eto na pala mga gamit mo. hindi pa to kumpleto isusunod ko mga naiwan, yung mga nasa baba ill send sa bahay niyo sa ilo lahat. lahat ng binigay mo ibabalik ko, kahit pinakamaliit na keychain. ayoko ng kahit anong gamit na binigay mo kasi it felt na it didnt come from the heart especially the time malapit sa breakdown mo. You were trying to bribe me, buying my attention and affection like you think i was that shallow? sa tagal kitang laging kinocomfort pag nagkakaroon ka ng episodes and moods, sa dami ng mga bagay na ginawa ko para sayo ako pa tinatawag mong walang hiya sa likod ko? ibabalik ko lahat ng binigay mo sa akin, those that i cant i will pay in cash kasama yung sinasabi mong utang ko sayo na deposit. i will admit, marami akong utang talaga before pa and i didnt realize na yung mga libre mo is just you buying me. maybe it didnt start that way, pero it became obvious near and during your breakdown. you were giving me gifts, lagi mo akong 'nililibre' and basically love bombing me. you dont take no for an answer and then you get all sad when i do. alam mo nakakasakal na sobra. matagal na. hindi ko lang masabi kasi i was hoping na you would get better and then you could handle real emotions. pero ngayon ano? bumalik ka lang sa dati, naghanap ka pa ng mga tao na magvvalidate ng kwento na ginawa mo na ako lahat may kasalanan. alam mo salamat. salamat kasi kahit ganito nangyari satin you gave me enough courage to want to grow. unfortunately i was growing more than you could and you kept on holding me back. sinabi mo sakin one time nung depressed ka na you think i would be better off kung umalis ka and i said no. you know what i really wanted to say? yes. you were holding me back because i have to cater to you mood swings and your mental illness that im not even responsible for! You were using my reassurances as a crutch, you werent even trying to expand your deep friends! you just kept clinging on me and i fucking hate it! "when you say meet new friends it feels like youre pushing me away." I WAS!!! I WAS TRYING TO PUSH YOU AWAY GENTLY BECAUSE I WAS SO FUCKING TIRED AND I FELT SO CAGED IN I JUST HAVE HALF THE MIND TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE SAYING ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!!! i want to fucking hurt you by words so bad because its the only way it would stick forever. you said you would try and be better and i was so proud of you, but then i learned you stopped taking meds and stopped talking to your therapist. you know what im just so tired. just thinking what happened back then it really makes me angry and i cant even finish what i would want to say.
i heard you were talking shit about me na 'di ba ako nahiya sa mga ginawa mo para sakin'.wow. WOW. ikaw pa may lakas ng loob sabihin yan? sige isa isahin natin ginawa mo for me not complete list sure ako meron ka pang naalala na gusto mo isumbat sakin. una, nililibre mo ako, sige bayaran natin ng pera yan. sunod binibigyan mo ako ng 'gifts', sige ibalik lahat yan. tinulungan mo ako sa mga homework, lagi kang nagaask ng favor sa prof para sakin and the group, alam ko naman na flexing your connections gives you a sense of ego boost kasi you dont have a self that you can stand alone with. most of the homeworks i dont even want you to do, i became so dependent of you which is what i think you wanted. pero i hated what i have become, wala akong motivation mag aral, ayoko na pumasok kasi iaasa ko lang sayo mga gagawin, i said no when you offered me to do homework and i hated that i have to do that just so you wouldnt. i hate that you were so game on doing things for me that is literally detriment for me. thats why i started saying no to you, and you know what happened? modd swings. you got depressed frequently it was so tiring. we go out a lot which i dont like but i dont want to stay with you while youre in a depressive mood. i cant do anything with that, di ko mababalik or mababayaran ng pera pero we didnt ask for it. I didnt ask for it. you always offered. you made it seem like theres no strings attach tapos susumbatan mo ako?
kapal ng mukha mo. why dont you try not offering, wag mo iflex connections mo sa tingin mo may gusto sumama sayo? karamihan ng mga 'friends' mo sa school sumasama lang kasi they can get something from you. That sense of ego boost na nakukuha mo kasi hinahanap ka ng mga tao would disappear kasi if you dont have that you have no means of knowing who you are. you were a wreck nung walang pumapansin sayo kailangan mo pa magdabog para lang may lumingon sayo. you know whats sad? if only you would really want to heal and not make your mental illness your personlity you would really excel. i gave you years of my life supporting you, reassuring you, fucking repressing myself so you wont get mood swings, tinanggap ko lahat ng physical abuse na nakuha ko during that week na halos himatayin na ako tumayo lang ako tapos ikkwento mo na walang hiya ako? bayaran mo lahat ng emotional investment na binigay ko sayo hoping you would get better. ibalik mo yung time na hindi ako traumatized dahil sayo. alam mo yung kwento mo about the people who left you? dati akala ko talaga you were wronged, pero ngayon na naexperience ko to? i had an idea what went wrong. maybe they were just horrible people, maybe they really just dont care. or maybe they were pushed so hard that they dont have any choice but to complete cut you out of their lives, like me. i know youd say "but you said you wouldnt leave me, that you would stay" and i did, didnt i? i stayed when you were having depression episodes, i reassured you multiple times, i always said you did a good job, to take your time. I fucking stayed when you were having a breakdown, when you hurt me physically and left huge bruises that my parents saw. i stayed when i was emotionally drained and i had half the mind to just tell you to kill yourself. i stayed when all i wanted was to leave. but what did you do? you fucking wanted more. you wanted the things you know you couldnt have, threw a tantrum using your mental illness as an excuse and then blame me for how everything went down? how fucking generous of you. HOW FUCKING KIND OF YOU. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU DID FOR ME. and whats more frustrating is that i really meant it when i said you were one of the first people i told secrets about, my father, my low self esteem, and how im scared of the future because i dont know what i want. i did became more open because of you and i really thank you for that. but becoming more open means growing, and even though i didnt know what i wanted to be that time i know i wanted to grow. i want more. im tired of what i was and where i was at that time. but you dont seem to want to leave that place. i outgrew you and you were hellbent on keeping me there. for what? to reassure you? to make sure that youre still worth something?
when i started this rant i thought i could go on for hours just typing everything calling you out on every single thing, but now that im writing this part. everythign is just suddenly calm. im rereading the parts i wrote and i dont feel anger anymore. maybe it will return maybe not. all i feel for you is pity. that you had the support you need and then you fucked it real bad. then you revert and find people who will comfort you but not encourage you to grow. im sorry youre stuck in that cycle. i really hope you get better. it is still annoying when i hear your voice and see you, if youve noticed i cant even look you in the face the last year we were roommates. i cant even feel the annoyance or anger i felt that time. ive spent enough time on you i think im done. looking back i really was making a lot of morbid jokes and saying i wanted to die and i thought it was just my humor, turns out it was a coping mechanism. now that im in a better place i couldnt even joke that, maybe from time to time but when i find the thought i dont really mean it. i dont actually want to die, i want to live and experience more. i think i do have a morbid sense of humor but i dont need it to be happy. im happy where i am now. i am more sure of myself, i have friends that i have good boundaries with, i am learning to establish my own boundaries, im unlearning the trauma you gave me with a supportive partner, im actually having plans for the future even if im scared and im still unsure if i can do it. im excited to live. im feeling real emotions. i cry a lot now but it feels so good being able to just let it out and let myself regulate properly. i know you will say i dont have a mental illness like you, yeah i dont and im lucky for that. but you cant use that as an excuse because people with mental illness like you were able to live full and happy lives. "but im different" theres a reason why they were able to diagnose mental illnesses, because theres a bunch of people that are the same as you and those people were able to cope. i know its not easy but some of them probably have a worse life than you had. i worked hard to reach where i am today and when i say that i really did. i had a lot of step backs and even thinking id die like that but i kept going. a part of me really wants to grow no matter how painful. and it is very painful. but its about learning and adapting, new experiences are scary pero it opens up new paths to explore.
if it wasnt obvious im saying goodbye. im severing ties na because not only it became toxic you were talking shit of me behind my back, even though i admit some of it are true, but i wouldve appreciated it if you told me straight. i wouldve paid and given you everything back. im just really disappointed with how you handled that and i know you hate that word but its the only word that can describe how i felt when i learned that. im disappointed in you. i still hope you get better but i wont be in it. in the future maybe there will be a chance to reconnect but for now im saying goodbye. i need to heal the trauma you left me. you can talk more shit behind my back i dont care now, it will all come back to you when they know the truth. i guess being in a better place is the best revenge after all.
