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I Personal blog: @zehina I Main writing blog: @skzoologist I
!BACK FROM INDEFINITE HIATUS!
Series:
The Windows To My Soul [OT8 x fem!reader]
ā³ After flying to the other end of the world to see your beloved idols' concert with your own two eyes, things get chaotic and you somehow end up meeting with them personally, although not in the way you wanted to. A worldwide phenomenon starts happening, binding you to all 8 and forever changing your lives, for better or for worse.
A biteful memory [werewolf!OT8 x werewolf!fem!reader]
ā³ You were only trying to live a normal life, get your stupid degree and work a job you didn't completely hate. Yet it all changed once you met him, met them, a whole new world revealing itself to you, one that isn't all rainbows and wonders.
Oneshots:
Bang Chan
Withering light [faerie AU, heavy angst, no comfort]
Overflowing love [soft thoughts]
Violet-coloured lenses [angst, happy ending]
Art study [suggestive, NOT SMUT]
One-way ticket [vampire AU, suggestive, NOT SMUT]
Too much [angst, comfort]
...
ā³ Yet to be published...
Lee Minho
(Un)requited love [angst, happy ending]
...
ā³ Yet to be published...
Seo Changbin
...
ā³ Yet to be published...
Hwang Hyunjin
...
ā³ Yet to be published...
Han Jisung
Garden of regret [heavy angst, no comfort]
Silent solitude [angst, hurt/comfort]
...
ā³ Yet to be published...
Lee Felix
...
ā³ Yet to be published...
Kim Seungmin
...
ā³ Yet to be published...
Yang Jeongin
...
ā³ Yet to be published...
OT8
Life keeps kicking you down [angst, hurt/comfort]
Momentary doubts [small angst, comfort, fluff]
...
ā³ Yet to be published...
Guides:
Hanahaki AU
Requests: CLOSED (but you can always send me a simple ask!)
Current number of requests in my askbox: 29, but 26 of them is from the same person so... Let's say there's like 10 requests, okay?
Buy me a hot choccie?
All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!
Disclaimer: This is just fiction, my interpretation of Stray Kids. By no means is this how they are and how they behave in real life, please don't ever think that!
summary: Loneliness is a silent killer, although when you notice its presence, you almost run into its blade willingly, had it not been for Chan to save you from yourself.
a/n: I know. Chan again. I apologise but he is my comfort place, in a sense.
ā³ Main Masterlist
All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!
It was supposed to be a normal day, like any other, yet the weight in my chest only proved me wrong. It settled over me like a veilā, no, like chains, dragging me down to the bottom of the sea. Darkness enveloped me now, both in mind and in body, form hidden beneath the thick layer of my blanket. Even its fuzzy texture and soft fibres couldnāt comfort me, something I had thought impossible before.
Now, it was my reality.
I had woken up like usual, left alone in the shared apartment of my significant other. He worked hard, far harder than anyone Iād ever known, passionate about his job to a degree I could only ever hope to understand. My own work was remote, not needing me to leave the house much, if at all. Still, that had never stopped him from leaving me a message on my phone, always leading to us chatting until he got back home.
Until those messages had turned more and more sparse, comeback season having kept him understandably busy. It had always been a stressful season for him and the entire team, a fact I understood without a doubt.
Yet, on this particular day, a realisation had dawned on me: I relied on him too much.
For so long ā practically between comeback seasons ā we spent our days together, may that be through phone or not. And as he now worked away in his studio, far too busy to check my message, Iād realised how empty I felt. How my days were spent waiting for a notification, my heart caring too much about one person.
Talking with others didnāt feel the same, or at least those who understood me to a similar degree to him were just as busy, if somehow not more. Iād become isolated in this place, a prison of my own doing.
How I despised my heart for choosing who to trust the most, who to run to for attention when possible, like a touch-starved dog begging for headpats.
It was what had driven me beneath my blanket, curled up until my joints shifted and bones creaked, entirely too weakly body groaning in protest. I understood why it was screaming at me as it was I who had decided to lay there for hours, unmoving, on the verge of tears yet not quite letting them fall. Every single time my thoughts took a turn and over-analysed another interaction with someone, with him, my eyes turned glossy, imprisoning those crystalline droplets like my thoughts had imprisoned me.
I couldnāt believe how clingy I had become, how deeply it was embedded into my nature despite my endless tries to get rid of it, ever since I was a child. No human being could ever possibly give me this much of their attention, no matter how they said it was fine, as it was physically impossible.
Iād been hurt by those promises too much in the past to believe them again.
Yet, even now, I kept listening, breath stilling just so I could hear the soft buzzing of my phone: the telltale sign of a notification. None came, however, and I was left only feeling worse, like a leech that had somehow managed to deceive those around it. They hadnāt signed up for someone like me upon the beginning of our friendships; nobody would have expected to suddenly get a friend who needed attention practically all day and week.
My body shivered and I only curled up tighter, the day now gone with me having done nothing at all. No chores, no hobbies, nothing. I was lucky enough to have had today off work-wise, although perhaps it would have taken my mind off of this thing.
I wasnāt sure, although I would have had this realisation sooner or later anyway.
The lock turned and I froze, body straining to check my phone for a time. The sudden light blinded me and yet I powered through it, burning eyes confirming my suspicions: it was far too early for Chan to be home.
His steps had already halted somewhere in the living room, voice laced with worry as he called out to me. It was enough for me to know that I would be caught had I gone out to greet him, nowhere near a state stable enough to pretend I was fine. My glossy eyes only watered more from having checked my phone, sensitive to the bright light after being in the darkness for so long.
The door slowly creaked open and light poured in from behind me, yet I remained still, hoping heād think I was asleep. It was strange enough I hadnāt greeted him back, tall form laden with comfy clothes and waddling out to greet him with an all-encompassing hug.
Now he only got a small lump under a blanket, still and unresponsive.
His voice was quiet as he called out to me again, gentle, as if speaking any louder would shatter me. The hand that now caressed my shoulder was equally gentle, if not more, careful to not put any pressure on me. Despite that I didnāt move, mindful of my breathing and keeping it steady.
āWhatās wrong, love?ā
Apparently I was much too late to pretend I was fine, easy to read like an open book.
āAre you having a bad day mentally, or physically?ā ā he tried again, that beautiful voice even more tender, just for my sake.
I shifted then, curling up even tighter, if possible, yet it wasnāt enough to break the connection we had. Chanās hand remained firm on my shoulder, as if it was written in the fabric of reality to be so.
āHow did you know?ā ā my voice was small, too small, yet he didnāt comment on it.
āYou only ever do this when somethingās wrong. Besides, this is your comfort blanket, love. You use it when you want to feel cosy and whenever youāre in need of a hug. Donāt shut me out, please? Weāve talked about this. Let me hug you, let me take care of you.ā
His words were met with silence, although my lower lip was trembling as the coil within my chest was wound too tight now. He didnāt see it, of course not, it was physically impossible. Iād positioned myself to not be seen, ashamed of myself and who Iād become, who I truly was.
The hold on my shoulder tightened ever so slightly, worry no doubt coursing through Chanās veins at my lack of response. It was extremely rare for one of us to do this, to go completely silent; weād laid down some rules in our relationship long ago, just so there wouldnāt be any hurt feelings over misunderstandings. But I couldnāt speak now.
Not when doing so would break the dam inside my heart, letting everything ugly Iād kept inside spill out and taint this wonderful person.
Chan didnāt speak again as he instead let his actions do all the talking, the bed dipping behind me as he laid down. I wasnāt engulfed and I wasnāt moved; he simply had that hand on my arm now, thumb going back and forth in a comforting motion I didnāt deserve. He didnāt know how it only made me feel worse, to receive comfort when I was the one supposed to be giving it.
To be so weak and dependent on someone who was already dealing with too many things, it disgusted me.
I disgusted myself.
I wasnāt sure how long we had remained like that, just him quietly laying behind me as I fought against my tears. Eventually I failed, the droplets spilling forth and leaving behind glistening trails on my skin. A soft sniffle escaped me without my consent, causing the hold on my arm to tighten, yet Chan never pressed for a response or explanation.
He knew it wouldnāt work, knew it would only cause me to shut myself off.
Instead the sheets rustled as I moved sluggishly, limbs aching and joints popping. I could already see the grimace on his face at the sounds, knowing not all were natural but due to the state of my withering body. No matter, it wasnāt important right now.
āChannie, be honest. Am I too much?ā
I watched as his expression shifted, eyes wide and mouth agape in shock. He probably didnāt expect such a question without warning, although to me, its presence made complete sense. This gaping emptiness in my chest perhaps hadnāt formed today, but I finally noticed it and things couldnāt stay the same. Not anymore.
I couldnāt keep being this dependent on a few people, on him all alone.
āWhat? Where did you even get this idea? Of course youāre not. Youāre my baby, my love, my everything. Did someone comment something like this again?ā ā his voice was rushed, firm, as if in a race to reassure me.
I shook my head, denying his claims.
āThen what happened? Where did you get that stupid idea from?ā
My eyes momentarily closed as his hand slid up to my face, wiping a few tears away, only to have more in their wake. He didnāt stop though and instead lingered there, the missed warmth of his hand slowing the dropletsā descent.
āI just realised some things now that youāre busy. Nobody said anything to me.ā
Those warm orbs twisted at my words, turning darker and pained. Both his hands held my face now and with so much affection I felt like I was robbing the man, feeling a twist in my stomach at just how worried he seemed now.
āAnd what did you realise?ā ā his voice was smaller this time, as if afraid to ask, to know.
A deep inhale expanded my chest forcefully, yet once again not enough to sever our bond. His hands remained firmly in place, thumbs catching my ever-falling tears, causing my chest to tighten impossibly more. The ends of my lips dipped the moment I could feel the dam cracking within my heart, within my soul, disgusting tar and sewage leaking out through the thin openings.
And he stood at its foot, arms open, ready to let it wash over him.
āHow can you tolerate me? I yap and whine a lot, even when I know youāre busy and stressed. Even now, I should be the one comforting you and yet here I am, breaking down, again. This isnāt fair towards you, to have someone so demanding as me as your partner. Or as someone in your life in general. Iām clingy and can easily overthink things, needing constant reassurance that nobody has the fucking time or energy to give. Of course they donāt, itās physically impossible, so why? Why do you look at me like this, as if seeing me in pain hurts you?ā ā my voice died near the end, cracking from the unbearable weight of my emotions.
Chan didnāt hesitate.
Steady arms pulled me close and buried me into his chest, as if he was openly offering the place for me to live. His heart beat strongly in its cage, and I didnāt doubt that he would have scooted it away just to give me space there. It was such a Chan thing to do, to give without needing anything back and it only drove that self-inflicted knife deeper into my own chest.
āThatās not true. Maybe you donāt believe me right now, but none of what you said is true.ā
His hold on me only tightened as he muttered those words into my hair, holding me so tight it felt as if he thought I would disappear otherwise.
āFirst of all, you take care of me plenty, my love. You always check in on me, leave me something each day to enjoy. Sometimes itās a small note with a doodle and a short, but sweet message on it, other times itās some cookies I can take in and eat with the boys. Just the other night you held me like this, lulling me to sleep with your gentle touches and humming.ā
A violent sob tore itself out of me at that, two sides of my mind warring against each other. One wanted to believe Chanās words, that I had some worth and wasnāt just some greedy bastard, while the other was incapable of accepting such things. They fought against each other in a violent battle, rendering me a sobbing mess in someoneās arms who I didnāt even think I was deserving of.
Yet, Chanās arms remained around me, as if saying āYou do deserve itā.
āSecondly, you always do your best to respect my space out of your own volition. Iāve never had to ask for it, because whenever you know Iām at work or stressed, you keep to yourself a bit. Only when I replied or Iām obviously free do you bombard me with messages or cutely start rambling about a new hyperfixation of yours. And I love it when you do that. I love seeing you be so excited about something that you nearly burst at the seams, and even be more excited to tell me about it.ā ā his voice was tender, so sure in itself even in its wavering state.
I didnāt react, overwhelmed by the emotions wrecking my body from the inside, despicable and ugly.
Yet, he still loved me like this, and I couldnāt understand how.
āYouāve never been too much, love. Itās okay to feel lonely at times, to feel more comfortable with certain people than others. Thatās why I and your closest friends are here, and Iām sure theyād say the same. We love you both when youāre quiet and more reserved, and when you can barely contain your excitement over wanting to share something.ā
A hiccup escaped me at that, and I just knew Iād tainted his t-shirt, terribly so.
āBut youāre busy and stressed, and also have to take care of the boys besides yourself. I donātāI donāt want to add onto that by being clingy. I hate that I feel the need to do so.ā
āYou wouldnāt, my love. Never. But to make you feel better, how about Iāll put my phone on donāt disturb when Iām busy, hm? Then you can message me whenever you want, and when Iām free, Iāll reply shortly. Would that make you feel better?ā
I nodded into his shirt, although that solution was a mere bandage to an open wound. Blood kept gushing from it as the plaster could do nothing against its force, only time and self-reflection able to heal it, if anything.
My knuckles turned white from the force I held onto him, greedily basking in his warmth despite knowing I shouldnāt.
āPlease donāt ever keep it in if you ever feel like this again. Iām always there for you, my love, always. And you should know by now, silly,ā ā his voice gained a certain lightness to it, desperately hoping to lift this heavy atmosphere in the room ā āI love nothing more than taking care of the boys, taking care of you. Itās what drives me to be better, to always be there for you in case of anything.ā
His lips pressed into the crown of my head, sending warmth gently crawling down my spine, easing the knots in my stomach and the tense state of my muscles.
āYou give so much yet ask for nothing, deriving yourself of even your basic needs.ā
āPerhaps thatās why Seungminnie said youāre dating a version of yourself.ā
A chuckle blossomed in Chanās chest at that, brief but sincere all the same. I smiled at the sound, unable to keep it in when it was one of my favourites.
āCan we stay like this for a little bit longer?ā
āAlways, my love. Always.ā
warnings: Please read the 'Summary' of this series, all are listed there!
word count: ~3.6k
summary: Reality starts to dawn on you at last, but you're determined to push through this and the chaos your life had become.
ā³ Masterlist
ā³ Next chapter
ā³ Previous chapter
All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!
āEevee?ā
Changbinās voice broke me out of my spiralling train of thoughts, my eyes adjusting to the sight in front of me after a few blinks. Felix and Jisung were looking at me, their brows furrowed as they kept glancing to the side. Following that invisible line, I noticed Chan -who had changed places and sat with Minho-, a small smile blooming on his face once heād noticed my gaze was directed at him.
I quietly apologised, lowering my head a bit. Changbin immediately protested, shouting how there was nothing to be apologising for, all the while tightening his grip on me and purposefully tumbling down onto the ground. Naturally, he took me down with him, a surprised yelp leaving my lips as I collided into his laying form. But before I could even try to escape -which would never happen, with how strong he was-, Felix jumped at us, closely followed by Hyunjin.
Oh god, they were heavyā
But that didnāt really bother them; they only cuddled up to us and squeezed the living hell out of both me and Changbin, all the while being careful of my injuries. This prompted the man who held me captive to start shouting, his loud voice grating at my ears and making me flinch, causing me to cover them up with my hands as best as I could.
Donāt get me wrong, his voice was nice and all, but I was in no state for this to keep happening. I could already feel how my head throbbed, incessant and demanding.
āAll right, all right, youāre gonna squish her to death at this rate. Let her go guys, cāmon.ā - Chan came to the rescue, his hands ushering everyone away and freeing me from the deadly grip I was in for god knew how long.
āEeeh, but I barely cuddled her!ā - Felix protested, Hyunjin quick to join and make grabby hands at me.
āNo, mine now.ā - with that, Chan giggled and ran away with my hand in his hold, the three on the ground quickly scrambling up and chasing us.
Whatā
It felt like a surreal looney tunes scene with all of us running around the room, dodging furniture left and right. The ones behind me were trying to grab at me, almost succeeding countless times, thanks to my much slower form. But Chan always yanked me away, earning groans and protests from our chasers.
It was fun and all, their laughter contagious, but I really didnāt have the energy for this. So when an opportunity showed itself, I freed my hand from Chanās grip and vaulted over the back of the couch, bouncing a bit on top of the plush seat. My breathing was heavy, my lungs thanking me for taking a break. My stamina truly was horrible.
āHow the fuck do you guys have energy for all this?ā - I huffed out, my voice quiet as I mainly grumbled to myself.
āOh you know, itās just the usuaāā - Seungmin started, only to be interrupted by the resident cat.
āCrack.ā
I could only stare at him with wide eyes, blinking at his still expression as if the man hadnāt said the most random and outlandish answer possible. Out of everyone, I didnāt expect him to say it, what the hell. And while I was conveniently distracted, the others finally joined us and I was attacked by a flying body. With a grunt, I looked down at Felix and Hyunjin, both of them laying on me and giving me puppy eyes.
āDidā¦did you guys smoke something? Do you run on cuddles and skinship? Are you okay?ā - I couldnāt help but ask, no real anger or frustration present in my voice.
Within the same heartbeat they agreed, grinning at me as if it was a normal thing. As if being near me, cuddling me, roughhousing with me was an everyday thing for them. As if me being in their lives was as natural as breathing.
A sigh left my lungs, deciding that giving the whole situation up was the easier choice hereāeven if it led to two whole ass men using me as a bed.
This was fine.
We laid there until the food arrived, the sky turning dark gradually as we chatted the time away. Well, mostly them, I was too tired and overwhelmed to really do anything besides simply existing. They either noticed or didnāt mind, because not once did they try to force an answer out of me. Once the food was here and in their hands, they piled it up on the coffee table. I was handed my onigiri assortment andā
Holy shit, this was way more than I would ever be able to consume.
I gaped at the literal piles of food and then back at Chan, who was busy handing out food and grabbing his own before it would be stolen from right under his nose. Knowing fully well I wouldnāt win in an argument -besides, he bought me food, i had no right to argue-, I pulled my mask down to my chin and started destroying the army of onigiri.
I could only push down two before I was feeling full, no matter how much the others wanted me to eat just a bit more. I could only shake my head in return, feeling guilty for worrying them, but really, I was truly feeling full.
āItās okay, you can eat later too, donāt push yourself.ā - Chan said, ever the epitome of kindness.
āThank you. Iāllā¦ Iāll pay you back one day, for all the food and everything.ā - I replied as I bowed my head, feeling like a leech.
āI make more than enough money to treat you to some food, butā¦thatās probably not what you want to hear, huh? How about this? You can treat me to a meal once you get your first paycheck.ā
Instead of questioning what he truly meant and how he could be so sure I would be able to find a job and get paid in the near future, I only felt relief. Chan hadnāt just batted my feelings away of wanting to repay their kindness, his kindness, and instead acknowledged it.
I should have pondered over his words and how easily my emotions changed, but the shock of the past twenty-four hours must have made me blind to them.
After everyone was done and the trash was disposed of, they turned to me and I immediately had a bad feeling.
āEevee, itās best if you try to go to sleep now. The plane we need to catch will depart at 6 in the morning, so we need to wake up at least an hour or two earlier to get there in time. You can use my bed, Iāll sleep out here, itās fine. Weāll also wake you up when itās time, so donāt worry about that either.ā - the way Chan said it all left no room for argument, yet I just simply couldnāt let it happen.
āā¦No, Iāll take the couch. You need the bed more, youāre the idol out of the two of us. Iāve already slept here once before, itās fine.ā
āWhat? Naur! Sleeping on the couch for one night wonāt be the end of me!ā
āI wonāt use the bed either way, so if you stay out here as well, no one will use it.ā
āFine, fine, jeez. Women are scary.ā - he muttered the last part under his breath, but I still heard him, huffing with my arms crossed in front of my chest.
Men, I swear.
Once the others had their fill of amusement and laughter over our playful banter, they trickled out of the room one by one, bidding their goodbyes for the night. Only the eldest and Felix stayed behind, since they had their bedrooms in this suite. The younger boy beckoned me over, asking me to follow, his feet carrying him into the bathroom.
āThis is where the clean towels are, and these are the products provided by the hotel. Use anything youād like to, even if they're our stuff. We donāt mind, donāt worry. Hyunjin left you some sweats, so you can sleep in them with his hoodie, in case you donāt have any more clean clothes to wear. You can take a shower first, weāll be in our rooms in the meantime.ā - he smiled at me as he explained things, squeezing my hand lightly before he left.
I stood in the room for a short moment, simply breathing and processing. My eyes, glazed over and holding so much more weight than I realised I carried, met my reflection in the mirror, a pair of tired eyes looking straight back at me.
What has my life become?
Iād travelled to a different county despite the difficulties my anxiety caused me, all to cross something off my bucket list. And it had been wonderful, truly it had been, but the memory had been tainted in ways I hadnāt even processed yet. A stranger had nearly taken me away, their hands lingering on my skin if I allowed the memory to resurface. It was strong, clammy, my vision swimming and my world tilting under the unreal pull of chloroform.
Then within a blink it was gone, leaving nothing but a tired, bruised reflection behind.
I couldnāt let my thoughts win over me. Not while everything was uncertain, and not before I figured out how this new bond worked that tied me to eight men I didnāt truly know. For now, I had to keep going and pushing, until I would inevitably break.
Like I always did.
With a soft sigh I stepped away from the sink, stepping out of the bright room just long enough to gather all I needed. Thankfully I still had clean clothes within my suitcase, and the reason as to why shook my ribcage, but only for a second. It was fine. Even if Iād slept for three days, and even if my heart had nearly given out.
Although something told me the story wasnāt as simple as it had been painted for me. Not my stay in the hospital. Not how they felt about the bond, and not the companyās actions that would no doubt all happen behind my back no matter how I beg or shout at them.
The water didnāt help wash these feelings away, as much as Iād hoped it would. Instead it only soothed the aching parts of me, each little droplet cascading over cuts and bruises deep enough to lingerālike witnesses to my story.
I didnāt look at the new marks that had permanently appeared on my skin.
I couldnāt.
It felt as if I looked at them, everything would gain clarity, that my brain would finally catch up to reality and leave me behind as nothing but broken little pieces. There was nobody here right now who would willingly cut themselves over me. Who would piece me back together. Who I would truly trust to do so.
So I didnāt.
The bathroom door opened and the steam lazily rolled out with each step of mine, exhaustion having caught up to me. Still, I looked around, a part of me wary of beingā¦ what? Attacked? Grabbed and pushed onto the ground? Perhaps that was the case.
But only the faint sounds of a distant conversation greeted me, the room empty. A small lamp remained lit near the sofa, illuminating the room in a soft glow just enough for my hackles to lower.
Perhaps reality was catching up to me faster than Iād thought.
With a soft sigh and an aching body, I waddled over to my suitcase to put my clothes away. They needed a wash after such an eventful day, not to mention knowing how Chan could get, Iād have an ice pack or some soothing balm on my bruised arm tomorrow anyway. Loose clothing seemed to be mandatory, and for a moment, Hyunjinās red hoodie flashed before my eyes.
I turned the thought away.
Sock-claden feet met the hardwood floor, muffling my steps even after Iād stepped off the carpet. My hand raised once I reached the door Iād been aiming for, but for a moment, I stopped. Maybe to eavesdrop, maybe to hear them finally give voice to their true feelings about me and this bond. Or maybe to just take a breath before I spoke to them again, everything feeling just as unreal as they had days ago.
In the end, I didnāt linger there for long; a gentle knock interrupted whatever they must have been doing inside, my voice soft and quiet as it followed.
āIām done in the bathroom, you guys can go now too.ā
āOh! Thanks Eevee!ā ā one of them replied, and I hummed in return.
Before any of them could have decided to open the door I wished them good night, scampering back over to the sofa. I was too tired and tooā¦ everything to face them again. To see their bright eyes and honest smiles that could lit up a whole stadium. To have a conversation, and to have their worry directed at me again.
Iād be fine.
I just needed a night to make myself believe that again.
-.-
The morning arrived much too quickly and with a slowness that dragged. It was heavy like tar, sticking to my eyes and limbs in a stubborn defiance I knew all too well.
Yet, it wasnāt just me who it affected.
Each boy I met seemed exhausted, their brightness dimmed just enough for me to realise there were no cameras here. No staff members. Nothing to force them to be their bubbly selves, leaving behind something achingly raw and human.
Just that knowledge alone eased the weight upon my shouldersāthe one anxiety had placed there.
āYou got everythinā?ā ā Chanās voice broke me out of my concentration, having repacked my bags for the fifth time just in case.
I nodded quickly and finished up with haste, earning a pleased hum in return. The sound alone was enough to soothe the hammering of my heart, the organ beating faster than it should but still within reason. Travelling always made me nervous, and with the added aspect of doing so with eight very, very famous idols?
It was about to turn into a personal Hell of mine.
āGreat, then letās depart. Oh, but before thatāFelix, if you will?ā
Before I could have questioned anything a beanie was pulled onto my head, pushing into my eyebrows and glasses. Its black fabric was soft as the younger aussie fussed over it, pushing a few strands of hair until both him and Jeongin were satisfied.
I didnāt need to ask why I was given the piece of clothing, as Iād changed my coat in favour of a loose hoodie already. Yesterdayāor, well, on the day Iād been nearly kidnapped, two of the boys had included me in their livestream. With such a unique outfit, Iād be found out immediately.
I imagined not only the company but the boys would want to keep this entire soulmate bond thing on the lowside.
The same could be said for me, after all.
After everyone was ready and theyād fussed over how I looked enough -i swore they worried over me more than themselves-, we made our way out of the hotel. There were managers and staff members there already, all coordinating everything and I was swept into the middle of it. Without resistance I followed their lead, soon finding myself in a car with the same manager who had bowed before my hospital bed.
None of the boys were here.
Not even their leader.
My brows furrowed and my hands grew slick with sweat, yet before my heart could have truly leapt out of my throat, my attention was stolen.
āEevee, are you alright?ā
The question itself felt surreal, as I hadnāt expected the man to care. Maybe he truly felt apologetic for what the company demanded of me, and the trembling, afraid part of me wanted to believe that.
So, I nodded, fingers finding the hem of my hoodie to cling to.
āI apologise for the chaos, but with how volatile the kpop industry is, we cannot make your soulmate bond public yet. Naturally that includes your presence too. Weād hate for you to get hate or worse, get hurt.ā
Another nod, and a shallow exhale that hit my mask.
āI imagine there was no time for any briefing in the morning, so Iāll explain everything that will happen now, alright? You can ask any questions you might have afterwards. Any question, really.ā
I nodded once more, watching the manās expression with rapt attention. Every twitch of muscle, every small smile that felt apologetic and meant only for me to see. Not the driver who did their job silently before us. Not the cameras that no doubt awaited Stray Kidsā arrival at the airport.
Just me.
It eased something inside my chest.
āAs you might know, idolsā lives can get busy and chaotic. They can meet with fans and reporters anywhere they go, but airports are always crucial. Even if their presence there isnāt announced, the information might leak and so we always have to be prepared. Nobody wants to expose you to that.ā
For my own sake or the companyās?
I didnāt dare ask.
āBecause of that, you will be on a different plane than the members. Itās the one we, the staff use, so you donāt need to worry about being alone. I will be there every step of the way to help with translation and everything else. It will take us straight to Seoul, where Iāll be driving you to the dorms the members share. We can talk about what will happen afterwards there, with everyone present.ā
āEveryone?ā ā the question left me without intention, and he nodded in return.
āJYP has been notified of our schedule and wanted to have a word with you, all of you, in person. This worldwide phenomenon caught everyone off-guard, and we need to plan our steps carefully.ā
Meaning I had no true choice in anything. Iād already been blackmailed, kidnapped, and now imprisoned too? Where was the wonder, the romance, the adventure of the soulmate bonds Iād read so much about in fiction?
I could only nod once again, not trusting my voice.
It felt as if anxiety itself had manifested beneath my skin, writhing around the closer we got to the airport. Something was off, incredibly so, and I only realised what once my feet hit the ground.
These feelings werenāt my own.
They were weird, distant, like the reflection you see through two panes of glass. A shuddering breath left me as my eyes landed on the mass of people in the distance, understanding why the emotions existed in the first place.
There were enough people there to fill an office building, and the thought alone caused my throat to constrict.
With forced bravery and enough anxiety to kill a man, I followed after the manager, walking through wide corridors and gates I didnāt know. I was helped every step of the way: at the security, at navigation, at the buffet weād stopped at to grab something easy to eat. It should have eased my nerves.
Yet I felt just as wound up as when weād arrived, emotions not my own flooding my senses and threatening to overwhelm me.
As we waited to board the plane, the manager leaving me some space and silence as he sat two seats away from me, I wondered in silence: did my emotions pour through the bond just as strong? Did the members feel the way my heart thundered within its bone-made cage? The way my eyes darted around, or the way I pressed my back into the plastic seat, feeling much too open and vulnerable?
Or was it only a one-way thing? Was I the sink and them the source?
I didnāt know, and I couldnāt have any answers either.
At least that was what I thought, but my phone buzzed and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I looked around out of habit, but of course, nobody was there. Someone had sent me a message, not a wave across the sea of seats.
It was from an unknown number, nearly causing me to ignore it, as I always did. But then my eyes read the message theyād sent, and I realised I very much knew who it was.
Jisung.
There was a simple question and a clumsy introduction that stared back at me on the screen, asking if I was okay, but my brows furrowed. I hadnāt given them my number, and while I knew they had info on me, Iād hoped they would respect some of my privacy. Still, I answered, fingers shakily typing out a reply.
The reaction was immediate, the chat flooded with relief, emojis, typos and apologies. Apparently the idol had asked for my number because he had this gnawing feeling of worry in his stomach, and somehow that was enough to draw a breath out of me Iād been holding all this time without my knowledge.
They did care.
Immediately I answered, easing his worries and thanking him for caring. In his haste we typed over each other, messages overlapping and I couldnāt help the smile and small chuckle that left me. I felt the manager check on me at that, and I sheepishly gestured towards my phone, causing the man to smile and shake his head.
Then, I returned to the small screen, feeling myself unwind the more we chatted.
It was strange, yet I should have realised why it was the way it happened. How the moment Jisungās nerves got eased mine did too, emotions tangled together and felt by us both, not just me.
But I was too tired, aching and afraid to realise that.
I've thought about how to start this but, well, I think just being myself is the best way to approach the good news I will be sharing.
Hey, everyone. I've gone on an indefinite hiatus two years ago thanks to numerous reasons. I'm doing... better, in a way, but not because things improved. Honestly, if anything, my mental and especially my physical state has only worsened over the years, but I'm managing it better. I found my love for writing and reading again, and I thought hey, why not return here too, now that I have been more consistent on my main blog too?
So, I'm back, and I would like to share my plans with any of you who might have waited for my return:
First, well, I want to continue my unfinished series. Although for one of them I have bigger plans for, such as a complete rewrite to expand upon it, if you guys allow so. I have read a fic that honestly gave me so many ideas and inspired me to hell and back.
Secondly, I would work on those poor requests I'd gotten before my hiatus. Those who sent them in probably don't remember, but I have them all. I've always had them, and I will write each and every single one, even if it will take me months or longer.
Third, I have sometime within my absence passed 200 followers, and that calls for a celebration event. It isn't my main priority, but I will be thinking of ways on how to do so. If you have any suggestions, I am always open to them!
I would like to emphasise that my updates won't be regular, as they had never been. Sadly I am not in a state that allows that, not to mention I devote just as much of myself for my main blog, if not more. There might be days where I cannot get my thoughts into order, or days where all I can do is lay in bed, hoping the pain passes.
warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing
word count: ~1.3k
summary: Your relationship with your otherworldly boyfriend has reached a point of no return, something you embrace with open arms.
a/n: I blame @writingforstraykids for this, again, as she made me watch Railway and reignite my love for vampire AUs, even though I'm still deeply buried in my werewolf brainrot. So take this thing I wrote at 2 am in a delirious haze, that song blasted into my ears directly with such force I now have the lyrics engraved into my brain.
ā³ Main Masterlist
All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!
Fascination had always driven me as I lived my life, surroundings endlessly housing something interesting enough for me to poke at, to unravel it and see how it ticked. Never once did I harm something in the process though, tenderly handling each animal as I observed them, always told I look like a child on Christmas night with the nebula of stars that had crawled into my eyes.
Heād said the same thing the first time we had met, truly met, real identity revealed for me to know. It had been a huge step in the connection we had shared, and it had only deepened this endless love I harboured for the man.
His smile alone was enough to lighten my day, sharp canines glinting in the light and yet I only found them all the more endearing, a fact heād never failed to point out with the most love-sick expression I had ever seen.
It was a casual night when heād beckoned me over to the couch where he sat, pulling my taller form down into his lap easily. With one hand on one of my knees and the other on the small of my back, he stared up into my surprised eyes, only chuckling at my reaction with that stupidly attractive dimpled smile of his.
āDid you know, love, that those silly stories about vampires arenāt all wrong?ā - he started, immediately gaining my full attention. His smile only grew as he knew what buttons to push to earn it this fast, knowing me more than I knew myself at this point.
Being together for a few years granted that advantage to a person.
āWhat did you guys call it? Soulmates, I think? We do have that, or something similar at least. Itās a pull towards the one person we are connected to for eternity, unable to ignore or ever get rid of it. Theyāre the other halves of our souls we had lost in the afterlife, carved apart for having chosen immortality.ā
His gaze never once wandered from me and I relished in it, drinking it all in like a starved animal. Every word was etched into my brain and I leaned closer, one hand carefully reaching up to cup Chanās face. He leaned into my touch as my thumb caressed the skin residing underneath those bright, wine red and hauntingly white orbs, their shine temporarily hidden as he closed them in bliss.
āYouāre my other half, my love. Knew it the moment our eyes met, the moment you didnāt run away when I revealed my true nature and instead looked at me with more love.ā
His whispered words clearly rang inside my head despite the intense focus I had over his features, getting lost in his stare. It was as if he was worshipping me, memorising every little feature of my face, of my presence itself.
I didnāt move away when he leaned in, our lips sealed together, a rare act from someone as reserved as me. The hold he had on me only tightened and it told me everything I needed to know, his appreciation for this unique moment shared with me through our fleeting kiss.
āI want to share eternity with you, baby. Want to have you by my side forever, watch every sunset together until the universe itself ends.ā
His words, albeit as cheesy as they could be, only spurred this burning feeling inside my chest that sparked from nothing. No, not nothing. It was created by that loving look in his eyes, the one that craved me in every possible way; both in body and in mind.
My limbs moved before I could even think about a coherent reply, weight shifting as our legs were now pressed close together, bodies facing each other. His face, the one that never once turned away from me, was framed by both my hands and he acted as if he wanted nothing less than that.
It was as if he wanted his entire body to be framed by my presence itself, so enamoured with me it hurt to witness.
A thumb gently pushed at his lips until his jaw opened slightly, sharp canine revealed and glinting in the vermillion liquid I coated it with. The wound on my finger stung and yet I could care less, much too focused on the man in front of me, the one my heart beat for with all its stubborn might.
His pupils widened the moment my blood hit his tongue, the only answer he needed before he spurred into action.
The inferno inside me only burned brighter when he picked me up, not strained by my weight at all. And as he carried me away, tenderly placing me onto our shared bed, I understood what he meant by that pulling feeling. It laid beneath that raging fire, overshadowed by its sudden and unusual appearance.
Despite that, it remained firmly in its place, so tied to Chanās presence that living without the man caused my heart to nearly stop beating.
As if heād heard my heart skipping a beat he moved, so close I could feel the chill from every inch of his skin that covered his dead body. His lips ghosted over my heated skin as he trapped me beneath himself, trailing along the veins pulsing just beneath my skin, hidden to us, mere humans, yet oh so obvious to his kind. It had always fascinated me how he could see them so well, so easily, yet I had only gotten a chuckle and a teasing answer whenever Iād asked, hiding his secrets away from me.
This time that same question couldnāt even leave my lips as he devoted every little touch to me and only me, his reverence so strong I could hear their words even without a single sound.
Fangs grazed my neck and goosebumps covered my skin, a little kiss my comfort the moment he noticed it. Despite that he continued, gazing up at me one final time, allowing me to see those irresistible depths turn brighter; vermillion mixed with burgundy while the whites shifted, painting my sight with endless mismatched roses swaying in the wind.
The pull inside me strengthened and the flower fields were disturbed, gentle swaying now turning violent, yet never once harming me with a single thorn.
His lips kissed the side of my neck and the muscles hidden beneath jumped at the sudden contact, the gentle action broken by sharp pain and the feeling of loss. My hands encircled him and travelled into his divine bangs, only turning them messier with each audible gulp he took.
Never once did fear take root inside my chest, my loverās actions so gentle they felt nothing less than a ritual of worship, of devotion, only meant for me to bear witness to.
And as the world started growing dark, vision wavering and hold turning weak, those lips I knew oh so well left my neck, leaving a tiny lick and a kiss before familiar eyes met mine. He hovered above me like that, hand going up to cup my cheek as I stared at him, at those wonderful rose fields, and his expression only turned more loving in return, if possible at all.
Those endlessly starving orbs were the last thing I saw before my eyes fluttered closed, unable to keep myself awake with the sudden wave of exhaustion that swept over me. I didnāt realise how much heād drank, just how much he had truly taken in such a short amount of time, and yet I trusted him completely even on deathās door.
The taste of iron lingered on my tongue as something dripped into my mouth, fingers careful as they pushed my lips open forcefully. It dripped down my throat and my body automatically took it in, as if embracing a missing piece I didnāt even know was needed.
Chilled air hit the shell of my ear as Chan leaned closer, the liquid fusing with my soul itself and stirring awake something I had long lost.
āWake up, love, the nightās only just begun.ā
no youāre so cool and amazing and talented and best writer and itās so yummylicious and omg and so good youāre so cool actually the queen of writing and of my life and i will not take any arguments.
is this a good time to propose again? šš§āāļø
summary: Loneliness is a silent killer, although when you notice its presence, you almost run into its blade willingly, had it not been for Chan to save you from yourself.
a/n: I know. Chan again. I apologise but he is my comfort place, in a sense.
ā³ Main Masterlist
All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!
It was supposed to be a normal day, like any other, yet the weight in my chest only proved me wrong. It settled over me like a veilā, no, like chains, dragging me down to the bottom of the sea. Darkness enveloped me now, both in mind and in body, form hidden beneath the thick layer of my blanket. Even its fuzzy texture and soft fibres couldnāt comfort me, something I had thought impossible before.
Now, it was my reality.
I had woken up like usual, left alone in the shared apartment of my significant other. He worked hard, far harder than anyone Iād ever known, passionate about his job to a degree I could only ever hope to understand. My own work was remote, not needing me to leave the house much, if at all. Still, that had never stopped him from leaving me a message on my phone, always leading to us chatting until he got back home.
Until those messages had turned more and more sparse, comeback season having kept him understandably busy. It had always been a stressful season for him and the entire team, a fact I understood without a doubt.
Yet, on this particular day, a realisation had dawned on me: I relied on him too much.
For so long ā practically between comeback seasons ā we spent our days together, may that be through phone or not. And as he now worked away in his studio, far too busy to check my message, Iād realised how empty I felt. How my days were spent waiting for a notification, my heart caring too much about one person.
Talking with others didnāt feel the same, or at least those who understood me to a similar degree to him were just as busy, if somehow not more. Iād become isolated in this place, a prison of my own doing.
How I despised my heart for choosing who to trust the most, who to run to for attention when possible, like a touch-starved dog begging for headpats.
It was what had driven me beneath my blanket, curled up until my joints shifted and bones creaked, entirely too weakly body groaning in protest. I understood why it was screaming at me as it was I who had decided to lay there for hours, unmoving, on the verge of tears yet not quite letting them fall. Every single time my thoughts took a turn and over-analysed another interaction with someone, with him, my eyes turned glossy, imprisoning those crystalline droplets like my thoughts had imprisoned me.
I couldnāt believe how clingy I had become, how deeply it was embedded into my nature despite my endless tries to get rid of it, ever since I was a child. No human being could ever possibly give me this much of their attention, no matter how they said it was fine, as it was physically impossible.
Iād been hurt by those promises too much in the past to believe them again.
Yet, even now, I kept listening, breath stilling just so I could hear the soft buzzing of my phone: the telltale sign of a notification. None came, however, and I was left only feeling worse, like a leech that had somehow managed to deceive those around it. They hadnāt signed up for someone like me upon the beginning of our friendships; nobody would have expected to suddenly get a friend who needed attention practically all day and week.
My body shivered and I only curled up tighter, the day now gone with me having done nothing at all. No chores, no hobbies, nothing. I was lucky enough to have had today off work-wise, although perhaps it would have taken my mind off of this thing.
I wasnāt sure, although I would have had this realisation sooner or later anyway.
The lock turned and I froze, body straining to check my phone for a time. The sudden light blinded me and yet I powered through it, burning eyes confirming my suspicions: it was far too early for Chan to be home.
His steps had already halted somewhere in the living room, voice laced with worry as he called out to me. It was enough for me to know that I would be caught had I gone out to greet him, nowhere near a state stable enough to pretend I was fine. My glossy eyes only watered more from having checked my phone, sensitive to the bright light after being in the darkness for so long.
The door slowly creaked open and light poured in from behind me, yet I remained still, hoping heād think I was asleep. It was strange enough I hadnāt greeted him back, tall form laden with comfy clothes and waddling out to greet him with an all-encompassing hug.
Now he only got a small lump under a blanket, still and unresponsive.
His voice was quiet as he called out to me again, gentle, as if speaking any louder would shatter me. The hand that now caressed my shoulder was equally gentle, if not more, careful to not put any pressure on me. Despite that I didnāt move, mindful of my breathing and keeping it steady.
āWhatās wrong, love?ā
Apparently I was much too late to pretend I was fine, easy to read like an open book.
āAre you having a bad day mentally, or physically?ā ā he tried again, that beautiful voice even more tender, just for my sake.
I shifted then, curling up even tighter, if possible, yet it wasnāt enough to break the connection we had. Chanās hand remained firm on my shoulder, as if it was written in the fabric of reality to be so.
āHow did you know?ā ā my voice was small, too small, yet he didnāt comment on it.
āYou only ever do this when somethingās wrong. Besides, this is your comfort blanket, love. You use it when you want to feel cosy and whenever youāre in need of a hug. Donāt shut me out, please? Weāve talked about this. Let me hug you, let me take care of you.ā
His words were met with silence, although my lower lip was trembling as the coil within my chest was wound too tight now. He didnāt see it, of course not, it was physically impossible. Iād positioned myself to not be seen, ashamed of myself and who Iād become, who I truly was.
The hold on my shoulder tightened ever so slightly, worry no doubt coursing through Chanās veins at my lack of response. It was extremely rare for one of us to do this, to go completely silent; weād laid down some rules in our relationship long ago, just so there wouldnāt be any hurt feelings over misunderstandings. But I couldnāt speak now.
Not when doing so would break the dam inside my heart, letting everything ugly Iād kept inside spill out and taint this wonderful person.
Chan didnāt speak again as he instead let his actions do all the talking, the bed dipping behind me as he laid down. I wasnāt engulfed and I wasnāt moved; he simply had that hand on my arm now, thumb going back and forth in a comforting motion I didnāt deserve. He didnāt know how it only made me feel worse, to receive comfort when I was the one supposed to be giving it.
To be so weak and dependent on someone who was already dealing with too many things, it disgusted me.
I disgusted myself.
I wasnāt sure how long we had remained like that, just him quietly laying behind me as I fought against my tears. Eventually I failed, the droplets spilling forth and leaving behind glistening trails on my skin. A soft sniffle escaped me without my consent, causing the hold on my arm to tighten, yet Chan never pressed for a response or explanation.
He knew it wouldnāt work, knew it would only cause me to shut myself off.
Instead the sheets rustled as I moved sluggishly, limbs aching and joints popping. I could already see the grimace on his face at the sounds, knowing not all were natural but due to the state of my withering body. No matter, it wasnāt important right now.
āChannie, be honest. Am I too much?ā
I watched as his expression shifted, eyes wide and mouth agape in shock. He probably didnāt expect such a question without warning, although to me, its presence made complete sense. This gaping emptiness in my chest perhaps hadnāt formed today, but I finally noticed it and things couldnāt stay the same. Not anymore.
I couldnāt keep being this dependent on a few people, on him all alone.
āWhat? Where did you even get this idea? Of course youāre not. Youāre my baby, my love, my everything. Did someone comment something like this again?ā ā his voice was rushed, firm, as if in a race to reassure me.
I shook my head, denying his claims.
āThen what happened? Where did you get that stupid idea from?ā
My eyes momentarily closed as his hand slid up to my face, wiping a few tears away, only to have more in their wake. He didnāt stop though and instead lingered there, the missed warmth of his hand slowing the dropletsā descent.
āI just realised some things now that youāre busy. Nobody said anything to me.ā
Those warm orbs twisted at my words, turning darker and pained. Both his hands held my face now and with so much affection I felt like I was robbing the man, feeling a twist in my stomach at just how worried he seemed now.
āAnd what did you realise?ā ā his voice was smaller this time, as if afraid to ask, to know.
A deep inhale expanded my chest forcefully, yet once again not enough to sever our bond. His hands remained firmly in place, thumbs catching my ever-falling tears, causing my chest to tighten impossibly more. The ends of my lips dipped the moment I could feel the dam cracking within my heart, within my soul, disgusting tar and sewage leaking out through the thin openings.
And he stood at its foot, arms open, ready to let it wash over him.
āHow can you tolerate me? I yap and whine a lot, even when I know youāre busy and stressed. Even now, I should be the one comforting you and yet here I am, breaking down, again. This isnāt fair towards you, to have someone so demanding as me as your partner. Or as someone in your life in general. Iām clingy and can easily overthink things, needing constant reassurance that nobody has the fucking time or energy to give. Of course they donāt, itās physically impossible, so why? Why do you look at me like this, as if seeing me in pain hurts you?ā ā my voice died near the end, cracking from the unbearable weight of my emotions.
Chan didnāt hesitate.
Steady arms pulled me close and buried me into his chest, as if he was openly offering the place for me to live. His heart beat strongly in its cage, and I didnāt doubt that he would have scooted it away just to give me space there. It was such a Chan thing to do, to give without needing anything back and it only drove that self-inflicted knife deeper into my own chest.
āThatās not true. Maybe you donāt believe me right now, but none of what you said is true.ā
His hold on me only tightened as he muttered those words into my hair, holding me so tight it felt as if he thought I would disappear otherwise.
āFirst of all, you take care of me plenty, my love. You always check in on me, leave me something each day to enjoy. Sometimes itās a small note with a doodle and a short, but sweet message on it, other times itās some cookies I can take in and eat with the boys. Just the other night you held me like this, lulling me to sleep with your gentle touches and humming.ā
A violent sob tore itself out of me at that, two sides of my mind warring against each other. One wanted to believe Chanās words, that I had some worth and wasnāt just some greedy bastard, while the other was incapable of accepting such things. They fought against each other in a violent battle, rendering me a sobbing mess in someoneās arms who I didnāt even think I was deserving of.
Yet, Chanās arms remained around me, as if saying āYou do deserve itā.
āSecondly, you always do your best to respect my space out of your own volition. Iāve never had to ask for it, because whenever you know Iām at work or stressed, you keep to yourself a bit. Only when I replied or Iām obviously free do you bombard me with messages or cutely start rambling about a new hyperfixation of yours. And I love it when you do that. I love seeing you be so excited about something that you nearly burst at the seams, and even be more excited to tell me about it.ā ā his voice was tender, so sure in itself even in its wavering state.
I didnāt react, overwhelmed by the emotions wrecking my body from the inside, despicable and ugly.
Yet, he still loved me like this, and I couldnāt understand how.
āYouāve never been too much, love. Itās okay to feel lonely at times, to feel more comfortable with certain people than others. Thatās why I and your closest friends are here, and Iām sure theyād say the same. We love you both when youāre quiet and more reserved, and when you can barely contain your excitement over wanting to share something.ā
A hiccup escaped me at that, and I just knew Iād tainted his t-shirt, terribly so.
āBut youāre busy and stressed, and also have to take care of the boys besides yourself. I donātāI donāt want to add onto that by being clingy. I hate that I feel the need to do so.ā
āYou wouldnāt, my love. Never. But to make you feel better, how about Iāll put my phone on donāt disturb when Iām busy, hm? Then you can message me whenever you want, and when Iām free, Iāll reply shortly. Would that make you feel better?ā
I nodded into his shirt, although that solution was a mere bandage to an open wound. Blood kept gushing from it as the plaster could do nothing against its force, only time and self-reflection able to heal it, if anything.
My knuckles turned white from the force I held onto him, greedily basking in his warmth despite knowing I shouldnāt.
āPlease donāt ever keep it in if you ever feel like this again. Iām always there for you, my love, always. And you should know by now, silly,ā ā his voice gained a certain lightness to it, desperately hoping to lift this heavy atmosphere in the room ā āI love nothing more than taking care of the boys, taking care of you. Itās what drives me to be better, to always be there for you in case of anything.ā
His lips pressed into the crown of my head, sending warmth gently crawling down my spine, easing the knots in my stomach and the tense state of my muscles.
āYou give so much yet ask for nothing, deriving yourself of even your basic needs.ā
āPerhaps thatās why Seungminnie said youāre dating a version of yourself.ā
A chuckle blossomed in Chanās chest at that, brief but sincere all the same. I smiled at the sound, unable to keep it in when it was one of my favourites.
āCan we stay like this for a little bit longer?ā
āAlways, my love. Always.ā
summary: Loneliness is a silent killer, although when you notice its presence, you almost run into its blade willingly, had it not been for Chan to save you from yourself.
a/n: I know. Chan again. I apologise but he is my comfort place, in a sense.
ā³ Main Masterlist
All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!
It was supposed to be a normal day, like any other, yet the weight in my chest only proved me wrong. It settled over me like a veilā, no, like chains, dragging me down to the bottom of the sea. Darkness enveloped me now, both in mind and in body, form hidden beneath the thick layer of my blanket. Even its fuzzy texture and soft fibres couldnāt comfort me, something I had thought impossible before.
Now, it was my reality.
I had woken up like usual, left alone in the shared apartment of my significant other. He worked hard, far harder than anyone Iād ever known, passionate about his job to a degree I could only ever hope to understand. My own work was remote, not needing me to leave the house much, if at all. Still, that had never stopped him from leaving me a message on my phone, always leading to us chatting until he got back home.
Until those messages had turned more and more sparse, comeback season having kept him understandably busy. It had always been a stressful season for him and the entire team, a fact I understood without a doubt.
Yet, on this particular day, a realisation had dawned on me: I relied on him too much.
For so long ā practically between comeback seasons ā we spent our days together, may that be through phone or not. And as he now worked away in his studio, far too busy to check my message, Iād realised how empty I felt. How my days were spent waiting for a notification, my heart caring too much about one person.
Talking with others didnāt feel the same, or at least those who understood me to a similar degree to him were just as busy, if somehow not more. Iād become isolated in this place, a prison of my own doing.
How I despised my heart for choosing who to trust the most, who to run to for attention when possible, like a touch-starved dog begging for headpats.
It was what had driven me beneath my blanket, curled up until my joints shifted and bones creaked, entirely too weakly body groaning in protest. I understood why it was screaming at me as it was I who had decided to lay there for hours, unmoving, on the verge of tears yet not quite letting them fall. Every single time my thoughts took a turn and over-analysed another interaction with someone, with him, my eyes turned glossy, imprisoning those crystalline droplets like my thoughts had imprisoned me.
I couldnāt believe how clingy I had become, how deeply it was embedded into my nature despite my endless tries to get rid of it, ever since I was a child. No human being could ever possibly give me this much of their attention, no matter how they said it was fine, as it was physically impossible.
Iād been hurt by those promises too much in the past to believe them again.
Yet, even now, I kept listening, breath stilling just so I could hear the soft buzzing of my phone: the telltale sign of a notification. None came, however, and I was left only feeling worse, like a leech that had somehow managed to deceive those around it. They hadnāt signed up for someone like me upon the beginning of our friendships; nobody would have expected to suddenly get a friend who needed attention practically all day and week.
My body shivered and I only curled up tighter, the day now gone with me having done nothing at all. No chores, no hobbies, nothing. I was lucky enough to have had today off work-wise, although perhaps it would have taken my mind off of this thing.
I wasnāt sure, although I would have had this realisation sooner or later anyway.
The lock turned and I froze, body straining to check my phone for a time. The sudden light blinded me and yet I powered through it, burning eyes confirming my suspicions: it was far too early for Chan to be home.
His steps had already halted somewhere in the living room, voice laced with worry as he called out to me. It was enough for me to know that I would be caught had I gone out to greet him, nowhere near a state stable enough to pretend I was fine. My glossy eyes only watered more from having checked my phone, sensitive to the bright light after being in the darkness for so long.
The door slowly creaked open and light poured in from behind me, yet I remained still, hoping heād think I was asleep. It was strange enough I hadnāt greeted him back, tall form laden with comfy clothes and waddling out to greet him with an all-encompassing hug.
Now he only got a small lump under a blanket, still and unresponsive.
His voice was quiet as he called out to me again, gentle, as if speaking any louder would shatter me. The hand that now caressed my shoulder was equally gentle, if not more, careful to not put any pressure on me. Despite that I didnāt move, mindful of my breathing and keeping it steady.
āWhatās wrong, love?ā
Apparently I was much too late to pretend I was fine, easy to read like an open book.
āAre you having a bad day mentally, or physically?ā ā he tried again, that beautiful voice even more tender, just for my sake.
I shifted then, curling up even tighter, if possible, yet it wasnāt enough to break the connection we had. Chanās hand remained firm on my shoulder, as if it was written in the fabric of reality to be so.
āHow did you know?ā ā my voice was small, too small, yet he didnāt comment on it.
āYou only ever do this when somethingās wrong. Besides, this is your comfort blanket, love. You use it when you want to feel cosy and whenever youāre in need of a hug. Donāt shut me out, please? Weāve talked about this. Let me hug you, let me take care of you.ā
His words were met with silence, although my lower lip was trembling as the coil within my chest was wound too tight now. He didnāt see it, of course not, it was physically impossible. Iād positioned myself to not be seen, ashamed of myself and who Iād become, who I truly was.
The hold on my shoulder tightened ever so slightly, worry no doubt coursing through Chanās veins at my lack of response. It was extremely rare for one of us to do this, to go completely silent; weād laid down some rules in our relationship long ago, just so there wouldnāt be any hurt feelings over misunderstandings. But I couldnāt speak now.
Not when doing so would break the dam inside my heart, letting everything ugly Iād kept inside spill out and taint this wonderful person.
Chan didnāt speak again as he instead let his actions do all the talking, the bed dipping behind me as he laid down. I wasnāt engulfed and I wasnāt moved; he simply had that hand on my arm now, thumb going back and forth in a comforting motion I didnāt deserve. He didnāt know how it only made me feel worse, to receive comfort when I was the one supposed to be giving it.
To be so weak and dependent on someone who was already dealing with too many things, it disgusted me.
I disgusted myself.
I wasnāt sure how long we had remained like that, just him quietly laying behind me as I fought against my tears. Eventually I failed, the droplets spilling forth and leaving behind glistening trails on my skin. A soft sniffle escaped me without my consent, causing the hold on my arm to tighten, yet Chan never pressed for a response or explanation.
He knew it wouldnāt work, knew it would only cause me to shut myself off.
Instead the sheets rustled as I moved sluggishly, limbs aching and joints popping. I could already see the grimace on his face at the sounds, knowing not all were natural but due to the state of my withering body. No matter, it wasnāt important right now.
āChannie, be honest. Am I too much?ā
I watched as his expression shifted, eyes wide and mouth agape in shock. He probably didnāt expect such a question without warning, although to me, its presence made complete sense. This gaping emptiness in my chest perhaps hadnāt formed today, but I finally noticed it and things couldnāt stay the same. Not anymore.
I couldnāt keep being this dependent on a few people, on him all alone.
āWhat? Where did you even get this idea? Of course youāre not. Youāre my baby, my love, my everything. Did someone comment something like this again?ā ā his voice was rushed, firm, as if in a race to reassure me.
I shook my head, denying his claims.
āThen what happened? Where did you get that stupid idea from?ā
My eyes momentarily closed as his hand slid up to my face, wiping a few tears away, only to have more in their wake. He didnāt stop though and instead lingered there, the missed warmth of his hand slowing the dropletsā descent.
āI just realised some things now that youāre busy. Nobody said anything to me.ā
Those warm orbs twisted at my words, turning darker and pained. Both his hands held my face now and with so much affection I felt like I was robbing the man, feeling a twist in my stomach at just how worried he seemed now.
āAnd what did you realise?ā ā his voice was smaller this time, as if afraid to ask, to know.
A deep inhale expanded my chest forcefully, yet once again not enough to sever our bond. His hands remained firmly in place, thumbs catching my ever-falling tears, causing my chest to tighten impossibly more. The ends of my lips dipped the moment I could feel the dam cracking within my heart, within my soul, disgusting tar and sewage leaking out through the thin openings.
And he stood at its foot, arms open, ready to let it wash over him.
āHow can you tolerate me? I yap and whine a lot, even when I know youāre busy and stressed. Even now, I should be the one comforting you and yet here I am, breaking down, again. This isnāt fair towards you, to have someone so demanding as me as your partner. Or as someone in your life in general. Iām clingy and can easily overthink things, needing constant reassurance that nobody has the fucking time or energy to give. Of course they donāt, itās physically impossible, so why? Why do you look at me like this, as if seeing me in pain hurts you?ā ā my voice died near the end, cracking from the unbearable weight of my emotions.
Chan didnāt hesitate.
Steady arms pulled me close and buried me into his chest, as if he was openly offering the place for me to live. His heart beat strongly in its cage, and I didnāt doubt that he would have scooted it away just to give me space there. It was such a Chan thing to do, to give without needing anything back and it only drove that self-inflicted knife deeper into my own chest.
āThatās not true. Maybe you donāt believe me right now, but none of what you said is true.ā
His hold on me only tightened as he muttered those words into my hair, holding me so tight it felt as if he thought I would disappear otherwise.
āFirst of all, you take care of me plenty, my love. You always check in on me, leave me something each day to enjoy. Sometimes itās a small note with a doodle and a short, but sweet message on it, other times itās some cookies I can take in and eat with the boys. Just the other night you held me like this, lulling me to sleep with your gentle touches and humming.ā
A violent sob tore itself out of me at that, two sides of my mind warring against each other. One wanted to believe Chanās words, that I had some worth and wasnāt just some greedy bastard, while the other was incapable of accepting such things. They fought against each other in a violent battle, rendering me a sobbing mess in someoneās arms who I didnāt even think I was deserving of.
Yet, Chanās arms remained around me, as if saying āYou do deserve itā.
āSecondly, you always do your best to respect my space out of your own volition. Iāve never had to ask for it, because whenever you know Iām at work or stressed, you keep to yourself a bit. Only when I replied or Iām obviously free do you bombard me with messages or cutely start rambling about a new hyperfixation of yours. And I love it when you do that. I love seeing you be so excited about something that you nearly burst at the seams, and even be more excited to tell me about it.ā ā his voice was tender, so sure in itself even in its wavering state.
I didnāt react, overwhelmed by the emotions wrecking my body from the inside, despicable and ugly.
Yet, he still loved me like this, and I couldnāt understand how.
āYouāve never been too much, love. Itās okay to feel lonely at times, to feel more comfortable with certain people than others. Thatās why I and your closest friends are here, and Iām sure theyād say the same. We love you both when youāre quiet and more reserved, and when you can barely contain your excitement over wanting to share something.ā
A hiccup escaped me at that, and I just knew Iād tainted his t-shirt, terribly so.
āBut youāre busy and stressed, and also have to take care of the boys besides yourself. I donātāI donāt want to add onto that by being clingy. I hate that I feel the need to do so.ā
āYou wouldnāt, my love. Never. But to make you feel better, how about Iāll put my phone on donāt disturb when Iām busy, hm? Then you can message me whenever you want, and when Iām free, Iāll reply shortly. Would that make you feel better?ā
I nodded into his shirt, although that solution was a mere bandage to an open wound. Blood kept gushing from it as the plaster could do nothing against its force, only time and self-reflection able to heal it, if anything.
My knuckles turned white from the force I held onto him, greedily basking in his warmth despite knowing I shouldnāt.
āPlease donāt ever keep it in if you ever feel like this again. Iām always there for you, my love, always. And you should know by now, silly,ā ā his voice gained a certain lightness to it, desperately hoping to lift this heavy atmosphere in the room ā āI love nothing more than taking care of the boys, taking care of you. Itās what drives me to be better, to always be there for you in case of anything.ā
His lips pressed into the crown of my head, sending warmth gently crawling down my spine, easing the knots in my stomach and the tense state of my muscles.
āYou give so much yet ask for nothing, deriving yourself of even your basic needs.ā
āPerhaps thatās why Seungminnie said youāre dating a version of yourself.ā
A chuckle blossomed in Chanās chest at that, brief but sincere all the same. I smiled at the sound, unable to keep it in when it was one of my favourites.
āCan we stay like this for a little bit longer?ā
āAlways, my love. Always.ā
summary: Loneliness is a silent killer, although when you notice its presence, you almost run into its blade willingly, had it not been for Chan to save you from yourself.
a/n: I know. Chan again. I apologise but he is my comfort place, in a sense.
ā³ Main Masterlist
All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!
It was supposed to be a normal day, like any other, yet the weight in my chest only proved me wrong. It settled over me like a veilā, no, like chains, dragging me down to the bottom of the sea. Darkness enveloped me now, both in mind and in body, form hidden beneath the thick layer of my blanket. Even its fuzzy texture and soft fibres couldnāt comfort me, something I had thought impossible before.
Now, it was my reality.
I had woken up like usual, left alone in the shared apartment of my significant other. He worked hard, far harder than anyone Iād ever known, passionate about his job to a degree I could only ever hope to understand. My own work was remote, not needing me to leave the house much, if at all. Still, that had never stopped him from leaving me a message on my phone, always leading to us chatting until he got back home.
Until those messages had turned more and more sparse, comeback season having kept him understandably busy. It had always been a stressful season for him and the entire team, a fact I understood without a doubt.
Yet, on this particular day, a realisation had dawned on me: I relied on him too much.
For so long ā practically between comeback seasons ā we spent our days together, may that be through phone or not. And as he now worked away in his studio, far too busy to check my message, Iād realised how empty I felt. How my days were spent waiting for a notification, my heart caring too much about one person.
Talking with others didnāt feel the same, or at least those who understood me to a similar degree to him were just as busy, if somehow not more. Iād become isolated in this place, a prison of my own doing.
How I despised my heart for choosing who to trust the most, who to run to for attention when possible, like a touch-starved dog begging for headpats.
It was what had driven me beneath my blanket, curled up until my joints shifted and bones creaked, entirely too weakly body groaning in protest. I understood why it was screaming at me as it was I who had decided to lay there for hours, unmoving, on the verge of tears yet not quite letting them fall. Every single time my thoughts took a turn and over-analysed another interaction with someone, with him, my eyes turned glossy, imprisoning those crystalline droplets like my thoughts had imprisoned me.
I couldnāt believe how clingy I had become, how deeply it was embedded into my nature despite my endless tries to get rid of it, ever since I was a child. No human being could ever possibly give me this much of their attention, no matter how they said it was fine, as it was physically impossible.
Iād been hurt by those promises too much in the past to believe them again.
Yet, even now, I kept listening, breath stilling just so I could hear the soft buzzing of my phone: the telltale sign of a notification. None came, however, and I was left only feeling worse, like a leech that had somehow managed to deceive those around it. They hadnāt signed up for someone like me upon the beginning of our friendships; nobody would have expected to suddenly get a friend who needed attention practically all day and week.
My body shivered and I only curled up tighter, the day now gone with me having done nothing at all. No chores, no hobbies, nothing. I was lucky enough to have had today off work-wise, although perhaps it would have taken my mind off of this thing.
I wasnāt sure, although I would have had this realisation sooner or later anyway.
The lock turned and I froze, body straining to check my phone for a time. The sudden light blinded me and yet I powered through it, burning eyes confirming my suspicions: it was far too early for Chan to be home.
His steps had already halted somewhere in the living room, voice laced with worry as he called out to me. It was enough for me to know that I would be caught had I gone out to greet him, nowhere near a state stable enough to pretend I was fine. My glossy eyes only watered more from having checked my phone, sensitive to the bright light after being in the darkness for so long.
The door slowly creaked open and light poured in from behind me, yet I remained still, hoping heād think I was asleep. It was strange enough I hadnāt greeted him back, tall form laden with comfy clothes and waddling out to greet him with an all-encompassing hug.
Now he only got a small lump under a blanket, still and unresponsive.
His voice was quiet as he called out to me again, gentle, as if speaking any louder would shatter me. The hand that now caressed my shoulder was equally gentle, if not more, careful to not put any pressure on me. Despite that I didnāt move, mindful of my breathing and keeping it steady.
āWhatās wrong, love?ā
Apparently I was much too late to pretend I was fine, easy to read like an open book.
āAre you having a bad day mentally, or physically?ā ā he tried again, that beautiful voice even more tender, just for my sake.
I shifted then, curling up even tighter, if possible, yet it wasnāt enough to break the connection we had. Chanās hand remained firm on my shoulder, as if it was written in the fabric of reality to be so.
āHow did you know?ā ā my voice was small, too small, yet he didnāt comment on it.
āYou only ever do this when somethingās wrong. Besides, this is your comfort blanket, love. You use it when you want to feel cosy and whenever youāre in need of a hug. Donāt shut me out, please? Weāve talked about this. Let me hug you, let me take care of you.ā
His words were met with silence, although my lower lip was trembling as the coil within my chest was wound too tight now. He didnāt see it, of course not, it was physically impossible. Iād positioned myself to not be seen, ashamed of myself and who Iād become, who I truly was.
The hold on my shoulder tightened ever so slightly, worry no doubt coursing through Chanās veins at my lack of response. It was extremely rare for one of us to do this, to go completely silent; weād laid down some rules in our relationship long ago, just so there wouldnāt be any hurt feelings over misunderstandings. But I couldnāt speak now.
Not when doing so would break the dam inside my heart, letting everything ugly Iād kept inside spill out and taint this wonderful person.
Chan didnāt speak again as he instead let his actions do all the talking, the bed dipping behind me as he laid down. I wasnāt engulfed and I wasnāt moved; he simply had that hand on my arm now, thumb going back and forth in a comforting motion I didnāt deserve. He didnāt know how it only made me feel worse, to receive comfort when I was the one supposed to be giving it.
To be so weak and dependent on someone who was already dealing with too many things, it disgusted me.
I disgusted myself.
I wasnāt sure how long we had remained like that, just him quietly laying behind me as I fought against my tears. Eventually I failed, the droplets spilling forth and leaving behind glistening trails on my skin. A soft sniffle escaped me without my consent, causing the hold on my arm to tighten, yet Chan never pressed for a response or explanation.
He knew it wouldnāt work, knew it would only cause me to shut myself off.
Instead the sheets rustled as I moved sluggishly, limbs aching and joints popping. I could already see the grimace on his face at the sounds, knowing not all were natural but due to the state of my withering body. No matter, it wasnāt important right now.
āChannie, be honest. Am I too much?ā
I watched as his expression shifted, eyes wide and mouth agape in shock. He probably didnāt expect such a question without warning, although to me, its presence made complete sense. This gaping emptiness in my chest perhaps hadnāt formed today, but I finally noticed it and things couldnāt stay the same. Not anymore.
I couldnāt keep being this dependent on a few people, on him all alone.
āWhat? Where did you even get this idea? Of course youāre not. Youāre my baby, my love, my everything. Did someone comment something like this again?ā ā his voice was rushed, firm, as if in a race to reassure me.
I shook my head, denying his claims.
āThen what happened? Where did you get that stupid idea from?ā
My eyes momentarily closed as his hand slid up to my face, wiping a few tears away, only to have more in their wake. He didnāt stop though and instead lingered there, the missed warmth of his hand slowing the dropletsā descent.
āI just realised some things now that youāre busy. Nobody said anything to me.ā
Those warm orbs twisted at my words, turning darker and pained. Both his hands held my face now and with so much affection I felt like I was robbing the man, feeling a twist in my stomach at just how worried he seemed now.
āAnd what did you realise?ā ā his voice was smaller this time, as if afraid to ask, to know.
A deep inhale expanded my chest forcefully, yet once again not enough to sever our bond. His hands remained firmly in place, thumbs catching my ever-falling tears, causing my chest to tighten impossibly more. The ends of my lips dipped the moment I could feel the dam cracking within my heart, within my soul, disgusting tar and sewage leaking out through the thin openings.
And he stood at its foot, arms open, ready to let it wash over him.
āHow can you tolerate me? I yap and whine a lot, even when I know youāre busy and stressed. Even now, I should be the one comforting you and yet here I am, breaking down, again. This isnāt fair towards you, to have someone so demanding as me as your partner. Or as someone in your life in general. Iām clingy and can easily overthink things, needing constant reassurance that nobody has the fucking time or energy to give. Of course they donāt, itās physically impossible, so why? Why do you look at me like this, as if seeing me in pain hurts you?ā ā my voice died near the end, cracking from the unbearable weight of my emotions.
Chan didnāt hesitate.
Steady arms pulled me close and buried me into his chest, as if he was openly offering the place for me to live. His heart beat strongly in its cage, and I didnāt doubt that he would have scooted it away just to give me space there. It was such a Chan thing to do, to give without needing anything back and it only drove that self-inflicted knife deeper into my own chest.
āThatās not true. Maybe you donāt believe me right now, but none of what you said is true.ā
His hold on me only tightened as he muttered those words into my hair, holding me so tight it felt as if he thought I would disappear otherwise.
āFirst of all, you take care of me plenty, my love. You always check in on me, leave me something each day to enjoy. Sometimes itās a small note with a doodle and a short, but sweet message on it, other times itās some cookies I can take in and eat with the boys. Just the other night you held me like this, lulling me to sleep with your gentle touches and humming.ā
A violent sob tore itself out of me at that, two sides of my mind warring against each other. One wanted to believe Chanās words, that I had some worth and wasnāt just some greedy bastard, while the other was incapable of accepting such things. They fought against each other in a violent battle, rendering me a sobbing mess in someoneās arms who I didnāt even think I was deserving of.
Yet, Chanās arms remained around me, as if saying āYou do deserve itā.
āSecondly, you always do your best to respect my space out of your own volition. Iāve never had to ask for it, because whenever you know Iām at work or stressed, you keep to yourself a bit. Only when I replied or Iām obviously free do you bombard me with messages or cutely start rambling about a new hyperfixation of yours. And I love it when you do that. I love seeing you be so excited about something that you nearly burst at the seams, and even be more excited to tell me about it.ā ā his voice was tender, so sure in itself even in its wavering state.
I didnāt react, overwhelmed by the emotions wrecking my body from the inside, despicable and ugly.
Yet, he still loved me like this, and I couldnāt understand how.
āYouāve never been too much, love. Itās okay to feel lonely at times, to feel more comfortable with certain people than others. Thatās why I and your closest friends are here, and Iām sure theyād say the same. We love you both when youāre quiet and more reserved, and when you can barely contain your excitement over wanting to share something.ā
A hiccup escaped me at that, and I just knew Iād tainted his t-shirt, terribly so.
āBut youāre busy and stressed, and also have to take care of the boys besides yourself. I donātāI donāt want to add onto that by being clingy. I hate that I feel the need to do so.ā
āYou wouldnāt, my love. Never. But to make you feel better, how about Iāll put my phone on donāt disturb when Iām busy, hm? Then you can message me whenever you want, and when Iām free, Iāll reply shortly. Would that make you feel better?ā
I nodded into his shirt, although that solution was a mere bandage to an open wound. Blood kept gushing from it as the plaster could do nothing against its force, only time and self-reflection able to heal it, if anything.
My knuckles turned white from the force I held onto him, greedily basking in his warmth despite knowing I shouldnāt.
āPlease donāt ever keep it in if you ever feel like this again. Iām always there for you, my love, always. And you should know by now, silly,ā ā his voice gained a certain lightness to it, desperately hoping to lift this heavy atmosphere in the room ā āI love nothing more than taking care of the boys, taking care of you. Itās what drives me to be better, to always be there for you in case of anything.ā
His lips pressed into the crown of my head, sending warmth gently crawling down my spine, easing the knots in my stomach and the tense state of my muscles.
āYou give so much yet ask for nothing, deriving yourself of even your basic needs.ā
āPerhaps thatās why Seungminnie said youāre dating a version of yourself.ā
A chuckle blossomed in Chanās chest at that, brief but sincere all the same. I smiled at the sound, unable to keep it in when it was one of my favourites.
āCan we stay like this for a little bit longer?ā
āAlways, my love. Always.ā
summary: Loneliness is a silent killer, although when you notice its presence, you almost run into its blade willingly, had it not been for Chan to save you from yourself.
a/n: I know. Chan again. I apologise but he is my comfort place, in a sense.
ā³ Main Masterlist
All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!
It was supposed to be a normal day, like any other, yet the weight in my chest only proved me wrong. It settled over me like a veilā, no, like chains, dragging me down to the bottom of the sea. Darkness enveloped me now, both in mind and in body, form hidden beneath the thick layer of my blanket. Even its fuzzy texture and soft fibres couldnāt comfort me, something I had thought impossible before.
Now, it was my reality.
I had woken up like usual, left alone in the shared apartment of my significant other. He worked hard, far harder than anyone Iād ever known, passionate about his job to a degree I could only ever hope to understand. My own work was remote, not needing me to leave the house much, if at all. Still, that had never stopped him from leaving me a message on my phone, always leading to us chatting until he got back home.
Until those messages had turned more and more sparse, comeback season having kept him understandably busy. It had always been a stressful season for him and the entire team, a fact I understood without a doubt.
Yet, on this particular day, a realisation had dawned on me: I relied on him too much.
For so long ā practically between comeback seasons ā we spent our days together, may that be through phone or not. And as he now worked away in his studio, far too busy to check my message, Iād realised how empty I felt. How my days were spent waiting for a notification, my heart caring too much about one person.
Talking with others didnāt feel the same, or at least those who understood me to a similar degree to him were just as busy, if somehow not more. Iād become isolated in this place, a prison of my own doing.
How I despised my heart for choosing who to trust the most, who to run to for attention when possible, like a touch-starved dog begging for headpats.
It was what had driven me beneath my blanket, curled up until my joints shifted and bones creaked, entirely too weakly body groaning in protest. I understood why it was screaming at me as it was I who had decided to lay there for hours, unmoving, on the verge of tears yet not quite letting them fall. Every single time my thoughts took a turn and over-analysed another interaction with someone, with him, my eyes turned glossy, imprisoning those crystalline droplets like my thoughts had imprisoned me.
I couldnāt believe how clingy I had become, how deeply it was embedded into my nature despite my endless tries to get rid of it, ever since I was a child. No human being could ever possibly give me this much of their attention, no matter how they said it was fine, as it was physically impossible.
Iād been hurt by those promises too much in the past to believe them again.
Yet, even now, I kept listening, breath stilling just so I could hear the soft buzzing of my phone: the telltale sign of a notification. None came, however, and I was left only feeling worse, like a leech that had somehow managed to deceive those around it. They hadnāt signed up for someone like me upon the beginning of our friendships; nobody would have expected to suddenly get a friend who needed attention practically all day and week.
My body shivered and I only curled up tighter, the day now gone with me having done nothing at all. No chores, no hobbies, nothing. I was lucky enough to have had today off work-wise, although perhaps it would have taken my mind off of this thing.
I wasnāt sure, although I would have had this realisation sooner or later anyway.
The lock turned and I froze, body straining to check my phone for a time. The sudden light blinded me and yet I powered through it, burning eyes confirming my suspicions: it was far too early for Chan to be home.
His steps had already halted somewhere in the living room, voice laced with worry as he called out to me. It was enough for me to know that I would be caught had I gone out to greet him, nowhere near a state stable enough to pretend I was fine. My glossy eyes only watered more from having checked my phone, sensitive to the bright light after being in the darkness for so long.
The door slowly creaked open and light poured in from behind me, yet I remained still, hoping heād think I was asleep. It was strange enough I hadnāt greeted him back, tall form laden with comfy clothes and waddling out to greet him with an all-encompassing hug.
Now he only got a small lump under a blanket, still and unresponsive.
His voice was quiet as he called out to me again, gentle, as if speaking any louder would shatter me. The hand that now caressed my shoulder was equally gentle, if not more, careful to not put any pressure on me. Despite that I didnāt move, mindful of my breathing and keeping it steady.
āWhatās wrong, love?ā
Apparently I was much too late to pretend I was fine, easy to read like an open book.
āAre you having a bad day mentally, or physically?ā ā he tried again, that beautiful voice even more tender, just for my sake.
I shifted then, curling up even tighter, if possible, yet it wasnāt enough to break the connection we had. Chanās hand remained firm on my shoulder, as if it was written in the fabric of reality to be so.
āHow did you know?ā ā my voice was small, too small, yet he didnāt comment on it.
āYou only ever do this when somethingās wrong. Besides, this is your comfort blanket, love. You use it when you want to feel cosy and whenever youāre in need of a hug. Donāt shut me out, please? Weāve talked about this. Let me hug you, let me take care of you.ā
His words were met with silence, although my lower lip was trembling as the coil within my chest was wound too tight now. He didnāt see it, of course not, it was physically impossible. Iād positioned myself to not be seen, ashamed of myself and who Iād become, who I truly was.
The hold on my shoulder tightened ever so slightly, worry no doubt coursing through Chanās veins at my lack of response. It was extremely rare for one of us to do this, to go completely silent; weād laid down some rules in our relationship long ago, just so there wouldnāt be any hurt feelings over misunderstandings. But I couldnāt speak now.
Not when doing so would break the dam inside my heart, letting everything ugly Iād kept inside spill out and taint this wonderful person.
Chan didnāt speak again as he instead let his actions do all the talking, the bed dipping behind me as he laid down. I wasnāt engulfed and I wasnāt moved; he simply had that hand on my arm now, thumb going back and forth in a comforting motion I didnāt deserve. He didnāt know how it only made me feel worse, to receive comfort when I was the one supposed to be giving it.
To be so weak and dependent on someone who was already dealing with too many things, it disgusted me.
I disgusted myself.
I wasnāt sure how long we had remained like that, just him quietly laying behind me as I fought against my tears. Eventually I failed, the droplets spilling forth and leaving behind glistening trails on my skin. A soft sniffle escaped me without my consent, causing the hold on my arm to tighten, yet Chan never pressed for a response or explanation.
He knew it wouldnāt work, knew it would only cause me to shut myself off.
Instead the sheets rustled as I moved sluggishly, limbs aching and joints popping. I could already see the grimace on his face at the sounds, knowing not all were natural but due to the state of my withering body. No matter, it wasnāt important right now.
āChannie, be honest. Am I too much?ā
I watched as his expression shifted, eyes wide and mouth agape in shock. He probably didnāt expect such a question without warning, although to me, its presence made complete sense. This gaping emptiness in my chest perhaps hadnāt formed today, but I finally noticed it and things couldnāt stay the same. Not anymore.
I couldnāt keep being this dependent on a few people, on him all alone.
āWhat? Where did you even get this idea? Of course youāre not. Youāre my baby, my love, my everything. Did someone comment something like this again?ā ā his voice was rushed, firm, as if in a race to reassure me.
I shook my head, denying his claims.
āThen what happened? Where did you get that stupid idea from?ā
My eyes momentarily closed as his hand slid up to my face, wiping a few tears away, only to have more in their wake. He didnāt stop though and instead lingered there, the missed warmth of his hand slowing the dropletsā descent.
āI just realised some things now that youāre busy. Nobody said anything to me.ā
Those warm orbs twisted at my words, turning darker and pained. Both his hands held my face now and with so much affection I felt like I was robbing the man, feeling a twist in my stomach at just how worried he seemed now.
āAnd what did you realise?ā ā his voice was smaller this time, as if afraid to ask, to know.
A deep inhale expanded my chest forcefully, yet once again not enough to sever our bond. His hands remained firmly in place, thumbs catching my ever-falling tears, causing my chest to tighten impossibly more. The ends of my lips dipped the moment I could feel the dam cracking within my heart, within my soul, disgusting tar and sewage leaking out through the thin openings.
And he stood at its foot, arms open, ready to let it wash over him.
āHow can you tolerate me? I yap and whine a lot, even when I know youāre busy and stressed. Even now, I should be the one comforting you and yet here I am, breaking down, again. This isnāt fair towards you, to have someone so demanding as me as your partner. Or as someone in your life in general. Iām clingy and can easily overthink things, needing constant reassurance that nobody has the fucking time or energy to give. Of course they donāt, itās physically impossible, so why? Why do you look at me like this, as if seeing me in pain hurts you?ā ā my voice died near the end, cracking from the unbearable weight of my emotions.
Chan didnāt hesitate.
Steady arms pulled me close and buried me into his chest, as if he was openly offering the place for me to live. His heart beat strongly in its cage, and I didnāt doubt that he would have scooted it away just to give me space there. It was such a Chan thing to do, to give without needing anything back and it only drove that self-inflicted knife deeper into my own chest.
āThatās not true. Maybe you donāt believe me right now, but none of what you said is true.ā
His hold on me only tightened as he muttered those words into my hair, holding me so tight it felt as if he thought I would disappear otherwise.
āFirst of all, you take care of me plenty, my love. You always check in on me, leave me something each day to enjoy. Sometimes itās a small note with a doodle and a short, but sweet message on it, other times itās some cookies I can take in and eat with the boys. Just the other night you held me like this, lulling me to sleep with your gentle touches and humming.ā
A violent sob tore itself out of me at that, two sides of my mind warring against each other. One wanted to believe Chanās words, that I had some worth and wasnāt just some greedy bastard, while the other was incapable of accepting such things. They fought against each other in a violent battle, rendering me a sobbing mess in someoneās arms who I didnāt even think I was deserving of.
Yet, Chanās arms remained around me, as if saying āYou do deserve itā.
āSecondly, you always do your best to respect my space out of your own volition. Iāve never had to ask for it, because whenever you know Iām at work or stressed, you keep to yourself a bit. Only when I replied or Iām obviously free do you bombard me with messages or cutely start rambling about a new hyperfixation of yours. And I love it when you do that. I love seeing you be so excited about something that you nearly burst at the seams, and even be more excited to tell me about it.ā ā his voice was tender, so sure in itself even in its wavering state.
I didnāt react, overwhelmed by the emotions wrecking my body from the inside, despicable and ugly.
Yet, he still loved me like this, and I couldnāt understand how.
āYouāve never been too much, love. Itās okay to feel lonely at times, to feel more comfortable with certain people than others. Thatās why I and your closest friends are here, and Iām sure theyād say the same. We love you both when youāre quiet and more reserved, and when you can barely contain your excitement over wanting to share something.ā
A hiccup escaped me at that, and I just knew Iād tainted his t-shirt, terribly so.
āBut youāre busy and stressed, and also have to take care of the boys besides yourself. I donātāI donāt want to add onto that by being clingy. I hate that I feel the need to do so.ā
āYou wouldnāt, my love. Never. But to make you feel better, how about Iāll put my phone on donāt disturb when Iām busy, hm? Then you can message me whenever you want, and when Iām free, Iāll reply shortly. Would that make you feel better?ā
I nodded into his shirt, although that solution was a mere bandage to an open wound. Blood kept gushing from it as the plaster could do nothing against its force, only time and self-reflection able to heal it, if anything.
My knuckles turned white from the force I held onto him, greedily basking in his warmth despite knowing I shouldnāt.
āPlease donāt ever keep it in if you ever feel like this again. Iām always there for you, my love, always. And you should know by now, silly,ā ā his voice gained a certain lightness to it, desperately hoping to lift this heavy atmosphere in the room ā āI love nothing more than taking care of the boys, taking care of you. Itās what drives me to be better, to always be there for you in case of anything.ā
His lips pressed into the crown of my head, sending warmth gently crawling down my spine, easing the knots in my stomach and the tense state of my muscles.
āYou give so much yet ask for nothing, deriving yourself of even your basic needs.ā
āPerhaps thatās why Seungminnie said youāre dating a version of yourself.ā
A chuckle blossomed in Chanās chest at that, brief but sincere all the same. I smiled at the sound, unable to keep it in when it was one of my favourites.
āCan we stay like this for a little bit longer?ā
āAlways, my love. Always.ā
I'm happy that my writing could offer you some solace. It is why I published it, after all. And perhaps one day we will all get someone like Chan to help us in times like these, but until then, we will continue seeking comfort in fantasies and written words.
warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing
word count: ~1.3k
summary: Your relationship with your otherworldly boyfriend has reached a point of no return, something you embrace with open arms.
a/n: I blame @writingforstraykids for this, again, as she made me watch Railway and reignite my love for vampire AUs, even though I'm still deeply buried in my werewolf brainrot. So take this thing I wrote at 2 am in a delirious haze, that song blasted into my ears directly with such force I now have the lyrics engraved into my brain.
ā³ Main Masterlist
All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!
Fascination had always driven me as I lived my life, surroundings endlessly housing something interesting enough for me to poke at, to unravel it and see how it ticked. Never once did I harm something in the process though, tenderly handling each animal as I observed them, always told I look like a child on Christmas night with the nebula of stars that had crawled into my eyes.
Heād said the same thing the first time we had met, truly met, real identity revealed for me to know. It had been a huge step in the connection we had shared, and it had only deepened this endless love I harboured for the man.
His smile alone was enough to lighten my day, sharp canines glinting in the light and yet I only found them all the more endearing, a fact heād never failed to point out with the most love-sick expression I had ever seen.
It was a casual night when heād beckoned me over to the couch where he sat, pulling my taller form down into his lap easily. With one hand on one of my knees and the other on the small of my back, he stared up into my surprised eyes, only chuckling at my reaction with that stupidly attractive dimpled smile of his.
āDid you know, love, that those silly stories about vampires arenāt all wrong?ā - he started, immediately gaining my full attention. His smile only grew as he knew what buttons to push to earn it this fast, knowing me more than I knew myself at this point.
Being together for a few years granted that advantage to a person.
āWhat did you guys call it? Soulmates, I think? We do have that, or something similar at least. Itās a pull towards the one person we are connected to for eternity, unable to ignore or ever get rid of it. Theyāre the other halves of our souls we had lost in the afterlife, carved apart for having chosen immortality.ā
His gaze never once wandered from me and I relished in it, drinking it all in like a starved animal. Every word was etched into my brain and I leaned closer, one hand carefully reaching up to cup Chanās face. He leaned into my touch as my thumb caressed the skin residing underneath those bright, wine red and hauntingly white orbs, their shine temporarily hidden as he closed them in bliss.
āYouāre my other half, my love. Knew it the moment our eyes met, the moment you didnāt run away when I revealed my true nature and instead looked at me with more love.ā
His whispered words clearly rang inside my head despite the intense focus I had over his features, getting lost in his stare. It was as if he was worshipping me, memorising every little feature of my face, of my presence itself.
I didnāt move away when he leaned in, our lips sealed together, a rare act from someone as reserved as me. The hold he had on me only tightened and it told me everything I needed to know, his appreciation for this unique moment shared with me through our fleeting kiss.
āI want to share eternity with you, baby. Want to have you by my side forever, watch every sunset together until the universe itself ends.ā
His words, albeit as cheesy as they could be, only spurred this burning feeling inside my chest that sparked from nothing. No, not nothing. It was created by that loving look in his eyes, the one that craved me in every possible way; both in body and in mind.
My limbs moved before I could even think about a coherent reply, weight shifting as our legs were now pressed close together, bodies facing each other. His face, the one that never once turned away from me, was framed by both my hands and he acted as if he wanted nothing less than that.
It was as if he wanted his entire body to be framed by my presence itself, so enamoured with me it hurt to witness.
A thumb gently pushed at his lips until his jaw opened slightly, sharp canine revealed and glinting in the vermillion liquid I coated it with. The wound on my finger stung and yet I could care less, much too focused on the man in front of me, the one my heart beat for with all its stubborn might.
His pupils widened the moment my blood hit his tongue, the only answer he needed before he spurred into action.
The inferno inside me only burned brighter when he picked me up, not strained by my weight at all. And as he carried me away, tenderly placing me onto our shared bed, I understood what he meant by that pulling feeling. It laid beneath that raging fire, overshadowed by its sudden and unusual appearance.
Despite that, it remained firmly in its place, so tied to Chanās presence that living without the man caused my heart to nearly stop beating.
As if heād heard my heart skipping a beat he moved, so close I could feel the chill from every inch of his skin that covered his dead body. His lips ghosted over my heated skin as he trapped me beneath himself, trailing along the veins pulsing just beneath my skin, hidden to us, mere humans, yet oh so obvious to his kind. It had always fascinated me how he could see them so well, so easily, yet I had only gotten a chuckle and a teasing answer whenever Iād asked, hiding his secrets away from me.
This time that same question couldnāt even leave my lips as he devoted every little touch to me and only me, his reverence so strong I could hear their words even without a single sound.
Fangs grazed my neck and goosebumps covered my skin, a little kiss my comfort the moment he noticed it. Despite that he continued, gazing up at me one final time, allowing me to see those irresistible depths turn brighter; vermillion mixed with burgundy while the whites shifted, painting my sight with endless mismatched roses swaying in the wind.
The pull inside me strengthened and the flower fields were disturbed, gentle swaying now turning violent, yet never once harming me with a single thorn.
His lips kissed the side of my neck and the muscles hidden beneath jumped at the sudden contact, the gentle action broken by sharp pain and the feeling of loss. My hands encircled him and travelled into his divine bangs, only turning them messier with each audible gulp he took.
Never once did fear take root inside my chest, my loverās actions so gentle they felt nothing less than a ritual of worship, of devotion, only meant for me to bear witness to.
And as the world started growing dark, vision wavering and hold turning weak, those lips I knew oh so well left my neck, leaving a tiny lick and a kiss before familiar eyes met mine. He hovered above me like that, hand going up to cup my cheek as I stared at him, at those wonderful rose fields, and his expression only turned more loving in return, if possible at all.
Those endlessly starving orbs were the last thing I saw before my eyes fluttered closed, unable to keep myself awake with the sudden wave of exhaustion that swept over me. I didnāt realise how much heād drank, just how much he had truly taken in such a short amount of time, and yet I trusted him completely even on deathās door.
The taste of iron lingered on my tongue as something dripped into my mouth, fingers careful as they pushed my lips open forcefully. It dripped down my throat and my body automatically took it in, as if embracing a missing piece I didnāt even know was needed.
Chilled air hit the shell of my ear as Chan leaned closer, the liquid fusing with my soul itself and stirring awake something I had long lost.
āWake up, love, the nightās only just begun.ā
Sona dear, you're fine, haha. Never late for anything, at least not in my eyes.
Also thank you, but I want you guys to know that the part that writes these is not me. Like how there is sweet Channie and then there is that flirting menace Christopher in the same body.
warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing
word count: ~1.3k
summary: Your relationship with your otherworldly boyfriend has reached a point of no return, something you embrace with open arms.
a/n: I blame @writingforstraykids for this, again, as she made me watch Railway and reignite my love for vampire AUs, even though I'm still deeply buried in my werewolf brainrot. So take this thing I wrote at 2 am in a delirious haze, that song blasted into my ears directly with such force I now have the lyrics engraved into my brain.
ā³ Main Masterlist
All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!
Fascination had always driven me as I lived my life, surroundings endlessly housing something interesting enough for me to poke at, to unravel it and see how it ticked. Never once did I harm something in the process though, tenderly handling each animal as I observed them, always told I look like a child on Christmas night with the nebula of stars that had crawled into my eyes.
Heād said the same thing the first time we had met, truly met, real identity revealed for me to know. It had been a huge step in the connection we had shared, and it had only deepened this endless love I harboured for the man.
His smile alone was enough to lighten my day, sharp canines glinting in the light and yet I only found them all the more endearing, a fact heād never failed to point out with the most love-sick expression I had ever seen.
It was a casual night when heād beckoned me over to the couch where he sat, pulling my taller form down into his lap easily. With one hand on one of my knees and the other on the small of my back, he stared up into my surprised eyes, only chuckling at my reaction with that stupidly attractive dimpled smile of his.
āDid you know, love, that those silly stories about vampires arenāt all wrong?ā - he started, immediately gaining my full attention. His smile only grew as he knew what buttons to push to earn it this fast, knowing me more than I knew myself at this point.
Being together for a few years granted that advantage to a person.
āWhat did you guys call it? Soulmates, I think? We do have that, or something similar at least. Itās a pull towards the one person we are connected to for eternity, unable to ignore or ever get rid of it. Theyāre the other halves of our souls we had lost in the afterlife, carved apart for having chosen immortality.ā
His gaze never once wandered from me and I relished in it, drinking it all in like a starved animal. Every word was etched into my brain and I leaned closer, one hand carefully reaching up to cup Chanās face. He leaned into my touch as my thumb caressed the skin residing underneath those bright, wine red and hauntingly white orbs, their shine temporarily hidden as he closed them in bliss.
āYouāre my other half, my love. Knew it the moment our eyes met, the moment you didnāt run away when I revealed my true nature and instead looked at me with more love.ā
His whispered words clearly rang inside my head despite the intense focus I had over his features, getting lost in his stare. It was as if he was worshipping me, memorising every little feature of my face, of my presence itself.
I didnāt move away when he leaned in, our lips sealed together, a rare act from someone as reserved as me. The hold he had on me only tightened and it told me everything I needed to know, his appreciation for this unique moment shared with me through our fleeting kiss.
āI want to share eternity with you, baby. Want to have you by my side forever, watch every sunset together until the universe itself ends.ā
His words, albeit as cheesy as they could be, only spurred this burning feeling inside my chest that sparked from nothing. No, not nothing. It was created by that loving look in his eyes, the one that craved me in every possible way; both in body and in mind.
My limbs moved before I could even think about a coherent reply, weight shifting as our legs were now pressed close together, bodies facing each other. His face, the one that never once turned away from me, was framed by both my hands and he acted as if he wanted nothing less than that.
It was as if he wanted his entire body to be framed by my presence itself, so enamoured with me it hurt to witness.
A thumb gently pushed at his lips until his jaw opened slightly, sharp canine revealed and glinting in the vermillion liquid I coated it with. The wound on my finger stung and yet I could care less, much too focused on the man in front of me, the one my heart beat for with all its stubborn might.
His pupils widened the moment my blood hit his tongue, the only answer he needed before he spurred into action.
The inferno inside me only burned brighter when he picked me up, not strained by my weight at all. And as he carried me away, tenderly placing me onto our shared bed, I understood what he meant by that pulling feeling. It laid beneath that raging fire, overshadowed by its sudden and unusual appearance.
Despite that, it remained firmly in its place, so tied to Chanās presence that living without the man caused my heart to nearly stop beating.
As if heād heard my heart skipping a beat he moved, so close I could feel the chill from every inch of his skin that covered his dead body. His lips ghosted over my heated skin as he trapped me beneath himself, trailing along the veins pulsing just beneath my skin, hidden to us, mere humans, yet oh so obvious to his kind. It had always fascinated me how he could see them so well, so easily, yet I had only gotten a chuckle and a teasing answer whenever Iād asked, hiding his secrets away from me.
This time that same question couldnāt even leave my lips as he devoted every little touch to me and only me, his reverence so strong I could hear their words even without a single sound.
Fangs grazed my neck and goosebumps covered my skin, a little kiss my comfort the moment he noticed it. Despite that he continued, gazing up at me one final time, allowing me to see those irresistible depths turn brighter; vermillion mixed with burgundy while the whites shifted, painting my sight with endless mismatched roses swaying in the wind.
The pull inside me strengthened and the flower fields were disturbed, gentle swaying now turning violent, yet never once harming me with a single thorn.
His lips kissed the side of my neck and the muscles hidden beneath jumped at the sudden contact, the gentle action broken by sharp pain and the feeling of loss. My hands encircled him and travelled into his divine bangs, only turning them messier with each audible gulp he took.
Never once did fear take root inside my chest, my loverās actions so gentle they felt nothing less than a ritual of worship, of devotion, only meant for me to bear witness to.
And as the world started growing dark, vision wavering and hold turning weak, those lips I knew oh so well left my neck, leaving a tiny lick and a kiss before familiar eyes met mine. He hovered above me like that, hand going up to cup my cheek as I stared at him, at those wonderful rose fields, and his expression only turned more loving in return, if possible at all.
Those endlessly starving orbs were the last thing I saw before my eyes fluttered closed, unable to keep myself awake with the sudden wave of exhaustion that swept over me. I didnāt realise how much heād drank, just how much he had truly taken in such a short amount of time, and yet I trusted him completely even on deathās door.
The taste of iron lingered on my tongue as something dripped into my mouth, fingers careful as they pushed my lips open forcefully. It dripped down my throat and my body automatically took it in, as if embracing a missing piece I didnāt even know was needed.
Chilled air hit the shell of my ear as Chan leaned closer, the liquid fusing with my soul itself and stirring awake something I had long lost.
āWake up, love, the nightās only just begun.ā
I certainly hope you remembered how to breathe, but also thank you for liking it so much! I would offer to write more for this, but it would definitely not have this tone in the long run, haha.
warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing
word count: ~1.3k
summary: Your relationship with your otherworldly boyfriend has reached a point of no return, something you embrace with open arms.
a/n: I blame @writingforstraykids for this, again, as she made me watch Railway and reignite my love for vampire AUs, even though I'm still deeply buried in my werewolf brainrot. So take this thing I wrote at 2 am in a delirious haze, that song blasted into my ears directly with such force I now have the lyrics engraved into my brain.
ā³ Main Masterlist
All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!
Fascination had always driven me as I lived my life, surroundings endlessly housing something interesting enough for me to poke at, to unravel it and see how it ticked. Never once did I harm something in the process though, tenderly handling each animal as I observed them, always told I look like a child on Christmas night with the nebula of stars that had crawled into my eyes.
Heād said the same thing the first time we had met, truly met, real identity revealed for me to know. It had been a huge step in the connection we had shared, and it had only deepened this endless love I harboured for the man.
His smile alone was enough to lighten my day, sharp canines glinting in the light and yet I only found them all the more endearing, a fact heād never failed to point out with the most love-sick expression I had ever seen.
It was a casual night when heād beckoned me over to the couch where he sat, pulling my taller form down into his lap easily. With one hand on one of my knees and the other on the small of my back, he stared up into my surprised eyes, only chuckling at my reaction with that stupidly attractive dimpled smile of his.
āDid you know, love, that those silly stories about vampires arenāt all wrong?ā - he started, immediately gaining my full attention. His smile only grew as he knew what buttons to push to earn it this fast, knowing me more than I knew myself at this point.
Being together for a few years granted that advantage to a person.
āWhat did you guys call it? Soulmates, I think? We do have that, or something similar at least. Itās a pull towards the one person we are connected to for eternity, unable to ignore or ever get rid of it. Theyāre the other halves of our souls we had lost in the afterlife, carved apart for having chosen immortality.ā
His gaze never once wandered from me and I relished in it, drinking it all in like a starved animal. Every word was etched into my brain and I leaned closer, one hand carefully reaching up to cup Chanās face. He leaned into my touch as my thumb caressed the skin residing underneath those bright, wine red and hauntingly white orbs, their shine temporarily hidden as he closed them in bliss.
āYouāre my other half, my love. Knew it the moment our eyes met, the moment you didnāt run away when I revealed my true nature and instead looked at me with more love.ā
His whispered words clearly rang inside my head despite the intense focus I had over his features, getting lost in his stare. It was as if he was worshipping me, memorising every little feature of my face, of my presence itself.
I didnāt move away when he leaned in, our lips sealed together, a rare act from someone as reserved as me. The hold he had on me only tightened and it told me everything I needed to know, his appreciation for this unique moment shared with me through our fleeting kiss.
āI want to share eternity with you, baby. Want to have you by my side forever, watch every sunset together until the universe itself ends.ā
His words, albeit as cheesy as they could be, only spurred this burning feeling inside my chest that sparked from nothing. No, not nothing. It was created by that loving look in his eyes, the one that craved me in every possible way; both in body and in mind.
My limbs moved before I could even think about a coherent reply, weight shifting as our legs were now pressed close together, bodies facing each other. His face, the one that never once turned away from me, was framed by both my hands and he acted as if he wanted nothing less than that.
It was as if he wanted his entire body to be framed by my presence itself, so enamoured with me it hurt to witness.
A thumb gently pushed at his lips until his jaw opened slightly, sharp canine revealed and glinting in the vermillion liquid I coated it with. The wound on my finger stung and yet I could care less, much too focused on the man in front of me, the one my heart beat for with all its stubborn might.
His pupils widened the moment my blood hit his tongue, the only answer he needed before he spurred into action.
The inferno inside me only burned brighter when he picked me up, not strained by my weight at all. And as he carried me away, tenderly placing me onto our shared bed, I understood what he meant by that pulling feeling. It laid beneath that raging fire, overshadowed by its sudden and unusual appearance.
Despite that, it remained firmly in its place, so tied to Chanās presence that living without the man caused my heart to nearly stop beating.
As if heād heard my heart skipping a beat he moved, so close I could feel the chill from every inch of his skin that covered his dead body. His lips ghosted over my heated skin as he trapped me beneath himself, trailing along the veins pulsing just beneath my skin, hidden to us, mere humans, yet oh so obvious to his kind. It had always fascinated me how he could see them so well, so easily, yet I had only gotten a chuckle and a teasing answer whenever Iād asked, hiding his secrets away from me.
This time that same question couldnāt even leave my lips as he devoted every little touch to me and only me, his reverence so strong I could hear their words even without a single sound.
Fangs grazed my neck and goosebumps covered my skin, a little kiss my comfort the moment he noticed it. Despite that he continued, gazing up at me one final time, allowing me to see those irresistible depths turn brighter; vermillion mixed with burgundy while the whites shifted, painting my sight with endless mismatched roses swaying in the wind.
The pull inside me strengthened and the flower fields were disturbed, gentle swaying now turning violent, yet never once harming me with a single thorn.
His lips kissed the side of my neck and the muscles hidden beneath jumped at the sudden contact, the gentle action broken by sharp pain and the feeling of loss. My hands encircled him and travelled into his divine bangs, only turning them messier with each audible gulp he took.
Never once did fear take root inside my chest, my loverās actions so gentle they felt nothing less than a ritual of worship, of devotion, only meant for me to bear witness to.
And as the world started growing dark, vision wavering and hold turning weak, those lips I knew oh so well left my neck, leaving a tiny lick and a kiss before familiar eyes met mine. He hovered above me like that, hand going up to cup my cheek as I stared at him, at those wonderful rose fields, and his expression only turned more loving in return, if possible at all.
Those endlessly starving orbs were the last thing I saw before my eyes fluttered closed, unable to keep myself awake with the sudden wave of exhaustion that swept over me. I didnāt realise how much heād drank, just how much he had truly taken in such a short amount of time, and yet I trusted him completely even on deathās door.
The taste of iron lingered on my tongue as something dripped into my mouth, fingers careful as they pushed my lips open forcefully. It dripped down my throat and my body automatically took it in, as if embracing a missing piece I didnāt even know was needed.
Chilled air hit the shell of my ear as Chan leaned closer, the liquid fusing with my soul itself and stirring awake something I had long lost.
āWake up, love, the nightās only just begun.ā
warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing
word count: ~1.3k
summary: Your relationship with your otherworldly boyfriend has reached a point of no return, something you embrace with open arms.
a/n: I blame @writingforstraykids for this, again, as she made me watch Railway and reignite my love for vampire AUs, even though I'm still deeply buried in my werewolf brainrot. So take this thing I wrote at 2 am in a delirious haze, that song blasted into my ears directly with such force I now have the lyrics engraved into my brain.
ā³ Main Masterlist
All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!
Fascination had always driven me as I lived my life, surroundings endlessly housing something interesting enough for me to poke at, to unravel it and see how it ticked. Never once did I harm something in the process though, tenderly handling each animal as I observed them, always told I look like a child on Christmas night with the nebula of stars that had crawled into my eyes.
Heād said the same thing the first time we had met, truly met, real identity revealed for me to know. It had been a huge step in the connection we had shared, and it had only deepened this endless love I harboured for the man.
His smile alone was enough to lighten my day, sharp canines glinting in the light and yet I only found them all the more endearing, a fact heād never failed to point out with the most love-sick expression I had ever seen.
It was a casual night when heād beckoned me over to the couch where he sat, pulling my taller form down into his lap easily. With one hand on one of my knees and the other on the small of my back, he stared up into my surprised eyes, only chuckling at my reaction with that stupidly attractive dimpled smile of his.
āDid you know, love, that those silly stories about vampires arenāt all wrong?ā - he started, immediately gaining my full attention. His smile only grew as he knew what buttons to push to earn it this fast, knowing me more than I knew myself at this point.
Being together for a few years granted that advantage to a person.
āWhat did you guys call it? Soulmates, I think? We do have that, or something similar at least. Itās a pull towards the one person we are connected to for eternity, unable to ignore or ever get rid of it. Theyāre the other halves of our souls we had lost in the afterlife, carved apart for having chosen immortality.ā
His gaze never once wandered from me and I relished in it, drinking it all in like a starved animal. Every word was etched into my brain and I leaned closer, one hand carefully reaching up to cup Chanās face. He leaned into my touch as my thumb caressed the skin residing underneath those bright, wine red and hauntingly white orbs, their shine temporarily hidden as he closed them in bliss.
āYouāre my other half, my love. Knew it the moment our eyes met, the moment you didnāt run away when I revealed my true nature and instead looked at me with more love.ā
His whispered words clearly rang inside my head despite the intense focus I had over his features, getting lost in his stare. It was as if he was worshipping me, memorising every little feature of my face, of my presence itself.
I didnāt move away when he leaned in, our lips sealed together, a rare act from someone as reserved as me. The hold he had on me only tightened and it told me everything I needed to know, his appreciation for this unique moment shared with me through our fleeting kiss.
āI want to share eternity with you, baby. Want to have you by my side forever, watch every sunset together until the universe itself ends.ā
His words, albeit as cheesy as they could be, only spurred this burning feeling inside my chest that sparked from nothing. No, not nothing. It was created by that loving look in his eyes, the one that craved me in every possible way; both in body and in mind.
My limbs moved before I could even think about a coherent reply, weight shifting as our legs were now pressed close together, bodies facing each other. His face, the one that never once turned away from me, was framed by both my hands and he acted as if he wanted nothing less than that.
It was as if he wanted his entire body to be framed by my presence itself, so enamoured with me it hurt to witness.
A thumb gently pushed at his lips until his jaw opened slightly, sharp canine revealed and glinting in the vermillion liquid I coated it with. The wound on my finger stung and yet I could care less, much too focused on the man in front of me, the one my heart beat for with all its stubborn might.
His pupils widened the moment my blood hit his tongue, the only answer he needed before he spurred into action.
The inferno inside me only burned brighter when he picked me up, not strained by my weight at all. And as he carried me away, tenderly placing me onto our shared bed, I understood what he meant by that pulling feeling. It laid beneath that raging fire, overshadowed by its sudden and unusual appearance.
Despite that, it remained firmly in its place, so tied to Chanās presence that living without the man caused my heart to nearly stop beating.
As if heād heard my heart skipping a beat he moved, so close I could feel the chill from every inch of his skin that covered his dead body. His lips ghosted over my heated skin as he trapped me beneath himself, trailing along the veins pulsing just beneath my skin, hidden to us, mere humans, yet oh so obvious to his kind. It had always fascinated me how he could see them so well, so easily, yet I had only gotten a chuckle and a teasing answer whenever Iād asked, hiding his secrets away from me.
This time that same question couldnāt even leave my lips as he devoted every little touch to me and only me, his reverence so strong I could hear their words even without a single sound.
Fangs grazed my neck and goosebumps covered my skin, a little kiss my comfort the moment he noticed it. Despite that he continued, gazing up at me one final time, allowing me to see those irresistible depths turn brighter; vermillion mixed with burgundy while the whites shifted, painting my sight with endless mismatched roses swaying in the wind.
The pull inside me strengthened and the flower fields were disturbed, gentle swaying now turning violent, yet never once harming me with a single thorn.
His lips kissed the side of my neck and the muscles hidden beneath jumped at the sudden contact, the gentle action broken by sharp pain and the feeling of loss. My hands encircled him and travelled into his divine bangs, only turning them messier with each audible gulp he took.
Never once did fear take root inside my chest, my loverās actions so gentle they felt nothing less than a ritual of worship, of devotion, only meant for me to bear witness to.
And as the world started growing dark, vision wavering and hold turning weak, those lips I knew oh so well left my neck, leaving a tiny lick and a kiss before familiar eyes met mine. He hovered above me like that, hand going up to cup my cheek as I stared at him, at those wonderful rose fields, and his expression only turned more loving in return, if possible at all.
Those endlessly starving orbs were the last thing I saw before my eyes fluttered closed, unable to keep myself awake with the sudden wave of exhaustion that swept over me. I didnāt realise how much heād drank, just how much he had truly taken in such a short amount of time, and yet I trusted him completely even on deathās door.
The taste of iron lingered on my tongue as something dripped into my mouth, fingers careful as they pushed my lips open forcefully. It dripped down my throat and my body automatically took it in, as if embracing a missing piece I didnāt even know was needed.
Chilled air hit the shell of my ear as Chan leaned closer, the liquid fusing with my soul itself and stirring awake something I had long lost.
āWake up, love, the nightās only just begun.ā
Finally had the time to read it and omg YESš I love this so much, my dear love! Can't say I'm not proud of dragging you to watch the mv with meš¤š¤ Beautiful, as alwaysš¤š¤
Still hate you for this, Nat. You absolute menace. I guess I can be glad Escape didn't have the same effect on me, huh? Although it did give me a lingering fic series idea...
summary: Loneliness is a silent killer, although when you notice its presence, you almost run into its blade willingly, had it not been for Chan to save you from yourself.
a/n: I know. Chan again. I apologise but he is my comfort place, in a sense.
ā³ Main Masterlist
All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!
It was supposed to be a normal day, like any other, yet the weight in my chest only proved me wrong. It settled over me like a veilā, no, like chains, dragging me down to the bottom of the sea. Darkness enveloped me now, both in mind and in body, form hidden beneath the thick layer of my blanket. Even its fuzzy texture and soft fibres couldnāt comfort me, something I had thought impossible before.
Now, it was my reality.
I had woken up like usual, left alone in the shared apartment of my significant other. He worked hard, far harder than anyone Iād ever known, passionate about his job to a degree I could only ever hope to understand. My own work was remote, not needing me to leave the house much, if at all. Still, that had never stopped him from leaving me a message on my phone, always leading to us chatting until he got back home.
Until those messages had turned more and more sparse, comeback season having kept him understandably busy. It had always been a stressful season for him and the entire team, a fact I understood without a doubt.
Yet, on this particular day, a realisation had dawned on me: I relied on him too much.
For so long ā practically between comeback seasons ā we spent our days together, may that be through phone or not. And as he now worked away in his studio, far too busy to check my message, Iād realised how empty I felt. How my days were spent waiting for a notification, my heart caring too much about one person.
Talking with others didnāt feel the same, or at least those who understood me to a similar degree to him were just as busy, if somehow not more. Iād become isolated in this place, a prison of my own doing.
How I despised my heart for choosing who to trust the most, who to run to for attention when possible, like a touch-starved dog begging for headpats.
It was what had driven me beneath my blanket, curled up until my joints shifted and bones creaked, entirely too weakly body groaning in protest. I understood why it was screaming at me as it was I who had decided to lay there for hours, unmoving, on the verge of tears yet not quite letting them fall. Every single time my thoughts took a turn and over-analysed another interaction with someone, with him, my eyes turned glossy, imprisoning those crystalline droplets like my thoughts had imprisoned me.
I couldnāt believe how clingy I had become, how deeply it was embedded into my nature despite my endless tries to get rid of it, ever since I was a child. No human being could ever possibly give me this much of their attention, no matter how they said it was fine, as it was physically impossible.
Iād been hurt by those promises too much in the past to believe them again.
Yet, even now, I kept listening, breath stilling just so I could hear the soft buzzing of my phone: the telltale sign of a notification. None came, however, and I was left only feeling worse, like a leech that had somehow managed to deceive those around it. They hadnāt signed up for someone like me upon the beginning of our friendships; nobody would have expected to suddenly get a friend who needed attention practically all day and week.
My body shivered and I only curled up tighter, the day now gone with me having done nothing at all. No chores, no hobbies, nothing. I was lucky enough to have had today off work-wise, although perhaps it would have taken my mind off of this thing.
I wasnāt sure, although I would have had this realisation sooner or later anyway.
The lock turned and I froze, body straining to check my phone for a time. The sudden light blinded me and yet I powered through it, burning eyes confirming my suspicions: it was far too early for Chan to be home.
His steps had already halted somewhere in the living room, voice laced with worry as he called out to me. It was enough for me to know that I would be caught had I gone out to greet him, nowhere near a state stable enough to pretend I was fine. My glossy eyes only watered more from having checked my phone, sensitive to the bright light after being in the darkness for so long.
The door slowly creaked open and light poured in from behind me, yet I remained still, hoping heād think I was asleep. It was strange enough I hadnāt greeted him back, tall form laden with comfy clothes and waddling out to greet him with an all-encompassing hug.
Now he only got a small lump under a blanket, still and unresponsive.
His voice was quiet as he called out to me again, gentle, as if speaking any louder would shatter me. The hand that now caressed my shoulder was equally gentle, if not more, careful to not put any pressure on me. Despite that I didnāt move, mindful of my breathing and keeping it steady.
āWhatās wrong, love?ā
Apparently I was much too late to pretend I was fine, easy to read like an open book.
āAre you having a bad day mentally, or physically?ā ā he tried again, that beautiful voice even more tender, just for my sake.
I shifted then, curling up even tighter, if possible, yet it wasnāt enough to break the connection we had. Chanās hand remained firm on my shoulder, as if it was written in the fabric of reality to be so.
āHow did you know?ā ā my voice was small, too small, yet he didnāt comment on it.
āYou only ever do this when somethingās wrong. Besides, this is your comfort blanket, love. You use it when you want to feel cosy and whenever youāre in need of a hug. Donāt shut me out, please? Weāve talked about this. Let me hug you, let me take care of you.ā
His words were met with silence, although my lower lip was trembling as the coil within my chest was wound too tight now. He didnāt see it, of course not, it was physically impossible. Iād positioned myself to not be seen, ashamed of myself and who Iād become, who I truly was.
The hold on my shoulder tightened ever so slightly, worry no doubt coursing through Chanās veins at my lack of response. It was extremely rare for one of us to do this, to go completely silent; weād laid down some rules in our relationship long ago, just so there wouldnāt be any hurt feelings over misunderstandings. But I couldnāt speak now.
Not when doing so would break the dam inside my heart, letting everything ugly Iād kept inside spill out and taint this wonderful person.
Chan didnāt speak again as he instead let his actions do all the talking, the bed dipping behind me as he laid down. I wasnāt engulfed and I wasnāt moved; he simply had that hand on my arm now, thumb going back and forth in a comforting motion I didnāt deserve. He didnāt know how it only made me feel worse, to receive comfort when I was the one supposed to be giving it.
To be so weak and dependent on someone who was already dealing with too many things, it disgusted me.
I disgusted myself.
I wasnāt sure how long we had remained like that, just him quietly laying behind me as I fought against my tears. Eventually I failed, the droplets spilling forth and leaving behind glistening trails on my skin. A soft sniffle escaped me without my consent, causing the hold on my arm to tighten, yet Chan never pressed for a response or explanation.
He knew it wouldnāt work, knew it would only cause me to shut myself off.
Instead the sheets rustled as I moved sluggishly, limbs aching and joints popping. I could already see the grimace on his face at the sounds, knowing not all were natural but due to the state of my withering body. No matter, it wasnāt important right now.
āChannie, be honest. Am I too much?ā
I watched as his expression shifted, eyes wide and mouth agape in shock. He probably didnāt expect such a question without warning, although to me, its presence made complete sense. This gaping emptiness in my chest perhaps hadnāt formed today, but I finally noticed it and things couldnāt stay the same. Not anymore.
I couldnāt keep being this dependent on a few people, on him all alone.
āWhat? Where did you even get this idea? Of course youāre not. Youāre my baby, my love, my everything. Did someone comment something like this again?ā ā his voice was rushed, firm, as if in a race to reassure me.
I shook my head, denying his claims.
āThen what happened? Where did you get that stupid idea from?ā
My eyes momentarily closed as his hand slid up to my face, wiping a few tears away, only to have more in their wake. He didnāt stop though and instead lingered there, the missed warmth of his hand slowing the dropletsā descent.
āI just realised some things now that youāre busy. Nobody said anything to me.ā
Those warm orbs twisted at my words, turning darker and pained. Both his hands held my face now and with so much affection I felt like I was robbing the man, feeling a twist in my stomach at just how worried he seemed now.
āAnd what did you realise?ā ā his voice was smaller this time, as if afraid to ask, to know.
A deep inhale expanded my chest forcefully, yet once again not enough to sever our bond. His hands remained firmly in place, thumbs catching my ever-falling tears, causing my chest to tighten impossibly more. The ends of my lips dipped the moment I could feel the dam cracking within my heart, within my soul, disgusting tar and sewage leaking out through the thin openings.
And he stood at its foot, arms open, ready to let it wash over him.
āHow can you tolerate me? I yap and whine a lot, even when I know youāre busy and stressed. Even now, I should be the one comforting you and yet here I am, breaking down, again. This isnāt fair towards you, to have someone so demanding as me as your partner. Or as someone in your life in general. Iām clingy and can easily overthink things, needing constant reassurance that nobody has the fucking time or energy to give. Of course they donāt, itās physically impossible, so why? Why do you look at me like this, as if seeing me in pain hurts you?ā ā my voice died near the end, cracking from the unbearable weight of my emotions.
Chan didnāt hesitate.
Steady arms pulled me close and buried me into his chest, as if he was openly offering the place for me to live. His heart beat strongly in its cage, and I didnāt doubt that he would have scooted it away just to give me space there. It was such a Chan thing to do, to give without needing anything back and it only drove that self-inflicted knife deeper into my own chest.
āThatās not true. Maybe you donāt believe me right now, but none of what you said is true.ā
His hold on me only tightened as he muttered those words into my hair, holding me so tight it felt as if he thought I would disappear otherwise.
āFirst of all, you take care of me plenty, my love. You always check in on me, leave me something each day to enjoy. Sometimes itās a small note with a doodle and a short, but sweet message on it, other times itās some cookies I can take in and eat with the boys. Just the other night you held me like this, lulling me to sleep with your gentle touches and humming.ā
A violent sob tore itself out of me at that, two sides of my mind warring against each other. One wanted to believe Chanās words, that I had some worth and wasnāt just some greedy bastard, while the other was incapable of accepting such things. They fought against each other in a violent battle, rendering me a sobbing mess in someoneās arms who I didnāt even think I was deserving of.
Yet, Chanās arms remained around me, as if saying āYou do deserve itā.
āSecondly, you always do your best to respect my space out of your own volition. Iāve never had to ask for it, because whenever you know Iām at work or stressed, you keep to yourself a bit. Only when I replied or Iām obviously free do you bombard me with messages or cutely start rambling about a new hyperfixation of yours. And I love it when you do that. I love seeing you be so excited about something that you nearly burst at the seams, and even be more excited to tell me about it.ā ā his voice was tender, so sure in itself even in its wavering state.
I didnāt react, overwhelmed by the emotions wrecking my body from the inside, despicable and ugly.
Yet, he still loved me like this, and I couldnāt understand how.
āYouāve never been too much, love. Itās okay to feel lonely at times, to feel more comfortable with certain people than others. Thatās why I and your closest friends are here, and Iām sure theyād say the same. We love you both when youāre quiet and more reserved, and when you can barely contain your excitement over wanting to share something.ā
A hiccup escaped me at that, and I just knew Iād tainted his t-shirt, terribly so.
āBut youāre busy and stressed, and also have to take care of the boys besides yourself. I donātāI donāt want to add onto that by being clingy. I hate that I feel the need to do so.ā
āYou wouldnāt, my love. Never. But to make you feel better, how about Iāll put my phone on donāt disturb when Iām busy, hm? Then you can message me whenever you want, and when Iām free, Iāll reply shortly. Would that make you feel better?ā
I nodded into his shirt, although that solution was a mere bandage to an open wound. Blood kept gushing from it as the plaster could do nothing against its force, only time and self-reflection able to heal it, if anything.
My knuckles turned white from the force I held onto him, greedily basking in his warmth despite knowing I shouldnāt.
āPlease donāt ever keep it in if you ever feel like this again. Iām always there for you, my love, always. And you should know by now, silly,ā ā his voice gained a certain lightness to it, desperately hoping to lift this heavy atmosphere in the room ā āI love nothing more than taking care of the boys, taking care of you. Itās what drives me to be better, to always be there for you in case of anything.ā
His lips pressed into the crown of my head, sending warmth gently crawling down my spine, easing the knots in my stomach and the tense state of my muscles.
āYou give so much yet ask for nothing, deriving yourself of even your basic needs.ā
āPerhaps thatās why Seungminnie said youāre dating a version of yourself.ā
A chuckle blossomed in Chanās chest at that, brief but sincere all the same. I smiled at the sound, unable to keep it in when it was one of my favourites.
āCan we stay like this for a little bit longer?ā
āAlways, my love. Always.ā
warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing
word count: ~1.3k
summary: Your relationship with your otherworldly boyfriend has reached a point of no return, something you embrace with open arms.
a/n: I blame @writingforstraykids for this, again, as she made me watch Railway and reignite my love for vampire AUs, even though I'm still deeply buried in my werewolf brainrot. So take this thing I wrote at 2 am in a delirious haze, that song blasted into my ears directly with such force I now have the lyrics engraved into my brain.
ā³ Main Masterlist
All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!
Fascination had always driven me as I lived my life, surroundings endlessly housing something interesting enough for me to poke at, to unravel it and see how it ticked. Never once did I harm something in the process though, tenderly handling each animal as I observed them, always told I look like a child on Christmas night with the nebula of stars that had crawled into my eyes.
Heād said the same thing the first time we had met, truly met, real identity revealed for me to know. It had been a huge step in the connection we had shared, and it had only deepened this endless love I harboured for the man.
His smile alone was enough to lighten my day, sharp canines glinting in the light and yet I only found them all the more endearing, a fact heād never failed to point out with the most love-sick expression I had ever seen.
It was a casual night when heād beckoned me over to the couch where he sat, pulling my taller form down into his lap easily. With one hand on one of my knees and the other on the small of my back, he stared up into my surprised eyes, only chuckling at my reaction with that stupidly attractive dimpled smile of his.
āDid you know, love, that those silly stories about vampires arenāt all wrong?ā - he started, immediately gaining my full attention. His smile only grew as he knew what buttons to push to earn it this fast, knowing me more than I knew myself at this point.
Being together for a few years granted that advantage to a person.
āWhat did you guys call it? Soulmates, I think? We do have that, or something similar at least. Itās a pull towards the one person we are connected to for eternity, unable to ignore or ever get rid of it. Theyāre the other halves of our souls we had lost in the afterlife, carved apart for having chosen immortality.ā
His gaze never once wandered from me and I relished in it, drinking it all in like a starved animal. Every word was etched into my brain and I leaned closer, one hand carefully reaching up to cup Chanās face. He leaned into my touch as my thumb caressed the skin residing underneath those bright, wine red and hauntingly white orbs, their shine temporarily hidden as he closed them in bliss.
āYouāre my other half, my love. Knew it the moment our eyes met, the moment you didnāt run away when I revealed my true nature and instead looked at me with more love.ā
His whispered words clearly rang inside my head despite the intense focus I had over his features, getting lost in his stare. It was as if he was worshipping me, memorising every little feature of my face, of my presence itself.
I didnāt move away when he leaned in, our lips sealed together, a rare act from someone as reserved as me. The hold he had on me only tightened and it told me everything I needed to know, his appreciation for this unique moment shared with me through our fleeting kiss.
āI want to share eternity with you, baby. Want to have you by my side forever, watch every sunset together until the universe itself ends.ā
His words, albeit as cheesy as they could be, only spurred this burning feeling inside my chest that sparked from nothing. No, not nothing. It was created by that loving look in his eyes, the one that craved me in every possible way; both in body and in mind.
My limbs moved before I could even think about a coherent reply, weight shifting as our legs were now pressed close together, bodies facing each other. His face, the one that never once turned away from me, was framed by both my hands and he acted as if he wanted nothing less than that.
It was as if he wanted his entire body to be framed by my presence itself, so enamoured with me it hurt to witness.
A thumb gently pushed at his lips until his jaw opened slightly, sharp canine revealed and glinting in the vermillion liquid I coated it with. The wound on my finger stung and yet I could care less, much too focused on the man in front of me, the one my heart beat for with all its stubborn might.
His pupils widened the moment my blood hit his tongue, the only answer he needed before he spurred into action.
The inferno inside me only burned brighter when he picked me up, not strained by my weight at all. And as he carried me away, tenderly placing me onto our shared bed, I understood what he meant by that pulling feeling. It laid beneath that raging fire, overshadowed by its sudden and unusual appearance.
Despite that, it remained firmly in its place, so tied to Chanās presence that living without the man caused my heart to nearly stop beating.
As if heād heard my heart skipping a beat he moved, so close I could feel the chill from every inch of his skin that covered his dead body. His lips ghosted over my heated skin as he trapped me beneath himself, trailing along the veins pulsing just beneath my skin, hidden to us, mere humans, yet oh so obvious to his kind. It had always fascinated me how he could see them so well, so easily, yet I had only gotten a chuckle and a teasing answer whenever Iād asked, hiding his secrets away from me.
This time that same question couldnāt even leave my lips as he devoted every little touch to me and only me, his reverence so strong I could hear their words even without a single sound.
Fangs grazed my neck and goosebumps covered my skin, a little kiss my comfort the moment he noticed it. Despite that he continued, gazing up at me one final time, allowing me to see those irresistible depths turn brighter; vermillion mixed with burgundy while the whites shifted, painting my sight with endless mismatched roses swaying in the wind.
The pull inside me strengthened and the flower fields were disturbed, gentle swaying now turning violent, yet never once harming me with a single thorn.
His lips kissed the side of my neck and the muscles hidden beneath jumped at the sudden contact, the gentle action broken by sharp pain and the feeling of loss. My hands encircled him and travelled into his divine bangs, only turning them messier with each audible gulp he took.
Never once did fear take root inside my chest, my loverās actions so gentle they felt nothing less than a ritual of worship, of devotion, only meant for me to bear witness to.
And as the world started growing dark, vision wavering and hold turning weak, those lips I knew oh so well left my neck, leaving a tiny lick and a kiss before familiar eyes met mine. He hovered above me like that, hand going up to cup my cheek as I stared at him, at those wonderful rose fields, and his expression only turned more loving in return, if possible at all.
Those endlessly starving orbs were the last thing I saw before my eyes fluttered closed, unable to keep myself awake with the sudden wave of exhaustion that swept over me. I didnāt realise how much heād drank, just how much he had truly taken in such a short amount of time, and yet I trusted him completely even on deathās door.
The taste of iron lingered on my tongue as something dripped into my mouth, fingers careful as they pushed my lips open forcefully. It dripped down my throat and my body automatically took it in, as if embracing a missing piece I didnāt even know was needed.
Chilled air hit the shell of my ear as Chan leaned closer, the liquid fusing with my soul itself and stirring awake something I had long lost.
āWake up, love, the nightās only just begun.ā
warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing
word count: ~1.3k
summary: You're doing an art study on muscles, and who's a better candidate for reference than your wonderful boyfriend who keeps feeding his delulu fanbase with half-naked pictures?
a/n: Well well well, Nat, you don't have to pay to see me write something like this after all (if you will ever see this, because no chance am I tagging you or anyone, dear). Here, have fun, this is the most spice anyone can get out of my asexual ass.
ā³ Main Masterlist
All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!
You were a very reserved person, something your partner knew all too well. Every touch the two of you shared throughout the entirety of your relationship had no heat behind it, each one only fueled by pure adoration and love. Never once did a kiss turn hungry, hell, there had barely been any kisses the two of you had shared due to your lack of need for the action. Chan knew it all too well, and while he craved more, he also respected it. The last thing he wanted to do was to make you uncomfortable, and so heād never stepped over that line.
That was the exact reason for his current shyness, the confusion that wanted to sit onto his face hard to mask. There he stood in your doorway, the desk before your hunched form cluttered with pencils and little crumbs of dirty erasers. You were entirely too focused on the task at hand to notice your boyfriend's presence, the song that flowed through your headphones much too loud to hear any footsteps or even words. And so you continued drawing, clueless about anything as your lover watched you work, eyes flitting between your sketch and the endless reference pictures on your screen.
Pictures about him, his back fully on display and unclothed.
A touch broke you out of your concentration as you erased a line for the fourth time, scaring you into throwing away the pencil in your clutches just so you could tear the headphones off your head.
āInteresting art you have there, love.ā - Chan mused, yet his skin was as flushed as ever.
You joined him as you could feel your own skin heating up, ashamed that youād been caught like this. Eyes looked at everything besides your boyfriend, yet you found comfort in that warm touch of his.
āI was justā¦ doing a study, on muscles.ā - the words were but a mere whisper, hand quickly reaching to minimise your browser and just hide it from a certain pair of prying eyes.
Still, there was a feeling clawing at the cage of your soul, ripping at the flesh to be let out and rampage freely. It was feral and vicious, planting a thought into your head that seemed impossible to get out, no matter how alien it felt. You could feel your breath hitch at the image that popped into your head, memories of the images you had been staring at for a while now overlapping.
The hand on your shoulder gently squeezed, breaking you out of your derailing thoughts.
āI don't mind, baby, it justā¦ caught me off guard? Glad you enjoyed my performances though.ā - Chanās voice was light, mixing well with the shyness he was trying to hide.
It only urged that fierceness inside to break free, granting you a surge of confidence you would have never had otherwise.
Without any words you finally glanced up at the man you loved, finding him utterly handsome; you would hone your artistic skills for the rest of your life just to capture a fragment of that beauty. His skin was dusted with a faint red, ears painted by the deepest of shades. Those eyes you loved to get lost in were alight with an emotion you had seen them only hold whenever he looked at the boys, and it took your breath away within a heartbeat.
Your body moved on its own, towering over him as you now stood. His hair was still slightly wet from the shower he must have just taken, and you just knew he had been originally on his way to his room to swap his bathrobe for those comfy, black clothes he loved to don in his free time.
He searched your gaze, unsure, yet trusting. His hands comfortably placed themselves onto your hips; their touch was warm, the man before you always running hot. It was something you loved as he balanced out your always cold hands wonderfully, reaching the perfect temperature you both enjoyed.
āHey, love. How was work today?ā - you asked, leaning closer than usual as you swiped those dark curls out of Chanās face. He leaned into your touch, eyes closing for a second as he thought about his answer.
āThe usual, although Hyunjin managed to piss off Minho again. It was a shoe this time that was the weapon, by the way.ā - there was an airiness of joy to his words, yet no laugh accompanied it.
No, Chan was entirely too enamoured with the look you were giving him, as if you were worshipping him with your eyes alone. And maybe you were. With each look you studied the way your lover's skin moved, the shadows conforming accordingly. It lured you in, as if Chan was the siren and you were his prey, fated to be drowned in the vast oceans and seas.
He didn't move as you took him all in, hands eventually unable to keep themselves away. Your fingers were cold against the warmth of his fair skin, and you could hear his breath hitch, the muscles inside his neck moving beautifully.
There was something different in your touch, that much he knew, yet he wouldn't have it any other way.
As if you had never seen anything like it before, your hands glided over any free expanse of skin you could reach, memorising how the muscles hidden beneath curved and jumped at your touch. Never once did your eyes stray, wanting to remember every little detail. You wanted your art to be perfect, after all, to represent the real thing as closely as possible and that meant every little detail in their complete glory.
Your eyebrows furrowed as the white robe blocked you off, and so you slightly slid it off from one of Chan's shoulders. His hold on you tightened and you glanced at him briefly, seeing an intensity burning in those dark eyes, one you had never seen before.
You were playing with fire, and you could feel the heat of the danger.
Despite the clear wanting signs, you ignored them much like Icarus, hands now gliding down your lover's arm. Each touch held meaning, praising him in silence, singing odes about this manās beauty. There was something so intriguing about watching the muscles connect to skin and bone, oh so perfectly toned and reacting to every touch of yours.
You stepped even closer, breaths mingling together as you reached into his robe, mapping out the vast skin of your partner's back. Every dip, every rise and imperfection was noted inside your head, the scorching star in Chan's eyes only growing in intensity as time passed. Your eyes flitted between those deadly stars and his neck, seeing it strain, muscles so tight that they jumped out of the skin in that lovely V-shape you could never grow bored of.
Then, as if something snapped, he gripped your waist with incredible force, not giving you a chance to escape. Despite that, no fear took residence inside you, your now warm fingers still laid peacefully on his shoulders.
āAnd what do I owe this extremely special moment to, baby?ā - his words were a deep rumble, eyes begging for an answer with desperation.
āFor being the most beautiful human to grace this planet, my wonderful love. Be my muse, please. Let me draw you, let me study you.ā - you answered, one hand now cupping Chan's cheek tenderly, despite the uniquely heated situation.
As if that was the magic word to undo his binding, your lover moved, hauling your taller form easily onto the bed with him. There you were now, sat on his lap as he looked up at you expectantly, the intensity and love never diminishing in those bright eyes of his. Your sketchbook was still sitting beside you on the bed where you had originally thrown it at, hands itching to take it and immortalise what you had engraved into your mind in the past few minutes.
āI'll be your muse whenever, baby. All you needed to do was ask.ā
