I’ve come to make an announcement: Shadow the Hedgehog’s a bitch-ass motherfucker, he pissed on my fucking wife! That’s right, he took his hedgehog-fuckin’ quilly dick out and he pissed on my fucking wife, and he said his dick was “this big,” and I said “that’s disgusting,” so I’m making a callout post on my Twitter.com: Shadow the Hedgehog, you’ve got a small dick, It’s the size of this walnut except WAY smaller. And guess what? Here’s what my dong looks like! That’s right, baby, tall points, no quills, no pillows — look at that, it looks like two balls and a bong! He fucked my wife, so guess what, I’m gonna fuck the Earth! That’s right, this is what you get: my SUPER LASER PISS!! Except I’m not gonna piss on the Earth, I’m gonna go higher!! I’m pissing ON THE MOON! How do you like that, Obama?! I PISSED ON THE MOON, YOU IDIOT!! You have twenty-three hours before the piss drrrrroplllllllets hit the fucking Earth! Now get outta my fucking sight, before I piss on you too!
guild members’ relationships with makarov headcanons!
Omg this is gonna get me so emotional! This post is gonna be so long holy shit
Makarov knows that these kids are super traumatized when they come to him. That's why he dresses like a funny little jester man. He doesn't want to scare them when they first join
He always takes the time to get to know and work with each kid that joins the guild. Makarov will take that child under his wing for the first week just to make sure they are comfortable
A lot of the members genuinely refer to him as their grandpa/dad (depending on which generation).
Makarov was still figuring out how to deal with children when Cana first joined. He feels he didn't do a good job at helping her when she first came
Cana, of course, disagrees and thinks the old man did a great job at helping her out when she joined
Cana has a ton of respect for him so when he asks her to cut down on drinking. She does so without question. (cutting down meaning drinking one barrel of liquor instead of two)
The two of them do regularly drink together tho
Gray goes to Makarov for advice the most out of the guild members. He really struggles with making the right decisions and Makarov is always there to listen with only minor judgement
Gray feels super indebted to Makarov. Even tho Makarov tells him all he wants for any of his kids is to live long and happy lives
Erza gave Makarov the most trouble when joining the guild. He had no idea how to get through to her. She was always polite and listened to him, but he couldn't get her to open up for the life of him
He just desperately wanted to make the little girl smile. The first time Erza smiled at him, he bawled his eyes out
Erza always makes sure to shoot him a smile when she enters the guildhall now
Natsu decides that since Makarov found him, he now owes Makarov his life. Makarov nearly has to beat it into Natsu that he does not owe him anything and that he is not to lay his life down for Makarov
Natsu then decides to live by the rule: 'you saved my life so now I'm your problem'
Natsu has so much respect for Makarov it's not even funny. But Natsu's love comes with a price. And that price is constant headaches
Mirajane actually didn't like Makarov all that much at first. She appreciated him bringing her family to the guild but she thought he was too lax with how he ran the place
The two of them really bonded after Lisanna's death
Lisanna adores Makarov. She's one of the few people who can catch him off guard and tackle him in hugs (it happens a lot. you'd think he'd catch on by now)
Elfman views Makarov as the perfect man. He wants to be like him. Makarov insists Elfman should find better role models
Mystogan views Makarov as his father. He cannot imagine anyone else who deserves the title
Mystogan's biggest regret was not being able to tell Makarov how much he appreciated everything he did for him
Bisca and Alzack were so upset that Makarov wasn't there for their wedding that they ended up getting remarried just to have him be a part of it
Every time Makarov compliments Gajeel, Gajeel has to fight back tears. He worked so hard to earn Makarov's trust and respect so now every time the guy is nice to him its almost enough to send Gajeel into a sobbing mess
no tricks on April Fools, i'm going to come right out and make it weird without misdirection. anyway, hold this, doofuses
Heimerdinger/f!Reader
749 Words - NSFW
Oral Sex f!Receiving, Overstimulation
---
“Isn’t this a bit… fast, Professor?”
“My dear, if you’re hesitant, I’ll not force you. That’s not what this is about, what we agreed upon.”
Heimerdinger, always thoughtful in ways that never quite made sense to you until situations had come to pass. Situations like this, where you’re in his lavish quarters and seated at the edge of his bed - the perfect height, he’d told you when he could see up your skirt before. His wording had startled you, until he’d made his desire known.
You hadn’t known how to take it, especially when Yordles aren’t quite equipped to lay with a human, but the look in his eye as they’d flicked to the slip of your underwear between your thighs had been telling. Heimerdinger’s not looking for physical activity - he’s looking for a meal.
That’s how you end up with your skirt rucked up and his fingers tugging at your underwear until they’re to your ankles. His fur is devastatingly soft against your inner thighs as he leans in, pausing only at your question about the speed at which things are moving. He has a point, and you’d be lying if you said you weren’t already wet from the implications that he was only interested in gaining pleasure through your own.
“You do look rather excited though. Wouldn’t you rather I take care of this for you?”
You absolutely would, and instead of objecting to him, you lean back on one hand and bury your fingers in the thick hair on the top of his head. What shampoo does he use, you wonder? Does he condition it? Perhaps blow dries-
Meandering thoughts are helpless in the wake of his tongue diving right in, dragging from hole to clit in one smooth, practiced motion - over three-hundred years old, he must have gathered some experience in that time. It’s not the motion that gets you though, it’s the texture of his tongue that drags a whining sound from you. A bit rough, but not uncomfortably so, and the dexterity of it when he pushes it inside you has your eyes rolling straight to the back of your head.
“Gods, Professor, you feel amazing,” You breathe between the embarrassingly rough sounds of your pleasure. Heimerdinger can’t answer, not with his mouth full of your cunt, but his hands squeeze the bottoms of your thighs in a silent answer. He knows.
When did he get so smug, you wonder? Likely between all the people he’s somehow lain with to get this good at eating women out. His eyes flick up to you, looking through the roughened fur that serves as his eyebrows, and you’re startled with the blown-out pupils, the half-lidded gaze of unfettered lust that’s being directed solely in your direction.
On reflex, when his tongue curls inside you to hit your g-spot and his fingers circle wetly around your clit, you tighten your grip on his fur. Heimerdinger moans against you, doubling down on his efforts and sending the clear message that he’d liked that very much. So you tug on his hair and rock against his face, chasing your pleasure against his tongue and the wetness of his nose that could just as easily be dampened from your arousal instead of its natural state.
“That’s it, my dear, take what you need from me,” Heimerdinger gasps quickly, only pulling away long enough to encourage you before going back in for more, intent on bringing you to that peak he’s been desiring from you. You’re more than happy to oblige, his fingers and tongue working ridiculous miracles that you’ve never felt before.
You don’t last much longer, your release coating Heimerdinger’s facial fur as he backs away to breathe. You flop back on the bed, boneless and sated, but Heimerdinger is not. You get only a few beats of your heart to rest before he pushes his way back between your thighs and it all starts over again.
Heimerdinger doesn’t stop until you’re sobbing, your thighs clamped together to prevent him from going back in for the sixth time. And he has the audacity to tut his tongue and wipe his face with a nearby towel - had he planned this, with how coincidental its placement was? You don’t want to think about it for too long, not when you’re buzzing from too many orgasms.
“Wonderful job, that’s better than even I expected, and I always carry such high hopes for you. Do you need a drink before we go again?”
gummygunk
turnnoffyourmind
theartofmadeline
vaporwave
dailybridgerton
yousharknotpass
annaxmalina
