I am your Hopi

'96, ENTP, Met BTS Highlight SF 2015 Multi-Fandom blog Totally open to talking and meeting people!

[iamyourhobi]

Because I'm sure no one still follows or check up on this account I'ma use it as a diary

I hate myself. I hate myself.

I hate that I am not proficient in any one thing. I have no one exceptional talent. I have nothing that stands past the other things I can do, that I can actually do anything with.

I've only ever had one dream for my life.

Be happy,

No regrets,

And to be a singer/dancer/actor.

But there are problems I realized:

I'm not happy,

I have regrets,

I cannot sing, I cannot dance.

I would like to say I can act, but in this country you need to be cut throat competitive and you need to have connections.

I am weak,

I know no one.

Even if say I could get a small role, it could be years before I get another. It's an unreliable source of income.

It's just not a smart move.

I have nothing else that really stands to potentially be put to use. I have no career goals, I have no dreams.

I hate this about me.

There are things I like, but honestly the joy I feel for myself is smothered by everything I hate about me.

I'm disgustingly messy.

Like I heard things because I "may" find a use for them.

My clothes are piled on the floor as oppose to being in my dresser. I have bins of makeup, skincare and haircare.

My walls and room are clutters and disorganized, you can't even walk in it.

I have always been this way.

I am stressed and overwhelmed.

I eat away my feelings. I always feel like I need to eat, I have relied on food as a source of comfort.

I have issues with approval from my mother. Approval I seem to never get because I'm not good enough.

I am always failing people's expectations of me.

I can't be what people want me to be.

I pretend I'm always ok,

And sometimes I am ok.

But sometimes I'm not, but I can't tell anyone that.

I haven't been ok for a very long time.

I always am pretending I'm living a different life.

No actually, that what I do.

Just like how kids play make believe, I do too.

I act out a different life when I am alone.

I pretend that that made up life is my reality.

I feel as though someone is watching me at all times,

Just like that Jim Carrey movie.

I can't stop thinking that I am always being watched.

There must be something wrong with me.

This is the most I have ever typed out about what I feel and do. I do so much more, I feel so much more.

But I am already embarrassed and ashamed. I already hate that I wrote this.

I hate that I hate myself.

I want to love myself.

I want to love my life.

[fydaniel]

©︎ do not edit

[straylov]

stray kids sims 4 au - chan original vid

[minhyukie]

monbebe is the sun ☀️

[lostyukhei-deactivated20181117]

nct as texts i've gotten

taeyong: i have this odd feeling that people think i have 4 children

lucas: i said it’s okay i love me too then he dumped me

mark: the only pie equation worth solving is the solution to get it in my mouth

johnny: caw caw goes the monkey

winwin: thanks for telling me you weren’t awake at 1 am

ten: no but really, are siri and google hooking up or nah

haechan: did you know you’re more likely to die on your birthday…happy bday

jisung: who serves salad as an appetizer like wtf we aren’t rich

taeil: what do you mean that’s a dead meme boi

jaemin: I think I might be the gay cousin

renjun: you think people would notice if justin disappears for a few days, it’s for a science project

yuta: all I want is to be in a relationship with an anime girl, is that too much to ask

doyoung: if i take over the world your attitude is gonna be the first thing to go

jaehyun: you think people don’t talk to me cause i look too beautiful or too hot

jeno: hahahahahha, I’m not laughing

kun: if you eat my lasagna i’ll disown you

chenle: apparently screaming for more cookies isn’t a job lol

jungwoo: my eye is twitching from winking at the waiter too much, you think he’ll notice

[got7-updates]

realstraykids

[leechanluvbot]

Our l(eader)ord and saviour line

[ohbaibeeitsyou]

Neo culture tech on my mind~ Johnny

[fymonsta-x]

WONHO IS BACK‏ ϟ do not edit or crop logo.

[fymonsta-x]

Once n’ Always ϟ do not edit or crop logo.

[monstaxmemes]

LEAVE KIHYUN ALONE

[tuanpumpkins]

some things never change: same hair color ✔️ eating kimbap in the waiting room ✔️ 

bonus: at least he didn’t drop his kimbap this time

[gifsmonstax]

[petitcho]

[strgaykids]

Chan trying to be sentimental ft. a VERY confused Lee Felix

[strgaykids]

How to train your Bang Chan

When he squeak duck you give treat

[amberjliu-deactivated20180517]

to my dearest jonghyun,

you were in pain. you were hurting. you were in pain and hurting and upset and lonely and sad and many other things as you passed on. you were also an amazing singer, talented songwriter, an outstanding human being, an integral president in the shinee world, and a father to the sweetest little ‘roo’. although you are no longer on this earth, your legacy, your love for people who needed help, your love for music, your overall essence, will remain long after. you, kim jonghyun, gave shawols, sm, your family and everyone in this world a piece of your heart through your talented body and we can never repay you for your selfless services, even if it did cost you your own happiness in return. the sweet voice that enchanted many will forever play on, and the songs you wrote are eternal. we say goodbye to your physical presence, kim jonghyun, but never to your soul, your heart, your very being. you were in pain. you were hurting, and now you’re free. so i say goodbye to you, kim jonghyun; insole wearing, puppy-pokemon hybrid look-a-like, crybaby, always-so-extra, kim jonghyun. may we meet again.

your sweetest,

an eternal shawol. 

(900408 -  ∞)