State of flux

[identitycris1s]

Had a weird dream. Was trapped in a basement with some of my group mates from a school project (lmaoooo) and this Peruvian girl (who is actually very nice in real life) threatened us that she would kill us if we tried to leave (I think she had a hammer and she was gonna smash us). Very weird I think we were in a basement in some place in a forest (maybe the Amazon) and I think it was a human trafficking situation or something cos there was one element of forced labour and from time to time she wld bring us out and chat and drive around but we were still captive…and there were these vivid scenes of her working (she was a lawyer) in a high tower (like somewhere from GOT) on a cliff with a beautiful sea side view and waves crashing and she would fly there with her boyfriend in a flying car hahahaha what the actual fuck

[artesonraju]

[identitycris1s]

Well well well

Hello! As of 18 Feb, I have a boyfriend LOL.....what’s up with that...weird.....

Still not completely certain of how I feel about this yet but on balance I do like him and I do see some potential for a future with this guy. Tbh we are really quite different and I’m not sure if we would be friends if we had met in any other setting (although you can’t really be sure I guess) but it seems to be working (mostly) so far. I think a lot of it has to do with the strange and inexplicable fact that he likes me quite a bit (not sure why lol) and his dedication and persistence in trying to get me to see that has made me soften towards him. (...ew!!) Also at his core, I think he is a good person and loves God a lot and has a lot of wonderful qualities that make for a good partner.

He’s really conscientious and focussed and dutiful and seems smart/knowledgeable in a very specific way that I’m really not used to (math/econ/tech ??) But also he says things that make me go ‘huh???’ quite often which sometimes makes me question his intellectual/emotional depth - partially cos I think he isn’t the most articulate or expressive and partially cos we have pretty different ways of thinking. Our conversations involve a lot of me asking ‘why do you say that’ or ‘what do you mean by that’ to get him to try and express himself in a way that I understand. At first I thought hmm this guy seems a bit dense and doesn’t seem able to keep up with the pace of conversation that I’m used to. But then I realised that’s pretty arrogant and condescending and perhaps he just communicates in a different way and isn’t used to the type of conversation I enjoy (which....perhaps speaks to a deeper incompatibility...but I am willing to overlook that ...for now). 

I also don’t really find him funny in the usual sense of the word and I don’t think he really gets my sense of humour either. But SW (who is the first friend to have met him - she was bestowed with the honour partially because she happened to be in SG at the opportune time) pointed out that he is quite funny in an unintentional manner haha. He is very earnest and a bit awkward and square in the way that he speaks and interacts...not sure if he’s just nervous around me (still???) but he stumbles over his words and phrases his questions / comments in a bit of a textbookish manner (case in point - in the middle of dinner w SW: ‘what are your hobbies?’ LMAO....) But I guess I find it quite endearing (mostly...lol). 

In short, he’s absolutely not a person I would’ve imagined I would get together with. I suppose I envisioned a tall broody softboi who likes Dostoyevsky and Rilke and curates Spotify playlists in his free time and likes to have deep conversations about life and philosophy and humanity and is also funny and smart and humble and kind and likes me a lot LOL I realise this person doesn’t exist and tbh many of the qualities are just a vain reflection of myself -.- And honestly I don’t think I would want to be in a relationship with the male version of me...that wouldn’t work out for many reasons haha. So I guess this is showing me that God knows me better than I know myself; He puts people in your life that are good for you according to His plan, and often your own ideas of what you might want aren’t what’s best for you.

Why are we even in a relationship if we are so different, you might ask. I’ve thought about this at length - he honestly has many redeeming qualities that I really do like, and which I see as crucial to have in a life partner, perhaps more important than (arguably more superficial) matters like how good of a conversationalist he is, how awkward he is, what music he listens to and how different our interests are. His values are in the right place (in my view) - he loves God and puts his relationship with God first (tbh more than I can say for myself most of the time), wants to do good things to make society better (sounds lame but it’s not) and cares a lot about me (again, not sure why, but I’ll accept it lol). He doesn’t have a huge problem with his ego and he’s willing (and eager) to work on things that I am less than satisfied with (e.g. our communication styles and my annoyance with his texting habits...oops) and doesn’t get defensive when I’m hard on him (which has happened quite a few times). He’s patient and kind and tries to understand where I’m coming from when I’m unhappy. He remembers things about me and does his best to make me feel understood and cared for and appreciated. He is just really sweet and thoughtful. (Flowers for me AND my mum on valentine’s day?? Birthday cake after our second date??) Also I guess in a way it’s good that he’s got a bit of a noobish toot vibe haha I don’t feel intimidated or nervous around him at all, and in fact he makes me feel very comfortable and at ease and fully accepted :) 

I read somewhere that you shouldn’t make a list of all the qualities you want in a partner - you should just have an idea of how you’d like them to make you feel. And I think I like how I feel with him. 

Quite alright with the state of things for now, will check back again in a few months :)

[fravery]

Japanese Maple Tree in Winter 

[urbnite]

[anadventurousdutchflower]

[identitycris1s]

My first proper valentine’s 🥺🥲❤️

[identitycris1s]

SO GOOD!!!!!!

[who-]

[identitycris1s]

[fotobilog]

[6causeo6fdeath6]

THIS

[hirxeth]

[identitycris1s]

this is new

hi hi hi ok just dropping by with another update about life in general. had midterms last week, they were ok, i got an 89 for quant which was 1 mark away from an A but it couldve gone a lot worse so im ok with it as a whole i think. Havent gotten the labour paper back yet but i think thatll be fine too, it wasnt too hard. Been taking this week kind of slow, i think im just getting a bit lazy with school work (things are slightly less crazy cos theres no case study for econ anymore :)) yay) but will probably need to ramp up soon eeep. 

anyway the real update is re: my love life LOL.........been seeing Z quite regularly, at least once a week. i think i like him ... im still trying to figure out if the main reason i like him is cos he seems to like me so much (which feels rly nice btw) but i do think there are several other qualities that i like about him (although its hard for me to disentangle these qualities from the fact that he demonstrably likes me so idk if im seeing him in a particularly good light cos of these qualities or cos of these qualities + he is so nice to me cos he likes me. that was an incoherent ramble! classic)

anyway i think ill add to the pros / cons list cos it just seems to be an efficient way of sorting qualities / flaws:

pros:

- he is very sweet and thoughtful, surprised me with a late night coffee delivery the weekend before midterms 

- he has expressed several times that he likes me and cares for me which tbh makes my heart flutter LOLOL EW.... (why am i so grossed out yet simultaneously touched)

- he remembers little things about me and my life and what im doing

- he is generally fun to be around and easygoing 

- he is knowledgable about things that im not knowledgable about e.g. the world of data science and economics and research and rock climbing

- he is ok with admitting when hes not 100% right :) which is so important!!!!!!!!!!!! to me!!!!!!

- we went rock climbing and it was nice to see him doing smth he enjoyed and be in his element. also he seemed weirdly more physically attractive than before, maybe cos he looked strong LOL yucks

- not rly a pro but he just got a job (which is apparently v well remunerated) which means hes not gonna be a bum (this was a back of mind concern for me)

cons:

- he has less than stellar grammar which even as im saying it im aware is an unfair criticism (esp given that this post is riddled with grammatical sins e.g. 0 apostrophes...but ive alr explained that this is a different problem from bad english cos its on purpose and done in full awareness and in the context of a casual internet medium). anyway he used the word ‘practise’ / ‘advise’ as a noun and he has had a few grammatical slip ups in texts which im not 100% convinced were typos. im considering correcting the ‘ise’ mistakes cos they rly do bug me....anyway this is me being a nitpicky betch haha so lets move on

- he takes so long to reply texts...i mean never more than a day goes by without a text from him but still. again this isnt a fair criticism cos i do the same lol so i guess this isnt rly a con.

- he isnt rly that funny lol he has a weird sense of humour. he recounted some lame joke he did that was GOT related and i was like huh....thats not funny...but anyway. not everyone can be funny haha

- he doesnt seem to read the same kind of things as i do - he seems to be more interested in CEO autobiographies / biographies... which is fine actually, i guess diversity is good. just that we have less common ground. same applies for music taste haha

ok anyway i realised i never updated about the talk we had after brine a couple of weeks back (i think a mere week after my last post). he said he liked me and was serious about this relationship....and i said idk how i feel lolol. i was like ‘it’s only been a month!’ and he was like ‘it’s been 2 months including when we first started texting!’ which is true but...how do you know if you like someone after a mere 2 months of texting them........

anyway its been what, 3 ish months now? i think i probably have a better idea now and would be open to having a talk about where this is going if he initiates it sooooooon also btw he hasnt tried to hold my hand or anything yet. which i guess is out of respeck but also i wouldnt mind if he did. lol. i guess i think it would give me a better feel of whether theres a ~~~~spark~~~~ and if i instinctively recoil then it means there isnt...?? gah idk. will update again soon :)

[seabeck]

[elorablue]

Fisherman & Cats by zoonabar on Flickr.

[compulsive]