It’s been 1 year and 8 months, though in my mind it feels like this december was going to be the 3-year-post-break-up mark even though I know it was in April.
I feel like a dam broke or something - I’ve been holding it in and sometimes a tear would fall and the sadness would creep up on me, but lately I just can’t stop thinking about you. Sobering up will do that to ya…
I want to call you, or write you a message or something. The last time you called me, I was *so* cold and distant to. you didn’t deserve that. Nobody does, but especially not you. I can’t believe that’s my last memory of speaking with you - being such a cold-hearted ass… You just wanted to talk to me. I can’t say I’d give up everything, but there’s a lot I’d leave behind just to hear your voice again.
In my mind, I “initiated” the break-up… so it feels like I need to punish myself for that. I thought this would hurt less. But to be fair, I was numbing myself all the time. It hit me with a delay, tho. That’s what #drugs ’n #weed will do for you.
The truth is somewhere in the middle. I never took the time to process all of this. Every time I thought about it, I just started smoking more. The first 2 months after the break-up I was on a continuous whiskey bender, it’s all a bit of blur. Not an excuse or a justification, mind you.
I don’t even really believe this feeling will fade. I’m an addict and as it goes with our kind, I have very little fate in the fading of my desires. They come and go as they please. I’ve merely become better at resisting.
My mind is saying it will get better -  I might if I stop wallowing in self-pity & stop being a little bitch about everything. My heart says I’ll never feel like this again, a love this pure.
—
I’m genuinely grateful for the time we spent, K. For all the love that you had for me. The kisses. Every hug. All the kind words. The gifts you got for me, meticulously chosen to match my interests. The trips you organized. The way you took care of me. The patience you had with me..
I know falling asleep with you could sometimes be a struggle, fighting over the blankets. But you put up with me too, all my small and big issues, from grinding my teeth to being a general annoying addict.
Waking up with you and next to you was always the best part of the day, unless you were staying in - then the day just became fucking amazing. I would forget about the small room, shitty house or staying at my parents - in those moments, it was all good. I wouldn’t worry, except about you. Did you eat well enough? When would I see you again? Wasn’t I being too much?
You loved me without trying to change me. You didn’t hurt me, belittle me, emotionally blackmail or suppress me unlike my family - you only wanted to spent more time with me. To become a bigger part of your life, to come to your place more often. And I ran away, like the fucking idiot I was. I’m dealing with cold all the time now and there’s literally nobody here who cares, let alone loves me. Hindsight really is 20/20.
For some idiotic, inane reason, what you asked from me was more than I was willing to give. I wasn’t willing nor able to focus on anything besides my own little world.
Shit. I can take some solace, in that you showed me what true love looks like. What it feels like.
Now, if I could, I’d give you my world. I’d go back in time and do it all different. I don’t think I’ll ever find a love as warm as yours. Thinking about you, when there was still an “us”… it’s enough to make the tears well up and my lip quiver. I’m so sad right now, but ironically the one thing that can actually make me smile again is realizing how much you changed me for the better.
I’m not sure if I’m just not over you or that it’s something else, but I’m carrying you with me in my heart. I now know what it’s like to be unconditionally loved and how to love. Before you, I didn’t have a clue at all… You were the first one to love me like that. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
 #ririsu
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