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Ugh, it’s sad that I’ve read so much ELJames that at this point I know that mentioning someone’s makeup twice is her code for “this woman’s too promiscuous and trying too hard.” Unlike her heroines, who have tons of sex, but with only one man because they are Good Girls, thanks, and wear only enough makeup to trick idiot men into thinking they’re not wearing any.

#the mister

Oh my god, an ELJames book where people use technology like normal human beings??? Why aren’t these people emailing each other from the same room?

#the mister #Mean Machine

This is brought up like it’s going to be a plot point: what did Kit know? Was his wife cheating on him? But the text will never address this mystery, because this is an ELJames novel and we can’t have interesting plots

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Calling it right now, this dude killed his brother. He’s related to the Seattle Strangler, after all.

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Oh good, he’s an earl. As if an ELJames hero needs more reason to be an overbearing asshole.

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LOL “Trevethick”? How do you say this? Treve-thick? Trevet-hick? Either way, he sounds like an asshole. Good job, ELJames

#the mister #eljames is best writer

So besides naming her main character after a men’s magazine, ELJames makes his last name the same as Christian Grey’s mom’s. But then does nothing else to link the two for the rest of the book. Are these people related? Does ELJames have trouble thinking of more than two names? We may never know

#the mister #eljames is best writer

None of ELJames’ heroes can pick up after themselves to save their lives, apparently

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It’s only chapter 1, and Our Hero Maxim is trying to do my job for me

#the mister #maxim

WAS his brother’s death an accident? Or was it MURDER? Seattle Strangler could be studying abroad.

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Yes, he HAD to fuck his brother’s widow right after the funeral because “grief”. And how better to keep your dead brother’s memory alive than fucking the woman he used to fuck?

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Oh my god, y’all, the hero’s name is MAXIM?!?!? lololololololol Thank you, ELJames, for giving me this gift. He sounds like a condom brand.

#the mister #maxim

How long does it take an ELJames hero to prove himself just the worst? Page 1, chapter 1, fucking his brother’s widow right after the funeral. As you do.

#the mister

Oh, and did you notice? This is from the prologue:

And this is from Chapter 1:

That’s right, friends. Not only are we switching POV between our two main characters, ELJames has also made the truly BIZARRE decision to switch between 1st and 3rd person as well.

#the mister #eljames is best writer

This is the intro to Our New Hero, and he’s already just swell.

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The prologue is 3 pages of our heroine escaping her kidnappers, and ELJames has her repeat a single word more than twice per page. She’s probably trying to clunkily portray desperation(?), but it’s so distracting it makes what should be a tense scene hilarious.

#the mister #eljames is best writer

So our story begins, like all good romance novels, with the heroine trying to escape human trafficking, a subject I am sure ELJames will treat with respect and well-researched care.

#the mister

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