@iamisabelle - Tumblr Blog

My mind has been restless the past couple of days. I keep checking up on people and things I don’t care much about in the first place. It’s as if I’m looking for answers to questions I don’t even have.

I’ll get back to this tomorrow. It’s weird how much I saw myself in her.

I haven’t been getting more than 5 hours of sleep the past few weeks. Recently, it has been accompanied by feelings of nausea.

Still –– I’m glad to be alive. Glad I get to work on things that feel right, like I’m going towards the right direction. Now that I’m away from Manila, not an inch of me feels the need to come back. It doesn’t even feel like I’ve been gone all that long. I wish I could put everything –– including friends and family –– in a box, and bring it all to wherever I end up moving.

In due time, I’ll probably have to move far away from Manila. Hopefully it happens in this lifetime.

It will.

Things have been happening one after the other the past few weeks. It gets overwhelming sometimes, but it’s definitely better than the opposite, which is to completely stagnate.

I’ve been struggling with simultaneous feelings of gratefulness and frustration. But for the most part, it has been really nice. I’m glad I get to do what I do, and I hope that the universe helps conspire towards this little dream of mine I can’t completely put into words.

Old things that pop out on my feed.

I’m very happy to have you in my life. I always know you’ve got me.

I used to get very defensive and bitter when I’d get called out by anyone. But nowadays, at least for the most part, I’ve been trying to instill in my brain that it’s much better to be called out and put in my place than to keep going on as if I’m doing nothing wrong. Whether they are right or not is a completely different story –– but at least it gives me something to think about. ~Always learning new things~

Tonight was a good example of a day turning out completely opposite of what I had expected it to be.

I rushed out of the house at around 3 PM to test out a lighting set up for a shoot I have scheduled on Monday. Looking around the studio, I felt like I knew what I wanted again, that I cared about something enough to be excited and scared at the same time. The fear never really goes away, but the more you do what you need to do, the less you notice it.

Suddenly, the fire in my belly was back. I’ve been feeling it on and off the past few weeks, a passion I thought I had lost completely. I haven’t been able to vocalize it with anyone because I don’t think anyone would care enough to listen in the way I’d want them to. I know that the support will always be there –– but it just feels like whatever I have to say is a given. When it comes to this discussion, I don’t think anyone will able to give me the conversation I want. So for now, I’ll just keep that conversation in my head to avoid disappointment. Perhaps it isn’t even a conversation that is really meant to happen –– just another given.

During dinner, my friends were able to unearth old photos from college. They were taken on nights I could barely remember. It’s so weird how much we tend to forget over time. I had absolutely no idea why I was in these photos, or what exactly we were doing at wherever we were. Sometimes, I look at the people I surround myself with and wonder whatever bonded us in the first place. Then I slowly start to piece together why exactly we all click. It’s a nice feeling being able to come back to something familiar.

The past few days have been brighter –– and though it means that half of the time spent outside is comparable to being roasted on a grill –– I’ve been welcoming it with open arms.

I never used to understand why the gloomy skies made my mother sad, but as I’ve grown older it has made me feel the same way. So even if it means sweating profusely, I’d choose the sun any day.

There are some days that don’t feel worth the trouble, but yesterday was not one of those days. I’m glad I could end September on a good note. Another reminder to break out of my usual habits~ Also, how weird is it that it’s October now?

I’ve been putting my writing on hold, often because I’d lack the right words...or any coherence for that matter. But I think it’s important to note that the past few weeks have been good. Tough and rocky, but overall good. Another reminder that feelings and moments are fleeting.