Itās been quite the four days so far this year! I started my new job at Starbucks on the 2nd and everyone there was so welcoming and kind! My trainer is patient and helpful and itās just all been great. I was hesitant at taking the position, but my first day made me pretty glad I did :) I go back in tomorrow and Iām honestly kinda looking forward to it! Thatās definitely new for me, I usually hate going to work.Ā
Also, my boss Jess is so understanding about school. She didnāt schedule me for the opening shift two days of the week because I said I might have class at 10:30 AM and she was worried 30 minutes wouldnāt be enough time to get to class.Ā
The house is coming together - in the past two weeks weāve bought a new couch, a rug, a painting, a vase, and an entryway table for the living room! I also got my study space, desk,Ā chair and the works, in order so Iām really getting excited to go back to campus classes! I registered yesterday so I FINALLY have my schedule: Calculus, a 300+ Bio course about the differences of the sexes for an ethics requirement, General Chemistry II with a lab, French 101, and Hawaiian Studies for a graduation requirement. 17 units have me a little daunted but Iām ready to hit the ground running! Iām going to the bookstore tomorrow to pick up some of my books for classesĀ and hitting up the financial aid office to hopefully get my scholarship back on track.
Iāve been to the gym once so far this year, and hope to make it tonight before it closes. I did legs and glutes and oh boy Iām freaking sore! I want to go tonight and at least one more time this week - 3 days/week is the goal! I want to knock out shoulders tonight and hopefully keep this gym bug going.
Iāve also been doing yoga the past two days to help cope with the stress and keep the happy going. I feel like my meds arenāt working quite as well anymore so Iām trying to add in some extra self-care to help keep me afloat. I want to do yoga every morning and evening along with some meditation. Iāve been reading into Buddhism and while Iāve never really been a religious or spiritual person, something about it has really been speaking to me lately. It covers so many of the things that make me the most stressed and itās such a refreshing perspective.
Iāve outlined my bullet journal for this year, Iām just waiting for my new pens to get in so I can start filling out my official one! Iām excited to get it all set up this weekend so that Iām ready to go by Monday.
Things have been really stressful, but overall Iām really happy and excited for what this year holds!Ā
Pros of an 8 AM class:
- I get to see the sunrise
- making the most of my day?
- who am I kidding
- there are no pros
- I am so tired
- I canāt feel my face
- somebody help me
-choking on nothing but air and spit
āØ-asking āwhat?ā and then immediately processing what you said
āØ-making a fool of myself trying to get wild cats to let me pet them
āØ-compensating for hours of procrastination with minutes of panic and superhuman speed
I never understood why a girl is always suppose to be that ride or die chick that stays with a man and helps him build and become the man she deserves but a guy is never told to stay with a woman while she finds herself. A guy will always look for that perfect woman but we are suppose to settle for a building project?! Fuck that.
I so wholeheartedly love the generation of women coming up in this world. The realization that you are all stars of your own story and not a supporting actress in a mans is so important.
My post of happiness and bliss and other life updates - please feel free to skip over this because itās ābout to be long af.
These 7 pictures are my happiness, and I couldnāt be more grateful. I went to a psychiatrist for the first time in 5 years after finally feeling like I could not cope with my anxiety and depression on my own - it was ruining my marriage, my health, and I was wasting what could be the best years of my life. After taking a turn for the worst (ironically after DH came home) and fighting suicidal thoughts for weeks, I made the appointment and it was the best decision I have ever made. For the first time in probably 7 or 8 years, I feel whole. I feel myself.
I picked each of these pictures for a reason..each one shows a way I have changed in the short period of time that Iāve been on these meds. Iāll start from the bottom (the first taken) and make my way up to the top (the most recent).
The first one is me right before a night out with friends - the first time I had gone out without DH (while heās been home) in about 2 years. He had duty, and two friends also had nothing else going on so we went downtown to go to bars. I had never done anything like this before and was hesitant to go but also happy to be getting out. We ended up staying out until 6am talking, laughing, and dancing. I had finally broken out of the cage my anxiety had kept me in.
The second is from the next day. DH was supposed to go out with friends and ended up inviting me to come along. Iām not usually that great with new people, but I was able to talk to his friend who I had never met before, and we had a great time at the bar overlooking this beautiful sunset. This was the moment I had to hold back tears of happiness for the second time in 2 days because I finally felt free.
The third picture is DH and I after we got back from the bar with his friend from high school, the night after the 2nd picture. Our marriage is better than it has ever been. Weāve been connecting in ways that we hadnāt since we were dating, we havenāt been fighting and both of us just feel so..in sync. Itās finally the marriage I always knew it could be.
The fourth picture was the first day that I did my hair and makeup and put effort into my outfit just because. We didnāt have anything planned, but getting dressed and making myself up made me feel good so I did it. Itās been a pretty regular thing ever since. I never used to have the energy to brush my hair, much less pick clothes that actually look nice.Ā
The fifth picture is from this past Thursday. Another outing with the same friends from the first picture and it was another hit. We closed down the town again, and I left with cheeks sore from smiling so much. This was the night I realized I had made true, actual friends. Not just people that Gabe had made friends with that I was friends with by association. These people like me. Since college over 2 years ago, before this little group I had only made 2 friends on my own. This is huge for me. This was the night we planned even more outings together, with and without our spouses. This was the night I realized this could be my life, a totally normal thing to go out drinking on a Thursday because we could.
The sixth picture is the very next day, this past Friday. We all went out to Dave and Busters - my now normal group (which still feels so weird to say) plus her husband. One person had to leave early, but we still had a great time. This was the first time I had gone out with DH and friends since starting my meds, and I didnāt let my extroverted DH overshadow me like I always used to. I stood on my own and felt okay to wander off without him. I used to stick to his side like glue because he was the only one I felt comfortable with. I felt like I was finally blossoming.
And finally, the seventh picture. I took this one 20 minutes ago because I felt pretty. Iām not dressed up, and only put on eyeliner because thatās all I felt like today. I threw my hair up in a ponytail but took the extra 2 seconds to make it look nice. DH has duty today, and Iām stuck taking tests all day, but I feel good. I feel hopeful. Iām okay with my own company. Iām not dying inside with loneliness, waiting for DH to return. I am okay.
-
I was soĀ hesitant at first that I couldnāt take the meds for the first 2 days of having them. I felt like I was giving up, like I was weak, like I was broken. After all, I had been fighting for 5 years on my own. Why stop now? It took my DH finally telling me that it was okay (and he was even more hesitant at first than I was, so hearing it from him was the final acceptance I needed to just do it). I had side effects - not terrible but not great. But it was worth every. single. one. Things arenāt perfect - after all, Iāve only been on my full dose for a little over a week. But in the short time Iāve been taking them, my whole life has turned around. I still have bad days, but theyāre so much more manageable and theyāre getting fewer and further between.
So I guess what Iām trying to say is - if youāve been fighting and things are not better, get help. You are not weak, you are not broken, and you are not a burden. You have a chemical imbalance and you need help. Itās okay to need help; no one ever does anything alone. But more than anything, please remember that there is hope.
ābecause a 16 year old girl who had her first orgasm whilst getting raped, had to watch her 34 year old rapist go free because she had an orgasm.
because when one of my guy friends told me and some friends he got raped by a woman when he was 12, a āfriendā laughed at him and told him he should be happy he got laid that young.
because my 17 year old friendās parents let her 14 year old brother roam the streets until 12am, but she has to be home by 10.
Because my brothers girlfriend, told the police she was raped and fell pregnant but the rapist didnāt get jail time as she got an abortion and the āevidenceā was gone.
because a guy from my old school was raped by another guy, but because heās gay, they said it wasnāt considered rape.
because a 19 year old lesbian got raped by a guy, and he didnāt go to prison because he said āhe only tried to turn her straight so she would be accepted by her parentsā.
because in some cultures, girls (and boys, of course) still get thrown out of the family because somebody sexually assaulted them.
because theyāre still teaching girls to walk faster at night instead of teaching boys that they shouldnāt rape.
Because theyāre teaching kids that theyāre only male rapists and not female rapists too.
because I have to explain why rape makes me mad.ā
So what if youāre alone right now. Embrace it. Go get coffee alone. Shop alone. Drive alone. Watch movies alone. Get to know yourself. Nothing bad can come from riding whatever wave to self improvement youāre blessed with in the moment.
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