Writing here because it’s like a diary and I need to get the thoughts out. I haven’t felt like myself for the past four months because of stupid cosmetically related health issues that seemingly have no end or fix. I haven’t felt this type of anxiety or depression for years. I don’t ever feel excited to hang out with people or do new things. I have an amazing boyfriend who I’m scared to be with because I just bring him down and don’t want him to leave because of the way I can’t help but present myself to the world. I feel like I have such a small circle of friends, and I don’t feel like I can open up to any of them about the emotions and anxiety I have been feeling. I feel like these emotions and this anxiety is coming from such a stupid place that it’s embarrassing to talk about with anyone, even doctors. My parents, who have been 20 minutes down the street my entire life, have moved to a completely different state and I feel the absence. The smallest things that I’ve always been able to feel anxiety, but quickly shake it off and move on, I can’t do. I blow up in anger or sadness or hopelessness at them. It’s the feeling of hopelessness that I can’t handle the most, and I’m afraid to seek out therapy because I don’t believe it will help. I just want to feel confident again and like myself again, but I don’t believe it will happen. I compare my own stupid issues to other people’s and feel shame about them. I just want to get past this.
