Anyone else feel weirdly like two different people?
Like there’s the me that’s in control when I’m on autopilot:
Counts calories over and over. Tries to make food as low calorie as possible. Spits out high calorie foods if I accidentally lick something. Plan meals and recipes and thinks about food constantly.
Autopilot me feels so much satisfaction and relief to see low calorie numbers, and freaks out if I try to eat something because “that apple you’re holding has CALORIES that will be a part of you that you could easily AVOID”.
It automatically plans out ways to avoid calories “just in case”. It works to always choose lower options, even when it’s like 2 calories between them.
This version loves checking my weight and getting that stomach drop excitement of knowing it’s lower / noticing new changes / knowing that I’m eating less than everyone else
Like current me who loves studying and texting my friends and going for walks when it’s warm. Me who likes drawing in my spare time and podcasts and tv shows and having fun with my family.
Me who logically knows that I can’t function below 800 calories. Me who knows I should eat more. Far more rational than version 1, I know that 800 isn’t enough to gain weight on.
This version is scared of the health effects and desperately doesn’t want to lose more weight.
We have some things in common:
Neither of us want to eat. Neither of us genuinely want to sit down and consume things, though #2 is a lot better about enjoying foods.
But it just feels like a constant discussion???
Not so much a dramatic battle of me bravely combatting my thoughts like every ed tv show because they both suck but?
Like to eat I have to consult both versions of me and come to a compromise that both of us can work with.
Sometimes I physically cannot stop Version One from controlling what I do. Like I mean I could, but it feels like it.
Like yesterday I licked the knife my sister used for toast and I had to spit into the bin, wash my mouth out with ACTUAL SOAP then brush my teeth while crying for ten minutes. It felt like I was going completely insane because #2 knows that I cannot physically gain weight from .5 grams of marmelade.
So anyways. I’m going completely and utterly insane.
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