I’m struggling to deal with breaking things off with this guy. I just feel this overwhelming sense of rejection.
Thinking back to when we first hung out, he made a lot of comments about being non-committal, and the fact that he’s never had a girlfriend were obviously red flags but I looked beyond them because I genuinely enjoyed hanging out with him and he was not “my type” enough for me to be remotely afraid of catching feelings. He smoked too much weed for my liking, he was obnoxiously loud in public and his mannerisms weren’t remotely refined. I just thought to myself, here’s a funny, cute guy I can chill with.
But when you spend time with someone every day for two months, sleep in their bed, get to know them intimately, these little things that would turn me off after a date or two became negligible. As I began to get inside his head and get to know him, I began to care and give a fuck. I became accustomed to coming home every day, wrapping myself into his arms, running my hands through his hair and scruff and breathing in the smell of his shirt.
I already broke it off almost three weeks ago after he was being an asshole, but I went back again. He’s so all over the place. One day he says he wants to be with me, the next he isn’t sure. Finally on Friday, he told me I couldn’t count on him to be the guy I deserve. That he would flake, take off. He’s too young and doesn’t care about relationships. I told him to fuck off with that bullshit, and just to tell me that he isn’t into me enough to care, but he said it isn’t true, and that he told me he’s a basket case from day one.
He did, but it doesn’t matter. Because I can’t help feeling like no matter what, it means I wasn’t enough of something. Pretty enough, smart enough, tall enough, thin enough…not enough to hold him to me. And there is no one I can talk to about it because my sisters and friends would all kill/judge me if they even knew I started seeing him again after I said I blew him off three weeks ago.
So now I have finals, and I am trying to study but am desperately sad. I don’t think I have ever liked a guy this much and it hurts that he doesn’t want me the same way I want him.
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