true class had always been a state of mind and not a balance on someone’s bank account for she had met plenty of poor souls who reeked of wealth but lacked the most decent manners. humble beginnings shaped sunjung’s early years, but then her life’s mission became the making of her prime years into something much more dazzling, golden, spectacular in every sense of the word and above all sophisticated.
she oozed class and elegance no matter where she went like she bled blue blood instead of crimson red and wore an invisible crown upon her head - a trait she had acquired over time with hard work, practice and a mind always willing and ready to learn. despite the image of her group, she had always boldly refused to yield to their wishes when she wasn’t promoting and so she followed her own dreams, styles and preferences. that was the only key to true happiness.
but she was also a creature of habit and she loved surrounding herself with pretty things and pretty people, loved attending stunning shows and performances and eating the most delicious food and saccharine treats; she was always living her hedonistic and classy life to the fullest. however she also adored the very idea of sharing the delights in her life with others - as sharing was truly caring.
so that’s how she found herself near jueun’s dorm building, safely hidden behind black window glass in a sleek and brand new automobile with a private chauffeur in the front seat ready to listen to her every command and take them anywhere the two girls wished to go. but of course sunjung already had something planned, a private event with an exclusive access - only those with personal invites were allowed to attend the fashion exhibition and she without much effort acquired one for jueun too. anything was possible for someone so immersed into the world of fashion.
dressed to the nines in a short black dress that matched perfectly well with her white chapeau with a black silk ribbon on it, sunjung was ready to go. so without any hesitation, she pulled out her phone and texted jueun.
( text to darling jueun ): we’re here. we’re waiting for you. we’re parked near your building. i don’t think you’ll miss us.
hi guys! i’m slowly trying to get back in the game and write again because i’ve been pretty busy lately, but if anyone would like a starter leave a comment below ( basically put any word you want and i’ll use it as inspo ) or if you’d like to plot something first then like this post! <3 ciao
+ detail your parent’s initial and current thoughts on your career choice //
naive! they called her.
even ignorant. a silly and pretty fool.
a girl that was only sixteen years old didn’t deserve any better words.
what did she know about life? probably too little for she dared to dream of such foolish things. they didn’t understand anything, they didn’t want to understand anything. most parents probably had some sort of plans for their beloved children, but not sunjung’s parents. of course being a parent wasn’t easy; not even for those that considered themselves experts in parenting, but for her mother and father it was all just one heavy burden and in spite of the fact that she was an only child, she didn’t play an important role in the lee household. so what pushed them to suddenly turn into two caring individuals?
‘‘what do you know about the life of idols? ‘’ an ordinary question spilled from her mother’s soft pink lips, but in spite of its simplicity - the question left a bitter taste in her mouth. sunjung looked at her from beneath her lashes, taking a moment to actually think about her mother’s inquiry.
‘‘i know it’s all i’ve ever dreamed of. being an idol has never been easy, but challenges do not frighten me. i want to make something out of myself. i deserve to be successful. i don’t want to spend the rest of my life in crappy apartments and with little to no money. i want to be better. i deserve more.’’ silence suddenly invaded their dusty living room and for a while no one told a word. the pair simply sat there unbothered by the whole charade, her mother just kept staring at her red chipped nails while her father remained focused on his old magazine. even yesterday’s news were more important than sunjung’s future.
then finally, he mother said, ’’will we have to pay for anything?’’ there it was, that infamous question. of course they only cared about money - that’s why they had so little of it. slightly agitated, sunjung moved aside and with a small sigh she answered,’’ i don’t know. i think you won’t have to pay for my training, but i’m still not entirely sure. don’t worry, mother. they still pay me at the coffee shop, you won’t have to give me anything.’’
‘‘sunjung, this isn’t about money. i was merely curious. i want to know as much as possible about this. can’t you see that?’‘ silence once again found its way into the room. maybe she’s telling the truth, sunjung thought as she looked into her mother’s face. however, she was a good liar, wasn’t she? capable of creating such vivid tales. ‘‘your father and i, we don’t approve or like any of this. you’re still way too young. the world out there is cruel and merciless. despite what you may think, we love and we don’t want you to get hurt and —’’
‘‘please stop, mother. i can take good care of myself. in fact, it’s what i’ve been doing for these past sixteen years. now excuse me, i have to go. we don’t have much to talk about anyway.’’
it was always like that. constant bickering and questions laced with bitterness. they were always against her wishes, always on the other side of the team. getting their support and love was harder than anything and sunjung eventually stopped trying to change their minds. she didn’t need their approval. she didn’t want their support, not when she knew that they had never truly cared about her. what did those two old and bitter individuals know about a good life? they were trapped in their own little worlds, worlds in which sunjung wasn’t a priority. but she desired to be noticed, desired to be someone important and worthy of affection. all idols had that privilege and maybe her parents were just too blind to see it. none of it mattered in the end because she proved them her importance, proved them just how wrong they were.
but now things are of course very different. success and money were able to change the minds of her parents, to make them see clearer. they no longer see it as a waste of time and energy, and even money but instead they’re forever grateful to their daughter for giving them a pretty home and enough money to do anything their hearts desire. it appears they’re truly selfish creatures, but sunjung doesn’t mind.
she never expected anything else from them. now they always show their endless support, they love seeing her as an idol, adore watching her perform, they even talk to their neighbors and friends about their famous and wealthy daughter, the pride of the lee family. she is one, isn’t she? from a naive little girl to the family jewel, she’s come a long way and she did it all without their help. she doesn’t hate them, she wouldn’t have given them all those pretty and expensive things if she truly did, but she finds it hard to forgive them for neglecting and ignoring her for such a long time. it hurts, as much as she tries to deny it, it hurts beyond the point of imagination. they’re not even aware of the damage they left. but maybe, just maybe they’ll eventually correct their past mistakes.
let them be proud of her. it’s the only real thing they have.
*:･ﾟ✧ (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ hello angels!! it’s zara, back with miss belair who’s still very much the powerful main vocal of heaven ( she’s THAT bitch ) and of course your favorite model in town. she’s pretty much the same old sunjung with her big passion for old hollywood and noir movies/genre, grandeur, designer clothes and basically anything pretty, classy, anything fit for royalty. the one thing that did change? well now she’s just even more prominent in the modeling world, she’s mostly known for that type of business, but that’s cool because $$$. it’s good to be back and you know the drill, like this post if you want to plot/re-plot, start things from the scratch, basically anything! xoxo i’m looking forward to chatting with you all again. <3
━━ ☆ detail the one time you wanted to quit. ( 5 exp points )
for most people the worst moments come at the very beginning, when one’s taking those very first steps into the world of vultures and fame. for most people, but not for belair.
she had spent countless of hours in the recording studios and practice rooms, hours upon hours that sometimes seemed more like weeks without a break. but for belair it was all worth it. it was worth the pain, the suffering and sleepless nights. even when was a mere trainee, practically lost in a world of grown men ( mostly producers and directors ) who wanted to bend her to their own will, she didn’t despair.
she was stronger, smarter and more determined than all of them. and never ever had she wished to quit. quitting was only for the weak-minded, those who had hearts that were easy to sink and destroy, those who couldn’t jump over the very first obstacle and would only weep with their knees scraped in the dust. but sunjung’s heart always beat in the rhythm of the music around her, her heart was a beast that boldly refused to have a captor. her heart belong to music, her whole body too.
she never had any other dream but this, a dream that didn’t involve melodies and sounds and singing. that was her whole life and a life she would never turn down. when heaven’s debut finally came around, there were certainly many ups and downs, but deep down sunjung knew it would all be worth it in the end. somewhere, far far away in the distance, she could see the bright light shining down upon them.
and so she had spent eight years of her golden life in the garden of eden with her angels, girls she so proudly called her beloved sisters. but with the passing time, things were changing, changing so fast that at the end of the last year sunjung felt like a big rug had been swept underneath her pretty feet in designer heels.
was she the only one that still cared about heaven? she knew tali, she knew that she cared, she never doubted that but the rumors that so fondly surrounded sooyeon turned out to be quite true in the end. and then she felt used. used like never before in her life. like a whore left on a dirty sidewalk.
and she wanted to leave. not the industry. no never her dreams. but heaven. wanted to erase every memory of it. she was better as a solo artist anyway. sharing the stage with someone else was simply a waste of her talent. such thoughts always plagued her mind in the darkest hours, just before the sunrise.
but she stayed. not because she suddenly had a change of heart but because they had persuaded her to stay. because they had whispered sweet promises into her ears and gave her enough reason to stay. only for a little while.
‘‘the spotlight will always be yours. don’t despair.’’ -- ‘‘heaven needs you. heaven is not heaven if one of you is missing.’’
‘‘what will angels say if you leave? don’t you care at all?’‘ oh of course she cared, sunjung cared the most about her fans, but all the others cared about was money.
she didn’t want to stay. no. not at all. not in a million years. but they promised her even more exposure. even more opportunities...
looking back on it now, it was a mistake like no other.
she uses her free hand to bring her drink to her lips, takes one sip and has to control herself from choking when the other says something about her getting pregnant, “aish, don’t say that! there are no baby plans for me anytime soon, i can promise you that right now. my mom would be thrilled but my clock isn’t ticking quite just yet so let’s not… think about that.” quite frankly, her parents wanted her out of the industry when her scandal went down as they were completely shocked by the backlash their daughter received. they firmly believed the industry didn’t deserve taehee if they were so focused on making her life miserable over a mistake. “it’s not that! it’s just… i mean, of course… i think if i… if i wanted to flirt with him i could do it but that’s not the point because he’s like… my friend? and i know he’s into someone else, he’s kind of been vague about it but, yeah. i just have no chance, really. and yes i know you’ll say that i do have a chance but i just don’t want to interfere in whatever thing he has going on in his life. so.. i’m kind of just trying to not think about it. about him.”
‘‘i actually do want my own reality show. people would only be paying to watch me live my life. is there something better than that? don’t worry, you’ll get the full credit and of course i’ll call you. there will always be a place on the show for my favorite guest star. imagine us going to a candy shop or bakery and trying out the most expensive candies and cakes. it’s like a dream. i’m sure it would be one of the most watched episodes.’’ she allowed her imagination to run wild and really, she could picture it all in that very same moment. only tali and her, in a beautiful pastel bakery, dressed from head to toe in pretty summer dresses, and in front of them nothing else but plates and plates of cakes and sweets. diabetes dreams. ‘’taehee, you really are special, you know that, right? i don’t know a single person who’d be so willing to convince their own friend that they’re prettier than them. your enthusiasm is beaming through. i’m afraid you might beat me in hopes of convincing me that i’m prettier. please don’t.’’ she joked, covering her face in faux fear. ‘’your honesty and lack of jealousy are the things i admire about you the most. i’m so glad i know you, taehee.’’
she wanted to agree with tali, she really did, but she had her moments of doubt. people would tell her all sorts of things. people would try to get inside of her head and bend her to their own will. but she wasn’t anyone’s property and she certainly wouldn’t belong to their company forever. ‘’i truly hope that’s true. i want to believe that we’re allowed to have more than one dream. but people do sometimes call me selfish. i see the way some of them look at me. however, you’re right. we are allowed to be ambitious.’’ but too much ambition could get into one’s head. sunjung couldn’t help but to think of sooyeon. ‘’thank you. hearing that from you actually means so much to me. mere words can’t express my thankfulness.’’ she abandoned her glass for the sake of her friend’s hand, and really that simply act was enough to put her heart at ease. the warmth and kindness that radiated off tali brought a smile to sunjung’s lips and she only squeezed her hand ever harder.
‘‘oh come on. you’d be the perfect mom. i can already see it. and i’d be like a cool aunt who’d always bring your kids designers clothes and of course get them their very first pair of chanel shoes. they’d adored me, i’m sure of it.’’ it was fun to think about the future, the things that were so close yet so far out of their reach. life was always unpredictable, full of twists and turns. from time to time, it was almost therapeutic to think of such silly things. ‘’aw, look at you. someone has a little crush. who cares if he has someone else? i do believe in true love, but people these days are awful. so you’re allowed to be awful right back. so steal a man, wear that pair of shoes and drink just a little too much. also eat all the fucking cake you want.’’ there must have been something awfully strong in sunjung’s drinks because she was certainly speaking bolder than ever. ‘‘you have to give it a try. tell him how you feel. you have nothing to lose. but keeping it all hidden inside you’re only torturing yourself. or you could try my hollywood approach. you know, waiting for everything to be served to you on a silver platter when it comes to love. classic hollywood.’‘
tension was palpable, and it was as if the wisps of hot air treading dangerously between their gazes were physically visible to the eye. sooyeon blinked once, twice – her friend’s coldness was fired up anew and she could only blanch silently at the too-sweet rebuke. is this what they’ve turned into? petty girls who jabbed and prodded at each other as if they were nothing more than schoolgirls, somehow she rather thought that they were more than that. but the beautiful thing almost laughed out loud at the seemingly harmless exchange, noting with only the slightest bit of pain that this was a decade long friendship that’s about to be plunged down the drain.
so her soft heart aches. what a waste.
it seems like the older girl has taken her stance, and despite her affection for the girls in the group sooyeon could not keep hoping for her change of heart.
“yes of course, i must’ve just been sensitive.” she huffed in a final sort of way, playing along because there was no way left to come out of the situation unscathed. the younger girl had accepted then that there was no way that heaven could return the way they were, and lamented briefly at the thought of how some might hold on to beautiful, dying things.
“but hey, there’s obviously no silent treatment since you’re talking to me now!” a sweet smile, as if the tension never were. sooyeon must understand when to relent, to give in. deep in her heart she felt sorrow, that familiar pang of loneliness rang out its hallowed bells as she looked at her friend, the sister she had loved with all of her heart– the gnawing feeling almost made her want to reach out and shake the older girl ferociously by the shoulders, willing for her to understand and move on.
but sooyeon’s wish for simplicity was always deterred by the same sort of hollow realisation, that reality hardly ever is as plain as she wished it to be. her privilege reared its ugly head, jumping up and down in order to be noticed and acknowledged. she hadn’t forgotten how sunjung almost nearly left the company for greener pastures, and remembered that despite the sadness of heaven disbanding, she was supportive of the thought that her sister would be completely unencumbered by previous commitment. her selfish privilege then pouted, and played the victim; why can’t she do the same to me?
“i’m glad i’m here too.” a wide grin accompanied words devoid of truth.
true friends stab you in the front, sooyeon.
too many things remained unsaid, trapped between her tongue and teeth. too many things that could probably slap back some sense into the haughty rapper. but instead, sunjung refrained from saying anything at all. sooyeon didn’t deserve her time, words or energy. she knew that the wannabe actress was a leech in every sense of the word, a parasite. without heaven she would’ve never reached stardom, would have never achieved anything worth remembering. it hurt to know just how much she had used them. just how much she only cared for herself and no one else. all liars sooner or later get what they deserve.
and really sunjung didn’t feel guilty at all for pushing her that far away. why would she keep her close anyway? there was no point in having such fame-hungry friends close to your back. yet she hoped that sooyeon’s wildest dreams would eventually come true. and that her so desired fame would devour her utterly and completely. a hunger that would be her very own undoing.
‘‘why do you think that? come on, you’re better than that. self-pity doesn’t suit you. it never did.’’ she offered her a warm smile, the same charming smile she had offered her a countless number of times prior to this point. a smile that meant more than thousands of sweet words. and she was beautifully good at faking it. so, where was her shiny award for the best actress of the year? she deserved it more than anyone else.
‘‘of course i’m talking to you, you silly girl. you know i’ll always be here for you. i always have been. from the very start. but you also know how things go. i’m a bit tired. practices are hard. you haven’t forgotten that, have you? it takes great effort to achieve something and even after all these years, me and the girls still give everything we’ve got on stage.’’ me and the girls, but not you. never you. she raised her head higher, judgment and grand pride evident in her eyes.
‘‘it wouldn’t be the same without you, i hope you’re aware of that. we love you.’’ you should’ve left years ago. you’re not useful anyway. you never have been. at least the other girls are talented. what about you? where’s your contribution? not even your beauty can be seen as something useful. there are far more prettier girls.
she can’t help but blush when the other pushes the topic about her personal life and the worst is that she can’t lie to her, she’s never been a good liar anyway. “yah, you just want to know the juicy details so you can run to dispatch about them, hm?” she jokes, looking down at her drink which is still pretty full right now. “i have.” she finally says, not quite looking up yet, mostly because she’s embarrassed. it’s been two years since the last time she was interested in a man, and that certainly didn’t go too well, that’s for sure. “he.. well, i mean, it doesn’t really matter much? i’ve seen him a few times here and there and we’ve hung out but, i don’t think anything will come out from that.” even if she liked him, she knew he had been a bit vague before about being into some other person. she looks up, “luke. you know, from olympus? he’s fun to be around with but, i really doubt he’s interested.”
‘‘what sort of question is that? of course, i do. but to be honest, i do sometimes skip certain parts. you people really do love to talk, don’t you?’’ she teased, her voice fresh and fruity, ’’but oh the great belair? i do like the sound of that. you know, if i ever start my own reality show, that should the title of it, hands down.’’ at her friend’s little thespian performance she couldn’t help but laugh, giving her a small applause before nodding. ’’i can never be one hundred percent certain. just look at your face! look at that pretty face and tell me that my suspicions aren’t justified.’’ despite trying to make her tone all the more convincing, it was quite clear sunjung was merely trying to keep things sweet and mellow. when it came to her line of work, she was far from insecure, but it didn’t hurt to make a joke or two.
‘‘no, she actually wouldn’t be proud. no one had told me to want that. in fact, my parents were even against it. but it has always been my thing, my greatest passion. i didn’t stop loving it, don’t get me wrong. i could never. i would rather die than give up my voice. perhaps singing isn’t for you and sooyeon,maybe you just no longer like it that much and that’s fine by mine, and perhaps you were forced to enter the world of musicians, but that wasn’t the case for me. my very first memories are that of singing. of singing to my parents, cousins, friends and teaches. but i reckon you’re right.’’ practically lost in her thoughts, sunjung propped her chin in the palm of her right hand and continued to speak, ‘’maybe we are allowed to have more than one dream. but aren’t we then being selfish? do you think i’m selfish?’’ at this point, she no longer knew what to think. but one thing was certain. she had plans of returning to her roots. of rediscovering her old love.
seeing tali blush made sunjung all the more invested in her story, and upon hearing her response a mischievous grin blossomed across her face. ‘’of course, love. on top of being an idol and model, i’m also secretly working for dispatch. i’ve been working for them about two years now and the pay is surprisingly great. so give me all the juicy details. mama needs the new chanel shoe collection. every single pair. and if you ever get pregnant, i want to be the first to know.’’ it was hard to keep a straight face while blabbering out such idiotic sentences, but in the end she wasn’t able to refrain from laughing. ‘’i knew it! i really am the great belair.’’ with a new drink in her hands, she continued to listen attentively, paying close attention to the little bread crumbs tali was leaving behind. ‘’why do you think that? come on, you little seductress. i believe in you. i think you could charm his pants off. you could charm any man’s pants off. but more importantly, you’re beautiful and kind, and any man who’s not at least slightly interested is a total fool.’’
“i said i was sorry- it’s not gonna happen again…” she didn’t meant for it to seem that way, but her words came out in a childish whine– her wish of pushing past pesky little discomforts evident in her tone. “i’m here now, aren’t i? and i’ll catch up before our performances, i always do…”
sooyeon didn’t even have to say it, but sunjung already knew what she was thinking - like she could read minds, see all of sooyeon’s thoughts displayed on a white sheet of paper. she understood, but so much greed and selfishness could not be swept aside. what some called reaching for a life raft, others called a sellout. for the first time in her life sunjung found no reason to turn a blind eye, found no reason to defend sooyeon’s actions. everything action has an equal and opposite reaction, right? newton’s third law of physics made it so clear. this was sunjung’s reaction. did she really think sunjung would accept it all with a chagrined smile on her face? did she really expect support and love in exchange for treacherous behavior? sunjung could be cruel, sunjung could be devilish too.
...and she was over sooyeon. real friends would never leave you in the dust. real friends would never even think of it. but sooyeon wasn’t that. sooyeon was spoiled and fickle in belair’s opinion, a spoiled little brat who thought the whole world belonged to her. but that too was a lie. in a way sunjung pitied her. but she also pitied herself for wasting so much time on the silly girl. once you stop loving someone, you start seeing all their flaws. and thus the glass walls shattered, and belair was forced to take of her rose-colored sunglasses and see the real sooyeon. it was better -- living in a blissful lie. but sooyeon obviously didn’t care about her. didn’t care about anyone except herself. heaven certainly wouldn’t miss her now. in fact, it had probably always been better without her.
rage boiled beneath her skin, but she remained as cold as an icicle on the surface, eyes turning almost glacial. perhaps some fires could freeze you to death. ‘’the silent treatment? no. what made you think that, darling? i’m just tired. you know how things can get busy.’’ now who was the great actress again in the room?
‘‘of course not. you don’t have to justify yourself to me. we all do what’s best for us, don’t we?’‘ but perhaps the scariest thing of all was how quickly she turned indifferent. the state of anger meant something, yes it hurt, but nothing hurt like indifference.
‘’i’m glad you’re here. i wouldn’t want it any other way. ‘‘ she smiled, in a chagrined and loving manner, but really at this point she didn’t know what to feel.
“ah, we sure do make the best match, babe.” she tells her, hands quickly reaching out across the table to take sunjung’s. she gives them a soft, gentle and comforting squeeze, offering her friend a sincere smile. there’s a huge difference between seeing your friends at work and seeing them outside of it. seeing sunjung right now made her feel so happy, always a lovely experience. “everything? oh, that’s… a lot.” and there’s different versions of ‘everything’, there’s work and there’s her life. “you already know i’ve been doing plenty of variety lately, so that’s been really fun. also a couple of photoshoots and as you can see, i just did one. so i’m sorry for not washing all of this off before getting here.” it wasn’t too much, but it’s not like she enjoyed having too much makeup on on the daily. “so that’s been great. what about you? how’s everything outside of our ‘heavenly’ life going?
‘‘the best match? well i certainly like the sounds of that!’’ a soft giggle accompanied her words, but it was tali’s touch that put her heart at ease; warm like the golden sun and as soft as spring breeze. there was nothing greater than the comforting warmth of a dear friend. reluctant to let go of her friend’s hands, she squeezed them right back, her sparkling eyes focusing right on tali. ‘’it is a lot. but we’ve got all night to talk and i’m not in the rush to go anywhere else. it’s just you and i. the rest of the world can’t compare.’’ it wasn’t an entirely serious statement for she knew that certain topics were bound to be forgotten or skipped, but she really ( for a change ) had time to sit and listen. listen and sit until the very sunrise.
‘‘oh variety, of course i know about that, you might think that i don’t have much time to watch television, but i do it for you whenever i can. youtube has also been a great friend in dire situations. but that wasn’t what i was asking. and please. you look amazing. better than ever. we ought to do a photoshoot together one day. but i am worried you’ll steal all the spotlight.’‘ she joked, unable to hide the mischievous grin painted all over her face. however at the mention of life outside of the heavenly bubble, she sighed and shook her head, but the smile on her face was still there. life outside of heaven was great, as a matter of fact better than ever before, and yet she was still chained and trapped inside of the garden of eden. but eating an apple from the forbidden tree would not help her like it had helped eve. for her, it would take a lot more to be banished from paradise. ‘‘truly splendid. i’ve mostly been modeling and doing photoshoots and i love it more than anything else, it actually seems like i belong on runways. yet, my heart will always yearn for singing. it’s a curse really.’’
‘‘i’ve been thinking of making a solo comeback, maybe even releasing a mini album. something different this time around. but i’ve been so busy with modeling and everything, that i always seem to put that aside. i sometimes wonder what would younger sunjung think of all this...’‘ she chuckled, but her question was sincere. back when she was younger, she had different values, ideals to never put anything else before singing. now she was doing the exact opposite of that, breaking all the promises she had made to herself when she was nothing else but a child. ‘‘ but enough about me and all this boring business stuff. i want to know all the dirty little details, not things you can find on every wikipedia page.’‘ this time around she laughed quite loud, hiding herself behind her glass. ‘’so how’s your private life, darling? have you met anyone new recently?’’ she didn’t want to talk about business, especially not heaven.
casting a quick look at her glass, she noticed the absence of any liquor in it and of course immediately demanded a refill. ‘’so speak, baby.’’
“of course,” she murmured, keeping respectfully neutral in front of her older friend. korean customs dictate for her to back down, to apologise, but god knows im sooyeon wasn’t the type to let things lie in unmanageable limbo. petty jabs should be reserved for public faces and not private conversations, after all. “i didn’t mean to though… you know more than anyone that i really need the extra time.”
( to pick up choreography, to make sure she wasn’t so fucking off-tune )
the younger girl opened her mouth, then closed it – not about to blurt out the question that might ruin the tentative peace: you’re not actually angry, right?
nostalgia - in its purest dictionary form was a sentimentality for the past, but belair saw it more as a strange foe capable of hurting even the strongest. nostalgia kills. nothing ever remains the same. what happened yesterday, will not happen again tomorrow. the inability to capture moments and relive them again was painful, especially when those moments haunted and taunted a person with pretty and almost forgotten memories. ten years ago sooyeon was different. same could be said about belair. they were all different, barely girls, more children. what does anyone know in their early twenties? to speak of teenage years would only make a grown person laugh.
but putting all that aside, above all, they were friends. four girls bounded by contracts and hunger for fame and no -- not hunger for fame and not even contracts. relationships and friendships could only be faked to a certain point. what they had was different. better. they were bounded by love, mutual understanding and support. all those things were impossible to fake. and not the mention the fact that belair was so close to sooyeon. so then what pushed her away? what made her gaze and tone turn cold? to misinformed bystanders, it probably seemed like jealousy, envy, or perhaps something much worse. but that of course wasn’t the case. if she had been jealousy, she would’ve never cheered for her, she would’ve tried to beat and sabotage her.
sunjung simply felt betrayed. after being persuaded by the company to stay and keep heaven alive ( she could’ve sworn it resembled more to begging ), everything remained the same, and even worse, it got worse. the lack of effort on sooyeon’s side was obvious. she resented that. did she really want to leave them all in the heavenly dust and only focus on herself while the rest worked too hard to keep the group afloat -- only to be forgotten? let the three girls squabbling over the little remnants of heaven’s old glory like bitches with a juicy bone? did sooyeon really desire that?
so her coldness was to a certain extent justified. she no longer understood her friend’s motives and she damn sure didn’t want to be left with nothing but ash and dust. ‘’i do know.’’ disappointment was evident in her worse. like there was no place for pretty jabs and snide remarks, there was also no place for false pleasantries. she was sick of playing the good girl game.
and so instead of any follow-up questions or even remarks, she simply remained silent, her attention far away from sooyeon.
life had peculiar ways of separating even the closest of friends and family, of keeping them apart and out of each other’s reach, and as heaven grew older with each new year it was of great importance to keep working on and maintaining those already cemented friendships and connections. back at the beginning of their idol journey, it was simple to stay close, to always see each other’s faces to the point of growing sick, but now things were simply different. the girls were no longer just heaven members, they each had their own careers or heights they were trying to reach, but just because it wasn’t easy that didn’t stop sunjung from trying. nothing ever did.
despite her wishes to leave the group, belair still loved heaven, despite all her recent negative thoughts, she still cherished the girls. they were her friends, all of them, even sooyeon. but the one member she had been missing the most lately was tali. regular promotions and practice sessions were sweet, but they just didn’t feel private enough for sunjung. she wanted to see tali more, to hear her recent stories and even enjoy in some devilish gossip. so there was only one reasonable solution - going out after the dusk. she chose a bar where music was loud enough to conceal their chatter, but at the same time quiet enough for only them to hear each other’s voices, and after all there was nothing more sacred and important than bonding over a bottle of the finest rosé.
instead of her usual eye-catching dresses and attires, she picked something more subtle but still elegant and in her style, for tonight she merely wished to blend in with the rest of the crowd and enjoy in pretty drinks. it was as simple as that. nothing more and nothing less. to avoid awful traffic, she made sure to arrive just a little earlier, not wanting to keep her friend waiting, not even for one extra boring second. as she settled into their booth, she took the liberty of ordering a bottle of champagne for later, as everything was better with some champagne on the side. but for their first round of drinks, tali had the honor of picking. ‘’you know what? i’m so glad we decided to go out. we ought to do this more often. just you and i! we do always make a good match, don’t we?’’ it was a rhetorical question followed by a sweet laugh. ‘’so my darling, tell me everything i’ve missed recently.’’
( ‘useless sooyeon, can’t sing, can’t dance – heaven would be so perfect without her there!’ )
“sorry,” she mumbled as she fell in step with the older girls, eyes casting downwards the way they always did in moments of insecurity. the choreographer had stopped them then, calling the girls to take a ten minute break. taehee and eunbi had excused themselves out the room, undoubtedly to go to the bathroom, or out to grab a cold energy drink from the cafeteria– so sooyeon had sidled her way to sunjung, her best friend, the closest friend she ever had. somehow, she always found herself apologising in the practice rooms for one reason or another.
“hey- sorry i’m late… i was so tired last night i must’ve overslept…”
over the years sunjung had slowly grown accustomed to juggling more than one talent, more than one career path and while it had been hard at first, success managed to prevail at the end of this tale. first came singing; her saving grace. even if fame hadn’t knocked on her door, she would’ve probably found others way to show her fondness for singing and playing instruments, her immense and grand love for speaking through music. then came modeling; a thing that surprisingly happened so organically, like she was actually born to do it. she genuinely enjoyed in the process of getting her hair and makeup done, of putting on new clothes and strutting around on pretty runways. it was a world of colors, patterns and new styles, something unexplored, waiting to be uncovered. but she never, ever, thought of focusing on one thing more than the other. that is, until recently.
something about haven just didn’t sit with her well, something just no longer felt right. there were moments when she felt like she was only being used by the company and another member, moments in which she had wished to leave more than anything else. why did she have to give her best on a stage while others only partially cared? or while they only worked on promoting themselves? sunjung understood greed and hunger for fame, but just because she understood such wild things, that didn’t mean she wholeheartedly supported them. why should she play the roman fool and die on her own sword? why let others take take advantage of her? no, not this time around. not ever again.
she could be cruel too. far too impatient and stubborn to forgive and forget. and the fact that sooyeon was once again late to their practices only added more fuel to the fire. she certainly wasn’t impressed nor did she care to hear her excuses. she had always been fond of sooyeon, that much she couldn't lie. but lately her thoughts had been clouded. she didn’t know what to feel. a part of her was happy for her, watching your friends succeed in life could bring great pleasure to anyone, but in certain moments sunjung truly felt like sooyeon was only using heaven to gain more popularity. like she was using the notoriety they had all acquired to propel only herself into the world of acting. that she could not accept. greed did not look good on anyone.
‘‘hey... sure.’’ she answered absentmindedly, while humming the lyrics of their new song. someone had to sing it, after all. ‘‘we’re all tired, soo. but whatever.’’ take that as you wish. interpret it in any way you want, sooyeon. but belair kept her snide remarks to herself. she didn’t want to argue. there was nothing to argue about. she was just tired. and at this point, she really didn’t care.
and instead of warm smiles and words, this time she only offered silence to sooyeon as she scrolled trough the news-feed on her phone. indifference was better than anger. indifference cut could cut deep. and leave painful marks.
straightening his back, noah inhales enough that his lungs are filled with air and fake confidence he can actually do this without sounding like a screeching alley cat. “stop me if i’m shit. please and thank you.” another inhale with some more air and less of that self-confidence he’s in dire need of. this is a bad idea; he should have cancelled, but he doesn’t like cancelling. glancing at sunjung almost sheepishly, he should have because this is going to be bad: real bad. and so he starts at do on a rather weak middle C, wavering and faltering. it’s rather flat, but he continues, anyway. foolishly headstrong ‘cept there is no strength or only idiocy. and very little accuracy, too, hitting the second do off-key. the notes that follow only resume his downward spiral.
this is going to be a long day.
the last thing she wanted to be was judgmental. it was a trait that didn’t really suit anyone, much like a pair of something as silly as overalls. but there was a time and place for everything, even a time when it was suitable to show disapproval and judgment. really the last she wanted was to judge a friend, but this time there were no excuses. still her disapproving look softened and it showed she wasn’t always as strict as she wished to be. ’’your sarcastic nature is wonderful, try not to lose it, because it is a unique part of you. but the other thing... i believe you should work at least a little on that. no one can improve themselves over a night, but i guess it’s useful that you see it and don’t turn a blind eye.’’
she folded her arms across her chest, dark eyes trying to see if there were any answers written upon his face. no luck. she was still stuck with all her questions. what are you thinking? why are you doing this to yourself? you seem empty. who takes it all out of you? too many inquiries, not enough time for a lobotomy. she just wished to read his thoughts, for a slip second. just to read them all and see things from another perspective. ‘’all right. suit yourself. but if you change your mind, you say it. i’ll gladly go get you something. i have my mango smoothie. i hope that the smell won’t bother you too much. just tell me if it does, okay?’’ the fruity drink was healthy, delicious and much more suitable than any other morning drink. ’’are you sure? you know what they say, it’s always dark somewhere. but i reckon you’re right. i will maybe use it as a reward. you on the other... well we’ll see about that.’’
music was her passion next to fashion and she really could talk about it for days. she knew things, little things that most people didn’t even bother to memorize, but her passion for certain things always made her want to know more. thus she feared she’d smother noah with her talk. and perhaps she managed to do exactly that. first couching, then haziness in his eyes. great. was she making any progress at all or simply going backwards, causing even more damage? but then his words almost took her breath away. perhaps a lobotomy wasn’t necessary. perhaps she was finally given a permission to take a glance and see his worries. ’’maybe. maybe it really does, but i think they only own you as much as you think they own you. that’s how they get you at first. for that reason, a strong mindset is a necessity in our world.’’ she hoped that her words would be of some aid, provide a certain sense of comfort.
‘‘gosh, don’t call it nonsense. it’s quite useful and you’ll see why. and you look much better when you’re laughing. i like this version of you. after all, it makes you cheeks look nicer. but yes, i said what i said. you can believe me, but i can’t really say the truth. a magician should never reveal his tricks. or else all the magic will be gone. nightingale are so pretty, aren’t they? ‘‘ false praise was sometimes necessary. studies showed it made people preform better. so why not test it on noah too?
‘‘all right.’’ she nodded, but she had no intentions of stopping him. he had to learn from his own mistakes. notice and hear them first. she closed her eyes so she could truly focus on listening, truly listening, and it was a rather painful option for her ears. but still she kept her mouth shut. she wanted to hear the rest. ‘‘go on. and then start from the beginning again. up and down, up and down the scale. i want you to do at least five times, noah. up and down, there’s no time for quitting now.’’
“yellow,” there’s a wisp of a smile spread false across her lips, eyes a little sad. reminiscing. remembers the spongebob apron, the field of canola flowers, the wilting daisy tucked behind her ear, his sunshine smile fading fast in her memories. blurry, distorted. bygones slowly forgotten in the wake of time and growing up too quickly. “i’ve tried chiffon. the stylist unnies really like dressing me in those flowy floral dresses and blouses during the spring and summer time. light and elegant. it’s girly and pretty. fitting for my image. though, i haven’t tried satin at all. silk, a couple of times. why? is there a difference between which is better and more suitable?”
changing one’s appearance doesn’t mean erasing or omitting their uniqueness, rather improving and highlighting the beautiful things they already possess but don’t quite see with their own two eyes. sunjung did it all by herself when it came to her own image. the foolish summery glow bestowed upon her by heaven was more than excruciating, the bathing suits and shorts skirts, all so tacky, all so provocative and all so very very unnecessary. she loathed them, loathed every single piece of clothing given to her for their early promotions. what her company wanted and what sunjung really wanted were two very different things, and thus heartbreak was bound to happen. but instead of wallowing in self-pity, she decided to escape from dante’s inferno and fight for herself. class and glamour became her weapons, things no one could take away from her. it belonged to her, she oozed elegance no matter where she went or what she wore, and even in bathing suits, she had found a way to not look scanty, but rather pleased with herself and her own appearance.
fashion was all about exuding confidence and peculiarity, about protecting yourself from the judgmental world with dresses that served as armors and jewelry as weapons of destruction. fashion was a way of living, no one could really convince her otherwise, and fashion truly inspired her in every possible way because fashion was truly for everyone, unlike other spheres of art. but something just didn’t seem entirely right with sophia. like she wasn’t saying something. like she was trying to conceal certain details for her own good and sunjung didn’t really like it. she appreciated sincerity, appreciated upfront people who weren’t afraid of sharing their thoughts aloud, even if those very same thoughts were cruel. better to be crushed by harsh truths than to live with sweet half lies and promises.
but upon finally hearing the girl’s response, she got lost in her own thoughts and plans. yellow was a peculiar color, one you wouldn’t see too often on people. she liked that. it was unique. she valued that. ’’yellow? that’s a bold choice, my darling. i love it! you’ll be like beatrix kiddo, the deadliest woman in the world. i shall find you the most beautiful yellow clothes to don on. i'm not quite certain that i'll be able to find a katana in that same time span, but i'll do my best.’’ she joked, unable to refrain from making such a foolish pun. ’’of course they do. it’s their job. but it’s your job to outgrow their repetitive choices. they are elegant and pretty, and even i wear them sometimes, but they’re not really suitable for every single occasion. and of course there’s a difference. satin will and always has been my first love. it’s the most beautiful of them all.’’
she turned around for a moment, deep in her thoughts, and then suddenly with a snap of her fingers, she turned back to sophia. she had the perfect image in her head and she wanted to see it come alive. ‘’i got it! i want to see you in a yellow satin dress. it’ll suit your complexion so well and you’ll look like a princess dipped into gold. of course, to match with the whole kill bill style, black shoes would be of great importance. and i’ll bring you the katana later.’’
“i honestly have no idea how you do it, to be honest. the choreography, for me, at least, is so hard that it puts some strain on my voice whenever i try to sing. it’s… strange being in a group that’s known for dancing, but at the same time, they make the melodies challenging, too.” shrugging her shoulders, she didn’t want to appear ungrateful, but the woes of being a main vocalist in a movement-based collective always burdened her. “we win so many awards for choreography, so i constantly feel like my focus needs to be there, but truth be told, that’s my weakest skill. is there ever a way to find a perfect balance?” she queried, hoping that her questions weren’t making the other feel stressed out or uncomfortable in any way.
perhaps sunjung’s greatest strength came from the fact that she was never particularity fond of overly competing for titles. certain things just came to her naturally, even when it came to the world of modeling. forcing anything simply didn’t feel right in her own head. those who admired her voice were free to do so and belair of course loved them immensely, but those who weren’t really keen on listening to her singing also had the freedom to what they wished and she had no reason to dislike them for expressing their own opinions and thoughts. she was utterly free and careless in that area, and she always sang straight from the heart which to her was the most important factor in the whole equation. she was born with it and it was something she loved doing more than anything else in the world, and what others thought was only a minor setback. but luckily, people were in general quite enamored with her voice, the sheer power and depth of it, and they way her voice always managed to convey the strongest of emotions to the listeners. that was the main purpose of singing; to express yourself. to express the hidden feelings and thoughts, to share them with the rest of the world in the sweetest and most melodic way.
she blinked once, then twice, almost blinded by the girl’s sweet and angelic aura. oh she could almost see the halo of this particular angel. ‘‘it’s good to see you, too. and if you ask me, it has been way too long indeed. but you’ve only grown more beautiful. just look at you!’’ she cooed, and the whole moment really did seem like an image of two white and soft doves fondly greeting each other. now that would’ve been a lovely painting on her wall. ‘’oh please, of course i had to make something. but i’m glad you’re a fan of strawberries. they’re my favorite, too. as for refreshments, would you like some pink lemonade, tea, or even something hmm let’s say stronger?’’ she laughed at the last part, trying to keep the atmosphere cool and relaxed, perhaps even amusing to a certain degree. ‘’it’s always good to be a few steps ahead. but really, it seems highly unlikely that i, out of all people, wouldn’t at least have one guitar in my apartment. they’re almost as important as breathing. but to be fair, i have always been fonder of the piano. it suits my style better. but please, please! there’s no need to thank me. this is almost a way for me to relax. to us, singing should never be a burden. so take a deep breath and try not to think about it so much.’’
at the girl’s following comment she fondly chuckled, dismissively waving her hand. ’’well people do say that heaven’s choreographs aren’t the hardest and i know that eunbi isn’t particularly happy with our current choreography... but to each their own, i suppose. the first you should really do is stop worrying about it so much. forcing things won’t bring you much good. however, you should also work on your dancing skills while simultaneously finessing your singing. you really do have to balance things like on one of those old weighing scales. so, i guess you better get ready to dance with that guitar, my pretty eunjo.’’
