beams

go suwon / twenty six / nightmare's main vocalist

[soracities]

You and your face of night, you and your hair, unhurried lightning…

Octavio Paz, from ‘As One Listens to the Rain’ (via soracities)

[idsuwon]

holler

[idsuwon]

idjiyeon:

“mushy? me? never!” jiyeon laughs, tension now forgotten. suwon has the talent of keeping her at peace, bringing her to reality and helping her focus, and for that jiyeon would always be grateful. and sometimes she feels like she doesn’t express that enough; jiyeon is a difficult person when it comes to feelings, never showing too much, trusting her actions would speak louder than any words. for now she is glad suwon and the other members understand her personality and never ask for more than she can give, that they see through her.

we got your back, jiyeon. from that she is sure, and it gives her the strength necessary to go on. she can do anything if her members are with her.

god, she is mushy.

at the change of subject jiyeon smiles brightly, the prospect of going out with the other girls seems like a dream. she can’t remember the last time they all went out together without worries about curfew, diet or anything else. “you think manager would let us?” this is the part of the idol life no one would understand: being an adult and having to ask for permission to go out seems so out of reality people would think they are overreacting, but this is their life.

it’s strange to think, but they had more freedom when they were trainees. they had a curfew and long hours of training, but at least they could leave the dorm in the middle of the night without thinking of repercurssions. and sure, maybe they would get yelled at, but there were not many risks as there is now. “we haven’t done it in how long? i can’t even remember.” jiyeon pouts, the idea too tempting to not try. “we could have dinner and then go to a noraebang, what do you think?” she can already picture them singing together, maybe a bit tipsy, being normal girls on their twenties. “i’m in, we need to do something and relieve the stress, five stressed girls in one house is not a good idea.”

she nods. “perfect!”

when it comes to planning excursions with the girls, suwon can’t expect anything less. good company is hard to come by; surely it’s a blessing of a god that she had somehow landed in a group that knew how to have it. there are bonds she’s known that have run their course, but she can’t possibly imagine it to happen here. not now, not anytime soon.

you think the manager will let us?

naturally in the absence of one problem, there just have to be others to take up its place.

“i don’t know, actually.” she purses her lips, as though seriously contemplating the issue. then:

“he won’t have to let us if he doesn’t know in the first place.”

she can’t help the laugh that bubbles out. his face possibly beet-red in the face with anger, or — with how much shit they make him put up with — just looking utterly defeated. the mental image is funny either way. too hard to pass up.

“we can’t be blamed though. it’s literally been forever.” and forever shouldn’t be the case. but even suwon can’t deny that there’s something invaluable about it all the same. those few moments of reprieve, lost in the city. the moment. lost for the sake of being lost, for however long.

“i can’t wait.”

[idsuwon]

encore

@idchanwoo

(detail your character performing at a school festival)

burning, that’s what the feeling is, from the ache in her heels to the labored heave of lungs about to give out. even the sweat on her person is more sticky than slick, cheeks heavy with thick matte makeup.

but it also feels good. she’s feeling good.

it can’t be helped: the still ever-obscure nightmare had stepped onto the stage with little to no expectations, only to end their set with the thunderous applause from the ewha crowd. of course, it’d been no match for the explosive hysterics that’d followed when atlas came after them, but suwon is smiling way too hard for envy to be the first thing on her mind.

because the thing is, she’d been here before. not as an idol, but as one of the many students that’d arrived for the event. may was a month much anticipated by those on campus: the promise of warmer weather, cherry blossoms in bloom, the numerous festivals that would be in tow. funny, she’d always been of the belief that life always comes full circle, but suwon had never expected it to happen in this way: once off-stage, and now on.

the post show simmer-down had commenced a good half hour ago, and the adrenaline continues to hum through her veins, chest puffed out in girlish pride. suwon’d made sure to remain collected in front of the girls, beaming bright as they’d all gathered for a group hug, but it’s in private that she allows herself to really indulge.

upon entering the hallway, there’s relief in finding the air conditioner on full blast and a stocked vending machine. the choice refreshment would have been a cold glass of beer straight from the tap, but that won’t be until later, so she settles in the meantime.

the machine must’ve sensed her elated mood, because instead of one can of chilsung cider, a second drops into the dispenser. luck found in small, small places. it’s been especially generous today.

kneeling down to pick up both of the drinks, suwon doesn’t notice there’s someone standing behind her until she stands, then turns. his name doesn’t come to her immediately, but when it does, it’s something akin to a light bulb that flashes on.

she just makes sure that it doesn’t show. not at first, anyway.

“oh hi!” cue friendly smile, the small tilt of her head for a greeting. she gestures to her left with an occupied hand. “it spat me out an extra.” said hand holds out the can. “would you like one?”

[dahyun]

Visit Original Link

[dazzlingkai]

[idsuwon]

replica

@idjihyun

it’s not impulse that drives her, but the sheer momentum of the past few hours, dotted with split-second spells of nostalgia. what was supposed to be an errand day ended up stringing suwon along memory lane: to the right of a now-foreclosed jjimjilbang in the late morning, walking near her old campus by the afternoon, only to end with shelling out money for steamed buns she hasn’t had in months. déjà vu, but not. personal, but far from it. paradoxes that don’t feel like her own.

what things are, and what they aren’t. a rather vague topic that’d surfaced during some variety show she’d guested on. talking street, was it? another memory, right on the spot. 

suwon knows what this isn’t: melancholy, grieving. been there, done that; a total understatement in that regard.

the other half of the picture renders a blank space. part wistful, part longing, part neither of those things at all. 

what she does know is that a certain someone would probably get it, and get it well. putting words to people and places, it’s one hell of a talent. 

this part of the city might’ve slowed down by this time of night, but the rest of seoul continues to speed on. the paper bag in her hands is still warm to the touch, which she holds to her side as she dials jihyun’s number.

“hey, ms. popular,” a muffled laugh follows from suwon’s end. it’s a different moniker to start every one of their conversations, all done purely with affection. 

there’s a puddle that she steps over with ease. “hope i didn’t interrupt your beauty sleep.”

[idsuwon]

holler

[idsuwon]

idjiyeon:

it’s second nature by now, isn’t it?

nothing has ever sounded more true to jiyeon. sometimes she doesn’t know if this was something she was born with or it was forced upon her on training. was it something jiyeon would apply to something else in her life or was it put in her mind, like she was a well programmed robot? the negative evaluations, the long nights spent dancing until her muscles trembled, the sacrifices she made to debut with nightmare. would she still do it on her own or is everything a part of conditioning her to be like that?

whatever the answer is, jiyeon is happy suwon is there for her – and a part of her, a despicable part of her, wishes suwon would be her real older sister, thinks suwon is always there for her, and where is her sister right now? – she is happy suwon understands. being friends with the other nightmare members, having a small family is the reason jiyeon keeps doing it; sometimes, when the idol life threatens to suffocate her with schedules and uncertainties jiyeon looks at the other girls and she feels better. they are in this thing together.

we’ve got our parts to play, too, it’s what suwon said and jiyeon believes her.

“a regular stage, fine.” her voice sounds less tense, jiyeon feels her muscles ease the tension a bit. just push a bit further, it’s what she used to tell herself when she was a trainee, push a bit more and the rewards will be bigger. “i can do this, i think.”

she knows.

moments pass in which jiyeon doesn’t speak, she is too overwhelmed and doesn’t want to cry right there in public. what a scene that would be, yoon jiyeon, who is always hard on others, crying in the middle of her meal. not today. when jiyeon looks at suwon again she smiles.

“i don’t know what i would do without you, unnie.” and she means every single word. “thank you for supporting me. this sounds like some bullshit i would say on broadcast, but i really appreciate you.” jiyeon drinks her water and allows herself to enjoy the breeze, the short moment of freedom.

okay, now this is what she wants to see. yoon jiyeon with her head held high, iron resolve, determined. resiliency is a trait she’d recognized well into their relationship, something that’d also propelled her to keep going. the pull on her compass. up from the highs. down to the lows. the plateaus where the only ever seemed to move in one direction. if one thing’s for sure, the girl does not give herself enough credit for the things she’s done for her. for them.

“are you getting all mushy on me?” her smile broadens, and it’s that signature cheshire cat mischief painted all over. the fact that jiyeon’s got a heart of gold somewhere is nothing new, but it’s not everyday that she wears it on her sleeve. “because i’m feeling really loved right now.” because it’s the same for me, too. “we got your back, jiyeon. have some faith.”

warm sunlight continues to wash over, slow like a low tide. she exhales. lapsing into the silence, suwon too can center herself. the cafe retains its pleasant, vibrant hum, the air seemingly fuller, vibrant, thicker with the sound of conversation. signs of noon coming in at full peak.

she picks up her phone to look at the screen again. the pictures on the blog stare back. sometime ago suwon pulled up the photos that she’d saved on her laptop, some from years past, many with jiyeon. the other girls. midnight runs to the convenience store, their first busking in hongdae. the embarrassingly candid moments in between, out of focus, but startlingly all the same in their clarity. for the future then: august, or next spring, deep in arashiyama’s bamboo grooves. there’s comfort in thinking, maybe one day. 

but for now: “tell you what.” 

she returns to square one. except this time, it’s not all suwon. sentimentality has its share in the talking. “once the festival’s over and we’re back, we should go out somewhere.” this too has a list of possibilities, but she holds back numbering them. “like really go out. not the two hours we’re sliding in right now. whaddya say?”

[idsuwon]

holler

[idsuwon]

idjiyeon:

if this was someone else jiyeon would be offended with such a response, with her calm behavior. but this is suwon and there is nothing wrong with the way the older replies, this is who she is: calm and collected, soft where jiyeon is sharp, thoughts when jiyeon is all emotion. this is why they are so well matched, because they make for the things the other lacks in more ways than just when it comes to music.

suwon gives her a list of possibilities and jiyeon is not immune to the way she speaks, the whole thing making her smile. she is still tense, her shoulders and arms still feel heavy with nervousness, but jiyeon feels better. slightly better, but it’s a beginning. something to take her mind from all the nervousness she feels.

“but everyone there is more famous than me, if i don’t do well then it can reflex badly on our group.” had jiyeon debuted as a soloist she wouldn’t think too much about it, she is too cynical to care about what anonymous people on the internet think, their opinions are nothing more than background noise for her.

but there are four other girls associated to her.

when she does something jiyeon doesn’t think what will they think of me? she thinks how will this affect nightmare? and maybe that is not the best way to behave, but it’s the only one she knows. 

“i don’t want to be the one responsible for us not getting more opportunities.” she adds. they are so sparse these days, the opportunities they get. jiyeon wonders if the public even remembers they exist, they are probably lost in the sea of groups in the minds of the general public, and they don’t have enough fans to stay relevant.

there she is, doing it again.

“and you didn’t watch me rehearse for this one, how are you so sure i will do well, huh?” she asks, but it’s futile. of all the people she knows suwon is the one who will always believe her, no matter what. it is how they are.

reassurance comes in quiet gestures: the tiny shake of her head, the hand that she places over jiyeon’s, giving it a small squeeze. some days it appears there’s been a role reversal in their dynamics — days where the younger counterparts of their group shoulder more of the burden, the worry lines creased faintly into their expressions. twenty one and already thinking of things that are beyond them. consequence. responsibility. measures and places of capacity that suwon’s just begun to truly conceptualize.

jiyeon’s assessment of the situation is by no means inaccurate. nightmare’s current line-up of activities have been sporadic, each one in effect a bigger hand to play, a calculated game of chance. this time around, it’s an effort that’s double the value, and one that jiyeon would have to hard carry on her own. firsts like that are worth it when there are the results to much. firsts like that can also make for an awful slippery slope to work with.

but that’s not what suwon’s here to tell her.

“you won’t be held responsible.” each syllable is evenly put, a division of equal parts to a whole. any pressure being placed anywhere should amount to the weight of their own person. “we’ve got our parts to play, too.”

“besides,” here, her words take on a mischievous lilt, “they’ve spent too much money on us as it is to pull the plug now.” and it’s not entirely wishful thinking. investment makes up half of the outcomes of success, lady luck for the other. the latter just hasn’t been on their side thus far, but hasn’t been quite against them either. the pace is frustratingly stagnant in the eyes of some. from suwon’s point of view, she’s merely biding her time. 

with one truth all said and done comes another:  “and i don’t need to see you rehearse to know.” it’s a bold statement, but she’s compelled to mean every letter. “you give it your all every time that we practice. it’s second nature by now, isn’t it?” second nature tilled by the blood, sweat, and tears they’ve all shed. bound together by none other but sacrifice. god, what a sobering thought.

suwon pulls away, folding her hands back into her lap. “just think of it as another mubank stage or something. same crowd, same crew, same focus. it probably won’t feel all that different once you’re actually up there.”

[idsuwon]

holler

[idsuwon]

idjiyeon:

there is nothing else she can do but wait, jiyeon knows. they trained and trained and trained a bit more, until their muscles were trembling and on the verge of losing their voices. she knows the lyrics and the choreography – that was the easiest part, it’s not as near as demanding as the routines she does with nightmare, they have honey members there, after all – but jiyeon can’t shake the feeling that something will happen and she will be the responsible for it.

it makes no sense, the rational part of her brain knows it. they have a solid formation now, they are more at ease with each other, it’s almost like an actual group. key word: almost. in their core they are still five girls who were pushed together to do something one time and be done with it. and here come the doubts: why her? why not any of the other members? jiyeon is nothing but a sub vocal and a lead dancer, she is not an expert on anything. this special stage would benefit from any other nightmare member.

so there she is, sitting in front of suwon with her plate untouched and her mind on something else. her unnie’s voice brings jiyeon to reality and she blinks twice, remembering where she is. this is supposed to be a moment of rest before they perform, relax under the shadow and feel the breeze. the smell of sea is supposed to put her mind at relax, but all jiyeon wants to do is to run away – it’s sort of an habit right now.

“yeah?” she asks, not sure of what suwon was talking about, but she can’t even pretend she knows what’s happening. “sorry, i got distracted.” if it was someone else jiyeon would stop here, but this is suwon and there is no one else she trusts more than the older member. somehow she became an older sister to jiyeon, one to who jiyeon can tell all her secrets and not be judged, so she does that.

“it’s the special stage.” she confesses, reaching for glass and taking a sip of whatever beverage suwon ordered, she didn’t pay attention. “i shouldn’t be the one there, it should be you, or maya, or chaerin, i can’t do this.” jiyeon panics. “what if i mess up? what if everyone hates me when i’m there with people who are way more popular than me? i can drag our group down, i can’t do this.” not that she can give up, but it’s good to say it anyway.

in the world of idols, time bears a heavier weight. three years and counting in each other's presence feel like a solid ten, providing countless hours to observe and absorb old habits. the devil's in the details, and at this moment it's the anxiety that continues to twist jiyeon into knots.

all that time has also made suwon inclined to help her untie them.

she watches her down some of the fruity concoction. remembers then that that's definitely not a sparkling peach mocktail, and wordlessly switches it out for water with ice. simmering down always makes for a good start. punch drunk calamity, however, is better saved for a night out in itaewon rather than here in broad daylight.

for what seems like the umpteenth time, the mention of her upcoming special performance has suwon grinning wide, the anticipation impossible to contain. fierce concepts have always fit jiyeon like hand to a sleek leather glove; her stage presence is a force to be reckoned with. now take a powerhouse girl and multiply her by five? it's enough to set the sky ablaze.

her response then:

"so...that's it?"

it's a simple question, but so off-hand. nonchalant. but also only step one of mission: bring jiyeon back to her senses. long days and nights of sharing the same practice room has suwon in full confidence that 1) she'll be fine, and 2) she'll do more than fine.

"i mean like, that's all you're worried about? there could be other things." she ticks each one off by the crease of her fingers.

step two: turn the tide.

"people could lose their voices from screaming too loud, maybe pass out, or...catch on fire?" with her tone, it sounds more as though she's reading off a list of groceries than all of the ridiculous possibilities. a case of nerves, suwon has come to learn, works like a double-edged sword: a little goes a long way for an energy boost. but a little too much can end in catastrophe. it's simply a matter of tapping into the right groove.

"you can't say anything for sure, you know." casually tilting what's left of her mojito to her lips, suwon drains the glass to the last drop. "personally, i'd be more worried about how crazy the audience is gonna get upon seeing you."

[idsuwon]

24.10.2016 blood orange? she’s so pretentious.

[idsuwon]

holler

@idjiyeon

there's something she likes to call “the nightmare advantage,” and it means this: a table right out on the patio instead of a corner booth inside, and a gaze that doesn't need to be averted at every possible patron that strolls past. in other places, it'd look a little more true to their aesthetic—no one in their right minds would freely approach a group that seemed to step out of the pages of demon girl weekly—but the jeju heat keeps them in check. instead of tight leather, it's a floppy sun hat and a maxi dress the color of sea moss. freedom comes at a price, and here it's at the expense of being a household name. so consider the flip side: popularity at the cost of freedom. she can think of a couple names off the top of her head who had to pay that in full. 

how much of a loss is it really?

absently, suwon gives the glass a swirl in one hand, scrolls through a travel blog with the other. practice makes perfect, but today calls for better places to be other than the studio. somewhere with some shade, some company, a mojito or two, maybe. by some luck, she'd managed to snag all three.

"mm, look at this." putting down her drink, she zeroes in on an entry. with summer coming up fast, there's plans to be made for a getaway. the article notes kyoto to be a place worthy of a visit, with its forest-green tranquility. "we should go here." by we she means their quintet. god knows they need it.

but one glance at jiyeon tells her that vacation is perhaps the last thing on the girl's mind. they'd ordered the chef's special a little over an hour ago, but jiyeon's plate remains untouched. in fact, she hasn't seemed to move a single muscle since they'd sat down.

"jiyeon?" no response.

she waves a hand in front her eyes. times like these are nothing new—times where jiyeon's stone-faced facade goes beyond, well, face value, and becomes as still as a statue. signs that can go either way in terms of interpretation: she's thinking, or she's thinking way too hard.

"earth to miss sora yoon jiyeon."

[idsuwon]

heyheyhey thanks for the welcomes! i’ll do my best to keep everything short: i’m dan, this is suwon, and all other details that u will possibly need are under the cut. pls plot with me!

here’s her app just in case btw but anywho

been singing since she was 5

parents never found a reason to discourage her so suwon just kept going at it until she was working towards a degree in vocal performance

graduated from university and had been preparing for her musical theater debut when her beloved voice teacher passed away

hit a slump and then had to call it quits, took a year to slowly come to terms with the death

got randomly spotted by an mm agent; coincidentally enough, just around the time she wanted to have a fresh start

auditioned, got in, trained for about 10-11 months because her dancing sucked ass before being slotted for nightmare

had a bit of a culture shock upon officially dipping into the idol scene but by now she’s more or less well adjusted. the cynicism bug hasn’t bit her yet

a real vampy lookin’ bitch since time immemorial so it’s safe to say she owns the group’s concept like a real motherfucker (as far as appearances go) 

just trying to be optimistic? free? she’s done with being sad and pessimistic okay so if ur not down for that kinda vibe gtfooo please and thank you we’re planning to stay chill 

if she doesn’t like you (which that in itself is rare, indifference is more like it) she probably is just gonna pretend you don’t exist simply because engaging in tomfoolery is just too much work 

and if there’s bad blood then at that point ya’ll have probably stopped talking all together anyway lmao so 👋

but otherwise frank with what she wants and doesn’t want!

rarely gets angry and/or has violent outbursts, but her ability to stay eerily calm does its job when it comes to intimidation 

a social drinker at best, and only ever with close friends

knits, plays pc games, and does hot yoga to de-stress in her free time

would probably die for beyoncé and stevie nicks in this life and the next and the next after that

some plots these are pretty malleable, just lmk how you’d like to adjust them! i’m also more than happy to brainstorm if that’s your style. suwon’s pretty flexible so we’re down for really anything...hmu

nightmare girls...come to me

friends to share cocktails and gossip with

fellow company colleagues

fellow former trainees 

fellow former classmates from high school and/or university

the bad cop to her good cop

you guys hooked up once and maybe it could’ve been more except it wasn’t all that deep on her part so as sza likes to put it: ♪ why you bother me when you know you don’t want me youuu dumb piece of shit ♪

“so you’ve gone to college? had a normal life for the first twenty years of your life? what the fuck fam lmao” 

someone who’s surprised or just plain unimpressed that she debuted so late

you’re both stuck having to deal with some creepy older male idol on a variety show and it’s the absolute worst

two friends just fucking around on the internet out of boredom only to end up finding a very explicit fanfic starring both of you as the pairing and it’s either extremely awkward or ridiculously funny

[thislongingforyou]

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[leaderirene]