Trauma Response
I have been absent from tumblr for quite a while. In addition this will not be about Music Therapy. Well, not exactly. There will be a mention, but it’s not the focus. Today I write, because I need to get it out where it can be seen, I need to write to truly process. I apologize to those of you who don’t want to read any more opinions and reactions to the election in the U.S. You don’t have to continue, I won’t be offended. But for those like me who still need to see those who are responding the same way they are... with shock, fear, anger, despair, shame, and determination, just as I was with her, I’m with you.
After a few hours of sleep after finally pulling myself away from the train wreck and gawker response I had been stuck in watching the results come in, I opened the news, hoping that in some miracle things had changed and there was still good in the world. After reading the results, not just for president, but also seeing the republican majority in the senate, and house, I had several reactions. The first was immobility. I couldn’t move for a second, as my brain and my body tried to reconcile the previous day’s elation and pride with this horrible sinking despair settling over me. Then obligation drove me forward as I realized that I couldn’t just hide in my bed and pretend this wasn’t happening. I have a job, and today my resident choir would perform their first concert, and I had to be there with my co-director to lead and support them. Followed immediately by the horrible realization that our closing song was God Bless America. I found myself sadly wondering if God was in America today, and I cried, and then I vowed to think of that closing song as a prayer that perhaps God would bring good out of what I see as a triumph for evil and hatred. As I checked my emotions, and tried to do the therapist thing and analyze what I was feeling and put words to it, I was curious and surprised to realize that what I was feeling was very much a textbook trauma response. It was like my body was gearing up it’s fight or flight response but there was no immediate physical threat, and no way to either fight or employ flight at this moment. Doing the obviously emotionally healthy (j/k) thing I shoved it all down and settled with neutral, numb, and shock instead. Driving to work the world just felt off. As I drove to work I started thinking about all the people who had a bigger reason to be living a fear/trauma response right now. My transgender friends, my gay friends, my female friends who’ve had to choose, my disabled friends, my friends of color, my immigrant friends, my friends with children, my friends who are survivors of rape/assault. There were many moments today where I thought to myself... I am lucky because I am a straight, white person, followed immediately by an acknowledgement of how sad and truly fucked up it is that this is the reality I live in.
As a woman, I wanted to see our first woman president. Especially one with the experience and qualifications of Hillary Rodham. I don’t agree with every decision she’s ever made... but when in politics does anyone. She has shown patience and poise in this horrible election process in the face of sociopathic bullying and countless examples of disrespect and misogyny. But even more than wanting to follow up our historic first black president, with a historic first female president, I wanted to believe in a better america. Throughout this election, with all of the hate being spouted, and the bullying, and the bragging about sexual assault and the attacks on people of all different cultural backgrounds, I have been holding onto a belief that ultimately the majority of America is good, kind, tolerant. Today I woke up to find myself living in a country that has voted for misogyny, voted for racism, voted for bigotry, voted for intolerance, voted for xenophobia, voted for homophobia, voted for ableism. I wanted to believe that the country I lived in, that the country I was proud to be a part of was not so hate-filled. I wanted to believe that my country respected me as a woman, Respected humans as equal, and still believed in freedom of religion, or freedom at all for that matter. As I put on my game face this morning and got my choir together, and swelled with pride as they confidently sang the songs we’ve worked on for months, and looked at their families and friends who were there supporting them, I wanted to believe in a good world. When we got to God Bless America, I choked down the knot in my throat, and looked up at our audience, and I saw the division. The expressions and the sentiment being expressed and they sang along with God Bless America, made known who was feeling like I was and desperately praying for intervention, and who was singing with pride. I am terrified of what our country is, and what direction we have the potential to go right now.
In Jug Band, the residents and I sang our favorite armed forces songs in honor of Veterans day this Friday. Someone requested This Land Is Your Land, and we did all 6 verses. Because today of all days, we needed those startling last 3, and to continue to remind ourselves that this land was made for all of us. This led to a few other historically protest oriented or anti-war songs: Blowing in the Wind, where have all the flowers gone, we closed with Turn, Turn, Turn. I felt a little better after that group. I channeled what I was feeling into the expressiveness of those songs, while facilitating a group that was beneficial for the residents who were also shocked by the results, and saddened. Leonard Bernstein said, “This will be our reply to violence: to make music more intensely, more beautifully, more devotedly than ever before.” This will be my response to hatred. This will be my response to fear.
I serve on an international board and for months my cohorts on that board have asked the US members what’s going on here right now. Even they expressed fear of what a trump presidency would mean for the world. I was naive. I believed there was more good, more love here, than hate. I underestimated the power of the divisiveness. I watched the Concession speech Hillary gave. I listened to her say she still believe in America. I listened to her say she was still proud to be an American. While I am sure that over time the pain and despair and fear will subside, at this moment I can’t say that I agree. At this moment I am ashamed to be an American. I am ashamed to be a white American. I watched Samantha Bee tonight say if each Muslim needs to bear the mistakes of all of their people, then so do we. We can’t hide and say not all white people. Unfortunately as a white, female american, This is my circus, and these are my monkeys. We are all guilty of creating this division, and allowing it to get this far.
What do we do now America? The hate is already happening. A school in MN had graffiti spray painted on it. Derogatory terms for black students proclaimed in the name of trump. Children are losing their innocence. People of color are being harassed, followed, threatened in the name of our new President-elect. Our historic Black President will tomorrow begin training our President elect who is endorsed by the KKK. Half our country is afraid to walk out their door into this environment we are creating. I pray we will be able to heal and we won’t just self-destruct. Here is what I can say, when they go low, we go high. Like a phoenix, we will rise from these ashes. Hillary won the popular vote - that is only relevant if the people who voted are willing to stand behind their vote. Now is when we mobilize, strategize, and go to work instigating change. I will fight for social justices. I will defend those who will bear the brunt of this hatred. I will not be silenced due to fear. I will be a safe space. I’m with you.
