The monsoon season is almost upon us. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for rain. I was born in September. I’m used to the monsoon season breaking my heart because it’s almost always raining on my birthday but I never get used to it, I don’t love it.
I am sat right in front of our window as I stare at the cloudy grey skies. Our family’s group chat is full of pictures of the skies and I kinda actually don’t miss the cerulean skies right now—specifically because I’ve been praying for rain for some time now. It’s just so hot in the Philippines. I guess everywhere else in the world, too. At least in the northern hemisphere. It must be nice to be somewhere in the southern hemisphere right now. I know these are conflicting statements BUT I would love it if it rained right now. But I don’t like the rain, okay? Lol
Anyway, this week was full of surprises. I got transferred to a different section. Praise God! Fr, I’ve been praying for this to happen and now that it’s finally happened, I have no words but THANK YOU, GOD!
I feel like I’m going to miss the Board members. I’ll miss asking them for their meals. I’ll miss joking around with them. I mean I’ve only worked with them for a couple of months but it felt like we’ve known each other longer than that. It was a privilege serving you, honorable members of the Board for recruitment and promotion. But here’s me, officially signing off.
There’s a bittersweetness to it. I loved being with the people in the recruitment and promotion section of our organization but God, I just wanted out. And you made a way. Thank you, Father. My heart will never be at peace if I stayed there longer. I would have eventually broken down (again and again) and never recuperated. It was just that bad. It was really dark for me to be in that place. It was just heartbreaking. I wasn’t growing. I was just THERE.
Plus, it felt like I won’t be able to improve things in the system because it isn’t up to me and I don’t want to be impeded like that. I don’t want to stay blinded by practices that go against my principles. I don’t want to keep on pleasing people. It’s tiring. And I’m knocked out. Totally.
I do pray for the people who need to remain in that darkness. And those who have newly joined and rejoined the team. My goodness. I pray that they keep their principles in tact. I pray that they don’t feel gaslighted like I did. I pray that God sustains them. I had to tap out because I couldn’t take the abuse any longer. I even cried in front of the Board members because of how heavy it felt to be in that section. Dear LORD, thank you for coming to my rescue.
Everything’s new to me in the section I was recently assigned to. I have never been assigned in the records section before. But what’s nice about it is that I’m already familiar with some of the things that I’ll be “chief” of from now on. I actually hate being called “chief” of anything because I’ve never been a chief of a section before. Lmao. There was an order from last year that made me “acting” chief of a section but lmao, I never felt like I was the chief because there was someone else who kept on “taking” the role so I never really “got the hang of it” nor did I get to “embrace” it. Because I might take the spotlight away from that person. And I don’t play dirty like that. I actually never knew my place there. In fact, I even wondered myself which “section” was I “acting chief” of since I never really got to call the shots. There was someone always in the way. I sighed, my goodness. I was even often told I was already “receiving so much help” that I wasn’t even “performing” well enough because I might be “getting overwhelmed” of so many tasks.
I’ve never felt so manipulated.
Truth be told, I was truly bombarded by tasks without proper timelines nor prioritization. The decision makers were indecisive and I was being blamed for their incompetence. Their lack of direction. Their lack of accountability. Their lack of responsibility. And I also began questioning myself if I was underperforming. Was I? Was I unprofessional? I started blaming myself for not being ENOUGH for them. I was losing myself. It was a dark tunnel I journeyed the past few weeks, if not months. I hope when these people get a chance to read this, I hope you understand how it felt like for me to be there. I was as confused as you were. At least have some empathy for your co-workers. Your co-workers aren’t robots. If that was how your previous bosses treated you (like shit), please don’t do that to us. We’re not being snowflakes, we’re ACTUAL human beings with feelings, if you know what I mean. Just like you?
The lack of proper communication and the amount of talking behind other people's backs and the amount of misunderstandings. The worst. I don't want to be in that place. EVER AGAIN.
This is why I always pray that I get mentors who have the same ideals or principles as I do. But it's so hard to find those kind of people.
However, I’m just glad I’m out of that tunnel now. I get to breathe again.
On another topic, our air-conditioner broke. It’s eight years old so it’s understandable. But I kinda feel sad that electronic appliances’ life spans are so short nowadays. Our aunt’s air-conditioner from MY CHILDHOOD still lives. They even got to bring it to their new house lmao. Meanwhile this air-con from only eight years back has given up on us. Anyway, my sister and I are getting a new one tomorrow. So I pray it rains tonight so I won’t have to endure this midsummer night’s heat.
So I printed my manuscript and have been editing some of my poems for binding. I’m thinking of giving this away as a gift to my friends for my 30th birthday or for Christmas this year, idk. I’m still thinking about it. IF I COULD AFFORD PUBLISHING IT. Lmao. But I’ll pray about it. I found an independent book publisher but I haven’t had the courage to inquire about their service fees. I’m afraid I can’t afford it. BUT GOD WILL PROVIDE lol. I’ll just be faithfully saving up for my book’s publication.
We did a general cleaning inside the house today. And I found so many boxes of the many things I bought from January 2020 up to present. When I think about it, I could have saved so much money right now. If I only had been patient enough. But dang, I wouldn’t be typing on this laptop right now if I didn’t dare purchase one lol.
The pandemic has ruined my timeline for EVERYTHING I had planned after returning from China. I planned that after two years, I would leave the organization. I would be teaching in Japan. And I would live on my own. But COVID-19 had to happen. I have postponed my graduate studies. I haven’t thought about leaving the country. And I am still dependently living with my sister and/or sometimes my parents lmao. I’m sorry. I WANT TO LIVE INDEPENDENTLY BUT THINGS ARE HARD RIGHT NOW. And also I really hoped and prayed for autumn, winter, and spring. But you can’t have everything.
LMAO, I was just having this conversation with my sister, like right now. She told me that she was going to check if she’s won the lottery, I told her that if she won, we should resign immediately and I would just leech off from her. And SHE SAID YES! Whoa! That’s UNCONDITIONAL LOVE right there. Lolol
Oh I just wanted to share another story because this was a conversation I really liked about this week, too. My lovely co-worker and I had a chat about her plans of getting married. This biatch, let’s just say that she is my biatch, we are each other’s bitches. Whatever. We’re friends, I get to call her that and she’s also welcome to call me her bitch. Capisce? Comprende? Alright, on with this story:
She told me that she and her boyfriend have spoken about settling down. CUTE RIGHT? But they’ve been talking about whether having a kid first or getting a house first. So she’s thinking about saving up for a house or applying for a loan so they could get a house and start saving for their wedding.
Ah, it’s cute, isn’t it? How like just six months ago, THIS BITCH TOLD ME SHE IS DONE DATING AND WILL JUST PROBABLY DIE ALONE, LIKE ME! AND NOW THIS BITCH IS ALREADY PLANNING A FUTURE WITH SOMEONE—HER BOYFRIEND! Okay, I’m not even angry or disappointed but it’s just somehow ridiculous and surprising at the same time. They say that when the right one comes, you’ll know. But man, I feel like THE RIGHT ONE for me got hit by a bus or something. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? Lmao
To be honest, I don’t feel like in a hurry dating or marrying. Even though the rest of the world feels like I’m running out of time. I don’t live by the world’s standards—at least not anymore. Even though I often hear these resounding statements: “You’re just saying that,” “You’ll change your mind about it,” “You should explore because you’re at your prime,” and “You need a boyfriend.” I don’t feel pressured. Though I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently because these people keep putting these thoughts in my head LMAO. Should I be grateful though? Thank you?
But I have people surrounding me who pray for me and for my future partner or spouse or whatever the hell he will be (but I hope he’s in human form, okay?). Because for now, I know it’s insane and a pity (for you guys, but not me), I just enjoy watching other people’s blooming love lives. And I get happy and excited for them, like no other. I feel genuine happiness for people who are settling down right now, getting engaged right now, and falling in love right now. Because it’s their time. Not mine. So I will stay and I will wait. Because until I meet THE ONE, I can’t mess up fate. So I don’t mind, if you come into my life late.
P.S. Whoever you are, wherever you are, I’m excited to spend the rest of my life with you.
P.P.S. I’m already feeling the heat and it sucks we can’t turn on our air-conditioner. Imma cry.
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