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Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸

JVL
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@ilenashadbolt
uploading 4 genius dont mind me
The wing tucked in the darkening light. How long will I spew automatisms until what's left is real mind? That's a question you intended to answer. In the park another fight. Blows and cuts exchanged as currency of the few euphoric. Must go to the ends of the earth singe the flesh to salve what's left. That real mind; naïve, too earnest, shy. Give up reason. Declare form obsolete. Someone won the fight but their face was not clear to me. Do you get it yet? The back of the bus is pulling away Children smearing the windows smaller in the night. It is all a big dream isn't it. Shadows hasten along the street and you yawn after them as an answer. Everything seeps away until it is you and a stove in the living room where mother and father spent themselves. In folds of stars reveal a wreath. Bestow upon the neck. As you fold in the planes of yourself Place yourself in the drawer Place yourself in the highest corner with the family of birds Become the room as it became you Fling unspool Obey the rule
Let me see you in the moonlight
punctured by palm and needle star
sheets swirled up and face down, cries
that care unravels too neatly
that threads are often strung too loosely
craving isn’t a bad thing but
it stopped me from thinking
Sat on the side of the road in the grass;
dying to know ways of living that last
still, the body has a way of getting by
all purely mental
sickening, the metal gouged sky
I run in the light in the breath of the skin
I talk to your wounds instead of your eyes
I catch myself in the mirror- suddenly- know
that you've never needed to yearn
Myself unbearable: I turned
to take own hands, to
till the soil, months plough despite all
I am never giving it away but haunt
sidewalks, so enthralled
didn’t expect you’d accept the promise
unbreakable except when you want it
weather angel shreds
mimes flamed dread
you over there, where you always are
upending the roots and sealing the jar
quiet germ, pull eyelash
kiss and sell, gaslight cache
praised be her proof to herself
that love’s an island far as health
tactile slid to boot
fingers’ thicket soot
I forgot to catch her name
all things slowed in place
buoyant vacant now
horizon sever upside down
In five years time
In five years time, we'll be five years back still honeyed in this moment you promised nothing on the bench all euphoria bent, spilling down the stairs You never meant to throw in this towel or the gauntlet over your shoulder. I cannot blame you, so this rendezvous can’t work I figured out what's simply nature, sublimate what's true Wish I had a will, then I wouldn't keep waiting We could keep at this strange dance- sorry, want to- keep at this strange dance even though we misstep, misinterpret miss more & more while drawing portraits drawn-out til arms are taut, taunted all you've taught me is how not to lose a game by losing you, by starting again you strain, you strain you construe, you lose read a book yesterday & it felt like you shining light in my eye, of course I'd end up blind The last thing I'd expect would be to see you here leaking out the corners of every turn of despair surrounding, eclipsing, missing you but wish I'd missed this vision of you Thought you cupped what was had connection cosmic; how ridiculous is that I enter the sun and emerge without a burn but then you turned, saw me, turned again without a word The best lack conviction the worst just remind you seat me opposite reason, paint yourself out every time This is the grand denouement You spill yourself into work and call it art because it hurt I spit teeth into my hands in front of the mirror This cannot get worse We point like stars to a cataclysmic end light candles in defense, peel back the wax of us until useful life is spent I spill hatred in pious measure in my coffee the morning spilt red wine on a carpet this evening, lone performing like a sponge, breach the brim, can't take the form I've been set Vast vaster now, something echoing grows black I watch my spine spread out behind me & mourn the fact that I'll be back Now the carnage is over, the carnival is too dark except for the gymnast's cigarette in the hazy valve of morning I'd give myself time but the fields run frantic tends to happen in a sheet of water poured over eyelids congratulate yourself; that's what I did I walk through the apartment, turn over books and then my head push and pull on brains in boats in the saltwater lake too blown up to see what's near, too flippant to cast eyes away even in five years time, I wouldn't know what to say
Being tender doesn’t come easy softer when it suits You want them to notice it change so loud it pours from your skin purer in this skin I don’t know who you think you are to tell me I am dwindling Crossing wires of mindfulness and obsession unbearable to un-know how
To have faith is to subscribe to a constant losing
The pastor said it, but it’s the same with anything
I walk along the bottom of the sea
as blue as the sky it doesn’t have
I’m the you that didn’t get free
sinewed sheet as soft
as crowds fused to binoculars watching rockets launch on beaches
as softened body and senses, easy gradation into graves
It’s like…
seeing your silhouette doubt itself
as it splinters in the bottom of the pool
toes cloyed in cold and doubtful of even the atoms
each realisation washes over, dull knocking against the wharf
It’s like…
embodying a fortress dented for centuries by stubborn cannonballs
shaking rosaries through narrow streets
convinced you’re so easily resolved, delivering
litanies of what mystifies and matters to you
It’s like
she could not accept
such unfettered access
-or something
That sinking feeling that
exhale as pedestrians lattice across the street
Art is the being, not the reflection,
so of course I could never emulate
It’s almost like
to taste awareness is to embrace it- this is forever now
You can learn peacefulness here,
splash so deep it annuls a canyon
I want to be my own lover!
One finger dipped in acetone
Making ourselves smaller in the wave of all that has come before
I have no mission, I just watch rockets
watch you gesture, watch me love it
Post-impressed
Bruised train windows punched inward
hang like paintings in the Louvre
like heads hung down by wind and virus fear
Oh sweet metropolis centre
sprayed with insecticide by rich hypocrites
so we scuttle to the edges
still gold-rimmed at heart but
burying wire-thin dismay
sprinkling chalk on some grave
every day! every day!
I live and I die in the same unfolding way
No point in writing when the heart is the exhibit on display!
No glory in outpouring about the flippant zeal of each zipped day!
In the coffeehouse in the window
the diamond in the light in the window
smeared all over elderly faces, smattering backhands across
each papery cheek
a beautiful game
Sky splits light veins along Montmartre
apples and mangoes spilling onto streets on sale
motorcycle after motorcycle palming the same shortcut
apartment shutters peering up in the wet light
leant against by smokers mothers tired children
cough into slipping scarf in vain to ward off cold
the trains are delayed, doesn’t stop the machine eating your reduced fare
we are all shouting at each other in the Métro fish tank
charcoal into tunnel and out again
breathe in his neck and earring
turn a corner, carriage snap into Forever
hands like a centipede curling the endless iron bar
snake pit of snake pits
find refuge in corner cafe
steal a corner of sun
reflect in the sun, in the quivering lime water refraction, melting degas sculpture
and fling back out once you've overstayed your welcome
eat grief along the bank touching the water
Pissaro latticed water in last slivers of light
same sun that luminates your hospital, that numinous resting place
that wakes me through the thin window of the second floor
where I stare through the roof, impossible to reckon with a day
just fling out like the cafe, no plan or cash, spinning up an existence with every step
diarise each moment or die trying I guess
don't forget the deserts
it’s always dawn somewhere
oh beaded Smokey night you
rip out onto the street
toiling away to make something of nothing
backless dress Friday best
I walk with confidence
swollen by a song that once stirred me
If someone’s listening, may the echo of that feeling sustain me
maybe I should contain me
suddenly without point
sudden, derail
fly like a kite
/
all red with
faces red I wish I’d
catch the red like a fever like
a stubbly teenager like
the blood moon
it eats away this
red it eats
like I cannot
desperation fire in the gut
hitting like
the dawn raiders
taking your women your children your
security
all that’s needed is security
so red it inflames your core makes you feel less empty
glass empty
and finally
you sit in the smoking area with a handbag
containing all that you never wanted
Postcard
Begin the year split in two:
the crack of nothing makes me move
Shut door on the fear that follows
no wall to steady you now
It’s easy to weave another day, crocheted thick
upon the face
a ton of blankets at one’s side, another ton in line
another day to overturn the last one left behind
The sin of idleness, the holiness of work
All solitude points towards madness- if madness circles
the intensification and dissolution of the self
We could talk of barns and changing room chatter
but some essentials can’t be denied
walk a thousand miles and you’ll be surprised
how coarse it really feels
you’re fading
you’re not helping
gouge the dam apart by the nails
Maíread
Dew combs the grass
Bracken tossed in winter sun
unearthing an enormous glossing of the mind.
In my slickness I am feeling sick I
don’t know this body of mine
I wear your grief around my neck:
Twelve pearlescent sinkers
jaded upon my collarbone.
She fell asleep with a cigarette in the shed out back;
the plumes threw their hands to the clouds and left nothing behind
You told her mother it was a car crash
You told yourself you were fine
His lip wobbled as he looked at me clearly:
‘Why do we have to get old?’
fingers playing with the armchair frays
with his tea and shortbread every day
We’re all having heartfelt conversations somewhere
it’s not reserved for those who record
looking out the cabin window, playing some god
the evening sits different now
NYE (somewhere else)
I wake erratically, roll over and over into sleep
unseeing white-hot phone screen
hear chimes fingered by peeling wind
I'm scared someone's coming in
my heartbeat’s gone but I don't know why
the kind of un-sleep that brings no rest
just a solitude that expands your chest
Here in the state in the city in the beach island
in a condominium in a unit in
this corner bedroom with these blue sheets
I let the solitude percolate through my throat:
anaesthetic, but my heart's still not beating
and swathed in this duvet I think of nothing but you.
Communicate all my being to you
angled like a satellite to your corresponding orbit
radio wave strung from heart to heart
beat pulse through the earth (please inflate mine)
I wonder if you feel the tapping, willing you to turn
Need to know if it was final:
Need to see if I’ve learnt.
Wind gasps and
chimes unfurl again
I loosen my grip
light tumbles the horizon
Apothecary afterhours
The only way is to cherry your mind; spit the blood after the wine February tossed its forks against the mirror Anne paused for thought. What’s hope for? The cabin eats the chairlift eats the twisting men eating schnitzel and grief we’re born in chains of circumstance, bound by rope of relief Beer can left on the crest of the world mountain body billow like sail In another alley, dog’s nose is wet snuffling, lifts aside the month’s cutlery set