Sic transit gloria mundi

Art as new monasticity. Text as an extension of visual practice.

[ideasetinspiracion]

Todas my nightmare was to be using again. I did it.

[ideasetinspiracion]

July 29th, 2023

I love being poly, I really do. Not only does it expand the notions of who you can date, but it also helps you not having the pressure of anything. I'm kind of ace. I appreciate that the high-libido folks have people to entertain that with, and I can just be the romantic, talkative partner, and do things on my own terms.

Don't get me wrong, I still adore some women. I love Catherine. I'm happy she's happy. Honestly I'm happy just being her vacation.

Just a random drunken 3am thought. I figure I should write here more. I miss writing. It helped me in some way - i guess processing.

I found myself mysteriously in a good mood today. Am I getting better, or am I just in a manic mode? Who knows? Find out in the next installment of my life.

[ideasetinspiracion]

Sunny with a chance of rain

February 15th, 2023

Things are surprisingly looking brighter and shinier than before. It's been a long journey to overcome addiction, but I'm at a good place right now. I feel like I have things to look forward to. 

I feel very blessed to have my life. 

[ideasetinspiracion]

Someone always notices. Someone always sees. Some of us look up to the leap that you made, the accomplishments, and the hope they can do the same...

Hey sweetie,

I guess Im very flattered but I have such a long way to go! I can only say that if I can be of any help, feel free to anonymously ask anything. I'll be here for you :)

The more I work up the ladder the easier it gets. Nothing was harder as being from one level of poverty to the other. Capitalism is bullshit. Revolt!

[ideasetinspiracion]

It's a New Year. I've been mostly "sober", which is a prize in of itself. I think I've tried to redefine myself, but I just end up in a myriad of clichés.... lol. I just wanna be happy and queer like all of them. Things are really looking up for me, and its worked out ! Honestly, last year I've just felt blessed. And I can only hope those blessings will pursue me to the next year. 

I wish all of you readers a fantastic new year, whichever it is. 

-N.

[ideasetinspiracion]

I fucking hate this

It’s been such a long time, when I think about Snow White I don’t even think about good things, but repercussions. How am I gonna get up in the morning? Is that going to disrupt my whole work routine? How will I make sure I sleep on time.

Being responsible sucks. Being an adult sucks. I wanna run away but I can’t, everything is just right there. At my fingertips. Ugh. Fuck you.

[ideasetinspiracion]

I want to fall in love

Sounds so stupid when I say it out loud like that. I just... I remember when my life used to be exciting. When my heart used to skip a beat at the prospect of something going well. I remember discovering new horizons and feeling my heart is full and heavy. 

It all feels so far away now - like the hopefulness of youth has escaped my body. The belief is there, no doubt, I just... the sincerity is gone? Its similar as when people loose their faith. They *want* to believe, while they *believe they believe*.

I'm just so tired of the toxic relationships. I look to the past and all see is very misguided decisions. Somewhere along the many, there are a few, far between amazing people that sadly live too far away. Should I try with someone like them? Seems unpractical. Especially in this pandemic. I'm no stranger to long distance relationships, I just... I yearn for more.

Maybe now that my heart is a bit open something will come along my way? I'll let you know.

Written: Sunday, February 27th 2022

[ideasetinspiracion]

meaningless with a glimmer of hope

I have absolutely no clue why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling, or what that feeling is at all. Am I bored? Depressed? Anxious? Tired? 

It all feels meaningless with a glimmer of hope. Everything is going well. I am going out, and meeting people. Hell, I like to think I'm even making friends. I am settling into Florida just well. I live comfortably. I have a good job. I earn well. 

So whats the problem? Why am I feeling this way?

I feel like I lack any type of motivation all together. I do my job basically with a gun in my head - when deadlines begin to approach. I'm not particularly looking forward to anything right now, even though the future does not seem as bleak as I once thought. 

Maybe I'm just hormonal. Maybe its the detox. Maybe I crave for more - a bit more excitement, a bit more sensation. I'm not a lake, I'm a river. I can't stand standing still. 

[ideasetinspiracion]

Wednesday, April 15th 2020

It's time for me to reactivate my writing ritual. I'm unsure as to why I stopped writing actively in the first place, but one thing is certain - it seems like I only turn to paper when I have problems. Given the recent events, there has hardly been a need to verbalize my frustrations. 

I live in Florida now - a source of much many new anxieties. Things that seemed to have been as clear as day seem all muddy once you move across the ocean. 

[ideasetinspiracion]

10 Things I know to be True (Claudette)

1. Que Jérôme y tu se quieren mucho

2. No sabes si hay verdad.

3. Siento que no voy a encontrar ninguna verdad, si la busco.

4. Si encuentro una verdad, será una mentira.

5. Que Simon de Beauvoir antes de feminista fue una gran escritora.

6. Nos tomamos por sentado.

7. No empujamos los limites que nos ponemos.

8. Que el germen de la colonización no lo podemos sacar tan fácilmente.

9. Que cada día que pasa uno se siente más ignorante.

10. Que la verdad es problemática, con todo lo que significa la palabra problemática.

Written in Paris, November 2017.

[ideasetinspiracion]

10 Things I Know To Be True (Jérôme)

1. La tierra es redonda.

2. El cambio climático es cierto por el hombre

3. El psicoanálisis me hace bien a pesar de que hay mejores cosas

4. El deporte y beber agua me hacen bien. Un poco de alcohol también.

5. Hay muchos cabrones en el mundo

6. Poca gente simpatica

7. Me encanta cantar.

8. Me encana rapear mas que cantar, y el idioma español.

9. Dios no existe.

10. Es bien difícil saber cuando una cosa es cierta. 

Written in Paris, November 2017.

[ideasetinspiracion]

10 Things I Know To Be True (Ross)

1. Newton’s laws of motion 2. Fundamental theorem of calculus 3. I’m getting older 4. I’m kinky 5. We share a common ancestor with monkeys 6. Existential crisis is a thing 7. Man did go to the moon 8. Facebook is not a net positive 9. This is not the future we were promised 10. Water is wet

Written Sunday, February 20th 2022

[ideasetinspiracion]

Habit Tracker

Is what this blog has become. 

I have fallen into temptation once again.

[ideasetinspiracion]

I have no idea why I continue to self sabotage, but here I am. Doing the exact same thing.

[ideasetinspiracion]

I think I feel guilty about abandoning my previous job. Don't get me wrong, I even gave them more than a month's notice, and I even kept working for a couple of weeks. It really has nothing to do with the job per se... it's the people.

I miss the people. Now they all hate me for leaving. But I had to leave, it was suffocating me. I could not deal with the level of stress. And I know my former boss was a master manipulator narcissist, but I kind of liked the guy. It's as if the pandemic made me close with this insanely disparate group of people, many of whom... dare I say, became my friends?

Maybe that's why I'm feeling lonely. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so wrong. I think I hit a spot because I'm crying now. 

Written Thursday, September 23 2020

[ideasetinspiracion]

I feel empty. Unmotivated. Just... void of anything. I have nothing to add.  Not nothing, just nothing special. My spark is gone. It doesn't shine as bright. It stopped shinning. I stopped resisting. I am letting days move by. I am letting life pass me by. 

It's not even loneliness. I no longer care about being lonely or not. I stopped caring altogether - about being good or bad at what I do, at actually accomplishing anything. Whats the point? I feel like giving the absolute bare minimum to get by. Its not like anyone else is noticing...

Tuesday, September 21st 2021

[ideasetinspiracion]

September 18th 2021

I have not written for a very long time. It seems like a whole age ago. In order to help me express myself this will be only freewriting.

I guess an explanation is in order. I moved to Florida from my dear island, something that gives me both comfort and nightmares. I took on a mediocre job in order to establish myself inland, and now... I have broken the seal. I am officially the first person in my whole family to break free from poverty. It feels incredibly guilty. I do not have a lot of time to commiserate on that feeling. 

The pandemic has let me to distance myself from most people I would find important. Only mom is there. Obviously this is not enough to sustain my everyday, but I guess its enough to keep it together while the whole world burns down in flames. Is this how its gonna feel from now on? Is this the fate that we have left for ourselves? 

Days pass by and I see myself as an aging human. I feel like I am no longer relevant to culture, society, value-making. I mean, dont get me wrong, people still respect me and hold me dear as an elder, but every day I feel more disconnected towards whats happening. Its as if time is passing me by and I am no longer an active, I am just an innocent bystander. I remember when I was the revolution. Now my ideas are passé, and everyone and their mother have surpassed the level of clarity that years of self actualization have made me get. 

Am I no longer relevant?

I mean I knew this would happen, but to see it materialize within ones lifetime is a bit cruel. Then again, I guess this is just the cruel fate of everyone who is less than remarkable,

Not that any of these labels make any sense anymore. I am pretty sure we are all anonymous in the future.