You ever have so many thoughts in your head you just can’t even sort them out to make them coherent? Well that’s where I’m at right now, so this will likely make no sense. And there certainly won’t be any clear transitions from one thing to the next.
Been having a down period this week. Not entirely sure why, exactly, but that’s all a part of having a depression/anxiety disorder. It is likely a combination of a lot of things. Whatever it is, it’s taking its toll on me. I haven’t really slept in a couple weeks, at least not on a healthy schedule. I have epilepsy, so sleep is a hugely important thing, and because of my recent issues I’ve had more seizure problems than I have normally. My head is pretty fuzzy right now, and I haven’t been feeling so great. If you’re curious, I have simple partial seizures, (potentially complex partials, as well.) It’s an interesting subject, so if you’re curious I recommend looking it up. (Seizures and epilepsy, that is.) Epilepsy.com is a good site to start with; very simple to follow. I always tell people when they ask me about it that you are always aware the brain is the command center of your entire body, but you never actually think about it until something goes wrong.
Anyway, an increase in seizure activity is so frustrating. When I started having this problem I was just out of high school and was having up to 20 every fucking day. I really haven’t had it easy thus far in adulthood. And do not take that as an excuse or complaint, it’s a simple fact. That has been my struggle, and I have every right to be pissed about it. When I’ve mentioned this to people before they have told me to quit whining, or complaining etc. All I have to say to those folks is “Fuck you.” No one has any business telling you your feelings aren’t justified, or you shouldn’t have them. I’m glad I’m at the point in life where I’m comfortable saying that. Feelings are real, whether you understand them or not; whether you agree or not. So shut your god damn judgmental mouth.
The increase in my seizures is only contributing to my current state of depression and anxiety, which is shitty because it is also caused by my current state of depression and anxiety.
A lot of my problems are attributed to simply genetic bad luck; just a chemical imbalance in my brain that I cannot control. So far no amount of medication or therapy has been able to wrangle that in. (Note: I have never contemplated suicide, and I never will. That is not an option I ever desire, so if that has crossed your mind, please allow it to exit.) So I do come by it honestly. I have a prescription for Xanax that I keep handy, but most of the time I try to ride it out. Controlled substances are not something to mess with, and certainly not something I want to use as a crutch. I basically only take them when I can feel the anxiety throughout my entire body; or when it is effecting my breathing, (hyperventilation.) Occasionally I’ll take one to help me relax at night to sleep.
The last really big anxiety attack I had was October 2014. I was at work and started breaking down, shaking, hyperventilating, crying. Just losing my shit. One of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life shot himself in the head just a few days prior, and it all became real to me at that moment. Travis was the person I trusted most in this world. More than any other friend I have ever had in my life. I have a lot of really good friends I do confide in, but he was the one I knew 100% I could tell anything to, and it would never leave him. He literally took everything to the grave. And I miss him every day.
I think this might be a part of my issue right now. Last night I had a dream with him in it. I don’t remember what it was about, I just know I saw him and he was silent. It’s like he just came to say hello. I haven’t felt right since. On one hand seeing him is beautiful, and special. But on the other hand it is heart wrenching. I woke up with tears in my eyes. I didn’t even know one could cry in their sleep. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a worst pain, mentally, physically or emotionally, than I did the day I lost him. Suicide is the worst. I’ve lost a lot of people I loved so dearly in my life, but this pain was, and still is, nearly unbearable. The day I broke down at work my boss sent me home for a week, and my parents had to come get me and take me straight to the doctor. I was out of medication and needed it STAT. I don’t think a day will ever come where the thought of Travis won’t make my eyes tear up. It has gotten easier to get through each day, but the agony of the loss will never go away.
I’m a single woman; have been for a little over a year. I really haven’t been single since I was 20 years old. I was with my first ext from age 20-23, (that was a fucking nightmare.) And then met my last ex soon after. He swept me off my feet, for sure. We didn’t work out, but he was what I needed at that time. We were together for about 5 years. There aren’t any bad vibes between us at all, we just grew apart and weren’t in love anymore. And that is fine.
For the most part I’m pretty happy being single. It’s kind of a new experience for me, and I’m finding it pretty nice to be able to make decisions where I don’t have to worry about anyone but myself. There is no “us” to be worried about. It is a really liberating feeling. That said, it does still get lonely sometimes, especially when my mood is like this. I don’t know what it is about the night, but it is really the hardest thing to get through when you have a depression/anxiety problem and there is just something so soothing about having someone who cares about you unconditionally by your side, not really saying anything, just silently supporting you. I do miss that part of being in a relationship. The affection is beautiful.
Normally I would probably write all of this in my own private journal, but I simply had too many thoughts to share and typing is far easier. I know I probably have more to say but right now I don’t know how to verbalize it. So I guess this is where I stop.
vaporwave
turnnoffyourmind
titsay
jacobvanloon
germansingergirl
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gummygunk
