Sometimes I really worry about my own future. Not that I think I’m a bad person or anything, but social pressures often make me feel as if I’m not up to par of being a “good person”. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough with my life. And sometimes I know for a fact I’m not doing enough.
For example my career choices and school. I’ve had the same dreams of being an entertainer since I was like ten. It’s the whole reason I started a youtube channel back in high school. And while that was fun and it did turn out a lot better than I originally expected, it was never really how I wanted to entertain people. I always wanted to be a stand up or work in production or be a voice actor (even though now I know I’m complete horse shit at voice acting). I feel like I’d be good at those things if I really tried, I feel like there’s a spot for me there. Sometimes I get discouraged because I feel like most of my friends don’t believe I’m ‘funny enough’ to be a comedian. And I agree. I honestly don’t think I’m that funny, but I do think I’m creative enough to give it a shot. And sometimes I write jokes and stories that make me smile, so why not share that with people and hope they smile? I could go on forever about why I think this is where my full potential as a person rests, but I’ll just leave it at that.
At the same time I feel that I have to put my dreams on hold because of school and my family’s financial situation. I’m not to blind it, I know chasing a dream career is risky, it can honestly be so hit or miss. And while I feel confident that I’ll hit, I have to remember that most people who also feel that way actually flop and eventually their dreams slip from them. If that ever happened I’d be put in another dilemma… “The fuck do I do now?”
School has always been something I felt like I’ve done on the side. I mean I spend a lot of time with school (honest I do), but my dreams are always what’s occupying my mind if that makes sense. It’s like the bigger picture for me is to do what I love and have school on the side as an experience and also for the education. I came into college as an undecided major. Tried film and surprisingly didn’t like it that much, tried bio for a quick minute and definitely hated that, and somehow ended up in sociology and really appreciated it. It has not only changed my view culturally and systematically but it has also given me an understanding of why society is at the point it is today. Educationally speaking, I have benefited a lot from it. But when I was approaching the 2016 year and my 3rd year here at college I knew I wanted more. So I decided to double major in computer science (which I currently am doing). And while this is something I’ve only been in for a few quarters now I can say that it has been extremely challenging although I also like it very much. Still here I am to say that I do not see myself using any of these things for my future career. My goal still stays the same. Or at least I feel that way at heart.
When I look at the people around me especially the ones closest to me, I know that money is an issue. It always has been. While I turned out to be a person who is very comfortable with my life as is, I know I could help improve the lives of those around me. Small apartments, and moving two times a year has become a norm for me. However I’ve grown comfortable with this, as well as happy. I see myself living in an apartment in the future and not really desiring much more. And I know my family is comfortable with this lifestyle too, but there are times where the financial struggles just get so stressful for everyone. And I can feel it. I don’t talk about it, but I’m not ignoring it either. I know exactly why my dad would rather have me go to law school. I know why my mom never really saw my dreams as something with awe. Not because they don’t approve of my decisions, I’m sure they’d love to see me happy with my career. But because our financial status can’t take that risk. And I understand that. I want to give my little brother a better lifestyle. I want to be able to raise my own family through happiness. I want to be able to help out all of my brothers, cousins, friends whenever they need it.
Anyway, I’m starting to lose track with this post now that I’ve been writing it for a while. (There’s also a lot of different things thrown in this post and it isn’t as organized as I hope but whatever). The last thing I wanted to mention was the importance of sacrifice. Whether for family, or career, or your personal desires or a mixture of a lot of things. Cause I know when it comes down to it, it’ll be all about what I am able to sacrifice.
Finally I’m writing this because I realize so many of us are going to college or are chasing our dreams in hopes of creating a better future for ourselves and for those around us, yet many of us have no clue what we are even looking to accomplish. So just in case anyone else relates to this post or needed to read something similar to their situation. Well then…cheers and let’s hope things turn out.
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