âItâs fine I donât need you anyways, I have an entire jar of Nutella.. and a spoon.â
âNow that weâre done fighting for our lives, itâs kind of like a bad sit-com.â
âI wasnât prepared for that to hurt me in that way.â
âIâm not ashamed. At all. You have a good butt, ___.â
âIâve been perpetually screaming on Twitter, but thatâs nothing new.â
âIâll admit, I get excited about water features.â
âI wouldnât want you to adopt me if you werenât fun.â
âMy standard of people often is just, âWould ___ do this? Then they may be unstable.ââ
âSounds like something ___ would do.â
âHow am I ever going to romance a newsie or a hockey player under these restrictions?â
âI require constant validation otherwise I talk to boys on Tinder.â
â___ SAID POLYAM RIGHTS!â
âWhy would you go on any dates when I am already prepared to marry you?â
âI may be small and hate confrontation but Iâm gonna throw down with the universe.â
âI am not alive, simply not dead.â
âI GOT A NEW FISH!!!â
âTHATâS NOT FUNNY WHY AM I LAUGHING??â
âItâs 11am and Iâm having an identity crisis, coffee is fun.â
âGuess why I wanna jump out a window this morning.â
âWhat if - hear me out - when we move, instead of getting a dog⊠we get an octopus.â
â___ owns my heart but ADHD owns my brain.â
âThatâs going on my dating profile.â
âI need to learn how to cartwheel.â
âYou can absolutely crush me at Mario Kart any day, sir.â
âMy brain shouldnât have rights.â
âTHERE ARE TWO PAIRS. A PAIR OF PAIRS. THAT IS TOO MANY.â
âGuy on Tinder complimented my dog instead of me and I ainât even mad.â
âThat belongs on Twitter. Fuck. Iâve done it again.â
âI interrupted kink speak for this.â
âMy mom roasted me again.â
âWhenever ___ sings I want to eat his fucking voice and absorb it into my body, trap it in a necklace like a sea witch. I just⊠MmmâŠâ
â___ is majoring in DISASTER MANAGEMENT in FLORIDA and Iâm speechless.â
âYou ever listen to Hozier just to feel an emotion?â
âAPPARENTLY the way I text is INTIMIDATING to SOME PEOPLE.â
âAnyway not to expose myself but I really thought you were gonna call me a power bottom.â
âHaving your toes licked is very weird and I do not enjoy it.â
âThis is awful⊠Do you wanna do it?â
â____ is going to superhell.â
âI am so emotional about this bastard man.â
âI am going to push you down a flight of stairs.â
âThat is my emotional support gang leader.â
âI WANT TO LEAVE THE ROOM BUT THE ROOM IS MY BRAIN. WHY DO I GOTTA BE STUCK WITH MYSELF FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?â
âThe universe may be speaking to me.â
âPlease date me. I have no redeeming qualities but please?â
âI swear the only reason I believe in God at this point is because there are too many weird fucking coincidences in my life I know that bitch has gotta be fucking with me.â
âJust tried to turn my laptop brightness down with the volume keys again, things are going well.â