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[iihaaatemyself-blog]

Not living

Is anyone else just existing not living?

The realisation that time is still ticking on existing.

I still hate myself. I hate myself for wanting what I cant have. I hate myself for failing to keep my emotions locked away. 

Why did you push me to be honest?

Why did you turn your back on me?

Do you think that i’m ok? Do you think that I am sound?

This is all because of you. The worst part is that I know you are the one that cares the least.

[iihaaatemyself-blog]

All we had

All we had was one thing and it got taken away. Do you not remember that night? Obviously not in the forefront of your mind. You don't even realise how much I hate myself.

[iihaaatemyself-blog]

Want to cave my skull in

Just so it stops hurting. Just so I won't be jealous anymore. Just so the thoughts leave my mind. Just so I'll sleep forever. Just because when I'm dead I might be good enough. When he stopped calling. When he stopped texting. When he stopped asking. When he stopped caring. The blood runs nice and thick. Surely it's easier to feel the flow and feel better than to torture yourself by trying not to. A constant thought. Always in my mind. I just need a little pick me up. I'm not proud for resisting because it's made me into someone I don't believe I am. I try so so so hard but I don't feel proud.

[iihaaatemyself-blog]

Today

Shit things that happened today.

I organised a meeting, someone else changed its time. It was my meeting.

I walked 3 steps behind two men on a job that I was responsible for but they talk about.

I walked 3 steps behind when we got coffee because they wanted to continue talking.

My meeting that was rearranged to suit someone else, their part took less than 4 minutes to resolve which could have been done over the phone if they spoke to me not a man who doesnt know the job.

I had to listen to how the job i am working on, the reward of a day out is going to a colleague and his wife because they all get along. The colleague doesnt deal with the job, i do.

And I am meant to maintain a neutral, wonderfully happy exterior throughout the day.

I am the invisible woman.

My life is shit.

[iihaaatemyself-blog]

I cant stop comparing myself to her, I've tried and I can't. You don't care do you?

Me.

[iihaaatemyself-blog]

Its 05.22

That is the time that my brain decides, you’ve had enough sleep, I will now fill you with all the worries you can cope with during the day so thus enabling you not to sleep but to think.

I find this most irritating brain. The stupid things that I have forgotten to do at work, the way I have to try and be outstanding because plain old boring me isnt enough to get where I want to go. I think the main cause of this sleepness night might be one person. Not in a good way one person but in a malicious way one person. You get a sense when people dont like you dont you. They make life awkward for you, they report you for things that you dont believe are a problem. I am unsure of what it is that I’ve done but all the same it is not good enough. There is a meeting tomorrow and I know I shall be silent, I shall listen and soak it all up. I am deemed to be stupid because I do not leap in with every comment, I do not feel I must try and prove my worth with loud, unnecessary comments. It is a male world, one which I dont want to be a part of. One I am in so deeply that there is no other way. I have been happy but this latest attack I have deemed deeply unnecessary. What a horrible place this world is if we can make other people suffer like this.

I want to end this with intelligent comment but all I feel I really want to say is what a wanker.

[iihaaatemyself-blog]

It must be me

I can feel a fire in my belly. Its hot and its angry and for some reason it wont just come out as tears. I want to be rational, I really do. But I cant. I want to cry my eyes out, I want to stand on the top of a bridge and look into the water and wonder what it feels like to jump. I feel on edge all the time, the fire comes and goes between wanting to stand on the edge of a bridge to slicing open my skin. Slicing is a good punishment for letting the fire in my tummy get to that point. I have to actively not go mental, I have to watch myself in the mirror and take a massive breath in and out and hope that it will go away.

This is a result of being undermined. People who undermined, do they know they are doing it? Its one upmanship. Its a fight as a woman who works in a very male environment that I cant be bothered to fight anymore, I dont want the glory that they obviously need. Fine...let it go...let it go....let go of it. I used to chase, and look at me now, writing my most ridiculous thoughts on the internet because I cant harvest them anymore.

I feel like I am treated like this is the first time I have ever done anything ever.

I’m 31 years old for fucks sake.

[iihaaatemyself-blog]

Relapse No.2

Is it a relapse when it happens more than once?

I needed to see the blood, the way it beads along a straight time. I needed to know that I was hurting. It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to or as much as I want it to. Have I become more robust? or didn’t I dig as deep as I used to? Something else I am probably not very good at.

Why did I do it? I was upset, I was upset at myself for letting myself get upset so I punished myself. I always feels foolish afterwards, once I have calmed down i feel like a complete lunatic. In the calm, serene aftermath of a good skin slicing I can look at me and not know who I was when I did it. 

Am I mental?

Stupidly the person I am supposed to be closest to avoids me when they see I am upset. no doubt my fault for pushing them away in the past. 

I need a good cry.

I’m sorry.

[iihaaatemyself-blog]

Not me

Its weird because I had to go back and read my last post because I didnt necessarily remember writing it. I know I wrote it but I wasnt clear on the content. What does that mean?

I feel bad because I did relapse, I did sit in front of the mirror with a cloudy head and I did slash my skin until it bled. It’s a bit of a vicious circle really, I worry I cut and then I worry more because I have cut. Weirdly though, i feel calm. I feel more in control than I have felt in the last 2 months and 2 days since I last did it. That’s progress though isn’t it? I need something positive so I am going to focus on how thats the longest period I have gone this year. I thought i was in effect cured?! Can you be cured? I wonder...

[iihaaatemyself-blog]

Trade off

I wanted to write when I felt compelled to cut. I haven’t written because I haven’t felt the urge. I don’t know why I wrote that, its not true. I have felt the urge but I buried it. Tonight I am trying to trade off my feelings of cutting with writing about how I feel. I dont know how I fell. It must be a kind of overwhelmed feeling as it just appears from nowhere. I just want to reach for my scissors and sit cross legged in front of the mirror. I want to look at my stupid ginger face and look into my eyes and see how awful I am. How fat my chin is, how bright my hair is, how odd my eyes are, how saggy my boobs are, how I am not worth anything. I watch the tears roll down my face. I reach around to my bra line and I slash, I feel breathless as I do it, i see the blood spots and its not enough. It never feels enough until i get in a hot shower and I can feel it proudly swelling from where I’ve scratched the surface and drawn blood. When its healed, I think I have moved on from that little dark patch in my day. I like how long it takes to heal, I like that I can feel it with every movement underneath my bra, I like the dried on blood at the end of the day because it reminds me how worthless I am.

[iihaaatemyself-blog]

Harder

Today is harder than I imagined. Harder than I ever contemplated. Coming back from holiday and the one person you’ve thought about the entire time wants nothing to do with you. I ask myself why? I don’t think I did anything. I don’t think that I caused anguish or upset so why not want to talk to me? Why not even a hug? Did i get fat? Has my face changed? I know that I still look at you with the same eyes, I know I still have the same hunger and it hurts so much not knowing where it went, or how it went or even pin point when it went away for you. You just stopped. No explanation, no word. Just gone. My heart hurts uncontrollably. For a self harmer, today is already a struggle. How do you deal with all this emotion and not break your cycle? I want to cry, I cry about having to hurt myself to deal with it. I am too old for this teenage behaviour. People want you to open up, it takes me a long time to open up and then what? You have achieved in me opening up and then the interest is lost? Is that what this was about? I continue to hate myself because who landed me where I am? Me. I am to blame. 

[iihaaatemyself-blog]

Away

I have been away from England for 2 weeks, just a holiday and I thought I felt better, I thought I felt good. I did until I came back to my reality. I feel so controlled by others moods, thoughts, expressions that I really am unsure who I am. I for some reason have no idea how to be just me. I am silent and always let others talk. I listen carefully and am so compelled not to be like them that it silences me. There are a few people I think know this about me, and I believe they use it to their advantage. I feel I am swayed to whatever they want. They want me to laugh I do, they want friendship I give it, they want more than friendship I give that too. At my own expense. What about what I want? How do you get this? How do you tell someone you feel played? Will that be it? The realisation that honestly could mean you lose something or someone you like so much you let them manipulate you to this degree? Life is hard and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm not sure I ever will. I need to find some boundaries that are mine and I feel comfortable with. I have to say I don't think I actually have any at the moment. Another reason to hate myself.

[iihaaatemyself-blog]

Comparison

Do you ever compare yourself to those around you? I have someone who I think I am close to but realistically, would someone who you hold in your heart ever make you feel like you should compare yourself?

Do we all know people who have wives, girlfriends, sisters, brothers that are not just normal people? Who knows a minion? A worker who isnt in charge, someone who isnt selected from a small amount of considered people to take part in something? Who is just getting through life like me? Does my significant other tell everyone he knows that I was one of the only people in the whole of the country to be invited to a meeting that was held by the organisation I work for and i had to attend? Why do we live in a world where we have to glorify everything? Or is it just me who knows someone that is extremely dramatic and reports his significant other is someone who works more than 24 hours a day, achieves higher than an A*, makes anyone who meets her want to propel her into the next pay level because she brought everyone to tears at how wonderful her ideas and thoughts are. My question would really be, if she is that wonderful then surely someone should elect her to run as PM?

Maybe its my jealousy taking over. Maybe I need to be pleased for these supervisors, managers and leaders who are making their spouses so proud. Or perhaps we would like to hear some truth, some fact about how it was just a course, lots of people where there and it wasnt anything special. Surely that would mean anyone, given the opportunity could achieve it.

No we are not all that special.

[iihaaatemyself-blog]

When things took a dramatic turn for the worst I ran away. I went away. I took a holiday. I took off on my own. I booked it Monday and left on Friday. It was empowering. I made friends. I took some time for me. I have never felt so alone in my life. I would do it again.

[iihaaatemyself-blog]

[iihaaatemyself-blog]

I didn’t know..

I wanted to use this site to tell a story, I am hoping that it will release some of my self hatred, of which I am not really too sure where developed from.

I have read a few blogs that glamorise the feelings I have and I dont wish to sound judgemental but why would anyone want to feel this way? Perhaps it is my perception of the writing I have spent hours pouring over in the hope I will find someone who is the same as me.

I have probably felt this way since I can remember, consciously I will say since I was 11 years old. I have always thought that time is a healer and I am sure it is, I dont wish to be like this version of myself forever. What I didnt know was that there are very many versions of me. There is a version of me that I keep hidden, noone knows this version of me, i realise this sounds a little creepy and odd but what I am talking about is the secret depressed version of me. She has as far as I can recall always been there, if this was a cartoon she’d be on my right shoulder dressed head to toe in black. 

I am skipping ahead a few years of my life now just to get out what I mean but my self doubt and hate has been there since I was 11. It is only early this year at the age of 30 I have sought help for this version of myself because she completely took over me. 9 months later and she is more like the version of her I used to see in my late teens and early 20′s. Someone who I was very aware was there but I was able to mask her.

Speaking to a therapist, who still doesnt really know why I am there in front of her every other week tells me that its only people who are strong and cope that eventually crumble. Am i now paying for 19 years of trying to be strong in one hit?! I have a suspicion that this is a version of ‘nits only live in clean hair’ it is said to make you feel better for your current situation. Aren’t words incredibly powerful?