What the URL says

this is my personal space to rant and complain about my everyday life as well as certain topics that piss me off. sometimes there might be something positive going on. this is like my personal "anonymous" diary

[i-rant-here]

Demisexual problems: craving a relationship, but knowing you can't simply go out and date.

[being-demisexual]

What a great day to be demisexual

[i-rant-here]

Some days ago I came out to some people as demisexual and to be quite honest, I never thought I'd have to. But with them constantly asking me about this kind of stuff, especially due to me “apparently” being a “late bloomer” in relationships, I was kind of forced to do so. And, understandably, none of them knew what demisexual means, and that is completely ok. The thing that bothered me though was how many disregarded this label as “isn’t that how all decent people are?”. Being demisexual, cut short, means you don't experience sexual attraction without having an emotional bond with a person. And for some this might translate to “i need emotions to have sex” or “i don't sleep with strangers”, but hear me out: it doesn't. I went into puberty quite early and for me that always was my explanation for why my sexual interest in others never spiked up (since normally you are not interested in having sbd nail you at the age of 11). But quickly noticing this not being the case I got confused. Other teens my age had sexual relationships everywhere, falling in and out of love, getting horny because they saw a pretty face. And I didn't. And I felt ill, kind of. After some time I stumbled upon asexuality and I started to panic. Cause, to be honest, I didn't want to *not* have sex (though that isn't wrong at all, I am NOT saying asexuality is bad, NO way). I did, so much. I just wasn't able to feel the attraction needed for these activities. A couple of years were spent fighting an internal battle until that one day. It was during pride and I stumbled over a collection of flags. As posts like these are always tagged to the heavens I went through all of them and when I got to demisexual I was blown away. This spoke to me on such a personal level I nearly cried. There were others who felt the same. Others who did not experience sexual attraction, but still wanted this kind of intimacy with a partner. Moreover, I realised the asexual/grey spectrum literally is a spectrum and is not a one way ticket. So when friends, humans I trusted and held close (people I thought maybe had picked up on my confusion over the years) told me they don't understand my troubles and that I shouldn't “make a fuss”, I was shocked. But instead of crumbling like I did when I had my first sexuality crisis, I flipped them the verbal finger and left the room. Cause this is where I draw the line: Don't invalidate the sexualities of other people. Don't judge things you don't understand. Don't tell somebody that their whole thought process and self exploration was for nothing cause you can't wrap your head around the labels they choose for themselves.

[i-rant-here]

Now this is sth I know a lot of ppl will come back at me, but still, I have to talk about this bc it is pissing me off. A lot.

I am not a pretty person. (And yes, I say pretty not beautiful since this is about the looks and not the whole person.) The thing is, except for a bit of extra pounds, these things can’t be helped with (acne that just doesn’t want to be treated for the past 10 yrs, unpleasant facial bone structure, very big bust size only with a minimal amount of fat -> only help would be breast reduction). So I learned to live with it. I learned the fact that not everybody on this planet can be pretty and I just got the short stick.

But it also hurts. It hurts to know I will never reach my ideal.

And then. Then ppl who look like they were cut out of a fashion magazine come to me and tell me: I know exactly what you mean, gosh I feel so ugly most of the time, look at that belly fat *squishes intestines together*.

And I just burst inside. My anger volcano goes full force. But I just smile and say: lol yeah.

And now, ppl will probably be like: everybody feels ugly sometimes, don’t devalue their feelings. And I get that. But in this situation, you know nothing of how I feel.

You don’t know what it feels like to talk to others and have them focus on all the ugly big red and yellow pimples on my face. You have never been told to ‘wash your face, jc’. You don’t go around town knowing the only bra that fits you and is affordable is a grandma bra, while others flaunt their cute bralettes. You don’t know the feeling of walking into a shop and not find any single piece of clothing that you like AND that fits you.

You don’t know what it feels like to be the DUFF, the comedic relief, the 'that girl that I can talk to bc she’s the bro’. You don’t know what it feels like to see man after man fall in love with your friends while you stand on the side.

So, yeah, I don’t deny that you also have bad days. But I dare you to take a good look at me and tell me you know my problems regarding appearance.

[i-rant-here]

I'm too chicken to post this on my main blog, so here we go: This thing about art is that you as an artist are almost never completely satisfied with what you created. You can see every little fault, every line not in order, every piece destroying another. And then you get told how it's not that bad and how you should look at the good parts. And I'm getting you. Completely. But there is some truth in finding your "style", your "do the thing"-thing having a connection to being carefree. I'm not talking about trying out different media and exploring new sources of inspiration. I'm talking about the way you approach a piece of art. Most of the times we have a certain idea on how the end result is supposed to look like. A storyline you want to write. A rhythm a poem should be written in. A picture in your head waiting to be drawn. But focusing on these results too much has actually nearly destroyed my love for creating art. I was so focused on trying to make this vision a real thing as much as i could, I ended up revolting every single time my hand touched a pen. The fear of not being good enough for MYSELF and my expectations made me not try at all. The solution for me was to simply not think of anything while drawing. I nowadays sit down a lot of times and just.... draw. It might sound silly, but it is actually very challenging. Not thinking about composition, motive, shadow and the basics is nearly impossible. But managing for just a minute, until you jotted down the main idea, it's so much easier to have fun afterwards. Much less forced. Try it. Try canceling your brain out for just a couple of minutes. You will be surprised about the "mistakes" you make, but also how much you instinctively do "right".

[i-rant-here]

I'm so confused. My friends went out without telling me, but turns out they are pretty much only drinking. And i don't drink alcohol, so I wouldn't have joined anyway. I still feel kinda betrayed they went without telling me.

[i-rant-here]

A person I don't really like because they were not good for me has had sth good happen to them. Am i a bad person for wishing they hadn't?

[i-rant-here]

I would really like to cosplay, but I am not liking my body enough.

[i-rant-here]

Instead of wishing to have a shorter way home I often imagine my train ride taking forever, just sitting there and staring at the outside world rushing by until people forget me and I can exit the train without anybody having expectations.

[i-rant-here]

I just just let out the most honest squeal. I woke up from a nightmare...

[i-rant-here]

me: *asks friendly question*

them: f*cking clingy shit

me: ok...

[i-rant-here]

i dreamed that i woke woke up late and went back to bed so i start panicking, look up and tadaa, i still got time....

[i-rant-here]

love how some don't really understand that not feeling instant sexual attraction is a thing

[i-rant-here]

I love it how people tend to demonize university, like, what did you expect? Drawing mandalas and dancing over the valleys while basking in joy and receiving a degree on the way out?