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These past few days have been amazing. Nick and I did it 8 times yesterday and 5 times today. Sex aside, I just really enjoyed spending time with him. I thought he was perfect before but he is just the epitome of perfect now. I don’t even understand how he can be more perfect than perfect.

I feel so lucky to be his girlfriend and honestly I just want to show the world how lucky I am to be with nick. He makes me so so so happy and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

#20191109

Today was perfect. I feel so happy. I haven’t been truly happy in so long so this feels surreal.

I want to spend the rest of my life with nick and I’m so excited for what the future holds.

I’m thankful for the past year because it opened me up to what it’s like to not have nick. Which is complete shit. It feels so weird to have someone who understands you so completely. I really don’t know how this happens. But damn, it feels really really good. Damn... I’m actually smiling right now. It feels like I haven’t felt this good ever. Fuck.

#20191102

I am so excited for tmr!!! Gaaaah! I feel like I haven’t been this happy in a long time: I am just so excited to see nick... but I know I shouldn’t hype it up but I can’t help it.. he is just so perfect. Argh!!!

Finale

Nick,

I am sorry for our break up. I wanted us to be our best selves and for you to find someone that truly makes you happy.

After our break up, I realized that I was my best self with you and I was 100% myself. You always encouraged me to be better and you were always there for me. Unfortunately, I took for granted how perfect you were. Honestly, I did not feel up to par with what you wanted, but that was probably my low self-esteem. I know now that I can make you happy and I did make you happy. I have realized how I can improve and I have improved on those aspects. For example, one time you gave me the wrong directions while driving in downtown and I snapped. I should not have snapped at you. I should have been more forgiving since it was a confusing road and I am sorry.

I constantly think about you, I still care about you and it feels like you are that one person that will be on my mind for a lifetime.

To get to the point, I am hoping that we could meet up and talk. If you are completely happy now without me, I understand that you probably won’t want to meet. Our relationship ended so we both could be happy and if you are happy now, that is all I would have ever wanted. I am also sorry for this message. It took me a while to send because I didn’t want to hurt you, but wouldn’t it be worse if you felt the same way as me and we both said nothing? Anyways, I truly am sorry, Nick.

#20191030

Final

Send: Wednesday, October 30 at 7 p.m.

Nick,

I am sorry for our break up. I wanted us to be our best selves and for you to find someone that truly makes you happy.

After our break up, I realized that I was my best self with you. You always encouraged me to be better and you were always there for me. Unfortunately, I took for granted how perfect you were. Honestly, I did not feel up to par with what you wanted, but that was probably my low self-esteem. I know now that I can make you happy and I did make you happy. I have realized how I can improve and I have improved on those aspects. For example, I hardly ever wanted to talk about my job and how it relates to the economy, but you always had an interesting perspective. I should have listened to you and I should have shared what I knew too.

I constantly think about you, I still care about you and it feels like you are that one person that will be on my mind for a lifetime.

#20191027

Draft 5

Just four more days until I can send this to you...

Nick,

I have had a lot of time to reflect on our relationship and the reflection being hard is an understatement. I feel entirely guilty and genuinely sorry. I definitely did not want us to stop talking entirely and I thought that we could at least be friends, but we are not anything anymore and that hurts me the most. I have been wanting to send you a message for the longest time when I was sad, happy or feeling anything at all, but I had to stop myself each time because I did not want to hurt you. However, I have analyzed this tediously and sending you this message is better for both of us. First we can mend things that went astray and second we can clear up where our future is headed.

Hopefully we can talk, but I completely understand if you don’t want to.

We left off on a feeling that we would be together again in the future and I constantly hold on to that fact. I think we need to clarify this so we can both mov on. Honestly, I just fucking miss you so much. and I feel like total shit. You were always there for me and I took you for granted. So I fucking suck. This is probably not usable anymore because it is superrr depressing. I kinda just wish i was 20 again and with Nick. fuck me.

Although I guess it is okay, because now I have perspective of how a real relationship should be like and that is Nick.

okie restart.

#20191027

Guilt

I feel so guilty with how I treated nick. I should have appreciated him more. I should have been more understanding. I shouldn’t have hit him. I shouldn’t have been so mad when we were driving and he was giving me poor directions. It was not his fault the roads are so confusing. Wow I seriously feel like shit. I love you, nick. And I feel like such shit shit shit for hurting you. And I wish I could take it back. Fuck.

Even the things that you did to me. I forgive you. I forgive you for not wanting to see me that one night. Sometimes we just need some alone time. I forgive you for not telling me about your parents. I can see now that it does really hurt you and I shouldn’t have been so unempathetic about it. I probably just cared about myself and the fact that you didn’t tell me. But hey. No more secrets. I love you inside and out. I want you no matter what your past is. It’s the current you that I want.

#20191020

Life is a comedy

I just finished watching the joker and I can’t help but feel super weird right now. I feel sad. Sad about society and life. but hey... ‘that’s life!’

I really want to talk to Nick. it is weird... the joker kind of reminds me of nick and i feel like I need to save him and make him happy. or maybe he needs to save me. It does feel like I am in a very dark place and I could relate to a lot of the things in the movie. It also made me realize that maybe i am not as dark as i thought i was, which i a good thing... it means i am more of a positive person. RIght?

Anyways, I should work on my message again...

I asked myself why a message like this might upset you. Honestly, I think it might upset you, especially if you are happy right now. But in the long run it will be god for us.

Draft 4?

“ Nick,

I am sorry for our break-up. I wanted us to be our best selves and for you to find someone that you can have deep conversations with.

After our break up, I realized that I was my best self with you. I was happy. You always encouraged me to be better and I took for granted how perfect of a boyfriend you were. Honestly, I did not feel up to par with how well you treated me, but that is probably my low self-esteem. I have realized how I can improve and I have improved on those aspects. For example, I should take your deep talks about movies as a learning opportunity and in the future I can also have long conversations about the most mundane movies with you.

I constantly think about you. I still care about you and It feels like you are that one person that I will always think about tomorrow, in five years, and in my lifetime.

To get to the point, I am hoping that we could meet up and talk. If you are completely happy now without me, I get that you probably won’t want to meet. Our relationship ended so we both could be happy and if you are happy now, that is all I would have ever wanted. I am also sorry for this message. It took me a while to send it to you because I didn’t want to hurt you, but wouldn’t it be worse if you felt the same way as me and we both didn’t say anything? Anyways, I probably said this enough but I truly am sorry.

“

#20191020

Day 1 of messages

I still really want to send that message. My heart seriously hurts. I also think I’m getting anxiety because of this. Big oof I feel like shit. 12 more days....

#20191018

Nightmares

I had the worst dream last night. Nick posted a picture with a new GF. The thing that made me upset was that this girl looked like trash and nick looked so different too. An attractive hobo look. Anyways, I was furious and super sad all morning/afternoon/ now.

It is just a dream... why can’t I get over it!!! It was not even real, but it really had me thinking about what if it was real. I always said if nick had a girlfriend I ould be happy for him. But maybe I just really want that girlfriend to be better than me. But I also feel like there is no girlfriend that can be better than me esscially if I improve myself.

I was lacking when I was with Nick and I can see that now and know how I can improve.

1. Sex drive. I think recognizing that I had a low sex drive compared to him was important and if we discuss it we can do things that make it better. Also, if we live on our own we can do so many new things.

2. Discussions about money/economics. I feel a lot more equipped to discuss these things with him. I could learn a lot from him and he could learn a lot from me too!

3. I would appreciate him way more than I did before, because our connection was SO rare. I realize that now. I really still love him and I don’t think I could ever love anyone as much as I love him.

4. I think it was good that we discussed so many things when we broke up because we can improve on those things.

Anyways, I really would like to message him. I think it would be best to have the initial message with just.

“Hi Nick. I think that we should meet to talk. I understand if you don’t want to meet me and if you are completely happy now please carry on. “

actually no. too cold.

“Nick, I still think about you and I was hoping that we could talk. If you are completely happy now, I understand if you don’t want to meet. I hope that you are happy now, because that is why we broke up... so we can be our best selves.

To be completely honest, I found that with you... but hopefully we can talk about that when we meet. I am sorry for messaging you like this. I heard that you live in Saskatchewan now, so we could always meet in the middle? “

is this too strong? although i don’t know how it can not be strong. oof.

“ Nick,

I am sorry for our break-up. I wanted us to be our best selves and for you to find someone that you can have deep conversations with.

I constantly think about you. I still care about you and It feels like you are that one person that I will always think about tomorrow, in five years, and in my lifetime.

To get to the point, I am hoping that we could meet up and talk. If you are completely happy now without me, I get that you probably won’t want to meet. I am also sorry for this message. It took me a while to send it to you because I didn’t want to hurt you, but wouldn’t it be worse if you felt the same way as me and we both didn’t say anything? Anyways, I probably said this enough but I truly am sorry.

“

#20191017

Closure?

It is not really closure or is it? I want to get over this, but I want to talk to him for the right reasons. I don’t want to talk to him just because he might be talking to someone else or other selfish reasons that I really don’t have.

I think it will be good to talk to him to get everything out and really close the relationship. We ended on such cliffhangers... we said that we would maybe be together in 5 years and that we would still be friends and I just think we need to clarify those things. One - we are not friends anymore since we never talk and two - I am hanging on to that hope that we would be together and I really need to close that to move on.

Unless we talk and we get back together which would be ideal. I am scared, however. I am scared that nothing would have changed. I love outdoors-y stuff so much and sports so will I be able to handle him not doing those things, or maybe he will compromise. or maybe he has changed?? I am not sure since we don’t talk. Yea, i have been googling and searching for answers for so long and the answer is that we should meet in person and talk about it. Hopefully soon. I told jo I would give myself until October 31.. but that just seems so far away. But I need to take time... right? Self-love. right? I am not doing this out of lonliness because I really do love nick. I care about him so much and I would really truly do anything for him. I hope he is okay.

Also, was it wrong of me to post our song on my story that only he will see? I don’t know. I don’t really feel any regret. I just really want him to talk to me. When will he talk to me? How will he get the hint to talk to me??? UGH. I am seriously dieing here.

#20191013

nickity nick nick

oh nick. how i long to talk to you. whenever i think about it i feel like i should have broken up with db sooner just so i can talk to you. hmph.

I have a dilemma. I want to practice self-care, but I can’t stop thinking about you and I feel like I need closure. I think after Vancouver I will seriously think about it. I mean I seirously can’t live like this. I will just send him a message and at least it is not on my hands that we can’t restart, but it will be on him. Love is two ways... and if he does not accept, then i will seriously need to move on, because he is done with us. ouch. although if he does accept then hopefully we can live happily ever after.

I hope this isn’t a mistake either, which is something I have to think about. I really don’t want our hearts to break AGAIN. Although I sincerely feel so so so invested in nick. and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I only think about him because he actually is perfect. and i also miss him so much. Am I idealizing him. We broke up for a reason? yeah we did. but I forgive him. for all of it . although I still want to go backcountry camping. maybe he is into that stuff now? people change?

I don’t know. I guess when we talk, we both need to be clear about what we need. Maybe we won’t have that connection anymore, to which case that is fine cuz then we aren’t meant to be then we can both move on. I just feel like I need to see him one last time. is that so bad?

let me draft my message to him again.

Nick,

I thought about sending you a casual message to see how you were doing or a super lengthy message to spill out all of my feelings, but I will go for the medium length message that is concise and hopefully translate how I am feeling.

First off I want to say I am sorry. The only thing I regret from our relationship is hurting you. I struggled with this for a long time and I still am struggling.

You are probably thinking, What is the point of this message? The point is that almost two years later I still think about you constantly and I think that I need closure or something to move on or not move on. I still love you unconditionally and I would do anything for you. I can’t really say that about anyone except my immediate family. There was a special spark about our relationship and I feel like you are the one person I will never forget.

I think what is causing me to hang on is that we said we could be together in 1,2 or 5 years from now. I still hang on to that hope that we will be together and that is deterring me from moving on.

Now that this message is borderline getting long... I will stop there. I miss talking to you, nick. Even if we could talk as friends that would mean a lot too. Anyways, if you are perfectly happy in life and have moved on, please don’t respond to me. The point of our break up was so that we can be happier people, so I really don’t want to deter you from that. I understand if you don’t reply, but if you do I was hoping that we could see each other to talk.

#20191002

Happy

I don’t know what it is but I am feeling good. I haven’t felt happy in a while. I noticed how anxious I was feeling all the time when he didn’t text me back or when I had to text him back but I didn’t want to. Yeah now it’s just off and it feels so good. Not to say it was terrible but I honestly feel good right now. This relationship was so draining. And I am so glad we broke up.

It is kind of awkward seeing his friends, but I feel like he hasn’t told them yet. So yeah. Hopefully it is not awkward. I don’t think I should tell them since he is closer to them, so I will just wait until it comes up in conversation.

Anyways, I feel so relaxed. And I’m glad I can maybe talk to nick freely, but I should sort out my feelings before I do that. I wouldn’t want to hurt him again.

#20191001

Relieved

Today was the day. The day I finally broke up with Db. I think I constantly worry about the worst when it went better than I expected it to go. Db is honestly a kind person who I probably don’t give enough credit too. I always talk shit, but he is actually a kind considerate person.

It was pretty sad. But he wants to stay friends and I want to too. He looked really cute today and it was hard but I’m proud that I did it. I definitely feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. I feel happier. I knew it wasn’t that great for both of us and we just weren’t a perfect fit, sovthis was for the best. No regrets. He wasn’t going to change and I wasn’t going to change either so that’s just how it is.

It is sad. Because we spent so much time together but I won’t forget. June 22. 2018 - sept 30 2019. 1 year and 3 months. It reached its end.

Anyways. Goodbye Db. I hope you have a good life and that you find someone that matches you.

We also did it.... for the last time and yeah interesting stuff happened that I probably won’t forget.

Also I’m still thinking about nick which is yikes. But those are thoughts for another day .

#20190930

Last Day

It’s weird. Tomorrow I’m going to break up with DB, but I can’t stop thinking about nick.

It feels like I don’t even care about DB anymore. Our conversations are boring and mundane. I don’t think I can be myself in front of him because he does not like that. And I want to be myself. Anyways, we’re better off going our separate ways.

Nick. I can’t help but feel like I made a mistake. We shouldn’t have given up so fast. I don’t know. We did break up for a reason but those reasons have been forgiven. Maybe I’ll write u another letter right now to get everything off my chest.

Nick. I am still not over you. I know it is a lot to take in, but everyday I can’t stop thinking about you and these past few months it has been constant.

You’re my first everything. I loved you back then and I still love you now. I will love and care about you unconditionally for a lifetime. There are not that many people I would say that too. Probably just four people in my life, but our relationship just felt so deep. If anything happens to you or if you need abosolutely anything I would be there.

I miss you a lot. You were my rock. You were someone I could always talk to. I knew you were there for me and I was there for you. Honestly maybe you should’ve proposed. I don’t know. I just want a future with you more than anything. It’s you, nick. You’re just perfect. And I love every single aspect of you. Please please please talk to me again.

Nick

This is what I want to say to him and I seriously can’t sleep right now but I feel tired or very low energy.

Nick. I am still not over you. I know that sentence is heavy, but I feel like I need closure or something so I or we can move forward for the better.

If you don’t respond to this, I completely understand. I will take it that you are completely happy now without me or that you have moved on.

I do feel sad or maybe even depressed now that we don’t talk at all. There is a huge void in my life without you and even if I had you as a friend that would be fine too, but we’re honestly not even friends anymore.

These past few years I have written messages to you about how I am feeling and then deleted them. In those moments, I truly needed someone to talk to because I felt really isolated, but I didn’t want to hurt you more or place that burden on you.

When we broke up, I was extremely sad. I cried on the lrt to and from work and the only way I could try and not cry was to listen to music and to try and concentrate on something else. Then a month passed and I tried very hard to move on. I joined boxing, worked out a lot more, joined some sport teams, and hung out with friends. I was busy every day and my mind was pre occupied. I didn’t have time to think about it anymore. This was great... until my Banff trip in sept 2018.

What a shitshow that was. Banff... our first trip together. Going there and walking around... all those memories flooded back and I felt destroyed. Couple that with Amy showing Cynthia your new tinder profile, I just felt like dieing right then and there. Since that trip I don’t think I have been the same. I have thought about you every single day since then.

All the little things that we broke up on. I forgive you. I forgive you for saying what you said that time you had your headphones on and I came to surprise you. I forgive you for not telling me about your family. I forgive you for not being romantic in the beginning, because I realize that you were being very romantic. Honestly, I think about the little things that you did do for me everyday. At night when i am in bed, I remember you warming up the bed for me. I remember you staying late and waiting for me to sleep. I remember how you would always get me water or get me anything that I needed. I remember you always being there for me and how I was always there for you.

I miss you so much, nick. And I hope that we can talk about us in person.

I know I don’t deserve to know how you are doing anymore, so please don’t feel bad for not responding.

I just want to say thank you and I’m sorry for hurting you. Hurting you is the only thing I regret about our relationship.

#20190927

Numb

My ears feel numb, my breathing is heavy, my heart hurts, and I have so many mixed feelings I don’t think I can comprehend it anymore.

I seriously feel so depressed and helpless. I want to do something about it but I can’t. Or maybe I can but I won’t. I don’t know.

I feel numb yet I don’t feel numb. I feel like I have a plethora of feelings. It’s too much for my body to handle.

I can’t take that nick even has a friend that is a girl. Is it his girlfriend? He never liked other people’s post... so obviously she means something to him. Oh my god. I think I seriously might die right now. I feel like I’m having a panic attack. I feel like my anxiety is heightened and I can’t I just want to cry. I just want to yell in the woods then have a good cry. Well actually I just want a hug then I think the tears will flow.

I’m just so tired. I am so tired of guessing how everything is. I just can’t do this anymore.

#20190927

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