My virtual diary of a regular women

I write what I’m feeling or thinking

[illbegreatornothing]

I’m constantly screaming in my head, everything feels so wrong. I always feel alone no matter what I do. There’s no point in continuing a life that has no purpose

[illbegreatornothing]

breathing

I feel real. I feel alive, and for once I’m content with my sorrow.

[illbegreatornothing]

can’t even think of anything interesting to say. What is the point anymore genuinely. I have no where to turn to and no one to talk to. I am the loneliest person in the world.

[illbegreatornothing]

I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to keep living like this. I’ve been sad for so long I’m forgetting how to feel anything else.

[illbegreatornothing]

I have 30 minutes until I find out if she’s alive, or even okay. Her life will be in my hands, and there’s nothing I can do. The sense of doom is creeping up slowly. I feel it shake through my bones, tickle me in goosebumps up my arms and spine. My legs feel weak, and my heart already aches. Grief will be the death of me, for now it’s all I think I’m made of.

[illbegreatornothing]

Beachy;D

Loving him was like a windy day at the beach

The sun felt comforting, but as soon as it came it was covered by dark, rolling clouds. Hinting towards the storm on the way.

The wind that was supposed to be a light breeze, and pass as soon as it arrived, came in whipping roaring gusts. Pushing me back, fighting my own steps.

The sand that used to feel so nice between my toes now whips against my legs, stinging, and itching. What was supposed to be so nice only came in whips of pain.

The ocean reminds me of your love, violent, constantly changing, and raging. Your love that could never wrap around me unless it was in violent deathly currents.

[illbegreatornothing]

there’s a emptiness that tugs at me everyday, it’s there no matter what I do. Instead of living everyday. I’m searching for something to dull this ache that I can’t stop. A sharp ache that spreads like a nasty sickness deep in my bones. No amount of scrubbing or painkillers could dull this thick sorrow that’s nestled so deep I feel it in my breath. Every step I take, every beat of my heart is a reminder that I can’t tame what’s within me.

[illbegreatornothing]

I’m constantly between self hatred and self loathing. I hate what looks back at me but I also feel so bad for myself, I am full of pity and tired of living with a agony ridden brain.

[perfectfeelings]

“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.”

— Dalai Lama

[illbegreatornothing]

Reminiscing

If my brain was wired differently I’d be training and working for Volleyball. Would’ve never picked up Art, or writing. If my brain was wired differently I would’ve never went back, and accepted his words, degrading my every move. If my brain was wired differently I would’ve had a sense of life that showed in all my cracks, pouring out for all to see. Sadly, my brain isn’t wired that way. So now I write, even though everything’s already been written. I draw with mediocre talent, even though everything’s already been drawn. Sadly, my brain isn’t wired that way. So now I live with the memories and words that tear me down. Nightmares that come in waves of terror he’s going to reappear, and tell me how I should and shouldn’t be.

[illbegreatornothing]

Reproduction repercussions

I listen to the white coats talk about my uterus, my cysts, my future. Not to me, to someone who gave me life. I took a deep breath and smelt dinner, and a little girls sweet smell. I opened by ears and heard a little girls giggle, and shrieks. Finally I closed my eyes and saw my future. A good husband, two little girls and one boy. As soon as a tear fell, so did the idea of a family.

[illbegreatornothing]

I have all these things I want to do, and all these people I want to be. But I have no clue how to do it, and no clue how to be.

[illbegreatornothing]

my reflection

Looking in the mirror and seeing something different every time. First I see my stomach, how wide I am. Second I see my parents, and what they created. Third every scar I’ve ever gotten, wounds, gashes, and the red that weeps from them. Fourth Gods creation that I tried so hard to destroy Fifth my tears, which fill my tired, worn out eyes At last I see the little girl, who wanted to understand why she was so big, and different.

[illbegreatornothing]

but I can barley get out of bed- how am I meant to take on the world?

[illbegreatornothing]

art

First time drawing in a couple years, working on something else currently. Give me tips on anything please!!!

[illbegreatornothing]

Tattoo

I designed my first tattoo for my mom. Ik I took a lot of deigns from Pinterest but I put it all together myself. Give me tips please!!!

[spookytuesdaypod]

me and who and when!!!