Lose your mind

There's nothing to writing. You just bleed.

[illuminatewords]

I am just so sad. All of the time. It just hurts so much and it doesn’t stop.

[illuminatewords]

I struggled my whole life with vulnerability. I was too scared of feelings, more precisely too afraid to be hurt. You made me feel safe and so I opened up to you. I told you that I loved you for the first time and you cried. I showed you the poems I wrote about you. It was both beautiful and heartbreaking. I let you in. I wanted you for life. But you broke my heart and reinforced the idea in my mind that love hurts and that maybe I’m just not worthy enough for you. The night we met, I should have stayed home.

Oh how different my life would be without your love and I never thought I would come to regret it, but I do.

I regret giving someone so cowardly my heart

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Happy birthday to me. My life may not be what I imagined it to be but I’m blessed to have my mom, dad, and little brother. It’s all about being grateful for what you do have, right? May this year be better to me than the year before. May I continue healing my heart and mind. May I win and have power over all the dark. May I shine again. May my life be illuminated in ways better than I imagined.

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I am just so unhappy. Living life everyday stuck on this couch, alone in bed, missing my old life that I can never go back to. Will I ever stop grieving what I walked away from? Will this regret kill me? I thought in the moment it was the right decision but I don’t know anymore. What if I made such a bad decision that altered my life? What if this is just a long and painful bump in the road that will ultimately lead me to somewhere better? I don’t know but right now, I wish I woke up in my dream life. I don’t want to keep feeling like this.

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Being a people pleaser is slowly killing me. I don’t know what makes me happy. I’ve based my life on doing what I think the others around me would want me to do. On what would make my parents happy. Or whoever I thought loved me in the moment. I don’t know who I am. Why can’t I be strong enough to throw caution to the wind and be myself? Living in my mind like this everyday hurts

[illuminatewords]

Life is so unbelievably painful. All the small moments of happiness that you feel is not worth the amount of pain and sadness. If I could choose, I would choose to never exist. So I never have to know this pain. It hurts every single day. Why would I chose this? I am only living for my family and not myself.

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I thought I knew heartbreak and pain. Until I saw my mom suffering with undiagnosed heath conditions. Went to the hospital and ER twice this week and they still can’t find anything wrong. And I’m sitting here watching her in pain and it breaks me like no other pain I’ve known…

No one prepares you for how much it hurts to see your parents like this.

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I can’t snap my fingers and be okay.

Why do they keep pushing me?

As if I am waking up everyday and choosing depression.

To stare at me with your perfect little life and shame me for being in the dark,

As if I don’t miss the light so much that it’s a never ending cycle of feeling so empty.

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Sometimes I hurt myself, sometimes I torture myself… to keep these memories at bay. Sometimes I can’t help but remember how great it was once upon a time. It’s all gone now. For the final time. How love gave me life and nearly took my breath away.

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Please keep my loved ones safe, happy, and healthy. It’s my heart truest desire. I may hurt. I may be in pain but please let the ones I love be free from any suffering.

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“I have a feeling you got everything you wanted. And you’re not wasting time stuck here like me. You’re just thinking it’s a small thing that happened, the world ended when it happened to me” perfectly encapsulates how I feel. I miss how things used to be so much. If I could go back in time and maybe make one different decision, maybe I wouldn’t be here living like this. It’s crazy that it all fell apart and it’s been so long and I just want to wake up from this. I miss the life I had. I miss the person I was. I used to be so happy and believed in the world, in love, in everything. What happened to me? The world did. Life did. And I have so much resentment, anger, regret and pain from it all.

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Some days are better and I feel the warmth in the small things,

Other days are so cold and I’m trying not to slip back into the dark,

I find myself missing the past so much, it’s killing me

I think about when things were so good 2 years ago,

Why did it all have to crash and I’m here all alone?

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I know my parents didn’t mean to mess me up this much. I know that me being the first born means they didn’t know what they were doing. And I forgive them but I still grieve that there could’ve been another version of me. And I look at my little brother and he is so different, so free, so happy. I envy that and I hate myself for feeling that way about him. Because they were able to learn from their mistakes with me to raise him differently. But it hurts to know that they view him as the good child and I’m the fucked up one. That’s why I left home at 18 because I needed to go away and have some space to live my life and experience it as well. And now that I’m back, it’s triggering me because I still feel the same way I felt throughout my childhood. My parents were great parents, they were there in all ways but emotionally. And that really messed me up. They never told me that they loved me while I was growing up and some fights got verbally so ugly… And how I moved through the world all the years after really showed how much it still pains me and how I’m still that 15 year old girl crying in her bedroom no matter how much older I get. My heart has been broken my whole life.

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I don’t want to live inside of my mind anymore. I’m so haunted by the choices I’ve made, that seemed like the right decision, but in hindsight maybe they’re not. I’ve always believed in everything happens for a reason and that it will all work itself out but what if my fate is to live a life where I’m not happy, lonely, and just in pain? What did I do to deserve this anguish? Is it karma? Did I do something wrong? All I wanted in life was to be happy… but I’m drowning and can’t breathe.

[illuminatewords]

So frustrated with life, so angry at all this pain. I just want it to stop hurting. I don’t want to be broken anymore. I hate that I’m so messed up that I wake up everyday wishing I didn’t.

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Am I that easy to forget?

You looked in my eyes,

As a rain fell out of yours,

But mine were storming,

You let me go,

Like I never mattered,

You shattered my soul,

And everything I believed to be love,

Just vanished like it was never there.

[illuminatewords]

Just wanted to say that I’m sorry you’re going through it at the moment. Thinking of you and sending love your way.

Thank you so much. This message means a lot to me. More than you know. Sending love back to you as well.