Man I Love Anthrax

He/It || Anthrax is a chemical that is usually used in domestic terrorism.

[ifuckingloveclowns]

I had no idea that I started a Blogger account like years ago. It's been weird to document the development of my own life all over the internet. Whether it's all over discord DMs and servers or in tiny corners like fucking Blogger.

Small conversations I've had with people over PenPal. Reddit questions that usually go unanswered for like a week. It's weird being everywhere.

When I die, I'll have been all over the internet, but nobody will know my name.

Is that miserable? I don't know.

I hope I can write this book so I don't have to fear being forgotten so easily. I don't want to be lonely when I'm dead.

[ifuckingloveclowns]

Gonna start reading the graphic novel version of the book Speak now that I've finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I do adore the idea of writing to a stranger and saying anything and everything to them. I feel like I'd start wanting them to reply eventually, though I doubt they'd have anything I want to hear.

I used to go on the pen pal website when I'd get too bored or lonely, but it doesn't work the way I wished it to. If I wanted to talk to a random person online after browsing their profile, I'd open any common social media app ever.

I wish I could be randomly connected to someone and just yap endlessly, but not in an Omegle way. I like actual letters, or at least paragraphs to share with someone to read endlessly. It's tiring to browse shit like emerald chat and get nothing but people threatening to assault you.

Charlie really is such a good character. I like that he attempts to 'participate' in the way he assumes what participating is, only to be wrong and indirectly corrected by Sam at the end. I think Bill would like Sam's view of Charlie and vice versa.

The book has three websites on the back for sending letters, but only the third link interested me. I wish LettersToStrangers.org was what I expected it to be, but there's so many rules that I can't be explicit or vulnerable, despite the guidelines encouraging vulnerability. I wanna be able to spill words all over in this wall of text to send to someone witness, but I guess it doesn't really matter since I'd never get confirmation on if they read it or not.

Maybe I'm just weird. At least I know that.

[ifuckingloveclowns]

I don't like being in Tampa.

It's the same as being at my house, just in a smaller room with better air conditioning. I could be somewhere else with the people I crave intimacy with, with the people I want to kiss and touch. I could be places that aren't terrible.

I could find myself holding hands throughout the night with a fear of being struck. I could drop a cup without a fear of ringing ears, with apologies and forgiveness and a comforting hold around my waist. But I don't get to be there right now.

[ifuckingloveclowns]

got my fucking wisdom teeth removed and they didn't even let me keep them what's the point

and only the top two

[ifuckingloveclowns]

getting into everskies and made a bluesky acc

it's kinda weird how i want to be even more chronically online than i already am

i think i just want people to know who i am

[myhiddenquerencia]

Eternal Desolation

Feel this fucking pain, scream out your despair, Welcome to my world of nothing but air. Emptiness drains, and I’m fucking trapped, In a universe where joy is cruelly scrapped.

[ifuckingloveclowns]

Started a pen pal account

I wish it could like randomly match me with people that match my customization options and vice versa.

It's weird

I hope I can talk to someone soon, it's nice meeting new people.

[ifuckingloveclowns]

I like toast.

I like toast.

I like the warmth of it and the crunch as I bite down.

I like to pair my toast with different jellies and jams. Maybe even butter or honey.

I like to cling to it with my hands as my teeth sink in.

I like the way it heats up my stomach once I swallow.

I wish you were here to share toast with me. Or even my hand. I don't mind if you bite down.

Please.

[mrpicasso-face-deactivated20250]

When the sun dies,

I'll probably still look for you.

I hate that

Because I know you wouldn't bother doing the same

You wouldn't have then

You wouldn't now

Why would you in the future?

Why did I ever believe you would?

In spite of my best efforts

I can't help but delude myself

Because I gave you a piece of myself

That you've refused to give back.

[ifuckingloveclowns]

I love my OCs so damn much.

I haven't been on Tumblr at all and all I've really posted here are sad writings about mostly my ex-boyfriend being a piece of shit. It's funny that nobody sees this so I can just do whatever I really want to do here.

I'm sad my mom will never really love my properly.

I'll just post whatever I want since it'll like never be seen, especially without hashtags.

[ifuckingloveclowns]

Haven't posted here in a while. I'm a little exhausted. Tumblr is nice tho

[butyoutoldmeiwasfunny]

[queerasfact]

“We stood there and watched and saw the flags, and their faces lit up. It needed no explanation. People knew immediately that it was our flag.”

- US Activist Cleve Jones

It’s 45 years today since the rainbow flag was first flown - on 25 June 1978 at San Francisco Pride - as a symbol of gay pride and the queer community!

[Image: two rainbow flags flying on flagpoles above a group of people out on the street at San Francisco pride. The flags have eight coloured stripes, and one has a blue-and-white star pattern in the top left corner.]

[ifuckingloveclowns]

With open arms as it goes

I took you back, just like I've done before. I can't feel regret despite how you've changed me. You stood there and declared that I was sat upon a throne, deciding your fate with my biased judgements. I never know how to feel with your words resting on my shoulders. "Weren't they the one who made you shed tears?" my mother asks, only worrying now to criticize me. "If they are, perhaps it is something different," I respond with a sharp tone. May the tiled floor envelope me, may I become as cold and jagged as the unpolished slabs of stone I walk upon.

[ifuckingloveclowns]

1

So I've discovered that I can take all of my OCs and mash them into the same timeline. At first I thought, "Man! I can't include Eleos because there's no actual god that exists in this world, just religions supporting a false deity," but then I realized, "Abdiel is real omg." So, yeah. All of my characters can exist in the same timeline. I'm currently working on Vik's only living test subjects: Neon, Scrape, and I haven't named the third one.

I really wish I could draw well enough to draw them.

[ifuckingloveclowns]

You do not have the right

to waltz back into my life as if everything that happened wasn't your fault. Nights of hysterics and screaming and crying, scraping at my walls until my fingers are bare and bleeding. I do not hate you, I could never hate the person I've fallen in love with. I can only hate the things you did to me. I can only hate every single time you've come back with, "I'm sorry," while I sat there, unable to tell if you really were sorry or not. I thought you were dead.

[ifuckingloveclowns]

And sometimes I'll dream about you

and the things you used to say. Before everything went silent, you would listen all night long. I wonder why that happened, I don't think I'll ever know. If I knew, would I understand? I try to understand every single little thing that happens here, but you make it difficult. You make it so hard to understand with the things you did to me, no longer grasping my hands. I almost hate you, but I never actually will. I don't like you. I don't think I can anymore. I can't like someone who gives me only bad dreams.