i wanna quit abusing drugs. i really do! and this time i wont give up.
5 days clean!
1 week!
10 days - still clean!
i gave up after 2 weeks but hey im trying again and i’ve been clean for 10 days now
it’s been 2 weeks (again) !
i still have a hope that im not helpless so im gonna try again and again untill i succeed. its been 4 days now.
will i ever be clean for real?
i totally lost control and abused drugs 24/7 for a while but right now im sobering up. its hard.
i’ve been clean for 20 days but oh god i miss cocaine
it’s very hard im suffering but i have to be strong
it’s been 24 days, and im stronger than ever. drug abuse almost ruined my life. i’m ready to change.
today it’s one month and im still strong but oh my sometimes i really wanna do a line.
my body has cleaned itself completely! today my drug test was negative for the first time. im so happy!
cocaine made me more wet than any men ever will. it’s really hard today. i’m suffering.
34 days - i miss doing drugs
40 days clean and its getting a lot easier. right now im trying to help my boyfriend with getting clean, he stopped abusing drugs 3 weeks ago. everything seems to be fine now.
45 days - life is ok but im not happy
i kinda think my junkie friends suck now
today its so fucking hard i dont miss weed i dont miss lsd or any kind of mdma just gimme some cocaine
it’s been 50 days today. my boyfriend thinks he can exchange drugs with alcohol but that really doesn’t change anything. why does this keep on happening to me? i’m really starting to have enough.
i watch movies of drug addicts just so i wouldn’t want to be a user again
my boyfriend is one month sober today. that’s a big thing after 5 years of drug addiction.
when you’re in it you really wanna quit cause deep inside you’re suffering but after you quit you just really don’t know why you did it and wanna go back to abusing drugs again
they drugged him. they fucking drugged him. our junkie friends put some mdma crystals in my boyfriend’s beer. all night long he refused to do drugs and they didn’t respect his choice. we said no to even fucking cocaine. i’m so disappointed. he was over one month sober. we won’t talk to them again. that shit wasn’t funny.
last day it was new year’s eve and i didn’t do any drugs. i am proud of myself.
56 days clean and i just really had enough of the junkie life. i just wanna have fun and i’m starting to realise how to do it without drugs.
the last few days i cried a lot. i’ve been thinking about smoking weed again just to help the pain go away faster. i know it’s a bad idea but before i became an addict i was very pro-weed and now i’m kinda confused if it would cause me any harm or not.
my borderline really doesn’t help me with staying clean
coming back to school is hard. my whole class thinks of me as a junkie.
it’s been 2 months y’all. yee yee i’m so sober :))
my boyfriend is on drugs again. i’ve been thinking of ending things with him a lot lately. will see how i decide.
i’m not strong enough to leave him. even if he hurts me a lot my love for him will never disappear. i love him as much as he loves cocaine and i don’t even care if he doesn’t love me back. i feel like i need him. i’m weak.
i feel like i need to change my enviroment completely. i had enough of junkies around me i’ve lost too many good people in the past and i want to fix my relationship with them. i also have to say goodbye to my love. he doesn’t have a good affect on me. these are very hard choices to make and i know it will be very hard at the beggining but i feel like i might be able to do it.
66 days - i cant even remember what cocaine felt like. it all seems so distant.
sometimes i still have the desire to just do one line or smoke a joint and i kinda wish i could delete this feeling
im not statisfied with the way im living right now
im thinking about giving up. i dont even know why. i just have no motivation...
69 days sober - last day i cried for 3 hours, i really miss mdma.
today i’ll let my boyfriend do drugs while we are partying. im staying clean.
im so sad somebody please help i really wanna die right now
yesterday i bought 2 ecstasy pills. one for my boyfriend and the other one for myself. today we are going to an amazing techno party and im thinking about taking one, but im not sure yet. tonight we will see how strong i really am.
i did it. i stayed clean.
i feel like im stuck in a life that i dont wanna live
75 days - today im going to attend a support group for relatives of addicts with my boyfriend’s mother. im curious.
the support group is bullshit. also, i smoked a joint with my friends in the weekend. i had very bad convulsions, this was a great lesson for me to see that i'm just not capable of consuming any kind of drug, not even weed. this was a one time thing, i just had to see if it still feels the same.
my boyfriend still haven't stopped using drugs. i have a feeling that he'll be an addict his whole life. this really makes me sad.
yesterday i tried to kill myself
i broke up with him. finally. also, i smoked weed once again. im sorry i couldnt stand the pain.
im gonna get over him. life choose the wrong person to fuck with. im gonna be happy and noone can ruine this for me.
i dont know if smoking weed equals failing being sober. i mean i only smoked weed twice and im still not sure if i wanna keep this habit or not. but what is more important for now is that its been 5 days since the break up and im recovering right now. trying to focus on myself and myself only. you know, just same old post-break up stuff. but deep inside im still very upset.
he has a new bitch now. fuck him :))
turns out he's been cheating on me. and i fucking wasted all my time on him. im such a fool. tomorrow im going to a big party, prom but techno style. there will be a lot of fucking cocaine. i have no idea whats gonna happen but one thing is sure there's a great chance for me to give this all up and enjoy myself for once. even tho i havent done any drug except for weed for 90 days now. thats a looot of fucking time.
he told me he would travel abroad today but turns out he's not and he's coming to the party. his new girl will be there too. now im sure i'll need drugs to handle that situation.
i didnt go and i stayed clean.
so the thing is i bought cocaine and amphetamine on friday for the party and i still had my little ecstasy pill from last time... but as i said i didnt do anything. i sold the amphetamine and the ecstasy on saturday but i still had cocaine and yesterday my ex came to my place and said he wanted to talk thing out. i believed him and had sex with him, i even sold him some of my cocaine but then he said it just really didnt mean anything to him and he left. i feel really stupid. i was thinking about doing drugs to make the pain go away but yeah im still clean. its really hard these days i feel kinda empty.
im gonna do coke today. such an ironic way to celebrate being clean for 100 days...
i am not ashamed. i went through a lot lately. i lost evetything. even tho i know its wrong, i deserve a little freedom.
everything is falling apart
i have nothing left. im thinking about suicide.
i just wanna feel something
im still on drugs. this is the only thing i have left.
thanks to coronavirus, in the near future it will almost be impossible to find drugs or go partying. this would be a great opportunity for me to get clean again, but im not sure if thats what i want. im just so confused.
i cant take it i need drugs, like right now
i feel so fucking empty
i've had a series of mental breakdowns the last few days and im literally going crazy. im not even taking a lot of drugs im just really fucked up mentally. my ex is kinda back in my life but i dont even know why i talk to him cause all he does is hurting my feelings. but yeah i still love him. and as im staying in isolation thanks to covid-19 im just starting to lose my mind.
my ex is literally coughing blood. i guess there's a point where you gotta stop using drugs.
i did shrooms yesterday. it was nice. but today im sad again. drugs dont help with my mental health but in the moment it always feels so good. its hard to say no.
oh god im so high on speed. drugs are the only thing that can fill the emptiness in my soul. this is my only happiness.
i thought quarantine was gonna help with staying clean but im just getting more of a junkie
been clean for a week from synthetics, and i don't even know why. i mean i got the money (from a friend, big shoutout to her). i got the drugs. i got all the opportunities to get high but i've been only smoking weed for a while now. i've got into a new relationship but im not in love. the fact that i probably lost my ex forever still breaks my heart. he was my everything. i hope he gets clean one day.
from what i learnt from my past experiences with junkies i definietly reccommend you not to give money to an addict. i mean, as a big ass junkie i adore the people who give me some money with the thought that im gonna buy some food and eat finally cause im getting skinnier and skinner from the tons of narcotics i take. but thats like BuLShiT! for an addict drugs always have priority. they even push away people from them just to sniff a line or drop some acid. and thats why they buy drugs the very first time they have the opportunity from the money you gave them for food or clothes or fuck knows what. thats what i did too. and even if they get angry with you, just dont do it if you wanna help them. you see, thats an interesting thing about junkies. if you try to save them they hate you, but if you help them get even lower they adore you. but deep inside you will know that you're just trying to save your loved one. trust me thats the right thing to do (even if this stands against my interests). just take my advice.
i really wish i could stop
happy 420 folks, smoke some fat blunts
im really disappointed in my life. i wish i could be happy but nothing seems to satisfy me anymore.
my new boyfriend wants to stop using drugs. maybe i'll join him and try to get clean again. im having hallucinations and panic attacs very often and i know things are turning very serious. i'm just so sad i can't take all the pain i have to face when i'm clean. my mother's cancer, my ex who i still love more than anything and my borderline make my life a living hell. i'm not sure if i can do this. all i can do is at least give it a try.
yesterday i dropped acid with my boyfriend in a forest. we both took 250ug. it was very intense. i kinda had an emotional breakdown during my comedown. i couldn't get my ex outta my mind.
i've been clean for 3 days, i know it's not much but you gotta start somewhere. even tho i'm not sure this will be permanent. i'm definietly going to smoke weed and drink alcohol, but i'll try to avoid narcotics and sedatives. especially lyrica, wich i took for my borderline and wich caused me many mental problems from hallucinations to serious anxiety attacts. im exited to see how i'll do this time.
tomorrow its my birthday. im not sure if im gonna stay clean. we are going to travel to lake balaton with my boyfriend to my grandparents old cabin for the weekend. i might buy some cocaine but it depends on many things. especially money. will see how it goes.
aaand i did coke. what a surprise.
i accidentally ran into my ex today. it was weird. didn't touch me as much as i thought it would tho.
at least im not doing heroin
its now very clear to me: i wont be clean for a while now
i dropped acid again. still thinking about my ex a lot. i hope he's doing great.
been clean for a week folks :)
i did mdma and slept with a friend and i really dont understand why i did it
been clean from synthetics for two weeks. only smoking weed now. still thinking about my ex every single day even tho we broke up 5 months ago. he's my biggest addiction.
three weeks clean from synthetics and im feeling a lot better. a scottish friend of my boyfriend's will come to hungary this week and he's gonna bring a lot of crack. im thinking about trying it but im not sure yet.
i had a very shitty day at work, i just wanna do a line
as i read back this whole post i was like... who am i trying to fool? but really. saying that im fine, telling you that i can take all that shit and be clean. im not that strong. i might have had a few breaks from drug abuse but im still a junkie. however, im almost one month sober now.
yesterday i went to an illegal techno party. i took 5 ecstasy pill and fell in love with a girl.
im going to quit my job today. i got a job offer closer to my place with a better payment. also, tomorrow im going to a techno party with the girl i met last week. she's the most gorgeous human being i've ever seen.
i went to the party, took a bit too many drugs and kissed the girl. however i haven't quit my job yet. i know its funny but im really scared of my boss.
i feel like everyone hates me. i hate myself too. i wish i could be perfect but im just a junkie. at least i finally quit my job. im gonna start working at the other place next week.
my dealer ripped me off with 280 euros and beat the shit out of me. i feel stupid for trusting him, but i learnt from this and quit selling drugs.
i met someone. i feel blessed. also i got addicted to ketamine.
shit. i am not fine. i need a break from partying. gotta get my shit together cause right now im broken af.
im not fine. imnotfineimnotfineimnotfine. somebody please help.
daily ketamine use is mentally overwhelming
im all by myself. i have nobody but thats ok.
my drug addiction is getting out of control
i moved in to a friends place, a lot of change is happening
im emotionally exhausted, i really need someone to just love and accept me unconditionally
i've gotta stop being so damn melancholic and start feeling good about myself
i moved in alone to a very nice apartmant, however i recently got addicted to gina. ketamine and gina dont go well together, so my two main addictions are fighting eachother right now. but guess what. im happy. im spending a lot of time with someone who's very important to me and this makes my days brighter. also i have the most wonderful group of friends.
finally got my shit together. currently in a relationship with an amazing person and i have very supportive people around me. taking less ketamine but more gina, trying to experience something new.
even tho everything has changes so much, i still sometimes think about my past. i like to take my time and sit on my balcony, get real stoned and just think about how it used to be. yes i still think about him. that phase in my life turned everything upside down. i wouldnt have ever thought things would turn out this way. and even tho im truly happy for the first time in almost one and a half years, i kinda miss those days.
im kinda realising how much of a bad person i've always been. and i still am. i've hurt so many people, and even tho it wasnt on purpose i'll never be able to make this right.
im trying to cut out gina from my life and go from daily drug use to weekly.
eyoo im one week sober!!! i havent been sober for more than a day in the last half year. im actually proud of myself.
i was sober for 2 weeks and then i tried 2cb for the first time but im guessing i didnt take enough cause i didnt really feel anything. im not partying or using alone at all, im only interested in psychedelics right now.
another week without partying or doing drugs. i started taking antidepressants. actually feeling kinda better.
ok so i did coke for the first time after like half a year and it feels so strange
im kinda losing hope about me ever getting clean
ok so everything seems to be going fine now. my relationship is kinda going in the right direction even tho as im trying to stay clean my boyfriends addiction to gina is just getting a lot more serious. he's been oding every other day. i kinda want someone who's simply not addicted to any kind of hard drugs but this just might be too much to fucking ask for haha. after all i myself am a big ass junkie so.. and i always say that i like my man how i like my latte, skinny and full of mdma :D nevermind. but at the same time i seem to have caught feelings for someone else. how tipical is this? once u got what u wanted u start to have desire for something else. i guess thats just how people work.
i got prescription for sedatives and sleeping pills. back to the business baby. anyways i might have covid-19. and im definietly having very intense feelings for someone else. i did gina and ecstasy for a few days at home with a few friends (which was actually very irresponsible due to my illness) and i had a very bad comedown. im gonna try and avoid g for a bit now. its killing my stomach. but like - literally.
although i cant stop thinking about this other person i've met, i know for sure that my boyfriend is the sweetest kindest babyboy i could ever be with so im trying my best at avoiding my honest feelings. leaving him would be the beggining of a huge downfall for me and i dont want that to happen.
my boyfriend said g is something in his life he would never leave behind because he can't function without it. i really don't want to do this all again. i can't spend my life trying to save addicts from dying. this might sound selfish but i'm happy for the first time after a long time and i finally have the strenght to minimalize my drug intake and having someone around who's always on g doesn't really help me with staying clean.
i saw the scariest g od of my life. this sweet girl i know took a bit too much - but on purpose, cause usually an od feels like heaven. but her reaction to it was something i've never seen. she collapsed, her body was twitching and she was screaming for help. she looked like she was in a lot of pain. she couldn't breath she was throwing up constantly. she started undressing until she was completely naked and scratched herself until she started bleeding. it was the scariest drug experience i've ever seen. gina is really not something you wanna be messing around with.
i had an overdose. everyone thought i was gonna die i took like 15 rivotril drank to it and took 20 ml g. a very important rule in a junkie's life is that you dont take sedatives with gina, neighter drink alcohol (sometimes it makes it more fun but its very dangerous and your breathing could stop). the most interesting thing about this is that i dont even know why i did it. i dont remember wanting to kill myself. actually i dont remember anything from the whole thing. my boyfriend said he called me on face time and i collapsed during the call so he grabbed a cab and ran to my place to save my life. if he didnt come i might have died that night.
i broke up with my boyfriend and im 10 days clean back to the business baby
i am 2 weeks sober and everything is worse now
i believe its very important to acknowledge your feelings. but im just so confused. i have all these feelings turning my life upside down. im angry. im so angry because im trying my best and its so hard. but im also very sad. its scary how difficult life is.
i did lsd, it was the albert hoffmann stamp with 200ug and i could see my visuals so clearly it was very intense. i also did ketamine with my friends in the weekend. but surprisingly i dont feel guilty about it.
20 days sober im overthinking and really anxious but i manage to avoid escaping into drug abuse
i slit my wrist a week ago. im better now dont worry.
ok so i disappeared for a while because winter was very strange and hard to cope with for me. the reason i slit my wrist was a man forcing me to have sex with him. when i got home i had a very bad panic attack, i didnt know whats going on. i probably fainted and when i woke up i had blood all over my bathroom floor but gladly i didnt lose enough blood to die. i honestly dont remember getting the blade and cutting myself. but the only thing that matters now is that im alive and ive been working on my mental healt ever since.
somehow i always find a way to fuck things up. im working on myself for months im starting to feel like a better person im doing better mentally and drug wise too and then bamm i fuck something up. and i only need one tiny little thing to go wrong and i immediately go back to where i was at the beggining. im trying. i really am. and i truly want to become a good person but its just so hard to do everything perfectly and failiure makes me cut off all the motivation that i gained in the past.
i have this intense feeling of having to run away again. i just need to disappear temporarily. i want to start over. i always want to start over.
it's my birthday. i've been writing this post for two and a half years already. progress is everything. i promise to myself that i'll be kinder to myself in the future.
i had a bad od yesterday. i feel physically and mentally tired.
what am i doing with my life
okay so its summer which means that im partying more. the difference from the last few ones is that now i dont do 4 days partying in a row. i stop after maximum 48 hours being awake and i only party once every one or two weeks. i know this is still not sober but im really trying to compare all this to myself and see the progress that im making even tho after all these years im still not clean.
its autumn now and im still not clean. what a surprise. i guess im stuck in this reality forever.
guess what, im happy. i only go to parties like once a month, i got into a relationship that is finally healthy and has good communication, im starting to feel valid and more and more stable. my therapist adviced me to slowly stop taking my antidepressant, which has been going on for a few weeks now. its an emotional roller coaster, my anger issues came back and im crying every second day, but im trying my best to stop my dependence from a stupid numbing pill and force my brain to start producing serotonin by itself. i know i can do it, i finally have the strenght and the support. i adopted two cats who also help me daily with my mood swings. in two days im supposed to stop taking my meds completely, and i know it will be bad for a week but i cant rely on antidepressants all my life. after my therapist made sure im not going psycho from withdrawal we will close the therapy itself too. finally after 3 years i can save up some money lol. i can of course contact him if anything goes wrong, but he encourages me to try and solve my problems for myself, and eventually heal completely. i also finally have plans for my future, and it gives me something to look forward to. people wouldnt even imagine how much strenght this can give. if everything goes well ill move to the netherlands next year and start learning psychology. is it running away? a bit. but i thought it through many times and i have much better chances for a mentally stabil life there. and this time im not even particularly going for the 'new beggining' even tho i love those. my country really makes me wanna jump out of a window. i need liberalism, tolerance, joy. not alcoholism, racism and homophobia. it would also be a way for me to find friends who dont have severe substance abuse problems (even tho i truly love my friends). all in all its a nice thing to dream about, and if i get it all together i know i can succeed.
the constante urge to escape
if life is always gonna be this hard im not sure i want it
sometimes my brain just blocks out all my emotions. its almost as if i was completely empty on the inside. existing but not living.
why tf did i dream with my ex. i can sense that everything that ive built up the last few months is really close to falling apart and its all because of me. i shouldnt be sleeping with that dude, maybe an open relationship is just not for us after all.
that fucking asshole introduced me to drugs and left me more broken than i ever was and i keep trying to find the right place but i cant and deep down i know it was meant to be and i would be a junkie even if i never met him but it doesnt help with all the anger and sadness i cant escape my thoughts and whats changing? im changing? i dont know whats real anymore
a few days ago we took a really high dosage of suboxone with my bf and even tho it was designed to help heroin users not to relapse it left us so fucking dopesick. since we never did heroin it kinda functioned as if we would have just done the drug itself except it contains a shitton of narcan so if you shoot up or snort it it will only have a minimal effect or no effect at all. we were constantly throwing up, and we are still having diarrhea. swinging between not being able to sleep and literally passing out. at least i dont feel like wanting to start doing opiates anymore.
bro i havent been up here in the last 10 months. a lot of things have happened. i moved out of my shithole country to study psychology. i already gave up and planning to drop out. maybe im not the one who should provide mental help, but the one who requires it. or isnt that all psychology students? or actually all of us? anyways, i decided to try and see if i can persue a career related to arts. i didnt dare to try when it came down to choosing a career path, because i didnt believe that i have that special thing in me that can make an artist actually successful. but tbh, fuck success. i just wanna express myself. so i am applying for a film course in berlin with a short film that im working on at the moment. if i dont try, ill never know. i am still using, in fact my addiction got worse since i moved here. but at least i had no choice but to be separated from my friends (who i love very much) but who are also very deep down in the spiral of addiction. there is a whole ass gina epidemic now in hungary. im really glad not to be part of it, ive been clean from gina for 1.5 years now. here i barely party and when i do there are no afterparties and 72 hour benders, everyone just goes home and sleeps it off. not as much fun but way healthier. im still stuck in a relationship that i am not 100% confident about. its open and long distance. i dont remember the last time i felt passion. pathetic, really. or maybe that's just what im scared of. conventional happiness.
