I HATE PIE

Pie is gross. Watch me eat pie and complain about it.

[i-hate-pie]

March 14th is the worst

[i-hate-pie]

i still really hate pie, ya’ll, and actually had a post from mid summer when i ate an absolutely atrocious peach nightmare, but my hard drive ate itself and i lost the pictures and notes from that experience, so this is the best post you’re gonna get about that pie until i feel brave enough to try it.

[i-hate-pie]

ALSO YOU HAVE TO DO A FULL SWEENEY TODD. DO A POT PIE. THE WORST IN LONDON. (I know ur veg so find like a tofurkey one or something)

Gross. Although, I was a fan of chicken pot pies when I was little. Maybe it won’t be horrible??? Who am I kidding, it’s pie. Of course it’ll be horrible.

[i-hate-pie]

eat a moon pie. it looks like a cow pie and tastes about the same.

This looks like a cookie. I feel like I might have actually eaten one as a child. Does this count as pie? 

[awez-im-gohst]

Cats give zero fucks.

[i-hate-pie]

I'm so glad my cat A) loves broccoli and B) hates pie.

[i-hate-pie]

CHERRY PIE SHAKE: A WHAT? A WHAT?!?!

I love my best friend, but I think I might need to kill her for this one. Or at the very least, sue her for damages. 

In December, I went to visit her in the Bay Area. At one point during my visit, she "casually" brought up my pie blog AND the fact that she lived within walking distance of a diner, AND that they served pie shakes. I asked her what the hell a pie shake was and she told me that yes, it is exactly what it sounds like: Ice cream and pie, blended together, to form a drinkable sludge. I begrudgingly agreed to let her experiment on my stomach and palate.

Upon arrival at the diner, I desperately tried to talk my way out of a pie shake. I love diner food. I love greasy eggs and potatoes and toast and coffee. There's nothing better, in my opinion, and didn't want to mar that experience with something as terrible as PIE. 

But my FORMERLY best friend did not let me talk my way out of a pie milk shake. I stared at the menu as she ordered us each a "Sweet Montana Cherry Pie Shake" and looked at this girl on the menu and thought, I feel your pain. I mean, look at her. She's miserable. She's got a fucking hover hand around her pie shake: 

As we waited for our food, I started to hear a horrible noise, like a buzz saw cutting someone's arm off. It was raining out, so I thought maybe it was weather-related, but I was informed that it was the sound of a pie in a blender. Great.

Finally, a disgusting mess arrived at our table, and I was less than pleased:

A milkshake, the 3rd greatest drink on earth, combined with a pie, the very worst food on earth. It looked like a milkshake with bread in it. It had a giant straw so the bread/crust chunks could travel up the straw. Oh yeah, chunks. This pie was full of fucking frozen CRUST CHUNKS. It was chunky and cold. Nothing "chunk and cold" should ever go in my mouth, okay??!

On the plus side, because it was part milkshake, the fruit pie filling wasn't warm.... warm fruit in a pie is super gross. I mean, who decided fruit should go in pie? I'll kill them. Warm fruit is disgusting and anyone who disagrees with me is a satanist. Anyway, this pie was not warm, and it had the bonus of being part ice cream, so that was nice. It was also, oddly, not super sweet, which I appreciated. 

I would have rather, of course, been eating a slice of cake than DRINKING a fucking PIE, but it was bearable and did not cause anything horrible to happen to my insides. I drank about 1/8th of it before giving up.

Overall grade: 6.5/10. The pie milkshake gets points for only being half pie, but gets points off for still being pretty pie-esque. 

[i-hate-pie]

PUMPKIN PIE: THE THINGS I DO FOR THE ONES I LOVE

As some of you might know, I hate pie. But I hate some pies more than others, and Pumpkin Pie is definitely on the grossnononogodnoUGHHNOPLEASENO side of my pie scale. So I try to avoid it when I can. HOWEVER, some stupid fall/pumpkin themed holidays happened, and try as I might to do otherwise, I finally ate a slice of Pumpkin Pie. 

It was my grandma's fault. I will do anything my grandma tells me to do. If she told me to kill a bunch of people, I'd do it. I love my grandma.

It was Thanksgiving, and we went out to eat at some bird-themed restaurant, where they had spare ribs or turkey dinner as the options, and I ate a bunch of mashed potatoes and green beans because Thanksgiving is not a fun holiday if you're the only vegetarian in your family. My grandma was very sad about this for me (everyone go "awww"),  and she insisted I eat a slice of pie because "you barely ate anything and I'm worried you're going to be hungry later." Part of me wanted to be like, Grandma, chill, okay, I can subside on Ritz Crackers and canned soup. I'll be fine. Except I didn't say that because she's my grandma and she gave me Puppy Dog/Grandma Eyes, so I ate an entire slice of Disgusting Hell on Earth Pumpkin Pie to make her happy.

The was served warm (gag) with whipped cream. The whipped cream was good. The pie itself was not. The crust was flaky and I hate that. As I've mentioned before, flaky pie crust makes me feel like I'm eating someone's skin flakes. And those skin flakes tasted like a fucking pumpkin. Gross. The filling was soft and warm and creamy, which is not how food should act, ever. I wanted so badly to be eating cake while I ate this gross pie, but I ate quickly so Grandma would stop looking at me with her concerned grandma eyes. I even ate the pie butt to make her happy. Gross, crunchy, burnt disgusting pie butt. I then quickly drank an entire cup of coffee and prayed the pie would stay down. It did. Grandma was happy. I was not.  Overall grade: 5/10. Pie was edible, but only because I love my grandma. 

[i-hate-pie]

Stargazy pie. Eat some.

Why. WHY. WHY!?!?!?!

In case you don’t know what a stargazy pie is, it’s a fucking FISH PIE and it’s made with goddamn FISH HEADS STICKING OUT OF THE CRUST TO SAY HELLO DON’T EAT ME PLEASE:

why do you all hate me?

*note: I'm veg but I do eat fish so technically I guess I could eat this pie. I'm gonna go cry now.*

[i-hate-pie]

Humble pie

look out peter frampton, i'm coming for you.

[i-hate-pie]

Do not trust this woman, she will force feed you pie shakes.

[i-hate-pie]

If you do this long enough, you're going to start liking it.

MY BEST FRIEND HATES ME

[i-hate-pie]

neutralangel replied to your post:i’ve been avoiding this blog on purpose we’re...

Eat all the goddamn pie

stop trying to poison me!!!!!!!

[i-hate-pie]

i've been avoiding this blog on purpose

we're fast approaching PIE SEASON and that fills me with dread and hurts my stomach just to think about

plus i live in southern california and it's like balls hot out definitely not optimal pie weather

that being said

yes i'll eat a piece of fucking pumpkin pie soon, so stop asking

[i-hate-pie]

STRAWBERRY CREAM PIE: ALIENS ARE AMONG US AND THEY'VE LEARNED TO BAKE

Oh, Strawberry Cream pie. I thought to myself as I waited for the pie to arrive, Maybe I'll actually like this pie! I mean, I like strawberries. I am okay with the concept of custard. This is gonna be a fun pie.

Turns out, it was not fun. First of all, do not, under ANY circumstances, eat this pie if you expect to do any sort of physical activity later in the day. Just... don't. 

Secondly, this pie looked like something they serve on Glongor 7. This pie was slime-tastic. I mean... it oozed. Is pie supposed to ooze? I'm fairly certain it is not supposed to ooze. After my first trepidatious bite, my mind went blank, except for a running monologue screaming in my head oh god the slime eat fast slime don't think about the slime just eat the slime eat quick don't think slime oh god slime. 

I vaguely recall part of the pie tasting like stale crackers which was probably the crust. It was really crunchy and felt like tiny knives trying to stab me in the mouth, so that was unpleasant. Beyond a horrifying texture, though, the pie was thankfully tasteless. I'm pretty sure there was no sugar in this pie except for that in the red syrup/strawberry and whipped cream portions. 

My cake level wish for this pie was pretty middle of the road. I'm really glad that cake functions like an normal food and doesn't resemble slime or ooze all over the place as I try to eat it.  I did manage to eat the entire pie, mostly because I ate it in 3 seconds to get it over with as quickly as possible. And I didn't puke, but I came close a few hours later. 

Overall grade for this pie: 8/10. Unearthly, but probably edible to those with an adventurous spirit. 

[i-hate-pie]

Omg. Until I saw this tumblr, I thought I was alone in the world. I hate pie too.

RISE UP, PIE HATING COMRADES. RISE AND CONQUER.

[i-hate-pie]

HERSHEY'S CHOCOLATE CREME PIE

I HATE YOU.

[i-hate-pie]

HERSHEY'S CHOCOLATE CRÈME PIE: SCIENCE HAS GONE TOO FAR

Ah, yes, Chocolate Creme 4148D. Clearly, this pie was made in a lab by a psychotic pie maker. I'm guessing his name was Edward. I'm assuming that Edward had entered an ancient blood pact with the Hershey Corporation and this horrible concoction of frozen chocolate, milk, and sugar is a by-product of that pact. 

On the day I ate this pie, I stopped at the grocery store for a snack, because there was no food at home. While I was there, I noticed that my grocery store does in fact carry the Hershey's Chocolate Creme Pie, which my horrible friend kept recommending to me because it's "so good" or some bullshit.

I got home, opened up the box, and slammed it on a plate. Then, because I had forgotten to eat lunch that day, I inhaled the pie, and immediately regretted my entire life. 

The crust was crunchy and grainy and I realized it was basically crushed up chocolate cookie, mixed with granules of sugar. I was reminded of the time when I was 7 and dropped a lolly pop in the sand at the beach, and then picked it up and kept eating it and then I realized too late there was also an ant on it and I had just eaten SAND and an ANT. Horrible. 

This pie was so sweet I thought I might die. No one should ever eat this much sugar in one sitting. This pie was the exact definition of the word SACCHARINE. 

Regarding the filling.... the texture was fine, very creamy, very edible. It gets a pass on that aspect but.... what the fuck was it actually??? Like there was a brown part and a white part. I assume the brown part was chocolate, which I love, but the white part???? What is it? Cream? Creme? Crème????? Also, it definitely bubbled in my mouth and I'm like 84% sure food isn't supposed to do that.

My Cake Wish Level for this pie: Medium. This pie was basically almost ice cream and if I closed my eyes and pretended I was in burning in hell for all eternity, I could almost enjoy it. I did eat the whole thing but I also hadn't eaten for like 7 hours.

The day after I ate this pie, I started having horrible stomach cramps, to the point that my significant other tried to convince me to go to the hospital. I then developed actual food poisoning later in the week, supposedly from eating a salad at the County Fair, but ALSO maybe this pie contributed to the 48 hours I spent chained to the toilet???? Either way, fuck this pie. This pie gets a Fuck You and a score of 6/10.