#impending death

[powerupcomicstonight]

[geezerwench]

Death is closer and closer.

[descentintoinsanityimeanbfdi]

OK NEVERMIND IM GONNA WATCH ALL OF BFDI FROM THE START SO I KNOW WHATS GOING ON

This blog has been created so the BFDI community can see me spiral into insanity as I figure out what on earth is going on

ANYWAY, I’m insane so I wanna document it because sometimes that’s entertaining and I’ll come back to this someday

take these scribbles of these guys I saw on shorts and drew from memory

(ignore the cookies and one, I keep seeing her I had to draw them)

[remembertheplunge]

The view from death's doorstep

January 30, 1987

January 30 ends. Daryl still here. I’m returning home late. It’s 11;35pm now. It’s like returning late from play rehearsal. Will his pain and agony never end?

February 1, 1987. Sunday

Daryl sets poised on Death’s door step. The nurse said “A lady came and set with him for a long time today. She insisted on covering him with all of these blankets because he was chilled. Actually, his fever was rampantly high and he did not need covers. Later the nurse said “I don’t think the lady knew how near death was as she sat there.”

I knew. I read stories and poetry to him. I said I loved him and it was OK to go. I think that he knew that I was there. His body convulsed continually, his eyes fluttered and his mouth moved continually in an effort to speak inwardly. I said “God Bless you Daryl". I looked for signs of his passing.

A lovely day with  a female friend at Tosha’s in Folsom. I told her of my bisexuality and of my love for a mutual male friend of ours. . She accepted this with love. I watched a beautiful sunset..actually defuse grey light. A boat and two men chugged slowly out of the channel. Their wake proceeded, followed and remained long after they had disappeared. Half the lake was touched. I thought of Daryl and I as we moved toward greying twilight.

Note: Daryl Speicher was my AIDs match in 1986-1987. I worked as a volunteer for an AID's support group.

My female friend was a friend from college in the 1970's. I did not start coming out until 1984. The man I said I was in love with was a mutual friend.

[whump-protocol]

Helpless

The premise is that an enemy captures Keith, injects him with a slow-acting poison, and tells him he’ll get the antidote if he lures the paladins into a trap. Instead, Keith goes back and warns them, at the potential cost of his own life.

And has a heartbreaking conversation with his husband.

This is not a fluffy snippet. Please don’t read this unless you want dark and somewhat despairing. It’s also incomplete because I hurt myself writing it.

It's now complete (as best as I can manage) and it broke my heart.

Keith doesn’t even know the name of the Galra resistance leader who poisoned him. All he remembers is a grating voice telling him about a slow-acting poison running through his veins.

“Don’t worry, I have the antidote, but you’ll have to earn it.” The asshole laughs. “I’m going to let you escape, and I want you to lead your team back here. Once I’ve finished with them, you’ll get the antidote. You have three cycles. Deal?”

The Blade doesn’t even hesitate. “Deal.”

He ends up in a broken single-person flier at the nearest coalition base with coordinates he’s supposed to share with the rest of the paladins. Instead, they get on a video call, and he’s up-front about the whole ordeal. He knows he can’t avoid discussing the consequences, but in his mind, protecting the team comes first.

“It’s an ambush, nothing else. The leaders aren’t even there.” He can see Kolivan in the background, muttering to himself.

“And they let you escape?” Lance asks because of course he does.

“They said they gave me something.” Keith doesn’t elaborate. “It doesn’t matter. What does is that my ship came from their actual base. Its flight plans and navigation are scrambled to hell and back, but maybe Pidge can do something with them.”

“Already on my way,” says the bright-eyed engineer, “and I can tinker with it remotely while en route.”

“Gave you something?” Shiro asks slowly.

At this moment, the admiral is aboard the Atlas and parked somewhere around Earth. He’s ferrying Allura and Lance back to New Altea, and it’s almost time for their scheduled departure. Keith doesn’t exactly relish the upcoming conversation, but he doesn’t dwell on it either.

“He claimed it was deadly but slow. All I know.” The Blade nods to the door. “Medics took a blood sample in case they can figure out what it is.”

“And if they don’t?”

Keith shrugs. “Something, something honor. They will. Or I might get lucky. Or not. Regardless, none of you are stepping into a fucking trap setup by literal madmen on my behalf.”

Kolivan pings him privately about a debriefing. If his lifespan will be counted in hours, possibly complete with mental decline, they need to get as much information out of his head as physically possible in the meantime. He’s not relishing this part, either.

He shakes his head. “I need to talk to Kolivan. I know this is hard.” Keith takes the tone of a leader, the one he fucking hates. “I will speak with all of you later, I’m sure.”

He’s not looking forward to the friendly interrogation he’s about to walk into, but there’s just no time. It’s all necessary for the Blades to figure out the next steps. Kolivan’s on the other line, ready to grill him for as long as he breathes, presumably, so they can take down another separationist cell.

But all Keith wants is Shiro’s comforting warmth in his arms, and he can’t have that across the space of the universe.

Later, after the debriefing is done, Keith calls Shiro directly and asks for a private connection. He doesn’t know what to say, but silence doesn’t appear to be an option. Not when he has a dozen unread messages, and more missed calls than he dares to think about it.

He’s also married to this man, and he can’t avoid his husband for long.

“Keith!” It’s a bellow, and maybe he deserves that. “What the actual fuck?”

“Sorry.”

“I love you, Atlas and I are on our way, so you… better be there when we land.” Shiro’s expression is caught somewhere between righteous anger and endless fear. “Stars above, what happened?”

Keith doesn’t think Shiro wants another mission debrief. “I don’t know. I was careful, followed the protocol to the letter, it was supposed to be a diplomatic engagement. Blades don’t fuck up like this.”

“Shit, baby, I know. I know you. You’re not careless, and you don’t miss red flags.”

“Yeah, so…”

“Do you think they were telling the truth?”

Keith nods hesitantly and chews on his lip. “They injected me with something. I heard them whispering something about how they’ve seen this shit fuck up Galra twice the size. So, probably.”

“Fuck.” Shiro paces his living quarters like a lion trapped in a cage.

“Shiro…” Keith’s voice comes out soft and the words catch on his tongue. “I love you. I always have and always will. If I don’t get to say it again.”

“Don’t! Please, Keith.”

Keith can’t promise not to die, not when he didn’t set the timetable. The Blade feels tears burning in the corners of his eyes. He’s hollow inside like reality hasn’t quite settled in. He knows he’s dying, and understands rationally that his body is sick, but emotionally he’s still catching up.

“I miss you.”

“We’ll be there in just under three cycles.”

Neither of them mentions that it will be too late, that the cold equations of space travel and living bodies don’t lie.

“I’ll see you when you get here,” Keith offers, thinking that perhaps pretending for another five minutes that everything is fine is good enough.

Shiro looks downright horrified. “No. Keith, not, that’s not what I meant. I would rather talk to you for as long as have than sit here. I just…” He sobs. “I’ve known a lot of helplessness in life, and none of it felt like this.”

“I wish you were here.”

“What about the space wolf?”

“He’s with mom on a rescue mission, and they’re still trying to get ahold of them. On account of… you know.”

“Are you OK? Do you feel sick?” Shiro asks.

“Not yet, at least not any worse than when I got here.” That was already a flavor of awful, bruised, battered, and dehydrated.

“You should lie down. Rest. Shower. Take care of yourself.”

Keith is definitely looking forward to all of those. They’ve assigned him a room with a private restroom, small mercy that, and he plans on not letting it go to waste. “You, too.”

“Just don’t hang up, OK?”

Keith looks down at what remains of his tattered uniform and starts stripping out of it. Shiro has seen him naked plenty before, and the new bruises are what they are.

“Yeah, OK. Of course. I’m here. How was the peace accord renewal whatever it was?”

Shiro laughs through his tears, and it’s dark and agonizing. “More bullshit in one day than I usually see in months. I’m surprised Lance didn’t punch anyone given how the ambassadors behaved around his wife.”

Keith shakes his head in sympathy. “Thank goodness it’s over then.”

“For all involved,” his husband agrees. “Are you… going to say goodbye to the others?”

“I feel like I kind of should, you know?”

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Keith.”

“I know.” He takes his PADD to the bathroom with him and starts the shower running. “But… closure will help them more than it’s going to help me, and I want that for them.”

“Don’t you dare say goodbye to me!”

Keith smiles and closes his eyes. “It’s going to be all right, Shiro. No matter what happens, you’re going to be all right. I know it.”

“Not without you,” Shiro mutters as his husband steps into the shower and shudders with pain.

Keith sleeps fitfully for a few hours and wakes in pain. It’s a new, dull ache that covers his whole body in a way no bruise ever has — the poison, if he has to guess. His mind feels like he’s swimming through a fog, and it takes a few minutes to get his bearings.

Still at the Coalition base, still safe, still… alive.

Shiro’s already calling him like he knows Keith is awake. “How’re you feeling?” are the first words out of his mouth.

Keith hunts his nightstand for a bottle of water. “Not great.”

“You look like you didn’t get any sleep.”

“I think I dozed. Bad dreams.” Keith drinks water and sighs. He feels fatigued despite the nap, his limbs heavy. “How’d you know I was awake?”

“I might’ve called in a favor to get access to your vitals.”

“Nice use of expensive technology.”

“Shut up. You should go to medical if you’re not feeling well.”

“And do what? Everything hurts. Them handing me pain meds won’t solve the problem, and my head already feels like cotton candy.” He shrugs and lies back down. “Talking to you is nicer.”

"Keith, let them help."

"If they can find an antidote, I'm sure I'll be the first to know. Have you slept?"

Keith's husband doesn't lie. "No. Just sitting here, thinking about you. About our wedding. Remember Kosmo nearly eating the damn wedding rings?"

"Far too well. 'Bad wolf,' never sounded more appropriate."

"And then the honeymoon. I didn't think the Garrison would let us leave for long enough to actually enjoy it."

The Blade chuckles. "I still don't know what Pidge told them to get them off our backs. I'm glad she did. I think those were the best two weeks of my life."

Tears stream down Shiro's face and Keith wishes nothing more than he could hold the man he loves, could wipe those tears away. They'd gone camping together, drove across a country, marveled at the night sky in each other's arms. Keith only wishes for more time, more chances to make happy memories. He looks down at the wedding ring, dangling on a chain around his neck alongside his dog tags. 

He hopes both make it to Shiro if he doesn't.

"I love you," he says into the silence. "You were like a brother to me, when I was a kid and desperately needed someone in my corner. And then you were an unwavering friend, a leader. I don't think we would have survived the war without you. But most of all, I treasure your love. I don't know where I'd be without it, without you."

"Keith... I... More than anything in the world, in the universe. I love you, too."

"I'm tired," Keith admits, eyes fluttering closed.

"Rest easy," Shiro prompts him just as another call comes in and a familiar face appears on the screen.

Later, while Keith is once again dozing, Shiro is plotting a painful demise for the ones responsible. He will find them and end them in ways that the galaxy is unlikely to ever forget.

And if he has his way, Shiro will do it with his husband by his side.

[write-it-motherfuckers]

Letting out an exasperated sigh, you stared down at the sulking fae before you, lips twitching slightly as they gave you a pathetic pout. Without offering them a second glance, you stepped over them easily, and continued on your way, ignoring their dramatic offended gasp as you failed to give a reaction to their theatrics.

Though there was no sound that announced their movements, they were quick to join you at your side again a few seconds later, their usual long stride having been carefully shortened so that they could keep pace with you. 

Even without looking, you could tell that they were still pouting, and as soon as you saw them open their mouth from the corner of your eye, you interrupted them.

“The answer is still no, just as it has been everyday before this.”

Despite the fact that most people would be rightfully terrified to speak to a fae in such a disrespectful manner, or to brush one off so bluntly, you knew with utmost certainty that no harm would befall you for such a thing, not at the hands of this particular fae at least. After years of knowing them and interacting with them, you had learnt which things you could get away with doing, just as you had learnt that they seemed to grow more and more lenient with you, as time went by.

At this point, it had become more of an inside joke for them to ask for your name at least once a day, their attempts having slowly become something playful as the years went by, rather than a genuine demand. Despite that playfulness however, you knew damn well that they still wanted it all the same, and lately, you couldn’t help but become more and more curious as to why, the question having sat heavy on the tip of your tongue for a good few months now.

In all honesty, the thought of actually giving in and doing as they asked, had popped into your head multiple times recently, especially with everything that had been going on back in town. But in the end, you always chose to remain silent.

Though neither of you had ever put a label on your relationship, nor chosen to acknowledge how strange it was, you knew that they were incredibly dear to you, something you were sure they were aware of, even if you’d never openly stated it. In truth, there had always been some kind of barrier that remained between you both, despite how close you had become, and every moment the two of you spent together, you grew to hate it even more.

Knowing what you did about tomorrow however, you decided that today was the day you would finally push against it.

Just as the edge of the forest came into view, you turned quickly without warning, wrapping your arms around them before you could change your mind. Instantly you felt them stiffen in your grasp, and if you hadn’t been so emotional, you likely would have grinned triumphantly at having startled them. 

It was only when you felt them move to hug you back, finally having processed what was happening, that you pulled back, your heart screaming at you, not to let go. Quickly, you offered them a bright and cheeky smile, pretending you didn’t see the confused frown on their face, nor the growing look of concern as they saw through your poor attempt to look like nothing was wrong, realising you were hiding something.

Not wanting to linger any longer, you gave them a teasing wink, chirping out a playful goodbye before you hurried away, hoping desperately that they wouldn’t pick up on how final your words had sounded. Although things had been building up to this for quite some time, it still felt far too sudden, the knowledge of what was to come, absolutely terrifying you.

Despite that, you had still done your best to hide it, as the only thing that terrified you more than the things the people of your town had planned for you, was the prospect of them being dragged into it, too. Even though you knew they were incredibly powerful, the risk of them being harmed whilst trying to help you, was simply too much to bear, leaving you with no other choice but to accept your fate and do your best to hide what was coming.

Your only hope was that they would eventually forgive you for your deception and abrupt, unexplained, disappearance, the thought of simply leaving them without a word, absolutely breaking your heart, even if you knew there was no other way.

....Because by tomorrow, there would be nothing left to save.

[demonic-intervention]

Whumptober 2021 - Day 25

No. 25 - HIDE & SEEK

escape | flight | hiding

Word of Honor EP35, missing scene, Wenzhou, 1.1K, see tags for more info - AO3 link

Masterpost

---------------------------

The scorpion hadn't lied. His drug men were all over the valley. Althought not directly blocking Zhou Zishu and Wen Kexing's path, there was no way to go past them unseen at the moment. Without any better option, Zhou Zishu was forced to find them a hiding spot. After treading through thick vegetation for a while, he finally found a good spot. Once squeezed past the narrow rift in the mountain, a space opened up behind it. It was cold, but at least dry. And through an opening above them, enough light fell in to make out the contours of their surroundings. The entrance itself was mostly covered by branches and bushes. Out of sight from the drug men, they should be safe for a little while.

With aching knees, Zhou Zishu leaned against the wall and slowly lowered himself to the ground, Wen Kexing still tightly held in his arms. Sitting comfortably, he rearranged Wen Kexing to sit in between his loosely crossed legs. Wen Kexing's legs were draped over one thigh while his body was resting against the other. Zhou Zishu pulled Wen Kexing closer to his chest, one arm protectively wrapped around his back. With his other hand, Zhou Zishu brushed the dirt and hairs out of Lao Wen's face.

Initially still talking, Wen Kexing was all but silent right now. Illuminated by the soft glow coming through the crack, his features were smoothed out yet devoid of color. His lips were as pale as his cheeks. Zhou Zishu's lips trembled at the sight of his soulmate, lying in his arms behaving so unlike him. Still, unresponsive, the very opposite of his usual playful nature. Zhou Zishu's eyes watered but he blinked the tears away. Tears were not going to help them.

What Wen Kexing needed was a healer, specifically, Wu Xi. Yet, Zhou Zishu hadn't seen a way to slip past the drug men without exposing themselves. Adrenaline mixed with worry. If there was one thing Wen Kexing did not have, it was time to wait the situation out in a cave. Zhou Zishu's medical knowledge was limited, even more so with wounds as severe as Wen Kexing's. Sitting in an empty hole with nothing but their clothes on their bodies, Zhou Zishu was practically powerless. Closing the acupuncture points would neither hold for very long nor help Wen Kexing very much.

For the first time in a very long while, Zhou Zishu could admit to himself that he was scared. He was scared out of his mind, frightened to his bones at the prospect of losing Wen Kexing right then and there. Anxiously, he pulled him even closer to his chest until their breaths mingled. Zhou Zishu's quick and nervous breath and Wen Kexing's shallows little puffs of air were fogging up the space in between them. The cave was cold, exceptionally cold for this time of year, but not quite unsurprising considering how thick these walls were. Wriggling around Wen Kexing, careful to always have at least one hand on his back to support him, Zhou Zishu pulled his outer robe off and covered Wen Kexing with it as best as he could.

The man didn't shiver. He did not even have goosebumps on his forearms. Seeking any bit of reassurance, Zhou Zishu placed his hand on Wen Kexing's chest, just above the heart. If he could at least feel that Wen Kexing was still moving inside, that something inside him was still alive, then he might not lose his mind. The beat of Wen Kexing's heart was no longer as strong as Zhou Zishu remembered it, but it was there, steady and dizzingly fast. Zhou Zishu counted the beats, using the rhythm to calm himself while subconsciously adopting a pattern that complimented Wen Kexing's. For every shallow breath Wen Kexing made, Zhou Zishu took two. For every thud in Zhou Zishu's chest, Wen Kexing's heart made four.

Zhou Zishu burrowed his face into the crook of Wen Kexing's neck. Unsteady, he took in the smell of Wen Kexing. Barely audible, he spoke close to his ear, "Lao Wen. I need you. Please don't leave me." Unable to hold back anymore, he wrapped himself around Wen Kexing, fitting into him like a puzzle piece, and cried into the robes already soaked in blood. "Lao Wen. You hear me, you idiot. You can't leave. I don't allow it." Sobs shook his body, yet he continued to cling to Wen Kexing like his life depended on it. Maybe it did. Zhou Zishu felt like he might disintegrate into dust should Wen Kexing die in his arms.

Underneath Zhou Zishu's hands, Wen Kexing was cold. The cold was even seeping through his robes. It reminded Zhou Zishu of the sting a piece of ice would leave on bare skin. No matter how much it would burn him, Zhou Zishu would never let go. Placing both his hands flatt on Wen Kexing's back, Zhou Zishu channeled his qi. It wouldn't help much with the wounds but he could keep him warm. At least he could make him feel less dead. The flowing qi caused a ringing sound engulfing the two men.

Heart heavy with guilt, Zhou Zishu let out a stuttering breath. "Lao Wen. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. You seemed so happy. I couldn't possibly destroy that," Zhou Zishu mumbled with his chin on Wen Kexing's shoulder. "Don't be mad at me, please. And don't blame yourself. I already got more that I could have ever hoped for. You are my light, Lao Wen. My zhiji. And I'm sorry we can't have more time." As he spoke these words, Zhou Zishu was calm. Resolution had taken the place of his fear. "I wish for you to wake up before I leave, so that I can see you smiling one last time. But I also wish for you to sleep through it all, so that we are both spared the pain of farewells." Zhou Zishu withdrew slightly and sighed. Placing a kiss on Wen Kexing's temple, he whispered into the skin, "Lao Wen, I love you. Don't ever forget that."

Zhou Zishu rested back against the wall. Laying Wen Kexing down on his chest, head placed over his heart, he closed his eyes and allowed himself to rest for a while. Shutting his eyes to the world, Zhou Zishu didn't notice when Wen Kexing's hand twitched before it lay motionless in his lap again.

[incipienthappiness-quotes]

“I have heard that men who live by a waterfall cease to hear it—in such a way did I learn to live beside the rushing torrent of his doom.”

― Madeline Miller, The Song of Achilles