If Winter Ends

"And I scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere Just get me past this dead and eternal snow 'cause I swear that I'm dying, slowly but it's happening And if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere Just take me there, just take me there, just take me there And say, and lie to me, and say, and lie to me, and say It's going to be alright" This blog might as well be a journal. Please respect that if I allow you to follow me here, I trust you. Do not break that trust. Anyway, thank you for reading all of my fucked up thoughts. Enjoy.

[coral]

[ifvvinterends]

Dating Jordan is going to run me.

It’s 6:30am an despite typically going to bed around 8pm, I am still awake.

All I can think about are drugs and alcohol and sex.

My cunt is numb.

My heart hurts

I’m less tired than before

I need to save myself before his neglect renders me unable to.

[ifvvinterends]

This is officially the worst birthday, a birthday to rival the worst Christmas (but maybe we shouldn’t go there.)

I brought my dearest Jordan to meet my dad. It’s been so miserable that I don’t even want to retell the story. It is evident that even on my birthday, he values my little brother’s guitar more than he values me. It is fairly evident that he takes me for granted and doesn’t think I deserve respect.

I feel really terrible, which isn’t fair because I was really excited for this little trip.

I think this relationship may be over, and that breaks my heart.

[a3sthetica]

I’ve started talking to my ex-fiance again. John. Johnny. For the first time in five years, we’re talking about the possibility of being in one another’s futures. Really ,seriously speaking about the idea of love and that it may never be right, but it’s worth exploring.

I can feel the adrenaline in my veins. I never thought I’d feel what Johnny makes me feel again- like the strongest drug in existence- but it looks like my life may be changing.

[ifvvinterends]

I haven’t posted in a bit, I know. But...I live with this guy, C, and we work together. We fucked once or twice and have a romantic relationship that is platonic most of the time- he is in an open relationship with his boyfriend he plans to soon propose to in Canada.

I just have to say- god, I am sexually frustrated- but I want him. I want him to grow the fuck up and handle things so we can make love and kiss and cuddle again. His boyfriend is fine with everything but he’s so...afraid? And confrontational, I guess. I just...we are so similar and he’s been here for me when I needed it most for months. He’d never hit me or sexually abuse me. I trust him. He’s beautiful inside and out. After a rough week of distance and sleeping on the couch, he admitted he wanted to make love to me all week but is afraid to make a first move. I know I’m talking to myself- but what do I do?

I love him, truly. I don’t know if I’m in love with him necessarily, but I love and care for him as a great friend and I want to make our romantic and sexual relationship healthy again.

Jesus fuck I WANT him. Should I just give up? I’m lonely. So is he. If we use each other to conquer that, is that unhealthy if we are both aware? I don’t know what it is- but this person is in my life for more than just to help me find a place to stay. I can tell he’ll stay around.

[coral]

I have been crying since you left me, and I am afraid… I do not know how to stop.

[ifvvinterends]

Miscarriage

If that’s the case, it’s Joe’s. So there’s that.

[a3sthetica]

I kissed my best friend.

But I don’t regret it. I regret that I don’t remember how it started, and that I don’t know what’s going on now. I know they’ll always be my best friend. I have no regrets- but after being told for so long by other people, I finally get to live this fantasy I’ve repressed. What’s better than being romantic with the best person you know, who is beautiful and makes your life glow?

But.

Last time I let myself get caught up in that or cared like that for a best friend, I lost them. And the time before, and before, and before.

But.

If they is ever give me a chance, I promise myself and then that I will never lose them over that. I want a chance. But- if they- if you- read this, you can pretend I never wrote it. I will always, always, always, love you as the most important person in my life. Romanticism not necessary…but.

I’ve always loved you. What if I’ve always been in love with you? I refuse to state that I am, although he was right, I am. What if you’re everything I ever wanted? What would it be like to be life partners? In my mind, it is such a wonderful and beautiful thing. But, please, please, please…never go. Never take this so seriously that we can’t be best friends. I will always love you as a friend and I am only slightly hopeful for more. But that hope doesn’t need to mean anything.

I love you.

[ifvvinterends]

I think I love you.

I’ve thought about all of the reasons why, and how it could go badly.

But...every day with you, I feel I am getting closer to being my best. I know whether it is domestic or financial, we will both always be able to hold it down. I know you will take me to see sunsets and rivers and oceans and deserts, even amidst my occasional depression. You are so beautiful inside and out, and you have experienced things many others couldn’t handle. You’re different, and although you are scared, you are so strong. You love every living being so much, with such emotion. Sometimes our ideas don’t line up- but we talk about it and learn. We could have a real life together, on a farm, or traveling. Or maybe staying near a prestigious university. Who knows? I do know though...that you have treated me more decently than any other man in my life. I can’t think of one person I respect more other than Taryn. You have given me what the Disney movies have you imagine love should feel. The sex is great, and you are so giving, and loving of our differences. I can’t say it will last forever, but I am oh, so, willing to try.

[ifvvinterends]

Not a month. Yoceph will be gone in 36 hours. Maybe forever. Here comes change. I wasn’t ready. Goodbye love.

[ifvvinterends]

I’m in love with one of my best friends, but I fear the consequences of trying to make it work. In the meantime, I’m falling for someone who is leaving. He got a call from his brother today, the one that owns the solar company. That means there’s a job. So in a month, he’ll be in California or Michigan or Texas... And I will be here, broken- and my best friend will still be here. And I’ll still be terrified. I almost threw away a friendship so that I could be with him, and now I’m afraid being with him could not only complicate and put not just one, but two friendships at risk- as well as my physical and mental health. With both of these people...one question lingers heavily. Can I be with someone more pessimistic than myself? Can I date someone whose beliefs don’t line up with mine, whether it’s about my chosen field (psychology) or about queer rights, or even general politics??? I’m lost. I don’t have anyone to talk about it with- it feels too soon after the mistakes I’ve made, and for my friends it doesn’t involve, i don’t exactly want to tell them in detail about the most stupid and selfish thing I’ve never done. I don’t know.

[ifvvinterends]

CUM KWEEEEN!!!

Thanking the old gods and the new for the end of this nearly two month long dry spell 🙏🏼

[a3sthetica]

Why do I just cry everyday for no reason

It doesn’t always hurt

But it does now

And my cheeks are salty

And…

Who am I?

[ifvvinterends]

I keep having pregnancy dreams.

It’s made me realize how much I truly want a child, and when. It’s also opened my eyes to what I need to do first. But, a few of years from now, as terrified and curious and unsure as I am, I know that not only can I be a great mom, but he’ll be a fucking great father. Better than the one I had.

[a3sthetica]

Recently, I am all love. Sad, sometimes- yes. Angry and fighting, sometimes- yes. But so happy. Every day is an adventure full of love and learning and my cheesy side won’t let this go unwritten. I’m happy in my very un-domestic/unique and yet domestic lifestyle. I love you Max. That’s all.

[ifvvinterends]

I am so in love with this human. I don’t care about norms, or what people have to say, or about my past (anymore.) I’m going to fucking marry him one day. And we’ll have cute ass, completely nuts kids. And they’ll be aight with it- because they’re our goddamn demon spawn. They get it, okay?

[ifvvinterends]

Had my first “foursome” last night. It was weird, but fun. Interesting. It ended with Samantha and I fucking and beating the shit out of one another (consensually) while the men we came with (Nick and Max) talked about music and watched while smoking cigarettes naked a couple feet away. Strange, beautiful. I am so happy to be able to live exactly the weird and kinky life I live.