Lou

i want to be lovestruck but no one will love-strike me

[if-only-i-try]

Face down

Arms back

Dirty bitch

Nice rack

Is this the way it’s meant to be?

Rough hands

No break

Youth gone

A mistake

When screams are muffled

Hair is pulled

Sheets are ruffled

And I am full

Then the red light makes you stop

I am road

Concrete solid

Sold to feet unappreciative

My face is mute

My heart is cold

But the space between my legs is yours

Callous and incomplete

Ramming bending pinching

Expensive piece of meat

[if-only-i-try]

Rough and tumble

Dirty talk

Reckless victim

Writers block

To feel you is one thing that now

I’ve felt it but have not somehow

Skinny arms

Long legs

Gentle hands

Strong face

Lips are puffy

Red with wear

Mouths are tangled

Strands of hair

My messy makeup

Stains my cheeks

Smudged lipstick

Mascara streaks

Fiery gets hotter

Warm to the touch

Broken down to simple terms

Yet it means so much

My last attempt at growing up

Has made my heart beat lower

Everything about you burns

It hasn’t beat any slower

Touch me where you think it’s good

Tell me where I need it

Laid out treat, sugar water

Lick it, touch it, eat it

[if-only-i-try]

Blade bent bleeding thin

A mosaic, my skin

Shards of glass pressed in

So hard the welts begin to open

And my life blood starts to leak

It’s not red, it’s rosy pink

Nails dug in so deep

Nonsensical injury

The flush of blood before it drains

When you did what you did

After I gave you everything

With nothing asked back

Insides twisting

I’m vomiting up

Everything you did for me

Half assed returns of affection

I am on your table

Instead of healing me you’ve cut me open

Who was at your beck and call

And that wasn’t enough

You wanted mixed blood

And my heart in your hands

And you almost had it

Not the only one I loved

And you had to be

Sliced stomach

Love laceration

I gave you everything

Cracked feet and cracked lips

I gave you my shoes so you didn’t have to walk the hot coals

And my feet were charred

You were smiling

With soft lips and long hair

Someone kept you smiling

But I couldn’t anymore

The knife you wrenched in my gut

Told me what I needed to know

Even though you make me bleed

I wasn’t ready to go

So I spat blood into your hands

And you drank every last drop

And slammed your fist into my brain

So you could stay on top

[if-only-i-try]

Always tied together

No matter how many miles

Our friendship lasts forever

Every laugh, every cry, every smile

From when we were just little

Jumping on the trampoline

Our friendship has been riddled

With blue skies and sunbeams

As long as I remember

You’ve been right by my side

And Every cold December

I’ve watched you grow with pride

You light up every room

You brighten any day

You take away my gloom

And warm me up, twin flame

I’m so lucky to have you

In my life and in my blood

And you’ll always have me, too

You’re the flower, I’m the bud.

We will grow together

Apart and back again

My love sustains through any weather

You’ll always be my best friend.

[yars]

[supersexyawesomeness]

[if-only-i-try]

My dirty shoes brush on concrete,

Grinding down with wear

Never cleaned, never fixed

And still, I walk the same pair

They were meant to be white when I bought them

And they were, I suppose for a while

But they weren’t meant to stay clean that long,

Just to walk some miles

And walk I did, without a glance,

To my now greying shoes

We kicked the dirt and slipped in the grass,

We didn’t have a clue

And to us it didn’t matter

If they were gray or white

They were speckled in happy things,

Who cares for canvas too bright?

So I will walk another day

In my shoes now worn

And although they have grown to gray

They once were clean, white born.

[if-only-i-try]

You haven’t put a finger on me

You haven’t held my hand

We can’t have a life together,

Not the way we planned.

I can feel your gangly body

Your strong arms and long hands

And when I ask what went wrong

I just can’t understand

How two people can see each other

In such a pretty light

How two people can work so hard

Can try all they might

I guess I’ll never truly know

How to win that fight

I guess that some bad things in life

Are the things shining so bright

I wish that I could see you here

Standing next to me

But you haven’t even held my hand

You haven’t set me free.

[if-only-i-try]

But you know the killer doesn’t understand

[fayriequeene]

It's almost Spring.. 🌿🌼

although i've just seen snow is in the weather forecast

[if-only-i-try]

Remember when I said I love all of you? This is part of that, so you don’t have to be sorry.

[gayhoediaz]

not “oh my god it’s just a tv show” as in you are not allowed to find genuine joy and form a true connection to fiction, but “oh my god it’s just a tv show” as in, if it legitimately stresses you out and impacts your mood when things don’t happen exactly the way you want them to, and it causes you to lash out at other - real - people, maybe you need to take a massive step back.

[jordanbolton]

To The Person In The Newspaper - Jordan Bolton

[if-only-i-try]

Marjorie | Newt - The Maze Runner

pairing: Newt (TMR) x gn!reader

No y/n mention.

warnings: Pure angst, character death, canon events happening unfortunately, hallucinations, ptsd, panic attack.

thought of this while I listened to marjorie so here you all are

word count: 1283

listen while you read if you like being sad.

They were late coming back. If they didn’t come back soon, someone was going to have to go looking after them.

Part of me wanted to go. I knew they would never allow it. A girl out looking for a crank? About as likely as it was for me to come up to the glade in the first place, but here we were. 

“Minho, please. You’ll need another pair of hands, especially if one of them is hurt. I was a medic in the glade, I can help here, I-”

“No.” 

“This is fucking ridiculous, Newt and Thomas are out there who knows where, Newt half dead with the flare, and you’re not allowing me to help? I'm immune, I can help here.” 

“No, you’re being ridiculous. I'm not letting you out just because of your.. thing.. Or whatever it is with Newt. You have to let go” 

“Whatever, Minho.” 

11:36 PM

“Shut up! Just Shut up! I trusted you! Now do it!” 

“I can’t.”

“Do it!”

The sound of their voices jolted me up immediately. Fuck what Minho said. I ran as fast as I could muster, faster than Minho could get to me, and slammed the door open. In the distance, there they were. 

“Kill me or I’ll kill you! Kill me! Do it!”

“Newt?” I said meekly. He turned to me and for a second, he was Newt. Really Newt. For a second, there he was. And then his face transformed into something else. Someone else. His veins popped black and he was gone. I couldn’t breathe. 

“Newt! Newt, can you hear me? Look at me, Newt! Fuck!” He was still gone. Thomas was sobbing, I could see his whole body shake as I came closer to the two boys. 

“KILL ME!”

The sound of his pleas stopped me in my tracks. I knew. I knew I had to let it happen. Thomas had shown me the note. I knew Newt had to die. It was what he wanted. I had to let it happen.

“Please, Tommy. Please.”

A gunshot. 

Then silence

And then screaming. Someone was screaming very, very loud. Someone was bursting my eardrums. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn't see anything. How did I just let him die? How did I- How could I- 

“Hey! Hey! You’ll draw them in! Stop! Look at me. Stop screaming!” 

I hadn’t felt myself open my mouth to scream. All of a sudden, I felt my throat turn to gravel and ran. I ran as fast as I could, and I fell over his body. I clutched him, hard. It was the last time I’d get to. I kissed him in all of my favorite spots. I kissed his knuckles. And I kissed his nose, his cheeks, his eyelashes. When I kissed his lips, there was a black sludge left on mine. It tasted like death. I held him tighter than I knew was possible. I softly lifted his eyelids to look into his eyes one more time. They were the one part of him that was still his. He was still in there somewhere, but he was too deep for us to reach him.

I never washed my clothes from that day. He’s still on them. 

4 years later 

“Never be so kind, you forget to be clever”

“Sure, Minho, I’ll- yeah. No, I didn't end up going. I know I should've, Minho, but it’s not going anywhere. No. It's just too much for me today. Yes, I- okay. Sure. yeah. Yeah. Okay, Alright, see you soon. Okay, love you. Bye.”  

“Never be so clever, you forget to be kind.”

I’m so fucking excited to get out of here. 

The drive wasn’t like I planned. First, I took all of the wrong turns an idiot could expect to make. Then I got pulled over. Yeah. My first time getting pulled over. In the officer’s defense, I actually didn't have my seatbelt on. I tended to leave it off, I didn't really mind the risk. Finally, I was sick. Quite sick, actually.  Thomas had given me strep.

And so I drove along miserably, coughing and hacking and listening to the shitty songs on the radio because I hadn't bothered to download anything. 

In a particularly bad coughing fit, I had to pull over and grab tissue from my backseat.

“Fuck driving, fuck this, fuck this fucking road trip.” I coughed into the tissue and almost discarded it before I saw what was all over it. The black. I saw the black again. It was clear as day, I swear it was, it was right there. My eyes filled with tears and I was back there again. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn't see, and this time, I had nothing to clutch onto. I swung my car door open on the lonely highway and toppled out, coughing and clutching my chest. I tried to remember what the therapist had taught me. In 4, out 4. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t do anything. I was dead for a minute there.

“And if i didn’t know better, I’d think you were

Talking to me now”

When I woke up, there on the highway, I could breathe again. I brushed the dirt off my pants and got back in the car. I stared at the tissue. It was clean. My head was pounding. I swerved so hard into a U turn that I thought I might be dead again. Not that it would truly matter. I should have gone to see him. Minho was right. 

“If i didn’t know better, I’d think you were still around.”

It took me 2 hours to get back there. It took me no time at all to find him. I sat on the padded grass by the headstone and I stroked it lightly, like I sometimes had done to his hair when he was alive. 

“I’m sorry I didn't bring you flowers or anything, you shank. 

I miss you. A lot. I’m sorry I don’t visit anymore.”

I pulled my wallet out and untucked the little piece of 4-year-old paper 

‘KILL ME. IF YOU WERE EVER MY FRIEND, KILL ME.’

“What died didn’t stay dead.”

The paper was tattered and almost ripping where it had been folded and unfolded over and over again. It was the last thing he’d written. The last of his loopy, pretty (but remarkably poor) handwriting. 

I started to cry again. 

“What died didn’t stay dead”

“It feels like you’re still here, Newt. You should be. It should have been me. … Sometimes I think about us like that prehistoric couple that got fossilized holding each other, and I wonder what would happen if I could crawl into that grave with you. It’s all I want, really. I miss having you here. No one knows how to listen like you did. I don’t want to try and replace you, I just want you. I miss the way you smelled. No one else smells like that. I would give anything to smell you one more time. Or to hold your hand. Mine were always clammy, and yours were always cold. You didn’t mind, and I didn’t either. I still wouldn’t mind.” 

“You’re alive, you’re alive in my head.”

I went over to the maple tree by the entrance and plucked off some leaves. They weren’t flowers, but they also weren’t nothing. I laid them on his headstone, and then I laid myself on top of them. I breathed better than I ever had then. But I still had somewhere to be. 

“I love you, Newt. Goodbye. For real this time.” 

“I know better

But I still feel you all around.

I know better. 

But you’re still around.”

[happyheidi]

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ ﾟ. 2024 will bring blessings.

ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

[if-only-i-try]

The river flows through you

And down onto my cold feet

And I feel like I’m frozen but I’m still moving away from you

My body is walking but my soul is in your smile

And you ruffle me up like you ruffle your hair

So I thaw

And I’m melted In a puddle for you

If I had a jacket, I would cover myself in it

And let you walk across me

[if-only-i-try]

We were once young

Then we didn’t know each other

Or anything

Or anyone

Because we knew kindness, and sun, and 8:30 bedtimes

We knew running, and jumping, and playing

Now we know each other

And we may not know each other tomorrow but I will always know your faces

And your touches

And your smiles

But before

We knew we didn’t fit

Now we fit

We grew

Right into each other

We found each other somehow

And the three of us will relearn it all together

And apart

[if-only-i-try]

Last February, on the day you were born, I smelled lemons and lavender

I woke up in the light to the news you were coming

And flowers blossomed when you arrived

When dad cut down our lilac trees

I wasn’t sad

I knew they’d be back and grow with you

And he trimmed them so that he could watch you closer

So they’ll be back. They’ll sprout a first bud when you say your first word

But they won’t grow too fast

Because beauty knows when to bow for you

And when to gently touch you

When you giggle flowers bloom

In everyone around you

And my love grows with every passing second

I’m so glad we found you.