No More. No Less. @icecream-edsoloud - Tumblr Blog

DAY 279 (thank you)

I took my third NMAT last May, and I assured myself that that would be the last time I'd sit in front of my computer with a camera on me, taking the test for three long hours. I even filmed myself checking the results (with the expected rating that I had in mind), praying that this was indeed my year. I reached my desired PR, and that's when I knew. After countless times of writing down "entering medical school this year" for the past four years on different platforms, not to mention my planners (that I consistently get from my bff), this is it.

And I can’t help but share this tremendous feat with my friends, my college friends. I eagerly sent them messages and their replies boosted my desire more. They deserve to know the best way I know; coming straight from me.

June was great to me. I applied as an online English language tutor in a company that is undeniably asking for a lot. The one-way interview was the easiest part; the rest gave me meltdowns at two in the morning. After a couple of convincings, I told myself that I needed this. So, I pushed through. Ecstatic that I did.

The sixth month of this year's beauty didn't stop there. My friends, including my guy, traveled to Cebu. One of us has already been there a year ago, so she was kinda like our guide, in addition to our real tour guide, who was also our cheerful driver. Cebu greeted us with heavy rains—a special welcome if I was to describe it more. (I would like to tell this story in a different post; I'll finish it, I promise.)

When we got back to our city, comparing was inevitable.

I spent most of my July days in bed and having English lessons with Japanese professionals at night. I gave my last remaining days (before the start of the A.Y.) to myself by going to my guy's sister's wedding, my guy's band playing at a festival in Tiwi, and my guy's family outing in Sorsogon. All of that, in four days straight.

Then came the moment we've all been waiting for—my first day of medschool. I glorify every person I come across who wears their coats proudly, and I was terrified and amazed all, at the same time, that I get to be the person I glorify.

I thought I had bid my last goodbye to the sea. Turns out, I didn't. I was invited, yet again, to an outing, a-gain, this time with my guy's friends. We snuggled inside his new car for two hours all the way to Sorsogon; however, we didn't ride a boat this time to get to an island. Our beach destination was Lola Sayong's resort, a SURF camp. AND I FOR ONE WOULD NEVER LET THIS PASS. I mean, growing up with Lilo & Stitch playing on the television, I convinced myself that surfing is as easy as ABC. I was undoubtedly wrong. But it was so fun! The waves crashed like there was no tomorrow; still, locals said there were much bigger waves than what we encountered, yet the day that we came was good, unlike the day before when the waves didn't care to say hello.

Going back to school, quizzes were here and there. It's really God's blessing that He let me be with the people who'll help me and vice versa. I squeezed in my schedule the planned meeting of my work friends and my close friend's baby christening. It really stuns me how a person can be a malefactor in different versions.

After our preliminary examinations, our group celebrated by singing until one am at a KTV. Next that came was foundation week. I evaded most of the activities, except swimming. I was literally the first one who signed up for that. Shockingly, the week had different plans for me. I ended up joining the folkdance, street dance, and exhibition dance. Cool, right? For someone who semi-casually evaded dancing throughout college and working years.

To finish this off, twenty-six was tremendously thrilling. I couldn't have it any other way.

Hello, vingt sept. Nice to meet you.

(I'll post my photos on my other account so as to not destroy the solemnity of this piece.)

Day 238

There's no better way to say this but after all these years of hoping, dreaming, yearning for the day I get into medschool, it's finally here.

To be exact, I'm almost three weeks in.

And everyday, I'm reminded by how much I wanted this whole sht. But I guess it comes with a price. A huge one.

I had to let go of something I clearly want just to get a hold of my dreams fully. I've been observing myself these past few weeks and I can say that standing with my own two feet has its perks. I'm a real fan of coincidences and such, and being with myself makes me appreciate it more.

The gravity of this situation has glued my whole existence to the floor. Is this meant to be? Thirteen out of the three hundred and sixty five days were attributed to this question. Are we really meant to be?

DAY 354

i wasn't aware that i was going to be unavailable for other activities besides work during my one week ordeal prior to leaving for Baguio.

to expand this thing above, let me take you back to the early months of 2023, when a certain girl contacted me for taking up her place as a reliever at her workplace (where I occasionally have may part time work when I can, but now is under my never-to-do-list-again which i will tell you in a different story). I, the strong girl that I think I am, took the chance of making extra cash for the purpose above-mentioned. we talked about the schedule but somehow got lost in translation for I also have some agendas on her proposed dates. she was the one stepping aside, changing the dates that should be convenient for me. i appreciated that.

we ended up with the dates August 3 to 10, 8am to 5pm. i also asked some of my fulltime workmates if they were willing to do some part time work and all of them said yes. i took the liberty to write their names on my planner, on what day they're scheduled to go in, and also gave them to the girl. i may not know what i was trying to get myself into at that very moment. i thought "meh what could go wrong". in contradiction to this thought, i prepared a back up plan. if in any case they weren't available on that day, i will take over their shoes. so I asked for my schedule on that cut off to be all night duty at my full time workplace. just.in.case.

august came and the first day was okay. my night shift starts at 7pm and ends at 7am the next day. i did tell them that i will be going to be late for I may need more than an hour to prepare. i got there and everything went smooth. 5pm came and it was my cue to go home, rest for an hour, then prepare for my night shift.

here is where things get a little interesting, or disturbing. certain happenings let my workmates stray from our original plan. hey, i cant just abandon the girl who moved her vacation leave so many times. so there I was, accepting the challenge of another 24 hour duty. you do the math, because this roll continued for another 3 days.

i only got my break when sunday came. but i still had my full time shift, mind you.

then there i was again, 24 hrs of mixed impetus in life for 3 more days. this was the time i questioned myself, and other people. how the hell did they manage this kind of set up???? i mean i can do it, i did it, but how the hell did i????????? that's my question. because thinking back now, i might've enjoyed it but the strength that i had, i wasn't sure of it, of how long it was going to last.

in case you got curious why i wasnt able to take a whole day off, my answer is because I pooled all of my day offs at the end of the cut off. why? baguio baby. hahahahahaha have you connected it all together?

dont judge me just yet. if i can recall correctly, this was the outline of how this happened to me::

• i told the girl i can do august 3 - 10 (may)

• i went to manila // bulacan for a concert (june)

----- mama wanted to travel too

----- mama wanted to celebrate her bday at a different place

I THOUGHT, BAGUIO.

her birthday is on august 14.

• i booked the plane tickets to manila (july eleven)

• i went to batangas for a wedding (end of july)

then it was august. i guess taylor and i have different insights with August. august was all mine.

you reap what you sow, they say. i think this applied to me in a very positive way. i didnt get sick, i did my job pretty well in both facilities (almost, told you there's a story behind this), and i got extra cash.

WE FURTHERMORE ENJOYED BAGUIO. IN ALL ITS GLORY. I KNOW I DID. I APPRECIATED IT MORE NOW THAN WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID.

DYK THAT WHEN WE ARRIVED, THE RAIN STOPPED? A TRIVIA MY OLD FRIEND TOLD ME. I HONESTLY NEVER THOUGHT WE'D SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN. i traced my old photos and found a photo of us at SM Baguio with a note at the back. will let you see it soon. i just have to have our new photo developed so i can put them side by side.

so there you have it. you don't know how happy i am right now for finishing this one 20 days before the year ends. (((special thanks to leiza for giving me a day off (the second one next to my sunday off)))

#taylor swift #august #baguio #workload

Day 282

and if I did choose you again

I am using my remaining energy to type this in. I haven't got a hold of my laptop for a long time and there's a sense of satisfaction when I hear the keyboard clicking. I am having a flu attack. It's been like this since last month however I don't reckon its as serious as it was before. Especially, it wasn't flu. I have contacted my dear nurse friend on what to take cause I can't rely on myself right now.

I have been stalling really. Our Baguio escapade was all I could ever ask for, not until someone decided to step back and feel sick on the second day. I may sound like I'm blaming him here right?, don't worry, I've gotten over it. The places we've been to on day 2 were just common spots. Though it would've been less common and more fun if he went with us.

If you are wondering why he got sick, well my guy ate street foods before we rode the bus on day zero. Classic, isn't it? Thank God He gave us day one.

Can you tell that everything you're reading is about him? Of course you can. And I have a very good reason for that. I decided to go through my own tunnels alone now. It's scary as hell, but I can survive. This may be the last one where I'll be focusing on that. Read my next entry on how I lived my August days that all led up to Baguio. I have three days off and my priorities are these, cleaning and organizing the rooms (from last september 30's ((another one on that)) "party"), and finishing gossip girl season 3. I might also squeeze in my new book. ALL OF THESE WILL BE ATTAINABLE IF THIS HIDEOUS ILLNESS GOES AWAY.

#flu

Day 211

A few months ago, my college best friend shocked me with the news of her pregnancy, plus her wedding. I literally cried my eyes out while we were video chatting and was even skeptical about all of it. I finally believed her after a couple of minutes when she showed me her pregnancy card. I was extremely happy for her during that moment and I felt that happiness again when I saw her walked down the aisle, took her mom and her mom’s husband’s hands, transferred them to the groom and stood there in the altar with him. I saw how happy she was and how thrilled she looked with what was happening to her.

The whole morning of the wedding was focused on getting ready but my other best friend and I had other things on our minds and took countless of photos. Rain poured down though before we had the chance to take photos outside. So we worked with what we got. A huge bathroom with a bathtub and a door that opened to the veranda. The bedroom was occupied by the bride and her glam team and we were one call away for the photoshoots and video shoots. We wore bathrobes with our names on it at one point and our gowns at another. Every little bit of it was fun. I enjoyed the scripted moments, hoping that it’ll look real (and phenomenal) in the final video. Thank God I was down right correct.

The bride-to-be, her maid of honor (who is also her bestest friend) and I slept together the night before they tied the knot. We did it again after the occasion because the MOH and I both decided to go home today. Oh, and also, she and I have become really close. We understood each other’s humors and I didn’t have a single tedious time with her. Everything was another whole meaning of FUN. Thanks for letting me ride with you, Brittany! You’re a bomb. Happy birthday too!!!

I enjoyed the talk we had when we woke up. I found out more about the guy she married and was complacent about their future together. Still, if she ever might need my aid when things get rough, I know where to go. Getting to their province wasn’t a piece of cake, especially at night. I made it whole despite of that so maybe the next one will be.

I’m on my way back to my hometown right this moment. I took a quick detour and went to see Papa in Manila. Or the other way around hahaha. Visiting Manila wasn’t part of my plan but I could never say no to my dear Papa. Nevertheless, Manila is indeed not my cup of tea anymore.

I wrote another long note about what I endured when I saw “someone” however I am not going to ruin this beautiful piece by reiterating it to you so just come up to me when you see me and ask for it in my iPhone’s notes. I’ll be more than delighted to share it with you (whoever reads any of my blogs here 🙂).

This has been another great experience and thank you for finishing this. See you in the next one!

#wedding #bridesmaids

Day 185

Lying right now in my bed without doing anything, except occasionally looking at my socials, makes me think about life again recently. Mine has been a whirlwind of feelings that is toppled up by this enormous need of wanting to be active with the people I love. Despite me showing these signs, it appears to be that they don’t want me to have even just a tiny space in their lives anymore. Oh the feeling of reject isn’t cute at all. I could tell you about every single one of ‘em, but not here obv. You have to go into my room, rummage in my belongings, flip open my planner, and read it to your heart’s desire.

What boggles me the most actually, and what pushed me to tell you guys this portion of my thoughts, is that I saw something that really had me sensing that I am unwanted by the person I ultimately adore. I thought we had the past that shared a million of experiences, which includes being open with each other no matter WHAT. One-sided feelings are the worst, I’m telling you. Okay. So rationale time. IT IS OKAY. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. DON’T MAKE IT ABOUT YOU. Clearly if she wanted you to know about it, she’d make you feel it. So chill, Alysson.

This doesn’t mean I’ll cut these people out of my life. I don’t do that. Not that kind of person at all. But I could try to play hard to get, can’t I? The only thing I think that can reciprocate what they’re doing to me. Then at the end of the day, I’ll say yes all over again. See me burning down the wall I tried so hard to build.

Day 175 (March 24, 2023)

I did not have the luxury of telling the story of our first concert ever. I think I let the video speak without me having to write it down. However, I won’t let this one slide again. Why? Only because this is my first time inside the Philippine Arena - one of the largest indoor arenas in the whole world. And it’s our greatest achievement, yet, us brethren. I only watched clips of it some time before during new year countdowns. I never thought it’ll be this big in person. Ugh but loneliness strikes me whenever I think about Taylor Swift not performing here. Did they even consider? Sigh.

Moving on from that, another great thing about this year’s concert is that we have a new device to use!!! We got it a few days ago. It may not be the one we wanted but it’s all the we got so might as well go for it, right? Even in life hahaha. Imagine skipping a number of generations of iphones, getting envious with other people having their hands on the latest ones, faded away in a single touch. All thanks to my guy. Ily forever!

I’m currently typing this from my phone, inside the arena, a few minutes left before this starts. Despite having our seats afar from each other, i think I’ll enjoy every bit of this surreal experience. I mean, a multitalented superstar is going to perform in front of me. Happy to be alive :)

Thanks for reading!!!

(Forgive me for JUST posting this one. No fancy reason at all.)

#bruno mars #brunomarsph #concerts

Day 143

Who would’ve thought my year would be like this? Specifically the beginning, where you assume nothing would ever go wrong as long as you freaking go with the strong flow of life, but now’s quietly breaking you into pieces without you even knowing. You’d hope it’ll end soon. No, not your life, but the deep pain that saddens you the very moment you open your eyes. The horror that surrounds the reality, that you inadvertently created to protect you from what’s out there, is now slowly making it’s way inside you. You did stop it countless of times. Stitching up the torn down areas so you won’t feel sorry for yourself. Smiling like you’re not battling with the very little shadows of fear (that in a snap of somebody’s finger, could make you lose your inner peace). Focusing yourself to the good things and pouring all your attention to it so as to not let your deranged self look the opposite side.

Now guess what? It’s been five months. I can only count with my fingers the very good things that happened where I was undeniably happy. My little bubble showed no signs of infiltration from the outside during those moments. Not a single thing. My mind was at peace and as I’ve said, I went with the flow.

However, moments like that would never let you stray from what’s really going on. I realized I lost a friend. I lost someone who I thought would catch the very bullet I caught for him. With those words that left his mouth and with that reaction from her, I knew I was an idiot. For believing with what I thought we shared, FRIENDSHIP, I cursed myself for being gullible again. Man, I thought those days were over. I mean grade school/middle school/bachelor days are a million days away, yet there I was, standing in the very same position. All I can say now is, he never cared. *Years 2014 to 2017 flashbacks* hmm gone with wind I suppose.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve learned to accept every single fault I made. I’ve learned to show how deeply sorry I am because I understood what I did wrong. The other person might not fully accept it, but what matters to me is that I realized my mistakes and reflected on my actions. So here comes the very dilemma that started all of this. I lost my ultimate, my go-to, my everyday “YES. OKAY” homosapien. AND IT’S ENTIRELY NOT MY G*DD*M* FAULT. Five people would attest to that. I could tell you the whole story. Maybe in another lifetime. Even so, the gist of it is that I did not do anything wrong. This is me patching up the longest trail of torn down, imperfectly stitched bubble. With the calming words of “its.okay.you’re.okay.you’re.fine.you’re.better.off.alone”, I reached the end of it. No wonder I feel alone now. Don’t feel sad for me though. I have someone I can call 24/7 (unless that person is asleep HAHA). But who that person is might be a little tricky. Right now I’m thinking of two people and both of them have seriously made their way into the jungle of my horrid life. One’s completely platonic of course. The other, ahh, can live without but has no intention of. Still, why do I feel this empty? Is it because I’ve yet ruined another ship with what I wittingly replied? BINGO. I tried making amends, but it was to no avail. Well should’ve seen that coming. Now go back to start and feel what I’M FEELING right this very second.

#latenigththoughts #friends #depressed #panic

Skipping my usual tradition of writing down immediately the happenings around me for this one. I have a lot more things pending but I really want to post this story first. Whenever I take this side of the way from or to my guy’s place, I would stare at a certain house and look for their dog which is tied up to their gate. This dog clearly has a short leash which makes it hard for sleeping. I notice every time. morning or night, rain pouring down or not. This has been going on for a lot of years, I can tell. I even saw another dog but I think it was their house dog.

I’ve always wanted to go and knock at their gate and freaking speak to the people living there. “That is not the right way to treat your dog”. “Your dog’s leash is too short. You want it to guard your house but you don’t make it feel special.” “I’m calling the authorities for this”. Those are the thoughts that spin in my head every timeI had the urge of confronting them. But I never did.

During this writing I would say things have changed for the better. One day, we were riding past the house and someone was sitting beside the dog. An old man. He was just watching people pass by. We looked into each other eyes. I was glaring at him, then shifted my eyes to the dog, then back at him. He clearly understood because now I can see the dog sleeping very well, with the proper length of leash, enough for him to move and sleep. You don’t know how extremely happy I am. I hope you are too with this story (makes you wanna help out all the animals you see struggling). Til then!

#dogs #abused dogs #happy ending #animals

Day 231

I can’t express how extremely happy I am right now.

We just heard the greatest news ever, re: my guy’s subdural hematoma journey. It wasn’t easy at all but we always looked at the brighter side of it, and there weren’t a lot mind you. The meds were really a tremendous help, no doubt with that. Arghhhh everything is just amazing right now. We even celebrated with a two cups of coffees for him and my sister and an avacado milkshake for me. We are also planning on giving something to our doctor cause she’s been nothing but saint to us.

My happiness will continue forever.

#hospital #illness #survival

Day 228

Hi!!! To anyone who comes across this letter, hello!!!

I would like to share this thing that happened to me during my shift two nights ago. A rapid antigen test was requested for an admitting patient and it was my co-worker’s turn to do the swabbing. I was busy crossmatching blood units. She came back and told me about the patient which she described as someone who is suffering from the pox. What kind of pox it was, we didn’t know yet. But with what’s been going on with the world right now, worries are everywhere. I guess you know what I’m talking about. Well, there’s only been one case here in our country (that we know of) and it’s a million miles away from us, so I think we’re safe, knowing that the patient didn’t travel at all.

But here’s the deal: I never had chicken pox and I’m twenty-four. I did receive all the necessary vaccines when I was a toddler but idk, i still don’t feel THAT safe. I learned from school everything about viruses that cause different kinds of pox, how it’s transmitted and acquired, and it’s not that good at all for people my age and older, scratch that-- IT’S NOT GOOD FOR ANYONE.

I told you this because the patient had a request for CBC and blood typing and the ER nurses did not, hmm, or were not able to collect his blood specimen. My co-worker was worrying, I mean who wouldn’t, again given with what’s happening, and I did not at all hesitate to step in and I accepted the job of extracting blood from him. I asked the nurses about his diagnosis to be a hundred percent sure and they said he has the varicella-zoster virus, the one that causes chicken pox. Why did I accept the request, you ask? even though I just said that I was spared from the pox in my early years of childhood? Easy. I am her senior. And as a senior it is my job to do difficult tasks that my junior deemed to be tough for her. I donned my PPE, went to the patient’s room, saw how difficult his situation was, had trouble locating his vein, but I managed to finish the job despite the fact that I was extremely nervous. I doffed properly and threw everything immediately.

Even so, I don’t feel secured at all. So let’s start the countdown I guess. 10-21 days after exposure starts now. I’ll update you okay? That is if I don’t forget haha.

#chicken pox #varicella zoster virus