It has been a while. Rambles of a Man who can not sleep.
 It has been a while. It has been well over 3 yrs since I last posted and a lot has changed or it has been the same old thing I really do not know anymore. I take again to this site and type this for a reason i do not understand yet. 3 years have passed by in a blink of an eye and I can’t keep up. I have failed college twice nor found my calling/path to walk in this life and I have tried to find it yet it still eludes me. As a young adult I have been told that I should not be worried yet I am. I have been battling myself to find my future more importantly I am scared of my future and what is to come. I hide myself from reality and live in fantasy for I get to mold that world, to be the hero to come out on top to save the day but more importantly to know where my life goes. However even my fantasy and dreaming are becoming darker where I do not become the hero where I die, where I loss everything I hold close and dear to me. Where I fail. I am fearful no I am petrified of failure it stops me stops me dead it is always in my shadow ready to ponce on me in a moments notice. So I hide in my books in my phone in my T.V in my video games for I know i can not fail here in these places I am safe. I put on a mask like everyone else when I am with friends and family because I can not let them see the real me for I am a sacred man not even a man a husk of a man.
  I also find little fulfillment in money or material items it holds no grip on me. I actually do not know what gives me fulfillment off the top of my head and that it bothersome. For if you no not what beings you joy how can you be happy.
 Some days i fell trapped inside my brothers shadow. He is two years old then me yet his life is on track and he seems to know where he is heading with his life. He is outgoing and outspoken while I am the not outgoing and only barley outspoken but only to the people i know. In the 3 to 4 yrs of college I have only never made any friends nor did I talk to anyone other then to ask them something or to do work with them. Again fear stops me dead in my tracks at these moments. What if they don’t like me or hate my idea and thoughts, what if they see me as annoying and a burden. However I do not know the trails my brother has gone through to make it to where he is at now in his life, but I know he is the better man then me. Well that is all for today i will most come back to this and write more but till then Goodbye.

















