*Please note, the below are from my personal experiences and opinions. I will not be naming any person or hospital within my stories. I will show evidence, and censor any needed information, to back up my story. Please note, if you are feeling suicidal then please call 911 and speak with an operator as soon as possible. In addition, all artwork is the property of the artist. Some artist’s names cannot be located.*
Amongst my depression, social anxiety disorder, and my supposed “cannabis abuse disorder”, I have recently been diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder. I had been diagnosed for the past 5 years with major depressive disorder, and social anxiety. Well, since I just recently found out I had bipolar disorder, I didn’t realize my depression medications, that I had been taking for the past 5 years had actually been making my manic symptoms much more severe; unannounced to me. Studies show, if taking depression medication while one has bipolar disorder, it can negatively affect moods. Now, a little background, bipolar disorder is a mood disorder, where an individual cannot control their moods. These moods typically range from extreme highs to extreme lows, to feeling absolutely nothing at all. With bipolar 1 disorder, a person will have more elevated and severe manic moods than depressive moods. Now with bipolar 2 disorder, a person will have more depressive states, and have hypomania states. Hypomania is a milder form of being manic, but still heavily prevalent in the disease.
I always felt there was more than just depression that I was suffering from when I first sought a doctor out in 2015. However, the doctors would never listen to my suggestions. I spoke with many doctors over the past 5 years. The thing that angers me the most is when people ask me “Well, did tell your doctor this?” As that one of the most common responses back I get when talking to people. Yes, I have told numerous doctors about my symptoms and how I was feeling. I was ignored. Yet, because my father would never get tested for mental illness and his side of the family has no history of mental illness, my doctors would never rule me as having bipolar disorder. Which, in my opinion, is very dumb. But who knows more about myself than a doctor I saw 1 time, right?
Why did I feel the doctors were incorrect? Because I watched my own behavioral patterns, personal movements, even speech patterns, and observing my own family members try to find what illness I had so I could eventually treat my madness. I knew depressive people were not so angry and are able to control their moods better. Finally, in July 2020, I told my 6th psychiatrist he needed to listen to me. I was finally diagnosed correctly. He was either going to listen to me, or I was going to become another statistic. I am now on proper medication. Bipolar disorder is one of the most expensive mental illnesses to treat and diagnose. My medical bills prove it. It cost me anywhere from $3k to $6k a year just to treat my mental illness. Without insurance, it would be more. However, at the end of the day. My life is worth so much more than money, worth more than gold, and worth more than medical bills. I am done. I found my voice, and this system better watches out. Because mental healthcare is about to get called out. This is one of the most difficult things I have ever dealt with in my life. This will never end. No. No, stimulus check will help. I have a permanent illness that will never go away, that I have to continuously treat.
Where many people would have given up, committed suicide, and not seen the 6 different psychiatrists, 3 different counselors, 1 – 4-day stay at an inpatient hospitalization for suicidal ideation in 2019, 1 extensive outpatient therapy program designed for 6 weeks – 4 days a week for 3 hours a day, weening on and off several handfuls of different medications, wrong ones, right ones, fucked up ones, a denied trip to the mental hospital for suicidal ideation in 2015, then finally being accepted 4 years later to the mental hospital for suicidal ideation.
Through all these struggles I kept going and going. I kept going with all these obstacles against me, all while still taking care of my relationship, taking care of my mental health while still on the wrong medications, taking care of our children aka dogs, receiving promotions, and praise at work. I held myself together. I felt it all inside, a madness. I wanted to scream, I wanted to run. I didn’t know where to run, or where to scream where no one would hear me. Where no one would worry about me if I just needed to explode. I was constantly putting everyone and everything else besides myself first, and as a priority in life, and it had been eating me up.
Statistics show I already have an average of 9.2 years taken off my life span, due to me having bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder affects approximately 2.3% of the U.S. population, affecting more women than men. Some of the medication I take that helps treat this illness, also has damming effects to the body, as well. This does not mean only weight gain. But I am referring to the shrinkage, and damage to your central cortex. This can occur if taking certain medications daily, for many, many years. Additionally, 1 in 5 people who suffer from bipolar 1 disorder, will commit suicide, and that statistics doubles for people who have bipolar 2 disorder. Now, you may understand why it is so important for me to keep myself grounded, levelheaded, and away from any negativity.
But, you know what statistics also show? Statistics also show that people with bipolar disorder are more empathetic, more creative, and more talented than other individuals. Research says this is due to people with this disorder using their talents as an outlet of their mania. It kind of helps them speak externally. Carrie Fischer was one of my idols, who suffered from bipolar disorder. If you have time look up her interviews about the manic depressive disorder, which is also known as bipolar disorder.
I have recently found a new light, and I am trying to stay grounded and speak my truth. People have thanked me for telling my story, and I just want people to know that you are not alone. I thought I was alone, left in a very dark place for many years. You can make it, you can and will survive this. On a personal side note, I do take work and my work ethic seriously. Some call me a workaholic, but work feeds my mania. Where drugs, drinking, and social engagement feed other’s mania, work always fed mine. If my story can help someone, touch someone, save a life, make them smile, this is all worth it to me. If I can ultimately erase a statistic of suicide, then that is a life well worth living to me. This is not my journey alone. Yes, this is my story, but there are millions of people across the world that have and are currently suffering.
I found a quote that I’d like to share that I feel perfect grasps at what being Bipolar actually is minorly like, below.
“I have bipolar 2 disorder:
My moods change more often than the seasons, and with that my moods, my energy levels change also. I am either too up, or too down, but I am rarely in between. When I am down, I cannot just snap out of it. I cannot think positively to make it all go away. I can barely pull myself out of bed and into the shower. Being around people is just too hard. I do not always feel sad sometimes I feel nothing at all. It may seem like I am giving up, but this is when I am fighting my hardest, just to stay alive. When I am up, life is wonderful. Nothing can go wrong, and I have all the energy in the world. I want to go out, I want to DO, I want to accomplish. I am confident. I talk too fast, and I think too fast. And it bothers me when those around me cannot keep up. Sometimes I am irritable or snappy. I want things done my way. I want everything done at once. I am impulsive. I like being up more than being down, but I am down much, much more often. The hardest part of the disorder is that I never know when my mood will change. It is a rollercoaster, and it is exhausting to ride a rollercoaster every day of your life. I hide what I am going through in order to make you feel more comfortable, and I am tired. I did not ask for this any more than a person asks for cancer. I fight it every single day. I AM STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW”
I respect people who recognize that they have a mental illness, and/or take preventative maintenance, and take medication for it. That is the socially responsible thing to do. I feel people who do not take medication will ultimately blame their negative behaviors on their illness, and not take ownership, or responsibility. I take medications and I feel alright. Yes, I do not work as fast, and my thought processes have totally changed. But I am still the same person at the end of the day. I have no time for drama or negative people with the limited time I have in this world. You do you, and I will do me. However, the last thing anyone will pretend to be is better than anyone else. Because chances are people aren’t better than anyone else. God knows I am not. You are only as sick as your secrets, and I have none.
I will not be silenced because it may make one feel uncomfortable talking about a subject. Welcome to my life, and the 21st century.
#IamLithiuminati
 B U S I N E S S – I N Q U I R E S; VOICE, PRODUCT SPONSORS, ETC. [email protected]
 Y O U T U B E https://www.youtube.com/IamLithiuminati
 I N S T A G R A M http://instagram.com/IamLithiuminati
 T W I T T E R http://twitter.com/IamLithiuminati