valium withdrawals are a bitch.
add the fact that i am now not allowed to take my sleeping pills & so that’s a shit show.
the next few weeks should be interesting as an adjustment
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@ibeaudoin
valium withdrawals are a bitch.
add the fact that i am now not allowed to take my sleeping pills & so that’s a shit show.
the next few weeks should be interesting as an adjustment
the easter bunny did not stop by here, but that is totally okay with me.
all i really want today is for my dad to win two races, so that he can hit 4500 wins in his career while i’m home.
i surprised him yesterday by coming home just incase he gets it. i didn’t want to miss it!
vegan recipes i’ve tried so far that are worth making (weather you are vegan or not)
- Blueberry Banana Muffins - Vegan Pasta Alfredo - Pad Thai Spring Rolls - Mexican Quinoa Stuffed Peppers - Minestrone Crockpot Soup (I omit the pesto and the parmesan)
first world problems
neopets game won’t load...
had a kid-filled weekend
- saturday: woke up with Carter & played all day. Brogan came over for them to have a playdate so I had both little ones for evening. - sunday: spent the day with Carter & Jeff. we went to the park and played for a while, then went to Barnes & Noble to read books and play with the train. picked up some lunch (I had a salad & minestrone soup). played all afternoon. saying goodbye to Carter after the weekend is getting so much harder. he claims that ‘he needs to stay here with his iz and his dad’ and he runs away when he sees his mom and starts crying. ughhh break my heart. - today: monday date day with brogan! his mom dropped him off at nine am. we played with the trainset and the cars - then we decided to go out to the park and play for a while (we picked timbits up on the way and sat at the park and ate those before we played!). came home & played with some balls, more cars and more trains! ended up going to the dollar tree and picking up a new truck and some containers i needed. he fell asleep in the car so we sat in the parking lot for a while until i dropped him off at his grandparents.
2016 is the year of me
in a non-selfish way, i have decided to make 2016 my year. the year where i learn more about my anxiety and how to control it, the year where i take control of my mental health and my physical health. the year where i stop running away from my problems and face them head on, no matter how terrifying that may be.
i started therapy again. for a while i had stopped going because i just felt that it was a waste of money. it’s all a matter of finding the right therapist for you and for now, i do feel that the lady i am seeing is the right fit for me. i have also changed my diet to a plant-based diet in hopes of healing both my mental state and my physical health (specifically my diabetes, but also for weight loss and general health).
i carry around an adult coloring book & markers with me in case i ever need to occupy my mind. i don’t find it as calming as most people do, but maybe it’s just because i’m so worried about getting outside of the lines. i’ve looked into yoga and meditation. i’ve done yoga in the past, but i plan on incorporating it into my daily life because it really does have so many benefits.
the main thing i’ve done, and am continuing to do, is worrying about my happiness before i worry about anyone else. for so long my only goal was to not piss anybody off, to make sure everyone around me was happy and doing well and realistically, it was overwhelming and not attainable. i was always so worried that people would think less of me if i stood up for myself or was rude when it was required. i started this year off by telling my in-laws off. i was so sick of their behavior and they honestly have yet to apologize for what they did and i’m glad i finally stuck up for myself. during relationship arguments these past weeks, i have not let it get under my skin. i’ve simply removed myself from the situation when need be, and i remained proud of myself when i accomplished something.
so yes, this year is very different for me. it’s scary. it’s tiring, REALLY tiring. it’s a lot of work, but in the end. i’m so hopeful it will all be worth it.
OFFICIALLY VEGAN
for the past month (a little longer i believe), i’ve been trying out the vegan diet. whole foods, plant based, whatever you want to call it. now i say i’ve been trying it out because i wanted to see how it would affect both my mental health and my physical health. if i felt at any time that i needed meat or wasn’t seeing a huge difference in my well-being, it wasn’t going to be a long-term thing. so for two solid weeks i stayed away completely from animal product. ANYTHING. then i ‘cheated’ and had dairy. and i woke up in the middle of the night feeling like i was going to die. stayed away from it some more. yesterday had cheese and today i feel like i’m going to die. needless to say, i’ve been watching more and more documentaries and doing readings, and i think i am officially going vegan from here on out. it will take work, it will take research, but feeling like this due to eating animal product is a really terrible feeling. i can do this.
what is happening?
my back is killing me, but only down my spine. it’s not a typical muscle soreness and i’ve never experienced this and it sucks.
one minute i’m starving, the next food sounds absolutely nasty. WHY?
vegan week 3 is coming to an end. definitely some changes i need to make (just variety mainly) but i feel pretty good!
Did I get hit by a bus?
Woke up this morning feeling a little off. Had some breakfast. Still feel off. I feel like crap. I feel like someone literally ran me over with a bus yet nothing happened. I don’t know why I feel like this and I wish it would go away now.
GOING VEGAN UPDATE!!
So it’s been five days since I have switched to eating a vegan diet. The first three pictures are the things I picked up at the grocery store. Keep in mind I already had pantry staples at home such as beans, other canned goods, pasta, sauces as well as some freezer staples (frozen vegetables, etc).
So far, so good. I also had take out one night - thai food (vegan pad see ew with tofu, broccoli, carrots, onions, peppers, zucchini, baby corn, rice noodles, black bean sauce) & then last night we got Chipotle (burrito with brown rice, black beans, fajita veggies, lettuce & salsa). Last picture is a comparison of before I started and today. I can already see a difference in my face (the chubbiness).
I’ll be sharing recipes I love over the weekend!
BECOMING A VEGAN
as of tomorrow, i will be eating a vegan diet (for health reasons).
i want to see if eating this way will benefit both my physical health (type 2 diabetes) & my mental health. i’m nervous but super excited!
Everything Is Awful and I’m Not Okay: questions to ask before giving up
Are you hydrated? If not, have a glass of water.
Have you eaten in the past three hours? If not, get some food — something with protein, not just simple carbs. Perhaps some nuts or hummus?
Have you showered in the past day? If not, take a shower right now.
If daytime: are you dressed? If not, put on clean clothes that aren’t pajamas. Give yourself permission to wear something special, whether it’s a funny t-shirt or a pretty dress.
If nighttime: are you sleepy and fatigued but resisting going to sleep? Put on pajamas, make yourself cozy in bed with a teddy bear and the sound of falling rain, and close your eyes for fifteen minutes — no electronic screens allowed. If you’re still awake after that, you can get up again; no pressure.
Have you stretched your legs in the past day? If not, do so right now. If you don’t have the spoons for a run or trip to the gym, just walk around the block, then keep walking as long as you please. If the weather’s crap, drive to a big box store (e.g. Target) and go on a brisk walk through the aisles you normally skip.
Have you said something nice to someone in the past day? Do so, whether online or in person. Make it genuine; wait until you see something really wonderful about someone, and tell them about it.
Have you moved your body to music in the past day? If not, do so — jog for the length of an EDM song at your favorite BPM, or just dance around the room for the length of an upbeat song.
Have you cuddled a living being in the past two days? If not, do so. Don’t be afraid to ask for hugs from friends or friends’ pets. Most of them will enjoy the cuddles too; you’re not imposing on them.
Do you feel ineffective? Pause right now and get something small completed, whether it’s responding to an e-mail, loading up the dishwasher, or packing your gym bag for your next trip. Good job!
Do you feel unattractive? Take a goddamn selfie. Your friends will remind you how great you look, and you’ll fight society’s restrictions on what beauty can look like.
Do you feel paralyzed by indecision? Give yourself ten minutes to sit back and figure out a game plan for the day. If a particular decision or problem is still being a roadblock, simply set it aside for now, and pick something else that seems doable. Right now, the important part is to break through that stasis, even if it means doing something trivial.
Have you seen a therapist in the past few days? If not, hang on until your next therapy visit and talk through things then.
Have you been over-exerting yourself lately — physically, emotionally, socially, or intellectually? That can take a toll that lingers for days. Give yourself a break in that area, whether it’s physical rest, taking time alone, or relaxing with some silly entertainment.
Have you changed any of your medications in the past couple of weeks, including skipped doses or a change in generic prescription brand? That may be screwing with your head. Give things a few days, then talk to your doctor if it doesn’t settle down.
Have you waited a week? Sometimes our perception of life is skewed, and we can’t even tell that we’re not thinking clearly, and there’s no obvious external cause. It happens. Keep yourself going for a full week, whatever it takes, and see if you still feel the same way then.
You’ve made it this far, and you will make it through. You are stronger than you think.
This post is available as a downloadable one-page PDF here.
Some people have asked about making this into a poster or redistributing it. This post is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License: alteration and redistribution are welcome as long as you attribute my tumblr. For some background and FAQ about the post, see my follow-up post.
when your mother in law doesn’t get her way and she feels the need to pretty much tear you apart and make comments about my anxiety disorder and how i pretty much should ‘suck it up’ and stop ruining family things.
do you know how juvenile and uncalled for that is? because you’re almost 50 years old, a mother & a grandmother and you should probably try a LITTLE harder to be an example rather than rip someone apart who suffers from mental health problems.
we have been potty training carter for a while now but it’s tough because we only usually have him every other weekend and therefore most of his potty training relies on his mother and his daycare. it’s taken a lot longer than i would have imagined or liked. this week we have him all week so i figured i’d take it into my own hands!
monday he started telling us when he would pee. which was a start. yesterday i got a little tired of him not telling me so i went all out and just took his pants and diaper off. removed them completely. he’s walking around with a naked bottom half. but you know what, it’s working for him right now. so I’m gonna work on it today again and if all goes well, i will introduce underwear tomorrow.
my biggest goal this month is to find my happiness again. miscarrying last month really took every ounce of happy i had in me and left me feeling empty, both physically and mentally. so this month, i plan to feed my body healthy foods, sweat out some toxins, stretch and find, deep down, the happy person i used to be.
thanksgiving & christmas with my boys (husband jeff & my stepson carter)