they're not going to be wondering where you are?"Ā
Hyunjin laughed, stepping up to you, "So many questions. You're not happy to see me?"
"No, I am. Of course I am. I just wasn't expecting you. You haven't been to my place in weeks. I didn't even know you were allowed to come here."
"Well, all my managers are at the award show soā¦no one's gonna be looking for me tonight. I wanted to come see you."
"Oh. That'sā¦nice."
"I know." He laughed, and then stepped closer to you, "How are you feeling? Iā¦was worried about you and I wanted to apologise."
"Apologise? For what?ā You were confused. He swallowed hard, Adam's apple bobbing, "For not comforting you in the car. For letting my anger take over my concern. Iā¦I was seeing red. I was ashamed. I shouldn't have let that happen."
Your heart squeezed at the apology. Had he been blaming himself this whole time? You stepped up to him, "No. What you're not going to do is blame yourself. Because if you're here to do that, then you should leave. It wasn't your fault, no matter how you twist it to feel like that."
His eyes narrowed, "Y/Nā¦butā¦"
"But what?"
He spoke, "I thought you were upset at me. You haven't really talked to me about that night andā¦you know you can tell me anything, right? I'm not going to judge you for your feelings. Or for anything, ever. If you hate me for what happened, you can say that. I can take it."
Hate you? I love you.
"That's not it. I'm sorry I've been avoiding talking about itā¦" Your voice and gaze fell to the floor."It's selfish."Ā
"Hey." He stepped closer, "Haven't I told you before? You can be selfish around me all you want."
"I just⦠After the night of the meteor shower, I feltā¦" You swallowed, "scared. Not because of what happened, but I justā¦" You trailed off, words hanging off your tongue. Hyunjin took a step closer, lifting your chin to look at him, "I'm listening, baby."
"I was worried I wasn't cut out for this life, and that you'd see that."
"I'm never going to think anything like that about you. I'm the one putting you through it. In fact, you literally took it better than I did. What happened that night was a close call. It was fucked up. And I know you were scared, because I was scared. And in this life, I'm surrounded by people like that⦠vultures, but they didn't get anything. Nothing's gonna happen to you."
Your eyes met his.
"To us." He clarified, "Nothing's gonna happen to us, baby."
"Is it always like that?ā You swallowed. He nodded, "In Seoulā¦It's really bad."Ā
"Rightā¦you should move out then." You mumbled. He laughed, a bubbly sound that made your chest glow, "We should. Don't worry. I'm not letting them get you, okay? You're mine, andā¦I'm going to protect you, best I can."
"I'm also going to protect you. The life you've built for yourself is too good." You leaned up on your tiptoes to hug him, whispering into his neck, "Thanks for checking in on me. Are you sure it's okay that you're here?"
"Yes." He repeated, without hesitation, "Even if it's not okay, I'd be here." He pulled back from the hug, stroking your cheek, "Soā¦what were you upto? Watching me on TV and painting?"
You flushed, throwing your blanket off to the side, "Well, now that you're here, you wanna help me paint?"
His lips curved into a smile, "I'd love that. But firstā¦do you have a sweater I could borrow?"
"What happened to your clothes?" You asked, realising he was still in his coat and hadn't taken it off. He laughed, "Well. I just performed andā¦" He then unbuttoned his coat, showing you what he had on underneath.
You had to make an effort to not have your jaw drop. He was in a sheer bodysuit that hugged him tight, exposing his chest and abs through the see through material. Then he had on tight leather pants, too tight in the crotch. You stifled a giggle, hand covering your mouth. If only to hide your insane desires.Ā
"Something funny?" He raised an eyebrow. You shook your head, hiding your smile, "No, I can probably give you Yeonjun's pajamas. He left a pair here a few weeks ago."
He looked so out of element. In a fancy stage outfit in your drafty, leaky little bedroom. You giggled, watching him like this. Hyunjin walked over to your drawers, grabbing the sweatpants and hoodie from the bottom drawer, "I love that you find this hilarious."
"I'll be in the living room. Find me when you're done." You sang, walking back to your canvas. You turned the broadcast off, catching your reflection in the TV. You unfurled another empty canvas board, one you'd gotten at half off price from the Haedong art store, making room for the two of you.Ā
After ten minutes, he joined you, and sat cross-legged on your living room floor. In Yeonjun's soft white sweater and sweats. He'd pushed the sleeves up till his forearms. He looked like a dream. He'd messed up his hair, taking it out of its styling and hairspray but there was still dark makeup on his lids. His lips were still glossy and cheekbones still pink from his stage makeup. "Feel better?" You asked. He nodded, "Mmh. So much. The outfit was so tight. It's nice to finally breathe again. And it had no pockets. I had to hold my phone in my hand the whole time."
You smiled, nipping away at your painting, "Wow. You're qualified at girl talk now."
He laughed, "Oh am I? I thought I didn't meet the only parameter."
You looked up at him, shrugging, "I'll let you off the hook."
His eyes crinkled, and then he looked around, "So you've been sleeping on the couch for a week."
You'd pushed your couch to the side, making enough space on the floor for both your canvases and all of your painting supplies. The canvases were large enough for you to sit on. You dipped your brush into the purple color palette, "Yeah. My back hurts though. I think it was a bad idea to get a couch off Facebook marketplace."
"I would say you could stay with meā¦" He said, staring at his empty canvas. You shook your head, shrugging, "And if your manager found out, he would positively kill me. It's fine. I didn't mind."
He opened your art pouch, picking a few paintbrushes out, "So where will we put these up?"
"I was thinking the wall by the kitchen." You said, painting light strokes into your background color. You peeked at him, "What are you gonna make? Are you sure you're not too tired from the show?"
"No, are you kidding me? This is the best way to relax." He smiled, tapping his chosen paintbrush on the floor before he started digging around your box of paints, "and I've only been making flowers these days. Thinking of making a vase that holds them."Ā
You nodded, reaching over to grab the blue paint bottle, "How was the award show? You and the boys looked really good at the red carpet. Han really has a way with cameras. He's so charming."
"Ouch. And not me?ā He feigned hurt. You rolled your eyes, "Obviously you looked good. So confident. That outfit was made for your body."
"It was good. The usual. We had a great performance, although our managers were insisting that we lipsync to avoid any issues. Chan fought back. We always prefer singing live."
"Why does it always seem like they're against you guys? I mean, they're your managers. Isn't their sole purpose to be helpful to you?" You sat up to pause and stretch. He laughed, "You'd think. To them, we're a brand. But they're good people, and they work really hard for our success. It doesn't feel right to always complain about them, I guess."
You frowned, "You're a saint for dealing with all of this."
He looked at your canvas. You'd started filling in the background, painting in big strokes while he held the thinnest paintbrushes. You two approached it so differently. You needed to see the big picture first before you could dive into the details, but it seemed like he started from the little details. He was painting little petals into a vase that didn't exist yet.
Hyunjin bent over his canvas, stretching his legs out over the floor, using the smallest brush possible to add in details to the petals. You looked at him, "I'm glad we're making these. I feel like we talked about this forever ago, but isn't it crazy how long it took us to actually paint together?"
Hyunjin nodded, and his nose was inches from his canvas, focusing on the flower stems, "I know. Life has a funny way of getting away from you."
"I've missed painting with you." You realised, and all of your anxiety from the week was fading away. You were already so calm seeing him, having him in your space so close to you, watching him at his best.Ā
"I know." He bit his lip, looking up at you, "I'm sorry, the schedule has been insane. I've been taking more vocal lessons before our next albumā¦and there's been way too many fittings before the fashion week. It's not an excuse though."
"When do you leave?"
"Tomorrow." He said, "I fly back next Saturday."
So he would miss your birthday. But you knew that. "Tomorrow morning?"
He nodded, "Flight leaves at six."
"They really expect you to perform onstage and then get on a ten hour flight?ā You asked. He smiled, "Actually having these few hours off is unusual in itself. Sometimes we go to the airport right from a schedule, still in our stage outfits."
You shook your head, tutting, "I don't know you how do it."
"You haven't told me what you're making yet." Hyunjin said, watching your canvas. It was only a blend of blue as of now.
"I'mā¦painting the meteor shower that we saw."
"Ohā¦" Hyunjin realised. You nodded, "Mmh."
"Romantic." Hyunjin smiled, sitting up to take a sip of the drinks you'd brought out earlier. He looked at you for a few seconds, and it looked like he wanted to say something but he held back.
"What?" You asked.
"Nothing, Iā¦" He shook his head. His lips twitched into a smile, and then he went back to focus on his canvas.Ā
"Tell me, Hyun."
He looked back up at you, a revered look on his face, "Just can't believe I'm here with you. A crazy part of my brain likes to believe I'm dreaming and that I have to pinch myself to remind me this is real. That it's not some fever dream I made up after leaving Daejon."
"Shut up."
"What?" He laughed.
"My brain does that too."
"Does it?"
"I feel like I've been dreaming since I saw you."
His eyes traveled over your face, "Then I hope we never have to wake up."
"Morbid."
He laughed. You were quiet for a few minutes, starting to draw in the outlines of the meteors. The soft sounds of bristles was the only one in the room. Hyunjin wordlessly passed you the paints you'd need for it, and you slid over the thicker brushes to him when he started working on the vase. It worked so well.
"I always have trouble with painting glass." He mumbled, squinting at his piece, "I should have just made an opaque vase so I wouldn't have to worry about it."
"Ugh yeah. Glass can be tricky. I used to hate doing it." You agreed. Hyunjin sat up again, resting on his heels, stretching over his head. You tried not to let it distract you, his sweater lifting up right in your view.
He quietly watched you paint.
"You'reā¦so good at that." He spoke bluntly, hands resting on his knees as he watched you. You looked up at him, realising he'd stopped painting and was just observing you.
"You have paint on your pants." You pointed out. He was still holding onto the white paintbrush, streaks of white on his knees now. He didn't seem to care though, and he continued, "I don't know how you do it. It's like you've already seen the painting in your head and you're just bringing it to life."
You glanced up at him again, pausing, "Well, that's what you're doing too, Hyun."
"No, not really. It's coming to me as I paint. It can change at any moment, but youā¦you already know exactly where your hands' gonna go, what color is next. You're not even thinking about it. That's insane to me."
"Iā¦guess it just comes with practice." You stated, heart-warming at his simple observations, going back to blend in the skies.
"No, it comes with extraordinary talent. You're perfect at what you do." He said simply. You shook your head, "Thank you butā¦perfect is saying a lot."
"You're not listening to me then. Look at me." He said. You set down your brush to the side, giving him your full attention, chin in your hand, "Yes?"
"You don't see the difference?" He pointed at his work and then yours. You frowned, "Your art is amazing, Hyunjin."
"That's not it. What I'm doing comes with practice and classes and tutorials. You can see that. Everything I've done on this canvas is something I learnt from someone, but everything you're doing comes from within. It's innate."
You thought over his words, distracted by his passion as he explained it. He continued, waving his hand and paintbrush about, "That painting already exists in you. You're justā¦translating it onto paper."
You'd never heard something as simply profound as that. "Butā¦I'm still learning every day, Hyunjin."
"It's not the same. Iā¦don't know how to explain to you what I'm feeling. I wish you could read my mind."
"I do understand. I just think you're cutting yourself too short." You sat up, "Everything you doā¦comes from within too. Like okay maybe not painting glass vases, but your danceā¦your singing⦠The way you see things."
He had a faint smile on his face. It was like you and him were always in a compliment battle, trying to have the upper hand in convincing the other that they were perfect. He let out a sigh, looking down at his unfinished vase, "You mind lending me a hand with this when you're done?"
"If you want me to."
"I do."
So you dropped your paintbrushes on the tissues, crawling over to his canvas. It was so large it took up all the space in your living room. Hyunjin shifted, only slightly, for you to sit in front of his painting. You sat on your knees, and he sat behind you, cross-legged, watching your every move. You grabbed a thin brush, dipping it in translucent white, hovering it over the piece, "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure." He responded, "You're not gonna ruin it."
You giggled, "Reassuring."
Slowly, you started to draw onto his canvas. You were only helping him out with the glass texture; you'd done it many times before and he hadn't.
It felt intimate to draw onto his canvas, blending your strokes with his as Hyunjin watched over your shoulder. His hands settled gently onto your waist, grounding you and sending a warmth through your skin. Your breath hitched slightly, and you found it hard to focus on anything but the grounding sensation of his hands, large and reassuring.Ā
You paused, brush hovering above the canvas. His proximity was intoxicating, making you aware of every movement, every breath shared. "Keep going," he murmured, his voice a gentle command.
So, you did. Each stroke took effort as you filled in the blanks of his painting. Your strokes and his slowly became one, the boundaries blurring between you until you couldn't tell which was his and which was yours.Ā
His hands suddenly wrapped around you completely, sliding under your sweater and touching your bare skin. You couldn't really breathe, not when he was this close. But you willed yourself to focus on the task at hand, painting with a steadiness you didn't feel inside. Your heart was racing.
You dipped the brush lightly into the pale blue, swirling it with a hint of white, deciding it was best to talk him through it. After all, he did want to learn from you. "Soā¦the key is not actually painting the glass itself.ā
Hyunjin tilt his head, confused but following you closely. You continued, āYou paint whatās around it. The reflections, the highlights. Glass doesnāt really have a color, right? Itās just picking up everything near it. So if the backgroundās warm, you use warmer colors. If itās coolā¦ā you dragged the brush in a faint arc across the vase, āā¦you use cool tones like this. And the trick is to not do too much. That emptiness is what makes it look transparent.ā
He hummed, watching your hand carefully.
āYou have to let the light trick the eye into seeing it.ā
Hyunjinās breath brushed your shoulder as he leaned even closer, eyes following every flick of your wrist. āGod. You make it sound so easy.ā
āItās not me.ā You laughed softly. āIt's justā¦practice."
His gaze stayed fixed on your hands moving across the canvas, but his voice was low. āDo you even know how insane it is to watch you do this? Youāre not just painting glass. Youāre showing me the way you see things. No wonder Iāā He cut himself off, lips parting like heād almost said too much.
You turned your head to look at him. He was so close to you, face inches from yours, body pressed up behind yours. You breathed, staring into his eyes, "What were you going to say?"
His eyes were blown wide, eyelashes fluttering prettily, "Nothing. Iā¦keep going."
"Okay." You nodded, turning back to the canvas but you felt dizzy. Your strokes and his had blended so perfectly, they were one. You were like one. You could feel his chest move with yours, hyperaware of every breath. Your hands were trembling. You couldn't move them.
"Why'd you stop?" Hyunjin asked, voice soft. You willed yourself to focus, but he was making it impossible. He leaned in, tucking his head in your shoulder, leaving a kiss on your neck. You stilled, "Hyunā¦"
"Keep goingā¦" He mumbled, leaving another kiss on your neck, mouth moving soft over your skin. You swallowed, gut twisting with desire, hoping the paintbrush would stay steady as you added another stroke. Hyunjin's hands moved further up, sliding under your sweater, and you dropped the paintbrush entirely, paint drops splattering on your wooden floor as his fingers grazed your bra.
"What is it?" Hyunjin asked, speaking into your shoulder, between kisses, "Am I distracting you?"
"Uh-huhā¦" You mumbled, head falling back as he squeezed your tits through your bra. His hands were big, pulling back the cup of your bra to touch your bare skin. His hands were cold, his silver bracelets making you shiver. You felt like putty, for him to mold, to play with, to do whatever he wanted with.Ā
He licked a strip of skin up your neck, whispering, "Your pulse is racing."
You let him kiss you neck, to suck it, like he couldn't get enough of you. In the reflection of your TV, you could see how sinful you looked. He was holding you from behind, slowly pulling you up onto his lap. The paint on his pants was now on yours. You turned your head, nose bumping against his. He looked right at you, pupils wide with desire, lips wet with his own spit, "Kiss me."
Your eyes widened. He was handing control to you. Letting you take over. So you obviously did. You closed the distance between you, mouth crushing his too fast. Lips crashing against each other, moulding, moving. He tugged you onto his lap entirely, still facing away from him, your head tilted back to kiss him. He still felt you up, mumbling your name in between. Your hand slipped, knocking against the mug of paintbrushes. It didn't startle him. He kept kissing you.
"What about your painting?" You breathed. He chased your mouth, squeezing your tits, "Fuck the painting."
You couldn't help but agree. You were losing your mind the longer he kissed you, all tongue in your mouth like he was trying to become one with you. You squirmed with each sensation, struggling with this crazy desire, with how quickly things had taken a turn. His hand trailed down to your jeans, pausing at the buckle before popping open the button. Your voice was breathy, "Does itā¦does it turn you on? When I teach you things?"Ā
He pulled back, looking into your eyes at the same time he slid his hand into your pants. He mumbled between kisses, "Fuck. Yes. Hearing you speakā¦I can't help myself. You're so talented. Seeing you like that makes me go insane. So fucking focused and concentrated. It's so hot."
His fingertips grazed the thin fabric of your underwear and you were trembling, a gasp escaping. He held you tighter with his free arm, keeping you steady against his chest. Your eyes fumbled shut, brain full of fuzz.
āYouāre shakingā¦I haven't even touched you yet.ā He murmured, almost in awe. His mouth pressed kisses down the slope of your neck as his fingers slid lower, teasing and pulling at the fabric until you couldnāt breathe, couldnāt think. Your gaze was blurry as you stared at him, "Please. I've missed you."
"Can I?" He mumbled, voice breathy. His eyes were full of a crazy desire, like he would swallow you whole. You nodded, completely at his mercy, as he dipped his thumb over you. It was like your Achilles heel. You jolted, so embarrassingly turned on. But you could feel how hard he was under you too. His fingers pushed past the thin cotton underwear and found you, and your head fell back against his shoulder instantly.Ā
You grabbed at his wrist, to ground yourself as he touched you ā slow at first, then more certain when he felt the way you squirmed, fingers swiping in circles. The sound of your breathing was loud, the faint scrape of his rings against your skin was cold. His voice was soft, "You're enjoying this, are you?"
You could only nod, eyes on his as he mumbled, "Turn around."
"What?" You could barely register, as he turned you around to face him. In a swift move, he picked you up and put you on the couch.
It was softer than the hardwood floor. More forgiving.
And he crawled on top of you, his body tall over you. He slid your sweatpants off, tauntingly slow down your legs, inch by inch. He kept looking back up, eyes meeting yours, hair falling in his face, making sure you were liking it, making sure he saw what he did to you, every reaction. He had made you a mess, overwhelmed with emotions and arousal. You'd never felt anticipation like this. Once they were off, he moved up to find your mouth and to kiss you again. You could feel him grabbing at your thigh, hooking his fingers into your skin. It was hard to keep your eyes open but you didn't want to miss a second of this. You'd been waiting so long.Ā
He pushed your sweater up, you shivered as his hands came into contact with your skin, but he kept going. A trail of kisses down your stomach. The realization of what he wanted to do sank into you. His face lay in between your legs, fingers hooked onto your underwear. He looked up at you, "Is this okay?"
The boy of your dreams was in the most compromising position known to man, and it wasn't okay. It was too good. Too perfect. Your gut was twisting at the sight of him. "Yesā¦please."
"Baby, look at me."
So you did. His pretty brown eyes were blown wide, a hopeful look on his face, "Are you sure?"
You nodded, an insane desire flooding you and you sat up to kiss him, "God. Don't ask me again."
He kissed you back hungrily, holding your face in his hands, "I've been dreaming about this."
And all you could do was look up at the ceiling, at your apartment's little lighting fixtures, at the paint peeling off the walls, as you felt him take off your panties. The ceiling was blue. You'd never noticed that. You stared at it because you couldn't look at him.Ā
You might implode if you did. Or explode. You wouldn't last. You'd never felt this kind of desire before. You'd never seen someone else feel this much desire towards you. It made you feel insane. You then felt his mouth on you, just a flutter. It was too much. You loved it. You immediately shifted, unable to help how your body reacted, and Hyunjin mumbled, hand flat on your stomach, and his voice was muffled and heavenly, "It's okay babyā¦"
You let yourself relax into it, to cherish this moment, to memorize how this felt. Eyes squeezed shut so you could feel every sensation. He was really doing this. His hands were hooked around your thighs, holding your legs open, and you felt his tongue on you. āHyunā¦ā Your voice broke on his name.
Everything about this felt unreal as he licked up your folds, tasting you in a way he never had before. You thought you might die.
He was so good at this. Who taught him how to do that? He was relentless, but he was so careful with you. He was soft and slow. He was torturous.
He knew just what to do with his tongue, the right places to flick it, and he set a pace that had you squirming in place. "Fuck." You could barely form a thought. You felt far too shy to look at him, it was too intimate and Hyunjin was seeing you in a way he never had before. You couldn't think anymore. You could just feel each flick of his tongue, riling you up. He was so fucking good. Your hand twisted in his hair, fingers curling in it, tugging at it. It only urged him to go faster. More passionate than he'd already been. It was too much. It was too good. Nothing human should feel this good.
Your gut twisted, a knot coiling within as it got tighter and tighter. You could feel his nose rub against you, and his tongue worked miracles. Your fingers gripped the back of the couch, digging deep into it to find some semblance of control.
He wouldn't even have to do much because you were already so riled up.Ā
You squeezed your eyes shut, hips jerking up and he held you in place. He didn't stop, and when it got far too much he rode you through your high. You tried to stifle your moans, biting down on your hand, but you were still so loud. It felt far too good to not be this loud. You're sure everybody in the building could hear you moan as Hyunjin ate you out.
His name came out in stutters and moans. It only pushed him more. You couldn't find it in you to be embarrassed, not when he was so relentless. His tongue flicked at you, licking you up, tasting you. He kept going, a hand on your stomach holding your body down, until your second high hit. You were even louder this time and your body was burning up.
And when it finally got too much, it's like he could feel it, like he felt everything you did, so with slow kisses, he stopped. You tried to catch your breath, chest moving up and down. A kiss on your thighs. Gently, he lift his head up to look at you. Your eyes were on him too. Something amazing had happened. His head between your legs, a smile on his face, you would never get that image out of your head.Ā
His hair was plastered to his forehead, his mouth wet. Slowly, he moved up, and you grabbed his face in your hands, "Hyunā¦"
"Was that good for you?" He asked, voice hoarse. You kissed him, holding him above you, "It wasā¦perfect. Thank you."
"God, I should be saying that to you. You taste like nothing I could have imagined." He mumbled. You entangled your arms around his neck, pulling him down to you and he shifted his body on top of yours so you could both be comfortable.
Your canvases lay unfinished on the floor. You'd forgotten all about them as you kissed him. He tasted like you. You lay like that, catching your breath, making out for what felt like hours. His hands were in your hair, stroking it gently. Lazily he kissed you, tongue in your mouth, hands on your body. You were just a normal couple then, intoxicated by each other, not being able to have enough of the other and nothing outside this room mattered.Ā
He pulled back from you, breathless, as if he suddenly remembered something, and there was a pause as he asked you so innocently, "Water?"
You didn't want to stop. Couldn't you kiss him till the sun rose? But you nodded and slowly sat up. He got up, adjusting his clothes. He walked over to your kitchen. The room was dimly lit. His movements were deliberate and thoughtful. You slid your underwear back on. Something had shifted in his energy. He moved with ease, a picture of innocence, like he hadn't just given you the best orgasm of your life.Ā
He walked back to the couch with two mugs of water, setting one in front of you before sitting down. His knee bounced like he couldnāt keep still. "Iā¦wanted to tell you something."
āYeah?ā You sipped on the water, but nothing except him could quench your thirst.
He shifted toward you, and his hair was still disheveled and his lips were still swollen, "I got you something."
"Oh?"
He reached into his bag, that lay next to the couch, " I've been wanting to give it to you for a while. I didn't think I'd be able to cause I was at the award show, butā¦I'd put it in my car earlier andā¦"
He handed it to you, it was wrapped in a delicate pink paper. It was heavy, and rectangular, like a big book.
"I wasn't expecting anything." You told him, resting the gift on your lap, "Iā¦don't have a gift for you."
He giggled, hand stroking your hair still, tucking it behind your ear, "Y/N. Justā¦open it."
You pulled at the white ribbon around it, unfurling the thin crepe paper. It was a book. A Vincent Van Gogh themed photobook. Your eyes widened, "Oh my god?"
He watched your expression carefully.
You ran your fingers over the matte cover. The cover was Sunflowers. "This is⦠gorgeous. It's perfect for me."
Hyunjin laughed, almost in relief. You looked up at him, delicately holding the book, "Oh my god. Thank you so much. Why did you get me this?"
"Wellā¦" His fingers traced your shoulder, "It's your birthday soon, isn't it?"
Your eyes widened, "How did you know that?"
He smiled. "Aren't you gonna open it?"
You couldn't wait. You reached forward, wrapping an arm around him to pull him into a thank you hug. It was an awkward position, because you were still holding the book on your lap and him on the other. "This is perfect, Hyun."
Hyunjin pulled back. There was an unreadable expression in his eyes, "Really?"
"I mean." You smiled, looking back at the book, "I love it so so much. Iā¦I really wasn't expecting anything, especially since I know you'll be flying out soon."
You turned it over to look at the back. It was printed in the Netherlands, "You got this from the Van Gogh museum?"
Hyunjin nodded, "I had it shipped. I think you should really open it."
You couldn't believe he'd done this for you, and you slowly flipped open the first page. There was an excerpt from the curator and then there were full-bleed images. They were prettier than you could imagine. The colors felt so real, like you were seeing the paintings with your own eyes, and not thousands of miles away from them. You flipped through, recognising every single work. Cafe Terrace at Night. His Self Portrait. The Bouquet of Flowers.
Hyunjin was watching you quietly. Suddenly, tears brimmed to your eyes. The art was so beautiful, and the fact that he bought this for you even more beautiful.
"Thank you so much," Your voice came out a whisper, "This is already the best birthday ever."
"Y/Nā¦what's wrong?" He asked, noticing the tear roll down your cheek, like he didn't expected you to have such a reaction. You felt embarrassed, shaking your head, "Iā¦just. It's the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me. Iā¦I've never received a gift like this ever. I didn't except you to get me anything, or know it's my birthday. Much less this book. It's perfect."
Hyunjin almost looked concerned, like he was nervous. Maybe he didn't know what to say. You felt embarrassed about your admittance, that no one in your life had known you well enough to gift you something like this. He must have had a lot of people like that in his life. But he really was one of a kind. Your voice broke as you said, trying to explain your crazy emotions because it was just a book but it meant the world to you, "Maybe that's weird butā¦this is just the most thoughtful thing someone's done for me."
You kept flipping through the book, pausing on the page of the Almond Blossoms.
A folded up envelope lay in the center of the pages.
"Oh, I think this is yours." You handed it to him, voice wavering from all the emotions, embarrassed, overwhelmed. This was already the best birthday ever because the love of your life picked something out, only for you. You would buy a coffee table just so you could display this book proudly on it. You'd carry it with you everywhere so you could stare at the pages and remember that he got it for you.
Hyunjin had a strange look in his eyes, as he watched you cry over this gift and maybe he hadn't expected you to love it so much, "Um, the envelopeā¦that's actually for you, Y/N. The book was justā¦a cover."
You were confused, not understanding him. Carefully, you rest the book on the couch and opened the envelope. Inside was a single piece of paper and you unfolded it to read what it said. It was a lot of text and numbers.Ā
Your teary vision made it difficult to read the words on the paper, but they still didn't make sense, and your head started spinning. You looked back up at him, and surely what it said wasn't true. "Whatā¦is this?"
Hyunjin's words were quietly spoken, expectation in his eyes, "It's for you. That's your gift, baby."
It was a flight ticket to Amsterdam.
āIā¦I donāt understand.ā
"You told me you wanted to do something that would inspire you. And I know you've been doing that on your own in the cityā¦, but I thought it might be time for you to try something new. Maybe it'll bring you inspiration. Andā¦it's your birthday. You deserve to celebrate it in a place like that. The book was just a cover for the ticketā¦ā
Your gut twisted, unable to comprehend this as you looked up at him, "Whatā¦? Iā¦you bought this just for me? But it must have been so expensive."
He nodded, gaze intense on yours, "I already booked everything for you. The flights. The apartment you can stay at when you're there. The museum tickets."
The dizziness swept over you in waves, tingling at the edges of your vision and making your surroundings blur softly, like a watercolor painting. Your breath caught in your throat, disbelief causing your heart to pound in your chest, your throat closing up. It was as if you were floating. It was like were having an out of body experience.
It started sinking in what he'd done. You must be dreaming.Ā
"Hyunjin. This is ā¦a lot."
"Noā¦" He responded, hand reaching over to yours, "It's the least I can do."
"Oh my god. It's a lot." You spoke as you realized the magnitude of what he'd just gifted you on a casual Thursday evening. In an instant, you jumped up into his lap, throwing your arms around him. He caught you instantly, whispering into your shoulder, āI know. I knew youād say that. But let me do this for you please."
You pulled back, still stunned. āYou know itāll take me years to pay you back for this, right?ā
He smiled, squeezing your waist, āDonāt be stupid. Youāre not paying me back. Thatās why itās a gift.ā
"Isā¦that why you were so nervous?"
"Well, I was waiting for you to see the ticket, butā¦you started cryingā¦"
"Oh my god." You buried your face in your hands, "Iā¦I was just overwhelmed. The book was already the most amazing thing ā but thisā¦"
"No, don't be embarrassed." He removed your hands, observing the dried tears on your cheeks, "I just can't believe it made you so happy, and you hadn't even seen the real thing yet."
"It's very easy to make me happy. Especially if it's you."
He smiled, "And I already made sure your passport is valid⦠and all the other stuff. I know I probably should have told you earlier, considering you have only a few days to pack. And it's just for the weekend so it's not too long of a trip butā¦ā
You settled your hands at the nape of his neck, playing with his hair, "It's perfect. Butā¦what about you?"
He hesitated, then smiled. āYou know how I fly out tomorrow? I'll be in Copenhagen for a few days and I'm gonna try to come see you. I can't promise anything but I swear I'll try. I just didn't wanna miss your birthday.ā His gaze held yours, steady and sure. āSo I thought Iād bring you closer to me.ā
Your eyes were wide as you searched his, "That's insane. You'reā¦insane."
"I know." He laughed, hand stroking your back, "You make me a little crazy."
You hugged him so tight you thought you might cry again, still sat on his lap in just your underwear, āThank you. I donāt even know what to say. You're spoiling me so much. First, you give me the best orgasm of my lifeā¦and now this. I feel like a princess or something."
At your words, he laughed, "The best of your life, huh?"
You smiled, nodding, "Mmh."
His fingers grabbed your chin, pulling you in for a kiss as he mumbled, "We can make that happen more."
You kissed him back leisurely. He held you in his lap, whispering against your lips, "So you'll go right?"
"Of course I will. If you're not gonna be in Seoul, then what am I gonna do here anyway?"
He laughed, squeezing your thighs, "Exactly."
Your gaze searched his, heart still pounding from this, "No one has ever done anything like this for me."
He didn't say anything, a smile tugging at his lips. You could hear his heartbeat quicken, and then you felt him harden under you. Embarrassed, he apologised, "Shit. I'm sorry. It'sā¦not appropriate, but you're sitting on top of me and god, you look so pretty after crying, and you're saying all of these thingsā¦ā
Your lips curved up, kissing him, "Is that true?"
Each movement only made him twitch under you, pupils dilating to black, "I can't help it."
"That's really hot, Hyun."
His eyebrows shot up expectantly, and he looked adorable, "Yeah?"
You tugged at his sweatpants, and his eyes widened, "What are you doing?"
"What do you think?" You smiled, kissing his mouth, "Returning the favor."
His lips curved into the prettiest smile, eyes blown wide in adoration. You couldn't help it either. You buried your face into his neck, hugging him again so tight your chest ached. It felt like this had always been your life, the way he held you to him, as you sat in his lap in just your underwear, legs interwined.
You must have used up all the luck in the world because at this moment, you were the luckiest girl in the world.
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masterlistĀ ā
thank you for reading and for still being here <3 i would love to hear what you thought of it!
YOU ARE BACK. I CANT WAIT TO READ PICTURES OF GHOSTS. looks like it will ruin me but here we go
yessss!!! let me know your thoughts when you read it and please read the cw carefully before you do to make sure youāre okay with reading about this topic ā¤ļø
omg HI.
i thought you would never write again itās been like 3 years since your last fic????? iām freaking out. thank you for getting back to it again you were my favourite and you juts disappeared????
pictures of ghosts is devastating but man⦠iāve never read anything like this. so fucking good sylv omfg
hiiii youāre so nice, thank you š
yea i kind of stopped writing and then i decided to get back to it, ive been working on this story for months and i didnāt know if i wanted to publish it or keep for myself but i decided to post so it means so much that you liked it!
i love your hyunjin fic but pls pls pls add a read more š itās like on my dash and im scrolling for ages⦠it lagged my phone and closed my app
oh my god i totally forgot, itās now fixed š thank you for telling me!