When I Just Need To Vent

Hormones taking me for a wild ride. I need to write it somewhere. WARNING: Self harm, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders/disphoria

[ihatemyselfwhoops]

The Kitchen

Looks of longing

Smiling

A deep warmth in my chest, an intense feeling from long ago, reawakened

Like opening something old and wooden

I cross the room to stand behind you

Swaying and moving together

My hand tracing your sides

My hands tingle as you roll your body back into mine

An intense, sudden and immediate tingling sensation radiating through me

An ache and an urge; needy and desperate; only lasting a second

My hands fly from your sides; guilty guilty guilty

I can’t feel this way, this is WRONG

Not like this, I’m not allowed, this is not how they want to be perceived

I tell you why I needed to back away

I say I liked it too much and that’s the problem

I ask to dance again, knowing the urges in my body would be controlled; I know what to expect now

The damage is done, you’re done, the boundary was crossed

I couldn’t control myself…. It’s all my fault

The one time my feelings for you have come back for just a brief moment, and I ruin everything

Trying to salvage the moment

I go in for a hug from behind

You hear footsteps and you jump away from me…

I sit

Silence follows

Heartache and sadness creep in

This is what we have to show after 7 years together

Shame and humiliation

We…. Are over.

[ihatemyselfwhoops]

I feel so guilty for being turned on by you. For kissing you too passionately or with any sexual inclination if it’s not previously discussed that’s the activity you want to participate in …. Especially after you said you didn’t feel into it that one time and I was…… embarrassingly throwing myself at you…. It took everything I had not to cry when you said you wanted to have sex with me again… well I guess you didn’t say that…. I asked if you wanted to, and you agreed…. And that’s how it always is now… something’s wrong right? It’s been almost 7 years, and you almost never initiate. And in the beginning it was second nature, sometimes we’d kiss and fall asleep, other times we’d kiss and you’d kiss me in the way you knew would start something. Our silent dance of initiation that always worked for you….. until it didn’t. You say to wait, that once we live alone you’ll feel better but I don’t think that’s true. Figuring out you were ACE must have been a relief for you truly…

I think in the beginning of our relationship your unaware undiagnosed autistic ace self thought, this is what people in relationships do. They touch and cuddle and have sex, so this is what I must tolerate and this is the duty I must perform, it’s not unpleasant and I love her so why not you must have thought.

Now that you know about your sensory issues, you don’t like holding my hand for too long, or walking side by side, or cuddling when we sleep (I physically move away from you now when I feel us too close together in bed).

Now that you know that you’re ACE, you’re not forcing or expecting yourself to have sex nearly every night like we used to. Only when I ask and you feel like you have the spoons….

And I know this sounds awful. I can only imagine how this comes across but…..

It’s not just about sex. I want to be with someone who is comfortable with me loving them through sex and is comfortable with me desiring them in that way. It’s a love language, and I think it’s a beautiful one that is no longer being met.

I know we occasionally have sex but, it doesn’t feel the same. And it hasn’t for a long time, and I think that’s why I cry almost every time after we’re finished.

I’m waiting to feel that flutter in my heart, the feeling that our souls are one. The feeling that the love of my life from multiple timelines and multiple lives is laying next to me, so so deep in love with me, and I think I try to force myself to feel that when we have sex now. But it’s so far removed from the unlimited pleasure and feeling I used to experience with you.

Truly, the love in our sex life is gone. We just get off now, and it’s heartbreaking…..

[ihatemyselfwhoops]

We were doing so well….. I thought? Maybe you were just trying to do well for me? Fawning…. Did I take advantage of you? It’s so hard to know. You say one thing but your body language feels so different I don’t know whether I can trust your words. I thought we would be able to trust each other enough to say no, but maybe you’re afraid of losing me…

[girlcherrys]

Lana del Rey

[ihatemyselfwhoops]

If I don’t wake up looking like this tomorrow I’m gonna kms 😬

[darksidemaza]

Me: *feels sick because I don't eat*

Me: *eats something*

Me: *feels sick because I ate*

*feels like crap both ways ✨*

[skinny--bones]

"u know not eating and having an Ed will kill u and make u really sick!" yeah that's the point 😐

[thiin-faiiry]

Its really sad to see so many fatphobic people in the community. Saying fat people are unhealthy and putting down fat people is really wrong. The only difference between overweight people and anorexic people is that one is romanticized and the other isnt. Being anorexic is super unhealthy, stop acting like it isnt. And stop acting like you are better than fat people struggling with their weight.

Let me clarify. EVEN OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE in the community have some fucked up notion in their mind that they are better than fat people without an ed. A lot of people in this community for some reason have something against fat people being happy. EVEN FAT PEOPLE WITH ED’s WATCH AND LOOK AT “FATSPO”.

[robinsmentallyill]

I'm scared to tell my 13 year old self that we didn't make it. And that we're still everything she hates.

She had so much hope.

[monsters-and-mental-illness]

Me

[mybodyprogress2021]

[lifefromthedancefloor-blog]

Counsellor: Are you okay? You’re not going to hurt yourself once I leave?

Me: No -insert fake smile here-

Counsellor: You’re one of the first young people I’ve met whose held it together so well. Your parents shouldn’t be worried at all

Me: -insert fake smile and laugh here-

[emilysbert-blog]

What is the best way to push everyone away before I kill myself so I don’t hurt anyone?

[toastbutteregg]

[danger]

[ihatemyselfwhoops]

Like, I’m tired of asking for it when you know that’s what I want... all you respond is “yeah” then ignore me on your phone and change the subject. But you SWEAR up and down that you want me “just not right now”..... yeah I don’t believe you anymore.... like I really fucking don’t.

[ihatemyselfwhoops]

I just want someone to want to have sex with me and do something about it

[ihatemyselfwhoops]

Finally you’re awake.

I feel like the worst part is, you’re totally fine with what we have going on and I’m not. I’m so tired of making other people happy and not being able to achieve happiness myself. And I’m so tired of feeling guilty for asking about what I want because you already know... you already know and you still CAN’T do it...

How can you make me so HAPPY and be so PERFECT and our sex life and intimate connection be so wrong. It’s not what I want. But the problem is I want you too much to let go just for a good sex life. FUUUUUUUCK. FUCK ME JESUS CHRIST AHHHHHHH!!!! Is this gonna be the rest of my goddamn life. Fuck me..... you know in the beginning I thought we had it all. And now.....

I’m just waiting because it’s only a matter of time. This won’t last.... not like this.