Thinking out Loud..

Songs for you, truths for me

[iitowtheline-blog]

If it's the last night in these streets, you'd be a fool to take a seat.

It's been a while since I've last posted.. I don't have much to say actually, I guess I've been feeling less tortured lately, I can't really explain. I still have troubles figuring out what's good for me that's for sure, but I can tell I'm on a good path. I'm not feeling lonely, disappointed and useless all the time anymore, I'm not always angry and afraid. I do have doubts sometimes, who doesn't ? I'm not a trustful person, never been. But I think I'm ready to open myself to people a bit more. I've finally forgiven myself for all that had happened these past years, I used to think that I didn't deserve happiness but I've understood that you can't go back in time, you just need to learn from your mistakes and make things right. I won't always make the right decisions, I'll fail, I'll fall, I'll cry, I'll lose people I care about.. but I'll get up everytime and try harder to be happy again. We've only got one life after all.

-H

[iitowtheline-blog]

I'm not a perfect person, there's many things I wish I didn't do. But I continue learning, I never meant to do those things to you.

You know that feeling when you keep telling yourself that you did something for the better but yet can't stop thinking that you have hurt someone in the process and that you could have do it another way ? It's called guilt, and it is such a shitty feeling. I've always tried to act for the better so that I won't ever have to feel like that, I guess I've failed. This thing I have done, I did it to protect someone who really means a lot to me, and I also did it for myself I must say, cos I was in that kind of situation which basically ends up destroying you. I know deep inside that it was the right thing to do, so why am I feeling so sick and so angry with myself ? And what should I do ? I can't go back in time, and even if I'd decide to step back, it would just hurt the people involved even more.. Everyone keep telling me that I should just let go and that things would just go back to normal by themselves. I guess it's true, but it is so hard for me to admit that I can't do anything about it.

Guilt is the worst feeling ever.

-H

[iitowtheline-blog]

Too long we've been denying now we're both tired of trying, we hit a wall and we can't get over it.

So basically there is this relationship which is hurting me as hell sometimes but then I just know that it would be the end of me if I’d make it stop.. When I found this person who taught me how to trust again, to care again, to love again, to live again, well how to be a friend again, I just thought to myself that I couldn’t let that go. I don’t really know how he did that, but he just made me happy again when I started to think that happiness wasn’t for me. But then arguments came, and it never stopped, and to be honest I’m starting to be so tired of this situation, I keep wondering if this is worth fighting for anymore. He’s not fighting for me after all, he just waits for me to come to him as always. He needs to understand that he really means a lot to me and that I’m not a toy he can play with when he’s bored. Or he’ll loose me.. Gosh I can't believe I'm saying this, I'm not even able to imagine what my life would be without him, he helped me going through so much things, I'm not sure where I'd be if I hadn't met him. But truth is that these past few months he made me cry so much more than smile. So what am I supposed to do? And what if he'd already made the decision for both of us ?

-H

[iitowtheline-blog]

Just gonna stand there and hear me cry, that's alright because I love the way you lie.

"Dear you, I know I’ll never have the courage to come to you and explain how I’ve been feeling these past years. But I just can’t move on with you on my mind almost everyday, so I’ll just leave my feelings here and eventually one day you’ll get this letter. I don’t think you realize how mad at you I am (actually I don’t think you’re thinking about me at all) for having given up on me when you said you’ll always be there. Doesn’t friendship mean anything to you ? Do promises matter? Looking back, I don’t even understand how we came to this point, the point where we are strangers for each other again. I cared about you.. I still do. Actually I’m sure I’d still run to help you if you were in trouble, even though I can’t stop wondering if you’d ever been honest with me, if you’d ever cared. I used to feel so betrayed, lonely, sad.. Just because of you. But I just want you to know that I’ve decided that our story won’t be a weight for me anymore, I understood that I needed to move on, finally. I’ve met extraordinary people who make me feel loved and useful everyday, more than you’ve ever made me. I finally feel like I matter. I hope one day I could forgive you and just remember our best moments, but I guess it’s just too soon. Anyway I do realize that I wouldn’t be the same person if I haven’t met you, so thank you for making me grow and teaching me that I needed to be careful with the people I put my trust in. Our friendship wasn’t a mistake, it was a lesson. I hope you’ll have a good life and eventually understand what you’ve left behind.”

-H

[iitowtheline-blog]

Even after all these years I just now got this feeling that we're meeting for the first time.

I was in the train few days ago and there was this kid beside me and I just found myself looking at him with a little bit of jealousy I must say. He just seemed so innocent, curious about everything, just enjoying the moment and not bothering about the future. I wish I could be a kid again, everything felt so easy back then. I had no fear, well almost, and maybe I was a bit naive even for a kid, but I didn't imagine people could be really bad, mean.. I was dreaming of a happy life and felt like everything would come easily. I didn't even realize I'd be hurt a few times. I believed people, most especially friends, would always be there for me, no matter what. I believed promises were always kept. I believed love last forever. I believed good guys always won. I believed in a magical life. Good times.. But the good thing is that I've learnt to appreciate the little details, this simple moment when you're happy with nothing, just because you're with the people you love or the view is literally breathtaking, if you take time to analyze the beauty of it. In fact, growing up is good and bad at the same time don't ya think ? I guess it is a matter of enjoying every step of life.

-H

[iitowtheline-blog]

It is the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.

''Cos you think you're the only one going through hard times? Don't you realize I'm hurt as well ? Don't you see ? I'm just trying my best not to show it, but I'm dying inside. Pain's almost unbearable. The only reason I'm staying strong is you. Just you. I'm doing everything I can not to be a weight for you. I'm losing myself trying to make you happy. I'm crying my heart out every night but still put a smile on my face when you come by cos I don't want you to worry about me. Why are you doing this to me ? You can't just disappear when something's wrong dammit ! I've always been there for you haven't I ? Putting your happiness before mine on my priorities' list. Why are you pushing me away like this ? And don't you dare say it's to protect me, cos you know I can't fucking live without you ! I can't stand knowing that you're sad without being able to do anything about it. I used not to care you know ? But you're just different. You're able to reveal the best and the worst sides of me, and sometimes I hate you for that. I fucking hate you right now, but yet I can't stop wishing you'd call me. Don't you dare give up on me. Please..''

-H

[iitowtheline-blog]

Life is one big, fat, gigantic, stinking mess. That's the beauty of it.

I've been asked about what I think other people think of me, and I have to say I didn't quite know how to answer.. And then I asked myself: how do I think I am ? I mean, it is kinda hard for me to define myself, well I guess you can't really be objective about yourself. So for the past ten minutes I've been like: who am I really ? 17 y.o french girl, almost 18, with contradictory feelings, trying to be a good person. But am I ? I think I'm kind, I can't stand hurting people, even if I don't really like them, and I love making people smile. Actually I'm thinking a lot about others and not really about myself sometimes. I talk and laugh a lot when I'm with people I love. I guess I'm happy most of the time. Writing is my escape from bad thoughts. I can be really negative sometimes, it's hard for me not to live in the past but I guess I have improved on this, I'm insecure, maybe too much, I care too much about what people think of me, I'm always worrying about the future, and I get mad really quickly, most of the time for nothing, and then regret it. I dream a lot about what I'd like my life to be. I'm the kind of person who don't really know how to express my feelings, and it hurts me sometimes. Friendship is one of the most important thing to me, I could do anything for my friends. I don't trust easily cos I've been hurt a few times. I feel very lonely sometimes. I love it when I feel like somebody finally understands me, but it feels unreal for me to think that I'm important to someone. I'm a complicated person eh?

-H

[iitowtheline-blog]

It's hard to walk away from the best of days, but if it has to end I'm glad you have been my friend in the time of our lives.

So basically my best friend just told me he cheated on his girlfriend, and to be honest I didn't really know how to react. Maybe I shouldn't even care, but well, I do, for some weird reasons I guess. I mean, I know he wouldn't betray me, but then again I didn't think he could betray his girlfriend. Maybe I'm a bit disappointed, I guess I overestimate him a bit sometimes.. This confession was just a reminder that he has flaws, like all human beings, and as his best friend, I should support him and love him for who he is shouldn't I ? He said he needed to see me, so he'll come at mine tomorrow, and I don't know what I'm supposed to say to him.. A part of me wants to act like nothing has happened, and the other part wants to talk about it. But to say what ? That I'm a bit angry at him cos I thought he wasn't that ''kind of person'' ? That I need to know what he has planned to say to his gf ? That I'll stick by his side no matter what ? (One thing I'm sure I won't confess is that I'm kinda happy that he told me about it cos that means he opens up a bit and that he trusts me as much as I trust him). I hope some sleep will help me figure out what I'm gonna do..

-H

[iitowtheline-blog]

“He who does not understand your silence will probably not understand your words.” - Elbert Hubbard

I went out last night with some friends. To be honest I was planing on getting drunk, but at the end of the night, I was kinda the only one able to think properly. At some point, I just sat in the corner of the bar and watched them as they were laughing and dancing. They were so high, and I felt quite jealous of them. I wanted to enjoy the night, too. But I guess my mind was just somewhere else. The things is, there's some story I know I shouldn't worry about cos I can't do anything to change it, but I worried anyway. I just wasn't in the mood, and I know it's unfair, but I felt a bit angry at my friends who were having fun while I was lost in my bad thoughts. But I couldn't screw their night as well as I couldn't stop thinking about what was upsetting me. So I just stayed in the corner, waiting for the moment I'd have to bring them home cos they'd be to drunk to walk on their own, and once they'd be asleep, after several mishaps on the way home obviously, I'd sat near the window until sunrise, waiting for a text that never came.

Life's unfair sometimes

-H

[iitowtheline-blog]

You can't go to bed without a cup of tea, maybe that's the reason why you talk in your sleep

If you ask me why I'm writing, I'd probably answer that this is some kind of therapy for me, or a way to escape reality. The thing is, I'm not really writing about happy things, I know it. So I was thinking to write about what I love, what's great in my life, what makes me smile, these kind of stuffs. Well, here we go..

I love the way my best friend is being a jerk just to make me smile when I'm sad and the fact that we're so different from each other but just get along so well. I love it when my cat sleep with his head against my cheek. I love it when I'm up early during summer and I walk outside to see the sunrise and there's just this light breeze against my skin. I love tea, like really, I could drink it all day. I love writing obviously, and it just feels so right when I'd just sit and write without even thinking. I love coming home after a long day and just lay in my bed with a good movie and a cup of hot chocolate. I love my mare, the feeling of liberty that I have when I'm with her and the way she makes me forget about everything. I love it when I listen to a song which could basically be the story of my life. I'm not much into reading, but I love it when I'm reading a book and I just can't stop and want to know the end so bad. When I'm alone at night, I love to close my eyes and just dream about what I'd like my life to be. I love Ed Sheeran, his songs make me feel really good in a way I can't even figure out and I can tell he helped me getting through hard times even if I can't explain how. I know it's stupid but I love it when my friends answer quickly to my texts. I love knowing that the people I care about are happy. I love reading old diaries and realize I'm happier now. I love the sound of rain against my window and the smell of the streets when it stops raining. I love walking on the sand. I love packing my stuffs to go on a trip. I love to make plans. I love having a lot of projects even if I know I won't conclude most of them. I love to decorate the wall of my room. I love to discover great covers of songs I love. I love mashups and multifandom video. I love being at my place with my closest friends, just chilling out. And I love it when a smile grows on my face and I only realize it after several seconds of unconscious happiness. 

Writing this, I can't help thinking that there's a lot more that I probably forget but also (and this is the weird part) that there are actually plenty of reasons for me to be happy..

So I'll be working on it.

-H

[iitowtheline-blog]

''It has been a beautiful fight, still is''

I went back to Boston that year, I needed to see him. I didn’t know his last name nor his address; so I just went to places we used to go.. Well, I mean places we went the first and only time we met. We talked online for a year before I finally got to see him properly. In a few months, he had become my inspiration I must say. Maybe it was his bright smile, or his great sense of criticism, he just had this incredible ability to make everything’s clear. I know what you think.. But I wasn’t in love with him. I could have been, cos he was truly gorgeous. I don’t even know how it happened, but he just became the brother I’ve never had. Even if we didn’t really know each other in our ”real” lives, he always knew how to cheer me up, to make me laugh, and he had the best advices to be fair. We were like thousand miles away from each others, but I had always felt like he was protecting me somehow. I don’t know what happened next, I guess we just grew apart, we were too busy fixing things in our lives to realize that our bond was slowly breaking.. The next thing I know is that we weren’t talking to each other since almost 2 years when Christmas came by. Maybe I had forgotten about him for a few months, but it kept crossing my mind that I needed him more than ever. I didn’t find him tho. After 3 days of unsuccessful research, I ended on a cold bench in front of the building we first saw each others, memories playing in my head. How I ran into his arms. How he was dressed. How he smelled like. The smile on his face. The joy in his eyes. I kept wondering where I would have been without him.. Still crying in my bed, probably. I was used to people I care about walking away from me, I'd just never thought I would do the same thing as them one day. Without even realizing it, I had given up on something so special that it changed me forever. One of the biggest mistake of my life..

”I miss you so..” I whispered.

(urgh that was bad)

-H

[iitowtheline-blog]

If I could fall into the sky, do you think time would pass me by ?

Memory is some weird thing.

I wish I could control what I remember and most of all, what I forget. It’s easy to say ”I’ve completely forgotten about him” but this simple statement proves that you remember. The truth is these are some people who walked in then out of my life and who I’ll never forget, even though I try really hard. Some days I don’t think about them at all, some days it’s just a little, they’re like crossing my mind for a sec. But then there are these days when everything reminds you of what you want to forget and I’m in an awful mood all day and I don’t want to get out of my bed. These days are hard but then, when I’m over crying, complaining about the past and all this shit (at least I realize I’m being pathetic sometimes haha), I’d sat for a minute and really think about it. Truth is.. Memory’s a good thing. Don’t get me wrong, you can’t live in the past, and it’s just toxic to think about what have hurt you all the time.. There’s a strong difference between ”move on” and ”forget”. I’ve moved on. I know I have. But I haven’t forget and I never will. And I came to think that this is a good thing because without memories, how do you stop yourself from doing the same mistakes over and over again ?

Memory’s what makes you grow.

-H

[iitowtheline-blog]

Deep down I know this never works, but you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt

I’m starting to get tired of people who think they can judge my choices.. I mean, I know some of them are just trying to protect me, but I’m not a kid anymore, I think I can handle myself.. I know I’m not always making the best decisions, but this is my life after all, and I need to make mistakes, this is how I’ll learn. I’m not gonna pretend I know everything about life cos I’m just a random 17 years old girl who can’t really complain about her life.. But I’ve been hurt a few times, I fell, I cried, I moved on.. People don’t seem to understand that I’m not weak anymore, and that I know what it’s good for me right now. Maybe it will destroy me later. It surely will actually. My problem is that I get attached too quickly and let go too slowly, and I admit that I haven’t always chosen the best people to care about.. But I’ve finally find some people who really make me happy and I truly believe in them, in our friendship.. And if I want to sacrifice some important things for them, then let me do cos I think it’s worth it. Maybe I’ll regret it later, but then again this would be my problem and I’d deal with it by myself. Cos at the end of the day, you’re on your own and you’re the only one to blame, so make sure to always do what makes you happy and don’t regret anything. I won’t.

-H