いけない @iikenai - Tumblr Blog

vent in tags im sorry it’s been a weird daaaaay!!!

#Do u ever just realize like #oh shit I’m really not compatible with this person!#Like it’s been YEARs #and I don’t mean like. We can’t be like. Friends or anything like that #in doses #but I dunno I’ve also gone through being really heavily reliant on them??#and they kinda. Weren’t there for me at all lmao #I don’t think it was on purpose or anything #and they were going through shit too #but like I realized at that point how much of my life and joy was wrapped up in this one person and like. They just didn’t know or care to #And like. Now there’s work to be done to repair it and I just . I just don’t know if I’m like. If I should use my energy for it #I dunno I mean I was like. Kinda manipulative lmao bc I thought they were going to leave me and then my worst fears came true for like a ye #so I was shitty #and like. It sounds weird to say? But I honest to god think they would do better without me in their life lol #thats a sad and nihilistic lol #I dunno maybe I’m just fucking. Tired and dehydrated #but I just. I realized I’m bad at being nice to them #And they just. I don’t know #I dunno. I just have like. fizzled out. Just.#If they don’t want to spend time with me. I have finally hit this point where like #I’m okay with that and I think they just better not spend time with me.#I dunno I just feel like. I really don’t like who I am when I’m around them sometimes #and it’s not their fault it’s my fault #but it just #makes me think I would be better off not spending time with them #who fucking knows though lmao #quarantine dynamics make me crazy!! I am a crazy person now!!#I’ll probably feel better after I drink some water #I can’t take my anxiety meds tho bc they fuck with my blood pressure which has just been all over the place today #anyways!! I dunno I feel like I should be more upset

Just ducking frealizing now that I had multiple episodes of catatonia that resulted in trips to the ER They were all the fucking catatonic excitement fuck Thought I think they were probably medication induced?? I did not respond well to that one particular drug But I absolutely ,, had a whole bunch of other episodes of catatonia of the stupor variety.... those were the ones where I got abused lol though it’s hard to fucking remember what was what Anyways!! I’m terrified to see a therapist for psychosis things bc I don’t want to get prescribed anti-psychotics bc if I couldn’t fucking handle a Normal sedative then how the fuck am I supposed to handle an anti-psychotic???

Fuck listen I know it sounds like I’m doing a whole lot of self dxing bc oh my god like sometimes I learn about stuff and I’m like “OH so THATs what that was I had no idea” like oh my god I was literally... Catatonic... I couldn’t move or speak or eat or MOVE like FUCk!!!!!! I would!! Literally lie there!! Not moving!! I couldn’t speak!! And instead of calling someone my parents fucking threw me in a bathtub and drenched me in cold water Like o my god I think I literally had catatonic depression like ... fuck And then there was the agitation?? The times I would just fucking scream ??? I’d kick or hold onto things and I couldn’t talk??? And id just get dragged around and thrown places and I dunno man I like. Think I’ve been downplaying it a lot to make it okay for me to live at home again But I’m starting to think I need to see somebody bc I am having some really tough shit happening and I’m like.. v worried a lot of this stuff is gonna come back Paranoia, delusions, catatonia (like I felt it happening today in the car!!! Just!! Shutting down, staring, not responding to any fucking stimuli, just IHGG), Hypomania, just a whole suite of things happening with psychosis Anyways!! Fuck me!!! I’m not okay!! Oh my god I need to get help

Oh I’m manic??

Oh I’m fucking manic?? Oh I’m manic??? Oh that explains a Ffucking Lot about the past few days!!! Wow!!! Cool!!! Fuck

Oh hello didn’t see you there once again it turns out I’m WAY less stable than I thought and like 3 nights of bad sleep can apparently just fucking !! Throw me off the shits when someone asks me a question!! My whole body is full of poison and it’s literally just my own body chemicals!! Love it Anyways I HAte myself now bc someone is smarter than me and I got distracted and I said some stupid shit!! Anywyas!!! Goodnight !!! Why does this make me wanna die so bad?? Is my threshold really this low lmao

Yeah so , follow up to that, because I’m organizing my thoughts (lmao that’s impossible for me) I just wanna out here! Very anxious, felt shitty all day, sat down to write something relaxing and instead gave my friend the inner workings of my shitty person brain!! So. I guess really part of the issue is that my methodology shifted REaL quick bc this was an academic discussion we were having in Insta DMs so like, not great for a solid line of thought, and she was like “oh hm not sure I agree” so OF COURSE I’ll beat myself up and fill my body with self hate!! I need to chill out a little, she’s not gonna hate me, and we already both know I’m Fucking Stupid so I’ll send her a text tomorrow with an apology and some added notes about things I MEANT to say and also expressing my interest in having an actual discussion that’s not just me being upset about 3 very specific people I’m also probably upset at myself for like, blaming these people for using identity and shit to help themselves feel better, lmao Anyways, I’m a shitty person, everyone is growing, and I continue to learn daily that my body is made of garbage and my brain is rotting Anyways, fuck me, I’m a jealous insecure asshole !!! Fuck

Lmao I accidentally went off to one of my friends (bc she’s writing this cool thing about nb stuff and it’s relation to the perpetuation of the acceptance of gender roles?) and I SLipped and got SUPEr caught up in talking about like 3 VERY specific people!!! Who don’t identify with “woman” or “man” bc of some very specific moments of traumatic figures in their lives!!! And anyways I WEnt off and she was like “thank u for ur thoughts ur psychology is (???) but like i am feeling clarified” and I was like “OH sHIT I completely slipped into talking about 3 VERY specific people!!! Oh no!!! Now she thinks I think that nb stuff is only fake and everyone only uses they/them bc of a damaged psyche and that’s NOT what we were at all talking about I just got caught up in the moment of frustration at these specific people for not helping themselves out at all!!!” And it was like “ oh NO this isn’t what she was talking about at all ANd I’m a band person!’” Which like, now that I write it, she and I have been friends for about 3 million years so I don’t think there’s any danger of her thinking I’m a terrible person or anything, which is okay, but I DO feel bad for taking out my frustration about 2 very specific people not helping themselves out on her and also derailing everything and making myself looks stupid for like, making it seem like I don’t have complex opinions on how presentation and gender roles (not necessarily stereotypes or like extreme trauma) affect shit AUGh I just ... lost it, ! So now I am also all manic bc it was stressful for me and even tho I was vague I feel bad For like, just Writing It Off bc it’s SO way more complex than what I was talking about AnywYas she also was tired and went straight so bed so All this to say I have to call her and explain myself so I stop imagining her hating me and thinking I’m a stupid asshole I also am SO wound up and SO much self hatred is boiling under every bit of my skin!!!

My mom!!! Is !!! Losing her mind!!!!!!!!! And then she blames me for not being able to read her mind bc she is entirely unable to communicate !!! And then she “suggests” (read: tries to manipulate me w guilt trips and shit) things to me???????? She’s telling me to do more shit but ONLY on her terms!! And like??? I’m telling you I’m happy to manage stuff for you?? And she’s just!!! Like!! “WELL THEN wHY DIDNT yOU asK Me abOUT tHE LAundRy ??!?????” Oh? You mean the laundry I had NO IDEA was even going in the washer!!! Oh of course!!! Next time I’ll just FUCKIng READ YOUR MIND Because clearly, that’s the only way I’ll ever know what’s supposed to get done!!!!!! Because nothing I do matters outside of the very specific things that are bothering her in that moment!!! Even though NONE of them are the real issue, which is that my dad is sick, and my mom just !! Diverts all of her energy into blaming me for having my own priorities and trying not to be Fucking Incapacitated By Illness!!! Wow!!!!! Just because I can handle my own shit at my own pace without Killing Myself it means that somehow I’m not doing enough!!! I offer to take on responsibility, and she’s like “NO YOU AlREADY FUCKED UP BY NOT DOIng iT ALTEADY!!!!!!’” And then she starts fucking SOBBING because she can’t deal with her shit!!!!!! And it comes down to ME not doing things!!! AUGh!!!!!!!!

Everything is so difficult and I don’t remember how to not go only 0 or 100 and I keep working to hard and too long and missing out on getting to do things with people so I do those things for too hard to long and it just spirals and all this to say I just feel like I’m not worth it for anyone and I’m an awful person and I want help but I’m too sacred to ask it I just feel like I’m not worth it for anyone I’m really worried I have bpd and I really want to ask for help but what if it discredits me forever and I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to do something like that and I’m so scared I’m going nowhere and everything is going nowhere I’m not worth it I’m an awful person I’m not worth it I’m worrying my roommate and I just I m not worth it and I love her and I want her to stay with and around me but I just I’m not worth it

Well I'm back, to this blog, And my depression is back too I think,? I got heartbroken the other day My best friend is in love with someone else and I think it's going to stay like that. Maybe forever I'm scared I'm going to split myself into pieces again, and not be able to find my way out I can't sleep and I can't wake up I just want things to stop going forward for just like 10 minutes please

I'm repressing everything I feel. All of my anger, discomfort, loneliness.. I'm paranoid now, because I don't know what I'm feeling anymore. Yesterday scared me, too. I just miss the people who will treat me so gently, and when I get scared, will hold my hand. I just. I don't know what to do now.

I am so deeply scared I'm scared of being manipulative I'm scared of being overwhelming I'm scared of being hated I'm scared of who I'm becoming. I don't know how to undo this I don't know how to fix myself what I got myself into I'm scared that when I go back, I wont like who I am anymore. And I'm so so sad. I'm so lonely. I regret so much, and I don't know how to fix it.

thesoundtrackcollection

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I don't want to go to school I don't want to go to school I don't want to go to school I don't want to go to school I don't want to go to school

#I don't want to go to school #school

I'm really tired and really sad for no reason at all I guess I just miss my friends a lot and I want to see them, but I can't. I also feel really irresponsible, and I've not been doing a lot of what I'm supposed to, like schoolwork, and even extracurricular work. I just feel like I'm holding everyone and everything back, and I can't work up the motivation to do anything about it. All I can so is feel sick and sleepy and numb. I want a hug from my friends and I can't even go and see them. It's just. Really bad. I've never missed people this much before.

#I'm a crap human being #please end my existence so I'm not bothering anyone anymore.

I've got a migraine again and it sucks I'm kinda glad though cause I'm really hating a school Not like the school part or anything, but for some reason or another Im just really really disliking it and I don't know how to deal with it

#Sorry for complaining #I'm gonna go now

illumahottie

Hey guys, hope your skin is clear and you get a text from someone you like real soon.

#really simple happiness

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