No One Important

Random shit I need to get off my chest

[ignoreme04]

I don’t want to be a man

But not in the, I’m trapped in the wrong body way

In the, I’m turning to the very same masculinity that hunted me way

I feel as if I’m growing claws in front of my very eyes

And they match his

And it scares me

To be a Man

If my hands turn rough will I still be capable of soft touches?

[ignoreme04]

I’ve worked in kitchens for years and every time I leave those jobs I tend to have the closing shift

There’s something so haunting about an empty kitchen

Silence in the place of loud friers and even louder laughter

Dimmed lights in comparison to the almost florescent lights that I’m more accustomed to then I am the sun

The floors are wet from me mopping instead of from the many spills that happened during the rush

It feels as if I took all the personality from the kitchen

As if I took away all the evidence that we were there

That I was there

And then I leave to go to the next kitchen

And I do it all again

[ignoreme04]

I just realized that lemon cake is my favorite

I had always said red velvet before, thinking I needed to name a “proper” cake flavor. One fitting a good occasion, one worth a celebration

But every time I answered with red velvet I found myself saying, but…only a little, only with the cream cheese frosting, it’s a bit too sweet isn’t it?

I gave more reasons I disliked it then I liked it

But a lemon cake?

There is no qualifications for a lemon cake, it could never disappoint me

So why?

Why wouldn’t I choose it?

Perhaps it’s the same reason I tell people my favorite ice cream is cookie dough, when in reality it’s vanilla

Plain old vanilla

I fear my choices are too simple to be “favorites”

Too simple to be worth first place

I wonder why I think that

[ignoreme04]

I thought the worst part of losing my childhood pet was that they were dead

But it wasn’t

The worst part was going home without him

It was opening the door slowly so he wouldn’t book it out of the house

Only to realize he would never do that again

The worst part was going home to his fur all over the couch

It practically glowed covered in his orange fur

The worst part was cleaning it and knowing it was never coming back

It was when I brush my teeth and my eyes naturally fell the the corner of the mirror

I could’ve sworn I saw him then, peaking around the corner to see what I was up to

The worst part was when time past and he was still dead

And I had to live without him

[ignoreme04]

You text,

How are you?

And I want to say, better now that I’m talking to you

I want to say, you’re the best person in the world

I want to tell you how much I love you

How much I long to be by your side

I want to tell you about the dream I had where your head was in my lap while I played with your hair

I want to tell you how much I wish that were our reality

…

Instead I say,

Good! How are you?

[ignoreme04]

I want him to reach for me

I want him to grab my hand as we go through an exhibit, excitedly dragging me along

I want his arm over my shoulder as a movie plays

I want his hands on my hips as we dance in our kitchen

Even if it’s as small as his pinky interlocking with mine, I want it

I want him to reach for me

[ignoreme04]

I live alone.

It’s so quiet…there’s no music muffled through the wall, no smell of something cooking on the stove, no, “hey, we’re going out, wanna come?”

No waking up to breakfast or coming home to dinner, the magnets on the fridge don’t move, and there’s no more fight over if the window should be open or not.

There’s no more, “I’m doing laundry, do you want me to grab your stuff too?” No more, “I’m at the store, what do you want” texts, no more posing in the Walmart security cameras, our shared groceries in our hands, no more movie nights, and no more impromptu raves in our kitchen at 3am.

Now there’s no food unless I make it, my laundry stays in the dryer for a week, and my magnets stay still…

They stare at me, unmoving.

A constant reminder that I’m alone in this apartment.

All alone.

[ignoreme04]

I remember, when I was younger, I ate Shepherd pie a lot. I remember loving it so much and being so excited when my dad used to make it.

I wonder what it tastes like…

…I haven’t had it in so long that I can’t even remember all the ingredients. I can’t even fully recall how it looked…

I only remember loving shepherds pie.

I wonder how it tased to little me. Would it taste the same if I tried it now? Or have my taste buds already changed too much? Have I fully lost who I was back then? Will I ever experience anything like she did again?

Will I ever have my dad’s shepherds pie again?

[ignoreme04]

It’s insane how much of my life I’ve altered for you.

You didn’t ask for it, didn’t even hint that you wanted it, I was just so desperate to have you that I thought it would make it easier for you.

Easier for you to like me, easier for you to talk to me, easier for you to even acknowledge me.

I came back to a shitty job just because I knew that was the easiest way to see you more often.

I didn’t move because I knew it was easier for you to come over since I live so close.

I’ve even stopped questioning my gender(or at least ignored it more) because I knew it’d be easier to like me if I was a girl.

You never asked for any of this. This isn’t on you, I decided on my own to make myself easier to love.

It’s just wild that it really went that far.

[ignoreme04]

You do something and it makes me laugh. My eyes soften and I swear this is the most genuine I’ve ever smiled.

I want to say I love you.

Instead I say, “You’re so stupid.”

You say something about me and it proves you listen. My heart melts and my brain whites out.

I want to say I love you.

Instead I say, “Shut the fuck up.” And I can’t look you in the eye.

I see you for the first time today and I want to tell you you’re beautiful, I want to tell you how much I missed you, how much I adore you.

Instead I say, “What’s up loser.”

We make eye contact from across a busy room. My eyes say I love you.

I flip you off.

[ignoreme04]

I made a terrible joke today while driving home alone. I laughed so hard at it… then waited for someone else to join in.

In that moment I’d never felt more alone, laughing at my own stupid joke and only hearing my own laughter echo back at me.

It was like it was mocking me. Laughing at me instead of with me. The laughter turning to a crushing weight in the blink of an eye.

My chest felt hallow as I had tried to keep the smile on my face only to remember that there’s no one I need to pretend with right now. There was no one there, no one to see my sorry state, and even worse, no one to laugh with.

[ignoreme04]

I did it again.

I fell for you when I swore I’d never fall again.

And yet here I am.

You make me angry…and happy. So fucking happy. Your smile lights me up and I could listen to your laugh on repeat without ever getting sick of it. You make me smile even when I’m trying so hard not to.

And that’s where I realize that I’ve done it again.

Because now me being happy is synonymous with your laugh, your smile, your entire essence.

You’re like an addiction I couldn’t possibly kick. Every time I see you is like a hit. And when I’m not with you it’s like it darkens the world, for what’s the point without you?

But I can’t do that. I can’t let you be my whole world cause that’s not fair. Not to you, not to me. So I can’t do this again, I can’t keep falling for you.

I can’t fall again.

[ignoreme04]

I’ve been hurt so badly before that now the bare minimum makes my heart sore.

You tell me to be careful when I do something dumb, my heart skips.

You remember that my favorite color is blue, my breath catches.

You remember the name of a coworker I told you about once and suddenly I’m imaging an entire life with you.

Our conversation gets interrupted and later, you come back to ask me to finish what I was saying and in that moment I knew if you asked I’d burn the whole world down.

This can only end badly, I know… I know.

[ignoreme04]

I think about you when someone mentions tequila. I think of you when I see a Good Mythical Morning video. I think of you when I hear the Minecraft music. I think of you when a plane passes over me when I’m outside. I think of you when I see a Home Depot. I think of you when I see yellow jello. I think of you…

How long will I keep thinking of you?

[ignoreme04]

I awaken in a field, hands gripping the dirt at my sides. How did I get here? Why does this place feel so…

Familiar?

Ah, right…

This is the place where I lie in dew covered grass until my limbs go numb and my hands turn an angry red, then a calm purple.

This is the place where I stare up at the stars until I can’t make out the constellations through my tears, so instead I close my eyes and pretend I’m else where.

This is the place where I make up senecios behind closed eyes where my friends run to my rescue, where my mom loves me unconditionally, where I am me.

This is the place where I imagine warmth. This is the place where I escape the cold, where I escape reality.

I clutch my chest with numb fingers. They seek out a warmth they will never find.

I embrace the cold, and close my eyes. Then I simply

drift

off

to sleep.

[ignoreme04]

How do you show love?

Is it the reels you send me? Or the way you tease me?

Is it the way you look at me, the way you talk to me?

Is it the way you notice when I’m faking a laugh? When you notice I’m angry, even when I think I’m hiding it so well.

How do you show love? I want to notice it, so please, please tell me.

[ignoreme04]

Do you think about me when you pass my old apartment?

Do you think about me when you see the Freddy’s we always went to together?

Do you think about me when you see cookie dough at the store? Or a flannel you know I’ll love? Or a tv show we watched together? Or a YouTuber we were obsessed with?

Do you think about me?