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祝日 / Permanent Vacation
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@iamclaritylove
My "happy place" song, my summer theme song... _Riding on a train, taking my trip_ _And I’m gonna keep on riding ’til I reach the mothership_ _Riding on a train, taking our trip_ _And we’re gonna keep on riding ’til we reach the mothership..._ #King
8:00 PM I am in there somewhere..
~Imaginary Convos~
• I read that Americans hate the Federal Government now more than ever. • I'm trying to play it cool by not letting you know that I am slightly affected. • Who are you voting for in the next mayoral election? • Hey, do you want to run to Home Depot with me because I ran out of black tile then afterwards we can go to my place and have sex? Or your place...if you want. • The Northeast is shutting down ahead of the big blizzard. • Let's play Scrabble. • Do anything interesting today? Tell me about it. • HUD has awarded $100 million dollars in grants for homeless programs in Illinois. • Isn't that great?! • We both have past, and it's okay, let's put that all aside today. • According to Newsweek, Monday is supposedly the most depressing day of the week... • It doesn't have to be.. • Is gas still expensive? • Forgive me for being so forward, I'm only talking about sex. • I've already said too much and have sealed our Fate. • What time is our next meeting? The real one.. • 6 years ago, there were 180,000 troops in Afghanistan. Now there are only about 15,000. • People don't want to be Human like us. • Babe, let's lay down and see what happens and I'll tell you about my Literature class. • We don't have to Feel... • Let me know soon...I may have to leave in a bit..
Copulation Conversations
9 PM Now. We're. Talkin... ▪about all kinds of copulation...oral anal vaginal...all of it. ▪about what is between my thighs.. ▪about what it Taste. Like. ▪about where when why with WHOM. Me on top of you. You on top of me? My mouth down there..Mmm....don't make me.. ▪Come baby. Tell me how many times in 5 hours? Can you last that long? Can you try? About how many times can I make you ..... ▪do you think about it all of the time? ▪Come and let me put my tongue on it. You're making me blush baby. ▪about oral copulation....did she ever blow you while you were watching your favorite tv show? Reading a novel? After a long day at work? Hey, we should play a game! I'll do you and you try not to...you know. Just concentrate on what you're reading. ▪about me digging my hands into your back while whispering, "_ _ _ _ me harder baby don't stop. I like it. Yes baby!" Would you like for me to do that? No. Don't tell me. I'll let that be your surprise. ▪about 69....cowgirl...bare back.. ▪about how I know about all dis shhhhhh... ▪about how _some_ good girls can do bad things in the dark when given the chance.. ▪about what I like...I like everything as long as I'm doing all of this with You. 11:52 PM He wanted sex. So I gave it to him (well, not literally). They really don't like you just the way you are. I will not see him again....I think. I do love sex, even when I'm just talking about it. Ok, I'll take it day by day (lol). If he calls... Don't talk to me about _that_ on the first date! I mean, it's good but it's not. When it comes to that, I'm more of a: "Don't talk about it. Be about it" girl, anyway. What will I tell my friend about his friend? He could be a "good hardworking normal guy" but how do I know that when all he talked about was football season and sex? Maybe Normal is not for me... Now I'm in my bed...(needing a cold shower). Drinking decaffeinated green tea. I'm sleepy now. I have to be at work in a few..
5:44 PM - January 13, 2015 Thoughts on my first day at school _and other news_.... •Damn, I'm psychic; I have _seeeeen dis befooooorrre_. •I will not say a damn thing.... •Yes. I want all A's. This semester. Damn it. •I take baths or showers _e'ry day_...not at the same time but yeah... _e'ry day_ (LOL). •I'm more of an optimist than I think I am. •Just realized that debt collectors have not called me in over a year....wow. #progress •☆ﾟ･*I love the Stars ✩*॰ ✩*॰ •I'm out of blueberries. Bananas will do. •I'm afraid to be Proud. •To my BFF, the phone and email works both ways...think on that! Love you. Mean it. •I do not like hearing Black women say, "I would like a baby with green or hazel eyes and _good_ hair." How about, "I would love to have a beautiful baby with any physical features because it came from God and my insides...." *How about that?* •How big is the Universe? Answer due by *January 18th Midnite.* • _Ha ha, Silly! We are all mad here_ .... •Things are not what You make them to be. They can be even better..... (she says with her Cheshire Cat grin as she disappears).
It Just Is....
It is not meant to happen. It is only something that you read about in books. It is something for the worthy. It is something for the young. It is something that eluded my youth. It is something that happens to the pretty girls. It is something that happens if youre college educated. It is something that happens to the cultured. It is something that happens when it is Good. They say, it is what it is and... It is something that has never happened to me.
Hi. It's true. I permanently deleted my Facebook account in October last year. But I'm still here!!!
10:57PM
On Saturday night, I hung out at Barnes & Noble. I bought a book of Pablo Neruda poems...they are very Sexy; good bedtime reading (lol). I've been going to bed with a smile on my face. "To feel the love of people whom we love is a fire that feeds our life." "so I wait for you like a lonely house till you will see me again and live in me. Till then..." "I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too." "I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul Damn. Imagine Love... Maybe Love should be my Crusade....or at least Lust. After reading some poems, I feel brave enough to say: "how eager I am to please you; to give you pleasure. Just give me the green light and yes, it is Go. It is easy. I know the risk and I am willing to take. Let me touch you. Kiss your neck. Wrap my body around yours. Use me. Como te deseo...." (Lol). I don't get to write these at all. Ok let's just say that I've written a few but kept them to myself! Anyway...I am not very good at love notes. .. #pabloneruda
6:53 PM
***I. Am. A. Sex Object.*** I am a sex object; like a doll. They only want to play with me; then toss me to the side when a newer doll comes around : ) I have 'somewhat' accepted this. They don't know my last name though they've dated me for 500 days. They want to know what color and style of panties I wear. They want to know what sex positions I like. They want to know if they can stick their small cocks into my big juicy ass. They want to know if they can suck my tits on the first date. They want to finger me while we're kissing. They want to Fuck me on the first date and when I say no, I never see them again. If I fuck them everyday in every way that they want, I never see them again. If I tell them that my name is Clarese Jackson, I never see them again. If I feel anything but pleasure from copulation, I never see them again. If I cuddle them after fucking them, I never see them again. I'm just a doll. No name. An object. Something to use then throw away. I'm starting to be okay with that.
2:26PM
#workflow Jeffrey (my pet giraffe) and I cannot take a trip in our spaceship today because I have to finish my Art homework ANNNNND finish my 750 word essay on Picasso by 11PM tonight. PLUS, finish up my poetry portfolio. It's all worth it...it's all worth it...it's all worth it...it's all worth it.......
3:25PM
He called me non-committal (lol). Because I couldn't even commit to a seat at a table when we'd go out to a restaurant. I couldn't commit to a time to see each other. I couldn't even follow through with saying those three words....I loved when he said those kinds of words. I just didn't believe him. It's hard to commit to someone who calls you a Nigger bitch every time they are drunk.
10:47AM Goodnite
I just came home from work. I'm sitting in my chair ,eating an apple, and replaying yesterday in my head. Nothing particularly exciting happened yesterday. I met some interesting people but other than that...the same.
I'm tired of 'the same'. I need to get away from here...FOR GOOD.
I'm holding on to something that is keeping me from moving on. I need to let him go for good.
Forever.
I need to free fall. I need to follow my dream to travel for a year (or more if allowed). I have nothing holding me back, nothing here waiting for me....I'll give up my apartment and just go. What is it about this place? I need to just go. Take the money and run, I will.
As soon as.....as soon as I get some sleep.....
*originally written and posted (by me) Feb 2010 on Facebook*
Tonite...
10:05PM Tonite. I walk to the grocery store while holding myself. It's cold. Holding myself...this makes no sense. I should let him hold me. When he call, I should answer. I should let him say anything. Just to have someone hold me Tonite. I miss when he'd say ,"I want to taste you." I miss when he'd say ,"I want to kiss you while we make love." I miss him. I loved him. But he loved her. More than me. I walk home. Holding myself. It is cold.
Grateful....
2:16PM It's time. To take a trip.........back to the west coast. With Jeffrey. My giraffe♡°. ✧˖ °In a spaceship.✧˖ ° He loves me there.
Yesterday I said, "It is the small day to day things that get me through Life like little doggies that sniff past me, the little boy behind me who clapped his hands when I said, "Yay!" to the cashier who gave me a discount, the elderly couple who stood in front of Old Town..."
Proof that I don't hate everything. All the time...(lol)
3:04PM
3:04PM It's exhausting to be walking around being negative all the time. I don't know why I do it. Fuck my life. Last night, I went to sleep at 2AM while listening to Christian music. I believe in God. I stopped going to church 9 years ago. I am literally alive because of God. There is no way in heaven that I should have lived after what happened 27 years ago. I came out of that ordeal with not one hair on my head harmed. God protected me that night. I lived. No one can tell me that there isn't a God. Believe what they will but I know that God was there that night. Last night, I didn't dream about that night from 27 years ago...I dreamed something else. I dreamed about kissing a strange man whom I didn't really know. We were intensely kissing and groping and laughing and it was Fun. Then, I woke up to the sound of a text message ring tone. The text message was about bumper protectors (LOL).
Yeah...i said it.
3:37PM Ok first, I'm not going to even begin to discuss what has happened to my Google + page. Luckily, I save a lot of what I write on here for future notes or whatever...anyway.... I was having a conversation with a bunch of people and I noticed how this one person ALWAYS interrupts and blurts out things while someone else is talking and they seemingly know everything. I've seen/been to/heard/experienced a lot in my few years on earth, but I still don't think I know every damn thing. "They" talk over people all the time. I'm thinking that they are nervous. I'm thinking, this person is younger bright-eyed bushy tailed and just young. But then I think of how I was, when I was young. I was pretty much the same as I am now: quiet, aloof, less sassy and sarcastic tho, but I let people get what they were saying.... out. Whenever this person is in the conversations, it makes me not want to say anything because "they" will talk over me or interrupt while I'm trying to get my point out. Then this causes me to be the rude person who is talking over them. This person reminds me of a relative, and they interrupt all the time but I gently tell them, "let them talk" or "let me talk" and then they'll step back. I can be in a room of talkers and not say any damn thing and be perfectly okay with it. I'm a little slow about gathering my thoughts when put on the spot but dude, DON'T FUCKING INTERRUPT ME. Besides, how will you learn from others if you're not even listening to them? How will you get to know someone if you're not even listening to them speak? I don't know...it's a pet peeve. I have my obnoxious moments like anyone else but there is a time and a place. Like on Halloween night on Halsted Street where I yelled "Woooooooooooooooooo....", every 15 minutes...but everyone else was doing it too (lol)!
Lazy Monday..
12:18PM Today, I am trying to do my Art homework while watching Flipping Out on Hulu (bad idea by the way) and I keep thinking about this guy I met a couple months ago. He text me every now and then, "Hey how's your week?" I text back but that's it. I've asked him if he was busy... maybe we could go out sometime or even grab coffee. He said "Sure, I'll let you know." I take that as a rejection but just when I'm about to write him off, he starts texting again (like this morning). I'm about ready to block and delete him but why does he keep texting me? Deep down I know why.... (he's on break from his boyfriend duties). He says that he's single but I seriously doubt it at this point. Who doesn't want to go have coffee with me? I'm fun and harmless (lol). We keep doing this "dance" via cellphone, and I don't want to dance anymore. Let's stop this bullshit and get to it already! Jeffrey Lewis is so damn funny....