caffeinated thoughts

post-hot americano yapping 💭☕️

[morningamericano]

Ipaayo na dagay ni nako akong cam no?? Katapulan ba 😂

[morningamericano]

Di ko alam if divine guidance sya or grabe lang talaga yung intuition ko but after my first jowa lahat ng naging official jowa and fling ko alam ko from the very beginning and deep inside na di ako magiging seryoso sa kanila cuz they ain’t my husband.

Like alam ko na kaagad na eventually ma eend din kung anong meron kami so may exit plan na akong nakahanda. Di ako masyadong invested. Yung last jowa ko natatakot ako nun kasi pag mag ddate kami tas napadaan kaming Rustan’s, pumunta yun sya sa baby section nag titingin nga mga baby stuff hahaha! “Langga, this babydoll dress is nice no??” “Langga this stroller is cute” hahaha and ako naman sa loob ko “anong pinagsasabi ng hayop na to” hahahahaha! Kasi deep inside I do not see a future with him so if he’s talking in a future tense natatawa ako 😅.

Kaya ang bilis kong bumitaw and nawawala before pag ayaw ko na talaga cuz I know in my heart they ain’t my man. They’re with, I’m with them at the moment but I’m not theirs yennow what I’m saying?? I require their devotion and affection when they’re with me and I mirror that din naman, di ako nag chcheat pero pag ayoko na, ayoko na talaga.

Kaya kay 2nd love, mejj masakit yun kasi deep inside alam kong gusto ko syang makasama ng matagal. Di ako gumawa mg exit plan, ayokong gumawa ng escape route kasi nakikita ko yung sarili ko with him in the future. I met someone after him but… my nervous system told me he ain’t my husband. Second love met me kasi sa season ng buhay ko na kelangan unahin ko muna yung sarili ko. Ubos na ubos ako nun and sya yung pumupuno ng cup ko. Naisip ko pano kung mauubos na sya, ano yung mabibigay ko to fill his cup? Antagal ko nag let go nun hahaha nagising lang talaga ako nung maling name yung nabanggit sa good night message nya. Di ko naman sya mablame if he wanted to meet other people, gets ko yun. Ako yung umalis e. With me, knowing na aalas ako, he had this fear na baka di ko sya pipiliin in the end, na baka mawala rin ako sa life nya so gets ko yung part na he had to protect himself from the pain of losing me. Gets ko yun kasi ako rin nung time na yun, di ko sya pwedeng piliin kasi andaming nangyayari sa buhay ko and ayoko syang madamay ng malala.

Despite everything that happened in the past, I am somehow grateful for the choices we made because it brought us to better place. Masaya ako na masaya sya sa life nya ngayon. Nakita ko sa LinkedIn account nya na manager na sya and deserve nya yun ng so much. I know how hard he works and grabe din yung work ethic nya tapos sobrang galing nya as a graphic designer so deserve nya talaga yung position na yun. And I guess masaya rin sya where I am right now. Nag share ako last time sa kanya na I'm now living the answered prayer we prayed for before I left Cebu. It was something impossible yet God made it possible and I just had to share it to him. And yuh, mukhang masaya naman sya sa chika kong yun haha. We both praised God for the answered prayer.

The other day I was having pancakes and naiisip ko sya. Naalala ko na naman kasi how he shared his 1/2 pancakes to me. Nag post ako about it hahaha paki back read na lang. And I couldn’t help but be emotional knowing na mahirap makatagpo ng someone same as him. But I am grateful that I got to meet and love (and be loved by) someone like him in this lifetime. I praise God everyday that he happened in my life.

[ziekseks]

si ai girl cxlestineee na may account sa dating app at nagsesend ng nudes sa mga nakakachat niya (not sure if “mga” kasi isa pa lang naman yung nakausap kong nakilala siya fr dating app but who knooows) mga nakukuhang pictures na ini-ai kapag may face. kinacareer mo talaga yang brand mo ah.

tapos pina-screenshot ko yung feed niya kasi naka-private siya. ayon, may nakuha din pala siyang pics from @/tigre-edi-rawr & @/hello-ellesworld. how did i know? diba kapag nagvi-view ka ng ig profile, may lalabas na suggested accounts? pinag-follow ko yung mga naka-follow sa kanya, tapos isa lang talaga yung nakipag-usap sakin na luckily, nakilala siya sa dating app. & chineck ko isa-isa yung mutuals ko dito para ma-track kung kanino ba talaga niya kinukuha yung mga pics (yes, madami akong time sa mga naninira ng peace dito lewl)

scary part is, nagsesend si ate girl ng tth/nudes na kinukuha lang kung kani-kanino. at ngayon, bikers naman daw ang ganap ni ate. sad for the girl na current victim nya. kaya hindi na talaga safe magpost dito e. to you—whoever the fuck u are, get professional help. you seriously need it. & i hope u get the exact karma u deserve. what goes around always finds its way back.

[morningamericano]

Stalkers are hella scary. Yung iba di lang ginagawang AI yung face, sinasabuhay na talaga yung kung sino ka para magusto sila ng taong bet nila 😭. Nakakaawa kasi parang they have zero love and respect for themselves na willing silang maging ibang tao just to be liked or loved. They need to seek professional help. Mamiiii anlala nila 😮‍💨

[morningamericano]

You will always be my favorite bookstore date 💕✨

[morningamericano]

Material things are meaningless when you never had their heart 🤭

[morningamericano]

I am slowly letting go of the guilty feeling each time I spoil myself. I grew up in a household where I was always made to feel that I am an inconvenient and communicating what I need and want for myself was considered as rebellion. So I got used to being okay na hindi na lang nagccommunicate sa ano talaga ang gusto ko and I thought staying silent and just being okay with everyone’s bare minimum is what keeps the peace.

Kaya now, whenever they ask something from me na kaya ko namang ibigay, I also buy fun stuff for myself or even yung mga essential stuff na matagal ko nang gustong bilhin binibili ko rin kasi sa isip ko, di pwedeng sila lang yung masaya. Dapat mas masaya ako sa sarili kong money.

Yes, magastos sya in some sense pero kung napapasaya ko naman yung self ko and napapagaan yung current situation ko, pikit mata ko syang bibilhin and say “whatever you want, my queen” because I deserve to have the life that I want for myself with God’s help. I will share my blessings but I am now making sure that my cup is also full up to the brim 🙏🏼✨

[morningamericano]

So ever since this huge 1-2 (depends on how huge your ass is 😅) seater sofa bed came, dito na ako dumederetcho after I get up and make my coffee in the morning. When I moved out from my parents’ house, di ko talaga iniexpext na aabot ako sa ganitong level na I would have a place na may enough space for stuff like this one.

And gets ko na kung bakit it’s nice to have a good living space sa place mo… kasi diba, para di lang bed, dining table, and study desk yung pinupuntahan mo when you’re at home 😅😅. Gets ba?? It’s nice to have an area where I can properly and comfortably sit and read and not fall asleep. Sa study desk mejj sumasakit yung katawan ko pag matagal akong nakaupo sa ergonomic chair. Kung sa bed naman, ayyy dzai wala pang 2 chapters borlogs na ako sess. Here sa sofa bed, iba yung feeling eh. You can read comfortably but kung aabotan ako ng antok dito parang mas gusto ko sa bed humilata kesa here kasi di ako nakakahiga ng deretcho, unless gagawin ko syang bed which is nakaktamad kasi ang bigaaaaat nya sess!! May spring yung mattress, di lang foam. Parang nakakatamad magbaklas ng parts hahahaha rekta na lang bed wag na pahirapan si self.

So yuh, this is one of those purchases ko since moving out na pinagisipan ng malala tas nung dumating, super worth it. Ang taray ng brand na to kasi they sell extra sofa cover set tas andaming available colors to choose from. Those 2 huge pillows costs 700+ a piece…?? Or 1k..?? Idk di ko na maalala BUT they gave em all for free 😭😭😭. Small pillow set lang kasi yung free but gulat si me nung dumating kasi WOWOWOWOW 4 pillows??? Thank you Lord 😭🙏🏼✨.

I thought nung inorder ko to maliit lang sya, parang gusto kong palitan ng 3 seater. Nag plan pa ako na kukuha ng 1 seater pag nagustohan ko sya. Ayyy dzai wag na haha! Oks na pala to, sisikip na pala dito pag 3 seater yung kinuha ko or kukuha pa ako ng 1 seater. I was divinely guided talaga when I finally checked this item out sa Shopee.

And yes, jan ko talaga sa rug minsan nilalagay yung kape ko 😅. Iniisip ko pa kasi if I should get a coffee table or not so jan na muna yan sya para kung matapon, papalabhan ko lang yung rug. Delikado pag sa mattress natapon yung kape anlaking abala 🤭

[morningamericano]

It sorta feels surreal, still, na at one point in my life tumira ako sa Iloilo??? Like totoo bang nangyari yun? Totoo bang na sa Jaro ako for 2 years? Ha???

[morningamericano]

Grabe, Tumblr is not a safe place anymore. I used to pour my heart out here but since the stalking incident last year, parang nakakatakot na to post personal stuff here. GV GV lang naman tong place na to before for me but… idk, man. Parang sa dami nang taong may access sa internet parang we’re giving them free pass to lurk and invade our virtual space. Kahit anong block mo sa kanila they will always find a way to hover upon your online existence. They may seem normal people offline, professional and stuff, cute and cinnamon roll blah blah blah but online they’re scary and creepy. Only God and their guardian angels know who they are when no one’s watching.

Nakakairita lang na andaming panira ng trip dito. I’ve been here since 2009 yet since last year ko lang naramdaman this kind of fear. I just hate it when people spoil good stuff. Like can’t they just be miserable alone? Bakit nandadamay? Goodness gracious.

[morningamericano]

Ewan. Natatakot na ako magmahal 😅.

Parang I’m already too comfortable inside my own bubble, I feel too safe inside the walls that I have built around me na parang kung di mahihigitan yung standards ko edi wag na lang. Ang tahimik ng buhay ko, wala akong ibang iniisip beside my personal, social, and work life. Yan lang. Wala akong iniisip na baka they are with someone else or may kinakausap na iba while being consistent sa communication nila sakin.

The last time I allowed myself to love kasi sobra akong nasaktan char haha! Iniisip ko pano kung yung guy na mamahalin ko ibang name na naman mababanggit pag nag ggood morning 😅. 3 days straight akong literal na tulog iyak nun tas late ko pa syang na process ng bongga kasi I had to get it all together for the final interview sa QA role. Mga a month pa bago ko sya naiyak ng bongga.

Tas akala ko okay na ako, sinostalk pa bigla ako ng girl edi nakikita ko na naman yung name na yun, almost half a year ata akong hindi okay nun haha. Nag ssleep paralysis pa ako dahil dun. Yung anxiety ko nun always mataas na feeling ko pati here sa Luzon sinostalk ako ni girl. Anlala talaga ng 2025 nakakabaliw.

Now na I am truly okay, I don’t know kung kaya ko pa ng ganung eksena sa life. Tama na siguro yun. I already forgave them for causing me to go through that painful phase, okay na rin kami ni guy now. Pero ewan, pag naaalala ko yun parang bumabalik yung nangyari tas naiisip ko na nakakatakot magmahal ulit.

I was introspecting recently and I realized na territorial akong tao. Not because I am insecure but because ayokong may ka share ng affection ng taong mahal ko. Not to the point na nananakal na ako kasi I still let them be, may freedom pa naman sila gawin yung mga gusto nila. Pero ayoko yung may ka chat silang ibang babae na chummy chummy vibes. If they met them before me I would understand na maguusap talaga sila once in a while but di yung everyday tas may mga inside jokes pa. ESPECIALLY when you guys had a thing before na naudlot or fwb kayo. Dapat di na kayo chummy sa each other kasi andito na ako. Kasi ganyan ako e, once I am in a relationship with you ikaw na yung focus ko. You have all my love, devotion, and affection. Sayong sayo yan lahat saksak mo pa sa baga mo charot LOL. So I expect na ganun ka rin sakin. And I don’t think I will ever change. Before naooffend ako pag sinasabihang territorial, in denial pa ako nun. Pero now I am owning it.

And I don’t think there’s someone out there who would understand it, baka for them that’s being possessive haha! Iba kasi yung possessive kasi kinukulong and sinasakal mo na sila na dapat wala na silang friends and bawal silang gumawa ng stuff alone dapat kasama ka palagi nakakaloka LOL. What’s mine is mine — your love, devotion, and affection as your lover, they’re all mine. Wala akong dapat kahati ng mga yan. You can still have your own life and do your own thing kasi ganun din ako, I wanna have my own life. But when it comes to those things aforementioned, sakin lang dapat yan.

Ganyan yung mindset and standard ko and I am okay staying single for the rest of my life kung di rin naman mabibigay lahat sakin yan. Many people would say antaas naman ng standards ko baka tatanda raw akong mag isa. Bakit, by group ba dapat?? Chrzz hahaha! Ehanonaman?? Kung magiging miserable lang buhay ko wag na sess. Oks na ako mag isa 🤭🤭

[morningamericano]

👁️👄👁️🩸🩸

As of date, my period is still painless… it bothers me 🫨.

Napapaisip ako minsan if there’s something wrong with my reproductive system kasi I used to have hella, I mean HELLA, bad period cramps and now, the only days that I feel a slight discomfort is during the ovulation phase, and usually sa RLQ and lower back area ko lang yan. Siguro if lagyan ko sya ng discomfort score mga na sa 2.6/10 haha ganun lang. That and OA sa pagkaemotional are the signs na malapit na period ko. The dysmenorrhea stopped before I turned 25. Yung pain score ko talaga nun ses was 7/10 but now, sige respeto na lang haha mga 1/10..?? Idk!! Di ko alam kung pain score ba dapat basta I just have 4-5 painless red days and then done! Ganern! LOL!

Napapaisip ako kung my issue ba yung matres ko kasi most of the women I know nagkakadysmenorrhea talaga even until in their late 30s-early 40s before nag perimenopause, they still experience painful periods tas ako nafefeel ko lang na nagcocontract yung uterus and yan na yun. Wala na yung pain that I experienced nung college na parang mamatay na ako kasi buong katawan ko masakit, may kasama pang malalang migraine minsan.

Napapaisip lang ako ng thoughts na to during my period, wala lang. I really don’t know exactly kung anong ginawa ko before the dysmenorrhea stopped but and naiisip ko lang is I switched to vegetarian diet when I turned 20 although there are days na kumakain pa rin ako ng white and red meat but in most days veggies lang talaga, and around that time I also switched to black coffee from regular 3in1 coffee (although I still indulge myself with Kopiko black every other month hihi). Those 2 factors lang talaga iniisip ko as to why di na ako nag dedysmenorrhea 🤔💭

Pero early this year, I was under so much work-related stress and panay kain ko ng beef that I felt a 2/10 pain sa puson ko. 2 months yun. Tas delayed yung period ko ng 3 days. Jumubis si accla ng mejj that time. Nung tinigilan ko na yung beef tas naging okay naman na yung eme sa work, back to painless period na naman si badeng.

*awkward silence*

[angaklatngkahel]

then gray, green and orange 🤭

[morningamericano]

pag nagsasampay ako ng mga damit natatawa ako kasi baka sabihin ng mga kapitbahay dito member ako ng kulto kasi black lahat halos nakasampay 🥲

[morningamericano]

Me and my Nokia N72, 2012

Pre-instagram era pa to hahaha andami kong paandar hayop 🤣

[morningamericano]

Pinipigilan ko si self mag check out ng macbook neo 512gb sa mga oras na iteyyy. Sinasabi ko kay self enough na muna si ipad mini 5 wag syang umarte di sya mayaman 😅

[morningamericano]

All is vanity. All is vanity.

[morningamericano]

Am I blushing?? Or is this seborrheic dermatitis flare up?? Or is this butterfly rash?? Am I dying?? Haha di natin knows. Abangan sa susunod na kabanata! Rwarr 🤪

[morningamericano]

Kinahanglan na gyud nako makaton ug drive haaaay 😮‍💨